group chat | Zikoko!

They’re coming for this babe on Twitter (I’m done calling it X).

One thing about me, I’m a staunch supporter of women’s rights and wrongs.

So I’ve made a list of people that get to catch flights with you. There’s one catch, though: you have to accept it does, in fact, make you a villain.

The planner

Let’s be honest, who likes sitting for hours on end planning places to go and activities to try and people to see?

Introducing the planner.

She’ll plan every second of your vacation, and because she’s so good, she’ll still leave ample room for you to faff around and accept party invites from hot strangers but maybe don’t).

The hot one

Ever heard of pretty privilege? Exactly.

You need someone whose main role is just sitting there, looking hot AF, and getting the group free things.

The one that knows a travel agent

Or someone at immigration. As long as they know someone that knows someone that can make things work in your favour, they’re allowed to come with you. But don’t worry, if you don’t have one, a rich friend is just fine.

The rich one

By all means, try to be a serious adult and plan a budget for your trip. But with the way the exchange rate keeps climbing, you’re definitely going to need a human ATM extremely rich friend good friend that can spend extra cash on you or bail you out when you ultimately run out of money three days into your vacation…

Behold our Valentine Special.
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years.
This is the first episode

The fighter

If, like me, you hate fights and confrontations, then you definitely need to find a friend who’s ever ready to activate her inner Speed Darlington and Portable in the face of fools. They’ll come in handy when you order spaghetti bolognese and they give you spaghetti and stew.

The influencer friend

She might use you right back and have you make a million TikTok videos, but as long as they’re willing to use their expensive AF phones and camera to take insane pictures of you, then you better suck it up and do the “I’m an x, of course I…” challenge.

The stylist

This time, they don’t actually have to be a stylist, they just need to think they are and have a million clothing options for you to choose from.

All of this isn’t really important right now though, what’s most important is finding out if that trip will ever make it out of the group chat.

Chioma Munachi

February 1, 2024

Ships

Friendship, group chat, vacation
If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in a Christian mother’s group chat, look no further. I snooped around my mother’s phone to see what goes down in her Catholic Women’s Organization (CWO) group.

Here are eight things you’ll always see in a typical godly Nigerian mother’s group chat.

So many forwarded messages

The first thing I noticed was so many messages were being forwarded from only God knows where. After every three messages, I’d see some kind of forwarded prayer or announcement.

Endless Prayers

If you have a mother in CWO, no village person can find you. Those women are reciting 50 decades of their rosary and saying at least five prayers daily for their children.

RELATED: How Strong Are Your Village People?

Calling each other “Sister”

The whole chat was giving reverend sister vibes. I can’t even count the number of times I read “Good morning sister” or “Remember today is our thanksgiving day dear sisters.”

RELATED: What She Said: I Have Been a Reverend Sister for 12 Years

Assigning tasks to one another

I saw a roaster for sweeping the church and it was giving strong secondary school labour day vibes. I know it’s for the Lord, but why can’t the same rule apply at home? Would like to see your father on a morning duty roaster.

Baby dedications

Can it really be a Nigerian mothers association without a deluge of prayers for newborns?

Organising four-hour-long meetings

Catholic mums have meetings every first Saturday of the month and a million times every other day. And no, there’s no singing or dancing to Buga there.

Broadcasts warnings on the latest in Nigeria

Among the barrage of forwarded messages, there’s always an update on why everyone should endeavour to keep their children inside the house for one reason or the other. I’m guessing this is where all those long broadcast messages we receive originate from.

Pictures of themselves

Those awkward angles 40+ selfies are scattered all over the group. I can’t bring receipts for this one sha, use your imagination.

RELATED: 9 Things That Can Never Satisfy Nigerian Mothers

Calling out bad behaviour

The passive-aggressive texts were chilling. Happy to know that Nigerian mothers shout at themselves too.

Supporting one another

With everything in between, there’s also a lot of love in the group. Our mothers check in on themselves and show up for one another when they need to. It’s really sweet to see how older women support and connect with themselves.

Now that I’ve brought amebo from my mother’s group chat, share this article with your mum and let us know how it goes.

Also, Never Introduce Your Nigerian Mum to These Six Things

Ortega

July 20, 2022

Her

Friend Groups, group chat, Nigerian Mothers
As a queer person, the best thing that can happen to you is finding a community that cares about you. That’s why when people create those random queer whatsapp group chats, there’s always a rush to join. It’s all fun and games until at least four people annoy everyone and people stop texting.

1. The activist

These people are such a gift. They stay reminding everyone about important queer dates and happenings. They’re always ready to answer questions or ginger people to learn more about queer theory. Grateful for their existence, tbh.

RELATED: 6 Queer Nigerians Give Advice to Newer Queer People

2. The Twitter-famous gay person

Everyone and their mums have a crush on them. As soon as they join the group chat, everyone goes to their Twitter burner accounts to talk about how fate has brought them to their doorstep and how they can’t breathe. Wahala for who no famous.

