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Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
I have a fear of home invasions. All forms of it: burglaries, armed robbery, break-ins. The crux of that fear is having an unwelcome stranger in my house.
It was just a few minutes past 2 a.m. when I woke up to stare at my phone’s too-bright screen. The date was May 24, 2023. I heard a soft click, and the door to my room opened slowly. I was confused, and at first, I thought, “I didn’t close it properly. A breeze must have happened.”
But the door didn’t stop opening. The slice of light from the hallway kept widening. It was now clear that someone was on the other end of the door, and they were opening it slowly, trying to make sure they wouldn’t wake me. My flatmates usually knock first.
“Who the fuck is that?” I yelled before I realised I was angry or afraid. The door immediately stopped moving. I jumped out of bed — it takes a few seconds because I sleep naked and have to wear a robe — and chased after them, but they were gone by the time I got there.
Outside my door, there was a lingering whiff of body odour in the hallway. In the living room, the balcony door was open. My flatmates and I live on the first floor, so this person climbed the railing to get into our apartment.
I didn’t know until daylight, but they left a handprint on the wall right by the balcony door.
I slammed the balcony sliding door closed, almost losing my little finger. Then I walked back to my room and stood at the door, trembling. All I could think was, “There was someone in this house. There was someone in our house.” I stood there for a while before I heard someone yelling from the next house. The person must’ve climbed the fence to get into the next compound. When I finally stopped shaking, I went inside, locked the door and texted my flatmates.
I lay in bed, staring at my door, half expecting it to open for a stranger to come in and attack me. I couldn’t sleep until 4:56 a.m.
Now, look. I’m well aware of how careless we were. The balcony has three doors: a burglary-proof door, a sliding net door and a sliding glass door. They were all closed, but none were locked; entry was easy. And my neighbour was robbed the previous month, possibly by the same person.
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The following day, I bought the strongest padlock I could find and permanently locked the burglary-proof gate. When I spoke to some neighbours, they told me the security guard in the next compound had seen him jumping the fence. He’d taken my neighbour’s make-up purse, which he’d dumped in the next house. Then he apparently came back that same night and tried to rob some other neighbours.
I couldn’t sleep properly for days, so I packed my shit and went to a friend’s house until I felt ready to return home.
One early morning in late June, a few weeks later, I heard the soft click of the door again. I opened my eyes and saw a blurry image of someone standing at the door. Before I could fully process my thoughts or the pounding of my heart, I yelled at them, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” As the person rushed toward me, saying, “It’s me,” I realised it was a friend who had come over for a few days, not an intruder. It felt like the whole thing had happened again for a few seconds. Only this time, they actually got into my room to attack me.
As my friend comforted me, and I tried to calm my heart, I started laughing because it was too funny. Would I always be afraid of the sound of my door? I’d been so angry that they’d come back, but what did I think my fearful anger was going to do, scare them away? It did before, so maybe it has some power.
I check all the doors before I go to bed now, but every time I open my door and hear the soft click, I get a flashback that makes me shake my head. Don’t go to bed without locking your doors, people.
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There was food and shelter, but emotional safety was missing. Whenever my mum came back from work, everyone would scramble because she was always angry about something. Sometimes I used to avoid even sitting in the living room because I might be sitting the wrong way, and she’d lash out.
That level of uncertainty led to anxiety, hypersensitivity, and over-analysing. I was always anxious about the smallest of things.
I’m assuming this affected your relationship with others, like your siblings?
I have three sisters, and our relationship is beautiful. We understand each other on many levels. I think we bonded over the trauma of living with a mum like ours. But I haven’t explored this conversation with them, to be honest.
Let’s talk about your relationship with your mum
Growing up, like every Nigerian girl, you think your mum hates you at some point. Mine was even more intense because, as I said before, my mum is a pastor, and there were lots of religious and vigorous religious activities always going on in our house. It definitely played into my personality traits. The only friends I had were from church, I didn’t have many outside church.
It was all very stressful; going to multiple churches, having pastors come in and out of the house, being a Christian, your parents having certain expectations of you. Now that I’m older, I sort of understand and sympathise with them because I recognise how difficult raising four girls must have been. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t their intention to create that kind of environment, but that was the result.
It was intense; there wasn’t a choice to be anything but a Christain girl. But even then, I didn’t believe in the patriarchy, I’d always questioned that. But life outside of religion was difficult for me to navigate, and still is. Now I ask questions about who I am outside of that very intense Christian upbringing, and sometimes I don’t have the answers.
Now our relationship is a long-distance relationship. We touch base, but nothing too in-depth. I don’t feel like I can really talk to her, we’ve never had that type of relationship, but I recognise that she’s mum, and I know that if shit hits the fan, she’ll be there for me.
How does your healing impact interactions with friends?
If I’m in a gathering with friends, I’m able to notice when I’m overextending myself or people-pleasing. I’m also reluctant to ask for help or accept it. It stems from being hyper-independent from a young age. I’m the firstborn; my sister (the middle sibling) has always been closer to my dad, and my mum was more concerned about my younger sister because she’s deaf, so she had special needs. I was mostly left to figure out myself and also take care of everybody else in a way. I was usually the one they’d ask about laundry or cooking.
Growing up like that, you just get the sense that you’re your protector and provider. I guess that’s why it wasn’t too difficult for me to leave my parent’s house. I remember going to university and thinking, “Whew, this is nice!”
Being on my own has been my way of feeling like I have control over something. My therapist was telling me recently that I have to be okay with relying on people sometimes but also understand that they won’t always be able to come through for me.
Let’s talk about leaving home
In 2018, when I was 24, I moved to Ghana for a scholarship programme. I felt relief but also a little sad. Leaving family and friends was scary, but it also felt freeing. It was like breaking away from the pressures, the belief system, and just the environment.
What belief system?
Christianity. My mum is a pastor and fervent Christain, so we were always in church or going for church programmes or hosting house fellowships. Being away from home and indoctrination, you’re faced with more in-depth interactions that aren’t coloured by religion. Sometimes you start to see the cracks in your existence.
A big example is when I lived with my friend; we had a big fight, and it was about me not being able to express my needs and concerns because I avoided negative reactions. This stemmed from just trying not to make my parents angry, and that felt normal because, as a child, my life was easier if I could avoid it. But as an adult, I had to confront and work that out.
So those interactions force you to see the places where there are issues and what you need to solve. I only started to recognise emotions for what they are when I moved away and had to interact with other people on many different levels. Growing up, emotions were always shut down because, in Christianity, you’re not allowed to be afraid as a child of god or feel anxiety or anything. In a religious setting, you’re either happy or sad, and if you’re sad, you have to go and pray. I remember my dad always saying, “You can’t be afraid because you’re a child of God.” But it never stopped me from feeling the fear, even though things usually worked out. So you never explore or confront what you’re afraid of or anxious about.
Outside of the bubble of Jesus being your joy, you have to find happiness in yourself. You start to ask yourself what makes you happy etc. Being present in your own body and life helps you recognise all these things. So now I’m identifying and recognising emotions like anxiety and hypervigilance and stuff. They’ve always been there, but I now have the language for it. And I know there are other ways to exist. The biggest part of my healing journey is being able to recognise what is outside that bubble.
So, I take it you’re no longer a Christian?
No, and it wasn’t an abrupt decision It took some time to get there and for me to even acknowledge it. Once I left home, there was less pressure to go to church, to pray, to do all these things. And that meant that sometimes I didn’t do these things, and I was okay. I didn’t get attacked by demons or anything of the sort. It was in the little things; for instance, if you dream about eating, the church would have told you that you’ve been poisoned spiritually and you have to pray, but I’ve had that dream, and nothing happened. I’m alive and well.
So as you shift away from that, you see that it’s not that deep. And you even start to question those beliefs. Sometimes you meet other people that are living life completely differently. For instance, one thing that intrigued me when it was still very early on when I first moved. I went for some sisters’ fellowship, and everybody was wearing trousers with nail extensions, they didn’t cover their hair, but I could see that they were very much rooted in their beliefs like other Christians. It was bizarre to me because I’m coming from a background where they’d have told those ladies that they were going to hell for wearing extensions, so it made me think about things differently. There was a lot of fear-mongering, and it felt like normal human things were things that would take you to hell and have horrible consequences.
You see things that help shape your narrative and change your mind. I’ve also been doing a lot of learning; like, I saw a TikTok about how Christianity is a colonisation technique. So I’m getting a lot of information from many places and making my own inferences.
It was a disaster the first time we had that conversation. I came to Lagos to visit, and one day, said I wasn’t going to church. They sat me down and talked and talked. The fear-mongering came up, and one of our family pastors called me every week for two to three months until I eventually stopped picking up his calls.
The second time around, I was much bolder, and said it was my decision. My dad was like, “What do you mean it’s your decision?” and I was like it’s just is. I don’t need to defend or explain it. And he was like, “Where is all this coming from, who have you been talking to?” And I reminded him that I’m almost 30 and I can make my own decisions outside of other people. He asked if I was going to change my mind, and I said we’d see how it goes.
I guess they have a fear of me missing heaven, and there’s also the idea that if you don’t stick to God’s plan, your life won’t turn out the way it’s supposed to. You could end up destitute or poor. I guess that’s what they’re afraid of.
How has the healing affected your relationship with your partner?
It’s been helpful. Now some of the things I’m also aware of is seeing the patterns in other people. A lot of things happen because we fear vulnerability, because growing up, it wasn’t accepted with kindness or patience. And that shows up in different ways for different people. So now I tend to recognise it in my partner, and I can usually point it out and redirect the conversation to a healthy place.
Due to the few things I have learnt (I’m no expert, please), I’m able to help him navigate his own hurt too.
That’s sweet. What are the daily steps you take to make sure you don’t regress?
Regression is normal. Some days, I don’t have the bandwidth or capacity to do the exercises that are required to grow, and that feels like a regression. But it’s all part of the healing process.
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What sort of exercises?
The most recent one is something called identifying and separating facts, feelings and sensations. I learnt it from this book I’m reading: Becoming Safely Embodiedby Diedre Fay.
So facts, feelings and sensation is essentially dealing with an upsetting or triggering event like this: you identify what the facts are, what you’re feeling and the sensations in your body. The idea is to write it all down, then circle the facts, and then underline the feelings and sensations. Then you read only the facts a few times. When I tried it, I found that the more I read the facts, the less intense the feelings. When I started to feel calmer, I went back to read the feelings attached to it and found it easier to work it out.
What other tools do you use?
I spend like 15 minutes meditating every day in the mornings. I also try to focus on core wounds. For instance, if I’m feeling unsafe, I spend a few countering the belief system by stating the facts around it. So questions about safety in my job, my relationship, my finances, my career, emotionally and mentally. I list these things and just counter the feelings with these facts.
Another thing I do is: at the end of the day, I do something called guilt and shame journaling. I look back at my day and list the ways I felt guilty the point is to identify them and find the ways I’m innocent and the ways I’m being realistic in my expectations. For instance, if I’m feeling guilty about taking a nap because I was tired, I claim innocence because it happens sometimes, I’m only human.
I exercise and try to sleep, these two things are really helpful. Having routines are also very helpful.
Any last things you want to share?
Self-development and self-healing work is hard. We all need support. It sounds nice to be self-aware, but it’s a lot of hard, painful work. But if I can see myself navigating life a lot calmer, more peaceful, more secure and just generally better, then it’s all worth it.
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On July 8, 2023, Funferekenye “Bodiowei” Koroye was called out on social media for years of abusive behaviour against his ex-partners. The allegations include emotional manipulation, stalking and rape.
What do we know about Funfere?
According to his website, Funfere is an industrial product designer. He previously worked at Daywater Care School, Antler Global, African for African Sports (AFA Sports) and Tecno Mobile.
Funfere is currently an ambassador for The Balvenie Distillery in Nigeria, and he runs a company called Studio Koroye. He is also a recipient of TechNation’s talent visa grant.
His last tweet on 7, July 2023 a day before he was called out.
On July 1, 2023, Ozzy Etomi tweeted about needing help for a woman who was being stalked and harassed by her ex.
If a person (in Nigeria), is being constantly stalked and harrassed by their violent ex (who battered them in the relationship), whats their best course of action. Are there any orgs that help? Do restraining orders even work? He constantly finds where she works, lives etc
A few days later, on July 8th, Ozzy made a follow-up thread that went viral. It details the events at an art opening Rele Gallery, where Funfere Koroye publicly attacked his ex, in the presence of multiple witnesses.
I was approached 2 weeks ago by a concerned third party, about a woman who was terrified of her ex who had been stalking, harrassing and threatening her for 2+ years, following a physically abusive relationship. If you recall I came on twitter asking if any orgs could help.
A few days after her friend reached out to me, she attended an artist opening at Rele Gallery, where said ex, the man who happens to be Funfere Koroye, attacked her publicly in view of multiple eye witnesses.
Turns out the first tweet about needing help for a victim of harassment was for the lady Funfere attacked at the art gallery, and she attached further proof of his violence.
In this short clip, you see the equally short gentleman charge through the crowd once he sees her walk in with her friend. People immediately intervene attempting to drag him out & she also leaves. He allegedly keeps trying to hit her and follows her to her car to drag her out. pic.twitter.com/fuaIZyYfUj
In this other clip, you see witnesses who were outside seeing him attack a woman intervene and start fighting the little tazmanian devil back pic.twitter.com/WOUd4R4Ex7
At the time of publication, there’s no sign that Funfere has been invited for questioning by relevant authorities. However, the Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency (DSVA) Lagos DSVA have responded and are on top of the situation.
Our attention has been drawn to this & would appreciate any additional information that can be given.
We are desirous of working with the survivor in ensuring she receives support, protection and justice.
Please feel free to contact us via direct message or call 0813-796-0048 https://t.co/XF6iF5tjtY
Funfere is yet to respond to the allegations, but on the 23rd of July 2023, he posted the image below on his Instagram page, captioned “Thank You For Everything.”
In a now-deleted response to a comment, he revealed that he has lost a brand ambassadorship deal and his business incubator spot.
I like to call it “alternative spirituality” because it’s outside of conventional religious practices.
I’ve always been a spiritual person. When I was six years old, I dreamt that my mum was pregnant with a boy, and the details are no longer clear, but the instruction was to name him David.
So did you tell her? How did she take it?
She laughed it off because she didn’t even know she was pregnant at the time. Also, I was a child. What do children know about pregnancies? But when she found out she was pregnant a few weeks later, she was happy and told everyone in church that her daughter was a seer. When she gave birth to my brother, she named him David.
That was a foundational experience that really drummed into me that there’s a world beyond what we see.
Did you have more experiences like that?
I’ve always had dreams and feelings, and they often come true. My primary gift is claircognizance. I just know stuff. I didn’t have a name for any of these things though until I got into secondary school.
In secondary school. I saw a couple of things about my zodiac sign in my older cousin’s slum book, and the 11-year-old me was hooked because it was so fascinating.
I made a copy of her slum book with all the information about the zodiac signs, and when I got back to school, I shared what I’d learned with my friends. We began discussing astrology, art, spirituality and everything in between — very thrilling, often hilarious conversations.
How did this interest solidify?
Sometime in 2019 or 2020, I was 20 and in love with someone who was a Libra. I’d had crushes on people I thought I was in love with before, but they paled in comparison to what I felt for this person. And because of how I am, I wanted to know why it felt so different, so I started digging.
At this time, I wasn’t into sun-sign astrology, which most people do, I’d delved into things like birth charts.
But it was still a casual interest until I met this person.
Your experience with this person was a turning point then?
Definitely. I wanted to know why it was different with this person, so I went on the internet and did some research. I discovered something called “synastry”. This is basically when you place two charts on top of each other to see how they interact and intersect.
So synergy + astrology: synastry?
Yes, synastry is a branch of astrology. Simply put, synastry is the astrology of relationships. He was a Libra, I’m a Pisces, and I was interested in our compatibility. Then we stopped seeing each other.
Oh no, why?
He didn’t see me the same way I saw him, and finding that out was very difficult for me because I already suffered from abandonment trauma. My dad died when I was very young and because I was closer to him than I was to mum, my anchor parent was gone. It felt like the most unfair thing in the world.
So growing up, I tried to compensate for the love I’d lost with different kinds of relationships — friendships and sexual relationships. Of course, that didn’t go well.
What happened after things ended with the Libra?
I went into a spiritual wormhole. I spent a lot of time on YouTube, watching tarot girlies talk about how the person you love will come back and you’ll be together again. Some of these readings capitalise on the fears and weaknesses of those who watch them.
I spent so much time on those tarot reading videos that, soon enough, I noticed a switch. I became more interested in the cards than the messages. This was around late 2019 to early 2020. After the pandemic, I got a free printable tarot deck from the internet and printed it out at Doculand in Ikoyi.
After that, I made a conscious decision to stop watching the YouTube videos, though, because I was starting to sound crazy.
Sound crazy to whom?
Myself. I have a Virgo Moon, so I’m very self-aware. I don’t like feeling like anything or anyone has power over me. That’s the real reason why I quit watching those desperate YouTube tarot readings.
At first, I practised for myself and didn’t do readings for anyone, except a few friends here and there. I also let them know I was still learning through courses and personal research.
