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Humour | Zikoko!
  • You Can’t Survive Nigerian Twitter If You Don’t Know These 25 Slangs 

    You Can’t Survive Nigerian Twitter If You Don’t Know These 25 Slangs 

    If there’s one thing Twitter NG is good for, it’s coming up with the most random slangs every day and expecting everyone to catch up.

    After a Twitter user posted this about Faze:

    And another responded in defence of Faze’s state of origin:

    I decided to create a Zikoko dictionary of 25 abbreviations, slangs and phrases you need to master if you hope to avoid embarrassment on Twitter NG. Get your pen and papers out, and may the odds ever be in your favour. 

    IMO 

    “In My Opinion” — Used when no one actually asked for your opinion.

    IMHO 

    “In My Humble Opinion” — Used when you want to offer thoughts no one asked for, but with a sprinkle of respect.

    IPNTS 

    “I Prefer Not To Speak” — Used when you know your opinion will land you in hot trouble. Or when you actually want people to beg you for said  opinion. 

    Drag

    This verb refers to when the internet is attacking someone for their questionable opinions or choices.

    Let him cook 

    Used when you’re in full support of the TL dragging someone. 

    Ratio 

    Used when the negative/mocking responses to a tweet get more engagement than the tweet that started the discussion in the first place. Example: “They just ratioed your friend on the TL after he said he mixed plantain with ice cream.” 

    YKTV

    “You Know The Vibes” — Used when you and someone are on the same page. 

    IFYP

    “I Feel Your Pain” — For when you understand what someone is going through. 

    IKDR

    “I Know Das Right” — Used when you support someone’s opinion or choices. 

    Sus 

    Simply means you find someone or something suspicious. Example: Don’t you think it’s a bit sus that INEC said more people came out to vote during the gubernatorial elections than the presidential polls? 

    RECOMMENDED: Your Twitter TL Isn’t Complete if You Don’t Have These People on It

    BFR 

    “Be Fucking Real” or “Be For Real” — Used when reacting to something that sounds unbelievable and you need the source to stop messing around. 

    LMK

    “Let Me Know“ — For when you need someone to let you know. Duh. 

    FFS

    “For Fuck Sake“ — Used when you’re shocked or disappointed. 

    FGS

    “For God Sake“ — Used when you want to say FFS in a way that pleases God. 

    TL;DR

    “Too Long; Didn’t Read“ — Used when you really don’t give two shits about reading the long epistle someone typed. 

    Breakfast 

    “Heartbreak“ — Used when someone as hot as Stefflon Don breaks your heart. Please, do not confuse this with real breakfast like yam and egg, or moi-moi and pap. 

    Scrimm

    Used when you’re screaming on the inside but maintaining a straight face on the outside. 

    GOAT 

    “Greatest of All Time“ — Used when someone has achieved a major feat or is the best at what they do. Not to be confused with the source of asun. 

    YKB/YDKB 

    “You Know Ball“/“You Don’t Know Ball“ — This is YKTV but for people who watch football. 

    JSYK 

    “Just So You Know“ — Used when you expect someone to know something, but you’ve decided to share it with them because they’re not up to date.

    Bet 

    “I get you” or “I got you” — Used when you understand what someone is saying, and you know the next course of action. Example: Chiby asked if I’d be interested in working on a physical 30BG hangout for Davido’s Timeless, and I was like, “Alright, bet,” 

    Aza

    “Account” — Used when you want to either send money to someone or beg someone to send to you. 

    That’s a choice or Choices

    Used when someone has made a bad choice, and it’s obvious to everyone else but them. Example: So this is the outfit you decided to wear to your first premiere? Hmmm. Choices.

    LFG 

    “Let’s Fucking Go“ — Used when you’re excited about something, and you’re trying to get everyone around you on the same level of excitement. 

    ISWIS

    Sis, there’s a whole podcast that uses this slang. How can you not know what it means? 

    Anyways, it’s “I Said What I Said“ — Used when you mean what you say with your full chest. 

    ALSO READ: Zikoko’s 7 Rules For Engaging With Your Twitter Crush

  • Notable Days We Think Should Become Public Holidays in Nigeria

    Notable Days We Think Should Become Public Holidays in Nigeria

    According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, we have an average of 15 public holidays in a year. However, we’re not satisfied with that number that’s clearly too small. Here are some suggestions we have for notable days that can become public holidays. 

    The day Jollof rice  was invented 

    Jollof rice is a very integral part of our culture and tradition as Nigerians. It’s important we dedicate a day to simply enjoying and appreciating the greatness that is Nigerian Jollof. 

