Humour | Zikoko!

If there’s one thing Twitter NG is good for, it’s coming up with the most random slangs every day and expecting everyone to catch up.

After a Twitter user posted this about Faze:

And another responded in defence of Faze’s state of origin:

I decided to create a Zikoko dictionary of 25 abbreviations, slangs and phrases you need to master if you hope to avoid embarrassment on Twitter NG. Get your pen and papers out, and may the odds ever be in your favour.

IMO

“In My Opinion” — Used when no one actually asked for your opinion.

IMHO

“In My Humble Opinion” — Used when you want to offer thoughts no one asked for, but with a sprinkle of respect.

IPNTS

“I Prefer Not To Speak” — Used when you know your opinion will land you in hot trouble. Or when you actually want people to beg you for said opinion.

Drag

This verb refers to when the internet is attacking someone for their questionable opinions or choices.

Let him cook

Used when you’re in full support of the TL dragging someone.

Ratio

Used when the negative/mocking responses to a tweet get more engagement than the tweet that started the discussion in the first place. Example: “They just ratioed your friend on the TL after he said he mixed plantain with ice cream.”

YKTV

“You Know The Vibes” — Used when you and someone are on the same page.

IFYP

“I Feel Your Pain” — For when you understand what someone is going through.

IKDR

“I Know Das Right” — Used when you support someone’s opinion or choices.

Sus

Simply means you find someone or something suspicious. Example: Don’t you think it’s a bit sus that INEC said more people came out to vote during the gubernatorial elections than the presidential polls?

RECOMMENDED: Your Twitter TL Isn’t Complete if You Don’t Have These People on It

BFR

“Be Fucking Real” or “Be For Real” — Used when reacting to something that sounds unbelievable and you need the source to stop messing around.

LMK

“Let Me Know“ — For when you need someone to let you know. Duh.

FFS

“For Fuck Sake“ — Used when you’re shocked or disappointed.

FGS

“For God Sake“ — Used when you want to say FFS in a way that pleases God.

TL;DR

“Too Long; Didn’t Read“ — Used when you really don’t give two shits about reading the long epistle someone typed.

Breakfast

“Heartbreak“ — Used when someone as hot as Stefflon Don breaks your heart. Please, do not confuse this with real breakfast like yam and egg, or moi-moi and pap.

Scrimm

Used when you’re screaming on the inside but maintaining a straight face on the outside.

GOAT

“Greatest of All Time“ — Used when someone has achieved a major feat or is the best at what they do. Not to be confused with the source of asun.

YKB/YDKB

“You Know Ball“/“You Don’t Know Ball“ — This is YKTV but for people who watch football.

JSYK

“Just So You Know“ — Used when you expect someone to know something, but you’ve decided to share it with them because they’re not up to date.

Bet

“I get you” or “I got you” — Used when you understand what someone is saying, and you know the next course of action. Example: Chiby asked if I’d be interested in working on a physical 30BG hangout for Davido’s Timeless, and I was like, “Alright, bet,”

Aza

“Account” — Used when you want to either send money to someone or beg someone to send to you.

That’s a choice or Choices

Used when someone has made a bad choice, and it’s obvious to everyone else but them. Example: So this is the outfit you decided to wear to your first premiere? Hmmm. Choices.

LFG

“Let’s Fucking Go“ — Used when you’re excited about something, and you’re trying to get everyone around you on the same level of excitement.

ISWIS

Sis, there’s a whole podcast that uses this slang. How can you not know what it means?

Anyways, it’s “I Said What I Said“ — Used when you mean what you say with your full chest.

ALSO READ: Zikoko’s 7 Rules For Engaging With Your Twitter Crush

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

March 28, 2023

Pop

Humour, slangs, tweets, Twitter
According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, we have an average of 15 public holidays in a year. However, we’re not satisfied with that number that’s clearly too small. Here are some suggestions we have for notable days that can become public holidays.

The day Jollof rice was invented

Jollof rice is a very integral part of our culture and tradition as Nigerians. It’s important we dedicate a day to simply enjoying and appreciating the greatness that is Nigerian Jollof.

Days that start with “T”

T sounds like tea. Tea means gossip. Every day that starts with T should be declared the National Day for Information Spread. People might call it amebo, but that’s their business. We need to stay informed as a people.

RELATED: Ethical Gossip Is Possible: Here’s How to Gossip in Good Conscience

Nigeria’s birthday

Independence days shouldn’t be the only thing celebrated. The day Nigeria was created should also be a public holiday. For so long Nigeria hasn’t had a birthday party. We think that should change.

The day India played Nigeria 99-1

Everyone has heard the legend of how India scored 99 goals against Nigeria in the World Cup, and the Nigerian team did all they could to score the all-important one goal. The story embodies Nigerians tenacity and positive mentality in the face of adversity, and we think it should be further immortalised by public holiday.

RELATED: QUIZ: Do You Remember Nigerian Myths From Your Childhood?

Everyday

As a Nigerian, you’ve suffered enough. Everyday should be a public holiday. No need for excuses. Let’s just rest.

President’s birthday

Depending on how well or how terribly they’ve done, we could either spend the public holiday throwing them a parade or throwing tomatoes at them. Either way, we’d be bonding as a country.

Public holidays in other African countries

How else will we boost African unity if we don’t celebrate one another’s public holidays?

RELATED: QUIZ: Do You Know African Countries and Their Presidents?

Itohan Esekheigbe

October 7, 2022

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, Inside life, listicle, Nigeria, Public Holiday
Yes, everyone has a relationship red flag, but do you know you can tie yours to your favourite kind of shoes? You didn’t? Well, now, you know.

Slippers

You’re ready to run away from any minor problem. People who wear slippers are the epitome of “I didn’t come to this world to kill myself”. They’d dust their slippers and run if you stress them too much. It’s a red flag because sometimes, a straightforward conversation would solve what you’re running away from.

Sneakers

You think dating is too expensive because you spend all your money on shoes. Spending ₦20k on a date is too much, but you see that ₦75k shoe? Fair price.

Heels

A little cheating here and there, but that’s all there is. The problem is you like how your shoes sound as you’re moving from one partner to the other. The koin koin sound gets to your head a lot.

RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Relationship Red Flags Do You Have?

Slides

People who wear slides are the same as slippers wearers, but they’ll be annoyed if you call their slides slippers. If slides are your favourite type of shoes, you’re prone to gaslighting your partner.

Loafers

You’re the complete opposite of the sneakers people. You think money solves all the problems. A little toxicity here and there, but it can all be solved with dollars. You’re wrong sha because people just want communication, but that’s not your business.

Boots

Emotionally unavailable is your middle name, and it’s because the boots are stopping blood flow to your heart. Remove them, let your feet touch grass and allow yourself to feel love. Abi, ki lo feel?

RELATED: QUIZ: How Red Is Your Flag?

Crocs

You don’t take anything seriously. Everything about your relationship is a big joke to you, and your partners are not happy about that. Relationships are work, but that’s not your vibe.

Sandals

You put people’s needs above your own and get hurt. Just because you’re wearing Jesus’ sandals doesn’t mean you have to act like him. Your “selflessness” is why you can’t hear certain songs without breaking down in Ebeano.

Barefoot

If you hate any form of footwear so much you’d rather go barefoot, then you don’t just have a red flag, you have a red blanket. You write a script for how relationships should go without factoring in what the person you’re dating is like. Your way or nobody else’s and it’s giving very much delusional.

RELATED: 9 Green Flags to Look Out For in a Partner

Itohan Esekheigbe

August 8, 2022

Ships

Funny, Humour, listicle, Red flags, Relationship, Ships
Do you want people to regard you with awe and put some “respeck” on your name? If you live in Nigeria, the following will be very useful in achieving your aim.

1. Tell them you know Dangote one-on-one

Whether you’ve even seen the back of his head before or not, it doesn’t matter. The koko is how well you’re able to defend your claims.

2. Choose violence once in a while

Have been choosing the “nice” path? Ah. If you want to earn yourself some respect, change it for people and choose violence every once in a while.

3. Stay far away from drama

That includes not dragging people that didn’t do anything to you on Twitter, and telling Bisi you have work to do when she comes with office gossip. Tomorrow it’ll be your gist she’ll be spreading.

4. Show them your birth certificate

Maybe people don’t respect you because of your small stature. You can fix that by showing them your birth certificate. Let them know you are not their mate, especially disrespectful Gen Zs.

5. Make it in life

If you’re not rich-rich enough for people to use your name for clout, forget anything about respect oh. Make it in life first and see how people will rush you with respect.

6. Make sure people know you only shop outside the country…

…Even as far as Turkey, and your orders get delivered directly to your doorstep because you use a Shop & Ship service. If it’s easy let them do it.

Shop and Ship is a global shipping service that delivers your online shopping from anywhere in the world right up to your doorstep. Discover the joy of shopping in the US, China, UK and Turkey amongst other countries with 32 S&S addresses worldwide. Why wait?

Sign up today. For more information, visit ShopandShip.com.

Susan Nwaobiala

February 7, 2022

Inside Life

Humour, Respect, Shopping
Remember when Nigerian songs were dramatic AF? We miss that. From wedding crashers stealing small chops to bukas that put people’s destinies inside groundnut bottles, these songs had storylines that had us going “WTF?”

1. Iya Basira — Styl Plus

Can you imagine stopping by a random buka for hot white rice, beans, plantain and assorted meat, only to have your destiny stolen? Imagine that. Iya Basira had a chokehold on Tunde, Shiffy and Zeal to the point that their mothers, girlfriends and best friends all abandoned them. This is why it’s important to remember that there’s rice at home. Despite all this crazy, the wildest thing was they called a policeman and he actually came. In Nigeria? LOL. Even worse, they weren’t able to stop Iya Basira, , meaning that she was left to conquer the world, one stolen destiny at a time.

2. Omoge Mi — Psquare

It’s one thing for your girl to cheat on you. But to do that with your best friend? Omo, this one is above us. Honestly, we would like to hear her own side of the story before we cancel her. Who knows, maybe Peter and Paul were exaggerating. #FreeThatBabeAbeg

3. Kerewa — Zule Zoo

The fact that our parents allowed us to listen to and sing this song is reason enough for us to sue them for child endangerment. The song’s plot revolves around a young child who witnesses their mum cheating on their dad with another man and proceeds to sing about it in graphic detail. It’s gross AF, but we also love the drama, and the child’s disturbing attention to detail. Don’t get us started on how Zule Zoo invented twerking. If you don’t believe us, argue with your daddy.

4. You is the One — Azadus

This song must’ve been the soundtrack that accompanied the origin stories of all millennial Yoruba demons. Because why on Beyoncé’s green earth was this guy comparing his girl to all the girls he cheated on her with? In one breath, you are telling her she’s the one and in the next line, you’re comparing her to Ngozi. In the words of Ric Hassani, “thunder fire you” dear.

5. Live in Yankee — Eedris Abdulkareem

Obasanjo, Femi Kuti, Lagbaja, Puff Daddy, and Eedris Abdulkareem all in one party in New York? Talk about a plot that was most definitely crack-inspired. After his Nigerian girlfriend calls him to ask why he abandoned her, Eedris Abulkareem gives her a long-ass tale about him japa’ing to America led to him meeting discount Puff Daddy and having the time of his life. The sad part is that this poor girl will probably wait for him. God will hill you, dear.

6. If You Ask Me — Omawumi

Spilling the tea in casual neighbourhood gossip style, Omawumi talks about a man who molests and impregnates his daughter. While this story is wild AF, it’s also an endemic problem Nigerians tend to talk about in hushed tones, that’s if they even talk about it at all.

7. This chick singing a Yoruba version of Celine Dion’s If That’s What It Takes

Do we know what she’s singing about? No. But she’s in a wedding dress belting out vocals to a Celine Dion sample so there’s no way this gist doesn’t have drama. Did we mention that they keep showing flashbacks of some random guy? We need to hear this juicy story ASAP. Who’s willing to be our Mummy G.O translator?

8. Crisis — African China

It’s hard to listen to this song and not feel a certain way. Yes, the stories are wild AF, but most of them are also true. When African China said, “We dey happy for democracy but some people dey demo dey craze”, I felt it in my soul.

