heaven | Zikoko!

So you think you’ve dropped out of the heavenly race because of too much sin, and you just can’t change your ways. Don’t be sad. Here are some things about hell that’ll cheer you up.

It’s not Nigeria

The relief of being free from the shege Nigeria keeps throwing at you should be enough to make you appreciate a new scenery, even if it’s hell.

But you’ll see Lagos babes

With all the havoc they’ve wreaked on earth, you’ll definitely meet Lagos babes in hell, right next to the Yoruba demons. So just know you’re in for a fun time.

Your favourite artists will be there

There’s no gbedu in heaven, so if you know you still want to turn up in the after life, don’t worry yourself. According to every pastor ever, all your favourite artists will be in hell anyway. You’ll start to wonder if you even need heaven in the first place.

It probably won’t be hot for long

Some people will do ITK about God’s existence and land in hell for it. Einstein will probably be there with you, so tell me how y’all won’t figure out how to reduce the temperature. It won’t be hot for long. You’ll see.

You can get square with Nigerian politicians

The people who said snake swallowed money will be in hell too, take it from us. If you’ve wanted to throw hands, you’ll finally get your chance.

…and service providers

Think about the satisfaction of finally getting your pound of flesh from network providers and banks.

More fornication

If you love fornicating, you get a free pass with people like you for eternity. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll go to hell again? You’re already there.

What do you want to do in heaven sef?

You’ll be bored out of your mind if you make heaven. You already know chaos is your default setting, so there’s really no need to fight it.

NEXT READ: Best Sex Positions That Won’t Ruin Your Heavenly Race

Sheriff Alimi

January 23, 2023

Inside Life

heaven, Hell, hell fire, Inside life
Heaven? Hell? Prison? This quiz knows where you’re going in the afterlife.

Sheriff Alimi

October 11, 2022

Quizzes

Afterlife, heaven, Quiz
Since heaven is the goal, but your body is not firewood, here are some of the best sex positions that won’t ruin your heavenly race.

1) Missionary

The people that named this sex position knew what they were doing. It is simple, straight forward and as old as time. People that have sex like this will not be hindered from heaven because every single time you have sex in missionary, the good news is being spread. Something else might stop you from making heaven, but not this.

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2) Upside down Ojuelegba spinner

There is something very spiritual about the number three. Since three is such a holy number, a sex position that requires three people will definitely not ruin your heavenly race. However, since this sex position has also been used to summon demons, you should be careful.

3) 69

Yin and Yang, 6 and 9. Both different, yet very much alike. When these two polarising forces come together, it creates something beautiful and whole. It is such a poetic and spiritual position, and that is why it is one of the best sex positions.

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4) Cowgirl

The only way this position will not ruin your heavenly race is if you are the person on top. Being on top means being closer to heaven. If you are close to heaven then it will be easier to enter heaven.

5) Scissoring

The reason scissoring takes so much energy is because the act is one created to banish the devil out of your life, so you can focus solely in heaven. The heavenly race is a difficult journey, and for it not to be ruined, you need to engage in a sex position that is just as stressful as the race.

6) Doggy

There is something very primitive and primal about this sex position. It makes reference to a time before man was full of sin and guilt. With that logic, doggy also does not include the fear and guilt that comes from engaging in fornication or adultery. Doggy allows for you to be yourself, and be without sin or blame.

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Itohan Esekheigbe

June 9, 2021

Sex Life

heaven, Sex, sex position
Are you a good enough person to make heaven? Well, this quiz has the answer. Just pick all the nice things you’ve done at least once, and we’ll let you know whether your spot in the clouds is ready.

Be honest:

Pick every statement that is true:

I’ve helped my neigbour bring in their clothes when it was raining.

I’ve told my neighbour there’s light when their generator was still on.

I’ve helped someone change their N1000 to smaller notes.

I’ve lapped someone in public transport when their fare was not complete.

I’ve put bucket under the rain for my neighbour when they weren’t around.

I’ve admitted to not knowing the way when asked for directions.

I’ve shared my hotspot with someone who ran out of data.

I’ve saved a junior who was getting bullied in secondary school.

I’ve let people cut in front of me at a queue.

I’ve gotten up from a seat to give room for someone older or sick.

I’ve made room on my single seat so someone could share.

I’ve assisted a stranger struggling to carry something heavy.

I’ve gone out of my way to help children cross the road.

