generator | Zikoko!

Nothing reminds you that you live in a third-world country quite like how frequently the national grid collapses. Nigeria’s electricity grid failed for the second time this year on March 14, 2022. And that’s already half of the four times it collapsed in 2021.

There are many reasons why the national grid collapses, including natural causes like the weather and man-made issues like Nigeria’s village people blowing too much air into the voodoo doll. The only people smiling to the bank during national grid blackouts of this nature are phone charging centres and filling station owners.

For the rest of us enduring another collapse of the national grid, these are the greatest annoyances:

Generator concerts

Generators have Grammy-winning performances during this period

Since generators have become a national symbol in Nigeria, someone should put them on the coat of arms. Nigeria has an estimated 22 million gasoline generators scattered around the country. The collapse of the national grid means more generators are working around your neighbourhood, putting in more daily hours than Buhari does at the Presidential Villa.

Generators are lifesavers, unlike Buhari, but they are way too loud and bad for your personal health and the environment — just like Buhari. This means any time the national grid collapses is not the best time to be a Nigerian.

Fuel queues get longer

The latest collapse of the national grid has the worst timing. It’s happened right in the middle of a nationwide fuel scarcity that’s lasted over one month since someone slept on their job and allowed bad fuel into the country. To power your generator, you need fuel. This means more people are turning up at filling stations and the queues are getting longer.

ALSO READ: Fuel Scarcity Again? Here’s the Full NNPC Gist

Cost of doing business rises

Generators, fuel queues and all attendant issues that come with blackouts will stress your business and your life. If you run a small business in Nigeria, your profits just got smaller. No dorime for you this weekend.

ALSO READ: Why Nigeria (Probably) Needs a 102-Year-Old President

Productivity inside the mud

It’s not that you don’t want to be productive o, but how can you function properly when you have to worry about how to get through all the special issues an electricity blackout creates?

There’s still that heat issue

Yet another reason why the latest national grid collapse is mistimed is that it’s happening when it already feels like someone forgot Nigeria on a gas cooker. Dealing with heat is harder when there’s no electricity to power your cooling devices. Watch out for that heat rash.

It never ends

The most important lesson to learn from Nigerian history is it’ll always repeat itself. The national grid has collapsed more than 130 times in the past eight years. While in the middle of one, you’re already expecting the next. It’s not healthy for anyone, but that’s the price to pay for living in a third-world country where problems are recycled.

The good news is a bill was passed by the National Assembly on March 1st, 2022 proposing to decentralise power generation, transmission and distribution and make them the responsibility of state governments. If the bill becomes law, it could mean the end of national grid failure. Until that happens, strap in for your quarterly national grid disaster.

ALSO READ: Zikoko’s Responsible Voter Starter Kit for 2023 Elections

Samson Toromade

March 15, 2022

Citizen

Blackout, generator, National Grid, Nigeria
Nigeria is the homeland of generators. The result? Noise pollution that hinders people from being productive when they work in the midnight or want to get some sleep.

Imagine trying to rest your head and your neighbour’s Tiger generator is serving vocals in your compound. Hmm.

Anyway, here’s how to casually make the generator stop working. End it before it ends you.

1. Open the fuel tank and bless it with anointing oil.

One bottle of Goya olive oil will do. Or maybe two, so you can help it rest in peace forever.

2. Or perhaps choke it with sand.

It’s been drinking petrol since. Change the diet small so it can stop making noise.

3. Maybe give it some water to drink?

One bucket will be enough to quench its thirst. Just do it quickly before your neighbours come outside.

4. Or run a hot bath for it.

Just douse it in petrol and strike a match. That Generator loves pain. Give it what it wants and watch it quieten down.

5. Take it on an excursion to the spare parts shop.

They will even give you money. Enjoyment + end of noise = bliss.

6. You can even ‘pieces’ it for Condemn-Condemn buyers to purchase.

N500 for tank, N20 for spark plug. When you calculate everything it will add up decently.

7. Or maybe just switch it off and wait for your neighbours to come out so you can deck them.

They need to know that they are not the only one with a generator. They should allow you sleep or work in peace, abeg.

QUIZ: How Secretly Evil Are You?

Kunle Ologunro

March 25, 2021

Inside Life

generator, Humour, noise pollution, tiger generator
1. Being born into the PHCN struggle:

God, why not the abroad na?

2. Your generator’s best friend:

Except when there is fuel scarcity sha.

3. When you are about to put on your gen for the night and they bring light.

See what God can do.

4. You, checking that house everyone uses to know if they have brought light.

Their own gen is never on.

5. When they bring light and none of your neighbours come to tell you.

Is it like that you used to do?

6. When NEPA shows its true colours.

I knew it was too good to be true

7. You, sitting in the dark and waiting for them to bring the light back:

I’m sha not risking it again.

8. When they bring light and nobody in your house wants to go and change over.

It’s not me sha

9. You, when your generator dies in the middle of the night.

Who is doing me from the village?

10. When your generator dies but your neighbour’s own is still on.

It will now be sounding louder than normal.

11. When you put on the small gen but you forgot to turn off the AC.

The struggle.

12. How you look at your generator when the rope cuts:

Hay God!

13. When you realize your phone wasn’t charging and it’s time to put off the gen.

Kuku kill me.