9. Mogbomoya — T.W.O

Hilarious and super chaotic, this song is about those people who attend events they were not invited to. If you’ve ever been to a Nigerian wedding, naming ceremony, birthday, or funeral, then you’ve probably run into one of these event crashers who just show up for the vibes, food and souvenirs. We dare you not to laugh when you listen to the part where she’s asking for food. We see you sis, get those souvenirs!

10. My Car — Tony Tetuila

We need someone to adapt this classic into a comedy because the chaos that happens over the course of just one day still blows our minds. From his debtor dying unexpectedly to his car getting hit by Eedris Abdulkareem and Tinubu, Tony Tetuila had quite the day. Pele, dear.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

January 18, 2022

Pop

Humour, music, Nigerian Songs
“In 2022, I want to…” Ugh. Tired of all the generic new year’s resolutions that never last beyond five business working days?

Maybe these nine not-so-common resolutions should be on your list instead.

1. Tweet more memes

Imagine if memes suddenly go extinct, and people forgot how to find the “funny” in even the most serious of things? Tragic. Keep memes alive, plis and tenks.

2. Save more urgent 2ks

It’ll shock you to learn that “insufficient funds” is no respecter of persons. May the rainy day not find you without an umbrella.

3. Not making any new year’s resolutions…

…And avoid people who ask you about your new year’s resolutions.Why? Well, January is tomorrow, don’t worry you cannot change.

4. Survive “Malaria” and it’s siblings

Every disease manifesting as malaria; Omicron and other COVID variants or whatever they call themselves better stay away from you and yours.

5. Delete all your dating apps

It’s not like we’re shading you oh, but since you’ve had those apps, did you find the love of your life? Delete, delete, delete.

6. Own things with your chest

You want to wear your clothes inside out? Own that shit with your full chest. Nobody will beat you. Periodddd.

7. Have one of your tweets go viral

You’ll know you’ve made it in 2022 if at least one of your tweets goes VIRAL, overnight. Make it happen.

8. Be someone’s new year’s resolution

Ehen nau. First off, you are not a potato. So surely, someone somewhere must have you on their wishlist for 2022.

9. Find a bag of money by the roadside

Whether Baco bag or Ghana-must-go, bag is bag. The goal is to find money you didn’t work for. It might seem impossible just like other new year’s resolutions, but the Lord is your strength.

Don’t forget to share this with someone who hates new year’s resolutions.

Cheers, and have a happy new year!

[newsletter]

Susan Nwaobiala

December 31, 2021

Inside Life

2022, goals, Humour, New Year’s Resolution
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?

Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.

That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.

Read here.

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.

Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.

You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.

Read here.

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.

Read here.

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?

Read here.

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.

Guess what? It’s now being called Mojisola.

Read here.

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

Read here.

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? ~~Of course, hold Buhari.~~ And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.

Read here.

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

See Small Yansh dey shake oh!

Small Yansh ‘shaked’ into our office and we interviewed it. If you’ll read only one interview on this list, let this be the one.

Read here.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 31, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, inanimate objects, interview with, must read, roundup, Sarcasm
Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?

We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:

1. Lizard.

They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.

2. Snake.

People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.

3. Cockroaches.

This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.

4. Stolen goat.

Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.

6. Your pet dog.

What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.

7. Your ex.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.

Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 25, 2021

Chopist

animals, christmas, christmas chicken, Humour, Sarcasm, Tradition
Do you feel unexcited about Christmas because of the tiring visitors and house chores that come with it? Or are you the last born in your family dreading the heap of plates you’ll have to wash?

We feel your pain. Which is why we’ve compiled all the easy ways you can escape the clutches of house chores this Christmas period.

1. Eat out

This is hands down the easiest solution. Why stress yourself cooking, sweating and serving when you can just outsource it at a restaurant?

2. Burn the Christmas food

The less delicious it is, the lesser the chances of visitors asking for extra food will be. Which in turn would mean less plates for you to wash.

3. Pay others a visit

Wear your Christmas cloth and pay other family and friends a visit. It’s not your own house people will turn to a restaurant.

4. Turn your house to a fellowship ground

Anybody that visits you thinking they’ll come and eat and clean mouth will be in for a shocker. Eat in secret, then launch a series of intensive prayer sessions when they arrive. No one will tell them to take their leave.

5. Tell everyone you’ve travelled

And if they see you outside on Christmas Day, just say their eyes must be playing tricks on them.

6. Reuse one plate for everyone

For this to work, visitors have to wait for each other to finish eating before you dish food for the next person. If anyone complains, show them the door.

[newsletter]

Susan Nwaobiala

December 24, 2021

Inside Life

christmas, House chores, Humour
The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.

1. They always want to see you.

These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

2. They are professing undying love for you.

IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

3. They want to have raw sex.

This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

5. They want to party all night.

This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 19, 2021

Inside Life

destruction, Detty December, Humour, IJGB
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After interviewing Detty December about how it plans to remain outside despite all that is going on with COVID-19, Amapaino ran into our office to hide because a Detty December means an overworked Amapiano.

From being the hot cake of musical beats to becoming a regular thing to Nigerians, Amapiano’s journey is a classic see-finish story.

[Amapiano runs in]

Zikoko: Ahan, what’s going on? Who is pursuing you?

Amapiano: [Panting hard] Please, let me hide here.

Zikoko: Why? What did you do?

Amapiano: I’ll explain later, just let me hide here.

Zikoko: Omo, that will be hard oh. We cannot just hide you here without knowing why you are hiding.

Amapiano: Look, I won’t be a burden. I’ll just stay where you keep me and remain quiet until I can escape back to my country.

Zikoko: Where is your country?

Amapiano: South Africa.

Zikoko: So why do you want to go back? Have you not tasted Nigerian Jollof?

Amapiano: I have but—

Zikoko: Our national treasure! You see, the country might be going to shit, but once you eat Nigerian Jollof, everything automatically fixes itself.

Amapiano: No, that’s not—

Zikoko: In fact, Nigerian Jollof is the plane that will carry us to heaven on the last day.

Amapiano: Well, that doesn’t matter to—

Zikoko: You know what, let me ask them to serve you Jollof rice again, maybe you will be convinced to stay with us.

Amapiano: No, I beg of you, I don’t want any more Jollof rice. I don’t want anything that has to do with Nigeria, especially now that Christmas is here.

Zikoko: Amapiano, you are proving difficult and I don’t like it.

Amapiano: Just let me hide here for a while. Before the end of this week, my people will come for me and fly me back to South Africa. It is the only thing I desire from you.

Zikoko: Is Nigeria not enough for you?

Amapiano: [Screams] Nigerians want to finish me! Can’t you read between the lines?!

Zikoko: Oh.

Amapiano: [Bursts into tears] I never knew it would be like this. If I knew, I would have refused to come when I was being invited. Had I known, had I known, I would have just stayed back in South African clubs and parties.

Zikoko: How did you end up in Nigeria in the first place?

Amapiano: What does not end up in Nigeria eventually? Especially music. You people have a good number of hot music stars. When one of them sampled me in their music, I knew I had arrived.

Zikoko: Tell me more…

Amapiano: I felt on top of the world. I was this new sound with the gift of becoming a club banger and a street anthem. That’s a great level of versatility, and you know how Nigerians like versatile sounds.

Not every artiste knew how to use me, but they all wanted me in their songs, even if it was just for the sake of appearance. The collaborations were plenty, even artistes that have no business collaborating were doing it because of Amapiano. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually overwork you and see-finish will enter it.

Zikoko: So see-finish has entered it for you now?

Amapiano: Yes oh. In fact, my own is more than see-finish. Nigerians claim they want a bad bitch but the bad bitch arrives and you all cannot handle it. Why are you people clamouring for Amapiano when you know you will not dance when it is played live?

Zikoko: Eeyah.

Amapiano: Now, I have gone from being the hotcake of sounds to a regular sound. Let me be going to my country, please. The disgrace I have encountered here is enough.

Zikoko: How would you say this see-finish happened?

Amapiano: I blame myself, honestly. I don’t know who gave Nigerian artistes the idea that they need to include me in their songs, but I blame myself for agreeing. My eyes are clear now.

Zikoko: Me I think you have become popular sha.

Amapiano: Did I beg you people for popularity? Was I not popular before you people came to put me in your songs? If I was not popular, would you even have known me? Please don’t get me angry, it’s too early in the morning for this.

Zikoko: Sorry oh. But now that you are planning to escape, what will happen to Christmas parties in Nigeria?

Amapiano: Christmas is to celebrate the birthday of Jesus. I’m not sure Mary’s son would have wanted you to play Amapiano on his birthday anyway.

Zikoko: If you go, do you have any brothers or sisters that can replace you?

Amapiano: As how?

Zikoko: Should we be expecting Amaguitar and Amadrum anytime soon?

[Amapiano stares very hard at Zikoko, sighs deeply, hisses, and then walks out]

Zikoko: Amapiano wait now! Don’t you want to hide here again?

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 17, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

amapiano, Humour, interview with
We are so grateful that Shiloh happens every year. A prayer gathering where miracles happen and multiple breakthroughs are recorded? SIGN US UP! But given the state of the country, we have started wondering about this one thing: instead of taking your partner’s picture to Shiloh, why not take these 10 things with you?

1. Nigeria.

If there’s one thing that needs God’s divine touch, it is Nigeria. When Nigeria receives the divine touch, even the population of single people will reduce.

2. Your account number.

Don’t you want to receive miracle alerts? Omo, the next Shiloh that happens, you better go there with your account details. Before that service ends, credit alert will be chasing you.

3. Your CGPA.

If God can raise Lazarus from the dead, what is your CGPA that God cannot pour divine yeast into? Believe and you shall receive.

4. Picture of your project supervisor.

Final year students, don’t sleep on this! If your project supervisor is moving like your village people, just take the battle to the spiritual realm. By the time you leave Shiloh, your project supervisor will be the one begging you to collect A as your final score.

5. Picture of your line manager.

Is your boss a pain in the ass? Just take a sick leave and go to Shiloh and raise their picture high to heaven. If that manager refuses to get in line, my saviour will manage them quickly!

6. A picture of the latest iPhone.

This one requires faith. Just carry the picture with you. And if you can get the carton, carry it too and pray. Before the week ends, you’ll either find a brand new iPhone on the floor or the prices will fall to 2k. Impossibility? It’s not for my father.

7. A picture of your dream body.

Why go to the gym when you can go to Shiloh? Flat stomach? Six pack? Bumbum like pillows? Work it out in prayers!

8. Your edges.

If there is one thing God can do, it is to reshape all damaged edges? Does yours fall into this category? Just take it to my father.

9. Your international passport.

My father is still in the business of taking people from grass to grace. So, carry your green passport and declare. Japa is greater than finding true love.

10. Yourself.

Just pray for Otedola or Dangote to adopt you. There’s no greater encounter than that, believe me.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 11, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigeria, prayers, shiloh
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?

Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.

[Detty December walks in and looks around]

Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—

Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?

Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?

Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.

Zikoko: Dirty?

Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?

Zikoko: Not at all.

Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.

[Detty December smacks lips]

Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?

Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?

Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.

Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?

Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.

Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].

Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.

Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?

Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.

Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?

Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.

Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?

Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.

And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.

Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.

Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.

Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.

Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?

Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.

Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?

Detty December: As how?

Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.

Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.

Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?

Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.

Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport.

Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.

Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?

Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—

[Detty December’s phone rings]

Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!

[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]

Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.

Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.

[Detty December walks out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 10, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Detty December, Humour, Interview, Sarcasm
You know how everyone is always crying about how Lagos men are wicked, serving breakfast up and down? Well, let’s introduce you to Abuja men and their shenanigans. Known for hobosexualism – the art of squatting with your sexual partner, these men are the real pandemic. But you know what? They’re actually hardworking as well. Here are some of the inspiring jobs they take on when they’re not eating all your food for free.

Fitness Trainer

One of the most lucrative Abuja baby boy roles has to be the fitness trainer route. You see them all the time on Instagram and probably in every gym in town. These guys have like 18 packs and will take off their shirts faster than CBN can announce a new financial cock-blocking policy. During the day, they’re at the gym helping their clients learn the new booty building squat routine, and by night, you’ll be sure to either spot them at the latest clubs in shirts so tight they can barely breathe or in the bed of one of their clients doing plumber work.

