Fried Rice | Zikoko!

Whatever you do as a cook (be it professional or you cook for your own enjoyment), here are foods you shouldn’t put tomatoes in.

1. Beans.

Tomato has no business being in beans. Not now, not ever. Unless you’re making a separate stew for the beans, then that is a different case. I have heard people trying to make a case for tomatoes to be put in beans and I am going to try it first. Until then, no beans in tomatoes.

Elite cooking please!
Beans without tomatoes is just basic tbh.
But add tomatoes (tinned or fruit) and you’ll create beauty. https://t.co/N9RJWenk99
— Sharon (@SharonTWhyte) September 17, 2020

2. Egusi soup.

Tomatoes have no business in egusi soup. Really. Unless you are cooking the egusi like stew. Even then, e get as e be. Some tribes in Nigeria add it though. Something about preference.

3. Okro (Ila alasepo)

Photo: Sisi Jemimah

I admit I may have been tempted to add tomatoes to okro cooked with pepper. It didn’t bode well, and now I understand why the ancestors forbid such a union.

4. Efo riro.

Photo: My Diaspora Kitchen

This one does not need repetition. They don’t match. But at the end of the day, do what you want, because I have added tomatoes once or twice to my efo riro too. So I don’t have the right to judge you.

5. Fried rice and coconut rice.

Photo: Nigerian Lazy Chef

No, please. The answer is no. Remove tomatoes from these things. Remove them completely.

Here’s something you need to see: 8 Unbelievable Things Nigerians Actually Eat

Kunle Ologunro

September 18, 2020

Chopist

beans, coconut rice, efo riro, Egusi soup, Fried Rice, ila alasepo, okro soup
In order for you to know whether or not the food in a particular buka is going to be good, certain things must be present. If you walk into any buka and these elements are missing, we have to tell you that the food won’t be sweet.
They must have very cheap and mismatched plates.

If all their plates match then their stew won’t be sweet. Pure facts. They must also have this one nation plate.
Either the owner or at least one of the servers has to be a rude and overweight woman with flabby arms.

When the owner is rude you just know the food is going to be good. You think they are there to serve you? They are only doing you a favour.
If you don’t see the woman serving flick sweat into the stew at least once then that stew can’t be sweet.

That’s the last and final ingredient that makes buka stew taste the way it does. Ingredient X.
As you step into the buka some kind of unbearable heat must overcome you.

Any buka that has an A/C is not ready for life, sweat has to be pouring out of your body as you are eating.
The food is served straight from the pot they cooked it in or old coolers that have seen life.

From the pot straight to your plate, no time to waste.
If the prefix of the buka’s name doesn’t have ‘Iya’ or ‘Mama’ or the suffix doesn’t have ‘Buka’ in it then it’s probably not even a buka at all.

That one is a restaurant or fast food.
A good buka doesn’t have an opening or closing time.

They open when the food is ready and close when food has finished.
If there isn’t a crowd waiting to buy the food just know it’s not sweet.

Any buka you enter that is empty has nothing good to offer you.
Because nobody has time for decor, you’ll find plastic chairs and tables that look like this.

Anything fancier than this qualifies as a restaurant.
The menu is never extensive because nobody has time for stress.

There is rice, dodo, swallow, and beans. Dazzal.
Do you have any other good buka-finding tips for us?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 27, 2018

General

amala, Buka, Food, Food in Nigeria, Fried Rice, jollof, Local food, Pounded Yam, Rice
1. This one that is already complete on it’s own.

2. This strong independent rice that doesn’t need meat to survive.

3. This one that obviously has more international exposure than you.

4. This one that got married to dodo and is now living happily ever after.

5. This one that is having the best cuddle session with chicken.

6. This beautiful plate that can’t even shout.

7. This rice that is well protected by grilled meat.

8. This fried rice that looks more supportive than any bae will be.

9. This fried rice that is ready to be there for you after a breakup.

Shola

September 18, 2016

Oldies

Food, Fried Rice, jollof, Nigeria
So many things keep people up at night, like why Jollof Rice feels incomplete without chicken. Or how Pizza is just bread and stew that studied abroad. Anyway sha, Twitter user, @Kristin_obute was kind enough to tell the hilarious story of Jollof Rice’s love life and how Fried Rice joined the cool kids of Nigerian food.