Daniel Orubo

June 6, 2020

Inside Life

gen, generator, Light, NEPA, Nigeria, phcn
Every Nigerian has a memory of their generator rope cutting at night. Either before a hot session of ashukulekeshowmeyourbackside, or just before it’s time to watch Mehek or King of hearts. Or, even just before a disappointing performance by your football club.

Many Nigerians have noticed that their generator rope only cuts at night. So, the Zikoko team decided to get to the bottom of the matter. To understand why this incident occurs only at a specific time of the day.

Zikoko: Well, hello there. Glad to have you.

I beta pass my neighbour: I am happy to be here. I usually don’t do this because mornings are not my most productive. I function better at night. If I stress myself in the morning, I have to take a break at night.

Really? I didn’t know that.

You see! People are multifaceted. I am Tiger in the sheets and “I beta pass my neighbour” on the streets. I also have feelings you know, and I am a different person depending on the situation.

Noted. What would you say are some of your biggest challenges?

Glad you asked that. It’s the disrespect. The utter lack of consideration of how I feel by people. Imagine someone turning me on from morning till night. Am I not someone’s child?

You know what?

That’s why I cut my rope at night. It’s my way of taking back power from them. When they think they have joy, I turn it to ashes in their mouth.

I did not kill mummy diesel gen, so, why are they trying to kill me?

Damn. I am so sorry. Do you sometimes regret it though?

Yes. I have regrets. But not for rope cutting. I don’t regret cutting my rope for people who had plans to fornicate overnight. I am only helping them prepare for the hot place they are going. Neither do I regret disappointing people that want to watch football. It’s not like their team is good anyway.

The only regret I have is that I initially came to this country to be of help. However, it seems I have given these people a reason not to hold their elected leaders accountable for power supply. Can you imagine?

My current owner turns me on for 16 hours non stop. Think of the trees man. Climate change is real. Greta Thunberg didn’t drop out of primary school for this shit.

That’s heavy. So, if you were President for one day, how would you solve this problem?

The problem has one solution – I will jaapa to Canada.

Wow. Any advice for Nigerians before you go?

Buy inverter. Free me.

You should read this next: Interview With Cooking Gas: “Why I Choose To Finish On Sundays”

Hassan Yahaya

May 29, 2020

Inside Life

generator, Neighbour, Nigeria
Whether you’ve just moved into a new place or you’ve lived in your house for decades; we can guarantee that you’ve come across these typical Nigerian neighbours.
The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

Even if there’s light they won’t put it off because ‘NEPA will soon take the light’.
The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.

Abeg sister that man that came to visit you last night, is that your brother?
The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.

If not for them you’ll just be wasting petrol.
The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.

Oga you too on your gen now.
The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.

Last week it was somebody’s naming ceremony. The week before that was birthday. This week it’s burial. And it’s not like they’ll even invite you for the party.
The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.

If it’s not salt it’s broom. And before they return it, wahala.
The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.
Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.

“Did you know that Mummy Jamiu’s son impregnated someone? “
The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.

Because if their neighbours can’t hear them praying, God won’t answer their prayers.
As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.

Sometimes even two or three. As one id finishing their service, the other one is starting.
The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.

They’ll also take it upon themselves to start collecting monthly dues.
The one you’ve never seen in your life.

You can be living there for ten years and never meet them. You’ll only be seeing the light in their house going on and off.
The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.

Every day you will see a new face coming out of the house.
The resident baby boy or baby girl.

They don’t have any stress at all.
So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

October 16, 2018

Oldies

generator, Lagos, Lagos living, Living in Nigeria, Neighbours, Nigeria, Nigerians

Generator concerts

Fuel queues get longer

Cost of doing business rises

Productivity inside the mud

There’s still that heat issue

It never ends

1. Open the fuel tank and bless it with anointing oil.

2. Or perhaps choke it with sand.

3. Maybe give it some water to drink?

4. Or run a hot bath for it.

5. Take it on an excursion to the spare parts shop.

6. You can even ‘pieces’ it for Condemn-Condemn buyers to purchase.

7. Or maybe just switch it off and wait for your neighbours to come out so you can deck them.

QUIZ: How Secretly Evil Are You?

1. Being born into the PHCN struggle:

2. Your generator’s best friend:

3. When you are about to put on your gen for the night and they bring light.

4. You, checking that house everyone uses to know if they have brought light.

5. When they bring light and none of your neighbours come to tell you.

6. When NEPA shows its true colours.

7. You, sitting in the dark and waiting for them to bring the light back:

8. When they bring light and nobody in your house wants to go and change over.

9. You, when your generator dies in the middle of the night.

10. When your generator dies but your neighbour’s own is still on.

11. When you put on the small gen but you forgot to turn off the AC.

12. How you look at your generator when the rope cuts:

13. When you realize your phone wasn’t charging and it’s time to put off the gen.

Zikoko: Well, hello there. Glad to have you.

Really? I didn’t know that.

Noted. What would you say are some of your biggest challenges?

Damn. I am so sorry. Do you sometimes regret it though?

That’s heavy. So, if you were President for one day, how would you solve this problem?

Wow. Any advice for Nigerians before you go?

The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.

The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.

The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.

The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.

The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.

The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.

The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.

The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.

As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.

The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.

The one you’ve never seen in your life.

The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.

The resident baby boy or baby girl.

So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?