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First of all, it’s hard to surprise a Nigerian woman because we know everything. But if you really want to plan something your Nigerian girlfriend would love and might actually catch her unaware, these tips will help.
Tell her you’re planning a surprise for someone else
Remember what I said about women knowing everything? She’ll definitely know something is up when you start making quiet phone calls and guarding your phone. You don’t want to wake the investigative journalist in her, so just tell her without telling her.
Avoid her
Of course, now, she might want all the details of the surprise you’re planning for someone else. You can’t keep that up, so the best bet is to avoid her. Just don’t do it for too long, or she might enter another relationship before you pull off the surprise.
Tell her friends at least a week before the party
Don’t worry, they won’t ruin the surprise. You need them to make sure she’s all dressed up and baddie-fied for the event. Trust me, no one wants to walk into a surprise with six-week-old braids.
Make sure she doesn’t eat that day
That’s where her friends come in. You want her to have space for all the food at the party. This one should be easy because many Nigerian women have a problem deciding what to eat anyway.
Say your ex will be present at the party
Just tell her your ex will be present at this random party, and watch your babe literally dress to kill. Or fight you and dump your ass. What’s life without a little risk?
Go all out on the decor
Because she’ll need to take pictures for the gram. I know they say it’s the little things that count, but this one doesn’t fall under the little things. The venue has to be lit.
Invite all her frienemies… then spray her money
You know what’s better than sending your Nigerian girlfriend money? It’s giving her money in the presence of all her enemies. They need to know her man is an odogwu. If this is the only thing you get right with the surprise, you’ve done more than enough.
Or propose
Only do this in front of a big-ass crowd when you’re sure she wants to marry you sha. Because why choose to embarrass her like that in front of everyone?
You know your babe has been making arrangements to go to her village for the festive season, but here are some signs to know that she’ll be coming back with a husband.
She’s Igbo
We’re sorry to break it to you, but your Igbo girlfriend telling you she’s going “home” for Christmas might as well be your invitation to her wedding.
She’s engaging more with wedding content online
You’ve noticed that she’s liking and retweeting more threads about marriage on Twitter, she can’t go a day without reposting cute wedding videos on her IG and WhatsApp, and you still haven’t figured it out? She’s obviously jotting down taking tips for when she’s ready, which is going to be two months from now.
She’s spending more time with you
With all the traffic and stress in Nigeria, she insists on spending most of her time with you. Ah! My brother, she’s trying to get the most of the little time you have left before she weds her real husband-to-be.
She’s not spending time with you
Whenever you suggest you spend a weekend together now, she always says she’s busy. Yes, she’s definitely busy trying to forget you and move on with her life.
She doesn’t get upset easily
Nigerian women don’t like peace. So when you start going two days without any fight, there’s something wrong. Our advice? Start mentally moving on because your relationship is nearing its end.
She gets upset easily
Any small thing you do, she picks offence. You’re now having a minimum of at least three fights a day? Can’t you see that she’s fed up with all your shit and already has plans to marry someone else?
You’ve been dating for more than two years
Two years is enough time to know if you will spend the rest of your life with a Nigerian woman. And if you’ve not started planning to see her people, what’s the point? She’s made up her mind to find someone that’s serious.
All her close friends are married
She’s getting invites to weddings every other week, and you haven’t thought to ask her how she feels about getting married? Your breakfast is going to be served buffet-style.
2021 is the year of seizing the bae. Therefore we’ve compiled a list of lines to comment with anytime your crush posts on social media. These lines are hundred percent guaranteed to make any Nigerian woman fall in love with you.
1) “We bless God for God”
This line works like magic because it shows that you not only appreciate beauty but you’re also God-fearing.
2) “One time three gbosa for the two people wey born you”
This line hits harder if you follow it with credit alert. Transaction description should be “Big fan of your mum and dad.”
3) “TW: Beauty.”
You have to warn people that something great is happening in front.
4) “Ban us we’re your Trump”
This line shows that you mean business and you’re a no nonsense toaster.
5) “Inflate us we’re your Bitcoin”
This line works like magic because it shows that you not only appreciate beauty but you’re also aware of current trends. Renaissance man lomo.
6) “Your beauty is a manifestation of God’s ability to show off”
You’ll follow this one by shedding a tear or two punctuated by intervals of silence that shows you’re taking in the beauty.
7) “You’re fine like two people”
After commenting, repeat this mantra in person up to five times so she knows you mean business. At random intervals just be shouting “see beauty.”
8) “Bonjour Le Masi”
Followed by “your beauty got me speaking a foreign language.”
9) “My heart is the temple of unbelievers and you’re a prophet sent to scatter it”
After using this line you can then use additional lines like “KPK” “OPP” to seal the deal.
10) “Alexa, play Speechless by Michael Jackson”
Because who else better to convey how the beauty makes you feel than MJ?
If for any reason whatsoever, you need to end things with your Nigerian girlfriend (and I’m sure there are plenty of reasons. Nigerian women: I fear who no fear dem), I’ve compiled a list of handy excuses you can use to terminate your love affair with a Nigerian woman.
If she touches your bald head
This is clearly a sign that she does not respect you. Is she your mate? Break up with her.
If she fries 4 eggs at a time
This is a sign that she does not know how to manage resources. Break up with her.
