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  • 5 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

    5 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

    Last year, I tagged along with my sister and her then-fiancé (now husband) the day they of their pre-wedding photoshoot. Watching the makeup artist work magic on my sister’s face with her Newt Scamander-style box of makeup tools piqued my interest. I had questions I wanted answers to but said nothing out of fear of being laughed at. (My sister is kinda the worst.) So I’m asking those questions here.

    I’m just a curious man looking to learn. I implore thee, drag me not.

    1) How much lipstick do you guys accidentally consume daily?

    Because a girl’s gotta eat at some point during the day, am I right? How do y’all do it? It’s even more terrifying because I once spotted a girl at a restaurant reapplying her lipstick after a meal, implying that most of the previous coat had gone down with whatever she’d eaten. So it’s like, is this a fate y’all have resigned yourselves to? Do you just ingest this stuff? Is it edible?

    Can…can I eat it?

    2) What do you do when it’s really hot and you desperately want to wipe the sweat off your face but can’t for fear of wiping off your foundation in the process?

    Also, does the sweat just start slowly seeping through cracks in the foundation like a leaking dam wall? If you sweat long enough, will it wash everything away? I imagine that it’s a lot like feeling an itch but not being able to scratch it.

    That’s some torture shit right there.

    3) How are you guys not terrified of mistakenly stabbing yourselves in the eye with the mascara and eyeliner applicators?

    Looking at the applicator in the image above reminded of the panic attack I had the day I watched a shit ton of blood flow down my friend’s face because she mistakenly cut herself above the eye while doing her own brows.

    4) Have you no fear of accidentally glueing your eyelids together when fixing fake lashes?

    Because I once had glue come in contact with my eye once and it’s the second most painful/terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. The first most painful thing was when I caught the tip of my erect penis in my zipper.

    That’s a story for another day.

    5) What exactly is the point of blush?

    I truly don’t get it. Why would anybody want their cheeks orange all the time?

    Astor George

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  • All The Things Guys Do When Preparing For Sex

    1. We shower. We shower hard.

    Can’t afford to be smelling when the deed is being done.

    2. We brush. We brush hard.

    Unless you want the girl to turn her head 360 degrees just to avoid kissing you.

    3. We do push ups.

    Last minute attempt to look sexy.

    4. We clean. We clean hard.

    Can’t afford to have your house smelling when you’re getting down.

    5. We drink redbull.

    For energy.

    6. Sometimes mixed with man power.

    For those that need it.

    7. We shave.

    Don’t go and injure someone’s daughter with your pubic hair that feels like hair brush.

    8. We put on our best underwear.

    To look sexy when we eventually disrobe.

    9. We shit.

    Because pausing a sex session halfway through to go and empty your bowels can really kill the mood for both you and the girl.

    10. We practice our sexy voices.

    Basically we try to sound like James Earl Jones. Why? Because nobody’s voice is sexier than the voice of Mufasa.

    11. Finally, we sit in fear for a few minutes and hope the girl doesn’t call to cancel.

    *worry intensifies*

    More Zikoko!

    We Just Remembered Our 5 Favourite Soap Operas From 12 Years Ago And Now We’re Crying

    Astor George

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  • 14 Things Girls Do That Guys Will Never Understand

    14 Things Girls Do That Guys Will Never Understand

    1. When we say we have nothing to wear, it really means we don’t know WHAT to wear.

    It’s really not a lack of choices, just indecision.

    2. When we say no, SOMETIMES we really mean not right now.

    But that’s only sometimes o. Other times, a no will always be a no.

    3. When we don’t tell you what’s wrong, it’s because we’re secretly expecting you to know and to say it before we have to.

    4. That buying underwear thing isn’t about being cheap, we’ve just seen your underwear and we think you need a glow up.

    5. Sexy time noises has nothing to do with your penis. NOTHING.

    And this is because sometimes…

    Sorry, not sorry.

    6. We’re always right. ALWAYS.

    And even if we end up not being right, later on, we will still be. Just watch and see.

    7. We don’t just like missionary because it’s easy, it’s because it keeps the ass within reach.

    8. And when you catch us starting at your back, we’re actually secretly looking at your ass.

    Oh, did you think you guys are the only ones that enjoy looking at ass?

    9. Yes, heels can be painful and uncomfortable, but we love the way we feel when we wear them.

    Wearing heels is not about getting a guy to notice us, it’s about feeling on top of the world.

    10. When we look at you like this…

    …we’re really wondering how to kill you in your sleep.

    11. Sometimes when we’re upset, it’s not about you, we really just want food.

    12. We love big bags because they can carry EVERYTHING we need or think we might need and we like to be prepared.

    13. We’re actually secretly control freaks and that’s why we like to know everything.

    14. This is the real reason girls go to the toilet together:

    Yes, all your suspicions were correct.

    More Zikoko!

    https://zikoko.com/list/14-embarrassing-things-guys-can-never-tell-girls/

    Ronke Otega

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  • 14 Embarrassing Things Guys Do That Girls Will Never Understand

    1. 90% of the time when we walk funny, it’s because we’re trying to adjust our testicles.

    We have no control over how they position themselves. It’s not our fault.

    2. Pretty much every guy has low key wished he can increase the size of his penis.

    Yeah. Basically we’ve considered contacting the people that send those annoying spam emails about penis enlargement.

    3. We’re not as clean as most girls.

    So if you see a guy who’s really clean, compliment him because there is a tiny chance that he’s doing it for you.

    4. We have two voices.

    Our regular speaking voice and our “Girl I like you” voice. It’s default in our factory settings.

    5. We are more sensitive than you think.

    Not every time macho. Sometimes we’re delicate wallflowers.

    6. The sound of metal scraping on a rough surface causes physical pain that we can actually feel in our testicles.

    Scratching the crown cork of a soda bottle on the ground will make any testicles in the vicinity explode.

    7. We have all, at some point, fantasized about getting our nails painted.

    We’ve even thought about Henna. Don’t judge us. These things look like fun.

    8. Some romantic comedies are actually very entertaining but we will NEVER give them the credit they deserve out loud.

    Anything with Kevin Hart gets a pass tho. Kevin Hart is awesome.

    9. We don’t act like it but deep down, we want our weddings to be lit.

    With the lights, cameras, cakes and every thing. Weddings are awesome! Why would we not care about ours??

    10. We sit down in public a lot longer than we have to sometimes because….

    ….getting rid of an impromptu erection takes time.

    11. We love the Snapchat flower crown filter more than we’ll ever admit.

    Who doesn’t like flowers? Lol

    12. We occasionally use selfie sticks.

    For those days you want the perfect selfie.  We will still yab any guy that actually admits to having one sha.

    13. It scares the hell out of us when we want to talk to a girl we like but she’s in the company of other girls.

    Why do girls like to move around in packs sef? Oya, all of you, disperse! I want to set P.

    14. We have all, at least once, sang along to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”.

    C’mon, who wouldn’t want to get down to that sick beat??

    If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the 6 questions guys secretly want to ask girls about makeup.

    6 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

    Astor George

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  • All The Times Nigerian Ladies Were The Absolute Worst At “Shooting Your Shot”

    All The Times Nigerian Ladies Were The Absolute Worst At “Shooting Your Shot”
    We always tell guys to “shoot your shot”. Set that P. Seize that bae. Slide into that DM. History has made men the initiators of love and relationships.

    But that history is changing. Men aren’t the only ones taking a bold move. Women are coming out to stake their claim as well.

    However, according to this guy, it appears we’re doing a shitty job at it.

    If you’re a lady and you’re trying to shoot your shot by liking all of a guy’s pictures and tweeting at him, you’re doing it all wrong.

    He just won’t plain see it.

