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We’re now in the month of Jesus’ birth and all the abroad boys and girlies will soon be making their way back to the country with one goal: Making their way back into your heart and pants. Say no to them.
Air their messages
It’s okay if they say you’re rude and disrespectful. Their opinions don’t matter; what’s important is that January 1st meets your heart intact in your chest.
Work through the break
If you have work to distract you, then you’ll have no time to see the innit boys and girls and fall prey to their schemes.
Clear them
Clear anybody that conveniently forgot you existed in the past 11 months, but have now remembered you in the 12th hour. Tell them you’re not interested in their fake love, and they can get lost.
Get in a temporary relationship
Yes, we know what they say about temporary solutions, but if the IJGB on your case sees a lover in your life, they might leave you alone and direct their gaze on someone else. It’s not foolproof because they might have “strong head” and take your fake relationship as a challenge, but you won’t know if you don’t try.
Bill them
It’s a win-win. They either run away and forget you exist or they fund your December. However it goes, you come out a winner.
Leave the country
Someone coming into Nigeria can’t reach you if you’re spending your holiday in another country now, can they? Pack your bags and make those plans today.
Fake an illness
We don’t know how you’ll explain that you’ve come down with a serious case of I-don’t-want-to-see-your-face-titis, but figure it out and get that IJGB off your back.
Of course, all these don’t apply to the IJGBs that refer to your mother as ‘mum’ and know your house address.
Christmas is just around the corner, and people are prepping their matching PJs and getting their photographers ready. But for some reason, you can’t stomach the thought of moving into the festive season with your current partner. We see and understand you. We also know how you can end that relationship so you can prepare for your soulmate.
Send “It’s over” veggies
We would say send flowers, but the dollar is on a steady rise;so is the price of fuel. So send a bouquet of ugwu, carrots, and scent leaves to show your appreciation for the love you shared.
It’s not me, it’s you
Instead of taking all the blame for the downfall of your relationship, tell them the truth: you had a great time together, but you can no longer deal with their bad character. If you return to your house soaked with water, charge it to the game.
“You deserve better.”
If they ask why you think so, refer them to your bank account. That should do the trick.
“I love okpa”
It’s the low-budget moimoi that’s out to get you. If you can’t even love yourself and choose better, how do they expect you to love them?
If all else fails, find whatever makes their skin crawl and act accordingly. Just don’t overdo it and end up becoming the creepy ex.
Japa
Tell them you’re leaving the country and you don’t believe in long-distance relationships. If they try to make you stay, report them to your mother as the weapon fashioned against you.
Tell them you need a break because you want the love you share to grow and blossom like never before. If they don’t believe you, remind them that absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.
Disclaimer: These are stand-alone tips. If you use them together, anything your eyes see, take it.
You might not have a boo for Burning Ram, but you’ll have all the eye candy and meat you desire.
You can try to deny it, but we all know this breakfast will touch everybody in the end. So instead of crying and just feeling miserable, try these fun things instead.
Go to the gym
And not only because you can put all your anger into getting a revenge body or get strong enough to fight your ex’s new partner. But with the number of people going to the gym nowadays, you may find your next love of life there.
Start a business
You may not even need capital for this business. Just take all the gifts they bought you, and the ones you bought for them too, and sell them online.
Date their family member
Find someone in their family and date them. If you can’t get their parents, go for their siblings. Because who says you can’t remain in the family just because one relationship didn’t work out?
Start a podcast
Everyone knows, the more chaotic a podcast, the more fun it is. So you’ll be sure to drag your partner and warn people about love. Maybe you’ll even blow in the process.
Attend an orgy
Because who’s going to stop you? You can now go out into the world and have all the sex you want without anything holding you back.
Become a musician
So many heartbreak songs, and you’re letting your pain go to waste? You better use your sense and cash out.
Research
Whether it’s finding books to read on how to be more wicked or the nearest coven in your area, do it. Because you can’t allow yourself to be a mumu twice.
Catfish your ex
You already know how this goes. Pretend to be someone else and wait till they’ve started to catch feelings before you ruthlessly dump them.
When you get your heart broken, you’re convinced no pain on Earth can compete with how you feel. Sure, your heart feels like it’s been stabbed every time you take a deep breath, but trust us, there’s worse pain.
Missing your flight
You’d never physically and financially recover from this. Every time you’re broke, you’ll remember you paid money for a flight you could’ve caught if you were just a bit earlier. The pain will be engraved on your mind for as long as you live.
Having hot coffee spilt on you
If it’s a really hot cup of coffee, you might get third-degree burns. Exactly.
You decide to take a stupid walk for your mental health, and midway, you decide to listen to some nice music. That’s when you realise you left your headphones at home. The silence is so loud you feel shame and disgust. The walk ends up making your mental health even worse.
Ripping your dress in public
You’re feeling yourself and showing off your latest dance moves when your enemies decide to strike. Now, not only has whatever you’re wearing ripped, but you also remember you didn’t wear underwear that day.
You’ve had a long day at work and you’re about to settle down to a hot plate of jollof rice with two pieces of meat. But once again, your village people take your joy personally and need to destroy it. How? By awakening your clumsy genes. Now, your jollof rice is all over the floor and your meat has rolled under your sofa, where you last saw your house rats hiding. You’re left hungry, angry and vengeful.
Your phone not charging overnight
On one of the few occasions the national grid hasn’t collapsed, you have light all through the night. You’re ecstatic because you have a long outing tomorrow and you need a full battery. By the time you wake up, your joy is short-lived. You forgot to put on the switch. Your phone? Dead. Power bank? Dead. Source of joy? Dead.
ATM swallowing your card
Life is hard enough, so why is an ATM becoming your biggest opp? And it’s your last 1k you wanted to withdraw. The Devil is working really hard.
Part of being in the streets is flirting with the idea of leaving and finding love, but never really doing it. If you’ve been saying “God when” since God-knows-when, come and catch your sub here.
But the moment you experience any of these nine things, know that your streets days are numbered.
You keep catching the bouquet at wedding parties
This should be your cue that it’s time to bounce. If you don’t leave the streets after catching at least three bouquets, whatever you see, just take it like that.
You cringe at romantic videos
If you ever feel like slapping the people in romantic videos, then maybe it’s because it’s biting your body and you can’t wait for somebody’s son to find you.
Your friends keep tagging you on posts about single people
But you shrug it off because that’s just the cost of keeping your peace of mind.
You keep saying “God when” to every love story you hear
Even when you know fully well that you’re the one doing this to yourself.
You’ve stopped saying “God When” because you know God has blocked you
Even God is tired of hearing your “God when” all the time.
You’re losing your touch, fam. You’ve done your part and it’s time to retire from the streets.
Your talking stages start lasting longer
Have you forgotten the “no commitments” rule? You don dey lose focus. Shey breakfast no dey fear you?
There’s no one left to go to the club with
Most of your folks are getting comfy with their partners but you’re outside with the last two remaining members of your crew, screaming, “We outside!” at 2 a.m.
When you finally take our advice and leave the streets for good
We’re not saying you won’t be back, but at least rest a little.
While we all like to think we remain bad bitches even in love, this simple quiz will separate those that break hearts and those that get their hearts broken.
Breakups are hard, whether we admit it or not. A terrible breakup can have you in bed, weeping and refusing to eat for days. Even when it’s a mutual agreement to part ways, you might still struggle to navigate it.
Some people get over heartbreaks faster than others and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But for us slow lovers, here’s a list of things that helped me get over my own break up.
Don’t lie to yourself
First, don’t lie to yourself about what happened. It has happened and there’s no going back. Also, forget about getting back together. It does you more harm than good.
Don’t stalk them
Don’t read their tweets hoping for an inside joke or subs about missing you. They have new jokes now, new experiences you’re not part of, and you have yours too. This is a call to look at what’s in front of you.
Remember that they are not your person, not anymore. This means you won’t get updates on what they’re up to, if they got their visa, when they’re leaving or if they like the new girl they’re seeing. None of these concern you. You will learn to mind your business.
Don’t contact them
Don’t send them messages trying to check how they are doing, especially if you didn’t end your relationship on good terms. Remember that before you, they were okay, and after you, they’d still be okay. This also applies to you.
Cry
Cry when you want to. Hold yourself when you cry. There’s no use pretending you’re bigger than the hurt. You are a person who feels things. This too shall pass.
Fall in love
Fall in love. Not just with people but with things. Go outside, breath in air tainted with humanity. Go to the beach, watch how the waves come and go. Remind yourself that life is in cycles.
Talk to your friends; let them soothe you. Tell them about the pain. Don’t feel like you’re being a burden and no one wants you. They want to be there for you, so let them.
Affirm yourself
Remind yourself that you’re still the sun. Acknowledge your part in the breakup. Make your pledge to be better. Make a home in yourself so when this happens again, you know your way back.
Hear Me Out is a weekly limited series where Ifoghale and Ibukun share the unsolicited opinions some people are thinking, others are living but everyone should hear.
Before you hunt me down on social media to cancel my ass, I bet you’re just as guilty of breaking your mum’s heart.
Think back to your many sins. Sure, maybe you’ve never been arrested or you’ve somehow managed to consistently call your mum once every week, but what about those times you broke curfew in her house? Hm? And let’s not forget the lies after: “Mummy, leave me alone. It’s not like I was drinking.”
We’re not perfect. We’ve likely disappointed our mums at least once. And okay, dads can come in. It’s Father’s Day tomorrow, so it would be rude to forget that their hearts are just as breakable. Which is what I’m here to say: You will break your parents’ hearts, and that’s not so bad. Trust me, I’m not shouting it. I’m more like stuttering because this is one of those times the truth hurts like a bitch.
