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Gym | Zikoko!
  • Do These 10 Things to Avoid Abandoning Your FitFam Goals After January

    Year after year, you start January in the gym with ginger and vim to look like a Marvel avenger. And year after year, you disappear from the gym before February even starts booting. Yes, we know all of you. 

    As Zikoko’s resident gym bro, I’m here to take these shackles off your feet so you can dance squat. Follow these tips if you’re tired of living a fake gym life and ready to achieve your fitness goals for real. 

    Marry your trainer or the owner of the gym 

    Why adopt the fitfam life when you can literally marry into it. If paying money isn’t enough of a commitment to keep you in the gym, then getting married to someone who works there will motivate you to take it seriously this year. After all, a couple that gyms together can break both spiritual and physical yokes against your fitness goals. Amen? 

    Find a babalawo to bury your destiny under the gym 

    Motivation is sweet, but using juju is sweeter. Find the closest babalawo, preferably one who works out (so he can have perspective), and get him to put your destiny in a groundnut bottle you can bury at your gym. This way, the gym will be on your mind 24/7. 

    Pay for a whole year 

    Will you run away from the gym after paying for a whole year? I doubt it. Even if you don’t spend the entire year on the treadmill, that debit alert will haunt and ginger you to spend at least three months in the gym. 

    Break up with your lover today

    No amount of pre-workout, energy drinks or coffee will fuel your workout like severe heartbreak. The pain of leaving a relationship for the confusion and stress of the streets will have you at the gym at 6 a.m. squatting 220 kg with nary a belt in sight. 

    Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast, so why not speed up your own breakfast for the greater good. 

    Start a part-time job as a bouncer 

    The reason you’re not taking the gym seriously is because it’s not part of your job requirements. Didn’t we all learn how to navigate Zoom, Airtable and Notion during the pandemic? One way to commit to the gym this year is by starting a job that requires you to be there 24/7. Have you seen a bouncer without bulging muscles? Neither have I. Do with that information what you will. 

    RECOMMENDED: All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

    Think of all the bed-breaking sex you’ll have 

    Research has it that people who work out last longer in bed. Yes, this is the one I knew you’d like. If you want marathon sex, you must be prepared to run a marathon on the treadmill first. You can’t reap where you didn’t sow. 

    Quit your job 

    If you’re always complaining about your job holding you back from living your best fitfam life, then it’s time to quit. Yes, you might be broke and start begging for money on the streets, but at least you’ll be consistent in the gym. My dear, a win is a win. 

    Find a house close to the gym 

    Why is your gym two buses and a donkey ride away from where you live? See, to excel at this gym thing, you need to live opposite, beside, adjacent, under or on top of a gym. It doesn’t matter what position you take in this arrangement. Please, just be close to the gym. 

    Go for deliverance

    Once again, what God cannot do does not exist. The spirit of abandoning the gym can be broken by some Goya oil and a little dry fast. Go to Shiloh if you must

    Just move into the gym 

    If you’ve tried everything else on this list and nothing stuck, then my dear, I believe it’s time to try something extreme. But not to worry, I have this one final tip. You can’t escape the Smith machine or dumbbells when they’re your roommates. Give this some serious thought. 

    ALSO READ: The 7 Ghetto Struggles of Resuming the Gym After Taking a Long Break 

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
  • The 7 Ghetto Struggles of Resuming the Gym After Taking a Long Break 

    You said “fuck the gym” because you wanted to do detty December. Now, the holiday is over and you have to face your demons AKA all the calories you gained in just two weeks. 

    If you’re resuming the fitness lifestyle after being away for a while, you can relate to these struggles.

    Locating the gym 

    There’s a high chance you won’t remember where your gym is. You can’t even text your fitness trainer because you deleted their number from your phone when they were sending you reminders to come to the gym during the holidays. 

    Soreness 

    The body pain you’ll feel after your first day back at the gym, ehn? For every part of the body you move, you’ll feel pain. Is this gym even worth it sef? 

    Remembering how to do the exercises 

    Your trainer will tell you to do a side jack knife, and your head will start to hurt. Is that a real exercise or not? What the hell are cable chops? Let’s not even go into how your form will be completely shit for the first two days. 

    Dieting 

    You’ve gotten used to eating whatever you want at whatever time you like, and now, your trainer tells you to go back to the life of eating vegetables, intermittent fasting and staying away from alcohol. How are you supposed to do that? 

    ALSO READ:  Eat These Delicious Foods And You Won’t Gain Weight. We Promise

    The stamina of a 70-year-old 

    You that they used to call “Treadmill Usain Bolt”. Two weeks away from the gym and you can’t even run at speed eight for ten minutes straight without panting like a dog in heat. 

    Making it to the gym

    You broke your daily routine of getting dressed and going to the gym. Now every day for the next two weeks, you’llspend a good 30 minutes convincing yourself why fitness is worth it. Your mates that aren’t going to the gym, did they die?  

    Tears 

    After drinking, eating and sleeping the entire holiday, you expect to have added weight (If you’re one of those people who can eat without adding weight, please leave this place, mscheeew). But even with the expectation, you’ll still shed a few tears when you see the number on the scale. Now, you regret eating that plate of jollof rice at 2 a.m. Also, you’ll cry out of frustration because the weight won’t go in one day.

    If you’re not a gym lover, here are All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

  • Pros and Cons of Dating a Gym Bro

    If you’re thinking of dating a gym bro, wait first. Before you make your decision, read about the pros and cons of being with a gym lover first. I’ve listed seven important ones below. If you’re already dating one, well…I don’t know whether to say that I’m happy for you, or to say sorry. Whichever one applies to you. 

    Pro: He’ll do all the heavy lifting 

    You don’t have to worry about changing the water dispenser ever again. He lifts heavier than that in the gym. When you both go grocery shopping, you won’t have to worry about carrying the bags. 

    Con: He’ll use soreness as an excuse to not do anything

    Ask him to wash plates, and it’s, “My body hurts from all the weights I carried at the gym. I really pushed myself.” 

    Pro: He’ll never get tired in bed 

    All that cardio gives him great stamina to last long during sex. He won’t start breathing heavily after two minutes just because of small thrusting and moving around. 

