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Some of you have coconut heads and will decide to take these as recommendations. Don’t do it. We’re trying to warn you about the possibility of sleepless nights. It will end in tears.
Devilman Crybaby
Akira, the protagonist, woke up after a night of clubbing and was double everyone’s height, could run super fast and had a demon living inside him. Clearly, this anime was written by a Nigerian parent to stop people from going to clubs. After watching this, you just might.
Berserk was definitely written by one of those secondary school seniors because half of those villains were giving Lady Koi Koi energy. Both the manga and the anime are so unhinged that only a crazy person would watch or read them before going to bed.
Attack on Titan
Is this anime greater than semo? Maybe. Will it scar you? Yes, for life. You don’t know bad dreams until you’ve seen a Titan eat a human being and chew them like hot suya. They’re terrifying to look at, and even though this anime has more to offer than naked Titans eating humans for fun, it doesn’t make it any less scary.
The moment any anime starts with a quiet-looking boy and his equally quiet parents, expect the worst, and Parasyte did not disappoint. Imagine casually walking with a parasite that has taken over your left hand and has a mind of its own. Even though they become a superhero duo fighting other parasites, you’ll never get used to someone’s head randomly exploding in the first episode.
Tokyo Ghoul
If violence and blood are not your thing, you best skip this anime because it has lots of that. The scenes in this anime always occur at night, which is a big red flag. The music that plays during fight scenes alone will give you a heart attack. The main character, Kaneki, was frequently tortured and had parts of his body amputated. Think of those videos Nigerian parents like sharing on WhatsApp, and it’s worse than that.
Elfin Lied
Elfin Lied doesn’t even give you space to breathe with the horror, gore and blood. It’s about the complicated relationship between humans and diclonius, who are mutant humans with horns. The anime starts with kids killing a puppy that belongs to Lucy, the first diclonius, and it goes downhill. Lucy, of course, goes insane from all the torture she went through and now rips up limbs for fun. Please don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Death note
A human with the power to kill anyone with a book and pen, omo? To make matters worse, his sidekick looks like all of Nigeria’s problems on meth. Watch this and be ready for your mount zion films level sleepless nights.
Demon slayer
Demon slayer is mostly funny and full of adventure until the demons come out. Since the title warns you, you’d think that you’d know what to expect, but no, these demons look like the ones your Nigerian mum warns you to pray against, except not even prayers can save you from them. A word is enough for the wise.
I was scrolling down my Twitter timeline the other day when I came across a tweet about an old 80s Saturday morning cartoon named, Turbo Teen. Because I’m a sucker for obscure pieces of pop culture (hitting people with pop culture trivia I know they don’t know makes me feel powerful), I went a-googling and scarred myself for life.
So now I have to scar you too. Let’s get to scarring.
The very first line of the show’s Wikipedia entry made my head spin:
“Turbo-Teen is an animated series about a teenager with the ability to transform into a sports car.”
I get it. There was a weird obsession with teenagers in most cartoons and movies in the 80s. There was The Breakfast Club, St Elmo’s Fire, and TMNT (they were teens so don’t @ me). The trend even made it into the 90s with shows like Power Rangers and Captain Planet. Another thing people were obsessed with at the time was Cars (thanks to Knight Rider), and this led to some psychopath coming up with the “bright” idea to merge these two things in an attempt to come up with a popular show.
They were too occupied with if they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Turbo Teen is about a teenager named Brett Matthews who, while driving his red sports car on a stormy night, accidentally swerves off the road and crashes into (what’s supposed to be) a top-secret government laboratory. In the laboratory, Brett’s car stops in the pathway of the beams emanating from a machine called the Molecular Transfer Ray, and this fuses Brett and his car on a molecular level.
As a result of this fusion, Brett gets the worst superpower since Rogue (from the X-Men). He gains the ability to transform into his fucking sportscar…when exposed to extreme heat and can only return to his human form when exposed to extreme cold. Along with his girlfriend (a journalist), his best friend (a mechanic), and his dog, Brett uses his newfound “superpowers” to fight crime and solve mysteries.
It won’t surprise you to know that this show was cancelled after only one season.