    Days that start with “T” 

    T sounds like tea. Tea means gossip. Every day that starts with T should be declared the National Day for Information Spread. People might call it amebo, but that’s their business. We need to stay informed as a people. 

    RELATED: Ethical Gossip Is Possible: Here’s How to Gossip in Good Conscience 

    Nigeria’s birthday

    Independence days shouldn’t be the only thing celebrated. The day Nigeria was created should also be a public holiday. For so long Nigeria hasn’t had a birthday party. We think that should change.  

    The day India played Nigeria 99-1 

    Everyone has heard the legend of how India scored 99 goals against Nigeria in the World Cup, and the Nigerian team did all they could to score the all-important one goal. The story embodies Nigerians tenacity and positive mentality in the face of adversity, and we think it should be further immortalised by public holiday. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Do You Remember Nigerian Myths From Your Childhood?

    Everyday 

    As a Nigerian, you’ve suffered enough. Everyday should be a public holiday. No need for excuses. Let’s just rest. 

    President’s birthday 

    Depending on how well or how terribly they’ve done, we could either spend the public holiday throwing them a parade or throwing tomatoes at them. Either way, we’d be bonding as a country. 

    Public holidays in other African countries 

    How else will we boost African unity if we don’t celebrate one  another’s public holidays? 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Do You Know African Countries and Their Presidents?

  • Your Fave Footwear as Your Relationship Red Flags

    Your Fave Footwear as Your Relationship Red Flags

    Yes, everyone has a relationship red flag, but do you know you can tie yours to your favourite kind of shoes? You didn’t? Well, now, you know. 

    Slippers

    You’re ready to run away from any minor problem. People who wear slippers are the epitome of “I didn’t come to this world to kill myself”. They’d dust their slippers and run if you stress them too much. It’s a red flag because sometimes, a straightforward conversation would solve what you’re running away from. 

    Sneakers

    You think dating is too expensive because you spend all your money on shoes. Spending ₦20k on a date is too much, but you see that ₦75k shoe? Fair price. 

    Heels 

    A little cheating here and there, but that’s all there is. The problem is you like how your shoes sound as you’re moving from one partner to the other. The koin koin sound gets to your head a lot. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Relationship Red Flags Do You Have? 

    Slides 

    People who wear slides are the same as slippers wearers, but they’ll be annoyed if you call their slides slippers. If slides are your favourite type of shoes, you’re prone to gaslighting your partner. 

    Loafers 

    You’re the complete opposite of the sneakers people. You think money solves all the problems. A little toxicity here and there, but it can all be solved with dollars. You’re wrong sha because people just want communication, but that’s not your business. 

    Boots 

    Emotionally unavailable is your middle name, and it’s because the boots are stopping blood flow to your heart. Remove them, let your feet touch grass and allow yourself to feel love. Abi, ki lo feel? 

    RELATED: QUIZ: How Red Is Your Flag? 

    Crocs

    You don’t take anything seriously. Everything about your relationship is a big joke to you, and your partners are not happy about that. Relationships are work, but that’s not your vibe. 

    Sandals

    You put people’s needs above your own and get hurt. Just because you’re wearing Jesus’ sandals doesn’t mean you have to act like him. Your “selflessness” is why you can’t hear certain songs without breaking down in Ebeano. 

    Barefoot

    If you hate any form of footwear so much you’d rather go barefoot, then you don’t just have a red flag, you have a red blanket. You write a script for how relationships should go without factoring in what the person you’re dating is like. Your way or nobody else’s  and it’s giving very much delusional. 

    RELATED: 9 Green Flags to Look Out For in a Partner

  • 6 Ways to Get People to Put Some Respect on Your Name

    6 Ways to Get People to Put Some Respect on Your Name

    Do you want people to regard you with awe and put some “respeck” on your name? If you live in Nigeria, the following will be very useful in achieving your aim.

    1. Tell them you know Dangote one-on-one

    Whether you’ve even seen the back of his head before or not, it doesn’t matter. The koko is how well you’re able to defend your claims.

    2. Choose violence once in a while

    Have been choosing the “nice” path? Ah. If you want to earn yourself some respect, change it for people and choose violence every once in a while.

    3. Stay far away from drama

    That includes not dragging people that didn’t do anything to you on Twitter, and telling Bisi you have work to do when she comes with office gossip. Tomorrow it’ll be your gist she’ll be spreading.