Since I started, I’ve had affirming experiences. Like every spiritual journey, this requires you to have faith and trust that you’re on the right path. Not everyone has the Damascus experience Paul had in the Bible, you know, where God arrests you and stuff like that. Most of us have little affirming experiences like David, Moses or Abraham.
Tarot, astrology and all the other stuff I practise are open-ended practices. Anybody is free to practice them. I believe in God, in what Jesus did on the cross.
When did you decide to make it a full-blown practice?
In late 2020, when I was working at an international art fair, I did astrology readings for people in my office and saw how beautiful those experiences were for them. It was the same thing with my friends. I was excited to share the gifts with more people.
My practice has kept me grounded because it gives clarity into who I am and what my purpose is. And I think it’s important to share that with the world because we don’t have many of those kinds of spiritual communities here.
Tell me about your music
I’ve always loved music. Growing up, I sang in choirs and I played instruments like the piano, recorder and violin.
I began writing the music I wanted to record after my grandmother died in late 2018. Shortly after, I met the Libra.
My music and spiritual practice have developed simultaneously. I write, record, and conceptualise my music while growing in my spirituality and trying to make sense of it. My EP took four years to complete. Two years of writing and another two years of recording. I was intentional about it. There are strong religious and spiritual motifs in my music. That time was a defining period in my life. I like to call it a blossoming.
My EP is about retrograde motions. In astrology, retrogrades are about a time when you look back and regress. When a planet is in retrograde, it moves backwards. It appears to go backwards on an axis from where we are here on Earth. And retrograde periods are periods where we can redo, you can do it again. I designed the EP in a way that you have to listen to it from track five to track one, sort of working backwards.
What’s it like interacting with Nigerians about alternative spirituality?
It’s been interesting and funny. Both funny ha-ha and funny weird. Some people learn about my spiritual experiences and are intrigued. Some people are quick to reject it because they don’t understand it. But my practice isn’t separate from Christianity; God is integral in everything I do.
When I explain this to people, they’re usually more accepting of it. I help them understand that the things God has put on earth are meant to aid and guide you be it herbs or crystals.
Tell me about herbs and crystals. Are they part of the astrology work too?
Astrology is just one of the things I practice. I also practise the mystical uses of herbs, tarot readings, using crystals and stuff. I learnt about them at the same time I got into tarot reading. I learnt about herbs, candle work and how to use your natural environment to enhance your physical and spiritual experience.
How do tarot cards, herbs and crystals work?
Herbs have been used for mystical and medicinal purposes for thousands of years. Certain herbs have certain properties, so when you combine them, they yield different results. And they’re usually typical associations. If you’ve ever wondered why roses are associated with love, it’s because, on the mystical side of life, we use roses for various kinds of love work. Not just in finding romantic love, but also self-love. Lavender is for peace, and it can also be a cleansing herb.
Crystals also have different meanings and things they’re associated with, but they don’t work like herbs do. Crystals are seen as living beings, so when you get a crystal, what you need to do is program your crystal with an intention or affirmation. You tell the crystal what you want it to do for you.
If you have a rose quartz crystal, for instance, and you want to feel more loving towards yourself, you can use an affirmation. You program the crystal by saying the affirmation a couple of times, and then, you wear the crystal or keep it in a space where you can be in its vibrational field. You need to be very nice to your crystals because if you don’t treat them properly, they go missing.
How?
They disappear. In my practice, I’ve seen crystals disappear for two reasons. It’s either you’re not utilising it, which means you’re not ready for the crystal, and it has gone to meet someone who’s ready for it.
Or the crystal has done the work it needs to do. So it’ll either get conveniently missing, or you’ll feel moved by your intuition to gift it to someone else.
Intuition is something that comes into play a lot, right?
Your intuition is key, especially when you’re a spiritual worker like myself. I’ve been able to hone my intuition to a point where I can interact with it on levels the average person might not be able to. Intuition is how you segue into things like intuitive gifts or patterns. Like I said earlier, my intuitive gift is claircognizance. And a bit of clairsentience.
What do these things mean?
Claircognizance is the gift of knowing. I could be speaking to a person and some information just drops in my spirit and I get exact context into what they’re talking about. With clairsentience, I can feel physical and emotional sensations related to messages I’m receiving from people. I feel these a lot when I’m doing astrology or tarot readings.
One time, I did a reading for someone and when I started shuffling the cards, out of nowhere, I was slapped with this huge wave of horniness. And I’m like, wait, I wasn’t feeling any of this five seconds ago. If you’re feeling a certain emotion for the person or situation you’re inquiring about when I’m doing a reading, I feel that emotion too.
I have just a little bit of clairvoyance and clairaudience as well, but those usually happen when I’m asleep or in between meditative states. Clairaudience is hearing ringing and bells, pressure in ears and stuff like that. I feel these sensations when I go to places that are spiritually charged. But my clairvoyance is mostly in dreams.
Like when you dreamt about your brother
Yes, exactly. Even though dreams can be weird and funny, some dreams are very clear. They tell me what directions I should be taking or clear messages for people.
What about tarot cards?
Tarot cards are a divination tool. I shuffle them while asking Spirit the questions the clients have and choose the cards that fall out of the deck. Then I interpret the meaning of the cards for the client.
Since you started sharing your spiritual gifts, what has been your most affirming experience?
A lot of people come to me to find out about relationships and love. I have a client who lives in the UK. She came to me in August 2022 and wanted what I call a prayer divination — I pray and try to find answers about something that’s going on in the person’s life.
She asked questions about her potential partner, how she would identify him and know he was the one. A few months later, she came back and said everything (Spirit) said came true. I was like, “Wow”. I was very excited about the review.
Please, tell me they’re married now
No, but I do have a client who got married after a love reading. They were not in a good place and Spirit advised them to take a break and focus on themselves. We had this conversation in March 2022, and I think they ended up getting married that same year. This is why I love tarot. It’s so beautiful and affirming, but it’s not all love and light.
How so?
As a practitioner, there are certain things I cannot do. I don’t do any substances. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’m 100% sober 100% of the time. Some practitioners are not as strict as I am, but I recognise the kind of person I am. I’m a very spiritual person. I’m also selective of the people I sleep with. I’ve been celibate for a minute.
I cleanse, meditate, read and study a lot. I have to be in tip-top shape physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in case anyone needs spiritual or communal support from me. I’ve experienced spiritual and psychic attacks before.
How?
In 2021, I had a client I shouldn’t have done a reading for. Spirit always tries to warn you; you’d feel unsettled or uncomfortable. I was still new in my practice, so I didn’t listen. The client asked about a romantic situation, and the answer she got was not what she wanted. She unfollowed me, but I’d still see her lurking on my page, viewing my stories and stuff.
I started feeling very frazzled and jittery. I wasn’t as grounded as I used to be, so I just caught on that she was sending me some evil eye. I cleansed and felt better.
You have to be in tip-top shape. This is a path that requires you to be exceedingly responsible and of service because you’re not a spiritual worker for yourself. You’re a spiritual worker for the people around you, who have access to you.
Any regrets about choosing this path?
No. I would always choose the metaphysical mami path. In the beginning, I was scared to embrace it because we live in a world where most people think seeing is believing, but I’m glad I did pursue it.
I acknowledge that it’s an unconventional path and requires a few sacrifices in my personal life, but the joy of being able to be a healer to the people around me is incomparable. I’m thankful to my angels, benevolent ancestors and guides for helping me along my journey. And to God for giving me my gifts.
Let’s start from the top. When did you first learn about ADHD?
I first came across ADHD in a book I read when I was younger and could relate to one of the characters. I was like, “I feel like I have this”. And I always had that at the back of my mind, but I wasn’t really sure what it was because I didn’t have access to the internet then, so I couldn’t exactly Google it.
But growing up, I just always had a feeling that I wasn’t quite like other kids. In school, I was always playful and distracted and struggled with focusing on classwork. I thought that was just being a child, but then I went to secondary school, and it was like that too. My classwork grades suffered because I could never focus enough to get things done. I only did well during exams after studying last minute.
When were you diagnosed?
The first time I spoke to a therapist about it was in 2018. He was the first therapist I saw, but it wasn’t because of ADHD, it was because I was depressed. After we spoke about my depression, I told him I think I might also have ADHD. He didn’t do a test; he just said, “I don’t think you have it because you did well in secondary school, graduated early and got good results. He said it wasn’t possible.
At the time, I didn’t ask any further questions because he was a professional, so I assumed he knew better. But he did diagnose me with an anxiety disorder and depression. It wasn’t until 2021 that I got diagnosed with ADHD. I spoke to another therapist who asked me a few questions and told me I had it. Then while interacting with a client from work (a licensed therapist) about an ADHD project I was working on, they confirmed it.
I could relate to so many of the things she was saying about ADHD and even used stuff I struggle with as examples. She was like, “You clearly have ADHD”. So from the therapists I spoke to and the questions they asked me, I was diagnosed and it was confirmed.
Then I went into deep research and found that I could relate to a lot of the things I read about, especially the inattentive ADHD type. I’d watch TikTok videos relating to ADHD and feel like they were talking about me.
You mentioned anxiety and depression earlier. Tell me about that
I’ve always been aware of my anxiety. I just didn’t have the language for it.
I was always overly worried about the smallest things in ways that would affect me to the point where I wouldn’t be able to think properly. Concentrating was hard; I would even get headaches sometimes. I used to panic a lot. I was dating somebody who once told me: “One thing about you is that you worry too much.” And it was true. I also used to assume the worst, and was paranoid all the time. One time, I had a headache and was so sure I had a brain tumour.
How did you go about getting help for your depression?
I was living with my aunt, and she noticed I kept to myself a lot, and was barely talking to anyone. One day, I sent my aunties a voice note about having suicidal thoughts. One of them is a pastor in the UK, so she prayed for me. The auntie I was living with could see something was wrong, so they came together and decided to get me professional help.
I saw the therapist for the first time in a clinic owned by a family member, and he asked me a lot of questions. My auntie went with me and also spoke to the therapist. And the next day, he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, and put me on meds. This was in 2018.
You haven’t mentioned your parents at all. What about them?
I’ve never had a close-knit nuclear unit. My mum lives in Edo state, and my dad is in Europe. He’s been there for a long time. I was born there as well. He and my mum never married; they just met there and had me, and we all lived together for a bit. But when I was about eight years old, my mum brought me back to Edo state. I lived there with her for about a year until my paternal grandmother came to pick me up and brought me to Lagos.
So I grew up with my grandma and my dad’s youngest sister. They took care of me as best as they could, sent me to the best schools and gave me everything I needed. My grandma is late now. She died in 2015. But I grew up with her for the longest time. I was very close to her, so her death hit me really hard.
I’m so sorry for your loss. When was the last time you saw your mum?
When I was 16. That was the first and last time she came to Lagos to see me. She tried to keep in contact as much as possible. When I didn’t have a phone, she’d call my grandma or auntie. And when I had a phone, she’d call me a lot.
I tried my best to connect with her, but it wasn’t easy for me because she wasn’t somebody I spent a lot of time with. I think she gave up at some point because I haven’t spoken to her in almost three years.
Do you think the ADHD affected your relationship with her?
Yes. For sure. For people with ADHD, it’s harder to connect with people who we don’t see or talk to often. My mum and I weren’t really talking, so the less I interacted with her, the more I forgot her. I get overwhelmed with phone calls, which made me avoid hers. There was just a lot of communication imbalance until she eventually stopped trying.
Do your aunties know about you having ADHD too?
The one I live with knows. The pastor in the UK and the other one don’t. The one I live with only found out because I wrote about it, and she saw it.
She doesn’t understand the severity of it; she doesn’t know that the way my brain functions is different from neurotypicals. And I haven’t really tried explaining it to her because I just don’t have the strength.
Are you in a relationship? How does ADHD affect your relationship with your partner?
Yes, and it does. A lot. I think my current relationship helped me understand things about my ADHD I didn’t notice before. For example, how I always assume the worst. There was one time he didn’t get back from work at the usual time he does, and he wasn’t picking up his phone. I panicked. I called his friend, and his friend called his sister. When he finally got home, it was a whole thing because he couldn’t understand why 30 minutes would cause such a fuss.
It wasn’t until I did some more research that I found out it’s an ADHD thing. Another thing is how I feel things deeply and react quickly.
One time we’d had a fight the night before, but we’d sorted it out. The next day, he didn’t text me first like he usually would, and I got so upset. I just assumed he was still upset about the fight. Meanwhile, he’d been having a crazy morning, woke up late, got to work late, got thrown into a meeting and got thrown into a major work task. And I was just there thinking he didn’t want to talk to me. So I made a big deal out of it.
Now, I count to 10 or I think about different scenarios first before reacting. I still slip up because I’m only human, but I’m trying now.
So he knows about your ADHD. Is he supportive?
I told him on our first date in early 2022 because I needed to know if it was something he could handle. But it was harder in the beginning, with me always losing things, my time blindness, my inability to sleep, reacting quickly and all that.
There was a time I even felt like my ADHD was too much for him. I came up with a document that had a list of links on how you can help a partner with ADHD. I felt like he hadn’t done research on it, and I wanted to help him out a bit. The list included TikTok videos, articles, etc. But when I told him, he misunderstood and thought I was asking him to do all the work. It caused a lot of friction. I had to explain that I was doing work on my own, but I also wanted to show him how he could support me in the relationship.
This was the middle of 2022. He’s a lot more supportive now. He talked about us doing therapy together so he can understand deeper, especially before we get married.
My ADHD is not too much for him if he’s willing to go to therapy with me. He also does little things that make it easier. For example, he tries to keep things where I’d easily find them. He knows I usually misplace my AirPods. So if he sees them in the bathroom or something, he just puts them where I’d easily find them.
I’m glad you have that. Has ADHD affected your work in any way?
That’s where it’s really hard, honestly, so I wing it. Especially because I work in a fast-paced environment where there are a lot of big tasks. With ADHD, it takes a lot of energy to focus.
Sometimes, I just want to lie down and not do my tasks until the last minute because it’s too overwhelming. That’s how almost every day at work goes. But I push myself. I use the fact that I don’t want to get fired, and I want a promotion, to do my job well.
I have time blindness — I often think I have time when I don’t. So when I wait till the very last minute then just rush through it, something else in my life suffers for it, like me not getting enough sleep.
I switched roles recently, and work is more exciting now. That makes it easier. Monotonous tasks are the worst for a person with ADHD, but my role allows for a lot of excitement. This is another thing about having ADHD, you’re interested in so many things. I’ve had many hobbies and done quite a few things in my life. I’ve done makeup. There was a time I wanted to start selling smoothies. Another time, I was so sure I would become a business consultant. I even started my own digital magazine.
Would you say that’s an advantage of having ADHD? Just being interested in and being able to do many things?
It can be an advantage or disadvantage. An advantage because you always have great ideas; you’re always learning something new. You can find creative ideas in the smallest things. But I start something, find out the nitty-gritty of what it takes to do it and just lose interest.
Sometimes, it’s hard to find what you’re passionate about; there’s no way to be sure it’s not just another exciting project that’d last a few months. I always need excitement, and I’m learning to find it in as many things as I can.
Friendship breakups hurt like hell, especially when you didn’t see it coming. But breaking up with your best girl? That’s worse than chopping romantic breakfast, and here’s why.
No one to share your hurt feelings with
At least after a romantic breakup, you can cry to your bestie, and both of you can shit-talk your ex in one accord. But when you break up with your bestie, who do you cry or complain to?
Or even stupid gist
Some days, you’re too tired to make sense. All you want to do is share memes or rubbish one-liners only your bestie would relate with. Is it an ordinary friend or crush you want to do that one with?
They know all your secrets
If they’re petty, they can decide to start washing all your dirty linen in public. Even if they aren’t, imagine someone you aren’t on good terms with knowing weird stuff about you. Like how you think semo is elite. Eww.
You’re too old to start looking for another bestie
Is there even a talking stage for best-friendship? Do you just do trial and error to find someone else worthy of the “bestie” status? So many questions.
Or you could attend HERtitude 2023, our festival for the girlies, party with other hot babes, and make new friends with our speed friendship sessions.
Everyone knows female friends are pros at catching all your great angles. If they’re no longer around to do it, who will? Your boyfriend? LMAO, please.
No one to gas you up on social media
Who’d rush to your IG and drop fire emojis under all your new pictures as if they didn’t help you choose the picture to post in the first place? It doesn’t matter that you have a boo. Boo’s comments don’t count.
You have to break up with their parents too
You mean I can’t go to Mummy Steph’s house to eat firewood jollof again? That’s even the most painful part.
On March 30, 2023, Nigerian Twitter woke up to a thread — an exposé on a decade-long chain of sexual blackmail, revenge porn and manipulation allegedly carried out by Terdoo Oluwadara Bendega on unsuspecting young women.
Please ladies, the abuser has changed his handle to @Terdoo/@0lvdara. Please be careful out there, ndi uwa a jo ka. https://t.co/MBbiKdc2iy
In a recently-hidden LinkedIn profile, Terdoo describes himself as an “experienced Sales and Marketing Manager with a background in Computer Science and a knack for Informed Decision Making through Data Analytics.”
LinkedIn searches confirm this account is no longer open to public view.
On social media, Terdoo is alleged to have gone by multiple aliases: [@Terdoh @WhoIsLere @Terdoo @0lvdara @Lereslut @YabaSlut @noirethedad @tiddiesandass @PervertedHost @lereslvt @cumical]. As of reporting this story, these accounts have been deactivated, making it difficult to get a solid grasp of his digital footprint at this time.
