In this life, everyone has preferences, things they like, things they don’t like. Some people like jollof rice, some like fried, some people like amala, some like semo.

Some people’s preferences are downright nasty (looking at you, semo lovers) but I can respect it, so why can’t people respect how I feel about chocolate? It’s not like I was always a chocolate hater, but like the sun, I had a come-up.

At first, I loved it

Everyone thought shoving chocolates in the mouth of a child was a rite of passage, and back then, I had no beef with it. I accepted chocolates in all its forms: bars, cookies, ice cream, all the works. Matter of fact, if you’d sprinkled chocolate on fufu and fed it to me, I would have probably eaten it.

Back then, it was great, but now I’m older, wiser, and the agbado leader and his cohorts have pushed me into the unwelcoming arms of sapa.

After eating the 999th chocolate, something snapped in my head, but I ignored it.

Till I got my first taste of freedom

All the chocolates I consumed as a child were great, but when I got older, everyone and their daddy took it upon themselves to preach about the dangers of regular chocolate. According to them, dark chocolate was better and healthier I should have clocked it when it was mostly boomers saying, “ Dark chocolate is sweeter, and better.” I should have known better.

I can still remember the way the bitterness hit my tongue, and how it took all of my willpower not to throw up my small intestine.

How do you guys eat that thing?

I slowly started revolting

I was determined to lead the fight against chocolate of all types, shapes, and sizes. I started with chocolate cakes, which wasn’t that hard cause some people add raisins.

Again, how do you guys eat that thing?

But I quickly realized the world isn’t on my side. Every time I said no to chocolate, people looked at me like I just threatened them with another round of cash scarcity. 

People: Do you want chocolates?

Me:

Them: 

Like people’s overreaction to my newfound enemy wasn’t enough, I still have to battle on Valentine’s Day. People think gifting me boxes of chocolates is romantic and shows love, it doesn’t. As a matter of fact, I think boxes of chocolate are as romantic as a rock with a ribbon on it. But clearly, I’m the only one who holds that sentiment.

Now, I’ve decided to stick with my hate, even if it gets me hate

If amala slander can exist, I’ve decided to continue rejecting everything that has chocolate in it. If people decide to act like they’re going to have a seizure, I shall be looking at them like this –