Right now, I’m talking to all my young adults who can’t ignore the desire to go out into the world and do their own thing. This is for us twenty-somethings who’d like to party literally all night, take that unpopular job and figure God out for ourselves.
So how do you grow up, even when your parents don’t want you to?
Build a fence taller than Otedola’s money. Breaking a heart always begins with setting boundaries. That’s why it feels like a gut punch when an ex blocks you on social media. It just so happens that this time, the people on the outside are also the same two people who bathed you for years, bought birthday cakes and prayed for you to “join a multinational company” after university. Of course, it’ll break their hearts.
You will break your parents’ hearts, and that’s not so bad.
I could tell that their relentless asking about my life, salary and every move was their attempt at guiding me, but I knew better. There are many ways to say it, but always, it’s the same thing: Your parents will only begin to recognise you as a separate and capable individual after you’ve cut them off kindly.
Say “no,” and make sure they hear you. Till today, my parents can’t understand why I’m growing my hair out. Every time they ask, I fling some version of “I’m trying something new” at them. Casually like that. I know the image of me they hold in their hearts and the son they see on the WhatsApp video call are worlds apart. Once, they sat me down and begged me to get a haircut. “Look responsible.” I said no.
When you stand your ground, your parents will get mad or sad or really quiet and confused; it’s all okay. Part of growing up is making your own decisions, consequences and all. This is what our parents want for us, whether or not they realise it.
Finally, make space for them. Because bless their hearts, they’re trying their best. It truly is not easy to watch a child grow and go. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to see your child brave the world by themselves. You know how babies are born and it seems everything on earth is somehow designed to end them? What if that feeling never goes away for our parents? I can’t imagine it, but I try.
So once every week, I call from wherever I am to let them know I’m good and safe. I drive them to church on Sundays when I’m home, and we all take pictures together. I ask my dad what stocks to buy even though I already know the answer. Because I know my mum prays for me, and it comforts her to do so, I pray too. I even tell her when I’m travelling so she can pray extra, extra hard.
I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to see your child brave the world by themselves
Growing pains, I think they call it. Emphasis on the pains because damn, it breaks all of us. I have this friend who — mid-laugh — says, “you will heal” to me whenever something slightly unpleasant happens. And just like that, we’re laughing at that same unpleasantness.
If you’ve ever gotten your heart broken, then the person has probably used one of these words to break it. It’s just the way life is.
It’s not you; it’s me
Not only is this incredibly heartbreaking, but it’s so clichéd, I wonder why people still use it in this big 2022. At least if you want to hurt someone and chicken out of it, use more original lines nau.
“It’s not me; it’s you”
This is a bit more original than being told it’s all their fault, but that means you’d spend weeks thinking of what exactly you did wrong.
“We should just be friends”
This is the kind of demotion people pray against in church. Sure being friends is great, but how do you go from being in love with someone to just loving them?
When someone tells you not to contact them again, you must have tried before and they probably hissed when they read the message. Now you have to delete their number before you mistakenly try again after too many drinks.
“I never asked for you to do all of this”
The worst part about this statement? They’re absolutely right. You just have to pick whatever is left of your dignity and try to move on
If you get nine yrics correctly on this quiz correctly, you’ve experienced enough heartbreak for two people. You either fall in love too quickly or you fall in love with the wrong people.
Everyone likes to say Yoruba men are the most dangerous heartbreakers. Today, we ask you to reconsider that statement. These ten types of men are more dangerous than Yoruba men.
1. Edo men.
At least with Yoruba men, you know what you’re getting into. Edo men? Silent pistols. You better navigate with your eyes wide open.
2. Urhobo men
Urhobo Waado! Listen, Urhobo men are not lowkey. They do their evil and even dare you to do your worst. But will you do it? NO. You either lick your wounds in private or go back to beg them.
3. Ikwerre men.
Slow poisons, these ones. They will take care of you oh, just don’t do pass yourself by fighting his wife and other girlfriends. Maintain the peace so you can experience the peace.
4. Ijaw men.
Ijaw men are actually transparent, let’s be honest. They will show you what you are getting into, but you will go into it regardless because the knacks will be too good, it will cloud your judgement. If he is a willing spender, my dear, that is the beginning of your prison sentence. You will be getting heartbroken but you will stay there because you have been tied down by forces greater than you.
5. Kalabari men.
If a Kalabari man is on your case, please just go to the T-junction and offer sacrifices to your family deity. Don’t say anything, just run and carry the sacrifice before it gets worse. By the time a Kalabari man is done with you, even you will pity yourself.
6. Isoko men.
Word on the streets have it that Isoko men are the devil’s second-in-command. They don’t desist until the assignment is completed. Cover yourself in the armour of Jehovah, please.
7. Okrika men.
Okrika men will do you serious strong thing. Emphasis on “Serious”. It’ll be so bad, that you won’t even be able to speak of the great havoc that has been wreaked upon you. You will just become mellow.
8. Rivers men.
Are you ready for character development with a sprinkle of tears? If that sounds like your cup of tea, then go ahead. If not, please just run.
9. Igbo men.
*deep, Negro, spiritual sigh* Those who know, know. Don’t wait till you experience it, it is better they gist you about it.
10. Anioma men.
Please just run. You want to bam ba? You want to chill with Anioma men? Omo, when it’s all over, you will run kiti kiti and kata kata.
This quiz is not for the fainthearted. If you think you’ve grown immune to heartbreak, we might have some bad news for you. To prepare your mind, take this quiz to find out how many heartbreaks you’ll take before you finally meet the love of your life.
December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we’re here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it’s her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you’re switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She’d be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she’ll give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man’s heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food – before you can breathe, “When are we going to try that new restaurant?” Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you’re feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won’t meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. “Folake would never…” or “Chinasa always made it this way.” Do this once or twice and she’ll either poison you or leave. It’s a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, ”Take risks and succeed.”
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has “Megan knees” until it’s time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she’ll start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
[newsletter]
5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying “Yes,” which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it’s already the second day of December, so we’re running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with “Ok”
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is “Ok”? There’s no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there’s no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it’s always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn’t do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you’ll look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
We’ve all been there. That moment when you show interest in someone and they either say “No thanks. God bless” or “I’m on a journey of self-discovery”. Those moments feel like a stab to the heart. To my brothers going through the struggle, we see you. Here are 5 ways to handle rejection in 2021.
Become a rapper and drop a diss track (or album)
All your favorite rappers have that one song written to remind their secondary school girlfriends that they’re successful now, while the girl is out there probably married to a loser. Does it matter that LOYL has happily moved on with a successful tech bro? No! Does it matter that you can’t rap for shit? No! The only thing that matters here is how you feel. So book that studio session today. Watimagbo!
Fake enjoyment on social media
The best way to get back at someone who rejected you is to show them that you don’t care. As a matter of fact, show them you’re living your best life. Whether that life is real or not doesn’t matter. So, borrow one of your female friends and do “My view, her view.” Crash a neighbor’s game night and post pictures from it on your IG stories. Download holiday videos from TikTok, and pass them off as yours (Nobody’s going to know) And as the cherry on top of this sundae of lies, spend all your savings on a new car. There’s no way she won’t be jealous after all this.
Sew a thread on Twitter
If you’re not a writer with a good sense of humor, this might flop harder than the Nneka the Pretty Serpent remake. We advise you to hire a good writer to make a long ass thread about how people don’t understand your potential in life. Bonus points if you cite a couple of brothers who went from grass to grace, like Olamide and Jay-Jay Okocha. You will look pathetic, but it’s all part of the process.
Work hard so you can buy her father’s house
What better way to get revenge on the person that broke your heart than buying their family home? It’s time for you to develop the next FinTech app and make enough money to become her father’s landlord. She’ll probably look back at the time she rejected you and scream “Had I known!”
Just Cry
Now that you have failed at all the other things on this list, it’s time to play Enya and just have a good, ugly cry. We get it. Life is hard. But stay strong, bro. One day, someone will accept your offer of love.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Today on Interview With, we invited Breakfast to the Zikoko office. Heartbreak and Morning Food showed up. Here is our interview with the both of them:
Zikoko: Hello, good morning. Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.
Breakfast: Thank you for having me.
Zikoko: We understand you have a busy morning ahead of you, so we will wrap this up quickly.
Breakfast: That’s fine by me.
Zikoko: In your own opinion, what is the most nutritious breakfast to eat?
Breakfast: Oh, that’s simple. It can be in different forms. For example, finding out that your partner of five years cheated on you is one very nutritious breakfast. A serious talking stage ending in tears is also another nutritious—
Zikoko: Wait a minute. Which breakfast are you?
Breakfast: The heartbreak one.
Zikoko: There has been a mistake somewhere. We invited the actual Breakfast, morning food.
Breakfast: Oh. One of us really needs to consider changing our name.
Zikoko: How did you even come to be called “Breakfast”? What happened to being called good old “heartbreak”?
Breakfast: I am sure you will agree with me that there are some heartbreaks that fill you up like food. You will collect it and be unable to eat. You’ll just be drinking wine or water. In fact, you can even vomit what you did not eat. All because a Yoruba man broke your heart, or you found out that your serious Igbo girlfriend who went home to visit her family actually went to do her traditional wedding. That is when people say, “They have served you Breakfast.”
Zikoko: Omo.