He is also active on Telegram — where most of the revenge porn videos is said to have been shared.
When did the allegations start?
While @TheNnma’s Twitter thread went viral on March 31st, the allegations started much earlier. On February 25, Terdoo’s ex identified as “Blacc” (@blaccnwyt) accessed one of his Twitter burner accounts to give her account of the abuse she endured at his hands.
These are some tweets from when his ex hacked one of his burner accounts on the day of the presidential elections. Again, stay TF away from that thing, it’s nothing but bad news. pic.twitter.com/OkXq0IL3As
Blacc claimed that Terdoo would “choke [her] till [she] was screaming for help” and that he “stole someone’s sex tapes off [her] phone to masturbate to.”
@TheNnma’s thread also mentions another woman (@tilolami) on Twitter who “has an account dedicated to Terdoo’s abuse”. Tweets from this woman point out that Terdoo’s pattern of gathering women’s nudes and sex tapes dates back to 2012.
Twitter users following the story later discovered that the same person runs the @tilolami and @TheNnma accounts. @TheNnma seems to confirm this in a separate thread.
A timeline of Terdoo’s alleged sexual offence
Terdoo is being accused of recording videos of his sexual partners without their consent and blackmailing his victims with same, or sharing these videos on social media.
According to @TheNnma, his mode of operation involves recording partners with a laptop, phone or camera that appears to be blank.
While most of the evidence shared by @TheNnma in the wake of the thread about Terdoo are from sources who’ve chosen to remain anonymous, more women have spoken up. Notably,
At the time of publication, there’s no indication that Terdoo has been invited for questioning by relevant authorities. However, the Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency (DSVA) has stated that they’re actively addressing the situation.
Thank you to everyone who tagged us in this thread.
We're actively addressing the issue and have already reached out to @TheNnma.
Terdoo’s former workplace, Omnibiz Africa, also released a statement confirming he’s no longer in their employ and imploring all affected parties to channel the allegations to the appropriate authorities.
Dear All,
Our attention has been drawn to allegations against a former employee of OmniBiz, Terdoo Bendega. pic.twitter.com/6WvMGItQ8A
— OmniBiz | Digitizing B2B E-commerce (@omnibizafrica) April 3, 2023
*We are unable to clarify Terdoo’s current status as he seems to have vanished from the internet. This is a developing story.
Nigerian Women should get away with everything simply because they’re women. However, it’s now International Women’s Month, so they should get away with even more things.
We’ve compiled a list of things women should be forgiven for doing in the month of March.
Not ironing their clothes
Why do you want women to keep doing physical labour? They’re already underpaid and overworked. If they say they’re not ironing their clothes this month, free them!
Biting their partners
Being a woman is hard work. Let them take sustenance from you.
Having a breakdown
Sometimes, the things you plan in your head don’t work out in real life. While other people might think of something else when this happens, women tend to break down. This International Women’s Month, there’s a lot of extra pressure on women. So if they break down, let them.
Collecting their partner’s food
If she asks you for your food, give her. You can’t tell a woman no during International Women’s Month. That’s sexist.
Carrying tiny bags
Women are already carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Why do you want them to carry even more stuff?
Food makes women happy. Women should always be happy. Even if it means waking up at 3 a.m. to turn semo. If it sparks joy, let them cook!
Arriving late to everything
They have to look their best, and that means spending extra time prepping. Our motto this month is, “The women were not late; the event was just early”.
Being a delusional girl is choosing to ignore facts and remain in a reality you choose. When you enter your delusional era, you believe your wildest dreams are not only possible but normal. You should try it today, and here’s why.
Men do it, so why not?
Men are constantly told they have “audacity”, and that’s what allows them to apply for jobs they’re not qualified for and demand attention from women they don’t know. Why can’t we do the same?
Reality is hard
You’re a woman living on Earth, so odds are stacked against you. If you’re now poor or queer, it’s finished. Why then do you want to be stuck in this reality that contantly tries to frustrate you? Be delusional; escape into the part in your head where everything works for your good.
Sometimes, alter your reality for shits and giggles. If you say you’re a princess, who’s going to check you?
What has being realistic done for you?
In all the years you’ve been realistic, what have you achieved? What has the realism actually done? Try a new approach to life and watch everything change.
When you were younger, you had a wider imagination and actually believed in the impossible. Entering your delusional girl era connects you to that part of yourself. It’ll heal your inner child.
Extra motivation
If you’re convinced the universe exists simply to cater to your every need, and that everything works together for you, you’d be gingered to do the impossible. Why? Because the universe won’t let you down.
Improve your mental health
If you’re too busy altering your own reality, what time will you have to be depressed and anxious? The answer is none.
Since Nigerian women have decided to wear wigs during sex, we’ve devised a list of creative ways to take advantage it. Seeing as they didn’t realise they were coming for serious business, we’d make the most of the situation.
Rotate it around your head
According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, people rotate things over their heads to show excitement. You can spin your wig around to show your enthusiasm for the activity.
Put it on your partner’s head
If you look pretty with a wig on, then people wear wigs to look pretty? So if two plus two is four and five plus five is ten, then that means your partner will look pretty with a wig on?
It can serve as a whip, gag or blindfold. The sky is your beginning with this one.
Turn it to a pillow
Your wig can serve as support for the head, leg, any part of the body you wish to elevate.
Roleplay with it
Spread the wig on the bed while you get down, and pretend you’re on grass. Depending on the quality, the hair strands may even look like scratch marks.
If you’re a woman who’s ever lived with other women in a hostel or flat, you’d definitely know these six perks/disadvantages that come with it.
Nakedness
Women get really comfortable with other women. So living with them means you’ll see so much nakedness, you’d be immune to it.
Period syncs
Everyone in the room will suddenly start having their period at the same time. It’ll mess up your schedule and the room’s energy, but it is what it is.
One thing women will do is carry your relationship on their head. They’ll snap you out of your rubbish with love, and sometimes, intense anger.
Free styling
Who needs a stylist when you’re a woman living with women. Women don’t allow you leave the house if you don’t look like the most flattering version of yourself.
An expansive wardrobe
You never only have just one wardrobe. Even if the women you live with aren’t the same size as you, there’s never a limit on things you can share — from wigs to earrings to scarves. Living with women means having an extensive wardrobe.
Lack of personal space
Kiss your privacy goodbye. Women are conditioned to be extraordinarily friendly and kind. This can lead to them forgetting that there are certain things you need permission for.
Before Nigeria even existed, a prophecy foretold that the women of this nation wouldn’t know how to flirt. Unfortunately, it came to pass, and Nigerian women started doing some ridiculous things they call flirting. We need to have a discussion so Nigerian women can answer for their crimes.
Staring is not it
If you like, stare at them for three business days, it won’t make them know you like them. If anything, you come off as a weird person, and they’d want nothing to do with you. Try striking up a conversation. You won’t die. Don’t be looking at them like you’re trying to see into their future.
No, they can’t read your mind
You can’t expect them to know you find them attractive. Humans aren’t born with the ability to read minds. If you can’t open your mouth and them they look beautiful, rest.
Calling them “big head” isn’t enough
When flirting with someone, calling them names is juvenile. You’re not a child, you’re an adult who can articulate your feelings. Yet, you’ll be wondering why they friendzone you. Babe, you’re coming with the energy of a friend, why won’t they treat you as such?
For the women who flirt with men by calling them “sir”, why? How deep are your daddy issues? You don’t even call the person who pays your salary “sir”, so why this?
“Let your girlfriend not come and beat me o”
Aunty, ask if they have a girlfriend first. If you’re scared of someone coming to you as a woman, declare your interest and wait for what they have to say.
If he’s a fine boy, he’s a fine boy. Stop trying to sneak in compliments. “Fine boy like you, how can you say…” Even secondary school children are more direct than this. Pay the compliment if you want to.
Liking multiple pictures
Everyone likes pictures. Just because you’re liking multiple pictures doesn’t mean anything. Try sending them a DM instead. That’s how things work.
Nigerian women apologise for various ridiculous reasons, and we’re tired of it. These nine things are particularly more ridiculous than most, so don’t apologise for them. Everyone will be fine.
Taking up space
No matter what capacity you’ve chosen to take up space in, do it with your full chest.
Giving instructions
You’re someone’s oga. Why are you apologising for telling people to do their job? Do your bosses apologise when they tell you to work? No? Exactly.
Not having makeup on
You were not born with highlight on your nose and blush on your cheeks. There’s no reason why you should be apologising for walking around with the face you were born with. If people have a problem with it, they should remove their eyes.
Your period will come whenever and however it wants, without regard for your plans. It inconveniences your the most, so why apologise because you need to rest because of the pain? You weren’t created to withstand pain. Rest and don’t feel bad about it.
Having unlaid edges
If edges needed to be laid 24/7, we’d have been born that way. Why should you apologise for the hair that grows out of your head?
Not wanting to start a family
It’s alright to live a life alone. If that’s what makes you happy, why should you apologise for it? It’s not like the people hounding you to get married and have children will pay for any of it or deal with the stress for you. They should get out.
Be it in relationships or work, if you deserve better, don’t feel bad for asking for it. You know your worth, so you shouldn’t apologise for asking that other people see it too.
Choosing yourself
Your happiness is more important than whatever people expect of you. If they don’t like the life you’re living, they should leave you alone. You do not owe people a life that causes you discomfort and unhappiness.
Not knowing how to cook
Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you were born with a spatula. Everyone should rest.
Generally, people react differently to breakups. But I’ve noticed that a woman who’s just come out of a relationship does at least five of these.
She starts going to the gym
I can’t even lie, me sef I’ve done this one. There’s a way the heartbreak will hit you, you’ll enter gym. A Woman who’s just collected breakfast might register at a gym to be ten times hotter than before, so that their ex will regret and be jealous. Either that, or she’s looking for somewhere to pour all her anger and pain.
She changes something about her appearance
She’ll want a different look to remind herself that she’s a new woman in a new phase and old things have passed away. So she’ll die her hair vomit-green or another wild colour. She’ll even wear more risque outfits and become more adventurous with her fashion sense.
She’s posting fire thirst traps
Someone who used to post pictures once in three months will suddenly start posting back-to-back fire pictures on her social media accounts with captions like “it’s unfortunate you couldn’t keep me” or “no other like me”.
She wears less and goes out more
Every weekend she’s “outsideeee” with her friends, having the time of her life. Her Snapchat is filled with videos of her going out for brunch or dancing and taking shots at the club.
She starts listening to inspirational podcasts
She’ll finally open the podcast app that she’s been postponing for two years. Then she’ll start listening to the inspirational ones that tell her how she doesn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy (which is true, but it seems she didn’t know it before). She’ll go ahead and post snippets of her favourite healing podcasts on her Instagram story so that people know she’s now a new woman who is single and happy.
If it’s not yoga, she’ll join a dance class. She may even start journalling, get into pottery, or become a plant mom just to pour out all the love she has to give, since men don’t deserve it.
She no longer has time for love because that only brings stress and heartbreak. Now her only focus is on becoming rich and powerful. Lovers will break your heart, but your career won’t.
She becomes religious
Since her relationship on earth didn’t work out, she’ll start working on the Heavenly one. I’ve been there. A few years ago, an ex broke up with me and I became an usher in church. Fun times.
She starts tweeting a lot
Her Twitter timeline will be filled with tweets about self-love and self-care. She’ll tweet about how nothing is better than being single, rich and happy.
Nelly started to experience a series of back spasms at 40 years old. To find the cause, she did a full body checkup at the hospital. And was shocked when her x-ray result revealed she had scoliosis — a curvature in her spine — a condition she’d been living with all her life.
When did you find out you had scoliosis?
Sometime in June 2021. My office was still trying to adjust to the post-covid era, so even though we were back to going to the office, we tried to practice social distancing as much as possible. My meetings were still virtual, and I spent countless hours bent over my desk. So, of course, my posture was the first thing I blamed when I started to feel spasms in my back. And led me to get the x-ray.
I can imagine. How did you react when you got your results and saw you had scoliosis?
Before I got the diagnosis, I’d never even heard of scoliosis. So when the full body scan came out positive for it, I was confused. It also said my case was idiopathic— it had no known cause. I immediately went to Google. Trust the site to show you the most horrifying pictures. I was so scared.
Then I remembered all the times when my friends had tried to point out that one of my shoulder blades was higher than the other, and I walked in a “funny” way, tilting to the right. There was even a day I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed my back was like a snake.
Source: Freepik
I just brushed it off like most of us Nigerians do. I thought what you didn’t know couldn’t kill you.
What did you do after finding out about the condition?
The question should be, what didn’t I do? If the back pain was a 1 initially, after I went to the hospital, it started to feel like a 20. I was sleeping and waking up on Google, looking at pictures, researching the cause, crying and asking God why he allowed this to happen to me. Whenever I picked up my phone, scoliosis was all I saw.
That sounds haunting. Was there anything that helped?
From exercises to correct sleeping positions, I tried them all. Instead of lying face down, I changed to lying face up because it was supposed to help. I’d also wake up early, around 4:30 a.m., to start exercising before I got ready for work. I even got a pillow to provide support for my back when I was sitting.
But what did the doctors prescribe?
The doctor that conducted my x-ray recommended a brace, which I got for ₦21k at the time and started wearing under my outfits to work.
I can’t remember how long I wore it for, but aside from the general discomfort, it ruined my style. Whenever I wore a jacket, it looked like something was popping out my back.
I could barely bend, and I looked physically uncomfortable. One day at the office, my boss called and asked why I was wearing it if it made me so uncomfortable. I was living life just fine before I went to the hospital, so I went to the restroom and took it off. And that was when I decided to get a second opinion.
How did that go?
The doctor I met said the curve wasn’t so bad. And I only needed a physiotherapist and exercise. The physiotherapist I saw claimed it was actually very bad, but he could “cure” it if I did sessions for a year. Each session was ₦5k.
As the Igbo girl I am, I told him I wanted to pay for one month first, but I wasn’t going to pay that price, especially when I planned to have a lot of sessions. We settled for ₦2k per session and three sessions a week.
That’s ₦6k a week?
Yes, ₦24k for the month. The physiotherapist asked to see my workstation and bed, so I sent pictures. He asked me to change my office chair, suggesting something to help reduce my slouching and straighten my back. I also had to change my bed because it was old and wasn’t as sturdy.
Did that work?
They helped with the spasms but didn’t change that I still had an S-curved spine. And when you have a condition like that, it messes with your self-esteem. I became very conscious of how my body looked.
Sorry you had to go through that.
Thanks. The first person I told was my mum. I called her crying and asked why she hadn’t noticed something was wrong with me while growing up. According to the doctor, I’d had scoliosis from birth. She said how I would have gotten it since I didn’t fall while I was a baby, nor did I ever carry heavy loads on my back. She asked who even told me I had scoliosis.
My siblings were not left out. Every call with them ended with me crying. I even downloaded the images I saw online and sent to them. They became more worried when I started considering surgery because that was the only solution. They tried to convince me I was perfect the way I was and didn’t need the surgery.
What about your husband?
He consoled me whenever I felt sad and also began to give me back massages when the spasms started. In the first few months, I even stopped sweeping or doing any chores that’d make me bend.
My people tried their best. But there’s nothing like having someone to talk to who can actually relate to your condition. So you can imagine my excitement when I stumbled on a WhatsApp link to a group for “scoliwarriors”.
When you say “stumbled”?
Reading about scoliosis online paid off. I can’t trace where exactly I saw the link, but I know I joined the group. Some people asked questions and shared pictures of their backs. I also started to ask a lot of questions.
That was when I got a private message from a member who said she thought I needed to meet with a surgeon for a proper evaluation. She gave me a contact, and I immediately chatted the surgeon up and booked the nearest appointment since he was in Lagos.
I had to do another x-ray. He measured my curve and said it was only 43 degrees. Considering the matureness of my bones, he didn’t think I had anything to worry about. He said if the curve was up to 50 degrees, he’d have advised surgery.
I told him my body was constantly aching. I couldn’t sleep face down anymore; I felt like it was compressing my lungs, and I was dying inside.
What did he say to that?
He still insisted I should go on enjoying my life. That I was paranoid because of all the things I’d read online. He invited me to watch the scoliosis surgery he was performing that weekend to prove the whole thing wasn’t as horrifying as I imagined.
And did you go?
I got there before the doctor. Watching the procedure was fascinating, and he allowed me to take pictures. Because I’d witnessed a surgery first-hand, I made a video to encourage people in my scoliwarrior group who needed surgery but were too scared to go through the process.
That’s when a girl texted me that her 15-year-old sister had scoliosis, and her mum had been warned by their pastor that if she had the surgery she’d die.
Oh wow.
I got valuable materials about the surgery from the internet and asked her to share them with her mum. I also assured her the surgeon was one of the best orthopaedic doctors in the world, so she was in safe hands.
Eventually, the mum agreed. But then, the surgery cost ₦7m, and the family only had ₦2m. I called my surgeon, Dr Mutaleeb and told him about the situation on ground. The woman was a widow and the girl desperately needed to have the surgery.
To show my determination, I sent ₦500k to his account as my donation towards the cause. And I challenged him to add his own ₦500k. I also added him to our WhatsApp group.
