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  • A Week in the Life of a Hostel Caretaker Enduring Occasional Tenant Madness

    “A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week. 

    The subject of today’s “A Week in the Life” is the caretaker of a hostel close to a university that houses 45 self-con rooms. He talks about the chaos of his job, managing difficult tenants and his dream to japa one day.

    A week in the life of hostel caretaker

    I usually wake up around 6:30 to 7 a.m., but sometimes it can be earlier. My family and I live in one of the rooms in the same building where I work, and I work seven days a week, so I can’t separate work from life. 

    Tenants usually wake me up for one thing or the other. Sometimes it could be that water finished overnight and a tenant is calling me first thing in the morning because they have to bathe and go to work. So I have to get up, put on the gen and pump water. Or maybe someone’s shower got blocked and I need to call a plumber as soon as possible. There are 45 self-contain rooms in this building, so problem no dey finish. But thank God this morning is problem-free so I can sleep till 8 a.m. 

    My daughter is at her grandma’s for the holiday, but immediately I rise from the bed, my secondborn — who is just a few months old — starts crying. My wife gets up and carries the baby. 

    As the hostel manager, my responsibility is to make sure the compound is neat and well-maintained. Since every tenant pays an annual service charge upfront, I also have to make sure they’re comfortable. If there’s a socket that suddenly stopped working, I call an electrician. If someone’s having trouble with their lightbulb or kitchen sink, na me dem dey call.

    I spend my days in the compound doing almost the same things 24/7, and it can get boring, but how man go do? Today, I’m happy sha. A former tenant came in the afternoon and we chatted for hours until nightfall. It’s been a long time since I last saw him, so the gist was plenty.

    TUESDAY

    My job is easy these days, but it wasn’t always like this. When I got employed in this building last year, I saw pepper. In late 2020, I got hired to care for this building. It was a new building that was taking tenants for the first time, and management made a lot of — I don’t even know if I should call them mistakes or just negligence. 

    The problem is that first of all, they built this hostel as if they were building it abroad: three columns of apartments facing each other, but they now sealed the small corridors in between with a plastic roof. And they didn’t stop there. They wanted to make the building shine-shine, so instead of leaving space for small breeze to be flowing in front of the building, they went and covered everywhere with glass blocks which ran from the ceiling to the ground floor, covering every inch of space. Without any air conditioning system.

    While the hostel building looked fancy from the outside, the way they built it wasn’t practical. The self-con rooms are small and have only one window each. But the builders put solar panels and inverter in the building, and that’s what they used to market the rooms. All 45 rooms were taken in two weeks. But small time, problem started coming.

    When tenants paid their one-year leases and service charges in December 2020, the harmattan hid the ventilation problem in the building. Also, it was dry season so there was sufficient sunlight to power the solar inverters. Everybody had fun. 

    Until the heat came in February. NEPA stopped bringing light and the inverters started running down frequently. Hot air was trapped within the building with nowhere to go. Tenants complained, but building management didn’t say anything. After some time, the tenants transferred their vex on me. I tried to explain to them that none of this was my fault, but since I was the only representative of the building management on-site, na me collect all the complaining and insult. It was the most difficult time of my life because I lived in the same building as the tenants and was suffering the same problems. I asked the manager to buy a backup generator for but she ignored me.

    Then one day, after NEPA refused to bring light for two days, the inverter went off in the middle of the night, around 2 a.m. Water also finished because there was no light to pump. Nobody could sleep. Almost all the tenants came downstairs to protest. They hurled insults at me and emptied the waste bins at my doorstep. There was nothing I could do except hope and pray that morning would come quickly. 

    When day finally broke, I called the manager and showed her what was going on in the compound. I was ready to quit at that point. Luckily, she sent money for a backup generator. I don’t know why Nigerian business owners like to wait until everything is falling apart before they act.

    In March, the heat became unbearable. The owner of the building sacked the manager and hired somebody more proactive. The new manager finally brought masons to break the huge blocks of decorative glass and installed windows in their place. Finally, we could breathe fresh air again.