Breakfast: Left to me, I prefer to be called Heartbreak, but when people started telling their heartbroken friends that they have been served “Breakfast” after a serious disappointment, I said let me in come in and claim the name.
Zikoko: But why Breakfast? Why not Lunch or Dinner?
Breakfast: Well, Breakfast is an important meal, I guess. Imagine being heartbroken and telling your friends that you have been served lunch. The friend might even congratulate you on being able to afford a fancy lunch. But when you call your friend at past 9 in the night, shedding hot tears and saying you have been served Breakfast, then the person on the other end of the line will be forced to sit up straight because eating Breakfast at 9pm is very unusual.
Zikoko: Crazy things are happening.
Breakfast: Even Tems cannot deny that she has not eaten Breakfast before.
Zikoko: Wait oh. Me I thought this Breakfast thing meant good news sha.
Breakfast: Are you talking about that video of Ogogo saying, “Gbogbo wa lama je breakfast”?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7ol9MfmV3s
Zikoko: Ehen now. He said “All of us will eat breakfast, and each person’s time will be different.” So how did heartbreak enter this thing?
Breakfast: My brother, this is Nigeria. Good news is scarce. But everywhere you turn, heartbreak is waiting to French kiss you.
Zikoko: No, but—
Breakfast: Listen, Ogogo probably meant it as good news, I agree. But come to think of it, all of you will also eat the breakfast of heartbreak, and each person’s time will be different. Just like the angel of doom is knocking on everybody’s door, I, Breakfast is going round and round the earth too, looking for who to feed.
Zikoko: Let me close my mouth before I taste you.
Breakfast: A closed mouth is a closed destiny, don’t forget that.
[Door opens and the actual Breakfast enters]
Actual Breakfast: Sorry I’m late oh. I was delayed by one family.
Breakfast: Could it be that they served Breakfast to you, Breakfast?
Actual Breakfast: Who be this one?
Breakfast: I am Breakfast, the heartbreak edition. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Actual Breakfast: Please, I am not making any useless acquaintances. I need to rest. I have had a long and stressful morning. Are you Zikoko people doing this interview or not?
Zikoko: Yes, yes, we are still doing this interview. Heartbreak Breakfast, you can leave, please. We have had enough of you.
Breakfast: I will go. [Exits]
Actual Breakfast: See as e be like wetin I no know. Say na pleased to make your acquaintance. If you don’t leave here with your foolish English.
Zikoko: Erm, is this a good time? You sound a bit cranky…
Actual Breakfast: Why will I not be cranky? No, answer me. How will a respectable human being wake up and decide to eat Semo and Okro as breakfast? How? And it’s not even fresh Semo, it’s leftover Semo the person warmed.
Zikoko: Oh wow.
Actual Breakfast: If you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians all in the name of eating morning food, you will join me to weep. Some people will decide they want to eat Breakfast by 12 p.m., when I’m supposed to have finished my morning rounds. They will now summon me again. Why not just hold the hunger and eat your lunch by 2 p.m.?
Zikoko: Is there an official timetable stating that lunch must be by 2pm?
Actual Breakfast: Please don’t ask me foolish questions. Knowing your type, you probably eat breakfast by 1 p.m.
Zikoko: Oh not at all.
Actual Breakfast: I don’t even care. I just want you people to do better. Two or three slices of yam, fried egg and a cup of tea is decent. But if some Nigerians have not served a three course meal, they are not satisfied. Breakfast, but you people are serving eba and draw soup with shaki. You will finish eating, only to go and sleep at work or enter traffic to fight.
Look, sorry I’m ranting. I guess I am just having a bad morning.
Zikoko: It’s okay. This is a safe space, let it all out.
Actual Breakfast: Thank y… Oh great. This person that ate Semo and Okro is already calling for milk and Milo.
Zikoko: They want to drink tea after eating Semo?
Actual Breakfast: Now tell me why I shouldn’t be angry.
Life after a break-up can bring the worst out of us, especially if the break-up hurts more than expected. For this article, I spoke to 11 Nigerians about the worst thing they have ever done after a break-up. The answers prove something you might already know: break-ups don’t always sit right with us, and sometimes, we will do the most to get our partner back or get over them.
Michelle.
The heartbreak came from this person I dated for the longest period of time. We started dating two months to my 18th birthday, and the relationship lasted till I was 29 years old. That’s about 11 years of my life spent in one relationship with one person. Before university, he was there. University, he was there. After university, he was there. I had no reason to think anything was going to go wrong.
And then one blessed morning during the lockdown of 2020, he woke up and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” I nearly ran mad. Actually, scrap that. I ran mad. April and May 2020 remain a blur. For two months, I wasn’t normal. I cried everyday for five months. I would be inside a keke and be shedding tears, inside the bus and inside the church, I was shedding hot tears. Any song comes on like this, fresh tears would start. I don’t fast, but I fasted because of this man. I became a drunkard, and had a psychotic breakdown. I was on Olanzapine for about two weeks.
Uzoamaka.
When my ex cheated on me, I was pregnant. I was going through a lot then, and I used to blame myself, but now I blame hormones. When the cheating happened, I tried to kill myself. I was very suicidal prior to us being together so news of his infidelity was like a trigger. I ended up having a miscarriage. We are back together and I’m pregnant again, but I will be honest, I am scared shitless that he might cheat on me again.
Solape.
I met this guy shortly before graduating from university and I told him I didn’t have much time left in Cyprus since it was my last semester and I thought I would be back in Nigeria right after graduating. But COVID happened. He said we should date for the six months I had left and I happily agreed. Big error. This guy broke up with me on the day the relationship clocked six months. He said shebi it was six months we agreed to. Apparently, he was doing a countdown for the six months.
I have never been that heartbroken. It was so bad, I used to wake up to cry. He knew how much I liked him and he took advantage of it and I also let him. After we broke-up, we would hang out together, and he would tell me about the girls he was seeing and I’d be listening patiently while dying inside and pining for him. One time, I even made a playlist for one of his babes because I wanted him to still be in my life. My friends didn’t hear the last of his name, neither did my notes app. I was always documenting how I was hurting and I was always going back. I had no self-worth and I was willing to lose whatever dignity I had left. It really was the worst time of my life.
Yakaka.
The recent heartbreak was like 5 weeks ago sha. I was with my partner for almost nine months and it was really great but we had to end things. I always told myself that I was prepared for anything that comes because things end and life goes on. Omo, the day we ended things, I cried but after that I poured myself into other things and stopped paying attention to the pain. But see ehn, for the past three weeks, I’ve been a mess. I dey waka on road dey cry. I nor fit sleep for night. I have the video of all of our time together on replay in my head and it’s on a loop, these past days I’ve lost my appetite.
I have this overwhelming sadness that’s crippling, and I have no idea how to fix it. I’m just here, crying to bed and crying all through the day. It feels like I will never heal from this one. Almost looks like this is the end of the road for me. I never knew loving this person would hurt this much; in fact, I never even knew I was this in love with them. Yes, love is sweet, but when it ends, the sadness and pain it brings is a good enough reason to never fall in love again.
Binta.
When this guy asked me out for the first time, I didn’t like him. But he liked me, so I accepted. Two months into the relationship, I realised I had fallen for him, and that was when he started messing up big time. I would call him and he wouldn’t pick, I’d text and he would not respond. I struggled and managed the relationship till it was five months old. During the lockdown, everything ended. I called him a day to my birthday to inform him that my birthday was coming up the next day. I kid you not, his next words were, “Really? I don’t believe you.” Lo and behold, he neither called nor texted on my birthday. I decided to end it then. There was no official break-up, I stopped calling or texting and he never followed up. I loved him but I was hurting, and I discovered the musician Ali Gatie around this time. 1am in the midnight, I’d be mouthing the lyrics and crying over a guy who stopped loving me the moment I fell for him. I’ve healed now, but it was a sore pain that year.
Gloria.
You know how people advice against office relationships? Well, I never used to buy into the idea. Then someone joined a sister company to our parent company and was showing signs that he wanted to be with me. Apparently, he had even buzzed me a year before, but I didn’t respond because I was going through a lot at that point. This time when he joined the company and showed further interest, I discussed it with my colleagues and I was told to give it a try, that a couple of people have met their significant other in the workplace. So I did.
At that time, I was travelling a lot and couldn’t spend a lot of time with him, but every time I got back, I made sure to spend time at his house or him at mine. While I was away, my colleagues started giving me reports about seeing my boyfriend making moves and going to lunch with a particular intern that just joined us. I didn’t want to believe it, so I confronted him and he said he liked her as a colleague.
I started to observe them: after work, she would wait for him, walk to his table, yet he kept reassuring me that nothing was happening, so I gave him benefit of the doubt. One day, a work event came up and I used the opportunity to ask the intern if she knew I was dating him. Her response was that she had no idea of such a thing happening; besides, they were just colleagues who simply enjoyed each other’s company. I asked her if she had his phone number and she denied it.
On National Boyfriend Day, I posted a picture of myself and him. His face wasn’t even showing. His wristwatch was the only thing showing and I used a smiley to cover it. Next thing I got was a DM from him, asking me to take it down. He was upset and started throwing tatrums, so I took it down. That was the beginning of the problems. He started to say he needed space and was having mental health issues, and when I asked where all of this was coming from, he started lying and saying he was unavailable. By this time, the entire office had started to notice that something was going on between us and the intern started making it obvious that they were together. They would go for lunch and all. Again, I asked him if anything was going on and he denied it, so I decided to do my investigation.
