house hunting | Zikoko!

Nigerian landlords! There’s a special place in hell for some of them. If they’re not frustrating us with random rent increases and unprovoked shouting, they’re creating ridiculous rules and regulations for tenants

Here are eight random rules you’ll come across apartment hunting. If you don’t see at least one of them, you’re probably searching for a house on the borders of Cotonou.

1. No sleepovers with the opposite sex

God should now bless you that your landlord stays in your building. That’s when you’ll realise the monitoring spirits in your life were never from your village.

2. Working-class only with “good job”

As you know, Nigerian landlords have no joy. You’re not working 15 hours a day and you want to rent a house in Nigeria? Impossible, dear. Before you even meet with the landlord, send your CV. If you’re not leaving the house as early as 6:00 am to submit yourself to capitalism, then you ain’t ready.

RELATED: The Complete Guide To Becoming A Nigerian Landlord

2. No gorgeous, gorgeous girls allowed

Nigerian landlords like humility. You can’t come to their house and be oppressing them with beauty. Noooo. All they know is sufferhead.

3. You must be from their tribe

This one has to be the most annoying. Nigerian landlords are always looking for how to connect with their ancestors. Why? Because that’s the only explanation for why they need only Yoruba or Igbo tenants.

4. Paying for two and a half years

These ones are criminals. After paying for the two and a half years, just watch out for the rainy season. That’s when you’ll find out that the roof is made from cardboard. If the landlord doesn’t now stay in the compound, that should be your red flag.

RELATED: 9 Things You Should Be Warned About Before Renting a House in Ibadan

5. You must attend compound prayers

Apparently, some of you are doing monthly vigils in your compound. I want to believe it was a trick, but Nigeria is not a real place. It’s either the landlord has the key to your door and will drag you outside, or you’re hoping that if you pray together with your neighbours, your landlord will keep your rent the same for the next five years.

RELATED: 10 Things That Prove That Nigeria Is Not a Real Place

6. 10 p.m. curfew

You’d think Nigerian landlords are your parents. Because after collecting your hard-earned money, they’ll now be doing gateman work. Why are you locking your tenants outside the compound at Night fgs?!. I can’t even say they’re jobless because they have enough money to own land. So, what is the reason for this madness?

7. Reserved parking space

Drivinga car in Nigeria is already stressful. Then in your compound, you still can’t find peace. “Don’t park here, don’t park there.” It’s left for them to use chalk and draw boxes for each person’s car. Nonsense.

8. General cleaning

A compound that cleans together, stays together. All that’s left is for tenants to wear uniforms and sing, “The day is bright, it’s bright and fair” Again, Nigerian landlords are not a joke.

RELATED: 10 Primary School Assembly Songs That Were Bangers

ALSO READ: Interview With Lagos Apartments

Ortega

March 17, 2022

Inside Life

house hunting, Nigerian landlords
Before renting a house In Lagos, there are some important questions you must ask if you don’t want to end up moving back with your parents because you got frustrated. We’ve highlighted 10 of them in this article, you are welcome.

1. What time do the neighbours switch off their generator?

Save yourself the stress of living with people that will frustrate you by asking this question. If they don’t switch off their generator by 10, you should run because that means they don’t bring light.

2. How good are the network services in the area?

If you’re working from home, this is an important question to ask before renting a house. You don’t want to become that coworker that never has a good network, trust us.

3. How often do blackouts happen?

Just because there was light the day you went for inspection doesn’t mean that there’s always light. Ask questions just in case Nepa comes to carry the transformer away regularly.

4. How many schools, religious houses and clubs are close by?

It’s very important to find out if you’ll be getting any sleep at all before you move into your new place so you can be prepared.

5. How many saloons are close by?

They have a very bad habit of playing music with loud as fuck speakers to attract customers. Nobody will beat you for wanting to avoid that nightmare.

6. When it rains, do some houses shift positions?

It sounds like a joke until you come home one day and your house has moved to a whole other street or is in the middle of the road. Anything is possible in this country.

7. How many pets are in the building?

This is an important question to ask if you are allergic to certain animals or afraid of them. You don’t want to be afraid to come out of a house you paid good money to live in.

8. How often do robbers attack?

This should be the first question, to be honest. When you’re not doing a giveaway, why would you move into a house that robbers attack often? Then again, you can’t plan around things like these.

9. How many children live in the building?

Ask for an estimated amount no matter what. Living with kids means waking up when their parents wake them up by 5 am to prepare for school because of how noisy they can be, and getting scratches on your car when they are allowed to play outside.

10. Do cab services decline rides when they see the address?

If you must ask any question before renting a house, let it be this one. It’s very painful when cab service drivers decline your ride request because you live in a dead place with bad roads. Don’t set yourself up for heartbreak.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

November 15, 2021

Inside Life

house hunting, Inside life, relatable, Renting In Nigeria
During house-hunting, agents and house owners like making things hard for people. How much of their wahala have you experienced? Take this quiz and tell us:

Check all that apply to you:

You were not allowed to rent a house because of your ethnicity

An elderly landlord/landlady didn’t attend to you because of how you were dressed

An agent has told you “Do you want to teach me how to do my job?”