If i was Jollof rice i would be curving bare guys in the food chain uno ??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

New DM from Yam: want to hang out?
Jollof: Nigga please where do you see people having Yam with Jollof ??? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Be out there dating one fine laiiskeen plantain doing twitter couple ??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Moi moi would be that nigga that wants to date me but he’s 5’4 so we besties ?
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Fried rice is that friend that knows she’s prettier than me but doesn’t understand the hype around me..lowkey likes plantain…
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

I would be turning up in all the big parties n events..niggas know its goan be live if I’m there..but i dont club cos good girl uno
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Coleslaw/Salad giving me by the side uno..all that cream..making me glow lowkey… my account balance popping too cos they loaded ?
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Eba would be awon haters..always at parties with me but most people pick me first..think i want their man..but Jollof n Egusi..ewww please??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Friends with Agidi cos she dating my bestie Moi moi..Eba n her Amala crew hating on us cos Agidi is IJGB of Swallow Squad..
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

They lowkey think we tweet bout them but?? its just RTs from FatTwitter Slander uno ?
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Fried rice claims she’s my besties..always photobombing my selfies.. post on IG #Besties#MixedRice but still gossips to White rice bout me?
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

White rice doesn’t like anyone of us but somehow gets involved in all our drama…she’s the keep me anon that tells SDM bout our gist??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Now everyone knows Plantain gave Fried Rice at Socialiga and Salad paid for my Tw.wig tab??? Eba n co have alot to tweet..Moi moi in my dms?
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Moi moi talmbout gimme a chance.. but he’s 5’4 and I’m Jollof… plus Agidi is my guy..so I’m posting snaps with him but curving his ass??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Plantain replying my snaps like “Wyd thought y’all just friends” “it was just once uno” “i dont even like that bitch” “u aint all that uno”
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Yam dropping subs like “date a good man” like fam aint nobody want your rachy ass.. Beans said shes been itchy since yall dated..check ursef
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Beans in my dms like “sorry babe” but i know shes tryna find out if i would go with her ex Yam..likes his dumbass even if he gave her STI ??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

I dont know why shes hanging with dead guys uno she could be with a guy like Plantain but she doesnt think shes that buff..and hes proud AF
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Akara is just Faving n laughing…Anon Twitter… everyone knows you are giving Pap yo.. but forming long distance with Custard but ?☕
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Custard is sending you all those pretty shoes and bags you use as your Avi… we really dont care uno.. keep my name outta ur tweets??
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Moi moi DMs (been a while spoke): sorry about my sister (Akara) me: Don curr
Moi moi: ur ex just left..i think he’s dating Beans but lowks — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

I saw that shii coming uno..but I’m petty so i send “Hey Big Head” to Plantain just to Fuvk shit up a bit….
Plantain: You alright babe? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

*Airs Dm*
Tweets:Weekend Goan be live with my goons *puts old picture of me and beans* we aint even that close..but i know he would see it? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Beans replies: “Yass gurll turn up”
Me thinking Fam I’m setting ur ass up.. Tweets: ?? *4 missed call* Plantain Text: U coming Sat?.. P. — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Replies Plantain: Not sure..you?
Plantain: Yeah.. we should talk Airs text.. stress *Ice retweeted your tweet* — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Ice Dms:Coming Sat? goan be live..Cookies bringing some dope shii..bring ur girls..Free drinks for y’all, help me RT my Pinned tweet
Me:Aii — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Small Chops: Sat? Who’s coming?
Beef: Yayy *shares tweet with gizzard* That babe on ur mans TL yo Gizzard: fucking hoe kmt *Gizzard faves* — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Gizzard shares screenshot*
Small chops: why u faving tweets tho Gizzard: you know why Small chops: nothing happened Group chat: Me:☕ Egg:? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza: thats what they all say next thing they are giving your bestfriend in Socialiga
Egg:??????? Me: still sore fam???? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Gizzard: Savage ?Dead???
Pizza: btw he’s dating ur short bestfriends ugly sister..deadass hiding her ugly ass Me:?????? be nice Egg: dying?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza: Egg might be dying cos Yam probabaly gave her some shii uno☕?
Me: Wow ? Gizzard:???? *Egg has left the group chat* Me: oh shit? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

BBM*
Me:Babe howfar? It was a joke na Egg: i really like him Me: we know..Pizza has bad mouth free her jo Egg:only talk to her cos of you — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