I’ve helped someone plug in their phone/laptop without them asking.

I’ve never told someone, “You’ve added oh”.

I’ve given a beggar N500 or more.

I’ve started a friendly conversation with someone who looked lonely in a social gathering.

I’ve returned money when accidentally given excess change.

I’ve held the door open for a stranger.

I’ve taken food/clothes to an orphanage.

I’ve donated to a stranger’s GoFundMe.

I’ve shared my umbrella when it was raining.

I’ve never answered a phone call in the cinema.

I’ve picked up someone else’s litter.

You checked off #{score} out of #{total}
Ah. You’re not a nice person oh. We are afraid of you.
You checked off #{score} out of #{total}
You’re very nice, but your spot in heaven is still loading. Be a bit nicer to secure it.
You checked off #{score} out of #{total}
Wow. You are such a good person. Your spot in heaven is ready.

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NerdEfiko

November 16, 2020

In Your Feels, Quizzes

heaven, nice, Quiz
No doubt it’s 2016, the year that people can be unapologetic about whoever they want to be.

Unfortunately, some people have chosen to be the gate keepers of heaven and chief judges of mankind at the same time. This Facebook user shared 18 things he believes will lead women to hell:
1. Wearing weaves.

2. Wearing hair attachments.

3. Making rubber thread.

4. Fixing brazillian weave.

5. Wearing lipstick.

6. Using nail polish aka “Cortex”.

7. Wearing eyeshadow, fake eyelashes and eyebrows.

8. Wearing make up.

9. Wearing bangles.

10. Wearing big or small earrings.

11. Wearing trousers.

12. Using eyeliner.

13. Wearing any form of jewelry.

14. Wearing short skirts and skimpy clothes.

15. Having tattoos.

16. Bleaching the skin.

17. Perming or dying the hair.

18. Watching “worldly”movies and soap operas.

Na wa o!

When the gate man of heaven comes on Facebook.

https://twitter.com/officialdaddymo/status/723040436063985664

When people always want to tell women what to do or wear.

https://twitter.com/zikokomag/status/722815249716346880

When you realise he kept repeating the same things. What’s the difference between attachments, weaves and brazillian hair please?

When people interprete scriptures in the most ridiculous manner.

When people condemn people to hell in the name of “preaching the gospel”.

Maybe all of us won’t make the heaven he’s talking about sha. But in the end, he’s not kuku God and he should just stop interpreting scriptures.
[zkk_poll post=29632 poll=content_block_standard_format_25]

Maryam

April 21, 2016

Gist

heaven, hell fire, Nigerian, Nigerian man, Nigerians

It’s not Nigeria

But you’ll see Lagos babes

Your favourite artists will be there

It probably won’t be hot for long

You can get square with Nigerian politicians

…and service providers

More fornication

What do you want to do in heaven sef?

1) Missionary

2) Upside down Ojuelegba spinner

3) 69

4) Cowgirl

5) Scissoring

6) Doggy

Questions

This is a question

Pick every statement that is true:

You checked off #{score} out of #{total}

You checked off #{score} out of #{total}

You checked off #{score} out of #{total}

9 Quizzes That Will Expose The Alcoholics Among Us

No doubt it’s 2016, the year that people can be unapologetic about whoever they want to be.

1. Wearing weaves.

2. Wearing hair attachments.

3. Making rubber thread.

4. Fixing brazillian weave.

5. Wearing lipstick.

6. Using nail polish aka “Cortex”.

7. Wearing eyeshadow, fake eyelashes and eyebrows.

8. Wearing make up.

9. Wearing bangles.

10. Wearing big or small earrings.

11. Wearing trousers.

12. Using eyeliner.

13. Wearing any form of jewelry.

14. Wearing short skirts and skimpy clothes.

15. Having tattoos.

16. Bleaching the skin.

17. Perming or dying the hair.

18. Watching “worldly”movies and soap operas.

Na wa o!

When the gate man of heaven comes on Facebook.

When people always want to tell women what to do or wear.

When you realise he kept repeating the same things. What’s the difference between attachments, weaves and brazillian hair please?

When people interprete scriptures in the most ridiculous manner.

When people condemn people to hell in the name of “preaching the gospel”.

Maybe all of us won’t make the heaven he’s talking about sha. But in the end, he’s not kuku God and he should just stop interpreting scriptures.