I found out that he told this girl that we were not dating and he caused beef between the babe and I. Soon, it started to take a toll on my emotions and the quality of my work. Even while I was going through this, I thought it was just her. As time went on, truth came out that he was cheating with another person, and that made two babes who worked in my office: the intern and the other lady. They were both in disbelief when I told them about it. It became crazy at that point. How do you cheat on me with two of my colleagues and lie to them that you were not dating me when clearly, you asked for a relationship and decided to give you a try as my first office relationship?
It got to me so bad that I went on a rampage and started talking to anybody who was willing to listen. It scarred me so much I started to believe that any guy who came to me wanted me for just arm candy purposes. It fucked up my trust issues too.
Dapo.
In university, I dated this babe for a month and two days and we broke up because of religious differences. We decided to stay friends, but I wanted her back. That was the beginning of my foolishness. I bent over backwards for this babe. It was terrible. At some point, she would tease me so much I would get aroused. When I asked for sex, she would laugh and say, “Oh, but we are just friends.” From year two to year four, I devoted my life to getting her to like me. She used me to catch cruise and I was still there. I was depressed, suicidal, but nothing changed. Glad to have gotten control of my life now.
Feyi.
My best friend and I had a fight and stopped talking for a month. Two weeks after we stopped talking, I broke up with my boyfriend. He told me he wouldn’t talk to her either because it didn’t seem right to him. I told him I didn’t want him to “inherit my beef.” He said he wasn’t inheriting anything, he just didn’t find it appropriate. One day, I saw a picture of the both of them on his status. I texted him, “I thought you both were not talking, how come she travelled from her school to meet you?” He said its a coincidence, but later I found out they were staying together. And yet, he called it a coincidence.
Eventually, I texted her to clear the air about our fight. Three days after that, my boyfriend texted me saying he had something to tell me. He told me that their meeting wasn’t coincidental, but that they met so they could heal from what happened between three of us. He then goes on to say that these past few weeks with her has been the best of his life and that he loves her more. The text was very professional, and I said, “Oh okay,” out of pure shock. At first the effect didn’t get to me until the next day. I had to text her that we couldn’t be friends anymore. Much later, I posted stuff on my status and my ex replied. His tone was condescending, so I told him to stop texting me. “The only thing I want from you is your Netflix password,” I said. His reply was, “Why exactly are you upset?” That was when I blocked him.
Tope.
He was cheating on me with his “bestie”, the same girl he told me not to worry about. When I found out, he said he would have to let me go, so he could focus solely on her. I begged him to date us both, that I didn’t mind. He agreed at first, but then he stopped talking to me altogether. Still, I went to our mutual friend and asked him to plead on my behalf. I said I did not mind his cheating habits, I just wanted him to stay. After that, I broke down; I stopped eating or going out. I would be indoors all day crying and listening to gospel songs. I eventually snapped one day and had to move on because I realised he was over me.
Habeebah.
We had been dating from 100 level; in 400 level, he developed feelings for another girl and I became the side. I wanted to be sure, so I checked his phone and I got proof that I had indeed been replaced by this new girl. I even downloaded a tracker to monitor his phone. After I saw what my eyes were looking for, I confronted him, but he turned it around. He said there was nothing between them, and that I was just making things up. Yet, they still had long calls, he celebrated her birthday for her and once, he asked me not to come around because she was coming to see him. Ah. I went to his place oh, but he locked his door and went to sleep. I started acting like a mad person. I opened his window and started throwing stones into the room, I even poured sand. That was the last straw, I guess.
Shoutout to Sia’s ”Big girls Cry” and “Broken Glass.” Both songs were on repeat with tears in my eyes. I’m better now, though. Funny thing is that we still talk.
Felicia.
I had a bestie back in school. We were super close. Everyone knew us as besties, even my family. We had a stormy period like most friendships do, and we weren’t really hanging out as much. In my head, she was still my bestie sha, nothing could change that. I’d never stop being there or looking out for her.
Fast forward to a couple of years later, I found out she was secretly dating my ex and when I confronted her about it, she lied about it. I confirmed from her new “boyfriend”, and when I got told her I knew about the relationship, and I wasn’t even mad about it cos I was done with my ex but as my friend she should have been honest with me.
That was when I was told that we hadn’t really been friends for a long time, not to talk of besties. I was heartbroken for a whole year. She was the first friend I ever made so it hurt like hell. Since then, no more bestie abeg!
People move on from relationships in many different ways. Some people move on in less dramatic ways and some move on in more dramatic ways than others, in hopes to make their ex-partner feel hurt too. The people in this article chose the more dramatic ways to move on. They talk about the most dramatic things they did after a breakup.
Jojo
Image used for descriptive purpose
I burnt his clothes. He left more than half of his stuff at my place and he didn’t think they were worth coming back for and that pissed me off. My reaction was to burn his clothes with me in the room. I think I hoped I’d pass out from the smoke or something. I just sat there in my smoky room and watched them burn.
We dated for 15 months before we broke up.
Femi
I was neither the heart breaker nor the heartbroken, but I was an active participant in the dramatic reaction to the heartbreak. I, however, got permission from heartbroken to share this. This event happened in 2001.
My friend got heartbroken by his girlfriend who was in a class higher than his at the time. After the breakup, he took me and two other guys to her room in the school hostel. He drove us in a minibus. We emptied her room. Each of us left her room with a different item. Imagine four big men going into the female hostel and coming out with one item after another. We took a small CD player, bookshelf, mattress, a few shoes (which of course had been worn) and the linoleum carpet which came off last and even the foam underlay. It was a complete rout. The only thing left in her room were her books and clothes and her small camp gas cooker.
All of this happened because he found out she had another boyfriend. When she was asked to pick between him and her other boyfriend, she chose the other boyfriend. She married the other boyfriend, who turned out to be the better choice.
Many years after the incident and my friends and I still laugh about how silly and dramatic the breakup was.
Tunde
I found out she was dating me and juggling a few other people while accusing me of cheating. The discovery made me decide to sleep with the girls she had accused me of flirting with. By the time I had slept with 4 out of the 6 women she accused me of flirting with, I realized I had done enough. She found about it from her friends, and although she was married already, the news still got her very upset. Her anger left like a shot of adrenaline in my soul. I do not think my reaction to the breakup was extremely dramatic.
Ella
I met a guy named John on Facebook in 2016, but I was dating someone at the time. John and I didn’t get to meet ourselves that that year because he was in the east and I was living in Lagos. We still had not met when we started dating in May 2017. I had fallen so in love with him and I was sure he was in love with me too because I was already dreaming of spending forever with him.
In 2017, I applied to uni, but I didn’t get in. John got me a form to attend the university he was and I got in. My admission finally came through in 2018 and I could finally meet him to being our love story. The love story wasn’t as blissful as I expected because just 3months after I got into the University we were already broken up.
I was so shattered. We already had sex and I still held on to the fact that he was my first sexual partner. I was sure I was going to spend forever with him. The madness and obsession started after we broke up. I felt shattered and broken because of how much I tried – I could not imagine not being with him.
The first step was stalking him all over social media looking for ways to get to him. We chatted a few times, but that wasn’t enough for me. I knew what I was doing to myself wasn’t healthy and I needed to move on so I started seeing other people, but I was still miserable. The stalking went on for a little over a year before I stopped.
I eventually met another guy on Facebook who looked a lot like him. We started talking and we eventually got together. I did all of this to make my ex-boyfriend jealous and I guess it worked because my ex tried getting back with me. He didn’t have good reasons for wanting to come back, he just wanted to have sex with me.
Ending a relationship is not always an easy thing to do, which is why you have to do it right. There are easy ways to break up with someone without hurting your feelings in the process. Here are some of the ways.
1. Leave the country.
Leaving the country is the best coping mechanism after a breakup. You’ll be too happy that you’ve finally to feel any kind of heartbreak. Their absence will also make you think of them less, out of sight is kuku out of mind.
2. Prepare a powerpoint presentation.
You need to prepare a presentation on things they could have done better in the relationship. Help them point out their flaws and mistakes. This way, you won’t be hurting your feelings or theirs, you’ll be helping them become a better person. Don’t forget to send this presentation via email.
3. Beat around the bush before breaking up with them.
Breaking up in a very straightforward way is very hurtful and unfair. You need to beat around the bush so you have enough time to process what is going on. It also helps them move on quickly. This is one of the easiest ways to break up without hurting your feelings.
4. Do not deliver the news face-to-face.
Send the breakup message via mail, or preferably via pigeons. Do not break up with anyone face to face. You don’t want to look at them while you point out what they could have done better or how they could have saved the relationship.
5. Use ‘you’ in your statements.
“You did, you said, you should have”… Let them know the relationship ended because of them. This way they’ll know it’s not you, it’s them. After all, the intention is to break up without hurting your feelings. We aren’t saying you should hurt their’s instead sha.
6. Do not grant their request for closure.
What sort of closure are they looking for that they can’t get on Ali express?. If they need closure so much, they should buy it on Instagram. You can also have it delivered to them if you are feeling extra kind. Giving them closure is a way of you exposing yourself to getting hurt and you don’t want to do that.
We can all agree that break-ups are awful. However, what we can all agree on is on coping mechanisms for breakups or how to get over them. Today, I asked seven Nigerian men how they dealt with or reacted to their worst breakup and all I can say is that folks have gone through it.
Obiora, 25.