*Jollof Added Egg to Group Chat*
Me: Ice said i should invite you guys for Saturday Pizza: Ice? The one dating that babe with fake accent? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Egg: Oshey IJGB..i ‘ve the real init accent
Pizza: ode? Me:its not fake jo Gizzard: Abeg she’s always trying to copy Coke jor..Fake famzer — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Me: but Coke n ice tho??
Pizza: Cookkeee n icceeee?? Egg: those two? Gizzard:they are bestfriends Me:?? Egg:free that side?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Gizzard: Wait?! They are not just bestfriends
Me: guyy? Pizza: Like you and plantain that year? Egg:????? Gizzard:Fuck you guys..??? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Me:lowks Coke n Ice ?
Pizza: Coke n Ice is fucking dope yo!..they need to be a serious thing? Egg: Pizza check Icecreams snap? Pizza: Why? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza:GUYYSSS Icecreams in Lag n he got a job in my office..hohoho???
Me:Wait Dominos? Pizza:No Coldstone Egg:Yooooo ??? Gizzard:?????? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza:Rarrr I’ve a new topping and it aint cheese??
Me: you are disgusting??? Egg:Sav?? Gizzard: Creamy cheese? Me: Guys?? Pizza: Uno?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Me:Remember that guy i used to collect from when i was with Plantain
Egg: the rich guy Pizza:Salad abi Coleslaw whats that his name? Me: ?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Gizzard: ehen what happened?
Me: he’s with Fish now? Pizza:wasnt she dating that IJGB Chips Egg:?? Me:uno Gizzard:that babe stinks yo bleh — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Egg:so Chips is Singu?
Me: Stop Gizzard:i thought you and yam…? Pizza:Hoee!! Go gurlll? Me:Guys..Chicken just Dmed me? Pizza:?? Egg: Oho? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza: You guyyss go to Twitter Plaintain n Beans Engaged..Fried Rice Called Beans black and Ugly?
Me:oh shit???? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Twitter
Jollof: Black and Ugly but she got the ring uno☕ Amala: lmaoo cc @ Fried rice Fried rice: Nobody called ur black round self here FOH — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Akara: Hoes everywhere? smelling TL bleh
Custard: Catfish too is talking Bread: @ custard guy delete that Custard: cos you fuvking her now? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Ewa G: @ bread @ Custard Oh?!
Bread: i just think its disrespectful to disrespect women EwaG: Are you fuking her or not?@ bread Me: cc @ egg — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Egg: Somebody that can sleep with anything that moves??
Bread: But you slept with someone’s fiance? Potato: @ plantain Eba: ??? Beans: huh? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Asun: Big Endorsement coming through?
Pohnmo: Guyyy GOAT?? Bole: Epp?? Suya: New single with Asun we move? White Rice?? Asun: Basic bitches — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Coke: Fall in love with your bestfriend
Pizza: you go girl Coke: lool what? Gizzard:??? *Ice Faved tweet* Malibu: @ coke Word? Me:?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Snail: the night is dark..thats how stars are made in your darkest moments
Agidi: this one is always high.. Moi moi: Slow?? guyy show na — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Jollof: ? Wedding fleek with bae @ Chicken
Chicken:?? Fried Rice: Damn Gurll what seasoning did you use Jollof: Knorr Cubes Egg: Goals?? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Semovita:they will steal this ones new bae again?☕
Jollof:i think people make mistakes like your brows u need 2 let it go like your weight? — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

Pizza: gurll??
Egg: Chill are we friends with Fried rice again Gizzard: i think so Me: i miss her? Pizza:Yass *Fried rice added 2 groupchat* — Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016

*The End*
— Small Lee❤ (@Kristine_Obute) July 14, 2016
Shout out to @Kristine_obute. You’re officially crazier than all of us at Zikoko.

Maryam

July 15, 2016

Gist

Fried Rice, Jollof RIce, Nigerian Food, Twitter
According to this report, there is a shortage of rice all over the world and we couldn’t be more worried.
1. When you realise the food that defines your life is about to get scarce.

Panic attack!
2. When you realise you won’t be attending any more Owambe parties.

Because what is an Owambe without Jollof rice?
3. Nigerians, when they realise there won’t be Sunday rice anymore.

Kuku kill us.
4. How Nigerians protest when they stop eating rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We no go gree!
5. People that have rice at home will start doing shakara.

The same way girls on ig won't say where their weave is from, that's how chefs won't say where their rice is from when it gets scarce
— THELMZKITCHEN (@thelmzkitchen) May 5, 2016

He who has Jollof rice has the whole world.
6. You, when your mother can’t tell you “there’s rice at home” anymore.

Look at God!
7. Christmas Jollof will become Christmas Amala.

The stress!
8. What restaurants serve when you ask for a plate of rice.

Chisos!
9. Nigerians, when their favourite Jollof rice restaurants finally close down.

This can’t be the end..
10. Daddy Bubu will kuku jet out for an international intervention on rice production.

Bring rice for us oh!
11. Nigerians, when a minister tries to tell them to find alternatives to rice.

Who couscous don epp?
12. How Nigerians rush to Benue when they realise there are several rice plantations in the state.

Let’s go there!

Maryam

May 11, 2016

Oldies

Fried Rice, Jollof RIce, Nigeria, Nigerians, Rice, rice scarcity
Odunayo

September 25, 2015

Quizzes

Fried Rice, Jollof RIce, Nigerians, Ofada Rice, Rice, White Rice