    4. Show them your birth certificate

    Maybe people don’t respect you because of your small stature. You can fix that by showing them your birth certificate. Let them know you are not their mate, especially disrespectful Gen Zs.

    5. Make it in life

    If you’re not rich-rich enough for people to use your name for clout, forget anything about respect oh. Make it in life first and see how people will rush you with respect.

    6. Make sure people know you only shop outside the country…

    …Even as far as Turkey, and your orders get delivered directly to your doorstep because you use a Shop & Ship service. If it’s easy let them do it.

    Shop and Ship is a global shipping service that delivers your online shopping from anywhere in the world right up to your doorstep. Discover the joy of shopping in the US, China, UK and Turkey amongst other countries with 32 S&S addresses worldwide. Why wait?

    Sign up today. For more information, visit ShopandShip.com.

  • These Nigerian Songs Have the Wildest Stories We’ve Ever Heard

    These Nigerian Songs Have the Wildest Stories We’ve Ever Heard

    Remember when Nigerian songs were dramatic AF? We miss that. From wedding crashers stealing small chops to bukas that put people’s destinies inside groundnut bottles, these songs had storylines that had us going “WTF?”

    1. Iya Basira — Styl Plus

    Can you imagine stopping by a random buka for hot white rice, beans, plantain and assorted meat, only to have your destiny stolen? Imagine that. Iya Basira had a chokehold on Tunde, Shiffy and Zeal to the point that their mothers, girlfriends and best friends all abandoned them. This is why it’s important to remember that there’s rice at home. Despite all this crazy, the wildest thing was they called a policeman and he actually came. In Nigeria? LOL. Even worse, they weren’t able to stop Iya Basira, , meaning that she was left to conquer the world, one stolen destiny at a time.

    2. Omoge Mi — Psquare

    It’s one thing for your girl to cheat on you. But to do that with your best friend? Omo, this one is above us. Honestly, we would like to hear her own side of the story before we cancel her. Who knows, maybe Peter and Paul were exaggerating. #FreeThatBabeAbeg

    3. Kerewa — Zule Zoo

    The fact that our parents allowed us to listen to and sing this song is reason enough for us to sue them for child endangerment. The song’s plot revolves around a young child who witnesses their mum cheating on their dad with another man and proceeds to sing about it in graphic detail. It’s gross AF, but we also love the drama, and the child’s disturbing attention to detail. Don’t get us started on how Zule Zoo invented twerking. If you don’t believe us, argue with your daddy. 

    4. You is the One — Azadus 

    This song must’ve been the soundtrack that accompanied the origin stories of all millennial Yoruba demons. Because why on Beyoncé’s green earth was this guy comparing his girl to all the girls he cheated on her with? In one breath, you are telling her she’s the one and in the next line, you’re comparing her to Ngozi. In the words of Ric Hassani, “thunder fire you” dear.

    5. Live in Yankee — Eedris Abdulkareem

    Obasanjo, Femi Kuti, Lagbaja, Puff Daddy, and Eedris Abdulkareem all in one party in New York? Talk about a plot that was most definitely crack-inspired. After his Nigerian girlfriend calls him to ask why he abandoned her, Eedris Abulkareem gives her a long-ass tale about him japa’ing to America led to him meeting discount Puff Daddy and having the time of his life. The sad part is that this poor girl will probably wait for him. God will hill you, dear. 

    6. If You Ask Me — Omawumi 

    Spilling the tea in casual neighbourhood gossip style, Omawumi talks about a man who molests and impregnates his daughter. While this story is wild AF, it’s also an endemic problem Nigerians tend to talk about in hushed tones, that’s if they even talk about it at all.

    7. This chick singing a Yoruba version of Celine Dion’s If That’s What It Takes

    Do we know what she’s singing about? No. But she’s in a wedding dress belting out vocals to a Celine Dion sample so there’s no way this gist doesn’t have drama. Did we mention that they keep showing flashbacks of some random guy? We need to hear this juicy story ASAP. Who’s willing to be our Mummy G.O translator? 

    8. Crisis — African China 

    It’s hard to listen to this song and not feel a certain way. Yes, the stories are wild AF, but most of them are also true. When African China said, “We dey happy for democracy but some people dey demo dey craze”, I felt it in my soul. 

    9. Mogbomoya — T.W.O

    Hilarious and super chaotic, this song is about those people who attend events they were not invited to. If you’ve ever been to a Nigerian wedding, naming ceremony, birthday, or funeral, then you’ve probably run into one of these event crashers who just show up for the vibes, food and souvenirs. We dare you not to laugh when you listen to the part where she’s asking for food. We see you sis, get those souvenirs!