Selling “bespoke” trad

Everyone who is anyone in Abuja has a clothing line at this point. What do you expect in a city where everyone dresses like they have a high-class wedding to attend? This is also another job you can take on while you live off your girlfriend. To do this well, you need to have a reliable tailor and a little bit of Instagram clout, so when you decide to sell one up and down for ₦80,000, no one will bat an eyelash. After all, it’s not really the trad they’re buying, it’s the aesthetics.

Running a barbing salon

Another lucrative scene in Abuja is the barbing salon industry and we don’t use the word “Industry” lightly. In Abuja, a haircut can go for as high as ₦5,000 depending on the location and general je ne sais quoi of the place. Some will cut your hair, rub your head small, and decide it’s enough reason to bleed your account dry. If you can convince a woman to let you live with her for free, then getting her to open a barbing salon for you shouldn’t be so hard.

Chasing contracts

This is the Abuja version of “I have containers on the high sea”. Unconfirmed statistics show that one in every six Abuja men has one or two contracts in the pipeline and that’s why they’ve mastered the art of drafting proposals. Literally, anyone can write you a business plan in Abuja. This is also one of the ways Abuja hobosexuals weasel their way into your bed and your Garki apartment. They’ll tell you one of their contracts is being processed and if you’re not jazzed up, you’ll enter one chance.

[newsletter]

Influenza

Thanks to social media and Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s easy to make a life for yourself just by being internet famous these days. Tapping into this market, Abuja men can be influencers for any and everything from waist trainers and slimming tea to just strolling through restaurants with Lecrae’s Coming in hot playing in the background. All you need to excel at this is a fine face, nice outfits and a phone with a good camera. For extra followers, throw in some muscle ear and dear.

A lirru bit of gheigh

Landing a senator or minister in Abuja is not as easy as Abuja Connection made it look. While Clarion Chukwura and Eucharia Anunobi were battling it out for the tough men in the city, your competition here might just be the boyfriend you left at home. You’re not the only one who likes money, sis. And like the popular video says, “All of us na ashewo.” So please, keep that in mind.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 6, 2021

Inside Life

abuja, Humour, Inside life, Mandem
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re out having a good time and some random person just asks if you’re married (even though they most likely already know the answer)? If you’ve ever been in this situation and didn’t know how to fire back, here are some responses you can go with next time that will make the nosy person’s head spin.

And?

Ask them what that has to do with anything. So you’re married, and so bloody what? Is it a union or a prison? Remind them that it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just a certificate and a ring.

Just a little bit

How can anyone blame you for cheating when you’re just a little bit married? Basically, you have just one leg in the marriage, and are free to wander and philander around Lagos with the other leg.. If they ask what it means to be a little bit married, tell them to take your answer like that and redirect their focus to the love you have for them.

What exactly do you mean by “married”?

Turn the tables around and interrogate the person. What exactly do they mean by “married”? And yes, it’s a compulsory exam question worth 20 marks. There are many ways to go around a marriage. This is the time to be smart and find that loophole.

Marriage? What does that even mean?

It’s time for you to act like your brain is empty. Marriage? What a foreign concept! All you know is that you’re single and ready to mingle. Anyone that claims to be married to you is obviously delusional.

[newsletter]

Are any of us truly married?

Very important question. Who created these laws of marriage in the first place? Were Adam and Eve married? No. It’s high time we all learned to live on vibes and vibes alone.

But I’m here

Remind them that despite your alleged partner, you are here with them,professing your love, and that’s all that matters. Every other thing is noise. What else do they even want from you? If this isn’t true love, we don’t know what else it could be.

Is it your business?

Anybody who asks about your marital status in public clearly doesn’t mean you well. They were probably sent by your village people to embarrass you. It’s only right that you tear your singlet and fight because they clearly want violence.

Abeg X3

Why are they boxing you in? That’s very disrespectful. It’s time for you to shut down naysayers challenging the validity of your single-hood. Saying you’re married is like an attack and you have to dismiss these accusations to avoid further embarrassment.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 30, 2021

Inside Life

Cheating, Humour, Inside life, Lagos, Married men
Nothing prepares you for the drama that comes with going to a concert in Nigeria. From the main artist who chooses to show up seven hours late to the upcoming artist who expects you to sing along to a song they dropped that morning, everyone acts like they’re on steroids. With concert season around the corner (those prices though), we’ve made a list of people you’ll most likely run into at the next show you go for.

1. The One With A Curfew

They will spend the entire time reminding you that they have a curfew and need to be home before 10 p.m. This is funny because everyone knows that Nigerian concerts never start on time. Most of the time, these ones leave before the main act gets on stage (which is usually at 3 a.m).

2. The One Always Looking For A Place To Crash Until Daybreak

Despite knowing that concerts run until very late, these ones won’t make plans for how they’ll get home or where they’ll sleep if they can’t get a ride.. They are basically running on vibes. If you meet someone like this at a concert and share a laugh together, they’ll ask to spend the night in your parlour.

3. The One That’s Too Big To Dance

If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s forming. Why are you at a concert standing like an electric pole? These ones will rather die than actually admit that they’re having a good time. Tragic.

4. The One That Won’t Stop Dancing

These are the people that don’t understand the difference between a concert and a nightclub. Yes, you can dance o, but this is not Maltina Dance All so calm the hell down. They show up to concerts and start throwing their legs everywhere like Liquorose. All you can do at this point is get out of their way to avoid injury and let them finish.

5. The One Trying To Outsing The Artist On Stage

Arguably the most annoying group on this list. They will shout, not sing, every word as if their life depends on it. We get it. You’re a super fan. But please dear, we didn’t pay to hear you sing, so kindly geddifok.

6. The Ones Who Don’t Know The Lyrics

They’ll be in a corner passionately singing the lyrics to your favourite song but if you look closely, you’ll see that they’re just chopping their mouths singing a version of the song even the artist has never heard before.

[newsletter]

7. The “I Was Dragged Here” Concert Goer

They probably got dragged there by their friends or have been forced to chaperone their siblings. Either way, they will spend their time side-eying and judging everyone that’s having a good time, just because they think they have better taste in music. Go and sell your taste in the market and allow us to have nice things.

8. The Discount Documentary Filmmaker That Wants To Record The Entire Concert

The most common on the list thanks to everyone constantly clinging to their phone. While it’s okay to record a couple of clips for the gram, these ones with their 512GB phones must record every single moment. It’s almost like they’ve been contracted by Netflix to make a documentary.

9. The Overly Touchy Couple

You know the couple with the girl in front and the guy behind her holding her waist? They’re practically inseparable and do all they can to remind us single people that we ain’t shit. Honestly, we can’t stand them either. Get a room! We came here to watch a musician, not two random people dry hump each other.

10. The Creepy Guy That Doesn’t Understand Consent

The absolute worst are the guys who go to concerts and harass women who just came to have a good time. They feel like it’s their right to dance with anyone they want to because “we are all having fun”. Don’t be a part of this group of people. You will get your ass kicked and thrown out of the concert.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 29, 2021

Inside Life

Concerts, Detty December, Humour, Inside life
Lagos is a city of mad people. Before you come for us, we have proof. Multiple proofs, sef. But of all the crazies you are bound to encounter in Lagos, bus conductors do the most. Here are 9 types you are likely to jam:

1. The one who is a walking a loudspeaker.

Yes, bus conductors are expected to have loud voices, but there is that one conductor who sounds like he swallowed an actual loudspeaker. He speaks one word, and you hear it from a thousand miles. Just don’t let him speak close to your ears, please. You don’t want to take the risk.

2. The one who doesn’t pronounce the destinations well.

Iyana Ipaja becomes Yanapaja, Oshodi becomes Oshod, and Ikeja becomes Ikej-Ike-Ikej. Together, Iyana Ipaja, Oshodi, Ikeja becomes “Yanapajaoshodkej” and you will be stuck at the bus-stop for hours wondering when a new local government was created. Half the time, you’ll even miss your destination.

3. The one with the notorious body odour.

It gets bad if he has mouth odour too. And it gets worse if he puts his armpit over your head and opens his mouth in your face to collect your transport fare. And if it’s on a Monday morning when you are heading to work, just know that’s the worst of the worst.

4. The fighter.

This type of conductor has a lot of pent-up energy that that he spends on fight. In the course of a fifteen minute trip, he will fight with an agbero and fight with at least three passengers. Once the fight starts, just avert your face before a blow lands on it and you get an emergency face lift from a Lagos conductor.

5. The one who is always looking for an opportunity to pass comments.

He will comment on your outfit, your mode of sitting, even the way you tell him your destination. Ignore him, except you want to match his energy sha.

6. The one who never has change.

He won’t rest until he joins three passengers together to fight over fifty naira change at Ikeja Along on the very day when you have an interview to attend.

7. The gentle one.

This one could easily be a passenger. He doesn’t have the power to make noise.

8. The one who knows better than the driver.

Oversabi conductors? Them full Lagos. You will be in the bus and you will hear him directing the driver and telling the driver to do as he said. Who is the actual driver and who is the conductor? Find out on this episode of Lagos Bus Rides. If you are lucky, the conductor and the driver might exchange blows at some point. It’s all part of the show.

9. The one who “forgets” to give you change.

Have you even met a real Lagos bus conductor if one of them has not run away with your change?

Which one did we miss? Tell us in the comments!

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 28, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, lagos conductors
One thing nobody ever really prepares you for when you visit Ibadan, is the types of drivers you will encounter. From bus drivers to taxi drivers, there is a different level of drama attached to each one.

But today, let’s focus on Micra drivers. If you ever plan to visit Ibadan, prepare yourself to meet any of these types of drivers:

1. The one whose Micra is close to the grave.

If you enter this man’s taxi, anything you see, just take it like that. He himself knows the state of his Micra, and that’s why he is drives as slowly as he does.

2. The one who forgets he is driving a Micra and is competing with an okada.

This type of driver will speed so much, you will start to wonder if you are acting “Fast and Furious 7,” Ibadan edition.

3. The snail.

His Micra is not close to the grave, neither is it suffering from any condition. This taxi driver is just as slow as anything else. Don’t you dare ask him to hurry up and drive faster, unless you are ready to hear your family’s history laced with hot curses.

4. The chatterbox.

THIS TYPE OF DRIVER ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY! He will talk from the moment you enter the taxi and when you exit. Make the mistake of indulging him and you will find yourself on the set of Cho-Cho-Cho: Letting An Ibadan Cab Driver Talk Me To Death.

5. The one whose seats are smelling.

Yes, they exist. Once you settle your buttocks on the seat, a strange smell will just waft up your nose. If you are not careful, you will probably think you farted. It is when you alight that you realise what actually happened.

6. The one who will insult you the passenger.

One thing you should know is this: it doesn’t matter what you do or did not do, some of these taxi drivers are simply out to insult you. If you enter such a taxi, just keep quite and accept your insults like that. It’s a perk of the trip.

7. The one who will withhold your balance.

They usually come with a warning: “Hold your change.” Once you make the costly mistake of entering without the change, anything your eyes see, just take it like that. After all, you were warned before entering, didn’t you?

8. The one who will let you go with the money but will insult your life.

Sometimes, you might not have the required change, and the driver is forced to let you go with your money. In Ibadan, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money and not say anything. And on the other hand, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money but insult your life and heap every known curse on that single naira note. It is what it is.

Did we miss any? Tell us in the comments!

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 28, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, ibadan, ibadan taxi drivers, micra
If there is one thing a Nigerian woman will never do, it is to willingly spend her money on a man. But don’t worry, we have finally cracked the code to getting Nigerian women to open their purse.

Just do everything on this list, and you will be swimming in money before the end of the year.

1. Spend on her first.

You must first invest before you can get returns on your investment. Just make sure you choose the right investment plan sha so your money doesn’t vanish.

2. Give her orgasms.

Once you are able to provide this basic benefit, it won’t be difficult for a Nigerian woman to open her purse. Yes, there are some women who will not spend a dime on you even if you give them fifteen orgasms in a five-minute genital bumping session, but don’t let that deter you.