    WEDNESDAY

    Human beings can be funny, but I understand that we can’t all be the same. That’s why I do my best to be patient with people. Before tenants move into the building, they sign an agreement form that contains rules and regulations. But me I don’t know if they don’t read it well. After moving in, you’ll start seeing tenants doing anyhow. and if I didn’t have patience, I’d be fighting everyone every day. 

    Like this guy that lives on the top floor. There’s a shed outside the gate with two drums dedicated to waste disposal. But this boy came downstairs and scattered his trash all over the place. I asked him why he behaved like that, and he just told me, “No vex,” and ran back upstairs. I’m not even going to let anything steal my peace of mind today. I’ll calm down and clean up the place. 

    By the time I go back into the compound, I realise I’m not even angry again.

    THURSDAY

    Even with the occasional madness, I enjoy this work. E no dey stress me at all. But I wish it paid better. I’m raising a family of four, and I’m the breadwinner. I have two daughters: a toddler and a newborn baby and I don’t know how we’re even roughing it. It can only be God.

    I usually tell my younger friends to think of settling down, but this thing is hard. The friend that visited me on Tuesday, who has more money than me, said he’s not thinking about getting married until he gets to around 35 because he wants to make money first. And I can’t even blame him because this country is somehow.

    Before this caretaker work, I was a porter at a hotel. The salary was chicken change, but I used to get so many tips that I could go months without touching my salary. And my previous oga was so impressed with my work that when my current madam wanted to start renting this building out, he recommended me to be the caretaker. 

    I no longer get any tips, but at least I’m not worrying about rent. I also have more time to spend with my family, so nothing spoil.

    My current madam lives in the US, and she normally says she likes the way I’m taking care of her building. And sometimes, like today, I wonder if she’ll just invite me and my family to japa to the abroad since she’s so impressed. But my wife thinks I’m a joker. Anyway, I’ll keep doing my best and hoping for the best. One day, I’ll see better opportunity that will change my life.

    Hi, I’m Ama Udofa and I write the A Week in the Life series every Tuesday at 9 a.m. If you’d like to be featured on the series, or you know anyone interesting who fits the profile, fill out this form.

    Yes, I want to be featured!

    Ama Udofa

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  • All The Different Types Of Roommates in A School Hostel

    When you got admission into university, you were excited about a whole new life. You were ready to revel in a new kind of freedom, away from your parents and the annoying curfews and rules they set to curtail your movements. You thought about a lot of things: what to do, when to do it, how to have the most kind of fun in your new life without anyone overshadowing your movements or moments.

    You thought about your prospective roommate(s) too, but you didn’t give them much thought. How bad could it be? Who could be as horrible as the sibling you shared your room with? If only you had known that there was horrible and there was horrible. Once the life started, you started to amass stories because of these people, these roommates and their varying behaviours:

    The Annoying Cleaner

    You always thought you were clean enough. Growing up, you always heard that cleanliness was next to Godliness. You had that shit on lock – or so you thought until you met your roommate, and started to wonder if they were overdoing it, or you were only not as clean as you thought. At first, you couldn’t care less, so you watched in amusement when they complained about a sock on the floor, or plates you hadn’t washed in days.

    Then, it got real. You started to lose your stuff. At first, you thought you were tripping and blamed it on your forgetfulness. But it was happening way too much. You couldn’t be that forgetful. You did a little digging and found out your roommate had been moving your stuff because they thought they were what? Trash!!!

    “How dare you call my #500 recharge card trash because it was on the floor? Stay in your lane, puhlease!”

    You learned your lesson, though. Anything you needed was kept out of plain sight. Life could be easier, but you had to adapt.

    The Irritating Slob

    You probably thought your “please-this-place-could-be-cleaner-roommate” was the worst kind of person you would have to deal with. Heh! It was only a matter of time before you realised how wrong you were. You changed rooms and was prepared to settle into a new life. Your new roommate wasn’t overbearing as the last one. They didn’t trouble you over the littlest things. Ha, life was getting better.

    Then you started to notice a strange pattern; how the room would not be swept for days at a time if you didn’t do it. How making the bed in the morning was not a concept your new roommate was comfortable with. How your new roommate was not a fan of washing the dishes they used until weeks or months had passed. How their shoes were strewn around in the room, and their clothes were in a heap in a corner waiting to be attended to. And the worst of all, how they were so comfortable in the mess they lived in – thriving even.