When my ex broke up with me, I called a Bolt driver and I just entered the first destination that came up. It was to my workplace which was over an hour away from where I was and I didn’t even realize. I sat down in the cab largely despondent, at some point, I just started crying. My cab driver was sympathetic and was giving me generic advice about women and life and I was just there bawling. By the time the trip ended and I realized where I was, I just started laughing because why am I coming to my office at around 7 PM at night? I called a new cab and went back home and then stared at my ceiling till I slept.
Benji, 29.
The day my ex broke up with me, she came over and cooked and we were talking. Then she entered a long conversation and ended it with the thought that we would be better together as friends. My head couldn’t process it, and I remember asking her if she was joking. She said she wasn’t. I asked her to leave. I stayed there for a very long time then I called my friend and when he came over, he told me to snap out of it and then we ate the food my ex had prepared and played video games.
Ken, 24.
My ex broke up with me by ghosting me. One day, I thought I was in a healthy and functional relationship. Then one day, I just stopped hearing from him. He wouldn’t pick my calls, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was still posting on social media. I later heard that he had started dating someone else and I was just dumbfounded. For months, it felt like my heart was in my throat. I could barely eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I listened to was sad breakup songs. It took me months to get over it and I’m not sure I fully have.
Gregory, 29.
My ex broke up with me because she wanted to make her side-nigga, her main nigga.When she told me that she had been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue that other relationship instead, I started begging her. I knelt on my knees and was begging her and was telling her that I’ll be better, I’ll change etc. In hindsight, that was shameful but I did it. I ate my feelings away to the point I even put on a little extra weight.
Robert, 25.
My ex and I had a small quarrel over something and she said we are done. I thought it was a heat of the moment kind of thing and I didn’t realize she meant it. I went to see her and she screamed at me to leave her house otherwise she’ll pour me water. I think what I felt the most was confusion, I wanted her to tell me that I did something wrong so I could apologize for that. Till today, I have no idea. It threw me into depression for weeks, I could barely walk, I could barely talk. Then my friends started taking me out almost every day, I barely had free time to think about the breakup and eventually, I forgot.
Charlie, 27.
I broke up with my ex. People often think the person doing the breaking up doesn’t feel awful but I did. I discovered that she was texting someone else so I had to end it. It’s funny that I ended it because I was the one who was having heart attacks every time she posted that Bratz doll meme and I was the one who was waiting for her to beg me. She never did. So to get over it, I stopped using social media for a while. I went on a social media break and spent my free time doing anything that didn’t require my phone for over a month.
Timi, 30.
In January, my ex said that I was dragging her down in life and that I was unambitious so we needed to break up. It hurt because I had to deal with a break-up as well as a kick to my self-esteem. I was in a bad place for almost two months then I listed all the ways I could improve myself so that no one could ever tell me that again. From going to the gym regularly to getting more jobs, I have been throwing myself into my life since then. I’m happy that I’m seeing changes but I still hate that it was what she said that got me started on this path.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: It Was A Perfect Matchmaking
Olufunmi, 35, and Elizabeth, 29, have been in serious relationships that led to intense heartbreaks. And then a mutual friend decided to matchmake them. Today on Love Life, they discuss getting married less than 6 months after they met.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Olufunmi: It was a phone call. My older brother’s wife was the one who did the matchmaking. She said she had a friend she would like me to meet and gave me Elizabeth’s contact number.
Elizabeth: His older brother’s wife was my childhood friend. After she gave Olufunmi my number, he called me a few times and tried to initiate a conversation, but I wasn’t matching his energy. He would leave messages for me, and I would reply the next day. I didn’t mean to be that way; I was working at an Indian company and the workload was a lot, so I barely had time to keep up conversations.
Olufunmi: After calling and texting her a few times and not getting the kind of response I wanted, I decided to give it one last shot, and if I got the same lack of energy, I would let things go. Fortunately, she responded that day, and we spoke for a pretty long time. That was what changed the trajectory of the whole relationship.
Elizabeth: He thought I was playing hard to get. Me that I was collapsing under the weight of work. Anyway, I explained my situation to him and he understood. It was easier to keep up conversations after that. We began to ask questions about each other, just basic things that friends would want to know.
So when did the physical meeting take place?
Olufunmi: We met a day after her birthday. This was one month after we began texting. It was during COVID, and all the fun places were closed, so she came over to my place. When I saw her, my first thought was, “Wow, I have seen beauty before but this is a discovery.”
Elizabeth: LMAO. The meeting was okay. I came all the way from Ibadan to Lagos, and when I saw him, I thought, “Ahan, so this man is this handsome.” I won’t even lie, when his photos were shared with me, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Hayy God, who is this old man?” But immediately I saw him, that changed to “Omo, this is the kind of man I want.”
LMAO. Does this mean you both had a spec?
Olufunmi: I wasn’t really interested in specs. All I wanted was someone divinely given to me by God to soothe me and make my life’s journey easier. And since I had already committed it to God in prayer, I decided to go with the flow. Her coming into my life was a perfect arrival of the perfect person, and I was grateful to God. She was dark, tall and shapely in all the right places.
Elizabeth: Knowing Olufunmi through my childhood friend made everything easier. But even then, I think my idea of who I wanted as my spec was loosely constructed.
Why did the matchmaking happen though?
Olufunmi: I am AS and finding a lady with an AA genotype was becoming difficult. The few women I met had their own issues: they were either AS, of a different belief system, unserious, or even unfaithful. One of them shattered my heart seriously.
She’s Yoruba, from Ondo state and a church worker, and things were smooth between us until I found out that she accepted someone’s proposal on Instagram. I didn’t see the post. It was her friend who did and asked me if we were good. I didn’t know what was happening, so I said we were good. Then the friend said she didn’t think so and forwarded the post to me. When I called my babe to ask for confirmation, her response was, “Ehn, yes, you have seen it and you have seen it na niyen. That’s it.” And she ended the call. That was the last thing we talked about till date. She never called to apologise or anything. After that happened, I just mellowed down completely. Apparently, this mellowing down was taking too long and my sister-in-law decided to step in by introducing her friend to me.
Elizabeth: I’ve had several relationships that ended in hot tears. The last one was the most painful. I had introduced the guy to my parents and was confident that it would lead to marriage. But my guy said I was taking things too fast and cut ties with me. After I got my balance back, I told myself I wanted no relationship, let me just be on my own. And then one day, my friend whom I had not spoken to in a long time texted me to ask if I was in a relationship. At first, I thought, “What kind of question is this this early in the morning?” But I told her I wasn’t, and she said okay, no problem. Later, she informed me that she had a brother-in-law who was not in a relationship but who was a good person and that she wanted to connect us. Because it was her, I said to give the person my number.
Omo. That’s a lot. I’m so sorry.
Olufunmi: Before Elizabeth and I had our first date, I asked for confirmation about her genotype. I think she went to do another test to confirm the AA and then sent the result. I also insisted that we would not meet physically until we got a go-ahead from God, so she should pray and be sure she really wanted this. What I didn’t tell her was that I had already prayed — even my mum too. I had also consulted my pastor and all the answers were good. When I knew her birthday was coming, I used it as the perfect opportunity to meet her and give her my answers. I asked what gift she wanted, and she said she just wanted my response. I told her it was positive; we were good to go.
Elizabeth: See ehn, my friend told me he was a spirikoko who was highly invested in prayers and “spiritual protocols”, so I knew I had to match up. While I was praying for the confirmation, I informed my mother and my reverend and pastors. They wanted to know what he looked like and where he worked. My pastor’s wife collected his social media handle and checked him on Facebook. Later, when we met for bible study, she said the check was done and he was black and shine but that did not mean the prayers would not continue. It was a complete prayer circle and the answers were positive all through. By the time my birthday was approaching and he asked what I wanted, I told him to just give me the answer from his end. Apparently, this man already had his answer; he just wanted to stress me.
Olufunmi: I had to be on guard, please. Before you come and crush my freshly-mended heart.
Elizabeth: LMAO go jor.
So what came next after the confirmation?
Elizabeth: The family meeting. He came to Ibadan to see my people and I also went to see his people.
Olufunmi: There was no time to waste since I already knew what I wanted and wasn’t dating for fun, but for a relationship that would end in marriage. Her people were friendly and welcoming, and that was it for me.
Was there a fancy proposal?
Olufunmi: Yes, but it was indoors, during one of those times she came visiting.
Elizabeth: I have always wanted a surprise proposal with my friends there and all of that. But this spirikoko person, he likes his things coded. His own proposal happened during one of my visits to his place. I went to get something in the kitchen and when I came back, I saw something shiny placed on top of my phone. It turned out to be the ring. Next thing, he knelt down and asked if I would marry him.
Olufunmi: I can assure you I wasn’t trying to be spiritual. There was COVID and all the cool spots were closed. If they were not, we probably would have gone to a nice restaurant, and I would have done it in the way everyone perceives to be the right way now. At that period, that was the best I could do. I didn’t want them to come and arrest us for flouting COVID rules.
How has married life been?
Olufunmi: It’s been good. I don’t have to do things or think about most things by myself anymore. There is someone to share my life with, and she is sweet, caring, fragile and very understanding. I am still learning how to love her and how to be a husband. And even now, after six months of marriage, I don’t think I have scratched the surface yet.
Elizabeth: Marriage has been sweet, and sweet is an understatement. He has been the best husband, and he makes sure I don’t lack anything. He’s supportive too, and when I tell him I am not feeling good, he cooks and does things to make life comfortable for me. He is also prayerful, caring and very gentle.
Olufunmi: For me, the best part of it all is having the rest of mind that I married a good woman. When I think about us, what I feel is immense contentment. With her, I feel like I have everything and want nothing more.