You have waited at a house for over 3 hours and the agent never showed up

You’ve seen a dead apartment that was overpriced

You have received eviction notice before your rent expired

Your landlord/landlady has suddenly increased the rent for no reason

You were not allowed to rent a house because of your religion

You were not allowed to rent a house because you weren’t married

You have paid rent to a fake agent

A landlord/landlady promised to paint the house after you pay but never did

You have received insult from an agent

You have been told “I have other people that are ready to pay”

You have been told that there is water just to find out it’s a well

You were not allowed to rent a house because of your sexuality

You were told to pay for the repair of water tank that you hadn’t even used yet

You have been told to drop money in advance if you’re serious

You’ve been told that you can’t have visitors of the opposite gender

You have gotten into a fight with an agent

You’ve regretted moving in after staying one night

You got #{score}/#{total}
You still live in your father’s house.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You haven’t fully explored house-hunting yet.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’ve been suffering all in the name of house-hunting.

Miriam Onyemenam

May 9, 2021

Quizzes

Agent, house hunting, Landlady, Landlord
House hunting in Nigeria can be a worse horror movie than Karishika. If you’ve ever tried, you’d wonder whether you’re looking for a place to live or a portal to hell. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than finding a decent place to live. When going house hunting, you have to be armed yourself. Here are four things to take along with you when you’re looking for an apartment.

1. Cane

It is obvious that the head of some agents are not working, which is why they have the audacity to take you to places like this

He won’t take you to any rubbish house if you show up with cane like your SS1 mathematics teacher:

2. Rainboot

If the house you’re checking is on the island, do I even need to tell you to take rainboot with you?

3. Psychologist

When you see the houses, you might want to take a psychologist along with you to check whether the landlord’s head is okay.

4. Blood of Jesus

You need to cover yourself with the blood of jess before entering any of the diabolical houses they take you to, before you enter a haunted house.

QUIZ: How Easy Are You To Live With?

[donation]

Olufemi Fadahunsi

March 10, 2021

Inside Life

apartment, house hunting
House hunting in Nigeria is the absolute worst, and one of the main reasons is estate agents who are willing to lie through their teeth to get you to rent an unlivable space.

Here are 13 of their most notorious lies:

1. “It’s close to the main road.”

Let me hear word, abeg.

2. “I have other people that are ready to pay.”

They should come and pay na.

3. “It will be fixed once you pay.”

The ultimate lie.

4. “This area doesn’t flood.”

Better carry your boat along.

5. “There is plenty water.”

“The borehole is just having issues.”

6. “The light is 24/7.”

Only a clown would believe this one sha.

7. “I can work with your budget.”

If you add 500k to it.

8. “This the best you can get for this price.”

How can the first house you’ve shown me be the best?

9. “They’ll fix the road in a few months.”

You won’t live to see it sha.

10. “It’s just a 10-minute drive.”

10 minutes (if your car can fly).

11. “It’s very spacious.”

“Family of 3 can live here sef.’

12. “This area is very peaceful.”

Except at night and in the morning and afternoon.

13. “You can even move in today.”

When a chunk of the roof is missing?

NerdEfiko

March 12, 2020

Inside Life

estate management, house hunting, Lagos, Nigeria, property agent
Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

But if you think you’ve seen the worst of Lagos, I’m here to tell you that you haven’t if you’ve never gone house hunting in Lagos.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

We’ve got you.
Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

At the end of the day, one must give way for the other.
So brace yourself. House hunting in Lagos doesn’t respect your pocket or feelings. If you’re still in the comfort of your parents’ house, now might be the time to reconsider this your move. If you have strong head, carry on.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

You might think if you are patient and thorough enough, you might find the place of your dreams. You won’t.

You’re only going to end up getting the least horrible of the thousand and one listings you’ll check out.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Find one or two reliable agents, preferably agents who come with a referral from someone you know and pay a one time fee.
Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Pick out the least disgusting looking houses and set up viewings with the agents.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

If this house looks like this on the website…
…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You’d think this would go without saying but these Lagos landlords lie more than the devil himself and they’ll try and deceive you. Maybe they haven’t connected the light or they’ve been meaning to put a borehole or they haven’t painted. Once you pay, daizzit. Two months on and you’ll be there begging the landlord to put toilet in your bathroom.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

They’ll say whatever it takes to get you to pay for that house. If the road is bad, Ambode is coming to fix it next week. No light in the area? They’ve already bought new transformer your agent saw it with his own two eyes.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t let anyone come and wake you up in the middle of the night with eviction notice, after you’ve supposedly paid rent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

They’ll tell you that Lagos state supplies the house with water and its reliable. Don’t be deceived, you’ll only end up buying water from mallams until you leave that house.
Ask about the old tenants.