    Con: Forget about morning sex 

    No early morning sex for you because your gym bae will be at the gym from 5:30 a.m. No late morning or afternoon sex either because he’ll be too tired from the gym. Sigh.

    Pro: It’s easy to get them presents 

    Just buy him the latest gym supplement, a new gym bag or workout clothes and shoes, and he’ll love you forever.  

    Con: Money for dates will go to gym supplements 

    Instead of taking you to nice places, he’ll spend all his money on pre-workout and whey protein supplements. Na wa o.

    ALSO READ: You People Are Spending This Much Money on Gym?

    Pro: He’ll never get tired of you sleeping on his arms

    The weight of your head is nothing compared to the dumbbells and barbells he carries every day. Even if your whole body is on his arm, he won’t feel it. 

    Con: He has muscles but can’t fight 

    With all his big muscles, there’s a high chance he can’t fight. So you can’t even threaten anybody who tries to mess with you by telling them, “My boyfriend will beat you.” It’s like having a pet dog that can’t scare intruders.

    Pro: He’ll help with your fitness goals

    You’ll never slack with your fitness goals. He’ll help you stay on track with your diet and make you follow them to the gym. 

    Con: He’ll talk and talk about gym stuff

    He’ll use every opportunity he gets to talk about gym-related things. Every five seconds, you’ll hear about reps and gains. What about gains in the bank account or the holy spirit? 

    Pro: They’re always cooking 

    Gym bros cook a lot because their meals must be made in specific ways to fit their diets. So you’ll never have to worry about hunger because he’ll cook for both of you. I’m not saying it’ll be sweet sha. 

    Con: He’ll try to make you join annoying diets 

    He’s depriving himself of things and wants you to join him in his suffering. Tayo, I don’t care about having a flat stomach. I want to eat shawarma. 

    Pro: He’s very nice to look at 

    His hot gym body is always nice to look at and touch. Yes, please, flex those muscles for me.

    Con: Other people think so too

    As you’re staring at his lovely body, thinking how you can’t wait to be all over that, somebody else is doing the same. And because he’s a man, he’ll cheat. 

    Pro: He can lift you up

    He’ll lift you up without stress. Whether it’s during sex, when your feet are hurting, or when you want to see the stage at a concert and everyone’s blocking you. 

    Con: Pillow fights become dangerous 

    You can’t play certain games because one hit from him will send you to the emergency room. 

    ALSO READ: Pros and Cons of Being a Nigerian Gym Bro

  • All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

    Everything in Nigeria is expensive, and gyms are not left out. So if you’re trying to lose weight or stay fit, you should try these FREE but very effective methods. 

    Portion control

    You may have already tried this, so maybe the problem is not the food you eat. How about you try limiting the access people have to you? Because it’s only see-finish that’ll make people comment on your weight in the first place.

    Live in Nigeria

    Working out is hard, country hard too. So instead of going to the gym, you can stay up to date with all the Nigerian economy news while dating someone in Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt or Benin. Don’t ask us any questions; just try it and you’ll see results. 

    Stop avoiding breakfast

    When you know that breakfast is an essential part of every life. Why are you now running from breakfast then? Let that Yoruba man break your heart. You’ll definitely lose weight. 

    Drink water 

    Food is already expensive. So focus on drinking plenty water and minding your business. 

    Be a side piece

    Nothing makes your heart beat faster than doing something you know you’re not supposed to do. So imagine what all that sneaking around will do for your heart? What other cardio do you need? 

    Start a fight online

    You already spend most of your time online away. So just have a controversial take on any of the never-ending Twitter arguments, and watch them drag you from all corners. It’s like yoga, but with more vawulence. 

    Work in a Nigerian start-up

    If you thought living in Nigeria was hard, try working in a Nigerian startup. Imagine giving your soul and blood for the job, collecting ₦70k salary and still having to be physically present at their island office when you live on the mainland. Ah, you must lose weight. 

    NEXT READ: If You’ve Ever Tried To Lose Weight, These 10 Struggles Will Trigger You 

  • QUIZ: Can We Guess Who You Are at the Gym?

    Every gym has different kinds of people that we feel differently about. But one day, we’ll give a piece of our minds to those people who intimidate us at the gym with their oversabi. If that’s you, take this quiz and we’ll fish you out.

  • You People Are Spending This Much Money on Gym?

    Many things will chop your money in this country. If you’re a frequent gym-goer and a fitness lover, that lifestyle will empty your pocket. 

    I’ve been curious about how much people spend on their fitness lifestyles, so I decided to ask. And all I have to say is that people have money in this country. 

    Tayo*, 39

    My gym subscription costs ₦15,890 per month and I go to the gym four times a week, and my transport is ₦200 daily, ₦4,000 a month. Then, I buy food worth about ₦1,400 on my way back from the gym. I also eat a lot of eggs; I fry 4-5 eggs a day, which means I finish a crate of eggs in a week and a half at most. So I spend about ₦8k on eggs in a month. In total, that’s approximately ₦27,890 on fitness.

    Lionel*, 34 

    I’m trying to eat healthy now, and that takes about ₦10,000 a week from my account. There’s this particular salad I make every day, and it involves a lot of expensive ingredients. The only other fitness thing my money goes into is gym subscription, and that’s ₦60,000 monthly.

    Take this: QUIZ: How Much of a Fitness Guru Are You?

    Amaka*, 26

    I spend about ₦70,000 – 95,000 monthly on my fitness lifestyle. I buy gym clothes spontaneously, I never budget for them. I buy when I see something I like, so I can’t say how much I spend on gym wear. But my gym membership is ₦15k monthly, and I also pay for personal training; another ₦15k. I spend roughly ₦35 – 40k on food each month because I’m mostly on a protein diet and whey protein every other month costs ₦25k. 

    Tunde*, 22

    I don’t spend too much at the moment because I haven’t started using supplements yet. I’m trying to bulk up, but because I don’t have the money to do it the healthy way, I spend on things people consider cheat meals such as a litre of ice cream. That takes about ₦10 – 12k from my pocket. For gym clothes, I visit Iya Chika’s okrika store near my bus stop and buy ashewo shorts and singlets or shirts. I don’t spend more than ₦1,500 per item. Monthly registration at my gym is ₦18k, but they do this corporate package where 3 – 5 people can register at once. So I and three other people from my gym pay ₦13k instead. Transportation to and fro is ₦400 per day, and I go six times a week. In total, I’d say I spend at least 25,000 monthly. 

    Flames, 30

    Most of my money goes to supplements. I buy one protein shake and one pre-workout supplement each month for a total cost of ₦98,000. The other two main things I spend money on are gym membership at ₦15k per month and personal training at ₦25k. I go to the gym five times a week, where I buy at least two bottles of water for ₦200 each. That’s a total of ₦5,000 in a month. In summary, at least ₦143k goes into my fitness lifestyle each month. 

    ALSO READ: 7 Lies All Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients 

    Charles*, 27 

    I pay for my gym yearly, and that costs about ₦192,000. My daily transportation to the gym is about ₦2,000, and I go five times a week. I buy three Whey Proteins at once for ₦32,000 each, so I don’t have to think about that for the next three months. As for food, the major thing I spend a lot of money on is Greek yoghurt. I buy it four times a week, and it costs me ₦1600 each time. I don’t buy clothes that often, but when I do, I spend no less than ₦30,000 because of the bloody dollar rate.

    Damilola*, 35

    I spend ₦13,600 on personal training, and my gym subscription is ₦15,900 monthly. I don’t use supplements because I have no reason to. That money goes into buying vegetables, which cost me at least ₦20k each month. About ₦15 -20k goes into gym outfits and that’s about it. In total, I spend at least ₦64,000 monthly on my fitness lifestyle. 

    Emeka*,25

    About ₦101,000 goes into my love for fitness every month. I’m currently bulking, so I buy a lot of junk food and chicken, and that’s why I spend ₦30k on food monthly. Supplements cost me ₦40k and my gym takes ₦16k from my account monthly. I spend at least ₦5k on gym gear; I’m either buying gloves, knee wraps, lifting straps, etc. And my outfits cost a minimum of ₦10k.

    Diana*, 25 

    I don’t spend that much on fitness majorly because all my money goes into savings. My gym subscription is about ₦16,000, and that’s the highest amount that leaves my account monthly. I buy thrift gym clothes, but not often. The last time I bought some was in March, and it cost me about ₦4k. The most I’ve ever spent on gym wear is ₦16k. As for food, I live in my parents’ house, so I don’t buy anything. I’m not exactly on any diet, so there’s no need for me to spend money on specific types of food. I walk to the gym and back because it’s not far from my house, so I don’t spend on transport. 

    ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Dating a Gym Rat

  • All the Weird Things Men Can Say in the Gym and During Sex

    Whether we want to admit it or not, working out feels like a very sexual thing. From routines like hip thrusts and squats to push ups, there’s something about all these movements that just scream fornication! It also doesn’t help that personal trainers and gym rats keep shouting these sexual phrases at one another. 

    Oh, and in case you didn’t know, sex is also a form of exercise that burns a ton of calories. 

    Here’s a list of things men can say in the gym and also during sex.

    1. “Arch your back properly” 

    How are you going to get good results if they don’t put their back into it? It doesn’t matter whether it’s an intense session with your sneaky link or a sweaty gym session with your bros, everyone needs to arch their  backs.  

    2. “Maintain your grip” 

    Sometimes you have to remind them to “hold it well” so it doesn’t fall and get somebody injured. No matter what you’re doing, safety must always come first. I’m just looking out for you bro. 

    3. “What am I supposed to do with this one?” 

    Omo, you’re not alone. We all get confused sometimes. Either the equipment is too big, too small or just not what you expected. It’s better to ask questions than to make mistakes. Sho get? 

    4. “Bend down well”

    This one is very important. Please go down low  so you can get a good work out dear. 

    RECOMMENDED: 11 Things You Can Say on a Zoom Call and Also in the Bedroom

    5. “This thing is heavy o”

    It do usually be shocking sometimes. LOL

    6. “Push your chest out”

    Are we here to play? Please push your chest out so you don’t injure yourself.

    7. “This position is painful” 

    Shout it if necessary, because if you keep quiet, you’re just doing yourself. 

    8. “Work on your form”

    See, form is everything. It doesn’t matter how low, deep or heavy you go, if your form is trash, the whole session is trash. There’s also a chance you might break your back or knees. Is it really worth it? 

    9. “Don’t rush it, feel every pump” 

    Working out and having sex is way better when everyone involved takes their time to really enjoy the process. Why are you running? Breathe in and out, calm your nerves and enjoy everything. 

    10. ” We can take turns “

    Where’s the fun in either working out or having sex if you’re doing just one thing from start to finish? Boring! 

    11. “Can you spot me?”

    No man is an island. We should all be our brother’s keepers both in the gym and during knacks. 

    12. “Are you done?” 

    Too much of anything is not good — except money sha. Sometimes you have to remind the other person that you have other things to do. You can’t be working out or fornicating from morning to night abeg. 

    ALSO READ: 12 Things You Can Say During Sex And At A Job Interview


  • Pros and Cons of Being a Nigerian Gym Bro

    These days, almost every guy is going to the gym and working out as if there’s a war coming and we just don’t know what to make of it. With the rate at which mandem are hitting the gym these days, it only felt right that we explore some of the pros and cons of becoming a Nigerian gym bro. 

    Pro: People fear you because they think you can fight

    The moment your chest starts looking like throw pillows trapped under a blanket and your arms look bigger than someone’s head, everyone around you automatically assumes you know how to fight. You’ll find men hailing you randomly with “big man”, “boss” and every other oga-adjacent name in the Nigerian dictionary. This is good for your self-esteem, and to be honest, it’s just great to know no one will try nonsense with you out of fear. 

    Con: Muscle is vanity and you can’t fight

    Tell the truth and shame the devil. Can you fight? Having big ass muscles is great, but you’ll need more than that to win a fight. Remember how small David finished Goliath with a catapult? That’s about to be you when you decide to use your vanity muscles in a real fight and die because your opponent decided to throw an antique Nokia phone at your forehead. Better sit down and add more whey protein to your pap.

    Pro: Women want to hold and touch your arms all the time 

    Women love to hold arms. I don’t know why, but it does something for them. That and rubbing a bald head like they’re expecting a genie to jump out of it. When you become a gym bro with big arms, your girl and her girls will grab your arms for no reason. It’s actually cute. 

    Cons: Women really really like the arm thing and you’ll get tired of it

    Even though I initially described it as cute, the cuteness will wear off and you’ll slowly start dying inside. Sis, leave my arm alone now! Do you want to remove it and take it home as a souvenir from my burial? 

    Pro: Going to the gym and eating clean improves your mental and physical health

    Every gym bro who actually eats right and maintains a consistent routine will tell you that they wake up and go to bed feeling really good. Yes, life and this shithole Nigeria will frustrate you daily and no amount of Romanian Deadlifts can save you from that. But at least you know the one place you can escape and be in control is the gym, and it feels so fucking good. 

    Cons: Improved mental and physical health, but at what cost? 

    Living a healthy life is expensive AF! Why am I buying a “healthy” wrap full of leaves for ₦3000 when I can buy a shawarma and a low-budget bottle of diluted wine for the same amount. Then there’s a gym membership, protein shake, creatine and pre-workout money? It’s too much abeg. 

    RECOMMENDED: 8 Workouts that are Definitely from the Pits of Hell

    Pro: You’ll look good naked

    I don’t even have to say too much about this. Gym bros and removing their clothes unprovoked go hand in hand. Working out builds your confidence and that’s why all you need to do is breathe and a gym bro will take off his shirt (and pants sometimes) just to show you his gains. Oshey, Ikeja Chris Hemsworth! We keep saying it’s to track progress, but deep down, we’re just whores of Babylon. 

    Con: Your whole existence becomes a thirst trap

    The moment you post a shirtless picture or a picture in your underwear tracking your quads or hamstrings growth, people will rush into your comments shouting “thirst trap” and “ashewo”. It’s almost like gym bros can’t breathe without being sexualised. We just want to have peace and be treated like every other human. Is that too much to ask? 

    Pro: Your clothes will fit better

    When you work out, clothes fit better. You can rock the yassified version of the classic igbo man mosquito net shirt or really tight shirts, and it’ll all just fit like a glove. Your clothes will always give what they’re supposed to give. But kindly note that if you didn’t know how to dress before,, becoming a gym bro isn’t some How Do I Look? style intervention. 

    Con: Your old clothes don’t fit anymore

    Being naked is not a bad thing, but at some point, you’ll have to wear clothes and what will you do when your clothes don’t fit anymore? We talk about this sensitive issue in hushed tones and it gets swept under the rug a lot, but the same thick thighs that save lives do usually rip your jeans every two months. Your favourite trousers will turn into leggings and your favourite shirt will start to restrict your airflow. E choke for real, my brother. Who has money to be changing clothes in this economy? 

    Pro: You make friends with other gym bros

    There’s always a community of other gym bros looking to support and champion you on. When you hit a new personal record, they’re there to hail you. And when you feel like you can’t push through that final rep, they’ll scream and shout until you actually do it. It’s actually really sweet how gym bros show up for each other. 

    Con: Weight can fall on your head any time, any day

    This is pretty self-explanatory. As someone who has had a barbell fall on his face and scatter his teeth, I can confirm that this and other gym accidents usually happen once in a while. Are you sure you can handle it? 

    ALSO READ: 8 Types Of Men You’ll Meet At The Gym

  • Hilarious Reasons to Maintain Your Ginger In the Gym Beyond January

    After almost 40 days and 40 nights, January is finally coming to an end. 

    Knowing that most of you love to live fake lives, we can bet that the end of January will mark your last day in the gym even after all the “New year, new me” gra-gra you were doing. While working out is hard AF, it comes with a lot of perks. We decided to compile a list of benefits that might inspire you to maintain your gym ginger for at least another three months. 

    1. You did this quitting shit last year already, change. 

    In 2021, you joined the gym in January and didn’t even wait for the month to end before you ran away. Now, here you are again in 2022 about to do the same thing. Are you not ashamed of yourself? Are you not embarrassed? If you want to join, join. If not, stay at home and eat your semo like the heathen that you are. 

    2. So you can fight your boss when they delay your salary 

    This one is very necessary. If you work in an office where they keep owing you salary, we advise you to summon up courage and fight your boss. To do this effectively, you have to be fit. If you beat them once, chances are your salary will never come late again. 

    3. Time to frustrate your ex

    You see that ex that showed you pepper? It’s time to give them revenge body. One of you will have to deactivate their socials because the internet will not be able to contain both of you. 

    4. Win back your ex

    We know some of you, they’ve used rope to tie your destiny. So if your goal is to go back to your ex and win their affection, a new gym body might just do the trick. If they break up with you again, you can channel your hot tears into more reps at the gym. Either way, you win . 

    5. So you can last longer in bed

    Research carried out by people who fornicate regularly seem to indicate that people who work out tend to last longer in bed. Yes, that’s the one you like abi? We’re not surprised. If you’re looking for marathon sex in 2022, we’ll suggest you run a marathon on the treadmill first. Simple arithmetic, that is the figure eight. 

    6. Starting an Onlyfans 

    2022 is about income diversification; banker by day, Onlyfans entrepreneur by night. If you need the motivation to stay in the gym, think of all the cold hard foreign currency you’ll be getting from being a lirru bit spicy on the interwebs. 

    7. Summer 2022 is for crop tops 

    If I don’t start wearing crop tops by June this year, call me a — never mind. 

    8. So you can fight conductors for change

    We’re not taking nonsense this year. It’s time to rack conductors that keep trying us because honestly, enough is enough. If you go to the gym and get big muscles, they won’t even have the liver to try you in the first place. 

  • 6 Hilarious Gifts to Give Your FitFam Lover this Christmas

    Christmas is coming, and as usual, we’re forced to buy gifts for other human beings in the name of “relationship”. Anyway, if your lover likes to spend countless hours in the gym instead of in bed with you, we have a couple of affordable gift options they’d love to have while working out. While some might sound ridiculous, we implore you to take risk and succeed. 

    1. Ashawo shorts

    If you ask a gym bro why they love ashawo shorts, they  will tell you it allows them to spread their legs to squat properly, but we all know it’s a bloody lie from Lucifer. It’s just an opportunity to advertise their toned thighs in the gym. If you are looking to help your lover sell their market, you should probably order a pack of these. 

    2. Primary school water bottles

    Working out can leave you dehydrated and that’s why having a bottle of water at all times is very essential. Looking to go the extra mile to ensure your lover has a steady supply of cold water at all times? Well, we suggest you invest in one of the water bottles we used to take to school when we were younger. These bottles are so heavy, they could pass for gym equipment. All your partner has to do is hang the rope on the neck while doing pull ups. We’ve heard the results are mind-blowing.

    3. Curate a playlist filled with chaotic Terry G songs

    As a supportive partner, we suggest you create a playlist with old Nigerian songs that are chaotic and loud for no reason at all. Nothing gingers a person  more in the gym than listening to Terry G’s Free Madness. Listening to songs like this constantly while lifting crazy weights will definitely free their inner madman. It might not be your main goal, but in this life, you reap what you sow. 

    4. Food flask

    We’ve all seen that picture of people turning a Nigerian gym into Mama Put. Well, buying your partner a food flask for the gym shows that you’re a thoughtful lover with foresight. The next time they go to the gym and there’s food, they’ll be able to bring a little takeaway home to you. They can also use the food flask to eat swallow when they decide not to do this gym thing again. 

    5. White handkerchief, not towel

    We all sweat in the gym, so this is important. Get your partner a pack of white handkerchiefs they can use in the gym. Why? Well, if you get them a towel, chances are they might become lazy and not wash it (God help you if it’s brown). To avoid stories that touch, get them white handkerchiefs, so any time they see the dirt from their face they’ll be forced to wash their handkerchiefs. Also, if they ever decide to become cultural dancers, handkerchiefs would be the least of their worries.

    6. Pay for their gym membership for a year

    This is for people who have funds. If you’re broke, kindly wait for the next Black Friday or Christmas bonanza at your local store. Like Davido said, “Love is sweet o. When money enter love is sweeter.”

  • 8 Workouts that are Definitely from the Pits of Hell

    No matter how often you do them, some workout routines just feel like they were created in hell’s torture department. Some people will tell you that these moves are “easy” or “fun”, but they are dirty bitches who live a fake life… Here are some of the hellish exercises that make us want to shrivel up and die every time we try them.

    1. Planks

    No exercise steals your joy like the plank. If you’ve ever wanted time to stand still, then plank. 60 seconds begin to feel like 60 minutes, and you’ll find yourself sweating like a whore in church.. Whoever invented this move must have been a sadist. But it works sha. 

    2. Hanging leg raises

    This is another move that looks easy until your soul starts screaming for help. Why would anyone think it makes sense to suspend yourself in the air and start lifting your legs? Why? Yes, it’s effective. But that doesn’t make it any less demonic, dear. 

    3. Front squats

    We already established the importance of training your legs here. But one thing we’re not going to be doing in this house is front squats. Probably one of the hardest variations of the barbell squat, this move will have you calling for your mummy even if you manage to do it correctly (if you do it anyhow, you’re on your own). Like, can we live? Squats are already hard enough, this is just extra and the gym bros are overdoing it please. 

    4. Burpees

    One day, you’re trying to escape punishments in secondary school. Next thing, you’re grown and now paying to undergo the same punishments you barely survived. Life really comes at you fast.  If you really deep it, burpees are a combination of frog jump and “raise your hand and close your eyes”. All these moves that combine two or three moves into one, for who, please? Did we tell you we wanted to be part of the Avengers? 

    5. Lateral Lunges

    This is the one where you hold a kettlebell or dumbbell and then do your lunges to the side. The important question here is: why? Some people now decide to be extra by doing it with a barbell above their head. Life is vanity upon vanity o! This show off you are showing off will not matter after you leave this world o.  Let’s all take it easy. It’s not that serious. 

    6. Deadlifts

    One of the best moves to add to your routine, deadlifts are one of the key full-body workout moves for total body strength. . The problem is, they also hurt like hell! If you do it right, it hurts. If you don’t do it correctly, omo, your back is doomed. t There’s just too much going on, and all for what? So we can post thirst traps? You see this body, however, you see it, just take it like that please. 

    7. Prisoner get-ups

    The problem already starts with the name. Why are we doing something that was clearly created for people in Kirikiri? If you hear this name and still decide to do this move, then anything you see, take it like that.

    8. Honestly, any ab workout

    If there’s one thing, working our “abs” has taught us, is that there’s nothing wrong with having a lirru bit of fupa . After all, on judgment day, they won’t create a separate queue for people with six-packs. So, my dear brothers and sisters, stop stressing yourselves and focus on your heavenly race abeg. 

  • Dear Nigerian Men, Please Don’t Skip Leg Day

    Yes, we get it, leg day is scary. So many things could go wrong on this dreaded day, from your legs giving way mid-workout to your shorts ripping to reveal your bum while you’re dropping it low mid squat. But the truth is, with going to the gym, random accidents can happen regardless of what you’re working on. Then there are the men who see the squat rack and immediately think to themselves, “But what do I need a big booty for?”, Well, while doing lunges might give you a big booty (nothing bigger than what God planned by way of genetics), training your legs, in general, does a lot more than that. Did you know your gluteus maximus a.k.a your booty is the biggest muscle group in your body? Not those rock-hard abs or bulging biceps, it’s your behind! 

    With this in mind, we’ve compiled 5 reasons you shouldn’t skip leg day. Read and be blessed. 

    It helps you build more muscles….all over

    There’s a common misconception that working on your legs only builds, well, your legs. However, this isn’t the case. While your legs might be the primary focus, these moves also engage several other muscle groups. For instance, when you squat, you have to tighten your core, which in turn works your abs. Then there’s the scientific evidence which shows that performing leg-focused exercises increases your testosterone levels, increasing your muscle mass and your performance in the bedroom. Yes, that too! 

    You get to burn more calories

    Remember we mentioned legs being the biggest muscle group? Well, to work on a muscle group like that, you’d need a lot of energy, which means your body will have to burn more calories. Talk about practical magic – the more you train legs, the better your metabolism works and the more calories you burn. Running up and down like your enemies are chasing you is a good way to burn calories, but let’s suggest mixing it up with some squats, lunges, and deadlifts. You’ll thank us for this combo. 

    You perform better at other exercises

    Once your legs are in top shape, chances are you’ll find it easier to perform other routines. From running to lifting heavy weights, your legs are the foundation of every move you make. If you avoid training legs, your strength at the gym will be limited, and in this tough economy, we’re sure you don’t want to waste your gym subscription. 

    You don’t want to look like  Johnny Bravo

    We all know those guys in the gym, the ones who strut around the weights room, invisible from the waist down. Yeah, trust us when we say you don’t want to be that guy. 

    Working on your legs reduces your chances of getting injured

    Ever blown your back out in the gym? It’s nothing like the sexual version, trust us. You should know that lower back pain is oftentimes caused by weak muscles, particularly weak legs. Strengthen your leg muscles, bruh.  

    The next time you walk into the gym and think squatting is a “women’s” thing, think again. Also, what’s wrong with a man having a booty? 

  • 4 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Experiences At The Gym

    I spoke to four Nigerian women about what visiting the gym as a woman is like. Here’s what they had to say:

    black woman in the gym

    Bibi, 22

    I always have a pleasant experience at the gym but there was this day, my friends and I were on the mat and the instructor was helping us stretch our bodies. It was painful and we were screaming. Three guys walked in while this was happening. One of them said, “See the way they are screaming. Their screams would make a sweet ringing tone.” 

    I hissed in annoyance and his friend tried to apologise on his behalf. He said, “But he said it would be nice, na.” I was embarrassed because there were other people at the gym and they were laughing at the joke. When I got up from the mat, I gave him a piece of my mind. Rubbish. 

    Mel, 21

    I am a regular at the gym. One day, while I was working out, I noticed the owner of the gym watching me. I continued my routines, trying to ignore him but he started changing the trash bags and wiping down tables so he could be close enough to watch me. I caught his eyes several times and he didn’t stop. I knew I was safe because there were other people in other parts of the gym but I was definitely weirded out. 

    Dawn, 23

    I am a self-conscious person, especially around other people so being at the gym wearing tight clothes makes me uncomfortable. On some days, I wish men would not look at me. Male attention makes me uncomfortable.

    I also wish they wouldn’t assume I don’t know what I am doing and try to help me. If I need help, I’d ask. Why do they have to touch my arms to get my attention, when they can see that I can see and hear them?  Because of this, I pay per day at gyms because I expect to feel uncomfortable and leave. 

    I found a women-only gym in Lekki that I want to try. I hope I get to have personal space there. 

    Wendy, 24

    The best part of going to the gym is watching my body transform as I work out but the worst part is men talking to me at the gym. They either try to hit on me or tell me what to do. 

    There was the time I went to a gym in Aba and this man came to disturb me. Normally, I lift dumbells of 10kg but I had an injury on my elbow so I was lifting 5kg that day. As I was doing my sets, this guy walked in and said, “If you are trying to lose weight, you should be lifting heavier weights. If not, you are wasting your time.” I ignored him but he stood in front of me, insisting that I pick up the heavier dumbells. When I got tired of ignoring his presence, I told him to fuck off. He walked away saying I was rude. Why are men? 

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Gym Rat

    If you’re thinking of dating a gym rat, the best place to meet them is a gym.  If you go to the gym and see these extremely fit people, or even the gym instructor and all of a sudden you’re catching feelings. My dear, it’s dehydration, kill that crush because here are 10 things you will have to deal with if you date them.

    1. They blend everything

    The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Gym Rat.

    Irrespective of taste difference, they will blend it. At odd hours in the morning, mid-afternoon, late at night? If drinking their disgusting mixtures doesn’t kill you, all that noise will. You shouldn’t be dating someone that is trying to kill you.

    2. They carry water bottles everywhere

    The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Gym Rat.

    I have no problem with people carrying portable tanks up and down but the moment you’re a little thirsty and you ask them for water? Very stingy set of people.

    3. If they are on a diet, you are on a diet

    Your new gym rat partner will disturb you about what you eat so much and if you don’t have a very strong will, you’d end up giving in. The worst part is that they recommend that you eat everything but that actual version of human food e.g carrot milk, wtf is that?

    4. Understand that you’re in a throuple

    You are dating them and the gym at once. For your sake, don’t ever ask a gym rat to choose between you and the gym because it will end in premium tears.

    5. All their hoodies are either skintight or sleeveless

    Very inconsiderate people as you can see because why are they wearing something you can’t steal? Must everyone see their gains? Dating a gym rat is a brave task only a few can do.

    6. They will pick you up randomly for no reason

    The feeling of being carried is top tier. Until they start using you as a weight lifter when their gym membership expires by mistake for one day.

    7. They don’t cheat

    It’s not because they can’t oh but because between all the time they spend at the gym and with you, they can’t make time to cheat. Except it’s a Nigerian man then lmao.

    8. They wake up very early

    Nobody kuku sent you

    You must surely know this since you’ve decided to date a gym rat. Make your peace with this and invest in earplugs.

    9. They hog the mirror

    This seems like something small but imagine that you’re late to work and you can’t look at the mirror because your partner is busy flexing their pecs for one hour, just imagine.

    10. They give gifts all the time

    Gym membership there, a water bottle here, running shoes, headphones. They’re basically begging you to join their cult.

    If you like this, you can read more here

  • 8 Types Of Men You’ll Meet At The Gym

    The gym is the place you go to to get buff, stay healthy or both. However, it seems like some people have their own reasons for showing up at the gym. If you see your sub here, accept it like that and fix up accordingly. Don’t cry, don’t beg.

    1. The ones who came to disturb women

    These ones are probably the most annoying; the ones who see women focusing on their workouts but decide that that’s the best time to come and talk to them. Kindly desist from such.

    2. The ones that like to hog equipment like it’s their father that bought it

    Bros, it’s all of us that paid for gym. Let everybody use. Don’t sleep there.

    3. The show-offs

    These ones didn’t come to workout. They only came to show off their new workout gear.

    4. The I-Too-Knows

    They always have advice for you, whether you asked for it or not. Please leave my form alone, nobody asked you.

    5. The ones that think gyming is a competition

    These ones think you came to gym to see who can carry the heaviest weight. Bros, leave my dumbbell alone. Na me know my size.

    6. The ones who like shouting

    Any small thing, these ones are shouting because they’re working out. Uncle abeg, lower your tone. It’s not childbirth.

    7. The ones that leave sweat on the equipment

    Fear God now. Wipe the equipment with a towel before and after you use it.

    8. The ones that like staring

    These ones will stare at you so much that you have to check whether horns grew on your head. Don’t face your workout, you hear? Be looking.

  • 6 Annoying Kinds Of Nigerians You See At Every Gym

    1) The Freshers:

    They’re usually overwhelmed by the whole scene so they stand frozen like a deer in headlights, which makes them easy to spot. If you spot one, don’t make fun of them. Be nice and offer to help. We are decent people in this house.

    2) The OGs

    The moment you see them, you know they’ve gotten used to this fitfam thing. They walk into the gym with a sunny disposition, which is annoying because gym equipment are just torture contraptions in disguise. What the fuck do they have to be excited about??

    3) The Muscle Heads:

    Fear these people. Chances are your gym goals are WAY different from theirs. And even if your goal is to one day also look like a lumpy loaf of bread, you still have a long way to go before you get to their level. My point is, working out with them or copying their workouts without adjustments for your weight size will end with you in sifia pains.

    4) The Slay People:

    Even these ones come to the gym regularly, their top priority isn’t working out. It’s to take cute gym pictures and videos then can tension their social media followers with.

    5) The Talkers:

    These ones never do anything and are seemingly just there to give work out advice…to people that didn’t ask for it. Just like the image above, they don’t understand (or just choose to ignore) social cues that are meant to let them know that their victims are uncomfortable.

    6) The Ministers of Enjoyment:

    They pay their monthly subscriptions but only show up when there’s a gym celebration or get together of some kind.

  • 12 Things Every Nigerian Who Is Doing #FitFam2020 Will Get

    For most people, the number one thing on their list of New Year resolutions is joining #FitFam. Well, if you made that promise to yourself as you entered 2020, then this post is for you.

    1. Your body, when you promised to join #FitFam in 2020:

    “We’ve heard this before.”

    2. You, dusting off your gym clothes from #FitFam2019:

    I swear this time will be different.

    3. You, refusing to return to the gym after one session:

    Nah. Nope. Never. I can’t come and kill myself.

    4. When you see how much you spent on healthy food.

    From where to where?

    5. You, shamefully waking up at midnight to eat eba:

    Don’t look at me.

    6. You, judging yourself whenever you cheat on your diet:

    “After all the mouth you made?”

    7. You, begging the calories in shawarma to reduce:

    Please na. Just reduce for today.

    8. When you climb the scale and the number has gone up.

    What sorcery is this?

    9. When someone posts their body transformation.

    Abeg, shift.

    10. When someone who is eating says “come and join me”.

    Please, don’t tempt me.

    11. How you reward yourself after eating a salad:

    I’ve earned this.

    12. You, secretly hoping the Okada ban helps you lose weight.

    At least, let one good thing come out of this nonsense.

  • 1. The Newbies

    They’re easy to spot because they obviously have no idea what they’re doing. If it’s a guy, he’ll probably be too proud to ask for help until a dumbbell crushes his big toe. This won’t happen to a newbie girl sha because chances are she’s already getting all the help she needs from the guys there.

    2. The New Year Resolutioners

    You usually see them around the beginning of the year. They’re the ones that make new year’s resolutions to eat healthy and exercise more so for the first few days of the year they try their best to keep this promise they’ve made to themselves. Eventually the flesh gets weak and will power dies so they vanish before the middle of January. Never to be seen again until the same time next year.

    3. The Slay Queens

    They’re always dressed in needlessly stylish gym clothes and are ALWAYS in full makeup. They never stress themselves too much so  their makeup won’t get ruined by sweat. You’ll find them in front of the gym mirrors, taking selfies and making Snapchat videos. This is pretty much the only reason they’re at the gym. So they can take pictures and upload to Instagram later with the caption #FITFAM.

    4. The Gym Junkies

    These ones know damn well what they’re doing because they’ve been doing it for years. You can’t miss them. They’re built like tree trunks. They can poke out your eye with their chest. The damage they would inflict on you, if you got in a fight with one of them, would be so great it would affect your unborn children. If you’re a newbie looking for fitness advice, don’t go to these guys. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be new so they’ll most likely give you advice that if you follow, will end with you getting injured.

    5. The Oversabis

    These ones are just there to give unsolicited advice to everybody. They’re the ones that will see someone trying to lose weight and start telling them nonsense like, “You have to do 5000 power skips on one leg” OR “If you really want to lose weight you have to skip breakfast AND dinner” which of course is terrible advice. Also, under the pretext of “telling it like it is”, they can be very rude. They usually prey on the newbies.

    6. The Observers

    I only added this category so I could acknowledge myself. I played this role so I could write this article. You’re welcome.

    If you plan on joining #FitFam, you should read this next article so you don’t embarrass yourself when you finally join a gym.

    That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym
  • This Is For Everyone Still Doing FitFam

    1. So at the beginning of the year, you said you were going to be healthier.

    2. You determined to become a card carrying member of FitFam.

    3. In fact, some of your friends joined you!

    4. But it’s now February and no one is to be found!

    5. It’s just you, lone soldier.

    6. This is you, running your bumbum away in the gym.

    7. Your former comrades are laughing at you, like.

    8. Every time you see rice, bread or cake you can’t have, you’re like:

    9. Meanwhile you’re not sure this might have been the best idea anymore!

    10. All your clothes don’t really fit anymore.

    11. And there isn’t any money to buy new ones.

    12. People in church keep asking you if you’re suffering.

    13. And your mother believes you are rude because you no longer eat all her food.

    14. But keep doing you, dying in the gym and saying no to rice.

    15. When you reach your final form, they will all know!

  • Meet Wang Deshun, an 80-year-old Chinese actor, model and artist whose body is showing no signs of frailness or old age. He is undoubtedly the world’s China’s oldest and hottest grandpa.

    Wang Deshun created a major national buzz after he strutted his stuff on the catwalk at the 2015 Beijing International Fashion Week.

    He created his own pantomime dance group at 49, and started his first gym session at the age of 50. He swims and exercises for about 3 hours daily.

    The father of two, who turned 80 this year says he believes he still has a lot of potential. He plans on parachuting sometime soon.

    The 80-year-old is keen on changing China’s perception of aging. According to him “nature determines your age, but you determine your state of mind”.

    We also want to be sizzling hot like this in our old age, but ‘eba and egusi’ won’t let us be great .

    Don’t be like us though. Here’s some inspiration for you to take your fitfam more seriously!

    https://youtu.be/HX4saxIfPYw
  • 13 Struggles You’ll Get If You Hate The Fit Fam Life

    1. So you wake up one morning and realize your clothes don’t fit anymore.

    Wait, what’s happening?

    2. Then you realize you’re getting fat. Very fat!

    Hay God!

    3. So you run out to buy work out clothes so you can join fitfam.

    I must fit into my beautiful clothes!

    4. You even spend your small savings on a pair of Nike sneakers, because this fitfam life has to be perfect.

    Fitfam is not a joke.

    5. You decide to start with jogging every morning.

    I can even meet some fine boys sef.

    6. But after jogging down the stairs, your legs are already complaining.

    My back! My legs!

    7. But you remember all the clothes you have to give out if you don’t slim down.

    Not gonna happen!

    8. So you manage to get outside your gate looking like:

    Who sent me message?

    9. You now see some hot babes jogging effortlessly.

    Are these ones human sha?

    10. And no hot boy is even looking at you, except old men.

    Urgh who are these men?

    11. After 20 minutes, you manage to crawl back home like:

    Tired. So tired.

    12. Your legs won’t even let you stand up to do anything.

    Kuku kill me.

    13. That’s when you decide this fitfam life is not for you.

    It’s not my type they are looking for.
  • That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym

    So a few months after my boyfriend broke up with me, I bumped into him at a restaurant!

    Oh no!

    He was with one hot babe, looking happy and satisfied!

    Can you imagine?

    Meanwhile I had been crying day and night.

    As if somebody died!

    Eating every and anything edible.

    Kai!

    And generally behaving like the world had come to an end.

    What is this world without love?

    After seeing him looking so happy and satisfied I decided to change.

    If he can move on, so can I!

    So the first thing I decided to do was join a gym.

    And become the hottest babe in Nigeria!

    When I got there I saw so many men looking delicious.

    Hunks everywhere!

    I decided I must impress them by force, by fire.

    Yes oh!

    So first I spent some time stretching.

    Before muscle pull would come and finish me on one machine.

    Right after that, I got on a treadmill.

    To run from my problems.

    After a leisurely 3 minute stroll, I decided to increase the speed and incline.

    Because I’m the baddest babe.

    After 2 minutes and 11 second, I was like:

    Hayyy I have entered one chance.

    After 2 minutes and 53 seconds I was like:

    Somebody please help me.

    By the time I got to 3 minutes and 5 seconds I knew I had to stop:

    It’s all over oh!

    People of God that is how I fell on the treadmill oh!

    See shame oh!

    All of a sudden I was surrounded by a few of the gym hunks, who had rushed over to see if I was okay.

    Hmm could this be my silver lining?

    One of them said “you should really take it easy if you haven’t done this before”.

    Uncle is that what we are talking about now?

    I even heard a few laughing.

    Will this shame never end?

    When I finally stood up, I saw my ex staring right at me!

    HAYYYYYYYY!What is this one doing here?

    Before I could collapse from shame all over again I hobbled out of that place.

    Na wa oh!

    I have never gone back to that gym.

    So that they can point and laugh at me abi?

    And I blame it on that my useless ex boyfriend.

    Wretched guy!
  • 12 Things You Could Be Doing If You Weren’t Always Stuck In Lagos Traffic

    If I were to start this post by calculating how much time we spend commuting to work every month, most people would just be too depressed to read on. So I’ll just leave that to your imagination (seriously guys, don’t actually calculate it, it’s way worse than you think).

    adopted traffic

    Anyway, I’m sure we can all agree that Lagos traffic is the thorn in almost every office worker’s flesh. So, out of anger, but mostly frustration, I decided to compile a list of what our lives might actually look like, if we didn’t have to factor in that agonising rush hour traffic.

     

    1. MORE SLEEP!

    sleep two

    That’s it. List is over. Good Night. Well, no, but you already know everything else on this list will pale in comparison to actually getting a full nights rest. Damn I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

     

    2. Have a Social Life

    dancing

    Remember that? Remember when you didn’t have to lie to your friends about being too busy to hang out, when you’re actually just too tired? Those were the days, huh?

     

    3. Actually like your job

    love my job

    Trust me, the resentment you feel towards your boss is deeply rooted in the road rage you have to deal with on your daily commute. It’s enough to make anyone cranky.

     

    4. Get that dream body

    dream body

    I mean, sure, there are some people that still find time to hit the gym after spending forever on third mainland bridge, but we all know they are crazy.

     

    5. EVEN MORE SLEEP!!

    sleep alarm

    Seriously, wouldn’t it be nice to not have a love-hate relationship with your alarm’s snooze button

     

    6. Enjoy your relationship

    relationship

    More time to spend with bae. I don’t see a downside, but that’s probably because I’m single (I blame that on Lagos traffic too)

     

    7. Actually eat breakfast

    breakfast

    Like the proper eggs, toast, and hot chocolate type breakfast. I miss those. I REALLY miss those. I do manage to sneak in some cereal on a good day, but that doesn’t count.

     

    8. Catch up on all your favourite shows

    watching tv

    How far behind on Scandal are you? Have you even started the new season of Game of Thrones? SMH!

     

    9. ‘Maybe’ attend midweek sermons

    church

    Wouldn’t it be nice if the pastor didn’t sub your one-service-a-week ass every Sunday?

     

    10. MORE SLEEP, PLEASE!!!

    sleep

    Do I even have to explain?

     

    11. Have a Radio-Cleanse

    radio

    If I have to listen to Kiss Daniel’s Woju or the voice of a certain unbearably annoying OAP one more time, I will actually kill someone.

     

    12. Be Happier

    happy

    Have you noticed how annoyingly cheerful people who live close to where they work are? Don’t you just hate them?


    Did I miss anything? What would you do with that extra time if you weren’t always stuck in traffic? Please, sound off in the comments section.