Were you present at the surgery?
Oh no. The surgery was at the National Orthopaedic Hospital in Kano. I followed up with the surgeon and the girl’s mother from when they got there until after the successful surgery.
Are you still considering surgery?
Honestly, it depends on the outcome of my test next month. In September, I noticed that my curve had become more obvious. I think it’s because I’ve added weight, but I can’t say for sure until I do my x-ray and measure the progression.
My pastor thinks I shouldn’t go for surgery, though. That God will heal me. I said amen in faith, but I’ve also made it clear that if I need surgery, I’ll go for it.
So far, what do you consider your biggest win as a scoliwarrior?
Fellow scoliwarriors are no longer scared of having surgery. Sometimes, some insist I go with them for the procedure, and I show up. I’ve witnessed about four surgeries.
Another achievement for me would be bringing the surgeon in as a member of our organisation. People need help, and they need to be able to access it.
I’ve also met amazing people in the group, and we keep growing. Right now, we’re about 161 participants on WhatsApp. Whether I’m on the road or visiting a friend, I’m always on the lookout for anyone who might be suffering from scoliosis.
When it comes to starting a conversation with a Nigerian woman, there are some questions they’re asked so many times, they just want people to keep asking them. So, ask, but whatever you see afterwards is the repercussion of your actions.
When will you get married?
Because marriage is all a woman thinks about, asking this question will cause her so much joy, her hands might just connect with your face in celebration.
Should you be eating that?
You want to quiz the owner of the body about what she puts in it? She might eat you just to prove a point that she can eat whatever she wants.
Whose pussy is this?
Definitely not yours, but ask anyways. Maybe you need to be humbled.
There’s nothing a woman loves more than when she puts so much time and energy into her appearance just for a man to ask her this question. It’ll elicit so much emotion from her, she might stone you with her shoe as a show of care. Don’t forget to duck!
What would your man think?
It’s very important for a woman to know that whatever she’s doing is for the approval of the man in her life. So, whenever you see a woman living her life unapologetically, don’t forget to ask her what her man would think of it. She just might kill you.
Women adore being pocket-watched, especially while doing retail therapy. It’s the sexiest thing ever. In fact, if you’re asking a woman how much she’s saved, don’t forget to tell her how much you’ve saved too. Just in case she feels like robbing you.
Don’t you think you have too many wigs?
Yes, because women love being told they can’t have more of something they really like. Ask the question, and she just might use whatever hair is left on your head for her next wig.
The hardest part of attending a Halloween party with your girls is figuring out what costumes to wear. Well, look no further, because no matter the size of the friend group, we have a costume for each member.
The three witches from My Village People
For the girlies who are constantly called witches.
Glamour Girls poster
What’s better than one bad bitch? Multiple. Go as the women of Glamour Girls this Halloween, and prove to your enemies that the holiday won’t stop you from being glamorous.
Beyoncé and Rihanna
The most iconic Nollywood duo of all time. If you and your bestie aren’t going as Beyoncé and Rihanna, who are you going as?
The sisters from Sugar Rush
This is for the baddies on a budget. The outfits are easy to find and you can print fake money to recreate this scene.
Somebody’s Son may not have found you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress as these icons for Halloween.
Niniola and Teni
If you like to dress in more masculine clothes and think you can’t match with your more feminine bestie, we have an answer to your prayers. One of you can dress like Teni and the other like Niniola.
The Otedola Sisters
All we ask is whoever dresses as Cuppy should help us recreate her iconic birthday party look.
Tiannah styling’s best red carpet looks
One thing Tiannah will do is have a vast array of looks to choose from for Halloween. You and your girls can try your hands at recreating her most iconic looks. Sorry to your wallet though.
Ever since her time in the Big Brother house, Erica has served. However, her memes might be more iconic than her red carpet looks. They’re also cheaper to recreate.
Gala and La Casera
Mention better besties than Gala and La Casera? We’ll wait.
Real Housewives of Lagos
Is there a more fabulous Nigerian reality TV show cast? Of course not. You and your girls can recreate their iconic poster looks to really show us what you’re made of.
Kelly Rolland and Arya Starr from the Bloody Samaritan Remix video
If you want a halloween costume that’ll allow you to have fun with your hair, this is the one for you.
Women tend to go to the bathroom in groups, but the main question is why? The girls who get it obviously get it, but if you’re reading this, you probably don’t. Don’t worry, we have your back. Here are the eight reasons why women go to the bathroom in groups.
Come up with weird questions to ask their partners
Where do people think all the “Will you love me if I turned into Olumo rock?” questions come from? Women gather in bathrooms to figure out new ways to stress the people they’re dating.
Radicalise themselves against ironing
Starting a movement happens in places you least expect, and that’s why women follow each other to the bathrooms. They remind themselves that although their clothes are rumpled, they’re beautiful.
Plan a girls’ trip that won’t leave the bathroom
As women gather together in the bathroom, they remind themselves how much they enjoy spending time with each other, and then, they plan a girls’ trip. Unfortunately, it never leaves the bathroom. It might extend to a group chat, but it ends there.
According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, investigative journalism was invented in the year 1307 after the first set of women gathered together in a bathroom. They gathered receipts, and now, it’s become a thing women have done for generations. In the bathroom, they plot, plan and start putting 2 and 2 together.
Planning the next “I think it’s just funny how” text
After they sit to gather receipts, they redistribute their anger and start drafting all their “I think it’s just funny how” messages. They do it in the bathroom with other women who’ll ginger their typing and remind them of all the offences the person has committed.
Sectional women’s meeting
Announcing a general women’s meeting will be met with a lot of resistance. That’s why women go to the bathroom in groups, to debrief, share minutes of the meeting and send their struggles to headquarters.
Countries have the United Nations, and women have the bathroom. It’s like a big physical group chat. In there, all issues are addressed. There’s a secret part of the bathroom that leads to a courtroom where women can solve all their problems freely and fairly.
Witchcraft
Women are summoning principalities and powers in the bathroom. Everyone knows friends who witch together, stay together.
Being a woman in Nigeria is a full-time expense. I feel like Buhari should give us beauty allowance every month.
As a babe who doesn’t like spending money, I’m here to help you save money. Here are all the things that’ll drain your money so you can avoid them.
Having hair
Imagine paying ₦15k for knotless braids and it gets rough two weeks later, or having to dye your hair. Instead of doing all these things to make your hair look nice, just cut it. A low cut is convenient and cheap, and you’ll get to pour water on your head anytime you want.
Being a firstborn
Once you have more than three siblings, just go and register your name with Emefiele. Congratulations, you are now a bank.
My advice is simple, just don’t come to the world as a female firstborn. If you can’t do that, be like Esau and trade your birthright.
Having a partner
Relationships are not cheap. On valentine’s day, you’ll have to buy gifts for your partner. On their birthday, you’ll also surprise them, and honestly, these things are not cheap. So just save your money by staying single.
Not having a partner
Apart from the fact that you might be lonely, you would also have to spend your own money on things like food, hair etc. The only reason my Instagram page isn’t private is because I want my future partner to find me so they can spend their money on me.
Going on girls trips
Stay in your house and watch Netflix. Have you seen the ticket prices ? Then you’ll still book an Airbnb, buy clothes, do your hair, do your nails blah blah blah. If you decide to stay in your house and watch a movie or FaceTime your friends instead, you’d save a lot of money.
Having a skincare routine
You want your skin to glow??? LMAOOOOO. The price of sunscreen is like ₦9k. Sometimes, I think of swallowing a glowstick instead of buying one more product.
Sanitary pads
Heavy and medium flow babes suffer the most here. Imagine using five pads a day so you don’t get stained in public. I want to come down from this REALITAY.
Aso-Ebi
Just because your bestfriend is getting married doesn’t mean you should spend half of your salary on aso-ebi. Can’t just wear a lovely gown? This is why I have no friends.
Instead of being emotionally invested in men, find something else to do, like learning how to knit.
Going on brunches
These are so good and worth the money tbh. I’ll go again and again and get tipsy on mimosas with my girls. Amen? [I still have no friends.]
Buying rich aunty clothes
Kaftans and abayas and two pieces, will take all your money. Maybe we should stop trying to look like a rich aunty. What do poor aunties look like? Because that’s what I’m channeling now.
My advice concerning this is that you should stay in your parents house till you get married, that way, you’ll get free food, accommodation, and trust me, you’ll save a lot of money. The only thing it’ll cost you is your mental health.
Buying gadgets
Can we go back in time and start sending letters again? Because I’m tired of spending money on gadgets. Imagine having to pay almost ₦500k for a phone because it’s a “fruit”, it’s lilac and you want it to match your aesthetics.
Transportation
There’s three categories of people: those who have cars and spend money on fuel, those who take Uber/Bolt and have to listen to what the uber driver has to say and those who take the bus or BRT. Either way, you’ll still spend money. The solution is easy: grow wings and fly.
Ordering food
Anytime you’re hungry and feel like ordering food, just stop yourself. Go to your kitchen and whip up a nice meal instead. If you’re too lazy to cook, just drink garri.
Wearing clothes that haven’t been ironed
I don’t know how you’ll survive because which company is going to employ a woman in rumpled clothes. If nobody employs you, you’d be jobless, and if you’re jobless you’d be broke, very very broke.
Having a pet
Owning a pet is not only expensive but it would also stress you. You can barely feed yourself and you think you would be able to feed a pet?
Celebrating your birthday
Please, just stay in your room and sleep or cry or think about your life. This is why you should have rich friends who can plan a surprise party for you, or better still a sugar daddy who’ll give you all the money you need to plan a party.
Going for concerts
Instead of paying ₦20k to see Asake, just play his songs on your phone and pretend you’re at his concert.
If you ever happen to have a Nigerian woman in your life who refuses to eat or can’t decide what to eat — which is almost every time — here are six tried and trusted ways to convince her.
Bring the food directly in front of her
You’re using the food to trap her in her seat or bed. By the time the only way she can move is to eat what’s in front of her, you won’t have to tell her twice.
Eat beside her
She don’t want her own, but knowing it belongs to you will make her want to eat. She’ll keep picking at your plate until she’s finished everything in it.
One thing women love? Money. I can’t believe we’ve gotten to a point where we have to pay women to take care of themselves, but here we are.
Cook the food for her
If she refuses to eat, remind her that you spent hours in the kitchen cooking for her. Don’t be above using guilt to get her to take care of herself better. So enter kitchen and start cooking.
It’s become transactional. If she doesn’t eat, deny her access to her drinks. The love Nigerian woman have for those drinks will force her to eat, even if it’s a little.
Gist her and just give her food
There’s something about gist that makes a woman not even realise she’s eating. Just invite her over because you want to give her sweet gist, and be dumping the food into her lap. It’ll be gone before you know it.
Eyelash extensions are lifesavers on the days you want to look cute with minimum effort. But if you’re like me who doesn’t know the first thing about make-up, you may need details to help you decide if it’s a beauty hack you’d get into. I asked women who’ve been on the trend for the pros and cons, and here’s what they shared:
Pro: With lash extensions, you don’t have to get into the hassle of using glue to get your lashes on every single time. With proper maintenance, they last for at least three weeks.
Con: The first time you get lashes, you instinctively want to take them off at the end of the day. But sorry, sis. You’ll have them glued on for two to four weeks.
Pro: You’ll always look like a baby girl, with or without makeup. Your lashes will be on fleek semi-permanently, so you don’t need to stress.
Con: You’re stuck with one look for a month. With regular lashes, you can choose to go bare or with a dramatic or simple set, depending on the occasion. But with lashes you install, you’ll have to stick with any set you choose through thick or thin.
Pro: It’s easy to find the right people to provide the service at home or the saloon.
Con: It can be expensive depending on where you’re located, but things typically range from ₦5k – ₦30k. And you’ll still need to either re-fill in 3 – 4 weeks or completely change them.
Pro: You’ll never want to stop when you start because you’ll get so many compliments.
Con: There’s a very thin line between looking pretty and looking like a crazy person. If your installation isn’t done properly, you may end up looking like you have feathers latched onto your eyelids.
Pro: You get to go to bed with your lashes and they won’t feel heavy on your eyelids.
Con: They’ll fall off if you itch your eyes often, or pour water over your face when you bathe, because the glue gets weak. Here’s a video showing how you can wash your face without getting water all over your lashes.
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Timah, a woman who wants to be as kind and present as her best friend
To: Wunmi, the best friend going through a rough patch
Dear Wunmi,
I’m sincerely sorry I haven’t been a good friend in the last year. I’ve been selfish and way too absorbed by my woes to notice how difficult life has become since your relationship ended. Too absorbed to notice your fake smile at my weird jokes, or how you ignored my rude remarks about the break-up even though they hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t as sensitive as you needed me to be.
I always ascribed your incessant kindness to curiosity, but an epiphany has made me realise it stems from pure undiluted love.
I have no idea how someone so selfless and kind would care about a narcissist like me. But I want you to know, although I can’t promise to change overnight, I’ll always make a conscious effort to overwhelm you with delicious acts of service.
I want to go on dates with you — a soiree of some sort — as besties. I know taking pictures isn’t your forte, but imagine how we would freeze time with our awkward smiles and lopsided poses for shy girls.
I want us to binge on your favourite snacks, stuffing our faces with every last crumb. Watching as you try something new and complain bitterly about false advertising and overpriced unnecessaries, or sandwich a compliment between mouthful sighs to water down the aspersions.
I want us to have sleepovers, comparing notes about past lovers, but eventually taking their sides and remembering only the good because we’re soft-hearted hard guys. I love our laughable combination of twisting and writhing we call dancing to loud evergreen songs. And doing it all while we’d sing wrong lyrics aloud without a care in the world.
Wunmi, I want to dance with you, then slowly slip away and watch you dance alone, smiling ear-to-ear with a tear in my eye upon the realisation that I’ve struck gold by being friends with you.
Complete happiness might not be realistic in this cracked-up world, so I pray for you to have complete contentment and a loving spouse who adores you. Anything less would be unacceptable.
I love you so much, and I hope life smiles broadly at you in every aspect you need and more. Let’s always be in each other’s lives.
Ifẹ ti Emi ko yẹ ni ohun ti o fun mi. O ti fẹràn mi lainidi.
Thanks for loving me, my friend.
Your nonchalant sunshine,
Timah
We have three more slots for Letters #ToHER before it officially comes to an end. If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why
The mother-daughter relationship during the daughter’s teenage years aren’t pretty. The bickering is unmatched and the tension is unending. But there’s something about growing older that balances things out. Maybe it’s because you truly grow wings? Well, here are eight signs you and your mum are now besties.
You know about all the men that could have been your fathers
If your mum hasn’t told you about her escapades at 25, then you haven’t unlocked the best friend level yet. The moment she tells you about her first love, she’s opening a rabbit hole into her darkest secrets.
You pick from her food
Imagine being 13 and using your spoon to collect food from your mum’s plate. The council of African mothers would have descended on you. But these days, you’re taking two pieces of meat from the pot with your full chest and even cutting from her plate. Tell me that isn’t love.
You talk about the lovers in your life
Gone are the days of hiding under your blanket to have midnight calls or lying about summer lessons to spend time with your crush. Now you’re showing her pictures of your mumu ex and getting valuable anecdotal advice.
Nothing about the family is hush hush and no one is off limits. If you’re at the point where your mum tells you who’s cheating on who in the family and who is owing who, that’s your best babe right there.
You’re always out for brunch
Remember when the only response to buying food outside was, “There’s rice at home?” Now the woman is sending pictures of the waffles and sandwiches she wants to try for Sunday brunch.
You’re slaying to parties together
Mummy and daughters that slay together? What more do you need to say when you turn up as baddies with the woman that used to chase you around to cover up. Now you’re wearing the mini skirt version of whatever iro and buba she’s sewing.
Low key, mums are sugar mummies that spray dollars without having to give any sugar. So travelling together means she can take care of your bills. A girls’ trip is sweet, but a trip with just your mum just hits different.
Y’all are drinking alcohol now?
I was once beaten for drinking fruit wine at home. Now, my mum is mixing beer and Fanta and offering me some. If that doesn’t say bestie, I don’t know what does.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 24-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about feeling uncomfortable in her body at 16, getting a breast reduction and what makes her feel attractive as a woman.
I guess we’ll start with puberty. What was that like?
As a child, I didn’t exactly like the idea of becoming a “woman”. And starting out earlier than my mates made me feel uncomfortable with my body. I was 9 and just getting into JS1 when I had my first period. Other girls in my class weren’t going through the stress of wearing a sanitary pad or getting stained, at that time.
What was the biggest change for you?
My breasts getting bigger. They made me feel uncomfortable for a long time.
Oh, why?
First of all, they got huge very quickly. I was already one of the youngest in my set, and then, I started wearing a bra in JS2. I can’t remember the cup size I started out with. But while I was dealing with that, everyone else was putting on bra tops or sports bras.
At some point, I started wearing a bra top and singlet over my bra to make my boobs a little less obvious.
Was there any incident that made you so conscious about your body in secondary school?
No. My secondary school was just for girls. So at that point, I mostly disliked how big it made me look. When people were getting uniforms, I couldn’t get a proper size. They’d either fit my boobs and be too big for the rest of my body or the other way around.