    If you want to successfully shoot your shot, you’re going to have to be VERY obvious with your signs. Just, maybe not this obvious:

    https://twitter.com/_clvrarose/status/867447272342253569

    If you’re going to try and shoot your shot, maybe don’t start a convo like this:

    https://twitter.com/smish001/status/867425713464500224

    And know that liking his pictures on IG isn’t enough:

    https://twitter.com/Lord_Lightskinn/status/867491312374865920

    You also shouldn’t expect him to get the hint just because you RT or like his tweets.

    https://twitter.com/dephrank/status/867431866219073536

    Generally, just don’t bother trying to drop any hints. Guys don’t see them.

    https://twitter.com/_HeroOfStLouis/status/867496030308376576

    You have to be as clear as day. No dropping small small hints like salt bae.

    Instead, go straight to the point.

    Appaz, “Hey, big head”, is also a good way to go.

    But wouldn’t life be easier if guys could just take a damn hint already!

    Seriously guys, you might want to pay more attention to the people liking your tweets.

    Don’t come and be a slacking pant like this one:

    The truth is, when a girl likes a guy, she just tries to respect herself. Just see:

    https://zikoko.com/list/25-things-happen-like-boy-youre-trying-respect/

    Ronke Otega

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  • These Things Definitely Make Guys The Happiest

    1. When you sleep with rest of mind, knowing you support any team other than Arsenal

    2. When your team goes from a two goal loss to win the aggregate game

    3. When you ask your girl where she wants to eat, and she actually tells you where she wants to go

    4. When you spend a lovely day with the love of your life and you come home to pepper soup prepared by your girlfriend

    5. When you wear this complete outfit, complete with your UK masters degree, gold chain and Oud perfume and you know how many girls you’re going to confuse at the Owambe

    6. When the person you captained on Fantasy Football scores two goals in one game

    Guys definitely love these things!

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • 11 Types Of Guys Every Nigerian Girl Who Uses WhatsApp Is Cursed With

    11 Types Of Guys Every Nigerian Girl Who Uses WhatsApp Is Cursed With

    1. The ones that will just message you from literally nowhere like ‘Hi babe’

    Please, who are you?

    2. The ones that will send you ‘I miss you’, but you only talked to them once

    I miss youtube, though.

    3. The ones that will message you only when you put up a fine display picture

    Association by dp only!

    4. What of the ones that only remember you when you put your hot friend as display picture

    It will now pepper them when you don’t give them her number.

    5. The ones that are just there to monitor your time on WhatsApp

    “You were online at 3 am, but you didn’t reply my message.”

    6. Let’s not forget the ones that only know how to send you broadcast messages

    Na only you waka come?

    7. … and even send you links to job vacancies from 1900

    Are you sick, bro?

    8. Some will even start asking about your views on ‘polygamy’ before you actually meet them

    This one is already planning to make you his second wife.

    9. And most recently, the ones that will say you should come and join MMM

    Come and carry me to join now.

    10. What of the occassional forgotten ex, that slides in with a ‘hey, big head’?

    Oga, if you don’t disappear from this place.

    11. The most annoying ones are the ones that come at you with ‘you’ve forgotten me’ or ‘you never call me’ bants

    But if you call me first you won’t die sha.

    We bet you’ll love guys that send this to your WhatsApp though!

    Shola

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  • 24 Different Types of Nigerian Guys You’ll Come Across

    24 Different Types of Nigerian Guys You’ll Come Across

    PS: If you cannot take a joke, STOP now.

    PPS: Seriously!

    1. The Tosin

    Complete and utter flirt.

    Has more shoes than he needs.

    Dated every girl you know.

    2. The Tolu

    Kind and intelligent.

    Very unlike other Yoruba demons.

    Has a lot of female friends.

    3. The Emeka

    Very hardworking.

    Probably has a wife in the village already.

    Needs his woman to know how to cook.

    4. The Tobi

    Typical Yoruba Demon.

    Draws you in with insightful arguments.

    Never takes long to show true colors.

    5. The Danjuma

    Rich from oil or politics money.

    Has every girl wanting him.

    Always thinks he’s all that.

    6. The Wale

    Genuine nice and humble guy.

    Probably a mama’s boy.

    Has introduced half of Lagos girls to his mom.

    7. The Ikenna

    Buff ladies man.

    Will exploit all your weaknesses.