As bizarre as the show’s premise is, what will fuck you up, even more than anything David Cronenberg has thought up, are the unintentionally hella grotesque and horrifying human-to-car transformation sequences which the show’s makers forced viewers to witness in EVERY EPISODE. Check out a video of one of such transformations below:
Everything about this show leaves me with so many questions. Like:
How was this greenlit?
Was this someone’s fetish?
When Brett gets hurt, who does he go to? A doctor or a mechanic. Is that why the writers made his best friend a mechanic?? OH GOD.
Aren’t secret government labs supposed to be hella secure? Have you ever heard of people accidentally swerving into Area 51?
How much crack had the creator(s) of this show eaten when they got this idea?
Does he go everywhere with a flame thrower and freeze gun? (How else would he achieve extreme heat and cold?)
How many times do you think Brett has destroyed his house because he made his bathwater too hot and accidentally turned into the car indoors?
HOW PAINFUL IS THAT FUCKING TRANSFORMATION?! THAT SHIT LOOK LIKE IT HURT!! OH MY GOD!!!
I’m going to end this with a GIF of the part of his transformation that will haunt your dreams.
All we have to do now is pray to God that no one decides to make a live-action version. I’m talking to you, Michael Bay.
In Nigeria, We don’t celebrate things like Halloween or Friday the 13th, because see, the amount of scary things and bad luck in this country is already enough.
How will I even be celebrating bad thing? God forbid.
It would be nice to explain how and why Friday the 13th is nothing compared to just living in Nigeria everyday of your life.
Friday the 13th ko
You know you have bad luck when you close your eyes on Friday night and just like that, it’s Monday when you wake up!
What did I do to deserve this oh God.
Anyway, You’re up on that monday, rushing to work. “Ojota, yaba, yaba, enter with change o”. You’re in the bus and suddenly, the bus starts shaking, and gbam! it stops.
You’re going to work in legedez benz. Talk about bad luck.
While you are on your walk. From no where, at all, the clouds are getting dark, you start 100m race, but the rain is faster than you.
So you give up and continue a miserable walk in the rain. At least you finally get to the office in wet clothes.
After work, because you don’t want the rain to finish your life again, you take a cab or at least follow your friend who owns a car. Then SARZ stops you.
You know how that story goes.
Let’s talk about the mother of all bad lucks. When your mother tells you to sweep her room, but you’re watching football and forget.
May that not be your portion.
She comes back and meet’s her room unswept. See, just put yourself up for adoption.
because once you hear your name once you are finished. It’s is like a real life horror movie.
“so as we round up, I have to say..” if you’ve never heard a pastor say this, then you don’t go to church. This is a church members worst nightmare because you’re gonna hear it at least 6 more times before church actually ends.
Can I get an Amen?
Now just imagine something happening to our greatest National treasures. Ha! That’s Nigeria’s worst nightmare.
Whatever we all do, we have to join forces to protect Wizkid and Davido, Simple.
Let’s talk about your own personal treasure, you know when your salary finishes 1 week after you collected it. That’s when you know the real meaning of fear.
“hello guy, abeg that 50naira I borrowed you on thursday, please I need it.”
And if you ever want to get your heart broken, just try to check your account balance.
Ha! See, from bad luck to bad mood, to bad day. Everything will just be somehow
Living with a condition called the inability to dance shaku shaku leaves you in fear everyday. Seeing people who are so skilled at the art of shaku shaku showing off everyday.
Oh dear insecurity.
Another really deep fear that scares every Nigerian right now is the possibility of Buhari winning the coming elections again.
God forbid bad thing. But at least you can prevent that by knowing how to get our PVC here.
And the greatest of all these fears is sleeping and waking up and still finding yourself in Nigeria.
“Please let me just go back to sleep. If you wake me up again ehn”
Oh, before I forget, happy Friday the 13th!
Don’t be too scared to tell me what scares you the most about being a Nigerian.
Most people have heard about but don’t know her story. If you’re one of these people, come closer. Let us tell you a story.
