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Every now and again, Nollywood dishes out a couple romcoms to remind us love exists. Sometimes, they hit the spot and have everyone shouting “God, when?” Other times, they scare the living daylight out of us and leave us with zero desire to fall in love.
Here are all the Nollywood rom-coms that’ll have you clutching your pearls and sprinkling holy water at your screen.
A Sunday Affair
Absolutely nothing romantic or funny about Sunday confessing love to two best friends, getting one pregnant, waiting for her to die, and then, raising their child with the other best friend. The other best friend whom he’d been sleeping with while the mother of his child was alive.
Namaste Wahala
Didi’s mother referred to women as “Cows that shouldn’t be bought after they’ve been milked”. If that isn’t enough to have you clutching your pearls, the multiple dancing and singing scenes should do the trick.
Dinner at My Place
A woman’s proposal is crashed by her man’s ex, and her $22,000 engagement ring ends up in the ex’s stomach.
If you don’t think it’s horrifying for the babe, then at least, you can see how it was a horrifying experience for the ring.
Before Valentine’s
It’s set in a salon a day before Valentine’s, and normally, that’d be a recipe for humour. But the way skeletons started jumping out of everyone’s closets, you’d need to hold your chest every ten minutes.
2 Weeks in Lagos
Ejikeme and Lola fall in love and get engaged in under two weeks. It seems like a cute love story until you get to the part where Ejikeme’s mother kidnaps Lola to keep her away from her son, and Lola decides to stay with him after her release instead of running in the other direction like a sane person.
Love in a Pandemic
Honestly, this film is on this list solely because it’s set during the COVID-19 pandemic, and that was a horrifying time for all.
Okafor’s Law
A man nicknamed “The terminator” sets out to prove the existence of a law only him and his two best friends care about, by seducing three ex-girlfriends in 21 days. It has the most important ingredient of a good horror film: a simple-minded protagonist embarking on an errand no-one sent him on.
Before someone picks up koboko to remind me that Nigeria is already hell and nothing concerns us with Halloween, I get it. But, I still think we can enjoy things without being too deep or critical of them.
That’s why I have this list of scary Nigerian movies to watch here while they trick-and-treat abroad. Are you sat? Let’s dig.
Koto Aiye (1989)
This movie by late film producer Yekini Ajileye was released in 1989, and it’s hands down one of the scariest occult titles in Nigeria. Evil witches terrorised a village so much that there was little the good witches could do.
When a prophecy came about a saviour coming in the form of a baby, the evil witches — including the king’s first wife— devised plans to scatter everything. Even the king, Oba Adedapo, wasn’t spared — man carried a protruding stomach for a long time because the witches housed their birds inside him. Mad.
The movie is in two parts. You have a long, thrilling night ahead of you.
https://youtu.be/r4CBIRnUzvs?feature=shared
Ologbo Iya Agba
This title in English translates to “grandma’s cat.” This film was once the hottest thing on the street, and it was hard to find a copy at film rentals because people had rented it out. I remember how we all became scared of older women who kept cats as pets.
You should see this.
Nneka the Pretty Serpent (1994)
This film came out when VHS was still the reigning champ. Although the title called Nneka a serpent, she could also turn into a cat. Nneka is a spirit-possessed lady who goes around town tormenting promiscuous married men and their families— total menace; even prayers hardly worked against her.
I recommend that the relationship people watch this with their partner to subtly let them know the consequences of cheating on the loves of their lives.
Living in Bondage (1992)
Before you press play on this film, its title makes you whisper that bondage isn’t your portion. Living In Bondage, the OG version, follows the story of a money-ritual cult that demands the loved ones of its members as sacrifices to keep their wealth flowing. Andy, the main character, was even told to blind and castrate himself to appease his wife’s ghost that’s haunting him up and down.
Did this man receive help or partially kill himself to escape his ghost-wife? Find out in this and part 2.
Hex (2015)
This Clarence Peters’ film, divided into four episodes, follows the story of five young Nigerians who accidentally hit a drunken man on the road, finished him off with a car jack and dumped him in the lagoon.