    Expects you to treat him like royalty.

    8. The Tunji

    Broke.

    Always wants you to hold him down.

    Great hairline though.

    9. The Ibrahim

    Richer than everyone you know.

    Probably sleeping with everyone you know too.

    Prefers hanging out with the guys than with you.

    10. The Ayo

    Beardgang.

    Always wants to meet your friends.

    Can turn anything into a party.

    11. The Ebuka

    Very fine boy.

    Everyone has a crush on him.

    He has a thing for mixed race girls.

    12. The Bankole

    Great sense of humour.

    Prone to sarcastic tendencies.

    Only likes Australian girls.

    13. The Chuka

    Everything is a joke to him.

    Will not be serious till he’s 30.

    Likes your best friend more than you.

    14. The Tunde

    His friends call you “our wife”.

    He’s always cheating.

    Very generous.

    15. The Damini

    Almost always tall.

    Great dancer.

    Can embarrass you in public.

    16. The Timi

    Gym monkey.

    Likes taking pictures of himself.

    There are no pictures of you on his Instagram.

    17. The Obi

    Mr Wandering Eyes.

    He constantly needs your attention.

    He’s a two-woman man.

    18. The Temi

    Usually short.

    Cannot wait to boast about every girl he’s been with.

    Communicates in a ‘creepy caring’ manner.

    19. The Idris

    Very dramatic.

    Determined to be sinless.

    If you’re Muslim, he’s in love.

    20. The Femi

    Geek Tendencies.

    Loves him some big booty.

    Will probably pick TV shows over you.

    21. The Ifeanyi

    Very very vain.

    Lies compulsively.

    Serial cheat.

    22. The Ope

    Very gentle and very sweet.

    Could be broke but has potential.

    Will work very hard.

    23. The Nonso

    Always listens to you.

    Gets dumped a lot.

    Rich AF.

    24. The Dami

    Very blunt.

    Supports feminism, equality etc.

    Cannot keep a secret.

    If your name is not here, tweet it at us @zikokomag and we’ll add it!

    Odunayo

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  • 10 Things Nigerian Girls Like About Guys

    10 Things Nigerian Girls Like About Guys
    Most people say “it’s so hard to understand women”. Truth is we have the cheat codes and will tell you. Ever tried to talk to a Nigerian girl and she’s been turning you down? This list will help you. Disclaimer: This does not relate to ALL Nigerian girls. Read in peace!

    1. Money

    Money makes the world go round and makes everything move. It also makes the hearts of some Nigerian girls flutter and melt. Better still if it is a foreign currency.

    2. Perfume

    This is really a very dope way to impress. You hear it all the time “I love men that smell good”. Go buy that perfume bottle today.

    3. Car keys

    This is a very important key, literally. Just have the car keys, and place them strategically during a conversation and open doors for yourself. Where will you get keys? We don’t know.

    4. Cars

    This is a step up from just having the keys, have the car. Make it a very good one. 2010 models and above. Thank us later.

    5. Culinary skills

    Nigerian girls like or love guys that can cook. Go learn how to cook, post the food photos online and you’ll have your way into their hearts.

    6. Sweet-talking abilities

    Generally, ladies love to be wooed, but Nigerian girls are a special breed. You need to up your toasting game to be able to get any of them.

    7. Oil and Gas job

    Ladies love guys with an ambition or stable job. They don’t like anything still in the ‘pipeline’ or works. Except your job has to do with pipelines then you are winning.

    8. VIP or VVIP

    Tagline: “Do you want to go see a show with me? I have two VIP tickets”. This will work. Just find the money to keep on getting VIP or VVIP tickets. Thank us later.

    9. Wedding rings

    We heard this is one way to some Nigerian girls hearts. Guys look a little attractive with the wedding bands. Or on another note guys in relationships. We think they took #SeizeTheBae too far.

    10. Beards

    Last but not the least. This could easily be the top of this list. Nigerian babes love guys with the full connecting beard. Note full and connecting, please don’t embarrass yourself with the “bear-bear”.

    Tobi Smith

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