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Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
*Disclaimer: Alex* is gender nonbinary and uses they/he pronouns. Thank you*
Alex* had bumped into Femi* at every summer lesson they attended. So, it was natural they became friends. From friends, they started dating. Now, they haven’t spoken in years. Here’s Alex’s story:
How did you meet him?
Alex: I don’t remember the exact way we met, but I do remember we kept meeting at various summer lessons when we were in primary and junior secondary school. When I got to SS1 in 2012, I stopped attending them. So that put a halt to our conversations.
Then, I graduated and didn’t get into uni immediately, so it was back to summer classes by 2015. Guess who was right there? If you meet someone that many times, you’re bound to be friends or at least talk to them. So, we became friends.
What was the friendship like?
Alex: Being friends with him was pretty easy. We could talk about anything from our parents to depression and even our crushes. It helped that he liked the kind of things I did. We liked the same music and books, things people constantly thought I was weird for enjoying.
He was also extremely protective of me. Yeah, he spent a lot of time trying to scare me by convincing me to watch horror movies, but no other person was allowed to. He teased me in a way similar to how you acted with a younger sibling, and I found it funny because I was a year older than him.
How did the dynamic change?
Alex: He was a great friend, and I didn’t want to ruin it. That’s why I didn’t tell him about my crush on him. I listened to him talk about the people he liked and the ones who liked him while seething with jealousy.
In 2016, we both entered uni, and I got into a relationship with another guy who broke up with me a day before Christmas. I don’t know if that’s what made him confess he’d always liked me, but he did. He even made me a playlist, which is how I started making playlists for people.
Any reservations?
Alex: Yeah, but I thought it’d be messy. I thought dating would suck, and if we broke up, I’d lose my friend. I agreed anyway because I liked him. We started dating properly in the new year.
What was dating him like?
Alex: Soft. He always wanted to make me happy. We would always go on dates even though we were broke 100-level students.
He was very intentional about showing up for me. His school was far from mine, but he still came to see me every weekend. He thought I was brilliant, and everything I said was genius. I almost believed him.
Sounds amazing so far
It’s just he was a very sad boy. Sometimes, he’d just close up without telling me what was wrong. And whenever he went silent like that, I knew something bad had happened. But all I could do was worry and expect the worst.
He was passively suicidal, so his silence could’ve meant death. But we’d never gone off for longer than a week before.
Alex: Three months into our relationship, he did the disappearing thing again. A couple of days passed, then a week, and suddenly it’d been three weeks, and I hadn’t heard from him.
He didn’t use social media, and he had only one friend. Whenever I called the friend, he’d refuse to tell me what was happening. I couldn’t even leave my house because my parents wouldn’t let me leave the house.
While worrying about Femi and trying to understand why he’d disappeared for so long, I met this guy who told me everything I wanted to hear: how I deserve someone who won’t treat me that way. He was writing me poetry and all that. So one day, I kissed him.
When Femi eventually reached out to me, I told him I kissed someone else. I broke up with him. It felt too much like cheating.
How did you feel after the breakup?
Alex: I don’t know. I didn’t feel as different as I thought I’d feel. While talking to this new guy, I was already subconsciously letting go of the relationship with Femi. It wasn’t until the relationship with the other guy scattered that it hit. It became two in one. I thought I was going to die.
Did you ever reach out to Femi again?
Alex: No. I couldn’t. We haven’t spoken in years now, but I don’t think I want any form of romantic relationship with him still. I’ve currently changed as a person, and I don’t want to be hate crimed by someone I used to love. I want the memories I have of him to remain good forever.
Alex: I regret losing my friend. I wish I could still talk to him about certain shows because we have history, and he’d understand why things make me feel the way they do. I wish I could tell him I watch horror movies now and send him some theories about my favourite musicians, but I can’t. I don’t miss our romantic relationship; I just missed our friendship.
I genuinely wish I never crossed the line from friend to lover with him. He truly was one of the best people I had in my life. He made it easy for me to live every day. I really regret losing my friend.
We all feel ugly sometimes, but what is it like being or feeling like the ugly friend? In this article, nine Nigerians tell us what it’s like.
A, 23
I know I have friends that are much more beautiful than I am.
People don’t make jokes about it, but they suggest things to make my face better and more appealing – I have dark circles and large pores.
My friend always assures me that I’m beautiful just the way I am. She also gives me tips on how to make myself better, but there are some days I feel down thinking about how I’ve let my face become this bad.
Ola, 26
My friends used to call me “monkey” as a joke, but that was a while ago. Sometimes, they would all hang out without telling me.
I have only a few pictures with them because they almost always ask me to take pictures. I used to agree, but not anymore. I feel like I’m close to them, but they’re not really my friends.
There was a time people would compare me to them and it bugged me. I may not meet up with the beauty standards of society, but I swear I’m not ugly.
Ibukun, 25
When I was in university, I had this beautiful friend and people would always wonder why we were friends. They always looked confused when they saw us together.
The DUFFmovie came out around that time, and I was her DUFF. People would come and talk to me and act like they wanted to be friends just to get close to her. The funny thing is that it was girls that did this. I don’t think I’m ugly, so it didn’t affect my confidence, but it was very irritating.
Zeek, 22
I have always felt out of place because I’m the “ugly” friend. To make matters worse, my friends are entertainers, dancers, singers and performers, and I’m the plain ugly one.
I get compared to my attractive friends, mostly indirectly or as a joke, but they aren’t the ones doing it. They keep screaming in my ears to stop saying I’m the ugly friend.
Sometimes I distance myself from them, and I feel lonely even when I’m around them.
Whenever I take pictures with my friends, I feel like I’m not attractive enough to be their friend. I’m always the odd one out. I’m the one with bad hair or awkward facial expressions and bad posture.
They all have phones with good cameras so they can take good pictures of themselves. I have to rely on Snapchat and photo editing apps to boost my confidence.
My friend once asked for pictures of me to post on his status, but he didn’t post them. I asked him why and he said the pictures weren’t nice. I felt he meant that I wasn’t good-looking.
Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with them when I’m not that comfortable with them. I feel like they’re fine and rich, and I’m not.
Rachel, 20
I have always been the fat and less attractive friend, and it sucks. My friends deny this, but it’s very obvious when we go out. Boys flock to them all the time and I’m usually left to myself.
The last time we went clubbing, different people asked to dance with them. Not a single person came up to me. I hardly ever agree to go out with them because I know I’d most likely be ignored when we run into other people.
I hardly ever take pictures with them. When I do, I never post them. I feel invisible and small whenever I’m out with my prettier friends. I always feel like people are comparing us even if they don’t say anything.
Ife, 24
I’m pretty sure I’m “the ugly friend”. None of my friends would agree that I am, but I’m fat, dark-skinned, and have a lot of skin issues.
They try to make sure I go out with them but seeing them get lots of attention while I fade into the background sucks. I’m not mad at it because they deserve it, being bad bitches and all, but being the odd one in the group gets tiring.
I usually end up as the undesignated mom friend anyway. I’m the one who stops guys from being creepy with them, and of course, men are weird about that. It doesn’t bother me, as long as my girls are good, but it’s not fun.
I try to make up for it with personality and sometimes feigned confidence. People comment on my looks, but I don’t let them see it get to me. If I say something, they’ll say it was a joke and that I take things too personally. I can do all my self-pitying in the comfort of my room.
My family and friends are big on positive reinforcement, so they never let me forget how loved I am and how much they like me as I am, so that keeps me going.
I think the feeling that I am the ugly friend started in JSS2. One day, people were discussing who the prettiest in our set was. Someone mentioned my name, and the whole class burst into laughter. It hurt because I had never seen myself as ugly, but my eyes opened that day.
I am very dark-skinned, what Nigerians would call “black”, so I got called ugly throughout my teenage years. In SS1, my agric teacher said I looked like an ugly old grandma. I had classmates who didn’t want to talk to me because they thought I was ugly.
Sometimes when I hang out with friends and they get all the attention, I think “oh well, I no kuku fine before”. I have learnt to not expect male attention when out in public. When it comes, it’s very shocking.
I was the ugly friend in secondary school. Now, I think I am just the bland friend. I hardly use makeup or anything to accentuate my features because I want anyone who likes me to see my real face and like me like that, not that I will use makeup, and the guy will feel like it’s not what he ordered that he got.
It messed with my self-esteem a bit, but I think I am great now. I may not be the classic beauty to others, but I find myself very beautiful.
Itohan, 20
I’ve always been friends with stunning people. You know, the popular ones with thousands of followers on Instagram. They had a look I couldn’t quite achieve. I didn’t wear makeup like they did or even make an effort with my appearance, so that made me even worse in comparison.
I was also younger, so while a lot of them had grown up faces that matched their lovely bodies, I had the face of a 12-year-old. I was considered cute, but in comparison with my friends, I was the ugly duckling. They were so gorgeous that photographers and modelling agencies would approach them when we go out and ask/beg them to model. They always laughed and turned it down.
I guess in a way I resented my friends. People always described me as dependable and kind. Like yeah, but I wanted to be hot too. It messed with my self-esteem a lot. It made me feel like a side character and they were the main characters. You know those movies about the best friend of the main character whose life revolved around the main character? That was me.
I was always on call because I thought I couldn’t be hot. Just kind and dependable. Now, I multitask. I know I’m not the prettiest flower in the garden, but I hold my own. I’m kind, funny, dependable, and hot as fuck.
I still view myself as the ugly friend, but I think I’ve decided it’s not a bad thing. I’m learning to live with the fact that my friends will always be more beautiful than me, and that’s okay. On some days, I cry about it, but other days I feel okay.
There are friends you’ve had for years and those you have had for a short while, but how old is your longest friendship?
Let’s find out:
Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice.
Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice.
The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones.
If you’d like to send in your questions, click here
When your friend is dating someone you don’t like, here are six things that you should definitely do.
1) Keep your mouth shut
They will never listen to anything you have to say. People in love usually are unable to process information concerning their relationship because they have lost all their five senses. If you keep talking, you will land yourself in trouble.
2) Prepare to be an enemy of progress
Immediately you declare your dislike for their partner, you have become enemy number one. They will definitely bad-mouth you to their other friends and well-wishers, so prepare to be called a lot of bad names to your front, and behind your back.
Deep down, your friend knows there is a reason you do not like this person. So, they keep coming to you with all the negative things their partner does, because they know you will be honest about the situation. With access to all this first hand information others do not have, murder might cross your mind a few times. That’s why you need to be prepared. Incase you give into your desires and kill someone.
4) Social distance
Your friend might want to constantly find reasons for you and their partner to spend time together, but you need to social distance, They are doing this because they think once you and their partner spend time together, both of you would bond. Don’t give into it. Stay away.
5) Be there for them
They will complain over and over again, but you love them more than you hate their partner, so you just have to be a shoulder for them to cry on.
Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are.
One of the best and worst parts of social media is how it has changed relationships!
One moment you’re laughing at a similar joke, the next thing dm, the next thing love is in the air!
But because human beings are professionals at behaving somehow, the love can sometimes miss road.
And you wonder how you got yourself into this nonsense situation!
Because we love you, Zikoko made a video where people spoke about the ups and downs of finding love on social media.
If you can relate (which we are sure many of you can), tell us about your experiences in the comments section.
If you really enjoyed this and would like to share your thoughts and ideas in one of our videos, sign up here!