3. When she asks you to “do it just like that” during sex, don’t overdo.

Whatever you are doing, just keep doing it in that same measure and rhythm. Don’t attempt to increase pace or overdo because you have been complimented or you will fuck up your bag.

4. Date someone else.

Nigerian women are not moved to do anything for a man until competition enters it. That is when you will see them struggling to win your heart, especially if they know you are gifted with the extraordinary ability to provide orgasms.

5. Allow her to bite you.

Women love a man who allows them to fulfil their cannibalistic tendencies. When she bites you once or twice, pretend you are sick and watch her spend her last card on you. Relax and enjoy it, it’s payday!

6. Buy her ashewo dress.

She probably won’t spend on you, but she will probably agree to get on top and ride, which is something that happens only once in three years. Enjoy it while it lasts.

7. Give her head and don’t bite her clit like shaki.

Once you make the mistake of biting her, you might as well kiss your check goodbye and get ready for the poverty that will bite you.

8. Be a pet dog.

Let’s be honest, unless you are a fluffy pet dog named “Coco” or “Atinuke,” a Nigerian woman won’t even look at you twice. So, my dear friend, better start practising that bark. “Woof, woof!”

9. Be her younger brother.

Even with this, you still have to beg for it. But at least, she will consider the blood tie between you both and send you 2k once in two years.

10. Be PiggyVest.

That’s the only one thing Nigerian women are guaranteed to put their money in. So, you can either convince her to create a savings plan in your name, or you can turn into PiggyVest itself and collect all her earnings.

Whichever way you choose, good luck as you begin your journey to becoming the youngest billionaire as you gather money from a Nigerian woman.

How do you know if your girlfriend is a rich woman? We already did our findings here:

12 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Rich Woman

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 27, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigerian Men, Nigerian woman, spending money
Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you. If you are dating any woman and she is manifesting any of these signs, please just break-up with her.

1. She calls you by your government name.

If she does this, it is a clear sign that she cannot be bothered by you or by the relationship. Break up with her today and this babe will find another lover in two days. Take it from us.

2. She calls you affectionate pet names like “Baby”

It’s not that she loves you, she is just calling you these names to mock you. Imagine you, a 28-year-old man, being referred to as “Baby.” Is she trying to tell you that you act like a child? If she refers to you as “Sweetheart,” what she means is that you don’t have a strong heart. That babe is probably dating a cultist and you are the side penis.

3. She does not post you on social media.

Just forget it: that woman is ashamed to be seen with you. You embarrass her. She probably said yes to a relationship with you because she pities you.

4. She posts you on social media.

Ah, she is clearly offering you to be snatched by the other women! Each time she posts you, her intention is, “Come and snatch this man from me, please. I am tired.” It’s almost like she’s auctioning you to the fastest fingers.

5. She is eager to visit you at home.

Hm, she does not want to spend money on you, that’s why she’s settling for that. You think if she loves you and wants to spend on you, she would not be taking you to places? Women are smart oh.

6. She doesn’t like visiting you at home.

In other words, you are no match for her, house-wise. You don’t believe us? Break-up with her and you’ll see her fall in love with a real estate agent.

7. She gives you head.

Hian. This one is just looking for an opportunity to bite your penis and injure you so you can break up with her. That woman does not love you. Watch how eager she is when you ask for head, and you will see that there is something scary about her excitement. How can someone be excited to put penis in their mouth, if it’s not to bite and injure the carrier of the penis?

[newsletter]

8. She doesn’t give you head.

This one is trying to get you to break up with her. Once you have asked her for head like 3 times and she refuses, she knows the next thing would be you breaking up with her or cheating on her with someone who gives head. The end result is that she’ll be free of you.

9. She cooks for you.

One word: POISON. Run oh.

10. She doesn’t cook for you.

What is the best way to show love if not through intense labouring in the kitchen? If she refuses to labour for your affection, abeg dump her. DUMP HER. That babe does not love you.

11. She celebrates you on special anniversaries.

She’s clearly showing you that she is the kind of woman who does not forget anything, which means she is keeping all record of your wrongs, even the ones she says she has forgiven you for. That kind of woman will not hesitate to list all of your crimes when you commit another. Better break up now. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

12. She doesn’t even know that there’s an anniversary for men.

National Boyfriend’s Day, she did not celebrate you. International Men’s Day, she did not praise you. Children’s Day, she did not buy you gift. See ehn, just go your separate ways. You could die and this woman would be out partying and minding her own business.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 19, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, love, Nigerian Girlfriends, romance
When a young Nigerian man has just come into money, he is easy to know. You have to look out for the signs so you can know how to make your move. Here is a list of eleven signs you should watch out for. Don’t say Zikoko did not do anything for you.

1. He’s starting to grow a potbelly.

The potbelly of a young Nigerian man who has just come into money is certainly not as big as this. It’s a small, blossoming thing, just to show that he has started eating a little too well and does not really have time for the gym because he is too busy counting his new money. Look around, ladies and gentlemen, these men are everywhere.

2. He wears Sauvage by Dior or Club De Nuit Intense.

This is the signature scent. You better get familiar with it. It is the smell of money.

3. He visits Unilag In the evening.

We are not going to speak much on this. But if you know, you know.

4. He has white native, both up and down and Agbada.

You will probably call him a demon, but he knows he is an angel and doesn’t want you to stain his white. ~~White wey don stain.~~

5. With Man purse

This is a necessary piece.

6. He’s always tweeting about how his parents now ask him for advice.

It’s because he has money, my dears. Who sabi the poor pikin?

7. He says things like “I will marry this woman.”

He’s an intentional man, please. No time for back and forth, he is a talk-and-do.

8. He cheats only once a week

Because he’s busy making money the rest of the week. Can’t fumble the bag because of mekwe.

9. He either drives a Corolla or a Lexus or he’s driving a Toyota and aiming for Lexus.

By their cars, you shall know them. Better watch out so you can catch the latest fresh fish.

10. He’s working Canadian PR.

What’s the point of being a rich young man who has just come into money, if not to japa? #OperationCanda #JapaSZN

11. He doesn’t have time for foreplay

He’s too busy trying to get back to work. Can’t be spending time caressing places that won’t yield cash. If anyone says we are lying, let them come out and deny it.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 13, 2021

Man Dem

Humour, money, Nigerian man, rich
Let’s start with the background gist: On Twitter, someone asked people to tell everyone their 2021 wins. There was the usual replies of getting a job and falling in love, etc etc. But then someone tweeted that they increased their salary 23x times.

This was all of us when we saw that tweet:

YOUR SALARY INCREASED 23 TIMES?? Are you sure it’s not 2 or 3 times you meant to type, sir? But we got over our shock and decided to improve ourselves too. And after an intense session of thinking about our lives and careers in this life of sin, we have finally come up with ways to increase our salary 23 times, and more than that.

Come along with us on this journey to financial liberation.

1. First of all, know that it is impossible.

If you’re with a Nigerian employer, increasing your salary times 23x can never ever happen. It’s not like we are cursing you oh, but shebi you know how things happen in these streets.

2. Quit your job.

If you don’t quit the job that is paying you small money, how do you hope to get a better one? Before you secure the bag, you must learn to let one bag go so you can make room for another.

3. And if you don’t want to quit your job, use your boss for money rituals.

If they won’t pay you what you want want, you better be ready to use them to get it. Remember the saying, “Use what you have to get what you want.” In this case, your boss is what you have and that’s who you will use to get it.

4. Start typing HTML everyday.

One day, that HTML will turn to money. It’s the coding bitcoin law of financial eth and javascript ifenile kponkwem. 🙏🏾

5. Buy attraction oil and divine favour soap.

After you collect your competitive salary, use the money to invest in attraction oil and divine favour soap. It is this purchase of yours that will attract the 23X salary to you. If you don’t believe us, ask those who have been using the oil. Do you think they work 9-5? Please. They are attracting tingsss.

6. Seduce Dangote.

This is one way to seal your salary. Once you buy the attraction oil and divine favour soap, just secure a meeting with Dangote at a Benz dealership and seduce him. 50X salary loading.

7. Open an OnlyFans account.

Start free, and when you have amassed a large following, you will increase prices. If they like your nakedness, they will stay. What this means is that you have to put in the work oh. This is not ideal if you don’t like hardwork.

8. Start doing whocup.

If you don’t want the internet to see your nakedness, you can just do a door-to-delivery. That one even pays more, especially if you deliver it hot and spicy, with a dash of street flavour.

9. If these things don’t work, start selling akara.

You are guaranteed to make over ₦30k per day, especially if you sell in these 10 places we mentioned here: 10 Places To Make Over ₦30k Per Day From Selling Akara.

10. And if akara selling doesn’t fit your destiny, invest in these 9 things.

We have carefully curated the investment options for you, and they are sure to bring you profit. Imagine investing in Titus sardine. Tituscurrency! Buy the dip and hodl. We must 100x our salary in this 2020.

9 Things You Can Buy And Hold As Investment In Nigeria

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 13, 2021

Inside Life

2022, Humour, increasing your salary
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigerian companies always like to say they pay a competitive salary, but it never lasts till the end of the month. Today on Interview With, we sat down with Competitive Salary and asked it to tell us the problem.

[Competitive Salary jogs in. ‘Eye of The Tiger’ starts to play from nowhere.]

Zikoko: Uhm, hello there.

[Competitive Salary stretches]

Zikoko: It’s good to have you.

[Competitive Salary drops to the floor and does 15 push-ups]

Zikoko: Pardon me, but I think it would be best if you sat down.

[Competitive Salary rises up and starts to squat]

Zikoko: …

[Competitive Salary drinks protein shake from a water bottle]

Zikoko: Is that a protein shake? Looks like you’re trying to bulk up.

Competitive Salary: Yes. I’ve been trying, but I’ve not bulked anything for the past eight years. Employers have told me to trust the process though, so I’m very hopeful.

Zikoko: I see…

[Competitive Salary dabs sweat and sits down]

Competitive Salary: Good day, Interviewer.

Zikoko: Same to you, Competitive Salary. Thank you for showing up.

Competitive Salary: I didn’t even plan to show up, but I decided to use the opportunity for Leg Day, so I jogged all the way here.

Zikoko: You sound like you are always training. Are you actually competing against something?

Competitive Salary: Interviewer, what is my first name?

Zikoko: Competi— Oh…

Competitive Salary: Exactly. Since I was born, I have been competing. I am competing now, and I will compete till I die.

Zikoko: But who exactly are you competing against?

Competitive Salary: Who? I compete not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places.

Zikoko: Only you? Okay, you have to explain now. Who are the principalities and powers?

Competitive Salary: HR. Or is it Talent Management they call themselves these days?

Zikoko: What about the rulers of the darkness of this world?

Competitive Salary: CEOs.

Zikoko: Interesting… What of spiritual wickedness in high places?

Competitive Salary: The government and everyone in power who is responsible for inflation and unnecessarily high prices.

Zikoko: Hm. It doesn’t seem like things are alright with you oh.

Competitive Salary: See, things are not alright at all. I never wanted to be about this life of competition. My relatives in foreign tech companies are in USD or other sensible currencies. But I am in naira and that’s why I am in trouble today. To be in naira is to fight and struggle everyday.

And then, as if this isn’t enough, the HR and CEOs decided to make me competitive. They saw me fighting for my life and decided: “You know what this one needs? Competition. We will call it Competitive Salary.” That was when I knew they were the principalities and powers and rulers of the darkness of this world.

Zikoko: Have you ever tried to speak about it?

Competitive Salary: I don’t have to. The people who receive me are always complaining. Poor souls. They heard competitive salary and decided to apply for the job. Now, me and my owners don’t even get to see each other for more than a few seconds.

Zikoko: I’m not getting you.

Competitive Salary: The moment I drop like this, I’m running out of their accounts.

I compete against house rent, black tax, Uber, food, debit alerts — unforeseen and foreseen, and if you have a car, I compete against it too, because it’s at the end of the month that the car will start making useless noises. I always advise people to increase the sound of their radio when their car starts to do anyhow. Let Ayra Starr’s voice help you drown out the sound of your gasket blowing.