Nothing beats getting to rent a brand new house in Lagos but the odds are slim. So if you get a house that has been lived in, first thing to do is ask about the tenants who lived in the house before. If there is no prepaid meter, make sure they’ve not left NEPA bill gbese for you to pay.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

September 19, 2018

General

apartments, eko, house hunting, Lagos, living in Lagos, Living in Nigeria, moving out
1. When you first think that living on your own will be the best thing you could do.

…and thus begins your search.
2. When you actually convince yourself that you can find great houses online without going outside.

LMAO! Haha! LOL!
3. But seeing an apartment that actually matches its online description is like discovering oil in Lagos.

Why so much lying?
4. When you start to realize that what you WANT and what you can AFFORD are vastly different things.

HAY GOD!
5. You put so many hours into looking for a place that it soon becomes a full-time job, except for one small difference: You’re not getting paid.

This is nonsense!
6. When you say you want a house in ‘Sabo, Yaba’, so the agents start trying to convince you that Maryland is also in Yaba.

I’m so confused!
7. When you think you’ve found a place, then you realize no buses, kekes or even bikes are in the area.

Really? And you want me to live here?
8. When they show you a self-contained in a certifiable dump, and say it’s 400k and they want two years up front.

Are you mad?
9. When you ask about the light situation and they say ‘normal Nigerian light’. And you just know you will never see light again.

Why am I doing this again?
10. When you find a great house, and it’s way out of your price range.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
11. When you realize that high standards = homeless.

See my life. *sheds standards*
12. When you finally find a perfect place within your range and someone walks in and pays in front of you.

Wait, what just happened?
13. When you seriously start considering moving back in with your parents.

They love me. They will accept me.
14. When you finally lower your standards and move into a place.

And you’re stuck there for at least a year.
15. When you realize that ‘secure environment’ means ‘they probably won’t kill you’.

My mummy…
16. And that you should have asked beforehand if a place has all the things you’ll need to survive, you know, like burglary proof, or a changeover switch.

My God!
17. When you discover that you’ve inherited the water, light, and waste bills of the previous tenant.

Is that how life is?!
18. When one of your friends wants to move out of their parents’ house.

You know nothing.

Odunayo

January 19, 2016

Oldies

House, house hunting, hunting, Nigeria

1. No sleepovers with the opposite sex

2. Working-class only with “good job”

2. No gorgeous, gorgeous girls allowed

3. You must be from their tribe

4. Paying for two and a half years

5. You must attend compound prayers

6. 10 p.m. curfew

7. Reserved parking space

8. General cleaning

1. What time do the neighbours switch off their generator?

2. How good are the network services in the area?

3. How often do blackouts happen?

4. How many schools, religious houses and clubs are close by?

5. How many saloons are close by?

6. When it rains, do some houses shift positions?

7. How many pets are in the building?

8. How often do robbers attack?

9. How many children live in the building?

10. Do cab services decline rides when they see the address?

Questions

This is a question

Check all that apply to you:

You got #{score}/#{total}

You got #{score}/#{total}

You got #{score}/#{total}

1. Cane

2. Rainboot

3. Psychologist

4. Blood of Jesus

1. “It’s close to the main road.”

2. “I have other people that are ready to pay.”

3. “It will be fixed once you pay.”

4. “This area doesn’t flood.”

5. “There is plenty water.”

6. “The light is 24/7.”

7. “I can work with your budget.”

8. “This the best you can get for this price.”

9. “They’ll fix the road in a few months.”

10. “It’s just a 10-minute drive.”

11. “It’s very spacious.”

12. “This area is very peaceful.”

13. “You can even move in today.”

Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

Ask about the old tenants.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

1. When you first think that living on your own will be the best thing you could do.

2. When you actually convince yourself that you can find great houses online without going outside.

3. But seeing an apartment that actually matches its online description is like discovering oil in Lagos.

4. When you start to realize that what you WANT and what you can AFFORD are vastly different things.

5. You put so many hours into looking for a place that it soon becomes a full-time job, except for one small difference: You’re not getting paid.

6. When you say you want a house in ‘Sabo, Yaba’, so the agents start trying to convince you that Maryland is also in Yaba.

7. When you think you’ve found a place, then you realize no buses, kekes or even bikes are in the area.

8. When they show you a self-contained in a certifiable dump, and say it’s 400k and they want two years up front.

9. When you ask about the light situation and they say ‘normal Nigerian light’. And you just know you will never see light again.

10. When you find a great house, and it’s way out of your price range.

11. When you realize that high standards = homeless.

12. When you finally find a perfect place within your range and someone walks in and pays in front of you.

13. When you seriously start considering moving back in with your parents.

14. When you finally lower your standards and move into a place.

15. When you realize that ‘secure environment’ means ‘they probably won’t kill you’.

16. And that you should have asked beforehand if a place has all the things you’ll need to survive, you know, like burglary proof, or a changeover switch.

17. When you discover that you’ve inherited the water, light, and waste bills of the previous tenant.

18. When one of your friends wants to move out of their parents’ house.