None of these guys had rest of mind since the incident, but that was nothing compared to the fright their victim’s ghost gave them before finally killing them gruesomely. Play Hex and watch it pull your wig back, leaving you on the edge of your seat.
I don’t know why Nollywood makes humans possess animals and vice versa in its horror flicks. Still, this movie, Eran Iya Osogbo (the goat of the woman from Osogbo), isn’t an exception. In it, you’ll see how a woman loved her goat more than her neighbours and everyone else.
This goat of hers was a riot in the whole town. It was so powerful you could take a bite of your shawarma, and it’d land in the goat’s mouth. Eran Iya Oshogbo is also in two parts and will leave your mouth wide open after you’ve exclaimed “omo” like 100 times.
Before I heard that people could turn into an orange or a Health 5 football, I saw a woman give birth to a yam tuber in Karishika. Straight out of the household of Lucifer, Karishika and her demonic colleagues went on a rampage to cause people to sin and lead them to the kingdom of hell. This film has the right amount of Nigerian spookiness.
Karishika was so powerful that Falz made a song and remix, begging God to protect him from her.
After Halloween, come hang out at the biggest meat and grill festival in Lagos on November 11th. Cop your ticket asap.
Everyone is talking about Jordan Peele’s newest horror movie, Nope, and I totally get it. It follows two siblings, Emerald (Keke Palmer) and OJ (Daniel Kaluuya), as they attempt to take and sell pictures of an alien (who they nickname Jean Jacket) terrorising their home. The two-hour movie had me on the edge of my seat throughout its duration.
But as enjoyable as Nope was, it also had me thinking, what would it look like if Nigerians had to deal with an alien attack?
Aliens won’t visit Nigeria because of the heat and mosquitoes
There’s a reason all these Hollywood films about aliens and unidentified flying objects (UFOs) happen only in America and the United Kingdom (UK). We complain a lot about the heat and mosquitoes in Nigeria, but when you think about it, it’s the main reason aliens don’t come here. Imagine an alien walking into a pharmacy to buy Amartem after one night in Nigeria.
Nigerians would’ve covered the house in anointing oil
Aliens wouldn’t be tormenting Emerald and OJ if they were a prayerful family. I’m just stating the obvious. Nigerians don’t play with demons. One sighting and the Goya oil from Shiloh is coming out! Goodbye to principalities and powers from outer space.
I’m always confused when I watch Hollywood movies with people living in an isolated area in the forest or on a ranch. What happens when you want to borrow jerry can to buy fuel? Nigerians don’t do that “living away from the city” business. We like to live where we can see other people, even if their generator is too loud.
Nigerians will NEVER risk their lives for animals
After the first major attack, Emerald asks OJ to leave the ranch with her, but this man refuses because he wants to look after their family horses. Horses? I have to laugh. Imagine a Nigerian seeing danger and choosing to stay because they want to look after animals. It’s not in our blood.
Nigerians like money, but we love life more
Even though it’s clear the alien in the sky is dangerous, Emerald and OJ decide to record it for Oprah so they can cash out. Good money, yes. But at what cost? I don’t see any Nigerian risking their life just to end up on Instablog — ah well, in this day and age you can never be too sure sha.
Nigerians would’ve moved out after the first sighting of Jean Jacket
Do you want to tell me that Nigerians who run just because they see other people running will choose to stay in a house after noticing something strange in the clouds? Nah, we don’t roll like that over here.
Nigerians don’t go to shows without knowing who’s performing
The scene where people attend a “live experience” and get eaten by the alien is funny to me. These people pulled up to a show they knew nothing about, just vibes and cowboy merch. No wonder Jean Jacket ate them all up like guguru and groundnut.
Early this year, the Nigerian Parliament accused Nollywood of promoting ritualism through films and influencing Nigerians to commit crimes. But if you ask me, I don’t think we’re doing enough juju in Nollywood these days and it sucks.
Over the past couple of years, the eyes of the world have turned towards Nollywood, with streaming apps popping up with deals left and right. Not long ago, Netflix only showed movies that have played in the cinema, and now, they have their first original series, Blood Sisters. Honestly, it’s the growth for me.
But while these significant moves open us up to the world, I’m worried we might be losing some of the things that made Nollywood unique in the first place.
When Ken Nnebue’s Living in Bondage came out in 1992, there was nothing like it. The film Introduced us to its unlikeable protagonist, Andy Okeke (Kenneth Okonkwo) and his thirst for wealth that saw him sacrifice his ride-or-die girlfriend, Merit. Living in Bondage not only started what we know as Nollywood today, but it also set off a deluge of films in the 1990s exploring themes surrounding blood sacrifices and supernatural elements: Blood Money,Karashika, End of the Wicked, Nneka the Pretty Serpent, etc.
This trend continued into the 2000s, with most of the films being moralistic tales of “you reap what you sow,” — if you do juju, you will suffer the consequences. Nigerians were obsessed! We watched these films repeatedly, knowing fully well that they all ended the same way — a deliverance in church or someone running mad.
So what went wrong?
There are only so many times a young man who just landed in the big city will sacrifice his wife and die from mysterious circumstances. The narrative became repetitive especially as the same actors were typecast for the same roles over and over again until it became their real-life identity. Like Kanayo O. Kanayo, for example..
With nothing new being added to the genre and the internet giving us more film options, juju in Nollywood quickly became “razz”. After all, it looked nothing like the the allure and flashiness of Hollywood.
When The Wedding Party hit Nigerian cinemas in 2016 and became the highest-grossing film at the time, romantic comedies officially cemented their spot as the new Nollywood cash cow. Weekend after weekend, we watched one wedding, funeral or “IJGB looking for love” film after another with painfully similar storyline, same class of actors and Instagram celebrities.
And just like that, the same thing that affected old Nollywood bit new Nollywood in the ass.
Despite Nollywood’s insistence to milk this ensemble comedy genre, films exploring juju have thrived on the sidelines. C.J Obasi’s 2014 horror film, Ojuju is one such projects. The problem is these films didn’t show here in Nigeria; instead, they were screened in other countries for white-centric audiences.
This sidelining of juju-themed films changed with the success of Play Network’s Living in Bondage: Breaking Free, a remake of Ken Nnebue’s 1992 classic. It was followed by Surreal 16’s Juju Stories and more recently, Dare Olaitan’s brilliant Ile Owo.
We need more juju in Nollywood
Now more than ever — especially after films like the Chief Daddy franchise and Glamour Girls, Nollywood needs to return to the drawing board. The industry constantly complains about funding, but Nollywood thrived in the 1990s and 2000s, even in the face of piracy.
What we need now are intentional stories and, yes, more juju. Forget parliament — last time I checked, they tried to ban generators too. If recent films like Ile Owo and Juju Stories are anything to go by, it’s clear that Nigerians look for diversity in the entertainment we consume.
Juju films showcased Nigerians in a way other films didn’t. From the hustle of the everyday man to the belief in the sometimes quixotic grass-to-grace Nigerian dream, Nollywood scripting once had range — and filmmakers are capable of showing such range again.
It’s easy to dismiss films with supernatural elements as hyperbolic misrepresentations of our society, but they’re more than that. If executed properly, these films hold a mirror to who we are, and/or can be as human beings when pushed to a corner, especially when no one else is watching.
For example, in flicks like Love Potion and Suffer the Witch off Surreal Collectives’ Juju Stories, filmmakers explored obsession and consent in unique ways. Similarly, Daniel Oriahi’s Sylvia tackled mental health through the lens of a man dealing with his spirit wife. These themes are not new to Nigerians, but for some reason, they don’t get nearly as much screen time like new Nollywood’s run-of-the-mill party-themed romantic comedies.
The aforementioned films offer a more nuanced approach to juju storytelling. And if Nollywood wants to make juju-themed films again, they need to be conscious of how Nigerians have changed and evolved over the years. I refuse to settle for the old tropes and porous stories that characterised films from the past. Religion has evolved — to an extent, and I will ask questions when and if I have to.
A scene from Nneka The Pretty Serpent (1994)
I understand now that sometimes, religion may not be the solution to all my problems. I also understand that sometimes, karma unlooks, and the bad guy wins. These are the things I’d like to see. Swap the moralistic tales for realistic lessons because the truth is, the evil that men do don’t always come to bite them in the ass — and that’s just life.
