hollywood movies

Everyone is talking about Jordan Peele’s newest horror movie, Nope, and I totally get it. It follows two siblings, Emerald (Keke Palmer) and OJ (Daniel Kaluuya), as they attempt to take and sell pictures of an alien (who they nickname Jean Jacket) terrorising their home. The two-hour movie had me on the edge of my seat throughout its duration.

But as enjoyable as Nope was, it also had me thinking, what would it look like if Nigerians had to deal with an alien attack?

Aliens won’t visit Nigeria because of the heat and mosquitoes

There’s a reason all these Hollywood films about aliens and unidentified flying objects (UFOs) happen only in America and the United Kingdom (UK). We complain a lot about the heat and mosquitoes in Nigeria, but when you think about it, it’s the main reason aliens don’t come here. Imagine an alien walking into a pharmacy to buy Amartem after one night in Nigeria.

Nigerians would’ve covered the house in anointing oil

Aliens wouldn’t be tormenting Emerald and OJ if they were a prayerful family. I’m just stating the obvious. Nigerians don’t play with demons. One sighting and the Goya oil from Shiloh is coming out! Goodbye to principalities and powers from outer space.

RECOMMENDED: 6 Types of People at Prayer Sessions in Nigerian Churches

Nigerians don’t live in secluded places

I’m always confused when I watch Hollywood movies with people living in an isolated area in the forest or on a ranch. What happens when you want to borrow jerry can to buy fuel? Nigerians don’t do that “living away from the city” business. We like to live where we can see other people, even if their generator is too loud.

Nigerians will NEVER risk their lives for animals

After the first major attack, Emerald asks OJ to leave the ranch with her, but this man refuses because he wants to look after their family horses. Horses? I have to laugh. Imagine a Nigerian seeing danger and choosing to stay because they want to look after animals. It’s not in our blood.

Nigerians like money, but we love life more

Even though it’s clear the alien in the sky is dangerous, Emerald and OJ decide to record it for Oprah so they can cash out. Good money, yes. But at what cost? I don’t see any Nigerian risking their life just to end up on Instablog — ah well, in this day and age you can never be too sure sha.

Nigerians would’ve moved out after the first sighting of Jean Jacket

Do you want to tell me that Nigerians who run just because they see other people running will choose to stay in a house after noticing something strange in the clouds? Nah, we don’t roll like that over here.

Nigerians don’t go to shows without knowing who’s performing

The scene where people attend a “live experience” and get eaten by the alien is funny to me. These people pulled up to a show they knew nothing about, just vibes and cowboy merch. No wonder Jean Jacket ate them all up like guguru and groundnut.

ALSO READ: Encanto is a Nigerian Story, Let’s Explain

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

September 7, 2022

Pop

hollywood movies, Horror films, Jordan Peele
Adapting a book and transferring it to the screen is no easy task. While Hollywood is known for churning out like 80 adaptations a year, Nigerian novels rarely get adapted, and even when they do, some of them make us wish the source material had been left alone. Following the success of Kunle Afolayan’s Swallow (and its many wigs) and HBO’s current adaptation of Chimamanda Adichie’s Americannah starring Lupita Nyong’o, we decided to list out some of the other adaptations we’re excited to see in the coming years.

1. The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives – Lola Soneyin

While Lola Soneyin’s debut novel has already been adapted into a critically acclaimed play starring Bimbo Akintola and Uzor Asimkpa, in 2020, EbonyLife Studio’s Mo Abudu announced that she was adapting the award-winning book in a collaboration with Netflix.

The book, which can be described as Fuji House of Commotion on steroids follows a polygamist, Baba Segi, and the chaos that unfolds when he decides to bring in a younger, more exposed woman into the family as his fourth wife. Although we don’t have a date yet, let’s just say we are super excited to see this one when it hits the screen.

Freshwater – Akwaeke Emezi

A controversial story and a pretty interesting read, Akwaeke Emezi’s Freshwater is the autobiography of an Ogbanje. Yes, you read that right. Its lead character Ada begins to manifest different alter egos and down the line, shit blows up fast (read it for the full gist). An adaptation was announced back in 2019 by FX, the American channel known for another creepy show, American Horror Story. We’re still waiting to see it, so fingers crossed.

Children of Blood and Bone – Tomi Adeyemi

There was a time when almost everybody had a copy of this book either in their hands or somewhere in their house like a piece of decoration. While the author has been known to get into a little bit of drama here and there, we’re still gassed to see the adaptation of this award-winning book. The book follows its protagonist, Zellie as she fights to restore magic to the Orisha Kingdom. Currently in development at LucasFilms—the brains behind Star Wars, this is one book that seems to be in long development hell. Anyway, we’re willing to wait.

Who Fears Death – Nnedi Okoroafor

For a country that understands the intricacies of juju, it’s funny that we don’t have a lot of books that focus on magic. Chronicling the magical journey of its protagonist, Onyesonwu, Who Fears Death is one of Nnedi Okoroafor’s best works. The science fantasy novel is set to be adapted by HBO into a television series. Why are we itching to see this? Bruh, HBO gave us Game of Thrones, so we already know this adaptation is going to be fire.

Death and the King’s Horseman – Wole Soyinka

Although Chimamanda Adichie’s Half of a Yellow Sun gave us a fictional glimpse into Nigeria’s political history, not a lot of Nigerian adaptations have touched on this. Based on a true story about the horseman of a Yoruba King who is prevented from committing ritual suicide by colonial authorities, this play has all the makings of a quality drama. Currently being shot by EbonyLife in collaboration with Netflix, this is one project we’re looking forward to, most especially because it’s one of the few being adapted by Nigerians.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 9, 2021

Pop

books, hollywood movies, Movies, netflix, Nollywood movies, Pop
We’ve been watching Hollywood movies for years now and there is no doubting that they are entertaining. But they have also been taking us for a ride and we think it’s time to call them out.

Here’s a list of 5 things Hollywood movies have been lying about for a while now.

1. People taking bullets for other people.

And they do it in split seconds. But in real life nobody wants to die so just like you I am wondering where they got this very selfless idea from.

2. Bullets never hitting the target.

Case in point James Bond. Cats may have 9 lives but James Bond is actually immune to death. 10 supposedly well trained men chasing and shooting after him but somehow he dodges every single bullet. We stopped buying this magic show in primary 5.

3. Working all night and still killing the presentation the next morning at work.

No boo, don’t be fooled. In real life this ends in tears because you will first wake up by 10; 25 am. And spend 30 mins in traffic so that by the time you get to the office the meeting for presentation would have ended and worst case scenario you would have a query sitting pretty for you.

4. Waking up with your eyebrows still in line.

Another lie, this never happens. Sleeping is like wrestling with your pillow so there’s no way you’ll emerge a battlefield with your brows the way you drew them. We know these actresses be wearing makeup just when they wake up.

5. Glorious sex scenes.

Sex is always ends in a glorious mutual orgasm? Let’s be realistic please. And we actually have a list of 7 ways movies have lied to us about sex.

Which lie did we miss? Drop it in the comments.

Click here for happy thoughts.

Blessing Onyelobi

April 15, 2020

Inside Life

hollywood, hollywood movies