She was a teacher at a secondary school in Calabar in the late 1970s. She was a very stylish woman who loved to wear high heel shoes and this became her signature look. She was also a very wicked teacher who flogged the living daylight out of her students every chance she got. Some said she was a straight up sadist and used being a teacher as an excuse to inflict extreme pain and torture whenever she pleased. Her students, tired of the school management’s failure to reprimand her, decided to take matters into their own hands.
One night, as she was leaving the school, the students cornered her, gagged her so she wouldn’t scream, and began to beat her mercilessly. One of them even took of one of her shoes and beat her with it. Then she stopped moving. They had overdone it. She was dead.
The students panicked. They threw her body over the school’s back fence and ran. People were going to assume armed robbers did the damage. They were in the clear. Or so they thought.
One by one the students began to vanish. All but one. The one who had hit her with the shoe. He constantly told everyone what he and the others had done and that he heard the sound of high heels clacking around his hostel every night which he believed meant that she was coming for him but no one believed him. They thought he was just trying to scare them. One night, he decided to go find out where the sound was coming from. He never returned. His body was found in the morning. He had been beaten to death.
The school was shut down and all the kids were sent home. These kids, now knowing that the boy was right all along, spread the legend to their new schools. The Legend of Madam Koi Koi.
She walks the halls of hostels every night, clacking the floors with her high heel shoes and if you hear her coming, shut your eyes. If you try to sneak a peak, well, let’s just say you won’t live long enough to tell anyone what you saw.
2. Bush Babies
Their origin is unknown. They cry like human babies (which is how they got their name) to get your attention and draw you to them. When you do get to one and see what is i.e not a human baby like you thought, you freak out and want to run but you can’t. You’re frozen in place.
Then it comes up to you and makes you an offer you can’t refuse. It gives you a shabby looking mat (the legend says that they all have one), shows you A LOT of money and tells you that if you can successfully keep the mat in your possession for 7 days, all that money and much more will be yours.
Basically it plays on the greed of humans.
The legend doesn’t say what happens if you decline (probably because everyone that has ever come across one has accepted) but it does say what happens if you accept. The Bush Baby lets you go. Just like that. What the creature won’t tell you however is that during those 7 days, it will try VIOLENTLY to take the mat back from you which, given it’s magic like powers, will most likely end with your violent death. Did you really think it would be that easy?
3. Bunk Shaker
This one is really bizarre. There’s no origin story for it. All that is known is that it supposedly haunts boarding schools.
The legend says that it shows up in hostels at night and only attacks people sleeping on the top bunk. It starts to shake the bunk, gently at first, eventually increasing the intensity until the person on the top bunk wakes up to see just what exactly is happening. This is want it wants though because immediately the person looks down, it drags them of the bed and vanishes. The person is never seen again.
At this point in the article we just have to say that if you went to a boarding school and made it out alive, you better thank Jesus everyday!
4. Mami Water
We’ve all heard about them. Outside Nigeria, they are called Mermaids. Fictionalized versions of them have made appearances in art and literature for hundreds of years. What we’re here to tell you however is different from the sugar coated depictions you’re used to.
A Mami Water is a malevolent marine creature that is said to only live in large bodies of water. It is said to have the head and torso of a human female and the tail of a fish. It is common practice in certain parts of the country to appease the mami water by throwing severed goat heads into the water to satiate it’s blood thirst. When a mami water is not appeased, it is said to lure humans to the water and then takes them. This is why your parents never let you go near the water all those times you went to the beach as a child. Oya, call them now and thank them.
5. Dog Eye Water
Oya, wait. You’re probably saying, “Dogs are lovable creatures. They’re man’s best friend! Why are they on this list?” Let us tell you why.
Have you ever wondered why dogs bark at night for seemingly no reason? Have you ever noticed your dog barking in a particular direction at nothing? Well, some people strongly believe that this is because dogs have the ability to see supernatural entities/spirits and when they suddenly go berserk at what looks to you to be nothing, they’re actually trying to alert you to the presence of a spirit that shouldn’t be there.
Some people also believe that if you take a little of the liquid in the eyes of a dog and rub it in yours, you will also, though temporarily, have the ability to see spirits. Anyone that decides to try this should let us know how it works out.
Yikes. If those stories were too scary for you, here’s a list of 15 myths we believed while growing up:
