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Hating the day your parents brought you into this world?
There’s nothing more real than that.
We get your hatred, and we see you, because nobody really sent your parents message. But we also know that at some point, you might get tired of feeling that way, so here’s how to force yourself to love the day of your birth just a tiny little bit.
Spread the news of your birth
We’re not saying put it on a billboard or shout it from the rooftops, but tell everyone who matters. Not everyone remembers dates, so it won’t hurt to tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend that the anniversary of the day you originally graced the world with your greatness is fast approaching.
Or don’t spread the news of your birth
It’s also very okay if you just want to be alone for your birthday, read a book and sip on some wine. You get to ease into your birthday and enjoy every moment of it instead of fielding calls and texts from everyone you know and their acquaintances.
Think of all the freebies
In this Agbado economy where Burger peanuts are now ₦520, every freebie counts. Think of all the free food, drinks, gifts and money you’ll get on your birthday if you simply bask in it all.
You don’t have to socialise right away
Just block the calls and texts and social messages out. It’s your birthday, and the only person who should matter on that day is yourself. Ignore everything and everyone and focus on what makes you happy.
Don’t overthink it
Birth what? The birds are chirping, the sun is shining and Tinsel is still showing on African Magic. So what if you get a couple “Happy birthday” calls and messages? It’s just a regular ass day with a little bit more love.
Overthink it
On the other hand, it’s the day you made your grand entrance into the world. Granted, it happened without your permission, but you took it like a champ, so let people celebrate you like the idan you are.
Do something for you
It’s your day, and you should celebrate yourself how you see fit, even if that means burying yourself under a heavy ass blanket in the comfort of your bed.
At the end of the day, the only way to shake off the birthday blues is by doing what works for you, whatever it may be.
That includes letting us show you how to make sure you never receive a bad birthday gift that might ruin your day again.
In this life, everyone has preferences, things they like, things they don’t like. Some people like jollof rice, some like fried, some people like amala, some like semo.
Some people’s preferences are downright nasty (looking at you, semo lovers) but I can respect it, so why can’t people respect how I feel about chocolate? It’s not like I was always a chocolate hater, but like the sun, I had a come-up.
At first, I loved it
Everyone thought shoving chocolates in the mouth of a child was a rite of passage, and back then, I had no beef with it. I accepted chocolates in all its forms: bars, cookies, ice cream, all the works. Matter of fact, if you’d sprinkled chocolate on fufu and fed it to me, I would have probably eaten it.
Back then, it was great, but now I’m older, wiser, and the agbado leader and his cohorts have pushed me into the unwelcoming arms of sapa.
After eating the 999th chocolate, something snapped in my head, but I ignored it.
Till I got my first taste of freedom
All the chocolates I consumed as a child were great, but when I got older, everyone and their daddy took it upon themselves to preach about the dangers of regular chocolate. According to them, dark chocolate was better and healthier I should have clocked it when it was mostly boomers saying, “ Dark chocolate is sweeter, and better.” I should have known better.
I can still remember the way the bitterness hit my tongue, and how it took all of my willpower not to throw up my small intestine.
How do you guys eat that thing?
I slowly started revolting
I was determined to lead the fight against chocolate of all types, shapes, and sizes. I started with chocolate cakes, which wasn’t that hard cause some people add raisins.
Again, how do you guys eat that thing?
But I quickly realized the world isn’t on my side. Every time I said no to chocolate, people looked at me like I just threatened them with another round of cash scarcity.
People: Do you want chocolates?
Me:
Them:
Like people’s overreaction to my newfound enemy wasn’t enough, I still have to battle on Valentine’s Day. People think gifting me boxes of chocolates is romantic and shows love, it doesn’t. As a matter of fact, I think boxes of chocolate are as romantic as a rock with a ribbon on it. But clearly, I’m the only one who holds that sentiment.
Now, I’ve decided to stick with my hate, even if it gets me hate
If amala slander can exist, I’ve decided to continue rejecting everything that has chocolate in it. If people decide to act like they’re going to have a seizure, I shall be looking at them like this –
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Aminat (21) grew up with a dad who adored her, but things quickly changed when he lost his job. In this week’s Sunken Ships, she talks to us about the decline of their relationship and how she bears so much guilt for the state of their relationship when he died.
Tell me about your relationship with your dad growing up
Aminat: My dad and I looked alike a lot. Add the fact that I was also the first child of four, I was my dad’s princess, and he adored me. He worked at Shell and travelled a lot, so I’d see him once every three months. But the time we’d spend together was so good, I’ll use it to console myself till the next time he came home. Whenever he’d come around, he’d bring toys and snacks for me from his trip and was always ready to teach me stuff. I don’t like to talk about it, but I can take apart anything electrical with the right set of tools. He was a mechanical engineer who went into electrical engineering, so he knew how a lot of things worked.
My dad is the reason I’m currently a writer. The first time I wrote something as a child, he decided I would get published. He started making calls and told me if I finished anything, I should bring it to him. I never finished that book. He taught me a lot of things — how to unscrew a socket, the quadratic formula and how much trust to give to men — but the most important is to be self-aware, because he wasn’t.
When did things start getting bad?
Aminat: A lot of things happened to ruin our relationship, but it all started when he decided to quit his job at Shell and go out on his own as a contractor. He got a contract with the Kwara state government, so I went from seeing him once in three months to once in six. He was in Abuja while the rest of the family was in Lagos, so he wasn’t around for any of the important events of my childhood — my primary school graduation, when I got into secondary school, none of that. Throughout JSS 1 and 2, I never saw my dad.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, one day when I was 12, my mum told me we were moving to Abuja. I almost ran mad. I grew up in Lagos and had lived there all my life. How could they just uproot me from everything I’d ever known, to a state so far from everyone I’d known? I was livid. Apparently, he’d gotten another contract in Abuja and wanted us to be together as a family — he’d come home one day and our last born called him “uncle” instead of daddy. After twelve years, he wanted to do family man. I was annoyed.
Aminat: Horrible. I was watching our whole family dynamic scatter before my very eyes.
Scatter how?
Aminat: First of all, when I was 13 years old, he decided he wanted to be a dutiful Muslim. Shey it’s supposed to be a personal journey? But no, he roped us all into his mess. He started harping on praying five times a day and even transferred my siblings and I to Islamic schools.
Were you Muslims before?
Aminat: We were, but the calm ones. My mum was raised Christian and only converted because she married my dad, so she was lax with it. The new lifestyle was very different for me. He even banned music in the house. Me that grew up listening to Brandy, Celine Dion and Westlife? I couldn’t take it. I’d use my mum’s phone to go on YouTube and when he wasn’t around, I’d watch MTV on television. It was hard because between him and Islamic school, I felt guilty listening to music, but I loved it too much to care.
So sorry about that
Aminat: It’s okay. It’s funny because that same year, we found out Mr “best in religion” was spending money on a woman in Abuja all the while my mother was being a good wife in Lagos.
Ah. How did your mum react?
Aminat: She was livid. I don’t know how she found the woman’s name, but she made me search for her on Facebook and stole her number from my dad’s phone. While all this was going on, she didn’t once give my dad the impression that she knew.
Three days after she found out, she called the woman and shouted at her. The woman kept trying to justify it that, as a Muslim, my dad could marry four wives. My mother told the woman she’d kill her if she comes near her or her children. That was the last I heard about that woman.
Did your dad find out about the call?
Aminat: When he came back from work that day, he asked for his food. My mum told him she doesn’t give food to cheats. Once she said that, I ushered all my siblings to their rooms. Thank God I did because my mother started to shout soon after: “I was trying to be a good person in Lagos, but look at you. Abi you think I didn’t have opportunities to cheat? Don’t you have self-control? If you want to marry, marry, but don’t expect me to sit here and take you disrespecting me.” I can never forget the sound of the slap my mother gave him after her speech.
That night, my dad didn’t sleep in the house, and the next day, his family members came to beg my mother. It was a whole thing because, in Abuja, we lived in an estate, so our neighbours could hear all the commotion. People kept telling her to think of the children, but she said he should’ve thought of them too before he cheated.
Did she leave?
Aminat: No, she didn’t. Initially, she acted like she would, but then, my dad fell sick, and she stayed to take care of him. He was in the hospital for two weeks before they took him to the village for a month. During this time, someone on his team stole his contract. He got frustrated and took it out on us, me most especially.
Aminat: Well, because we didn’t have money, I couldn’t go to school for two years. I was a teenager full of angst stuck with a man full of anger. I’d talk back at him, and he’d beat me, sometimes, till I bled. I was thinking of killing myself at this time, so after he’d hit me for doing something, I’d do something worse. In my mind, if I couldn’t kill myself, maybe he could. Gone was the man who took me out to Shoprite so we could spend time together.
I’m so sorry. Did it ever get better?
Aminat: Not at all. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault for not being the perfect daughter he wanted, but after a lot of thinking and therapy, I realised it wasn’t me. I was a child and he was the adult. He should have known better than to punish me for things that weren’t my fault. My dad wasn’t a very good father. That’s why when he fell sick again in 2021, I wasn’t really bothered.
What was wrong with him?
Aminat: He had liver problems, but for a while, instead of going to the hospital, he’d stay at home drinking agbo.
I was in school when he was admitted in a hospital, and my family kept the severity of his sickness from me. I forgot they lie a lot. He died a couple of weeks after, and they didn’t tell me.
How did you find out?
Aminat: I was scrolling through WhatsApp statuses when I saw a picture of my dad. The post said, “May heaven be your abode”, and I wanted to go crazy. When I texted my uncle who’d posted it on his status, he kept telling me things like I should take it easy and be calm, God knows best. I thought he was lying, so I called my mum. When she didn’t pick my calls, it clicked. Since my dad was a Muslim, she was already preparing for his burial.
Why did they keep it from you?
Aminat: My mum didn’t want it to disturb my education. I couldn’t even attend his burial because I was writing exams.
I’m so sorry
Aminat: It’s been a year since he died and it doesn’t really feel real a lot of times. I feel bad for not going to visit him in the hospital before he died. I didn’t see him for up to six months before he died, and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that.
In addition to this guilt, I carry around so much sadness. As much as he was terrible to me as a teenager, he was an amazing dad when I was a child. So when I mourn him, I mourn that version of him. But with all the inner healing I’m trying to do, I’m actively working to not be like him.
The subject of this week’s What She Said is an 18-year-old girl who says her mother hates her. She talks about the death of her father, and the abuse she’s had to endure at the hands of her mother and ex-boyfriend.
What’s your earliest memory of your childhood?
When I was two years old, I wasn’t able to eat regular food. I only ate pap, which had to be in a feeding bottle. My nursery school teacher at the time thought it was because my parents couldn’t feed me, so she fed me noodles. After eating, I vomited.
When my daddy came to pick me up, I told him and he stormed into the school and reported the teacher to the owner. I didn’t mean to put the teacher in trouble, but I told my dad everything.
You and your dad must be close.
Yeah, we were. He was my hero.
Was? What happened?
He passed away when he was 86. I was 16. One morning after he woke up and we bathed him, he went back to bed because he was weak. We sat by him and soon after, he passed.
I miss him so much. Before he died, when he was about 80 years old, he couldn’t eat by himself so he needed to be fed. I was the one who fed him. After he died, it became difficult for me to eat alone.
He protected me from my mum for as long as he could.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Why was he protecting you from your mum?
My parents had different ways of raising and disciplining children.
If I was disobedient, she would flog me with a cane or use a water hose. Around the time I turned 11, she switched to hot water and pepper.
She would put pepper in my eyes, vagina and hands. Sometimes she mixed the pepper with hot water. The older I grew, the worse it got.
I’m so sorry that happened.
When I was 16, there was this girl on our street who always changed her phone. One day, my mum asked her how she changed her phone so often because she lived with her aunt and not her parents. The girl said she has numerous boyfriends who bought her these phones.
After she left, my mom said, “is that not your mate that has men who give her money and buy phones for her. All you know how to do is sleep with boys for free.” And from that day on, the torment got worse. She started expecting me to foot bills in the house.
I couldn’t because I had just gotten into uni. I didn’t have a job or anything. It was around this time I met my 25-year-old ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was smooth for sometime until he met my family and problems started.
When you say family…
My mother and my younger sister. My step-siblings are older, so they don’t live with us. They’re the children from my father’s first marriage.
My younger sister outgrew my mother’s treatment and started siding with her to hurt me. They frustrated me so much.
My sister tried breaking my then boyfriend and I up. She messaged him on Facebook and told him she saw me sending nudes to my male best friend. It was all a lie, but he didn’t believe me. When I reported her to my mother, she told me to forget about it.
My ex stopped trusting me. He would monitor my chats, calls, outings, and my mother allowed it.
I wasn’t allowed to have either male or female friends, and I was only allowed to go to his house. Anything he didn’t allow me to do that I did in the presence of my mum and sister, they’d tell him.
When the lockdown happened, I wanted him to end the relationship. He used to say horrible stuff to me. I was so tired. I kept cheating, but he wouldn’t leave.
My mother’s friend told her that he’s the only one that can control me, so the relationship can’t end. My mother told me I wasn’t allowed to end it.
There was a time he even flogged me with a cane.
He did what?
One time at home, he insulted my mother because of an incident with a missing card. When he left, I called him and insulted him as well.
The next day, he came to my house with four canes, left them in the garage of our house and came to meet me in my room. He told me to repeat what I said on the phone.
I knew he was angry, and I felt trapped. When I tried to leave, he pushed me and my phone fell. When I tried to pick up my phone, he started dragging it with me, then he slapped me, so I slapped him back. He went to the garage to bring the canes.
He flogged my back where my mum had given me a spinal injury before, so I was in so much pain. I’m also asthmatic. I fell down and was crying, but he just kept flogging me.
Was there nobody at home? Did nobody help you?
Initially, when he came, he met my sister and she saw the canes in his hand. He told her to call my mum, and she went. She told my mum, who was at her friend’s house, that he came with canes, but my mum didn’t take her seriously.
After he finished flogging me, he felt bad and went to call my mum from her friend’s house. She saw the cane in his hand, but didn’t know he had already flogged me.
When she came to the house, heard me screaming and ran to meet me. She boiled hot water to help me massage my wounds.
That evening, he started begging me. He said he didn’t know why he did it, and he was sorry. My mum talked to him and told him to go home.
A couple of days later, my mum told me I had to continue the relationship. That I shouldn’t take life too seriously. When I threatened to report the boy to the police, she said she’d disown me.
That must have been so traumatising. How were you able to cope with the lockdown?
It was terrible. When the lockdown intensified, my mum made me stop eating at home because I wasn’t dropping money for food. So, I would wake up in the morning and go to my friend’s house next door. We would work out, cook and eat. She fed me for about three months. Then, my ex complained I spent too much time there, so I wasn’t allowed to go there anymore.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I started using my dad’s money.
Before he died, he linked my sim card to his bank account so I could withdraw money when I needed it. I’d just transfer from his account to mine. The money was about ₦200,000 .
I started using some of the money to invest, but I wasn’t really great at it, so I kept losing money. Eventually, all of the money finished.
My mother was a signatory to the account, and one day she went to the bank and noticed that the money was gone.
By this time, the lockdown had eased so I went back to school in Ibadan. She tried calling me, but I blocked her number. She told my ex to tell me to return the money. My school fees were also due, so I was looking for about ₦300,000.
Doesn’t she pay your school fees?
No, she doesn’t. I’m basically sponsoring myself through school. I reach out to people and if they can, they help me out. If they can’t, I figure it out.
She still expects me to send money home for them to take care of some of their bills. She thinks I’m a prostitute.
My sister sent me a message a while ago, that they need a new freezer and she wants to register for GCSE and WAEC so she needs money.
This must be so much for you to deal with.
It’s a lot. At a point, I wanted to kill myself because of all of the stress. I developed high blood pressure, and I have headaches that never go away no matter how many painkillers I take.
With my school schedule now, I can’t work. The days I ask around and nobody has money to spare for me to get food, I just drink water and sleep.
My dad’s pension comes every month, but it’s not enough because I’m in my final year in a Polytechnic. I need money for my project. If the money for this month gets paid, it’ll finish that day.
If I’m not fast enough and my mother takes the cheque book to the bank to withdraw the money, I’d have to wait till next month.
Have you tried asking your step-siblings for help?
I did in 2019, and they said they weren’t banks. I never asked them for money again.
Do you think there’s a reason your mum does all of this?
When my sister was born, we had a maid that used to live with us. My mother believes that the maid was a witch who initiated us.
How do you feel about your mum?
She gave birth to me, so I don’t think I can hate her, no matter what she’s done.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
There are a lot of things that make Nigerian parents angry, but there are some very specific things that irritate them beyond reason and logic. From seeing their child relaxing to their beef with facial hair, here are 13 things that make every Nigerian parent’s skin crawl.
1. When they see you sleeping after they’ve woken up.
Who sent you to wake up early, abeg?
2. When they see you pressing your phone.
I cannot use my phone again?
3. When they see you having any kind of fun.
Why do you hate joy?
4. When they see you looking idle on the weekend.
Please, weekends are for resting.
5. When they see you looking relaxed.
Do you want stress to kill me?
6. When they see you with your earpiece on.
“REMOVE THAT THING FROM YOUR EAR”
7. Whenever you’re not in the house.
Am I a prisoner?
8. Whenever you miss their call.
You sef see the time you called.
9. When you don’t acknowledge their WhatsApp BC.
Mummy, please stop sending nonsense.
10. When they see you wearing ripped jeans.
“Where is the rest of your jeans?”
11. When a man has any kind of facial hair.
How is my beard offending you now?
12. When they see you with a piercing they didn’t give you.
It’s my body na.
13. When they see you with a tattoo or coloured hair.
Christmas hampers are the ultimate tool for passive aggression. I mean, you just see the things in some hampers and you know the sender is trying to tell you to never contact them again.
So, if you get half of these in a hamper this year, you might want to stop disturbing the sender; because they don’t like you.
1. Fruitcake
Do NOT trust people that like raisins in their cake. Be wary of people that now send them as gifts.
2. Good Morning Cornflakes
Good Morning Cornflakes literally gets soggy at the mere sight of water.
3. Cowbell Milk
If they really liked you, they’d send you milk that actually gets diluted in water. Cowbell is not that milk.
4. Ajinomoto
Nah, if they hate you enough to send this, they might as well just sneak into your house at night and stab you.
5. Cabin Biscuits
See, everybody loves Cabin biscuits, but if it’s not that you’re resuming boarding school anytime soon, what’s the point?
6. Richoco
Milo or Bournvita, please. Anything else is really just rude.
7. Eva “Wine”
No really, what is non-alcoholic WINE?
8. Calendar
One question: WHY?
9. Glucose
Are you about to do inter-house sports? Tell that person to behave, please.
10. Top Tea
Really? REALLY??
11. Candles
They really just want you to burn your house down. Don’t trust them.
Christmas hampers are the ultimate tool for passive aggression. I mean, you just see the things in some hampers and you know the sender is trying to tell you to never contact them again. So, if you get half of these in a hamper this year, you might want to stop disturbing the sender; because they don’t like you.