    10. My Car — Tony Tetuila 

     We need someone to adapt this classic into a comedy because the chaos that happens over the course of just one day still blows our minds. From his debtor dying unexpectedly to his car getting hit by Eedris Abdulkareem and Tinubu, Tony Tetuila had quite the day. Pele, dear.

  • 9 Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions for 2022

    9 Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions for 2022

    “In 2022, I want to…” Ugh. Tired of all the generic new year’s resolutions that never last beyond five business working days?

    Maybe these nine not-so-common resolutions should be on your list instead.

    1. Tweet more memes

    Imagine if memes suddenly go extinct, and people forgot how to find the “funny” in even the most serious of things? Tragic. Keep memes alive, plis and tenks.

    2. Save more urgent 2ks

    It’ll shock you to learn that “insufficient funds” is no respecter of persons. May the rainy day not find you without an umbrella.

    3. Not making any new year’s resolutions…

    …And avoid people who ask you about your new year’s resolutions.Why? Well, January is tomorrow, don’t worry you cannot change.

    4. Survive “Malaria” and it’s siblings

    Every disease manifesting as malaria; Omicron and other COVID variants or whatever they call themselves better stay away from you and yours.

    5. Delete all your dating apps

    It’s not like we’re shading you oh, but since you’ve had those apps, did you find the love of your life? Delete, delete, delete.

    6. Own things with your chest

    You want to wear your clothes inside out? Own that shit with your full chest. Nobody will beat you. Periodddd.

    7. Have one of your tweets go viral

    You’ll know you’ve made it in 2022 if at least one of your tweets goes VIRAL, overnight. Make it happen.

    8. Be someone’s new year’s resolution

    Ehen nau. First off, you are not a potato. So surely, someone somewhere must have you on their wishlist for 2022.

    9. Find a bag of money by the roadside

    Whether Baco bag or Ghana-must-go, bag is bag. The goal is to find money you didn’t work for. It might seem impossible just like other new year’s resolutions, but the Lord is your strength.

    Don’t forget to share this with someone who hates new year’s resolutions.

    Cheers, and have a happy new year!

    [newsletter]

  • Interview With: 10 Must-Read Inanimate Object Interviews of 2021

    Interview With: 10 Must-Read Inanimate Object Interviews of 2021

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


    Can I tell you the truth? If there is one Zikoko flagship you should never miss, it should be Interview With. I’m serious, this series brings you humour, madness, creativity and range like never before. I have interviewed Saxophone, Titus sardine, Small Yansh, Turning Stick, among many others. Why would you miss such a series?

    Because I love you, I compiled a list of top ten inanimate object interviews you must read. You’re welcome.

    1. Interview With Saxophone: “Nigerians Have Seen Me Finish”

    Let’s be honest, we are all tired of Saxophone serenades at this point, yeah? We want someone to hold their birthday without the neighbours being disturbed by pararan sounds. If we as humans are tired, guess how tired the actual saxophone must be.

    That’s why you should read this interview so you can ‘hear’ Saxophone itself rant to us. Read here.

    2. Interview With Lagos Apartments

    Before Nigerians started discovering the slices of house in Lagos and the madness of Lagos agents, Zikoko already gathered up the apartments and spoke to them about the situation of things. In this interview, we spoke to Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba, Dog House In Lekki, Uncompleted Building In Shomolu, Shop In Mushin, and Slice Of House In Lagos Island. All the apartments Lagos agents offer to you when you tell them you want to rent a house.

    Read here.

    3. Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

    There’s Omicron outside. Constable Sapa too is patrolling the streets. But does this concern Detty December? Apparently not. She’s all dressed up and ready to hit the streets.

    Read our interview with her so you can get the full gist of our discussion. Read here.

    4. Interview With Twitter Bird: “Tell Adamu Garba To Rest”

    In case you forgot, let us remind you: this was the year Twitter was banned in Nigeria. This was also the year Adamu Garba tried to force Crowwe on us. And this, too, was the same year Adamu Garba filed a lawsuit against Jack Dorsey of Twitter.

    You know what we did while all of this was going on? We secretly brought the Twitter bird into our office and interviewed it.

    Read here.

    5. Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

    Gather all the naira notes together, and they still wouldn’t be able to buy you a decent live chicken for Christmas. Why then are we running after them? In this interview, the naira notes expose themselves as fake beaches and detty liars who are living a fake life.