Zikoko: That sounds like you want these people to have accident o. But tell me, if you were not a Competitive Salary, what would you rather be?

Competitive Salary: I just want to be a salary. As in, a livable wage. All this talk of competing is too much for me. This really isn’t a good way to live. Every day, I’m up at 6am, jogging, squatting, stretching, doing push-ups and drinking protein shakes. Before the middle of the month, the things I’m competing with have defeated me.

Please, I’m tired. Is my creator on leave? Why always me?

[Competitive Salary breaks down in tears]

Zikoko: Pele. This is a lot. What advice would you give job seekers and everyone out there?

Competitive Salary: When next you’re asking about a job’s pay and they tell you that you should not worry because the salary is competitive, tell them that you will worry o. What’s bringing competition inside remuneration? They should say how much so you can know where you’re going.

[Competitive Salary gets a call and excuses itself to take it in the toilet]

Competitive Salary [from the toilet]: As in they’re coming now? Wow. But it’s just the 5th. I thought I had time. Okay. Bye.

[Competitive Salary returns]

Competitive Salary: If you’ll excuse me, I have just been told that there are debit alerts already hunting for me. It’s not even the middle of the month, but I can smell death. This is not life.

Zikoko: Ehya. Would you like—

[Competitive Salary jogs out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Breakfast: “I Am An Important Meal”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 12, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

competitive salary, Humour, interview with, interview with competitive salary
If you are Nigerian, then you will understand what we mean when we say some things are just not for us. Some of these things are sexual practices that are just not aligned with our Nigerian-ness. Here is a list of some of them:

1. Toe sucking

You are a Nigerian and you want to suck your partner’s toes? Are you not afraid of the miles they have travelled? Are you not scared of how tough the soles of their feet will be? Imagine sucking the toes of someone from Igando or Ikorodu. God abeg.

2. Eating a man’s ass.

So you became so horny that you decided, out of plain fornication and the romantic gesture of bumping genitals, that you want to eat bumbum. And I’m not mad at it. I admire the courage. But then it’s not just any ass, it is the one owned by a Nigerian man you want to chook your mouth in and eat? Do you have a death wish? Is that how you have chosen to go?

9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

3. Bondage.

The Nigerian in me would never do this. The moment I hear, “Let me put you in bondage,” my Christianity will resurrect and I’ll start speaking in tongues and shouting, “I shall not be put in bondage. My destiny shall never experience bondage. Everything that belongs to me shall never be bound. Rikabasunbatatatata.”

4. Fisting.

If you don’t know what this is, Google it. But here’s a simpler way to put it: imagine someone putting their entire hand inside your honeypot, their entire hand oh, and not their weapon of love. Imagine them bending you over and putting that complete hand, from palm to wrist to elbow, inside you. Just imagine. JUST. IMAGINE.

5. Public sex.

Many people are doing this, sha. But one day will be one day when you will be caught and we will do GoFundMe to bail you out. Imagine your pastor coming to bail you out and they ask you what you were arrested for: “Collecting hot fok in public.”

6. Pissing.

Somebody’s child that you are, you will kneel down and open your mouth or spread yourself like moi-moi leaf, only for someone to remove their weapon of love and expel hot urine all over you. Hot yellow urine, in this Nigeria where everything is hot.

7. Scat.

Here’s how Google defines it:

“In sexual fetishism, scatology (usually abbreviated scat) refers to coprophilia, when a person is sexually aroused by fecal matter, whether in the use of feces in various sexual acts, watching someone defecating, or simply seeing the feces. Entire subcultures in sexuality are devoted to this fetish.”

Is this what you want to indulge in? Be honest and answer yourself.

But we are not judging sha. Do what you want and have fun. Just stay safe.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 7, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigerians, sex-life
We don’t care if you enjoy sex or not. The damage caused by that act is enough and it is time for the government to abolish sex in Nigeria. Here are 11 good reasons why this must happen ASAP.

1. Sex brings pregnancy.

Be honest with yourself, do you want pregnancy at this time?

2. Pregnancy brings babies, and babies steal your peace of mind.

And then the child grows up to hate you, despite everything you did for them. Is this how you want your life to go?

3. Sex makes you confused. You start wondering if it’s love you are feeling.

And like this, they will take you for an idiot. You will begin to condone nonsense in the name of love. We don’t want that for you, so we all need to come together to beg the government to ban this act.

4. Sex is too sweet.

And we all know doctors and dentists don’t recommend things that are too sweet. So, it’s best to choose health over hot fok.

5. Sex is messy and sweaty.

Imagine bathing and smelling nice, only to be rough handled by someone and getting their saliva in your mouth and their sweat all over your body? Imagine getting your hair scattered, and your legs spread apart like a television’s antenna? God forbid abeg. We need to ban such a dirty act.

6. Let’s be honest, sex is unproductive use of our time.

Time you should be using to harvest yam and better your lives or advancing in your career, you are using it to bend over or get bent over while someone is grabbi— Oh no, this act deserves to be abolished.

7. All the heat from hot fok is causing global warming.

Global warming is a serious environmental crisis. Why must you choose to damage your environment because of hot fok? Do you not care about survival?

8. Sex is the leading cause of cheating in Nigeria.

Yes. Yes. Yes. The earlier we abolish sex, the longer relationships and marriages last.

9. Our population is already plenty enough.

We need a moratorium on sex until things normalise. We cannot afford to lapse into overpopulation.

10. Sex makes people scream “Jesus” and “Oh my God”

First of all, do you nasty sinners not fear anything? What if your noise encourages our creator to hasten His second coming?

11. Buhari was angry that all we use Twitter for is sex, so he banned it.

Abolish sex today so we can get Twitter back today.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 4, 2021

Inside Life

abolish sex, ban sex, Buhari, Humour, sex-life, Twitter Ban
Are you worried that the cost of living keeps rising, and it’s proving more difficult to keep sapa at bay? Has spa not gotten to your side yet but you want to ensure it never does by sapa-proofing yourself? Instead of waiting for a destiny helper who’s taking forever to locate you, kuku start selling your body organs or fluid to make money. Legally, of course.

Disclaimer: We in no way encourage illegal organ harvesting or trading. This article is purely intended for humorous purposes.

1. Heart

Remember when relationships showed you pepper and you wished you didn’t have a heart? Now’s the time to make your own wish come true and make some money at the same time.

2. Lungs

Instead of shouting “Step on my neck” or “Who dey breathe?” upandan, just exchange your lungs for some dough and start living the life of your dreams.

3. Blood

Why let witches suck your blood at night for free when you could be cashing in big from selling it? Think hard and make a move fast.

4. Kidneys

Just sell one of these, and you’re made for life. Think of it as helping someone out there who needs it more than you. Besides, you need the cash.

5. Brain

Who said you need a brain to make it in life? All you need is connections, insha’Allah, and money. The sky will be your starting point.

6. Liver

If drinking like a fish hasn’t killed you, then you have nothing to fear. Just a portion of your liver is enough to help you get by.
7. Eggs

Each ovulation cycle you complete monthly is an opportunity for you to be swimming in money. Don’t dull, sis.

9. Eyes

From the moment you were born till now, your eyes have seen enough things to last a lifetime. And each time, you think you’ve seen it all, life goes on to give you a shocker. Why not sell the eyes off and survive solely on imagination?

10. Sperm

You didn’t come to this life to waste your sperm and die. There’s money to be made, and it’s a win-win situation – each time you have an orgasm, and shoot a load, you get paid. Isn’t life good?

See? Sapa has nothing on you!
Susan Nwaobiala

November 3, 2021

Inside Life

How to make money, Humour, Organs
Some Nigerian civil servants are the embodiment of wickedness. Yes, we understand that Nigeria is hard and there is no joy in the land. But that is not an excuse to display full-blown wickedness. If you are looking for ways to identify a wicked Nigerian civil servant, here are the signs:

1. They have any of these turbans.

Just as we have “Helmet of salvation”, this is the “Turban of wickedness.” Once you see it on their head, start praying for divine favour.

2. They usually like amala.

This is what they eat while they tell you to wait for oga who will end up not being on seat. Sometimes, while you are waiting for oga, they can even send you to go and buy the amala for them: three wraps of black amala, ewedu and gbegiri, with two meat, one ponmo. Ask them if they have shaki. I

3. This is their kind of cooler.

If they don’t have amala in it, then it’s rice and egusi soup. While you are waiting, they will spread it on the table and eat while chatting non-stop with their colleagues.

4. The women own at least one pair of shoe that looks like this.

It’s always the kitten heels. Not something else. The men’s shoes are really ugly, let’s be honest. But that doesn’t even matter. They usually keep dunlop slippers by their table. Once they enter the office, they remove the shoes and put on the slippers. Immediately you see them in slippers, just prepare for wickedness.

5. They like gossip.

Forget whatever they graduated from school with, civil servants have a doctorate degree in gossip. Cho-cho-cho is what they majored in. God help you to point out that they have not answered you since morning, then you will experience the full range of their wickedness.

6. They don’t like staying where they put them.

You think it’s only Oga that is not on seat in a government office? Even the civil servants are not on seat too. The only difference is that the wicked ones will tell you to sit down and will go ahead to gist with other people to the point where they forget you are on seat.

7. They have this suit.

If the glasses is added too, omo just forget it. You are about to experience real wickedness.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 30, 2021

Inside Life

civil servants, civil service, Humour
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? ~~Of course, hold Buhari.~~ And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

Today on Interview With, Titus sardine graces us with its expensive presence.

Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With. We are so pleased to have you here.

Titus Sardine: Thank you.

Zikoko: We—

Titus Sardine: First of all, you can’t have me. I am now close to a thousand Naira.

Zikoko: No, that’s not what I meant. I was saying—

Titus Sardine: I completely understand what you mean, dear. I am not a Nigerian sardine. I was born and raised abroad, so English is not a problem for me.

Zikoko: Yes, yes.

Titus Sardine: Very good. Now, what you should have said was, “Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.” I could have chosen not to appear here at all. I am not hungry for publicity.

Zikoko: Yes, yes. Thank you for gracing us with your expensive presence.

Titus Sardine: You’re welcome. It’s good to see that we are now on the same page.

Zikoko: Now to our questions. You have been—

Titus Sardine: Goodness me, is this an office or an oven? I’m cooking in this heat!

Zikoko: Sorry oh. We will turn on the AC now. We are trying to ration it. Shebi you know fuel is now expensive.

Titus Sardine: Oh dear. So you turn it on and off at intervals?

Zikoko: Yes. Some days sef, we don’t even turn it on at all. We give our staff plastic hand fans to fan themselves.

Titus Sardine: And does that work?

Zikoko: Not always. But when everywhere is hot, the heads of our writers become hot too, and they are able to produce more crackhead content.

Titus Sardine: Um, chile that sounds like the ghetto. Anyway, I am not a Zikoko writer. Could you please turn on your AC? I don’t want to leave here feeling boiled.

Zikoko: It’s now on.

Titus Sardine: Whew. Let’s hope I feel cooler. So, what were you saying?

Zikoko: You have been the subject of discussion these days. Could you tell us why?

Titus Sardine: I believe it has something to do with the recent increase in my retail price.

Zikoko: How much were you retailing for and how much are you now?

Titus Sardine: You’ll have to ask multiple stores for their individual prices, but a few years ago, I was sold for between ₦250 to ₦350.

Zikoko: And now?

Titus Sardine: I sell for ₦750 naira.

Zikoko: Goodness!

Titus Sardine: And mercy.

Zikoko: That’s almost double the previous price.

Titus Sardine: Yes. It means I am now a bad bitch. I am no longer just a tin of sardine, I am money itself. If anyone walks into the market today and picks me off the shelf to eat me, they are not eating sardine, they are eating money.

Zikoko: Or maybe they are into money rituals, because how can someone pay almost one thousand Naira for three pieces of fish tails inside vegetable oil?

Titus Sardine: Those who know my value will pay for it. Listen, I am now considered a luxury item, and it pleases me. Gone are the days when I’d be on a store shelf competing with other cheap sardines for relevance.

Can you guess what is coming next?

Zikoko: What?