    You realised what a fast life this was, because now, you were the irritable, overbearing one who needed to take things easier.

    The Turn-up Freak

    At this point, you thought about living alone, but it wasn’t up to you. Your account balance said no, so you forged on, ready for whatever came next. Again, you thought the worst had passed.

    You met your new roommate, and they seemed okay. You even had a honeymoon phase when everything was perfect. The new roommate was outgoing but it didn’t bother you. Soon, it became your problem. They started keeping late-nights or early-mornings, disrupting whatever you thought was fun during these moments e.g sleep. They had lost their key too, so you had to be the designated, irritated, and unpaid doorkeeper. Again, you stayed because you didn’t have a choice. That too shall pass you said to yourself.

    The Roommate Without A Leash

    At this point, you had given up. You were ready to face anything. You switched roommates again, and in came the new one. You knew something was off immediately you saw them. Their “over-friendliness” signaled an ominous feeling. You would find out soon enough. It started from borrowing little things you didn’t care about like your pen or something.

    Then, your clothes, shoes, and every other thing you cared about stopped being yours. All your talk about respecting boundaries fell into the void.
    You weren’t your own person, anymore. They owned you.

    Your Twin Personality

    Now, your spirit had been broken. You were going to have another roommate. You knew what to expect now; something about them would make your life miserable. Well, if that was it, it was it. You were only a pawn in the game. Things started smoothly, but you started to count down to when things would go horribly wrong.

    Nothing happened. Not in the first week, second, or third. Nor in the first month, second, or third month. You started to let yourself believe that nothing would go wrong, and for the most part, you were right!
    It took some time, but you found a match. One experience you could reminisce about without a dry taste hanging in your throat.

    Toheeb Lanlehin

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  • 5 Horror Stories From Boarding School

    1. Madam Koi Koi

    Most people have heard about but don’t know her story. If you’re one of these people, come closer. Let us tell you a story.

    She was a teacher at a secondary school in Calabar in the late 1970s. She was a very stylish woman who loved to wear high heel shoes and this became her signature look. She was also a very wicked teacher who flogged the living daylight out of her students every chance she got. Some said she was a straight up sadist and used being a teacher as an excuse to inflict extreme pain and torture whenever she pleased. Her students, tired of the school management’s failure to reprimand her, decided to take matters into their own hands.

    One night, as she was leaving the school, the students cornered her, gagged her so she wouldn’t scream, and began to beat her mercilessly. One of them even took of one of her shoes and beat her with it. Then she stopped moving. They had overdone it. She was dead.

    The students panicked. They threw her body over the school’s back fence and ran. People were going to assume armed robbers did the damage. They were in the clear. Or so they thought.

    One by one the students began to vanish. All but one. The one who had hit her with the shoe. He constantly told everyone what he and the others had done and that he heard the sound of high heels clacking around his hostel every night which he believed meant that she was coming for him but no one believed him. They thought he was just trying to scare them. One night, he decided to go find out where the sound was coming from. He never returned. His body was found in the morning. He had been beaten to death.

    The school was shut down and all the kids were sent home. These kids, now knowing that the boy was right all along, spread the legend to their new schools. The Legend of Madam Koi Koi.

    She walks the halls of hostels every night, clacking the floors with her high heel shoes and if you hear her coming, shut your eyes. If you try to sneak a peak, well,  let’s just say you won’t live long enough to tell anyone what you saw.

    2. Bush Babies

    Their origin is unknown. They cry like human babies (which is how they got their name) to get your attention and draw you to them. When you do get to one and see what is i.e not a human baby like you thought, you freak out and want to run but you can’t. You’re frozen in place.

    Then it comes up to you and makes you an offer you can’t refuse. It gives you a shabby looking mat (the legend says that they all have one), shows you A LOT of money and tells you that if you can successfully keep the mat in your possession for 7 days, all that money and much more will be yours.

    Basically it plays on the greed of humans.