    Read here.

    6. Interview With Small Chops: “Puff-Puff Is Not A Part Of Us”

    Quick question: what does not belong in a small chops platter? You don’t have to answer, the members of the small chops association already answered that question in this interview. They all dragged each other, and only one baddie came out on top. Guess which one?

    Read here.

    7. Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf”

    Interview With Mojisola, The Lagos Mojito: “Leaf Is Leaf” | Zikoko!

    Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents (read: Lagos alcoholics) have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito. As the investigative journalists that we are, we brought Lagos Mojito itself into our office for questioning.

    Guess what? It’s now being called Mojisola.

    Read here.

    8. Interview With Turning Stick: “I Am Not A Man Of War”

    Yes, you know the Turning Stick, but do you really know him?

    In this interview, we spoke about his main job and side hustle, as well as the annoying way Nigerian mothers use him against their children. The Turning Stick has really witnessed a lot, and this interview will show you just how much.

    Read here.

    9. Interview With Titus Sardine: “I Am Now A Bad Bitch”

    Before our very eyes, Titus sardine that used to be about ₦350 has jumped to ₦750 and is slowly approaching ₦1,000. What could be the reason for such a drastic increase in price? Of course, hold Buhari. And more importantly, how does Titus sardine feel about being the newest luxury item?

    It was such a honour to have Titus sardine grace us with its expensive presence.

    Read here.

    10. Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

    See Small Yansh dey shake oh!

    Small Yansh ‘shaked’ into our office and we interviewed it. If you’ll read only one interview on this list, let this be the one.

    Read here.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    [donation]

  • 7 Alternative Animals You can Kill this Christmas

    7 Alternative Animals You can Kill this Christmas

    Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?

    We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:

    1. Lizard.

    Lizard | San Diego Zoo Animals & Plants

    They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.

    2. Snake.

    8 Unbelievable Things Nigerians Actually Eat | Zikoko!

    People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.

    3. Cockroaches.

    American cockroach - Wikipedia

    This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.

    4. Stolen goat.

    Is Wizkid Normal? See What Daddy Yo Unveiled As His New Pet (Photo) »  Naijaloaded

    Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.

    5. Your neighbour’s cat.

    750+ Cute Cat Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

    You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.

    6. Your pet dog.

    What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.

    7. Your ex.

    Zikoko on Twitter: "Cross: I love to see women fight for me. The women:  #bbnaija2021… "

    Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.

    Merry Christmas! 💃 🎁

    Original Santa Vs Nigerian Father Christmas. The Differences Are So  Hilarious! — Global Times Nigeria

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  • 6 Easy Ways to Escape House Chores this Christmas Period

    6 Easy Ways to Escape House Chores this Christmas Period

    Do you feel unexcited about Christmas because of the tiring visitors and house chores that come with it? Or are you the last born in your family dreading the heap of plates you’ll have to wash?

    We feel your pain. Which is why we’ve compiled all the easy ways you can escape the clutches of house chores this Christmas period.

    1. Eat out

    This is hands down the easiest solution. Why stress yourself cooking, sweating and serving when you can just outsource it at a restaurant?

    2. Burn the Christmas food

    The less delicious it is, the lesser the chances of visitors asking for extra food will be. Which in turn would mean less plates for you to wash.

    3. Pay others a visit

    Wear your Christmas cloth and pay other family and friends a visit. It’s not your own house people will turn to a restaurant.

    4. Turn your house to a fellowship ground

    Anybody that visits you thinking they’ll come and eat and clean mouth will be in for a shocker. Eat in secret, then launch a series of intensive prayer sessions when they arrive. No one will tell them to take their leave.

    5. Tell everyone you’ve travelled

    And if they see you outside on Christmas Day, just say their eyes must be playing tricks on them.

    6. Reuse one plate for everyone

    For this to work, visitors have to wait for each other to finish eating before you dish food for the next person. If anyone complains, show them the door.

    [newsletter]

  • 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December

    8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December

    The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.

    THE REAL AKI AND PAW PAW COMEDY MOVIE (By Popular Demand) - 2018 Latest  NIGERIAN COMEDY Movies - YouTube

    1. They always want to see you.

    These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

    2. They are professing undying love for you.

    IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

    3. They want to have raw sex.

    fave bros | Zikoko!

    This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

    4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

    This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

    5. They want to party all night.

    This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

    6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

    If Thor Went To LASU | Zikoko!

    This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

    7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

    These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

    8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

    You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

    We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

    Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

    [donation]