3. The single person looking to find love

As soon as a new member joins the group chat, you’ll see them flirting almost immediately. The funniest part is that they never actually find love, but it’s interesting to watch them try. Must be nice to be that bold sha.

4. The person who keeps planning hangouts

The only thing they talk about is hanging out 24/7. It’s sweet and all, but “outside” is expensive and exhausting, please, so maybe don’t make people feel bad for saying no. When the hangout happens though, it’s always memorable — the kind that makes you feel good for a long time.

5. The queer person abroad

It can be a little lonely being in a country so far away, where no one understands your struggles as a queer Nigerian, so it makes sense that they’ll join Nigerian queer groups like these. But they don’t know how much hope they give us still living in Nigeria when they send pictures of themself living so loudly queer and free.

RELATED: “Leaving Nigeria Helped Me Accept My Sexuality”-Abroad Life

6. The gossip

Do you have secrets? Good for you, they know it already. They know all the tea and they don’t mind spilling it on a whim. While this makes people cautious about what they say around them. But gossip doesn’t always mean harm.

7. The person who knows everybody

They’re friends with everybody you can think of. If you want to interview someone, just ask them. If you have a crush on someone and you’re too shy to message, ask them for help or an introduction. They’re the solid plug for everything.

8. The pick-me

These ones stress me out. In what sane world would it make sense to understand your oppressor’s point of view? Arguing with them can be so pointless because they’re so set in their ways. I hope they heal sha because wtf!

9. The close friends

These guys were most likely friends before they got into the group or at least Twitter mutuals. They’re the life of the group, bringing up games and fun topics, arguing playfully or insulting each other while everyone is asleep, but they keep the group active and that’s what matters.

ALSO READ: Every Queer Friend Group Has One of These

Malakai Bassey

April 5, 2022

Inside Life

group chat, Inside life, LGBTQ, queer nigerians, relatable
There’s probably nothing worse than accidentally sending porn to your church group chat when you meant to send it to your freaky partner. Lucky for you, it’s not the end of the world. You can still redeem yourself if you act fast. Here are a couple of things you can do to safe face.

1. Quickly send “Come and see what the world is turning to”

Switch it up on them. Make it a moral lesson. They won’t see it coming.

2. Pack your load, move to Cotonou and change your name

Nobody can find you. You can open a small shop and be selling provisions to support your new life.

3. Say you were hacked

These hackers are becoming more advanced by the day. God safe us.

4. Deny it to the death

Deny it, even in the face of the evidence. Even if they print it for you, just keep denying. “Me? Porn? Never.”

5. Immediately begin a sex education class

Make it a teachable moment. Let your pastor learn one or two things.

6. Fake your death

Dead body no dey shame.

7. Own it with your chest

Ansofokwot? Nobody holy pass. Na porn I send, I no kill person.

Do you know what you should read next? This: 5 Occasions When It Feels Like Time Stands Still

Olufemi Fadahunsi

August 14, 2020

Inside Life

group chat, porn, Sex
1. The Comedian

He/She can’t have a serious conversation and is always cracking jokes.
2. The Fighter

They take everything too seriously, always ready to turn the smallest joke into World War 3.
3. The ‘LOOOL’ Person

Never actually contributes anything sensible, just LMAOO’s and LOOOL’s. You’re starting to wonder if they’re alright mentally.
4. The Lover

Always talking about their relationship and how much they love it. Na them love pass.
5. The Gossip Girl

They don’t care that your aunty just died. Gbemi cheating on her husband is more important.
6. The Watcher

Don’t say anything at all. They just read everyone’s gist and keep quiet.
7. The Broadcaster

They don’t care whether the BC makes sense, they just know say that if na BC, dem must share am.
8. The People Stuck In The Past

The person that’s always one day late to the chat and spends the whole time trying to understand what’s going on.
9. The Selfie Person

They don’t care about your life, they just want you to tell them their selfies are gorgeous.

Osaretin Tunde-Oni

October 25, 2016

Oldies

group chat, Nigeria, Talk
1. When you get added to a group chat without warning.

What the hell?
2. When you try to leave a whatsapp group and they add you back like:

Is it by force?
3. You, in your family whatsapp group like:

UGH!!!
4. When the group admin is using everyone to catch trips.

Nigerians can abuse power eh, ordinary whatsapp group admin this one is doing like idiot 😏
— Dapo (@Dapodapper) June 12, 2016

5. When the group members are no longer having it.

It’s only right.
6. You, when your friends start fighting in the group.

Continue, please.
7. This struggle:

The worst.
8. When you open the chat after the gist has already finished.

It can pain.
9. When someone leaves the group and you become the admin.

Time to add ‘Administrative Skills’ to my CV.
10. When you’re ranting in the group and no one is answering you.

See my life.
11. Whenever a group member posts a joke everyone has already seen.

Oga, keep up.
12. When someone gets kicked out with style:

Na wa for you people.
13. When you do your finishing move:

The best.
14. How you feel when you’re finally out of the group.

FREEDOM!!!

Daniel Orubo

June 15, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Family, Friends, group chat, Nigeria, phone, Whatsapp, work