Omo
Exactly. So by 13 or 14, I was a size 14 because of my breasts.
Did you tell anyone at home how you felt? Or banter with friends who were probably going through the same thing?
At school, I stuck to making them as less obvious as possible. If the clothes weren’t baggy, then I’d put on as many things to flatten them. Being the kind of girl who wasn’t exactly girly made people think I was trying to be a tomboy. You could’ve called me a “bloke” in secondary school. But it wasn’t intentional.
Feeling awkward with my body made me want to hide all the parts that were meant to suddenly make me a woman. I preferred being just a girl. I didn’t want such humongous boobs.
No one ever asked why you were wearing a bra, then a bra top and singlet?
No one really cared about that in school. And I don’t think anyone at home ever knew. My older sister was away at school whenever I was home. And my younger sister definitely didn’t understand what was going on with me at the time, so no. Plus, I was the sibling who preferred to be alone. They would’ve never guessed how much I was struggling with loving my body.
My mum was the person I opened up to about everything. Whenever I got the chance, I complained to her. And in uni, I started having chest pains. I think I’d fully settled into a D cup by this time. Imagine my mates wearing a B cup and I was almost double their size but one of the youngest in my class. Just think of the load.
I’m curious. What was uni like for you? Because everyone had caught up with puberty by then, right?
Things felt the most awkward after secondary school which was an all-girls school. It was the first time I mixed with a lot more boys. I’d lived in an estate and had a couple of friends. But when I got into Babcock University, it was completely different from what I was used to. I felt the boys were attracted to me because of my boobs.
Why did you think that?
I’m very direct, so I asked one of the guys who wouldn’t leave me alone, why he was so attracted to me. And he plainly said, “Your breasts”. I didn’t think it was different from the rest.
How did things progress?
My mum saw how uncomfortable things were getting in my first year of uni. I was 16 at the time and still struggled with chest pains. She eventually asked if I wanted to have them reduced. But not through the typical methods.
Did you fully understand what that meant at 16?
I didn’t really understand how a breast reduction would happen. I was just happy at the possibility of getting the load off my chest. She mentioned her sister had done the same thing too.
Why didn’t this come up earlier?
She felt I couldn’t cope with the pain from the process.
And your aunt, had you ever spoken to her since she went through the same issues?
Nah. I’d never even heard that her boobs were big. We weren’t close. And it wasn’t the type of thing I wanted to talk about with anyone other than my mum.
Fair enough. So you decided to go for the procedure?
Yes. We had to travel from Abuja to Ayama-Ebeni in Bayelsa state. It was my mother’s village, where her sister had done her breast reduction, but I’d never been there in my life. Meeting her whole family and seeing how she grew up was a new experience for me too.
Any expectations?
I imagined it would be more like a village, with scanty houses and untarred roads. But Ayama-Ebeni was filled with huge houses. When we arrived, my aunt called the woman and asked her to come the next day to carry out the procedure. It was a traditional thing, so the whole thing happened in my room.
She was an elderly woman who’d been helping women in the village for years. No one knew exactly where she’d learnt the practice from. It was just something everyone in my family knew her for.
Oh, interesting
Yeah. My mum and aunt were comfortable with it, so I didn’t feel nervous. Think of those people who are called rainmakers in the East. No one knows how they do it, but when you have an important event, you pay them to pray and hold the rain for you. It’s just a long-standing tradition. There was no need to ask many questions. My only concern was for whatever she did to work.
So what did she actually do?
The first thing she asked was what she should draw on it. And that’s because the process leaves a black mark, almost like a tattoo. I asked for some kind of flower design at first.
And then?
I couldn’t handle the pain. She tied seven needles together with a thread and dipped them into a black concoction my mother later told me was blended leaves. But that was the least of my concern with the pain I felt during the process.
The concoction shrinks the breasts, but she had to cut me to get it in. So the woman pricked the upper part of my breasts with the needles she’d dipped in the concoction, similar to how tattoos are applied. But imagine the pain a million times more with no anaesthetics.
Omo
I had to tell her to forget the flower and draw two lines.
LOL
It was too painful.
But it worked, right?
Hm. At first, my breasts were twice the size. I remember crying to my aunty about it. But she asked me to give it a few weeks. In three weeks, the mark began to peel off like when a tattoo is healing. The swelling eventually reduced and so did my breasts. I went down from a size 14 to 12.
But three years later, I started to gain weight all over again and they got bigger. My periods were also irregular.
Ah
LOL. Yeah. I found out I had PCOS in 2020.
What did that change for you?
I did my research after the diagnosis from my gynaecologist and realised it happened to a lot of women. There was nothing I could do about it. And it dawned on me that puberty never really ends. Your body just unlocks new levels at every stage.
We started the conversation with you feeling awkward about those changes. How do you feel now?
I’ve learnt to appreciate myself a lot more. The attention I get from men and women these days is what I find interesting. My insecurities kick in once in a while, but I’ve realised that my body, as a woman, is attractive. And I love how I feel about that.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
There’s nothing as infuriating as an unexpected period stain. She strolls in like unsolicited debit alerts you receive on a day you decide to casually breathe in Lagos. One minute you’re feeling secure in your double-layered pad and the next, your uterus decides to disgrace you.
But let’s rant about it together. In this article, seven women share their most annoying experiences with getting stained, starting with mine.
“Let’s not even get into how I left the okada man’s seat covered in blood”
There hasn’t been a more shameful experience for me than when I got stained in light brown khaki pants at 16. I was at uni for registrations, and I didn’t realise I was stained until a woman randomly pulled me to the corner and told me. I was so embarrassed. Mostly because I didn’t know how long I’d been walking around with a patch of blood on my bum.
The worst part was trying to get home. I was in a completely different city from my parents, so all I had were relations to ask for help. I called my uncle in a panic to pick me up, but he didn’t come because I couldn’t tell him exactly why it was an emergency. When I called his wife to explain, she said I was being dramatic.
Bolt wasn’t as popular in 2014, so I ended up hopping three buses and flying a bike to get home. I held a clerk bag against my bum through the whole journey in an attempt to cover my shame — a tad dramatic. And let’s not even get into how I left the okada man’s seat covered in blood.
— Ortega, 23
“My underwear was drenched at the bank”
Last Tuesday, I decided to take the risk of not wearing a pad on the fifth day of my cycle. I knew it was a risky move, but at this point, I’d had three months of my five-day cycle suddenly becoming four. I trusted that I was completely done.
Then, I got to the bank and felt that irritating burst of blood you get when your period randomly shows up. I was so uncomfortable, but I needed to sort out the issues with my account. And the customer service was so slow. By the time the guy was done, my underwear was drenched.
But I think the most frustrating part was getting back home an hour later, putting on a pad and realising the blood had stopped. Like the 45 minutes I’d sat with soaked underwear at the bank didn’t just happen.
— Lola, 26
“I started my period again after five years”
When I was 45, I unexpectedly had my period almost five years after it had stopped. It started with cramps, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. They attributed it to some kind of transition to menopause. I spent a week in my room in a lot of pain.
A week later, the blood started to flow and caught me off guard. I didn’t even understand how it was possible. The doctors said it happened occasionally to women my age.
It had been years since I put on a pad, so of course, it shifted as I went from meeting to meeting the next day. And that’s how I ended up with a stained dress at an important client meeting. It wasn’t horrible because we were friends. But I was past the age for all that crap of period stains.
— Julie, 49
“I couldn’t go home because there was so much work to do”
In February 2022, I had to be out for fieldwork at Oniru beach. My flow is usually heavy, but I was sure I’d be fine until about noon. I was on the bus until 8 a.m., and I didn’t know I was badly stained on the ride until a random woman on the beach told me.
I changed my pad, but I couldn’t leave because we had a lot of work to do. And everyone on my team was a guy, so it was very awkward. I ended up walking around with a huge stain on my light blue jeans. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like digging myself into a hole as much as I did on that day.
“I didn’t know how to handle getting stained in a class full of boys”
My mum never really liked to talk about periods or puberty. I learnt most of what I needed from friends. But I didn’t know how to handle getting stained in a class full of boys. I was 18 and in my second year of engineering at uni when it happened.
Engineering boys are already annoying, so getting stained during a class and not knowing is the worst. And then having one of them tell you about it is the cherry on top. The guys made it seem like it was unnatural with their awkward stares. So I actually cried. Mostly because of my rep, but I also felt unprepared because I’d been in an all-girls secondary school.
“I didn’t use pads until I was 18. My mum also didn’t use them”
I didn’t use pads until I was 18. My mum also didn’t use them. She taught me to use tissue paper or clothes and they weren’t the best absorbents for a heavy flow.
The one time I really got frustrated was when my mum sent me on one of her long errands and I got stained. I was 14 at the time and so upset. The market was rowdy, so that made it stressful to deal with. I had to walk back home with a stained skirt and blood practically dripping down my legs.
“It didn’t make sense because I used a panty liner”
I got stained at church this month (2022). On my calendar, I had two more days until my next period. But I wore a pant liner just in case it came earlier. And I confidently put on a yellow dress for church. When it was time for offering, a babe randomly dragged me to her seat to let me know I was stained.
It was such a huge stain and it didn’t make sense because I had pantyliners on for goodness sake. I had to beg the lady for her scarf to cover myself and take a bike home. With how irregular my periods are, it was the day I wore a yellow dress it decided to be punctual.
“I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things.”
— Sandra*, 24
I have to earn at least ₦1m per month, that’s the least amount. I don’t want to start off struggling in my marriage. Life is hard, but money makes it easier. Also, I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things. No matter what men say, I think it leads to resentment. I’ve seen the older generation of women ask for money for things like gas and groceries, and I think it’s because they don’t earn enough. I just want a soft life, the bedrock of which is money, kudi, ego, you get me?
“I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world.”
— Chiamaka*, 24
I have to earn at least ₦500k – ₦600k after taxes and deductions. There are women who earn less than this and get married, and I sincerely wish them the best, but I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world, and they are expensive. You don’t want them to suffer. Also, the cost of living is high, and the country as a whole is hard. If you’re not earning enough, don’t get married.
“I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent.”
— Yinka*, 23
I don’t want to earn less than ₦500k. I’m not sure it’s realistic with the way Nigeria is today, but that’s what I’d like to earn before I get married, hopefully, in the next two years, and I know that on my career path as a lawyer, I won’t have achieved a senior role by that time, so that’s most likely what I’d be earning. I also want to have a side business to support my earnings. I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent — since it seems safer to save in foreign currency with the alarming inflation rate in the country. That amount in savings won’t be hard for me to get because I’ve been saving money since I was in secondary school. I’m sure I’ll even pass that amount by the time I’m ready to get married.
“I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too.”
— Tamara*, 33
I’m not suffering in my mother’s house, so I can’t go to my “marital home” to suffer. Monthly, I have to earn at least ₦400k – ₦500k, and my savings cannot be less than ₦5 – 6m.
The major reason why people divorce, apart from infidelity, is financial issues. Two people coming together as one means they should combine their efforts to build a family. I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too. Also, anything can happen. For example, my husband could lose his job (God forbid). There has to be another source of income to fall back on. I’d also want to send a regular allowance to our parents and live a soft girl life too.
“For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 and above will do it.”
— Kemi*, 25
I currently earn over €40,000 a year. For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 or above will do it. I want to live the softest possible life. Nothing extravagant or ridiculous, but the best we can both afford. I want to have a luxury apartment in a good neighbourhood, and a good car. Not necessarily luxury cars like Porsche or Benz, but not cars from 2002 either. I want to be able to afford the best possible life for our future kids as well.
“I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much.”
— Mariam*, 25
I want to earn at least ₦250k – ₦300k monthly and have at least ₦1m in savings. I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much, and I believe in growing with my partner financially. As long as my career grows and my salary increases over time, I’m good.
A pathological liar is someone who constantly lies without much awareness. They have a false sense of reality and will never admit they’re liars. They lie to gain things, change stories, get their way and are superb exaggerators.
A compulsive liar, on the other hand, lies out of habit. They lie about everything, big or small. They lie for no apparent reason, and sometimes, telling the truth is awkward and uncomfortable. Many times, they find it easier to avoid confrontations with facts. When I made the journo request to interview a compulsive or pathological liar, I doubted that I’d find someone willing to talk to me. That was until I got a WhatsApp message from Rebecca*. Rebecca, 25, believes she’s a compulsive liar, and she told me her story.
How and when did you discover you were a compulsive liar?
I’ve always been aware that it’s easier for me to lie than tell the truth, even when I don’t need to. I’m the type of person that can come up with a lie on the spot, even if it’s not a well thought out lie. Other times, I know how to plan my lies effectively so people don’t know I’m lying, which frequently involves creatively coming up with stories. But it wasn’t until the beginning of 2021 that I realised it was a problem I had.
What made you realise it was a problem?
I started dating someone, and I didn’t want to lie to this person. What made me realise my lying was a big issue was that it was hard for me not to lie to them. Not lying should be a normal thing, and it shouldn’t be difficult. After this, I started thinking about all the lies I had told in the past, and that’s when I knew I had a problem.
Why don’t you want to lie to your boyfriend specifically? What about everyone else in your life?
I don’t want to lie to him because of how deeply I care about him. For the first time in my life, I’m with someone who loves and will do anything for me. It wouldn’t be fair to lie to such a person. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad when I lie to my friends or family members, but that has never been enough to stop me.
What type of lies have you told your family members?
I think one of the biggest lies I’ve told a family member is that I was suicidal. My guardian had been complaining about how distant I was from everyone in the family, and how I never spoke and always kept to myself. She struggled to understand why I was the way I was. One day, I told her it was because I was depressed and had been thinking about ending my life. The truth is, I was depressed, but I wasn’t suicidal. I’m fond of infusing my lies with the truth.
I’m curious to know how the whole suicidal thing went.
My family got me help in the form of a therapist that I spoke to weekly. He eventually diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. The bipolar diagnosis confused me because I didn’t think I was bipolar. I never felt like I was. This made me see another therapist, and he confirmed that I wasn’t.
Why do you infuse your lies with the truth?
I do it because I think it makes the lies more believable. It also makes me feel less guilty. I felt bad about the suicidal lie, but at least my family found out about my depression and got me help, so some good came out of it. I definitely could have gone about it differently, though.
Do you lie on a daily basis?
No, and that’s why I didn’t consider my lying for the longest time. The majority of my lies are things like lying to my parents about where I’m going, even when there’s no need to lie. Other times, I just exaggerate some stories that I tell my friends about things that happen to me or make up some stories from scratch. I’ve also lied to my bosses, past and present, to get days off or resign.
Resign?
I once told my boss I had a serious illness that required long term care and had to resign. I told her I was sad about leaving, but the doctor said I wasn’t allowed to do anything that would stress me, and that included work. Now that I think about it, I could have just said I was no longer interested. I felt terrible that I lied like that, mainly because she felt sorry for me and prayed for me constantly. She even told me I could take a sabbatical and return, but I said no.
Wow
I haven’t even told you about the time I lied to my ex-boyfriend about being pregnant for him. He had just broken up with me at the time, and I wanted to get his attention and see if he still cared about me. When I told him, he offered to pay for an abortion, but I told him no and that I wanted to do another test first. I didn’t want his money; I just wanted his attention mostly. Days later, I told him the other test I took was negative. And that was the end of it. I even told some of my friends. I don’t know why I did that. I guess I was sad and I wanted some form of affectionate attention.
Actually, I think the biggest lie I’ve ever told is that I have a ceratin disorder, even though I haven’t been diagnosed. Although I truly believe I have this disorder, I just don’t have the money to see a specialist to diagnose me. But I lie that I’ve been diagnosed so as to not look stupid.
Why do you lie? What pushes you to lie?
There isn’t one single reason why I lie if I’m being honest. Sometimes I lie just because I think it’s easier than telling the truth. Like when I lie to my parents or my friends. For example, sometimes I lie about songs I’ve listened to or movies I’ve watched. Other times I lie for attention or to make my life seem more interesting like when I lie about men hitting on me to make my boyfriend jealous. Other times I just lie for no reason. There’s no particular process, nothing special goes through my head when I’m about to lie, it just happens.
Because this is my chance to speak to someone about it. Someone who has no connection to me whatsoever. Having a problem and having no one to talk to about it can be frustrating. I stopped therapy a while ago because it got expensive, but I don’t even think this is something I would have mentioned to my therapist. So when someone in a WhatsApp group I’m on, mentioned that a writer was looking to interview a pathological or compulsive liar, I thought it was weird. But I decided to reach out to the person because I saw this as my opportunity to have a chance to speak to someone and get some of the guilt off my chest.
I feel bad for all the lies I tell. I really do. Even though many of them aren’t exactly lies that hurt people, they’re still lies. But I can’t help myself. Even with my boyfriend, he’s the person I least lie to, but once in a while I still lie to him about minor things and I hate it. I need help. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to help myself or if I’ll ever get any help from anyone. But I know I need help.
Aren’t you worried that your family or people you know might see this?
I am, and that’s why I was very particular about the situations I told you about and why I wasn’t very descriptive. My family and my ex aren’t on social media, so I know they won’t see this. And if they somehow do, I’ll lie my way out of it.
We’re bringing to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: A woman who wants to remain friends with her crush
To: Danielle, her ex-crush
Dear Danielle,
I need to be freed from your bondage.