    The legend doesn’t say what happens if you decline (probably because everyone that has ever come across one has accepted) but it does say what happens if you accept. The Bush Baby lets you go. Just like that. What the creature won’t tell you however is that during those 7 days, it will try VIOLENTLY to take the mat back from you which, given it’s magic like powers, will most likely end with your violent death. Did you really think it would be that easy?

    3. Bunk Shaker

    This one is really bizarre. There’s no origin story for it. All that is known is that it supposedly haunts boarding schools.

    The legend says that it shows up in hostels at night and only attacks people sleeping on the top bunk. It starts to shake the bunk, gently at first, eventually increasing the intensity until the person on the top bunk wakes up to see just what exactly is happening. This is want it wants though because immediately the person looks down, it drags them of the bed and vanishes. The person is never seen again.

    At this point in the article we just have to say that if you went to a boarding school and made it out alive, you better thank Jesus everyday!

    4. Mami Water

    We’ve all heard about them. Outside Nigeria, they are called Mermaids. Fictionalized versions of them have made appearances in art and literature for hundreds of years. What we’re here to tell you however is different from the sugar coated depictions you’re used to.

    A Mami Water is a malevolent marine creature that is said to only live in large bodies of water. It is said to have the head and torso of a human female and the tail of a fish. It is common practice in certain parts of the country to appease the mami water by throwing severed goat heads into the water to satiate it’s blood thirst. When a mami water is not appeased, it is said to lure humans to the water and then takes them. This is why your parents never let you go near the water all those times you went to the beach as a child. Oya, call them now and thank them.

    5. Dog Eye Water

    Oya, wait. You’re probably saying, “Dogs are lovable creatures. They’re man’s best friend! Why are they on this list?” Let us tell you why.

    Have you ever wondered why dogs bark at night for seemingly no reason? Have you ever noticed your dog barking in a particular direction at nothing? Well, some people strongly believe that this is because dogs have the ability to see supernatural entities/spirits and when they suddenly go berserk at what looks to you to be nothing, they’re actually trying to alert you to the presence of a spirit that shouldn’t be there.

    Some people also believe that if you take a little of the liquid in the eyes of a dog and rub it in yours, you will also, though temporarily, have the ability to see spirits. Anyone that decides to try this should let us know how it works out.

    Yikes. If those stories were too scary for you, here’s a list of 15 myths we believed while growing up:

    15 Myths Every Nigerian Believed Growing Up

    Astor George

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  • 18 Pictures That Describe Having The Worst Roommates At University

    1. It’s a new school session so you get to change rooms and get assigned new roommates.

    New session, who this?

    2. So you pray to God and ask for good roommates.

    God abeg!

    3. When you meet them and think you’ll be good friends.

    Correct people.

    4. When they start ‘borrowing’ your slippers and shoes without asking after only three weeks.

    Because I’m telling you ordinary good morning?

    5. When you found out that you can’t even play with them.

    Somebody cannot touch your bed again?

    6. When you get back after a long day and find out they’ve eaten the food you’ve been dreaming of eating all day.

    We’re going to kill ourselves today.

    7. When you just want to sleep on your soft bed but come back to see their friends jumping on it.

    Jesus!

    8. When you’re single to stupor and they bring their boy/girlfriend and start getting on some serious PDA action.

    Unfortunate children!

    9. When they never do any chore but complain about everywhere being dirty.

    Na wa o.

    10. When you mistakenly lose your key and have to wait for them everytime.

    Na me mess up sha.

    11. When your really preachy roommate feels they can be your school pastor just like that.

    Sorry o, I didn’t know you also doubled as the P.A to angel Gabriel.

    12. When everyone else in the room forms a clique and you’re the only one left out like…

    I’m not crying, pepper entered my eye.

    13. How your roommates be like when you ask them if they saw something you lost.

    Enemies!

    14. When one of them likes to give instructions on how they want things in the room to be done.

    Ode!

    15. When one of your roommates is out cheating on their significant other and you have to lie for them.

    Who sent me message?

    16. When they tell you they don’t have money to buy Morning Fresh for the kitchen but come back home with new shoes and the latest Play Station.

    Let’s not be unfortunate please.

    17. When they start talking about the good times you guys shared together.

    Tears of frustration.

    18. You, when the session finally comes to an end.

    Hay Thank God!

    Maryam

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