Aww. Have there been moments when things did not go smoothly?
Elizabeth: There’s been a few misunderstandings. For example, he might accuse me of something I did not do, like placing something in the wrong place. This can be annoying, but after getting angry for a short while, we settle and let it go.
Olufunmi: When she was in her first trimester, she wasn’t really audible. She would say something, and I’d ask her to speak up like 3 or 4 times before I would pick up whatever she was saying. I got frustrated one day and stopped asking her to speak up. Also, I wasn’t comfortable collecting things from non-family members and we had a misunderstanding about that too because she didn’t like the idea. Our relationship wasn’t up to six months before we got married, and these misunderstandings help us know each other better..
How do you resolve these misunderstandings?
Olufunmi: We sit down to talk until things are completely ironed out. No misunderstanding passes two hours. Communication just does it for us. I have heard couples say sex solves things for them, but I don’t think this is a practical solution for us. I mean, your hearts are far apart, so how does the sex come in? But if it works for them, well…
Elizabeth: Me I am the kind of person who likes to iron things out the moment I notice that things are wrong. Even if he is not ready to talk, I press until he gives in. We either talk this thing through or we are not going anywhere.
What is one thing you would love to change about each other?
Olufunmi: LMAO. I have noticed that she farts a lot. But I think it’s the pregnancy, so I understand. In fact, I have started accepting it. She also wasn’t audible in the early months of the pregnancy, but I have become used to that too. She is carrying a nation or two or even three inside her, and I cannot even afford to be angry at whatever she does. I have also read about how ladies can be during pregnancy, and I think she is doing well.
Elizabeth: He is fond of accusing me wrongly. Last Sunday, I carried his bad after service. I had found the bag scattered and I arranged it as I could. He is meticulous, so I knew he would come back to rearrange it the way he liked. But he came and accused me of scattering his bag without even asking me what happened. I got angry and told him to stop doing that. I keep telling him I don’t like when he does that, and he says he will change.
Olufunmi: Ahan, it’s not in my attitude nau. Even if I would judge or say something, I would ask questions. That day I thought she was the one because she was sitting next to my bag and no one else had permission to check my stuff. It turned out to be my older brother.
Elizabeth: Though I am yet to see it 100%, I believe he will change. Here’s one thing I never want him to stop though: being caring. I want him to continue being caring. I have heard of guys who transfer their love and affection to the children after they are born, and I hope that he will not be like that. Olufunmi is caring. He would get home and say, “Babe I got something for you. Check my bag.” He understands me, loves me in the way that makes me feel valued and appreciated.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1-10?
Olufunmi: 8. I won’t say we are perfect because we can’t know ourselves completely. Maybe when we get to that point where I can read her mind and tell her exactly what she is going to say word for word like I do when I am watching a Nigerian movie, then I will give us a 10.
Elizabeth: For me, it’s 9. When we get to that point where we know each other completely, then it will be a 10.
Men, who are often considered the wreckers of relationships, are rarely considered as victims of heartbreak. I spoke to four Nigerian men about their experiences. Here’s what they had to say.
Bayo, 27
I’m always the one getting broken up with, so I have plenty of break up stories.
The first one dumped me for no reason. The second one met someone on Twitter and told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. She later found out the dude was engaged. The third one was asking me about marriage like a month after I moved to Lagos and because I told her I wasn’t thinking about marriage yet, she and her friends sent me a voice note calling me unprintable names. Last year, she reconnected and apologized and tried to rekindle the relationship. I later found out that at some point she tried to sleep with my best friend probably as a way to spite me.
But it’s the last one that pained me the most and the only relationship I ever regretted having. I really loved her but she was always paranoid because I was never jealous and we never got into fights. I always had to reassure her I wasn’t going anywhere. She had my phone password and replied to my messages. She would wake me up at 3 in the morning to comfort her till dawn. One time, I was hyping up my friends’ pictures and she got really mad because she thought I was flirting. She threw a tantrum and after I calmed her down, she said it was because she didn’t want to lose me.
One day, out of the blue, she asked if I had ever cheated on her. She begged and pleaded for me to tell her, that she wouldn’t get mad. I kept reassuring her that I didn’t. The next day, she called me, upset and crying. I sent her funny videos, memes, sang for her, all in a bid to cheer her up, but she kept crying. The next day, she broke up with me, saying she didn’t feel the same way anymore. I asked if it was my fault but she said “you were perfect,” but she just didn’t like me anymore. I was broken. She asked me not to hate her and she left me standing where I was. I know she cheated on me and broke up with me out of guilt.
No breakup has hurt me that much because I looked back and felt so stupid because of the way I had invested myself in the relationship. It nearly turned me into a horrible person but I decided not to give her the power.
Charles
I was in 100-level and this was my first proper girlfriend. She had stayed in my house for a couple of days and I had noticed she was moving funny and getting some strange calls. I’m not the type of guy to ask who was calling and all of that, so I let it slide. She told me she wanted to go meet her class rep to submit some assignments, blah blah blah.
A couple of hours later, a couple of my guys invited me to go drink beer at a popular hotel near UNILORIN. We had a few drinks and I needed to pee. The path that leads to the toilet goes past some of the hotel rooms. As I was walking past, one of the rooms had its windows open and in the corner of my eye, I saw some people fucking. Lo and behold, it was my babe. I couldn’t believe it. I was paralysed in shock but I left. When I was breaking up with her, I was so macho and being a bad guy about it but when she left I just curled up into a ball on my bed and cried my eyes out into my pillow. It was so painful.
Leke
In 2018, I was dating one short BBW. Things were going all lovey-dovey until we had one minor argument. I can’t even remember what the argument was about but I apologised immediately but she continued to give me an attitude. Normally, I wouldn’t be bothered about walking away but I had fallen madly in love with her. I kept going to her house to apologise but she wasn’t having it, saying she needed a break. One day, I was going to her house with gifts when I met her outside her house, kissing another man. The guy had his hands all wrapped around her and was even rubbing her body. I was devastated. She saw me, made eye contact and looked away. I wanted to die. As per gentlemen, I turned back and headed back to my house with my tail between my legs. I had never felt so broken. When I got home, everyone was asking if I was fine and I said I was but deep inside, I was hurting badly. I’m never going to give anyone the chance to do that to me again.
Dubem
We were in med school together and had dated for four years. We lived together in the last two years of med school and had so many plans and dreams for our future. Six months to my graduation, she started deleting my pictures from her Instagram. When I asked why, she said her father just joined and might see it. I didn’t think much of it because I trusted her. I finally graduated and left for Nigeria.
One day, she called and asked me, “What if there’s someone better for both of us out there?” I was dumbfounded and she went on to say she needed a break. I asked for how long and she said two weeks. When I called after the agreed time, she said the break was the best two weeks of her life. She also said she needed someone who will spoil her silly and I barely send her any money asides the 20k I regularly gave her from my 98k housemanship salary. I wished her all the best because there’s nothing wrong with her wanting better, but inside I was devastated. It took me some time, but I healed. She taught me that you should never settle for less than you think you deserve.
If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak, you’d know it feels like a better day may never come. In this article, I asked Nigerian women to tell me about their worst heartbreak, here’s what six of them had to say:
AJ, 22
I was in love with my friend, Ebi* in secondary school. We were in JS2 together but she was into someone else. In SS2, we got closer. We did almost everything together — bathing together, brushing together, and doing our assignments together. We would stay up all night talking. On the night of her birthday, she asked me out and we started dating.
Ebi is a stud so there were rumours about her queerness but when we started dating, things became worse. Something else happened to her around this time and this made school unbearable for her. She told me at the end of the school year that her parents were considering transferring her to a different school. I was upset but she told me they hadn’t made a decision yet, so she wanted to try convincing her parents to let her stay.
We stayed in touch through the holidays and at the end of every conversation, she assured me that her parents had not decided on leaving. At the end of the holiday, she told her parents had decided to let her stay. I was so excited to see her again. I resumed early. I waited all day for her to arrive but she didn’t. It was odd for boarding students to resume on Mondays so I asked her cousin when she was coming but she told me that Ebi’s parents had transferred Ebi to another school out of the state. I felt my heart stop but I had to act like I wasn’t bothered because of the rumours. After school, I went to my bed and cried like a bastard.
Felicia, 24
My ex-boyfriend was three years younger than me. I was a struggling youth corper and he was winging it as an artist when we met. I had sworn to never date a guy younger than me again but something about him made me take a chance. We met through a friend. On our first date, he took me to a rooftop, and we had a picnic. He sang to me as we stared at the moon all night. We were almost inseparable after that.
We continued dating for a year, but at the end of the year, he told me that he had fallen out of love with me. He said it was because, at the beginning of our relationship, he knew I wasn’t serious with him — I was worried about the age difference. I was so hurt because I had gotten over the age thing but I was also moving to a different city — I knew the distance would have been a problem too — so I broke up with him. It’s been a year since our break up and even though I called the relationship off, I’m still heartbroken.
Damilola, 19
In 2017, I reconnected with a guy I had a friends-with-benefits relationship with. He made it clear that he had feelings for me and would like us to be in a serious relationship. I was sceptical at first but I had always liked him, so I said yes. I had never been in an exclusive relationship before him but I wanted to make it work.
We kept having issues — they would start as minor arguments and then escalate. He said I was being difficult about not wanting to send him nudes, even after I explained to him that I was dealing with body dysmorphia. He was friends with my best friend so she knew everything that was going on with us. She would help us resolve our issues by playing peacemaker.