I met you on a dating app in 2021, and our conversations there were kind of boring. We both opened that app once every couple of days, and I don’t think there was anything about us interesting enough to get us to keep talking. Then we moved to Twitter, which I believe is the app of the unhinged. With Twitter came a new ease. We laughed a lot and shared tweets a lot. I smiled so much, my friends knew I had gotten a crush.
It’s weird because now that I think about it, I don’t know why exactly I have a crush on you. It’s not like you went out of your way to flirt with me or court me. We had normal conversations about normal things and you teased me constantly about how young I was. Sometimes you were vulnerable. I believe I didn’t keep secrets from people, but I knew those conversations we had weren’t ones you discussed so often. I felt like you actively involved me in your life — and although I shouldn’t have — I felt special.
I tried so hard to fight how I felt because things like this never end well for me. The crushes always lose their interest for reasons I can’t explain and I’m right back to square one. So one day I texted you and told you I’d decided to free you from my bondage. There was an age difference we had that bothered you, so I wanted you not to worry or guard every action around me. I wanted you happy and free. But even though I’ve freed you from my bondage, I don’t think you’ve released me from yours.
I want us to be friends, but I don’t know how. I want to text you every day, but I’m scared you’d think this is me fighting hard for something that’ll never be. I want to double text and have proper conversations with you again, but all I feel is fear. I’m scared you’re telling your friends about the girl that won’t leave you alone or you’d find me embarrassing and my attempts at friendship ridiculous. I want to send you random pictures and tell you about people I like, but I’m scared.
You’d think I should be able to have this conversation with you to clear things up, but if it takes me three days to mentally prepare myself to tell you “hi”, how could I manage that? I miss talking to you randomly and knowing things about you. But I’ve messed up this exact situation once, and I don’t want to do it again.
A material gworl is a person who’s attracted to the finer things of life and strives to attain them. If you know Lara Billionaire from Twitter, you’ll know that she fits this description perfectly. And so as she’s giving her proven tips on how to be a material gworl, let’s make sure to jot things down. Because we too want to be material gworls. Amen??
Fashion sense is important
Material gworls have great fashion sense and love to buy clothes. But with fashion, it’s not one size fits all. You need to find out what your style is and shop accordingly. Start by knowing your favourite colour. You’ll find that when you wear things in your favourite colour often, you’re able to add other things that compliment that colour. It’s also important that you wear only things that make you comfortable.
You can never have too many shoes
I’ve loved shoes for the longest time. I remember when I had just started secondary school and my mum sent me 15 pairs of school shoes. That’s when my love for shoes started. As a material gworl, you can never have enough shoes. What I will say, though, is that you find a way to balance comfort and style. I love wearing unique shoes that are different from the norm, but I always prioritize comfort. That’s the first thing I think about before I even think about the price.
Apart from clothes and shoes, I also love good jewellery. As a material gworl, you must know how to accessorise. It doesn’t always have to be expensive. With the right jewellery, you can still give off luxurious material gworl vibes.
Get the right perfumes
I’m not exactly a perfume head. What I would say is buy the ones that smell nice. Get recommendations from your friends or from social media. I get my perfume recommendations from TikTok, and it’s been great so far.
As a child, whenever I was out with my grandma, people wanted to carry me, buy me things and my existence really just brought them joy. Reason why? I have no idea. My maternal uncles and aunties used to give me more money than I needed. I’ve been receiving gifts all my life and I’ve gotten used to it. As a Material gworl, be very open to receiving gifts.
Money
You cannot be a material gworl without money. If not, how will you sponsor your lifestyle or all the things you’d like to get for yourself? You have to have money. I truly believe that the best type of material gworl is a sponsored one. As the first child, grandchild, and great-grandchild, I enjoyed a lot of things. Everything came from a place of love, so it was easy to know that everything I desire, I go receive.Now that I’m older, I hate that I have to work to maintain the lifestyle they introduced me to, but once a material gworl, always a material gworl.
Be Yourself
Material gworlism is subjective and there isn’t one way to be a material gworl. Some may say it’s based on the clothes you wear, others may say it’s based on the company you keep. It depends on your lifestyle in general. In essence, stay true to yourself, regardless of what others think.
Lying to men is completely acceptable; they deserve wickedness, but babes can we at least stop lying to ourselves? Deep down, we’re all pretending to like at least one thing on this list. You can continue lying after reading this, but at least catch your sub in private.
1. Tea
Especially green tea. Can we put a stop to parading tasteless things like green tea around? You know you want to add milk and sugar after each sip, so why are you punishing yourself? Okay, I know it’s for fitfam goals, but even though.
2. Coffee
I’m talking to the women with the coffee mugs that say “Boss babe”. You’re selling fake dreams and it’s mostly the women drinking black coffee. It’s bitter; stop lying.
3. Squats
I’m here for body goals, but let’s stop glamourising the stress involved, please. Going up and down 100 times on one spot is stressful, and you hate it. Admit it when you take your gym selfies.
4. Pasta
If it’s not jollof spaghetti, women are lying about loving pasta — especially creamy pasta. First of all, it doesn’t have pepper. Second, why would I pay ₦10k for food and it comes with shredded chicken or four tiny shrimps? Where is my chicken lap? Call it my lack of acquired taste, but you too, you know what’s going on deep down. Buy amala and be okay dear.
5. Love
Love is wicked. Stop hyping it up and down. Thank you.
6. Boob tapes
Bras are hell, but boob tapes aren’t any better. For busty girls, it doesn’t hold anything up, and it’s painful to take off. So why are we still hyping boob tapes? You hate them. Stop it.
Every time you swipe your card to pay for something, you’re in severe pain. It’s alright to admit you want to be spoiled. Not every time, “I’m a strong black woman.” Chose the soft life sometimes.
8. Skincare
Every time I see the price of sunscreen, I shed a tear or two. Beyond the price, it’s so annoying to deal with the stress of washing your face every night. Then the worst part is having ten more steps to follow. All in the name of black don’t crack?
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
Today’s subject for #ZikokoWhatSheSaid is Topher, a 27-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about sharing her love for football with her twin brother, losing a piece of herself when he died and holding on to the sport as she navigates life without her favourite sibling.
What’s your favourite football club?
Chelsea. Even before I became a fan in 2008, Chelsea was a team I liked because they wear my favourite colour, blue.
How did you become a fan?
Before Chelsea, I watched football for the thrill, and finally picking a team to support was random.
I was at a neighbour’s house watching the Champions League finals where Chelsea played against Manchester United. It was the first time ever they made it to the finals, and I could feel the excitement of the players. 90 minutes went by and Chelsea lost the game. I was expecting some level of frustration from the guys, but they seemed happy. Even with the loss, they cheered. These guys reminded me of the reason I loved football in the first place: that ability to bounce back after a loss or enjoy the little wins.
After that, I became a Chelsea stan. Up blues!!
LOL. How did you get into football?
My twin brother — Chima — taught me to play. When I was 5, we’d go to Ile Ewe field to play what we called kpako football. That’s the kind of match that always ends with some kind of scratch or bruise. I played with my brother’s team. I was the only girl, but I didn’t mind.
Between our four older siblings and parents, my brother and I were the closest. We did practically everything together, but sports was our main thing. He showed me how to play tennis, and we’d stay up watching basketball on TV. I used to pull off the buttons on my shirt and we’d use biro covers to push it around like a ball. Football was the only thing we didn’t do together, so I begged him to teach me.
What was it like playing football with guys?
Rough at first, then we became best guys. The first time I played, one of the guys set leg for me. Instead of saying sorry, he laughed. Of course, my brother slapped him. He was always so protective.
After that, everyone got the memo and treated me nicely. We became a team. They also started calling me the “Queen of football.”
Was your team good or trash?
With each win against an opposing team, we went ballistic with excitement. Even when we took an L, we cheered each other on. That love in the face of anything made me love the game. Football became my passion.
My brother and I shared seven years of that passion together. I was 12 when he died. After that, loving the game wasn’t the same.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you. Not only did I lose my best friend and backbone, I was also fighting for my life.
I fell sick hours after hearing the news. My appendix burst. There was no time to process that he was gone. I went in for the surgery and dealt with a dry cough and pneumonia while recovering. It was hard.
How did you cope?
I became a tomboy. LOL.
For a long time, I felt empty without him. He died in January and by March, my mum moved only me to Abuja because she got a new job. She wanted to keep a close eye on me while I recovered, but I hated it. Without my brother, I felt alone. So I started wearing his clothes to feel close to him and also prove to him I could be strong.
That’s how my tomboy era started, which my mum hated. I didn’t care though. It was the only thing that kept me sane until 2009.
What happened in 2009?
At that point, home was more frustrating. My siblings and dad had joined us in Abuja. And my mum couldn’t hold back her hatred for my clothes anymore. Maybe it made her think of Chima, but we weren’t close enough to open up to each other. When I was 14, my mum yelled at me for my new style and my siblings beat me for being heady about it. I didn’t have anyone in my corner.
My dad tried to be there for me, but nothing compensated for my brother. In 2009, I wanted to end it. I took some of my mum’s diabetic pills and locked myself in the room. But I couldn’t do it.
I made a promise to Chima, and I wanted to keep it. I was going to get as rich as we planned to and name my son after him. I couldn’t do that if I was dead.
I’m so sorry you went through that alone.
It’s okay. I didn’t feel alone — I felt he was with me. I probably had on one of his shirts.
And football? Did you think of going pro?
Never. Playing the game was purely for fun. I never stopped loving football; it was my strongest connection to him. I just didn’t watch it as much.
Before I left for Abuja in March 2007, I wanted to try playing football again. It had been almost two months since the surgery, and I was bored of sitting at home. I missed the guys at the pitch, but I couldn’t play without Chima. There were too many memories.
I still wanted to play though. So for the first time, I played football with girls.
First time?
Yeah. When I was younger, the girls on my street liked to play ten-ten or suwe. I found jumping, clapping and singing quite annoying. The only game I could manage was seven stone.
But you liked chasing a ball for 90 minutes and shouting “it’s a goal?” Gotcha.
LMAO. Yes! It’s better than shouting “ten ten”.
LOL. How did playing with the girls go?
I can’t even call what we played football. No offence to my friends that might read this, but they were playing rubbish. It was like they had never played football. Their penalty and corner kicks were so weak. It felt like we were running around the field playing suwe. Gosh! I wanted some kpakofootball. After a few games, I just stopped playing.
LOL. I’m assuming you picked up something else?
Yes. Writing became the easiest thing I could do. I penned down my thoughts and wrote about fictional characters. When I wasn’t doing that, I read books for an escape. If I wasn’t doing that, then there was a bit of dancing. It lifted my mood.
In between, there was cooking. Actually, cooking was the only connection I had with any other sibling — my older sister. When I wasn’t at the pitch as a kid, she was teaching me how to cook.
In 2011, I started saving up for culinary school. I wanted any excuse to leave my house. Whenever my siblings sent me on errands, I’d add an extra ₦1k or ₦2k to their bill. At least all the waka waka had to pay. By 2013, I had enough for a six-month culinary course. I knew the basics, so the chefs taught me to cook continental dishes like onion soup and Chinese noodles. No one in my family knows I took that course.
At this point, how were you feeling?
I was attempting to live my life. I got into uni a few months after the course. Pursuing a chef career wasn’t something my parents would’ve accepted. I ended up studying English. When I graduated in 2017, acting became the next phase of my life.
In 22 years you went from writing to cooking to acting. Why?
Call it exploring. I was trying to find something that was as good as sitting to watch a game and made me good money. Acting only lasted for two years. Within that time, I starred in about eight to nine movies. My career was growing, but I wanted a break from it. I was tired of the rush of call time, rehearsals and late nights.
I sat down one day and decided to pursue my cooking career.
I’m curious: in all the things you’ve tried, what has been the closest to making you feel how football did?
I’d say cooking, maybe because it’s the most recent development. Watching people eat and love my food gives me joy.
But football will always be my number one love. Every time I sit and watch a game, I feel connected to my brother. I still miss him, but I have fewer moments of feeling so empty without him. As I’ve moved around, I’ve lost most of Chima’s things. I outgrew the rest. My mum and I have never talked about what losing Chima meant to either of us. Maybe one day.
As your life continues to evolve, what’s one thing you wish you could share with him as an adult?
When we were younger, he dreamt of being a Catholic priest. I always wanted him to ordain my marriage. Now, I have to live with that dream as only a memory.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
In March, we’re bringing to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: The woman that misses an old friend
To: Chimdi, the friend whose values changed
Dear Chimdi (Chim),
Writing this letter feels weird because these are things I’ve never been able to tell you. It’s been three years of being friends, and in two of those years, this letter will be the most honest I’ve ever been about us.
I always saw you in church but didn’t really notice you because, well, we were in church. We finally spoke at a conference rehearsal in March 2019. That day was another chaotic Saturday of practising hymns, which I absolutely hated. Everyone did nonsense during practice if someone didn’t conduct them. We were 30 minutes behind schedule that day, and people were either gisting outside the hall or pressing their phones. I was getting pissed and decided to take the piss and lead. But I guess you were thinking the same thing because you beat me to it. Your voice, bringing the whole church/choir to order was effortless and powerful. I wanted to talk to you after that.
I started to notice you. I’ll never forget that blue skirt you loved to pair with a yellow blouse — thank God I taught you some style, sis. Your personality was as bubbly as the odd colours you loved to pair. You were everywhere. If there was an event or meeting, Fiona had to be there. Most of the time you were in a rush to leave after church —just a few “Hellos”, “How was service” and “Oh! Your dress is nice” greetings. Everything was still on the surface; I wasn’t sure you were a friend yet.
It had been six months of the light pleasantries. Crossover night in 2019 was when it really clicked. I admit I was a bit lonely then. I had just finished school and moved back to Abule Egba and life felt a bit bland. Thankfully, some church guys snuck in some alcohol during the service. We bonded over vodka on the church stairs while our parents were shouting, “Holy Ghost!” in the hall. Laughing over smuggled alcohol made me feel close to you, so warm inside. . That was the first time I wasn’t weighed down by the uncertainties of a new year during those final minutes of the previous year.
We became real friends that night. I finally had someone I could open up to — a confidant. My favourite memory of us is still our first-night clubbing in Lagos. It’s one of the last moments our friendship felt… real. Real in the sense of being that girl, I could open up to and connect with.
That night, you dressed up in a fire bodysuit and leather skirt, and I had my slinky ruched dress on. I remember it like yesterday. There was no overthinking or fear. You trusted me enough to plan the night. We drank, toasted to the years ahead and danced all night. I was happy until that guy showed up. If I knew the moment wouldn’t last, I would have held you back when he walked up to say hi.
The night you met Fred*, our relationship changed. I could see he thrilled you. His beard, money, the parties, the clothes — they gave you a high. As the months went by, our conversations became stiff. You didn’t want to talk about getting jobs anymore or going to school for our master’s. It was all about Fred and the things he did. I was fine with your happiness, but the day I pulled back was when you mocked me for going to work. “Na you dey stress yourself for money now,” you said.
Chim, that moment hurt me. You knew I was working so I could get by. I needed your encouragement, Fiona. I needed the friend I could spend hours talking to about anything.
I hated having to filter our gist. Every time I opened up to you about a plan, it went left. But did I learn? No. I still ran to you for advice. I finally learnt my lesson after you convinced me to spend my rent money on a visa that I should have guessed wouldn’t work out. I started to hold back. I hate it, but I have to.
It’s weird not being able to open up to you and still call you a friend. We still drink alcohol together and go out to parties, but there is no depth. We don’t talk about the future we hoped to have anymore, the women we dreamt of being, the men we wanted to meet. I may have outgrown this friendship, but I’m too scared to admit that.
Regardless of the awkward shift in our friendship, I want you to know that I still love you, Chimdi. I miss the girl that made me laugh while we sipped vodka on the church stairs. You are kind-hearted, sweet and no-nonsense. In the middle of all the partying and nights out, I’m amazed at how you now take care of your family. I love that we can still share a drink and laugh at my balcony while we talk about the stress of adulthood. I know things are different and life will continue to impose unwanted change on us, but I’ll be happy for even a crumb of the moment we had that first night at church.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Today’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is Omotoke Fatoki, a 29-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about how growing up with her grandmum and dad spiked her curiosity for Nigerian cultures, falling in love with the north during her tour across Nigeria, and tips on travelling with a broke girl budget.
Tell us how you decided to go on a trip across Nigeria.
Culture is important to my family. Most of my childhood was spent with my grandmum and dad. My grandmum was pretty old-school. If we weren’t using firewood and cooking with clay pots in the backyard, she was sewing her aso-oke into new dresses for me. My dad stayed true to his origins in Ogun state. Our surname — Fatoki — was the strongest link to his Yoruba roots. Even while we lived in Lagos, he stayed connected to his family and roots.
Although my grandmother raised me as an Anglican, experiencing their different beliefs made me open-minded and curious. I wanted to explore how people lived. But that couldn’t happen until I figured life out.
What did you do?
By 2016, two things had happened: I was done with uni and the 9-5 life wasn’t for me. I started a music career and eventually moved on from it because it wasn’t working out. On the side, I did other things to get by. I worked as a brand manager for artisans, a personal shopper for families during the weekends and managed a few social media accounts. Lagos was stressful, but in between all the hustle, I tried to explore its different parts.