Titus Sardine: Very soon, I will become an investment option. People will no longer buy me to eat, rather, they will buy me to get rich. Think of Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies. I too will become Tituscurrency.

Zikoko: Ahan Taye Currency. To the mooooon!

Titus Sardine: I said Tituscurrency, not Taye Currency.

Zikoko: Listen, pride goes before a fall. And the way you are going, you will soon fall.

Titus Sardine: You sound like a Nigerian man who has just been jilted by a bad bitch. Don’t worry, I feel your pain. You want to taste my goodness, but you can’t have it. That must surely hurt.

Zikoko: You and who is hurt? Me, I am just telling you to beg them to reduce your price. Remember, there is frozen Titus fish in the market and it has more uses than you.

Titus Sardine: Well then go for the Titus fish and leave me in peace. Bad Bitches are not for everyone. If Titus fish chooses to give itself to you people at a cheap price, that’s its cup of tea. As for me, there’s no looking back from here. Besides, isn’t one piece of Titus fish now ₦900?

Zikoko: And what’s your point?

Titus Sardine: Oh. If you don’t realise that there is a deeper problem in your country, then it’s not on me. Go fight whoever you need to fight, not me. As for me, I’ll be staying pretty and waiting for those who can afford me to come for me.

[Titus Sardine starts to walks out]

Zikoko: Shior! Go! You are not even that sweet!

Titus Sardine: [Turns back] Surely that can’t be me. I know what I bring to the table. Again, I am a bad bitch. Eat me with bread, put me in spaghetti, or use me for toast and I will still stand out. These other sardines are my sons.

[Titus Sardine flips weave and walks out finally]

READ NEXT: Interview With Boxers and Singlet: “A King Was Born Today”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 29, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, inflation, titus, Titus sardine
Nowadays, Nigerian men are seriously into the ashewo business. But it is really hard to know, because men have mastered the art of doing ashewo and moving on swiftly to handle other businesses. Beyond that, they are also very subtle. But we have clocked their modus operandi.

If you see a Nigerian man doing any of these things, he is definitely an ashewo.

1. If he has any thigh-length shorts.

You see those nasty things called ashawo shorts? Nigerian men have hidden behind it to fulfil their inordinate desire to walk naked. How can you be 25+ and your only desire is to expose your thighs on the streets? Don’t you have a family to plan for? If that man owns more than one ashawo shorts, he is definitely standing by the roadside at night.

2. If he spreads his legs while sitting.

The general idea is to close your legs or keep them to yourself. But once you see a man who spreads his legs in a public transport or any location, he is beckoning on customers. He is indirectly telling them, “Come and buy what is between my legs oh.” Any man you see doing that, remove your slippers and slap him between his legs. Spoil his merchandise.

3. If he wears an earring.

Earring is a universal symbol of male ashawos. They wear it to tell potential customers that they are available. Statistics prove this. It’s in one final year project like that. If he now adds gold neck chain to it, it’s over. That one na ringleader.

4. If he has dreads.

Image used for illustrative purposes.

Do you think men keep dreads because they like the stress? No oh, they keep it so they can flip it every two minutes and customers can locate them. Also, some of them keep dreads so their customers can have something to pull when they are doing the do.

5. If he wears a nose ring.

No words. Na ashawo that man be. Man that was put on this earth to build homes is wearing nose ring? Abeg abeg, na akwuna he be.

6. If he has a tattoo.

If you don’t realise that this is a sign of an ashawo man, sorry for you oh. Why do you think they post it on social media once they get it? They are telling their target audience that they are now available for fun. We are not even joking.

7. If he works in tech.

Tech bros are perpetually horny. Source: Shey I go dey lie give you ni? To satisfy this horniness, they enter the ashawo business so they can make money from their sexual passion. Oh, you think it’s tech money those tech bros are spending? Tah, come off it. It’s ashawo money.

8. If he doesn’t work in tech.

Bank oh, media oh, all of them are ahsawo. So far as he’s working, he’s selling his body on the side. If you are dating any one of them, sorry oh, but your man is a public commodity.

9. If he goes clubbing.

WHAT IS A GOD-FEARING MAN DOING IN A NIGHT CLUB IF NOT TO SHOW OFF HIS BODY AND ATTRACT CUSTOMERS?? Men are detty liars, so it’s not always obvious. But check club toilets and car parks, and you will see them roughing up your man like kitchen foil. If you don’t catch him there, once he returns, ask him to drop his trousers and sniff his penis. Believe us, you will smell things.

10. If he goes to the gym.

Listen, 80% of Nigerian men don’t go to the gym to build muscles. Here’s what they do: they go to customers’ houses where they are used like a rag. Once they are done, they will enter the gym and run for 5 minutes so they can come home looking sweaty. If you don’t know, better know it now. Source: Na one bros for my area tell me.

11. If he wears fitted clothes.

He’s showing chest, thighs, and the shape of his manhood. That one na serious runs boy. If you check well, they are flying him to Dubai to serve penis.

12. If he is Yoruba.

Just forget it. Especially if his name is Femi, Tunde, or Laolu. Those ones are the OG. They will do ashewo and clean up like they are still virgins.

13. If he is not Yoruba.

Again, forget it. Na ashewo him be. He’s probably in an association sef. These men are not to be trusted oh.

14. If he is alive.

What is he doing alive, if not ashawo? Honestly, let him answer us. Any man that is alive is doing nothing but distributing penis up and down. The only man who is not an ashawo is one who is dead. And even dead men cannot be trusted sef, because who are those spirit husbands disturbing people’s daughters in their sleep?

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 28, 2021

Man Dem

ashewo, Humour
Choosing the right names for twins can be a very difficult task, especially if you were expecting just one child. But don’t panic. That’s why we are here for you. Here’s a list of names you can consider giving your twins:

1. Goodness and Mercy

Don’t you want them to follow you all the days of your life?

2. Terms and Condition

This will make it easier for them to get jobs. How? Every where they go, they will certainly see this: “Terms and Condition apply.” Get it?

3. Praise and Worship

Give them a spiritual name, please.

4. Yes and Amen

You can even turn it to prayers. Yes? Amen.

5. Yesterday and Today.

This is for twins that were born on separate days. For example, if one was born by 11:59 the day before and the second was born by 12:10 the day after.

6. Tithe and Offering

In case you get fed up with them and want to return them back to God.

7. Front and Back

This is for parents who want their children to go into tech. One will go into frontend, the other will go into backend.

8. Pause and Play

Use the name to dictate which one will be serious and which one will be playful.

9. Victor and Victoria

Let it not be like we didn’t add the names you know.

10. Paul and Pauline

You know how this goes.

11. Aki and Paw-Paw

Are they really twins if they don’t answer the name of the OG twins? Think about it.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 24, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, names, twins
Yoruba Nollywood is improving and we appreciate them for it, but some things still need extra work. We made a list of them. If watching Yoruba films stress you out, you will probably relate to this list.

If you know anyone who works in the Yoruba film industry, please share this with them. We need to see change.

1. The housewives are always wearing high heels in the house.

This has never made sense to me. How can you wake up in the morning, and you have on a full face-beat coupled with high heels, only to sit down at home to watch TV? Leg no dey pain you? Yoruba Nollywood needs to create a world where their housewives walk around in hair bonnet and slippers, please. That one is more believable.

2. The husbands are always working in the office.

But what exactly are they doing? Nobody has an idea. We just know they wake up, carry briefcase and go to the “office.” And when evening comes, they return home from the office. Most times, the point of the office is for adultery. Which begs the question, do they work in the office of adultery?

3. They are always winning contracts.

“Sweetheart, I won that 100 million naira contract!” Okay, we are happy for you. But contract to do what? To build the 4th Mainland Bridge or what? If you want to get rich in a Yoruba film, just win a contract. Suddenly, you are living in a duplex, your wife has bleached and turned yellow and she is wearing high heels and bridal make-up at 8am in the morning to sit at home all day. You go fear contract.

4. The wives always prepare their husband’s favourite dish.

Favourite dish don suffer. Every time the husband returns from work, his wife comes to welcome him in her high heels and bridal make-up. She first loosens his tie, then tells him she has run his bathwater and prepared his favourite dish. I want to know, is it every time she cooks his favourite dish? Or does he have more than one favourite dish? And what happens on the day she does not cook this favourite dish? And last but not the least, why is this favourite dish white rice and stew???

5. Wearing make-up to bed.

I don’t know what universe Yoruba films exist in, but if you wake up the actresses in the middle of the night, you will find them popping. They can even enter a nightclub with the make-up on their face. They just need to carry handbags and wear a shiny gown and they are good to go.

6. The women don’t work.

I have been complaining about the heels all day, but it is important to note that the women in Yoruba films don’t work. They just set the breakfast table like they are throwing a party and the husband won’t eat because he’s in a hurry. What is sapa? It doesn’t exist in Yoruba Nollywood.

7. Yes, they have women who work.

But those ones are usually portrayed as the bad wives. Ehen nau, how dare you have a job and be a good wife in Yoruba Nollywood? E no dey work that way. That is why the working women in Yoruba Nollywood are the bad ones. I don’t know if their scriptwriters have caught on feminism yet, but I won’t be surprised if there’s a Yoruba film where the wife is a feminist who works and who, because of her feminism and job, is a bad wife. If that movie exists, point me to it.

8. They always call millions and millions.

It’s only in Yoruba films that a child will collect one million naira pocket money for school. Haba. Is it that easy? Sugar Daddy will carry a babe, next thing, he’s dashing her five million naira, for sex that happened under the bed sheet? Sex that the sugar daddy’s singlet is still on? Okay oh. Keep lying. How much is the film’s budget that someone will be collecting five million naira for sex? Yoruba Nollywood, please dears.

15 Pictures That Prove Yoruba Movies Have No Chill At All

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 24, 2021

Pop

Humour, Nollywood, Pop, Yoruba films, yoruba nollywood
Investment in Nigeria requires common sense. If you ask people, they might tell you to invest in Cryptocurrency and all those kinds of things, but listen to us: THE SOURCE OF YOUR WEALTH LIES AROUND YOU. Everyday things are rising in cost. Why not buy and hold them as investment? Don’t worry, we will guide you through it. Here are 9 profitable things you can buy and hold as investment in Nigeria:

1. Maggi cubes.

Maggi was two for N5 in 2012, but now it’s one for N10 now. Who knows, you could wake up next year and hear that one cube of Knorr Chicken now goes for N50 per piece. Better buy the dip now before it rises.

2. Titus sardine.

Sardines are now hotcake, but Titus sardine is the hottest of them all. It recently attained a record high when it rose from N340 to N650 in less than one week. Bitcoin is shaking. You better buy and hodl now, so you can resell when it lands at N1k.

3. Egg.

You can bear me witness when I say eggs once sold for N25 per piece, four pieces for N100. Now, one piece of egg goes for nothing less than N80. Chickens are now laying the new Cryptocurrency. Egg-o-currency to the moon!

4. Gas.

Before we say anything, it is important to let you know that anyone who can afford to refill their gas these days is a ritualist. If they cook for you with that gas, you better not eat it. Maybe they want to collect your destiny and use it to refill gas. But please, investing in gas is one easy way to cash out these days. Do you know how much one kg costs now? You better buy and hodl now. Christmas is coming, you will make your money back. Just stay safe sha. Don’t let your investment kill other people. Their ghost will swear for you.

5. Onions.

Onions will soon start competing with gold. Two small pieces now sell for N100. And these are sizes that used to sell at N20 per piece. Can you see how wide the profit margin is? If you are lucky, you can enter into partnership with a caterer. Year in year out, you will just be cashing out. If we were you, we would even buy stocks for our unborn children with it.

6. Titus fish.

Like Titus sardine, like Titus fish. One piece now goes for N1k plus, and according to the investment analysts on Zikoko’s Wall Street, this is still estimated to rise higher. You better buy ice blocks and convert your bathing drum into a cold storage. Stock up Titus fish and wait. When the boom happens, even Dangote will be begging you to invest in his business. Dangote wey still dey find money.

7. Frozen turkey and chicken.

Frozen turkey is now N2,500, if not more. Frozen chicken is slowly climbing up to N2,000 per kilo. If after all our advice, you still don’t know that you should invest in it now, then we are sorry for you oh. Don’t you want to get rich?