He kept cancelling the plans we made to hang out. One day, we were supposed to meet at a hotel but he stood me up as usual so I went to my friend’s place to get my mind off him. That night, he called me and said some abusive words about how I didn’t care about him. He said SARS had harassed and extorted him. I was mad at the hurtful things he said to me so I blocked him.
A week later, he apologized on Instagram. I forgave him but a part of me had checked out emotionally. Less than a month later, I made up my mind to leave him after my friend showed me her chat where he was hitting on her. That night, he tried to talk to me but I refused. A few months later, he called me, accusing me of setting him up when SARS arrested him. After the call, he sent a text saying, “I hope you and your family die, bitch, and I’m glad I treated you and your bestie like the trash you both are”. When I confronted her about it, she told me she was pregnant. She couldn’t turn to him for help and she couldn’t keep the baby either. As much as I was hurt, I couldn’t leave her to suffer, so I paid for her to get an abortion and stayed with her through it. After everything, I stopped talking to her.
In 2020, I followed Ivie* because I thought her profile picture was pretty. Somehow we started talking, and it was fun. We found out that we attended the same school but lived in different states. She told me she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship and I was okay with it but a few months later, she said she loved me. I was already in love with her so I thought we were going to work out.
Two months later, she stopped calling or texting. It seemed like I was the one doing everything, so I told her I couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. She read the message but never replied. When school was about to resume in January, she hit me up and asked to meet. We did and she apologised for airing me. We continued our relationship in school. In February, we took a walk one evening, and I asked if we were serious. She said she wasn’t serious with the relationship and that was when I realized she had never really wanted me — she was just bored.
Milola, 24
I was dating this girl for about three years. We did almost everything together. I wanted to be with her for as long as possible but in the third year, she invited me to her wedding as her bridesmaid. I never replied to that message.
Maxine, 25
I loved my ex-boyfriend with everything in me. I would lie to my parents so I could travel to Lagos to see him. 18 days after our first anniversary together, he broke up with me. His reason was that I loved him too much and he couldn’t love me as much as I loved him. I tried to convince him to stay but he refused. Since then everything about love has been like cyanide to me.
Tolu, 22
My ex-girlfriend and I live in Lagos but at opposite ends — I live in Ajah and she lives in Ikorodu. We tried to keep up with calls, texts and monthly visits but it was hard. Sometimes my parents won’t let me go out or they would allow me with strict timeframes of when to go and when to come back. I would take a four-hour journey and end up spending just two hours with her. We didn’t even have the privacy to be intimate with each other.
One night, I told her I missed her and she said she missed me too. She sent a hug sticker and I told her I was tired of hug stickers — I wanted to hug her for real. We started talking about how hard the distance was making our relationship and we decided to end it on that note. It hurt like a bitch.
If you have experience getting your heartbroken, you can tell when it’s about to happen. But if you don’t, learn these lines very well because once you hear them, shit it about to hit the fan.
1. So, remember that my ex…
If they use this line, just start crying. That same ex that broke their heart and you had to be there for them is who they’re remembering now. Just pack and go.
2. I think we need to talk
If your partner tells you this, just get ready to start composing a Twitter thread for the. You already know what the “talk” is.
3. It’s not you, it’s me
This one is borderline gaslighting because everyone already knows that this line is the most used excuse for breaking up with someone. If they use this line for you, fight them.
4. What would you do if we broke up?
You have the chance to redeem your dignity here. Just say something aloof like “Meh, I’ll be fine. I’ll move on. You?” Because if you say something emotionally charged like “Oh I would kill myself”, their group chat would be in flames with mockery of you that night.
5. I don’t want to hold you back
Hello!!! Who said anything about you holding me back. Hold me back. Keep me, I’m your palliative.
6. I’ve been thinking a lot and…
Nobody sent you message to think. Please I beg you, don’t think. Just forget everything you’re thinking about and let’s go and watch a movie. Don’t utter any other word, please.
7. I’m on a journey to self discovery
Wahala for who no wan discover themselves o.
8. I know you’re going to hate me for this
“Hey Siri, play Marvins Room by Drake”
9. I’m just not ready to settle down.
I will wait for you. Please. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU!!!
10. Where is this going?
It is going somewhere. Please just wait and see first.
11. You’re going to make someone so happy someday.
Are you not somebody? Answer me, are you not somebody?? It is you I want to make happy. Don’t do this.
Like it or not, men have had their fair share of suffering in this life. Try not to cry as you read the experiences of these five men as they recount all the horrible ways women have rejected.
1. Deji, 29
I used to be a dead guy until a few years ago. What many people would call a simp. This is the experience that changed me. I liked this babe. We were both in Uni together. Same fellowship too. One of my guys had told her I liked her, and I confirmed that it was true. So we started hanging out a lot. We would go to the movies, and back to her apartment and just gist. We’d have some drinks and just gist. The one time I tried to make a move, she said no, and I respect that. So we just kept hanging around, hoping my time would come. Even now I’ll still say it was going really well. Heading in the right direction.
One day, just like every time, I called her and said we should hang out. She said I should call her later in the afternoon, by 1pm, so we could figure out where to meet. My phone was on 3% and they’d cut our light. So I just put it on airplane mode and waited for the afternoon. It was a hot day. It went by very slowly. And I just waited.
Afternoon came and I finally switched on my phone, and called her. She didn’t pick. Called her about 30 minutes later. Nothing. Airplane mode back on. Waited for an hour. Called her a few more times. Nothing. Long story short, I couldn’t reach her that day, or for the next week or month. She was just gone. I met her about three months later and she just told me, she decided she couldn’t “do it” anymore. Like that was just it. From hanging out a lot and building something, to ghosting me for three months. Yeah that was it.
2. Chike, 23
We’d been friends since primary school. We also went to the same church since we were kids. Our families were close. I started catching feelings as we got older and I even hinted it at her. She didn’t reject me or anything. But a few weeks later, she was speaking in the youth group in church about relationships, and she just randomly mentioned that everyone should follow my example in knowing their place, because even though we were close, I knew nothing could happen between us because she saw me as a brother.
3. Dounard
A woman once told me that she couldn’t date me because I am Liberian. I know she wanted to date from her tribe. Liberia was too far for her. So she looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t date you because you’re Liberian”. Of all the reasons I thought I could be rejected on. I didn’t think being Liberian would be a reason for someone to say no to me. In the end, it’s her loss because I am a spec.
4. Sammy, 27
I went to a beach hang out with my guys, and I spotted her. Dark skinned goddess. I approached and after all the small talk she told me directly, she wasn’t into guys. I didn’t take it as a rejection until three hours later, I saw her taking dick from two guys at once in the parking lot.
5. Osas, 31
Me and this baddie got talking and I started feeling some connection that wasn’t there. We had sex a few times so I decided to invite her for a family function. We even wore matching ankaras and shit. We were all boo’d up.
I’d told one of my older cousins about her and he was excited to meet her so when he finally arrived I took her to him and introduced her as my babe.
She started laughing. Not giggling o, laughing like she was on the front row at a Kevin Hart show. When she finally regained her breath, she let out the exact words “No, he’s just my friend.” then as if that wasn’t enough, she looked at me and said “I like you just as a friend”.
PS: If you are here because you are about to dump somebody’s child and you need opening remarks please step aside. This is a well deserved pity party for those of us who have been hurt for the most unreasonable reasons. Here’s a list of the 9 most annoying break up lines.
1. “You deserve better”
Since when did you become so selfless? Are you trying to outdo Jesus? Is that it? You want to outdo Jesus?
2. “It’s not me, it’s you”.
But when did it become a competition? And even if it is a competition, when and how did you win?
3. “I need to focus on my work”
I have a job too and i am still in the relationship. And till date there’s no proof that I have 2 heads.
4. “I need space”
Give me the measurements. 10 millimeters? 20 centimeters? Talk to me.
5. “I don’t want to hold you back”
Mmm….But I never said you were a rope.
6. “You are like a sister to me”
But we have been doing things brothers and sisters don’t do.
7. “Lets just take a break”
Please clarify; do you mean lunch break, break dance or breaking bad?
8. “I love you so much it scares me”
Lies! Word on the street is that when people say this, the love they speak of is most likely non existent. But they can’t tell you that to your face so they say the opposite instead.
But I thought the relationship was between me and you. Another question please; why didn’t you ask them before chyking me?
That’s 9 of the most annoying breakup lines and ironically they are also the most used. It’s like every year a secret convention is held for people that want to break up. And then these lines are released to them in a brochure. Has any of them been used on you and have you yourself used any on someone else? You can tell us, we won’t judge.
And when you’re done you can click here to find out if you are an annoying person too. You’re welcome.
For every Nigerian who loves food, there are certain moments that leave you feeling immensely disappointed — from biting into a meat pie and getting a mouth full of air, to sucking on a pretty but bitter agbalumo. This post understands that pain.
1. When the meat pie is more air than meat.
We hate scams.
2. When the biscuit is soft.
The absolute worst.
3. When the plantain chips are tasteless.
Throw it away immeidately.
4. When the agbalumo slaps you.
The absolute betrayal.
5. When the shop doesn’t have green Indomie.
What’s now the point?
6. When there’s no egg in the moin moin.
Chicken freaking Republic! Egg is a vital part of becoming a chicken you know? What is this? pic.twitter.com/AXeWfAD0bK
This week I talk to a woman whose unfaithfulness ended her three-year relationship. She talks about why she did, her regrets and lessons learned.