I visited a few restaurants, but I was more interested in museums and art galleries. Nike Art Gallery was one of my favourite places because the artwork showcased Nigerian culture. Beyond that, Lagos didn’t have a lot of places that captured my interests. Eventually, I got bored. I was tired of living in a bubble.
There had to be more, but when Nigerians talked about travelling anywhere else, it was always Canada. I mean,I couldn’t blame them. A part of me also thought I’d end up getting married and moving to Canada.
But you didn’t…
Yeah. Spending all those years with a father that talked about origin and roots made me appreciate home. I definitely wanted to see outside of Nigeria, but first, I wanted to explore my immediate environment. So in July 2018, I decided to take a road trip. Osogbo was the cheapest place I could swing.
Sweet. What was it like being outside your bubble for the first time?
Revealing. Unlike Lagos, Osogbo had hills. The waterfalls were my favourite part to see. I didn’t plan it, but I also got to experience the Osun-Osogbo festival. It reminded me of my father’s practice with Ifa, but this procession was for the Osun goddess. After that, I had questions: What did other Nigerians believe? How was religion shaping lives? I wish we were taught this in school.
I decided to take a trip around Nigeria and that’s how I mapped the next year out on the road. I made a plan to document my trip and called it “Toke on the move #36of36.” As I hopped on buses, trucks and bikes between states, I captured everything online — food, festivals, people. 2019 was quite an adventurous year.
Tell me about the adventure.
From Lagos, I travelled to Ibadan, Ogun and went through the southwest. Beyond the waterfalls in Osogbo and Kwara, the culture in the west is similar across the states. I could sense some of the fast-pacedness of Lagos and religion was also diverse. There were Christians, Muslims, traditionalists and, this one surprised me, people who worshipped trees.
As I moved out of the west, the people became slower, chilled. The south-eastern states didn’t have many waterfalls or hills, but the culture was rich. The market squares always had a celebration. Walking down a street, I could find myself in the middle of a festival with masquerades running around. It was odd but fascinating.
If you had to pick a favourite place from the south, what would it be?
Akwa-Ibom. It felt like everything Nigeria should be — a place with clean roads, nature, access to clean water and constant electricity.
I’m curious, how were you able to fund this baby girl lifestyle?
Hm. I was making ₦25k–₦30k from managing social media accounts, which covered very little of my expenses. I had to pay for transport, accommodation, feeding and a bit of sightseeing. A girl was broke. I had to learn a few tricks. The first was staying with the locals rather than hotels. There were always families kind enough to let me stay for a few days, and I never had a bad experience.
As my waka waka continued and I documented it online, I slowly became a brand. My audience began to call me “Alárìnká”, someone with no direction.
Why does this sound like a curse?
LOL. I rebranded it to fit my identity. Alárìnká became “the ones who love to see the beauty of the world”. As I shared my journey, the community grew. I got donations to explore more places. Who am I to say no to money? When that didn’t come in and I was low on cash, I took money from loan apps to fund my travels.
Loans?
I wasn’t worried. There were brand partnerships on the table. Africans in the diaspora were already booking me as a tour guide in Nigeria. Things were looking good.
By 2020, I was in what became my favourite region — the north. It was the last leg of my journey and I was running on money I made from selling out Alàrìnká t-shirts.
So the north. What was that like?
Huge! In Taraba alone, it took six to seven hours to get to another locality. There was so much to see. I called it a magical land.
When I decided to go, I wasn’t sure what to expect. People said so many things. “The north is unsafe,” “It’s under duress.” “How can you travel alone as a woman?” Honestly, I didn’t care. One morning, I set out for Kano. Like Lagos, it was a huge commercial town. I visited the city without a hijab and walked around freely — no harassment, nothing. Just like other states, I stayed with the people, and they were kind. Then the street food? Masa was amazing — efo riro made it even better.
The north seemed like a beautiful ruin.
Why?
There’s a lot of suffering Nigerians don’t see.
For instance, Ikyogen in Benue State was an attraction I wanted to hike and explore. When I arrived, the reality was different. Right beside Ikyogen, there’s a refugee resettlement camp. People fleeing from Cameroon or Boko Haram attacks ended up there. It was sad to see.
In Taraba, I met kids paddling people across the Taraba river to make money. Some were selling rice to tourists, but how many people travel to Taraba?
That’s sad.
Yes. The north is very isolated from development.
Besides interesting food combinations, what’s the craziest thing that happened on a trip?
In Bayelsa, I was almost abducted. I was going around taking pictures and didn’t know it wasn’t allowed in certain communities. Next thing a group of people rushed up to me and tried to take away the camera. I explained I was just a traveller. For some reason, they suspected I was a spy. After a few hours, they sha let me go.
And that didn’t stop your journey?
They let me go, didn’t they? Call it coconut head, but you only live once.
I hear you. So how was the rest of the trip?
Amazing. I made so many friends along the way. Bike men were my OGs because they always knew the affordable spots to see and it was the cheapest way to move — there’s still one from Taraba that calls me all the time. I ate good food and explored more cities. I lived life on the edge and loved it. The last state I visited was Kebbi. The best part was finishing the trip on International Women’s Day in 2020
When my trip ended, I had big plans for Alàrìnká. Sadly, the pandemic shut things down.
Aunty Rona did us dirty. What happened?
Omo. First, I lost the files on my camera. Everything went to shit from there. As countries shut down, brand deals went off the table. Eventually, I had to sell my phone to get some money. I still got by on managing social media accounts, and then in 2021, I started learning web development.
A travel and tech babe
LOL. Travel can’t fund itself.
So financially, are you in a better place?
Yeah. Things got better in 2021. I’ve hacked the travel life on a budget, so I got into travel consultation for NGOs.
Now, I’m focused on travelling for impact. I want to connect more communities like what I found in Benue and Taraba to NGOs with the resources to help. I’m really passionate about educating more Nigerians. There’s a lot more we can do for each other.
Any plans on travelling outside Nigeria?
Yes! I’ve ticked Ghana and Cote’d’Ivoire off the list. In 2019, I was sponsored as a tour guide to Benin Republic. I don’t know where’s next. Everything outside Nigeria is expensive.
Any interesting food?
I tried rice and okra in Cote’d’Ivoire, but the Yoruba girl in me was screaming.
LOL. Never again.
In 29 years, you’ve experienced so much. What’s next?
Honestly, I’m still figuring it out. There has been some clarity since 2018, but there’s still so much to do. For now, I’d call this chapter Alàrìnká: A woman living on the edge.
As we celebrate women’s month this year, Zikoko is all out for all the women breaking the bias. In this article, we are raising a toast to women from the 90s that made moves in their times. Here are a few of the African women that paved the way for us.
1. Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti (1900-1978)
If you don’t know Funmilayo, I want you to go and fight your social studies teacher. This is the woman that gave us the legendary Fela Kuti. Funmilayo was an African feminist and dedicated her life to the cause. She organized tax strikes against economic policies negatively affecting women and was very vocal in the call for an end to colonial rule. To top all this up, she was the first Nigerian woman to drive a car. Yes, Funmilayo was the “It girl.”
2. Yaa Asantewaa (1863-1923) — also known as Queen Mother of the Ejisuhene
Beyond being queen mother of the Asante people, Yaa was a badass woman. What do you think you’ll be doing at 60? As for Yaa, she was leading the famous Asante uprising in 1900 against the British. It had been a long fight against the Brish troops. They had taken over their gold mines and were after something dearly important. The British troops were in search of what the Asante people called the Golden Stool, a symbol of their independence. The troops went village to village in search of it and left destruction down every part they crossed. The last straw for Yaa was the attack on a village with defenseless children. After the attack, the council of elders was summoned and as queen mother, Yaa was present.
Now here’s the badass part.
At the meeting, the men were afraid of retaliation. The British troops were well-armed and ready to kill anyone. For Yaa, that wasn’t a factor. She told the men to stay back and asked only the women to fight. In March 1900, Yaa mobilised Asante troops, and for three months laid siege to the British mission at the fort of Kumasi. In the end, the British troops overpowered the Asante troops. Yaa was captured and remained in exile for 20 years. The Asante protectorate did not receive independence until 1957 — 36 years after Yaa’s death. She might have lost the battle in 1900, but Yaa’s revolutionary act accounted for the fight to in Ghana. That’s why till today, she’s called “Keeper of the Golden Stool.” A queen we stan!
Feel free to call her mama Africa like the rest of us — yes, I’m claiming to be South African. Makeeba was a civil rights activist and singer. With growing up in a segregated town outside Johannesburg, Makeba was no stranger to the struggles in South Africa. She was a singer that used her songs to speak up against apartheid. When she travelled to the UK in 1959, to star in Come Back, Africa — a movie on apartheid. The role led her to the US, where she carried on her activism through music. Clearly, the South African government felt threatened. In 1960 our girl was banned from reentering the country. Even her passport was also revoked in 1963. Yet, Makeba was unmoved. She released even more revolutionary music. With popular songs like Pata Pata and grammy-winning album, An Evening with Belafonte/Makeba, Makeba was one of the first African musicians to receive worldwide recognition. Amapiano is not the only thing you should be thanking the South Africans for.
I know the title said it, but if you’re a feminist and you don’t know Huda, please, step down from your pedestal today. If Huda wasn’t pushing the rights of women as a feminist then, she was advocating for better governance in across the Arab world. Huda was a pioneering feminist leader and established the Egyptian Feminist Union in 1923. Essentially, she was letting the people know women were here to take over. She is one of the many women that fought hard to see Egyptian women living as the gorgeous gorgeous girls they are.
5. Mariama Bâ (1929–1981)
If you are a lover of books, this is the babe for you. Born and raised as a Muslim woman in Dakar, Bâ was very opinionated on the rights of women in Senegal. She was particularly opposed to the custom of polygamous marriages and was keen on the empowerment of women. Her frustrations were voiced out in her first novel, Une si longue lettre (So long a letter). Bâ ’s other literary works such as Scarlet Song and La Fonction politique des littératures africaines écrites also speaks to the role of women in building Africa. Get you a Bâ today.
Just look at that fro. This is a woman that knew how to fight. Literally. Rose was one of the first female Chadian soldiers. She strongly opposed Hissen Habré, a Chadian politician convicted for war crimes. In 1982, Rose fought against the dictatorship in Chad. Sadly, she was imprisoned in 1984 and tortured for eight months. Within that time, Rose was able to record and smuggle out the names of prisoners. Although she was executed for this act on May 15th, 1986, she’ll never be forgotten.
If you have female friends that ask for your advice, you’ll definitely recognise at least one of these nine girls. You may even be one of them. We’re all guilty, just catch your sub.
1. The coconut head
This girl? Problematic should be her middle name. She’ll come to your house to vent, cry and nod her head to all the wisdom you offer. Five minutes later, she’s doing the exact opposite. Time and time again you’ve asked yourself why you keep bothering yourself, but what can you do? Her chaotic behaviour is all the K-drama you need.
2. The once bitten never shy
She calls by 1 a.m. to complain about the same thing over and over again. It would be better if the problems were different, but it’s not. The sad part? You don’t have any other choice than to listen to her. Pele babe.
3. The unfortunate girl
Things never work out for this friend. There’s no advice that you give her that works out as planned. All you can do is commit her to God. There’s nothing you can do for her again. You’ve tried.
4. The girl with audacity
This is the girl you need to stop wasting your energy on. Not because she doesn’t listen to you, but because she calls right in the middle of doing everything you told her not to.
5. Always in deep shit
Her issues are bigger than life and you never know what to say when she starts ranting. This is the friend that needs more therapy than she cares to admit. But until then, you’ll be dealing with issues you can’t solve.
6. The ITK
She’s the one with all the issues and all the answers to them. This babe is the patient that self-diagnoses herself on Google before seeing the doctor. She comes with an issue but you won’t even get halfway through before she’s off. Don’t worry, she’ll be back.
7. The liar
Context is her problem in life. She’ll never give the full gist and expects you to magically solve the problem. It’s either she’s leaving out the parts that make her look bad, or the parts she knows you’d call her out for bullshit. Girl, nobody will beat you, speak your truth. We’ll forgive you for the sneaky link.
8. The girl that never has any issues in the first place
She doesn’t exist, but let’s pretend like she does
Today’s subject on #ZikokoWhatSheSaid is Samaria, a 29-year-old Liberian woman. She talks about learning to set boundaries with her mother, her amazing relationship with her father, and suddenly watching her 20s go by when he got diagnosed with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) in 2011.
You’re one year away from 30. What’s something you did in your 20s that you’re proud of?
Learning to take control and trust my decisions.
How did that process start for you?
It started with fear. The fear of my mother seeing her children end up like her siblings with a promiscuous past. She and my father’s goal was to instill the Christian faith in us. When the war in Liberia got worse in 2002, we moved to the United States. At that point, my mother made even firmer boundaries. It wasn’t unusual with other African kids, so I didn’t make a fuss. In America, the fear shifted to ensuring we were grounded in our culture — respect.
So when did things start to change?
When I was 16 and decided to attend an event with my boyfriend at the time — he was also Liberian. The event was in a different state and my mother was not having it, but I was stood my ground. My dad on the other hand? There was a way to wiggle around him. Honestly, I didn’t even care if they were both going to yes, I was going for that event. Till today, my mother reminds me about how that relationship yielded absolutely nothing. She’ll say “Remember that your boyfriend. Where is he now?
I swear, African mothers drink the same brand of water —
LOL. She will never let me forget it. I don’t regret it, though. It made me feel less overlooked in decisions that concerned me. I didn’t want her past experiences to keep holding me back. In that brief phase of rebellion, I’m glad I had my father. He eased up on the boundaries as I got older.
What was that relationship like?
We had the best conversations. He was a real funny guy — you could call him an OG. There was an afternoon in the car after school. We were having one of our random talks together, gisting away and laughing. In the middle of it, he turned to look at me and said, “Are there any boys interested in you?” I was 17 and had moved on from the Liberian boy, so no. Shrugging it off, his response at that moment kills me every time. “When I was your age, girls were all over me. I was handsome but nowhere as handsome as you are beautiful.” It cracked me up. My dad was everything to me.
A year later, things were different.
What happened?
He got diagnosed with ALS when I was 18. I had just finished college and was looking forward to the future when I was told my father had six months to live. My life shifted from planning my 20s to being a caregiver for my father.
I’m so sorry. How did you cope with that transition?
It was a different kind of horror. Because of the short time he had left,he couldn’t continue running his business, so my mother and I shifted to being the primary caretaker. The transition was seamless. I moved from being the baby of the house to taking the lead on making huge financial decisions and being emotional support. Talk about a plot twist.
How did that dynamic affect things with your parents?
Moving into an apartment I was paying for was the hardest part for my mother. But as my dad got worse, she had to relinquish control. We had to become teammates of sorts. She’d do the heavy lifting like bathing and clothing my father, while I handled the bills.
The toughest part was talking to friends that were moving on with life, doing everything we talked about. Exploring cities, saving up money because their parents could afford to cover the bill — everything my 20s should have been about. I loved my parents and I wanted to be there, but those were fleeting thoughts that crossed my mind. Especially when I was on the phone with my friends from college. We started at the same point, but our lives were now miles apart. Nobody could relate to my reality, not even my cousins that were the same age as me. I felt alone.
And your dad?
There were nights I sat by his side asking questions about the next step to take in life. When he eventually lost his ability to speak, I had to learn to read his eyes and spell words. It hurt to see my father gradually fade away. I missed the man he was — the man who teased me about boys just a year before. I remember travelling to Virginia for a family reunion. Usually, my dad would drive, but I had to ride with an uncle this time. After the reunion, no one was headed in my direction. My uncle needed to get to another state and it took time to figure out who would get me home. “If my dad wasn’t sick…,” I thought to myself.
I missed the stability and control I had. My friends were doing everything we had talked about at uni — travelling, experiencing life — and I felt stuck.
How did you deal with that?
Three years after my father’s diagnosis, I quit my job and applied for a Master’s degree.
Quit your job? How were you able to pay for it?
It wasn’t easy, but I needed it for me. I moved my parents to a smaller apartment. I took up part-time jobs and worked 40-hours a week to earn enough money to pay the bills. I still don’t understand how I did all that.. I knew God wanted me to complete that program because the odds were stacked against me the whole time.
So things got better?
Not exactly. I was focused on taking things one day at a time. The next goal for me was buying a house. I got another job and saved up enough money for a down payment when I was 25. Sadly, my father passed away in August 2021, three years later. I thought I wasn’t going to make it. My mother tried to console me, but the only words I could mutter were: “I can’t make it without him, I just can’t.” It was the first time I allowed myself to break down. The first time I took it all in.I had lost my best friend. I wailed like a baby.
Samaria, I’m so sorry.
Thank you. The doctors gave my father six months and he beat ALS by 11 years. I’ll never forget one of the last conversations we had. I asked him how he managed to be such a great dad and he said “I prayed to be the kind of father I needed to be for you, Samaria. I manifested it, pondered on it, and dreamed about it. I knew who I wanted to be, for you.” That’s the way I want to honour him. To give my own children the type of love he gave me.
Your dad was a real OG. How are things with your mum now?