Your pastor said you should break up with her
Who are you to go against the word of God? You can even use the following lines to make the process easier: “I love you but God loves me most” “It’s not you, it’s God.”
couple arguing
If they only give you one meat.
This is another sign of disrespect. Does she not know that you’re a red cap chief?
If they eat out of your plate
Personally, this is my favourite one because every single one of them are guilty of this. Break up with all of them.
Your sugar mummy doesn’t like her
You’re a benefit boy and you don’t want the benefits to stop, so you have to agree. Sorry to her.
If she farts
It smells like acid. Is she trying to kill you? Break up with her.
If you date Nigerian women, you know that one way they show their love and appreciation for you is by giving you singlet and boxers for your birthday. What a thoughtful gift, isn’t it?
It is your turn to return the favour and show how much you love and appreciate your Nigerian woman. We compiled a list of things women absolutely want to be bought. (Source: Bureau of Imaginary Statistics)
1. Jar with 365 reasons why you love her.
Women don’t really want much. They just want to hear how much you love them. Why not write 365 reasons why you love her and put it in a jar. If you’re feeling nice, you can write it on coloured paper.
2. Flowers
Nigerian women love flowers. Just get her a bunch of flowers. No need to buy anything else.
3. Lipgloss
I can assure you she doesn’t want too much. Just a lip gloss would do. If you’re feeling nice, make it two to show her how much you love her.
4. Three months supply of sanitary pad
We all know how tough periods can be. Why not eliminate some of her worries by buying her sanitary towels for her birthday? Best. Partner. Ever.
5. Body Fantasies
This is for when you’re feeling ultra generous and you want to spoil her. She’s been a great girlfriend all year; it is time to reward her with this.
6. Peace of mind
Women love how to brag about how they don’t need to give their men anything because they give him peace of mind. How about you give them a taste? Gift them this peace of mind and call it a day. Till next year.
One minute you are a baby girl living your life, the next minute everyone is asking you ‘when will you marry?’
When did this happen?
In fact once you hit a certain age everyone from your gateman to your boss at work is advising you to go to Shiloh
But what is your business?
It doesn’t matter who you are and what you’ve achieved. The only important question is ‘why are you single?’
“Oh you just won a Nobel Prize? Husband nko?”
Before you know it all of your friends start to get married even the ones you thought were single pringles like you
What a betrayed
It doesn’t help that their married status seems to come with infinite wisdom and they take it upon themselves to cure the disease that is your singleness.
You better face your marriage
Nowhere is safe. You go to church to worship your Lord God and Saviour, and some church aunty will ambush you about attending singles fellowship
Did I say I was single and searching?
When you even try to date the men act like they are doing you a favour. “You don’t know you are old abi, I’m just trying to epp your life”
You are 40 and living with your parents epp your own life first.
What of living alone as a single woman?
You are living alone? And you are single? You must be an asewo
Before you know it everyone is trying to hook you up, including your Aunty Yejide who has had 7 husbands
Please don’t disturb me
You’ve not even found bae but everyone keeps asking you “children nko”?
Will they fall from heaven?
And it’s not even like you had a problem being single you were perfectly fine but now you can help but wonder…
Maybe I should go to the Shiloh
At the end of the day it’s your life don’t let anyone disturb your peace of mind
Enjoy your life
So the next time someone should ask you when are you getting into a relationship, tell them…
And even if their significant other gives them the world, they’ll still chook their wandering eyes outside to cheat.
Then they’ll come back to tell you, “It’s in my DNA, I can’t help it”.
Even if you catch them in the act, they’ll be like, “Baby, she’s my cousin’s nephew’s relation and we’re practicing acrobatic yoga”.
This African American chic, Kourtney confronted her cheating ex, Leonard- who is basically the biggest demon we’ve ever seen- to ask why he cheated on her.
And he kuku didn’t give any solid reason- just every unfaithful person.
Kourtney, when Leonard said he cheated uncountable times.
This was his face, all through the time she shed so much tears.
Just watch the video and catch the full amebo abeg.
Meanwhile, some chief officers of ‘Men are scum’ Twitter are already protesting this injustice.
Look at how he tried to flip it on her. The maddest thing is you can see it in his eyes he's not sorry https://t.co/R8ZUaZfgII
The Vice-President of the movement believes men can’t make heaven.
Men really think they can keep doing this to women and continue getting away with it. There will be no men in Heaven. Mark my words. https://t.co/I90BLtDAaC
As always, we are committed to your laughter and well being; so here to save you from a ravaged relationship and social suicide are 21 questions you should NEVER, never ever ask your/a Nigerian girl.
Some of these questions may not seem like a big deal right now, but trust us; you’ll thank us for this later:
1. What’s Your Body Count?
2. Do you have any siblings, like a younger sister, maybe?
3. When last did you change this profile picture?
4. How did you screw-up your last relationship?
5. How long does it take to put on all that make-up?
6. Did you know my aunt has that same kind of hairstyle?
7. Is it that time of the month?
8. Have you gained weight?
9. Is that what you’re going to wear?
10. Don’t you know how to cook?
11. Are you a virgin?
12. My ex-girlfriend used to do this. Can you do this too?
13. Are You Really Going To Eat All That?
14. Can We Have A Threesome?
15. Why are you single?
16. Are you bleaching?
17. What weave is that?
18. Why do you like wearing that gown?
19. Are you wearing a butt pad or is that your real ass?
20. Is this how you’ll behave in your husband’s house?