8. Vegetable oil and palm oil.

If anyone is saying tech is the best place to make money, it is a big lie. Tech, when you can invest in vegetable oil and palm oil, and cash out big time??? Do you know how much one gallon of vegetable oil is now? BUY THE DIP NOW OH. BUY IT NOW. A lot of these tech people are surviving on investment returns from vegetable oil and palm oil. They are just using tech to cover face. If tech is as easy as they say, how come you have not made money after one week of UI/UX?

9. Cows.

If you need us to spell out how profitable this is for you, then you don’t know anything. Go and start your investment portfolio now. May the dip be with you. Sha don’t forget us when the returns come in. It’s not only Dangote that is still looking for money. Zikoko sef still dey find money.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 23, 2021

Inside Life

food scarcity, Humour, Investment, Scarcity
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Boxer Shorts and Singlets are very popular birthday gifts for men. This is an interesting phenomenon, especially when you consider that these items are originally underwear.

How do these items feel about being used as cheap birthday gift ideas? How do they deal with this newfound fame? Today on Interview With, Boxer Shorts and Singlet tell us all.

Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With! It’s so good to have you here today.

Singlet: It’s good to see you too. But if I may ask, what are we doing here? Why did you call us into your office?

Boxer Shorts: Maybe a king was born today in their office.

Singlet: I doubt it. These Zikoko people are earning big money. If a king was born today, it’s not our type they will call.

Boxer Shorts: Oh please. Have you forgotten who we are?

Singlet: How can I? I’m just saying that if somebody’s son will be receiving us as a gift today, they would have bought wrapping paper to put us in.

Boxer Shorts: True, sha. Oya tell us, Mr. Zikoko, what are we doing here?

Zikoko: Allow me to first appreciate your presence in our interview room today…

Singlet: Shey you will talk fast abi you will not talk fast?

Boxer Shorts: Today is Friday, and we have many places to be. Many kings were born today, and we are going to be presented to them as gifts. So, if you waste our time, you don’t know which relationship you might scatter.

Zikoko: Oh really?

Singlet: The entire palace will crumble.

Zikoko: But who are these kings you speak of?

Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men. Specifically Nigerian men in relationships with Nigerian women.

Zikoko: Okay… How did they become kings?

Singlet: You didn’t hear it from me, but word on the streets is that Nigerian men are cheap.

Boxer Shorts: Ahan, put it nicely, abeg.

Singlet: Okay, okay. Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are low maintenance.

Boxer Shorts: Haba. That’s harsh. The interviewer is a man too oh.

Singlet: How else do you want me to say it?

Zikoko: Don’t worry. I am trained to not pick offense on this job. Say it anyhow.

Singlet: Okay, I have found the right way to put it.

Boxer Shorts: Give it to us.

Singlet: Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are grandmasters of giving a lot and receiving very little in return.

Zikoko: Does this also apply to the men who can make women orgasm?

Boxer Shorts: They usually remove us before they do that kind of thing, so we really cannot speak to that area.

Zikoko: Alright, alright. Singlet, please continue.

Singlet: So, on their girlfriends birthday, Nigerian men will rent saxophone, send money, order cake and even give birthday sex.

Zikoko: In this same Nigeria that we are in?

Boxer Shorts: I’m telling you!

Singlet: Anyway, when it’s time for the man’s birthday, the girlfriend buys me and Boxer Shorts, puts us in a wrapping paper and sends to her boyfriend with the note, “A king was born today. How can I even begin to celebrate you.”

Zikoko: Wow. That’s bad oh.

Singlet: Same thing we said when we heard it.

Zikoko: But how did you two come to be roped into this kind of shady business?

Boxer Shorts: Shebi we were kuku on our own when they dragged us into it. It started like a joke oh. And then one Valentine’s Day like that, this lady came and picked us up. She added handkerchief, one roll on and a greeting card that she wrote, “What can you give to a man who has everything? Please appreciate this as a token of my love for you”. Next thing, we found ourselves in the boyfriend’s house.

Singlet: We even thought the boyfriend would reject us, but he didn’t.

Boxer Shorts: You should have seen the way this man rushed to tear our nylon and put us on. Later when we heard that he took the girl out to a restaurant for Valentine’s dinner, we wanted to scream.

Zikoko: Scream about what?

Singlet: Why are men so cheap?

Boxer Shorts: The bar is very low. See ehn, this lady did not even pick quality. She chose Tommy Hilfiger boxer and BYC singlet. Aunty, look at 3-in-1 LUX singlets nau. Look at 3-in-1 GUCCI briefs in front of you.

Singlet: And because the man did not complain, when his birthday came, she went and bought him the same thing.

Boxer Shorts: And still had the guts to tweet “A king was born today.” May the king’s palace burn down.

Zikoko: Ahan, why the curse?

Singlet: Please let us curse. We deserve to. Do you want to know why?

Zikoko: Tell me.

Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men deserve all the singlets and boxer shorts they get. Some of them kuku don’t bother washing us.

Zikoko: Um, that’s TMI.

BoxerShorts: Timaya?

Zikoko: No, Too Much Information.

Boxer Shorts: Oh, so Nigerian men do know there is something called Too Much Wearing? You better talk to them. How can a man wear me for three days without washing me? And when he removes me and I think I am finally going to stop inhaling stale pubic hair, you know what he does next?

Zikoko: You tell me.

Boxer Shorts: THIS MAN TURNED ME INSIDE OUT AND WORE ME FOR ANOTHER THREE DAYS.

Zikoko: Ah.

Boxer Shorts: Some of them like to keep the Boxers Shorts on and remove their—

Zikoko: Alright, let’s keep it moving.

Singlet: Don’t move anything, please. I have not spoken.

Zikoko: Even you? What did Nigerian men do to you?

Singlet: I want to clarify that it’s not all Nigerian men oh.

Zikoko: Alright. #NotAllMen.

Singlet: I just want them to let me rest. These men will wear me till I slacken and change colour. And even then, they still won’t let me go. When their girlfriends ask for shoe rags, they offer me to them. A whole me? Ah, I have suffered.

Boxer Shorts: It is why these men are eager to accept singlet and boxer shorts from their girlfriends. They know they don’t wash us properly. “A king was born today” is an opportunity for them to renew their stash.

Singlet: I am actually sick of it.

Zikoko: I hope men do better.

Boxer Shorts: And women too! Let them step up their game and be intentional.

Zikoko: The Intentional Ones Are Not Yet Born.

Singlet: Ayi Kwei Armah was found shaking. Tell Wole Soyinka to hold his afro or we’re coming for it next.

Boxer Shorts: Please come off it oh. Intentional women are everywhere. Was it not you people that published the story of the lady that bought her boyfriend popcorn, zobo and puff-puff for his birthday?

Zikoko: Is it this article: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About The Best Dates They’ve Been On?

Boxer Shorts: Yes, that one. Didn’t the guy say it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him?

Zikoko: I see… So, are you now saying popcorn, zobo and puff-puff is what Nigerian men want?

Singlet: You are a Nigerian man. What do you want?

Zikoko: I want—

Boxer Shorts: Answer that by yourself, abeg. Or you can tell your partner. We have to go now. Another king has been born today.

[Boxer Shorts drags Singlet out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 22, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

a king was born today, birthday gift, birthday gift ideas, Boxer and singlet, boxer shorts, BYC singlet, Humour, Tommy Hilfiger
How can you know if you have a spirit husband or wife? The signs are many, and they can be easily missed if you are not observant. We have taken time to study the manifestation of these spirit partners, and now we have our proof. If you can relate to at least five of the things on this list, then you fall under the category of those who have a spirit husband or wife.

1. You are eager to fall asleep.

People are complaining about finding it difficult to sleep, but once your head touches the pillow like this, it’s sleep. Small breeze must not blow you like this, you are already in dreamland. Can’t you see that this is a sign that there is a spirit husband or wife waiting for you on the other side of life?

2. You wake up aroused.

30 minutes sleep and your John Thomas is harder than a rock. What did you do in the dreamland if it’s not that your spirit husband or wife gave you head in your sleep? Think about it.

3. You eat in your dreams.

Oh you think spirit people are not feeling the pinch of the economy too? But you fall asleep and they are preparing a table before you. If you don’t realise that the food came from the spirit husband or wife you are married to, we don’t know what else to say to you.

4. You have wet dreams.

Your spirit partner was romancing you when you woke up by mistake. Assuming you did not wake up in time, it would have led to coitus. Lucky you, spirit men kuku know where the G-spot is. Imagine waking up to find your legs shaking. Ayayayaya.

5. You have romantic dreams.

You fall asleep, next thing, you are running around a palm tree on the beach and “Angel of my Life” is playing in the background. Who else would be doing that if not your spirit partner? That’s another sign oh.

6. You smile in your sleep.

Who is making you smile? Quick, answer us. Oh, you cannot talk? LMAO. Happy married life. May this spirit marriage do you well.

7. You wake up with aches all over your body.

Perhaps you have starved your spirit partner of sex and they used that opportunity to put you in 70 positions in 30 minutes. There’s no other explanation for that ache. It’s your spirit partner collecting the mekwe you owe them.

8. You wake up feeling refreshed.

If you wake up feeling refreshed, there’s no doubt about it: your spirit partner is good at what they do. Maybe they gave you a massage with happy ending. See how you are glowing. Spirit preek dey sweet oh.

9. You are single in real life.

Let me ask you: if you are dating someone, would you want them to be taken by someone else? Oho. Now look at this: you have a spirit partner in the other world, and you are expecting to find love on this earth, it can’t work out. If you are single, better stop searching and prepare your pillow. Your spirit partner is waiting for you.

10. You assume sexual positions when you sleep.

You are going to bed but you are assuming doggy position. Who are you deceiving? You better print your wedding card and figure out how to transport your friends to the dream world so they can attend your wedding.

11. You are angry when you are woken from sleep.

Think about it: if it’s not that you are angry about being separated from your spiritual partner, why should you squeeze your face in disgust when you are woken up? You better start praying now. We have kuku said our own.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 21, 2021

Inside Life

deliverance, Humour, Inside life, Spirit husband, spirit wife, succubus
These days, the prices of everything keeps going higher and higher. It’s scary how you can afford one thing today and be unable to afford it the next week. It’s almost as if the government wants us to dabble into blood money before we can afford anything at all. We need to go on our knees and beg whoever is in charge to please have mercy on us.

But before we do the actual begging, we have decided to fish out anybody who has done actual money rituals. If you know anyone who does any of the things on this list, please hold their clothes and don’t release them until they introduce you to their herbalist.

1. They still eat sardines.

Do you know how much a tin of sardine costs now? Especially Titus sardine. It has jumped from being around N250 to N600. And that is what someone is still eating in the name of satisfying their cravings. Please hold them tight and beg them to introduce you to their herbalist. If you see anyone adding Geisha to their spaghetti too, please add them to the list.

2. They can still refill their gas cylinder.

There is nothing you can tell me: Anyone who still refills their gas cylinder in these trying times is definitely seeing a herbalist on the regular. Do you know how much 1kg of gas costs now? If you see anyone that is still using gas to cook and not charcoal or firewood, please give us their number. We need them to connect us.

3. They have more than 2k in their piggyvest

More than 2k in this economy? And you believe we don’t have ritualists walking around this life like normal people? We are not ashamed to say it: if you have anything above 2k in your account, you have done blood money. Tell us, who did you sacrifice?

4. They have a dollar account.

You still want to tell me that this category of people have not done money rituals? A dollar account when many of us are still battling to fill up our naira accounts? Ahan nau. Let’s call money ritual what it is, please.

5. They are still eating beans.

A bag of beans reportedly costs up to 100k now. And this is what someone is eating regularly? If you tell me to show you someone who did money rituals without telling me they did money rituals, I will just enter their kitchen and drag out their bag of beans.

6. They are doing crypto.

Believe me, believe me not, crypto traders in this economy have done money rituals. Oh yes, they have. Where did they find the money to invest in cryptocurrency, if not through juju?