Now that we don’t have to be partners, she’s starting to see me as just her little baby again. That’s not possible. I’ve already spent 11 years of my life making decisions for us. I hope she learns to trust that I can keep doing that. Maybe along the way, we’ll talk about how lonely it felt to take on a responsibility I wasn’t ready for after uni. The nights I stayed up worried about my next steps. For now, it’s more important for her to get through this grief. Losing a man you’ve loved for over 40 years is tough.
Tell me one thing you want to do in your 30s?
I’ll share two things. LOL.
First, I can’t wait to be Dr. Samaria after my PhD in the Hebrew bible.
Nice. And the second?
After travelling to Liberia for my father’s burial, I knew I wanted to experience more of home — family. In America, everything is a plane ride away. I miss being able to just walk down the street to see an aunt or cousin. I want to have a piece of my dad that America can’t give me. So every year, I plan on returning to Liberia for a holiday.
Even if I’m not making great money right now, I know it’s going to happen.
Small yansh got the accolade it deserved last year, but there are a lot more things slim girls are made to feel insecure about. In this article, Irene jay tells us how to rock being a slim babe in Nigeria with pride.
1. Value yourself first
Raise your head up and own the room when you walk in. No one can love you more than you. People can say you have such a pretty face, but if you’re not content with yourself, the complements fade. Love the collarbone you’re hiding, wiggle your small butt when the other girls are out on the dance floor. Don’t spend your whole life second-guessing yourself before you walk into a room. You’re too special to feel so little.
2. Say no to silly jokes
Nigerians struggle with boundaries but you need to enforce them — especially to the people in your life. Being slim is not a free pass to be the butt of every joke. If the flat-ass jokes are getting too much, tell them to stop. If they don’t, then that relationship isn’t worth it. Babe, cut them off until they learn to respect you.
3. Get over secondary school
Focus on the present. Let that scared little girl from JSS1 go. It’s normal to lose a bit of confidence when you see other girls going through puberty at a faster rate than you — girls were moving from bra tops to proper big girl bras, getting more attention from the boys and you felt left out. I understand the feeling and it’s okay, but half of those girls also felt ugly for different reasons. Free yourself from the shackles of secondary school insecurities, you’re beautiful, now and always.
4. You don’t have to be a model
Are we in Nigeria if someone doesn’t ask whether you’re a model every five minutes? However, that’s not a reason to chase a career in modelling. It was a way for me to earn money on the side in university and it’s blossomed into a career for me, but that doesn’t have to be the same journey for you. Your slenderness doesn’t automatically translate to a modelling career.
5. Work out if you want to
Girl, if you want to work out, work out. Anyone saying you’ll disappear is simply projecting their lack of discipline and insecurities about their body on you. Tune out the noise. Focus on the goals you have for your body, because those 30 minutes of jumping jacks will do a lot for your confidence.
6. Enjoy food
You need to stop being overly focused on eating food to gain weight. You have to love your body for it to do what you want it to. Enjoy your meals and feel healthy. Savour the taste in every bite. Find meals you love and cook them if you’re not as lazy as I am. At the end of the day, you just need to trust your body and treat it with love.
7. Stop worrying about collar bones
Repeat after me: baggy clothes do not make me look better. Dress for your size. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that your jeans make you look too skinny or that a dress makes your collar bone pop out. Accentuate your assets babe. Those legs are fire; rock mini skirts and flaunt it. Your small boobs would look so good in a dress with a deep plunge line. And your back? Girl, if you don’t have a dress that shows off your back, then you’re not living. Let your body lead the way. Stop holding it back.
8. The right partner will come
While loving yourself is important, your partner needs to gas you up as well. Don’t settle. If they make you feel insecure in fitted outfits, please dump them. There should be no room in your life for a relationship that makes you feel small. If they can’t grab the ass you have and be happy, they should pack their bags and leave.
9. When the right partner finally shows up, get out of your head
You’re not too skinny to be hot. Let your partner hold you. Get out of your head and enjoy the moment. No, your butt is not too hard. No, your laps are not too skinny. Let them pull you close, lift you up — just get out of your head to enjoy it. Yes, the plus-size babes are voluptuous hotties but don’t downplay your flexibility. Trust your body in all its slimness and revel in its beauty.
After exploring a bit of Kigali in this week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid, it was only right to see other African countries we need to have on our bucket list. We want you to live vicariously through these five Nigerian women as they share some of the African countries they’ve visited.
1. “My first solo trip was to Tanzania”
I spent 2021 saving for my first solo trip to Tanzania. It was my first time on a plane, so of course, I tried to play it cool, but I couldn’t figure out the belt. Luckily, the cute lady beside me showed me how to buckle it in. A few minutes after takeoff, I slept off until we landed in Tanzania. I had paid to spend the week at a resort before heading to Zanzibar the next week. Tanzania was beautiful. There were trees, vast lands of green and hills. The most exhilarating moment was the hike up Kilimanjaro — I almost peed my pants as we got higher up. To be fair, I was slightly drunk on that hike. The next day, I took a ride on a hot air balloon and it’s the most freeing thing to experience. Looking down at the lush greenery and slowly floating into the clouds made me feel like I was finally living life. And oh, the food. Everyone needs to try Urojo soup.
2. “ There’s nothing as elite as a VIP lounge”
In 2014, I went on a school trip with a friend to Ethiopia. It was a conference, and we were expected to deliver a speech on youth empowerment. I had been on international trips before, but it was the first time my destination would be in an African country. The best part was that I didn’t have to travel with a teacher. Well, at least I thought that was the best part until we connected with a minister and his special advisor on the flight. They ok it upon themselves to be responsible for us since we didn’t have a guardian tagging along. There were other complications with our accommodation for the trips, so they paid for our meals and hotel bookings. We arrived in Ethiopia in the middle of the night and it looked so beautiful flying in. We went into the VIP lounge and waited for the car to get us. I felt so elite. There were top guys in politics and we got to mingle for a bit.
Surprisingly, Ethiopia was quite chilly. I didn’t expect that. Other parts of the trip kind of went by quickly. The food looked great, but I was keen on sticking to familiar things like rice and meat — I’m not adventurous with food. I did try a dish called injera and it wasn’t for me. It felt like moist bread with meat. So yeah, not for me. Another thing, the women in Ethiopia are gorgeous. I’d love to go there again.
3. “Waakye and shito is everything”
I was in Ghana for a week in 2019. First off, there are traffic jams in Accra o. Yes, the type you sleep and wake up in. But I loved Jamestown and its colonial buildings and taking a tour at the Kwame Nkrumah Memorial Park. The night scene was amazing as well — drinking, eating waakye and shito. Trust me, when Runtown said, “Hope your love go sweet pass shito,” he knew what he was talking about. Shito bangs with everything. I filled a bag with it when I was leaving.
4. “Drunk nights in Morocco were the best”
In 2018, I was on a trip with my girlfriends to Morocco. One of them was getting married and we wanted one last trip as single pringles together. We were all in our thirties and every night was insane. The beaches are incredible — the water is as blue as what you see on TV. And the coconut cocktails were everything. I’d kill to have those drunk nights on the beach again. Let’s not forget the food. Brocadillos and macaroons were my favourite things to eat. I can’t lie, Morocco is expensive to enjoy, but I need to go there again. I need another drunk night on the beach, dancing in a bikini.
5. “ I loved yovo doko”
I was in SS2 and went on an excursion to Benin republic. I lived in Benin state and the school bus drove the class to Lagos. Our bus driver got lost on the way. I remember eventually getting to Marina and then Badagry. We spent three nights at Whispering Palms in Badagry before continuing our journey to Benin. The first thing I noticed from the border was how clean Benin Republic looked. CFA franc looked really cool, and the spending coins felt like I was spending UK money. I went to Dantokpa market in Cotonou and wanted to get some souvenirs. I felt I could have haggled the seller for a cheaper price — the Benin babe in me is still screaming. The rest of the trip was a lot of food. They were hard to pronounce but I remember trying yovo doko and it tasted like puff puff. Then there was amiwo with the mojo sauce and fried chicken.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Today’s subject for #ZikokoWhatSheSaid is Daniella Gaza, a 25-year-old Rwandese woman. She talks about her mischievous adventures in Kigali, the influence of her parents’ lives as refugees to chase a career in human justice, an unexpected turn after COVID, and a guide to a fun girls’ night out.
Tell me about growing up in Rwanda.
My father served in the Rwandan army, so my family lived in a military barracks in Kigali. For most of my childhood, his job took him away on long missions. I understood his absence was for our country, but I missed him.
While my father’s job took him away, my mother was also occupied with work. The fun part of Kigali was typically my younger siblings. I had two sisters and a brother — each born a year apart. We connected seamlessly because we were almost the same age. I’d say we were best friends, and it was exciting. For my mother, on the other hand, It was messy.
What do you mean by “messy?”
The mischievous misadventures of having four kids who were almost the same age. I’d imagine it was overwhelming for my parents. On one of those adventures, my siblings and I were bored. Since the neighbours were moving out, we decided to go to their empty house and play. It was easy to sneak away because the maids were distracted. We got in and found a sofa that looked abandoned. Apparently, it wasn’t. Our neighbour came back to find us jumping around in a fort we made from the cushions. He wasn’t mad about it, but that evening, my mother got the gist when she came back from work.
LOL. What did she do?
She yelled at us, but that was as far as she’d ever go. My parents were pretty relaxed — Rwandans are chill. There was never a time they’d beat us for our shenanigans. They didn’t know half of it, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have changed anything.
When I was 16, we started having arguments about going out. Kigali had a lit night scene, and I wanted to experience it. One night I didn’t get my parent’s approval, I snuck out for a birthday party. When I got back in, they were waiting for me in my room.
Ah…
Nothing happened. They just wanted to talk through it. There was a lot more freedom after that. So, a bit of rebellion went a long way.
Nigerian parents must not see this chat.
LOL. My parents never shied away from being vulnerable. Our hardest conversations were about their experiences as refugees in 1959 and the genocide of the Tutsis when they returned in 1994. Days without food to nights hiding in bushes — we talked about everything.
“Last last, you’ll always come back to Kigali” was the premise of their recap; a conveyance of hope for the future. It stuck with me, unconsciously. Moving to Canada for uni made me even more aware of the unsaid responsibility to represent my country and experience new cultures.
What was different about moving to Canada?
Nigerians. I met Nigerians. They were so loud about their culture — I loved it. Unlike Rwandans, they were cutthroat and direct. I remember getting into a conversation with two Nigerian girls. I was feeling their braids, and I walked up to let them know I loved it. They said they braided it themselves and I was lost. My mother never braided my or my sister’s hair, talk less of braiding it ourselves. If it wasn’t happening at the salon, then it wasn’t happening at all.
Then the cooking part. When I told them I was learning to cook, the exclamations were hilarious. I got plenty “Ah, by the time I was 10, I was already cooking…” Then they’d list dishes like ogbonno and their cherished jollof rice. In Rwanda, we didn’t have many special meals. There was fufu eaten with isombe (cassava leaves) and some beans, but that wasn’t something we ate often. Cooking wasn’t something we had to learn. Once we learnt to fry an omelet or cook mashed potatoes and a salad, we’re good.
My Nigerian friends showed me to braid my hair and of course, cook jollof rice. I’ll be honest, when I tasted Nigerian food, I knew Rwandans were missing out on something.
What’s that?
Flavour! LOL. I loved the samosa and mandazis (puff puffs) my mother makes on very special occasions, but when I went back to Kigali for holidays, I had to introduce my family to spicy food.
And?
They didn’t enjoy the peppery taste of stew or jollof rice.
LOL.
I met other Africans who grew up in Canada didn’t seem to care much about their cultures, then East Africans like the Burundians with cultures similar to Rwandans. But the Nigerians? From indomie to jollof and Wizkid, it was lit. Their flair for their culture made me just as proud to be a Rwandan in Canada. The intense cooking wasn’t for me though.
LOL. How did the rest of uni go?
I studied human justice and focused on women’s rights. It was something I always wanted to explore. My father’s dedication was an inspiration, but I really fell in love with the idea of justice in Grade 7. True-crime documentaries were my kryptonite and Les Enquêtes impossibleswas my favourite show. On the weekends, I spent the whole day waiting for it to come up on TV and binged. Seeing the witty ways lawyers represented their clients riled me up; they seemed invincible.
When I became a teenager, it was How to get away with murder that stole my heart. I wanted to be Annalise Keating; the woman in heels, red lipstick and a black briefcase walking into court. When it was time to choose, human justice was close enough to the dream.
Why women’s rights?
I wanted it for two reasons. First, women were key players in rebuilding Rwanda after the genocide in1994. 60% of the seats in parliament were held by us, and I wanted to be a part of those numbers. Second, I was a budding feminist that loved her country. Once upon a time, Rwandese women weren’t allowed to go to school. Our policies changed in 1994, but for many African countries, it’s stayed the same. I was hoping my degree would allow me to join the race for gender equality in Africa — the dream of every feminist.
I love it. How did that go?
The plan was to move back to Kigali to practice in a human rights firm, but the pandemic had other plans.
What happened?
There weren’t a lot of opportunities because of the lockdown. Initially, it felt like a nice vacation after uni. There were parties and one or two beers at the pub almost every night. I was having a damn good time and burning a hole in my pocket.
Tourism presented itself as an opportunity when a friend’s aunt wanted to expand her firm to Rwanda. At first, I wasn’t keen on it. I was worried about the big goals I had in human rights, but there weren’t a lot of options. My parents also encouraged me to try it, so I took up the job. It’s been one of the best decisions.
And the dream to become Annalise Keating?
I’m on a different path, but I’m still driven by the same passion to push Rwanda forward. From our mountain gorillas to the volcanic landscapes, we’re monetising the beauty of my country for revenue. Everything syncs to the future. If it changes, I can always circle back to human justice. Right now, the Annalise Keating dream is evolving.
Nice. I’m curious: did moving back to Kigali as an adult feel different?
Kigali had always been a small town, but moving back, it felt smaller. Everyone knew everyone. There were hangouts every night after work. I was either at the pub for a beer or a friend’s house gisting over a glass of wine. But enjoyment in Rwanda can leave you broke. I needed to find balance. Right now, if I need some downtime, I have a glass of wine and watch a true-crime documentary.
LOL. What’s a girls’ night out in Kigali like?
I never know what we’re celebrating, but Rwandans are always up for a drink. So we’d definitely go to a club or a pub. We’d eat brochettes and dance all night. While we’re hungover the next morning, I’d take you to see mountain gorillas at the volcano park. More beer after that.
I need to tell my boss to consider Rwanda for our new office…
Please bring jollof rice.
LOL. What’s your next plan?
My big girl dream is to take a trip around Africa and explore the food. I’ve ticked Tanzania off my list, maybe Nigeria will be next. Right now, I’m saving up for a new apartment. I stay with my parents and it’s great, but I need my own space. Some of my aunties think that kind of move will scare men, but the right person will find me.
Can’t relate. We’re on the streets here—
LOL.
Nigerian women gave you jollof. What’s something you want to give us?
French music. I want Nigerian women to experience the serenity of it. I’d say, start with Tayc. Play Le Temps to serenade the love of your life this week or yourself!
In this article, we’ll be sharing every type of girl you’ll see planning a girls’ night out. Catch your sub, because you’re one of the nine babes on this list.
1. The leader of the pack
She’s the self-proclaimed Beyoncé of the group. She’s the type A friend that plans everything to the T. She’s picked out dresses for everyone, venues for the evening and scheduled the best time for everyone to link up. She’s also the designated mummy that watches over everyone while they get wasted.
2. The friend with a boyfriend/husband
She believes she’s doing everyone a favour by showing up. She’s also rescheduled or cancelled plans at least five times in a row because she unapologetically chooses knacks over her girls. Tueh!
3. The sneaky link friend
This babe? Hm. She’s a dirty liar and a fraud. She’s probably back with that guy again and by that guy, I mean the one she swore with her life to never see again. She’s already got her text from her sneaky link and will ditch you all before the end of the night. Overall, she’s not a friend to trust.
4. The slay mama
She’s always late and overdressed. She’ll convince you about looking simple and come out with a full face of makeup. She’s a dirty liar with serial killer tendencies.
5. The obnoxious friend
She’s goofy and it’s cute, but sometimes she makes you want to kill her. She’s the friend that needs to be removed from the group and blocked because she’s constantly posting annoying memes and videos that don’t relate to the plans.
6. The conservative friend
She’s the workaholic of the group that needs to be pushed to have a good time. She’s not interested in anything that requires spending her own money. She’ll probably be the last person you speak to on the plans because all she wants to do is talk about budgeting. Loosen up girl.
7. The feminist and big spender
She’s the sugar mummy of the group and will probably be sponsoring the whole plan. She also annoys everyone with talk about the patriarchal system and why we can’t let them win. We manage this behaviour because she’s a wealthy woman in the making.
8. The foodie and enjoyment minister
She’s a girl’s girl and lives for the cute pictures and drunk nights together. Her only condition is to be fed. As long as it’s enjoyment, she’s there. She doesn’t need to be convinced to tag along with the girls for an evening out because it’s another excuse to eat ₦9k pasta.
9. The laidback chick
She’s all for girl power, but she always wants to be alone. She’s uninterested in the plans and will flake on it with her full chest. All she wants to do is drink a glass of wine in bed and snuggle into her blanket this evening. If she does decide to pull up, she’s wearing sneakers.