How long were you in a relationship?
A little over three years. Three good years. Even at the very end, there was no bitterness, just sadness.
How’d you meet?
We were really close friends. I’ve known him since secondary school. He had just gotten out of a nasty relationship, I was in a ‘fuck all men’ phase. And we just started leaning on each other more. Eventually, we decided to explore the romantic angle of our ‘friendship’. So no sparks flew or anything, it was just a natural progression.
How’d the relationship go?
Oh man. It was great you know. Like really good. I don’t know if we ever had a honeymoon phase because of the way our relationship started but it was nice. The first year, we were inseparable. We were that annoying couple that turned up everywhere together even though it was only one person who was invited. Then towards the end of the second year, he had to travel for his master’s. But we wanted to be together so we tried the long distance thing.
Was it hard?
It was incredibly hard. A whole lot harder than I thought it’d be. How do you go from seeing someone every day to not at all? Our lives had become so surprisingly intertwined. I’d find myself doing activities we’d usually do together alone and it made me really sad. Even though we talked every day it felt like I had lost him.
How was he handling it?
He seemed good. Or maybe he was just focused on cheering me up because no day would pass without me whining about how much I wanted him to come back. They were more than a couple of teary FaceTime calls, with all the tears from me. But he seemed genuinely good, happy sef.
The first time you cheated?
Does it count as multiple times if it’s with the same person? It was with a mutual friend, who was more my friend than his. It didn’t happen all at once. There was an accidental kiss when he dropped me at home once. Another one when he had just moved apartments and I went to check out his place. That one somehow ended with both of us in bed.
Was that the only time?
No. No it wasn’t. I first formed, ‘this is a huge mistake’ ‘we should never do this again’ ‘I can’t believe I did this’, the usual. Well I guess it wasn’t forming because those were truly the feelings I was experiencing. But we moved in the same small circle and I saw him all the time. It just felt like what’s the point you know. It’s the same person, one time or multiple times doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
And how did it happen?
How else do these things happen, by being short-sighted and foolish? It’s funny how this was like two or three months before Daye* was supposed to come back. Apart from one December visit we had done the long distance thing for eleven months.
How’d it make you feel?
The first couple of weeks I felt nothing but excitement. It was new it was illicit, I really felt like a bad bitch juggling two ‘relationships’.
Any guilt?
It would bubble up now and then. But it was so easy to push it back down. I didn’t even try to justify it, anytime I started to think about the fact that what I was doing was wrong, I just shut those feelings out. When I was talking with Daye I was a completely different person. I was the doting, loving girlfriend and I just didn’t think of Femi*. And when I was with Femi I was this free-spirited person having fun, I wasn’t in a relationship or cheating, I was just you know, chilling. Of course one of us being a whole continent away helped.
Did Femi* know you were in a relationship?
Yeah, he did. He was my ‘confidant’ at first. I was talking to him about all my fears about my relationship not surviving the long distance thing. Ironically, we also talked about me being afraid Daye will end up cheating on me. Lol. One or two phone calls a week became every day phone calls. We worked in the same area so we’d jam after work. And well na from clap dance they start.
How long did it last?
About two months. Up until Daye came back.
How’d Daye find out?
I told him. It’s a whole lot easier to lie to someone over the phone than to their face. I had actually stopped seeing Femi about two weeks before he came back. Completely cut off contact with him even blocked his number. But when Daye came back he kept on going on and on about how something with me was off. In my head, I was just like ‘shit shit shit he knows’. I confessed in a week.
How did he handle it?
Jesus. He was devastated. The person he had dated before me also cheated and in the messiest way too. When we started dating, we’d talk about how we knew each other too well to be blindsided by that sort of thing. He didn’t break things off immediately. I begged for a second chance and he agreed. Lol, this was crying and rolling on the floor kind of begging. I think he just took pity on me. And it just really says a lot about the kind of person he is. Through his own hurt and anger, he was still thinking about me. Man, I fucked up. Anyway, we limped through another month and a half of the relationship. But it just wasn’t working. He didn’t trust me, I think a little part of him had even started to resent me. So he broke it off again so we could at least save our friendship. Which is funny because we don’t talk anymore.
Why’d you do it?
I can’t say I didn’t mean to. I knew exactly was I was doing. I was lonely. I was just really lonely and craving physical attention. I was young and stupid too.
What do you regret?
Lol, asides fucking doing it? Not ending the relationship when he travelled. I mean we were friends before we started dating. I just think if we had put a pause on it or something then we might have ended up back together. Now it’ll never happen. I don’t think he could ever trust me again and I don’t blame him.
Breakups on their own are horrible, but can you really claim to have had your heartbroken if you didn’t go through a uni breakup? We asked these ten people how their baes broke up with them in Uni and their responses broke our hearts.
“He told me that I was the reason that he was on a 1.4 G.P.A, so we broke up but he still finished with a third class” – Wande
“We had been supposedly dating for a couple of months, caught him with another babe and he said he didn’t know we were in a relationship” – Mariam
“I caught him cheating and he said it wasn’t his fault that, that’s how they are in his family and if I couldn’t accept that we should break up” – Doyin
“He got someone else pregnant by ‘mistake’” – Hauwa
“I found the Instagram page of his real girlfriend he had been dating for years, I was the side chick. Confronted him and he said I thought I knew” – Amaka
“She told me that her grandma had a dream that we should breakup, I found out months later that the grandma in question had died like ten years ago” – Lanre
“She said she wanted to focus on her studies, she started dating my roommate the week after we broke up” – Femi
“I just stopped hearing from her and seeing her around campus, it was weeks later I found out she had transferred to a school in Canada” – Osas
“He told me that if I really truly loved him deep down I had to let him go, till today I still don’t understand what that means” – Funmi
Ever been through a bad Uni breakup? Share with us let us help you deal with the hurt.
Breakups can be painful, messy or even easy. But nothing is funnier than when a breakup is petty. We asked eight people what the pettiest reason they ever initiated a breakup up was and their answers left us in stitches.
“He didn’t used to tamba after using the toilet, and he refused to do it even when I told him about it, abeg I couldn’t deal” – Funke
“Every single time I sat down to play FIFA she’d interrupt me. I mean every single time. She clearly didn’t like me” – David
“She had a hugeeee head. I had never seen that kind of head in my life before. Like it was fine until I started thinking of marriage, I couldn’t allow my kids have that kind of head” – Steve
“She said Ghanian Jollof was better than Nigerian Jollof. I was already on my way out of the relationship but that was the breaking point” – Lanre
“He looked almost exactly like one wicked teacher that tormented me in secondary school. I tried to ignore it at first but the relationship ended after 3 months” – Morayo
“He ate too much. That one on its own wasn’t even a problem but everytime I was eating he’ll start begging for my food. Like he’ll finish his own and still beg for my own again. The thing used to frustrate me.” – Ope
“I didn’t like his sister. She was my senior in secondary school and she used to punish me all the time. The day I found out, we broke up shortly after, I didn’t want anything to do with any family that can have that kind of wicked person(the sister).” – Faith
“When we met he was team beard gang, on our third date he came to pick me up with a clean shave it was like I was looking at another person, I stopped picking his calls after that date.” – Anjola
We’ve all had that one ex that did us wrong. Broke our hearts and left it shattered in the street.
Whether your ex boy- or girlfriend cheated on you, dumped you, stole all your money and ran away with your best friend, you’ve probably thought about doing some or all of these things to them:
1. Whistle-blowing their ass to the EFCC.
The rationale behind this is simple: If you can no longer enjoy their money – especially if it was made illegally – at least this way you’ll still get 5 percent of it.
2. Setting their clothes on fire.
Okay, this is extreme, but you know you’ve thought about doing it. If you burn their clothes they will no longer have any fine thing to wear and can no longer be doing “notice me” up and down.
3. Ordering a bunch of things online with their debit card.
If you stayed long enough with your ex, you’d probably have their card information in your browser history. If you get caught, you can easily claim it was a mistake. And if you don’t, you’d have bought yourself out of the heartbreak.
4. Blackmail.
Another extreme, but it’s just a thought, isn’t it? Odds are you’d have some incriminating information on the ex. An embarrassing video, proof of some sinister or illegal act, or the good old “noods” that could just “leak” and ruin their career.
5. Hack their social media accounts.
If your ex is a social media cool kid, this one might actually set them off the edge more than the others. They’d most likely have logged into their account with your phone or laptop, so getting in might not be a problem. You could choose a plethora of options: From posting random things you know they wouldn’t, to outright deleting the account and watch them panic with glee. Yes, evil, but again, just a thought.
6. Troll their social media accounts.
Many a social media accounts have been set up for just this very purpose. Trolling an ex on social media is most likely the top thing you’ve thought about doing to an ex. The benefits are twofold; on the one hand, you get to keep tabs without risking your ex finding out you’re monitoring them online, and on the other hand, you get to make their online life miserable almost in the same way your real life was following the break up.
7. “Slightly” messing up their car.
If the break up was a really hard one, all that pent up anger might have made you consider getting physical and smashing up your exes’ property. Say for instance, their car. It could feel good to break something belonging to someone who did you so much wrong, but you would have to bolt out of there as fast as you can so you don’t get caught. The law might not exactly be on your side.
When an ex does you wrong, sometimes you just want to scream:
It can really pain.
However, please be advised that this is only a hypothetical list and not an endorsement to carry out any, some or all of these actions.
In the end, you just have to find a way to deal with your heart break, even if that means confronting your ex just like #hurtbae did. Remember her?