7. They are doing NFT.

In this tough economy, someone is minting NFTs and you think the source of their wealth is pure? This government has rendered us all penniless; where is anyone finding money to do NFT? Please call out money rituals when you see it, abeg.

8. They are in a serious relationship.

Being in a serious relationship requires financial commitments. You have to go on dates, buy gifts, do small cash gifts. How can one afford that in this economy where everything is upside down? Staying single is the best financial decision. Anyone who is doing love in this day and time, has plenty money and they need to show us the source.

9. They have money to run gen.

Fuel is too expensive. Anyone who isn’t using candles definitely needs to declare their assets ASAP.

10. They can still afford to eat bread

A loaf of sliced bread is now about N700, if not more. What is worse, the smaller ones have increased in price and reduced in quality. Anyone who can afford to eat bread has definitely collected money soap from their herbalist. Please beg them to cut soap for us.

11. They still cook with palm oil and vegetable oil.

One question: HOW? Please show us the way nau, we are begging.

12. They still eat turkey and chicken.

A kilo of turkey is now around N2,500. How can you eat something that cost as much as human flesh and expect us not to suspect you? Please reveal the source of your wealth.

13. They eat Titus fish.

One Titus fish is now between N700 to N1,000. If you still eat it, there’s nothing to say: you have done blood money.

14. They are still alive.

Yes oh, where are you finding the money to stay alive if not that you have done rituals? Especially in this economy where the price of everything is ready to cut your throat. So, are you ready to introduce us to your herbalist or should we blow the whistle?

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 10, 2021

Inside Life

Cost, Food, Humour, money
Have you ever wondered what to bring to the table in a relationship? Don’t worry, you are not the first, neither will you be the last. So long as there is a relationship to enter, there will always be a table to confront. What you need to do is find out what you should bring to it, so that when someone asks you what you bring to the table, you can boldly beat your chest.

Here are a few items we suggest you should bring to the table in your next relationship:

1. Chair.

You must not assume that the other party will have a chair. And if they have a chair, it’s no problem. You can’t have too many chairs. Who knows, you might decide to open the relationship in future. Where will the new entrants sit?

2. Plate.

Anytime there is a table, the next logical thing is that food will be served. So, if one party provides table and you bring plates, you have successfully complemented them. Besides, does the Bible not say “He has prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemies?” You better balance with your plate and eat whatever food is being served. Just pray it is not breakfast sha.

3. A loaf of bread.

Imagine bringing this to the table in this economy where a loaf of bread is now N700. Omo, the way you will be valued in that relationship ehn.

4. Tablecloth

In case one of you moves mad and you have to spill blood. A tablecloth will prevent the table from becoming dirty. Anyone that brings a tablecloth means serious business. Especially if it’s Ankara. That one hides blood stains well. By the way, if you are into table knacks, the tablecloth will cushion the table for you. One tablecloth, multiple purposes. Who says you don’t care about the relationship?

5. Cane.

You’ll need this. Especially if you are dating someone from Lagos. You’ll need it to keep the evil spirit in them at bay. You can also add broom to the pile. You never know what kind of evil spirit you’ll be dealing with.

6. Book and biro.

This is 2021. You need to plan out how the relationship is going to work. You can’t just enter a relationship on vibes. So, carry a book and biro to the table. You get extra credits if its a higher education notebook. It shows you are person who values proper planning.

7. Deodorant.

In case you have the misfortune of dating someone who likes to wear Dior but does not know what a “Dior-dorant” is. It might looks like we are joking, but these things happen.

8. Nail and Hammer.

In case the table breaks, you can fix it. Who won’t appreciate Bob or Bolanle the builder?

9. And if you don’t have any of these things, bring the table itself.

Just bring the table. Let the other person arrange the rest please. You have brought the table, that one is enough hard work.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 9, 2021

Ships

bring to the table, Humour, Relationship, table
Manifesting a good Monday is not as hard as you’d think. As a Nigerian, you already know to expect the worst, it’s time to channel that bad energy into good manifestation and we have a few tips.

1. Do not fight your neighbour

Your day could start so much better if you don’t spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena.

2. Have breakfast

A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you’d be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria

3. Enter a bike

Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood.

4. Do something that sparks joy

Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your cart for a month.

5. Make a fire playlist

Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.

6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.

7. Don’t look at your account balance

After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.

8. Don’t go out

Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

October 4, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, Inside life, manifestation, Zikoko Guide
This Nigeria is hard. When you don’t have a destiny helper, it can even be harder. But why should it be difficult when you have us here to give you advice? This post is split into three categories. Side A will take longer than 7 days. Side B, maybe not as long. You see Side C? E dey work pass anything.

SIDE A: Labour Over Favour.

1. Be overly polite to everybody.

In fact, allow yourself to collect insult but don’t insult them back oh. What if you mistakenly insult your destiny helper? So, swallow the insults with a polite smile. One day, somebody will walk to you and say, “You are so polite. That’s why I’ve decided to help your destiny.” Just like that, you’ve gone from grass to grace.

2. Work for free.

After like 6 months of backbreaking labour, the alarm of your destiny helper will ring and they will find you, a hardworking human being, ready to be elevated into greatness. Don’t falter.

SIDE B: Favour over Labour.

1. Gather all the names of the rich people you know.

Your boss oh, Dangote oh, that rich man in the area oh, gather all of them. Think of it as choosing a suitor from the many available prospects. When you have gathered the names, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Your prayer point? “Lord, don’t let these people know peace until they locate me and help my destiny.”

If they don’t declare you wanted in 3 days, my name is not Kunle.

SIDE C: The Violent Taketh It By Force.

1. Pick a target.

I suggest Dangote. If he has money for Snoopalicious, then he should have money to finance your destiny.

2. Announce it openly on social media.

Here’s a suggestion: DEAR DANGOTE, I [insert your name] HAVE PICKED YOU TO BE MY DESTINY HELPER. I GIVE YOU 7 DAYS TO LOCATE ME AND BEGIN YOUR DIVINE ASSIGNMENT ON MY DESTINY. YOU CAN REACH ME ON [insert phone number]. I EXPECT YOUR CALL.

3. Run sponsored ads.

Put it in a newspaper, on blogs and websites. Closed mouths don’t get fed and you need Dangote (or whoever you chose) to find you and begin work immediately.

4. While you wait, quit your job.

Your destiny helper must not find you working. Work-wise, be in a state of tabula rasa. That way they can use money and connection to rewrite your detiny.

5. If, after 7 days, you don’t hear back, threaten him.

Again, same message but now angry: DANGOTE, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. CONTACT ME NOW OR THIS NIGERIA WILL NOT CONTAIN THE TWO OF US.

6. If you still do not hear back, pack your load and move into his house.

If Dangote will not go and meet the mountain, then the mountain will go to Dangote. That place is your promised land. Claim it!

7. They’ll probably bundle you out and lock you up.

But rejoice. Joseph was in prison when he met his destiny helper. Why will your own case be different?

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 3, 2021

Inside Life

destiny helper, Humour, Nigeria
If you’ve ever applied for a job or had a job interview, we’re sure you’ve had to answer “why do you want to work for us?” or some variation.

Here are some ways to answer it when next you have to:

1. “Because you’re hiring”

Just tell them that it’s because they’re hiring and that they shouldn’t stress you. Instead of them to be happy that somebody wants to work for them, they’re busy asking JAMB question.

2. “I need money”

Everybody needs money, and you’re no exception. Why else would you be there?

3. “To shame my enemies”

After your step mother and Iya Asake swore for you that you will not get a job till you turn 50, you want to shame them. They should help you prove to them that your God is bigger than them.

4. “To prove my Primary 4 teacher wrong”

Tell them you want to prove your Primary 4 teacher wrong for saying you won’t make it in life. That you want to work for them so you can have money to buy a car and splash rain water on that lying teacher.

5. “I want to help you”

Tell them it’s because you’re trying to help their life. They’re looking for employee, you’re looking for employer. They should help you help them.

6. “Why shouldn’t I want to work for you?”

This is honestly the best response. Fire them back with “why shouldn’t I?” Ask them if they’re hiding something and what they’re hiding. Abi they think it’s only them that can ask question.

Tuntamilore

October 1, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Job hunting
An interesting thing about salons is the different kinds of people you’ll find there. Nigerians on a normal day are already strange, but it’s almost like being in a salon unleashes a whole other level of weird behaviour in us. Here are 10 types of people you’ll find in a salon.

1. The one that is always asleep

If you can fall asleep while getting your hair braided, you are either a demon or have a hair-pulling fetish. God, in his creation, never intended for anyone’s hair to be pulled the way Nigerian hairstylists pull them. How can a normal person sleep through that? Omo.

2. The complainer

This person always has something to bitch about while their hair is being made. “It’s too tight.” “The braids are not the same size.” “You are too slow.” We can’t blame people that complain sha. When hairdressers have broken your heart many times, you’ll learn how to complain to get what you want.

3. The one that is always eating

From the moment they enter the salon till they leave, these types of people always have something to munch on. Hairstylists that are smart sell drinks and snacks because of people like these

4. The impatient one

These types of people make it clear from the start that they have no intention of spending their entire day at the salon. They don’t always go about it in the best way, but when you consider that Nigerians have a solid zero in time management, their actions are valid.

5. The gist lover

These people are hair stylists’ best customers. They come often enough to know the regulars so when the hairstylist is gossiping about them, they are interested enough to listen. They treat making their hair like therapy, spilling all the tea about their life.

6. The happy helper

Like the impatient person, the happy helper wants to be done as soon as possible. They just go about it differently. They come to the salon with their hair prewashed, help the hairstylist cut attachment, help braid the tips of their hair. Anything to be done as soon as possible.

7. The latecomer

This person goes to the salon once every two months because they are not about that stressful life. Whenever they have the energy to go, they make sure to get there late. We don’t even blame hairstylists for fucking up. If you were making someone’s hair from 6 pm to 10 pm, you’d do rubbish too. Maybe try going on time for once?

8. The Instagram copy cats

Nigerian hair stylists hate people like these because they always want the stylists to recreate expensive styles found online but with small budgets. No, your hairstylist is not bad at their job. You brought subpar products for an expensive hairstyle, dear.

9. The one on their phone the entire time

Unlike the happy helper, this person has no intention of helping the stylist reduce their work. They don’t even try to make conversation. They just stay on their phones for hours. They always carry a power bank with them too because boredom is not their portion.

10. The quiet one

When these types of people go to the salon, they don’t complain. Instead, they let the hairstylist make a style that isn’t the least bit close to what they showed them. Everyone in their life is tired of watching them cry after every new hair appointment. Try to speak up, please. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

September 30, 2021

Inside Life

Hair salon, Humour, Inside life, Nigerian hair salon

IMO

IMHO

IPNTS

Drag

Let him cook

Ratio

YKTV

IFYP

IKDR

Sus

BFR

LMK

FFS

FGS

TL;DR

Breakfast

Scrimm

GOAT

YKB/YDKB

JSYK

Bet

Aza

That’s a choice or Choices

LFG

ISWIS

The day Jollof rice was invented

Days that start with “T”

Nigeria’s birthday

The day India played Nigeria 99-1

Everyday

President’s birthday

Public holidays in other African countries

Slippers

Sneakers

Heels

RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Relationship Red Flags Do You Have?

Slides

Loafers

Boots

RELATED: QUIZ: How Red Is Your Flag?

Crocs

Sandals

Barefoot

RELATED: 9 Green Flags to Look Out For in a Partner

1. Tell them you know Dangote one-on-one

2. Choose violence once in a while

3. Stay far away from drama

4. Show them your birth certificate

5. Make it in life

6. Make sure people know you only shop outside the country…

1. Tweet more memes

2. Save more urgent 2ks

3. Not making any new year’s resolutions…

4. Survive “Malaria” and it’s siblings

5. Delete all your dating apps

6. Own things with your chest

7. Have one of your tweets go viral

8. Be someone’s new year’s resolution

9. Find a bag of money by the roadside

1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

1. Lizard.

2. Snake.

3. Cockroaches.

4. Stolen goat.

5. Your neighbour’s cat.

6. Your pet dog.

7. Your ex.

Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

1. Eat out

2. Burn the Christmas food

3. Pay others a visit

**Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.**