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Food inflation has shown Nigerians hot shege over the past few months. So, if you plan to visit a restaurant on February 14 with the LOYL, you might want to reconsider that choice. Imagine coughing out ₦87k on one meal, God, abeg.
You’ll spend a lot less if you enter the kitchen, and we know just the right meals to cook.
Red pancakes
Ditch the natural brownish pancake colour for something that speaks to the theme of the day. Exactly, colour RED. If red cake is a thing, who says you cannot serve red pancakes on Valentine’s Day? Find a simple recipe here.
Akara
Most Nigerians would rather buy from the roadside than make this meal in their house because making it is mad stressful. So when you take the trouble upon yourself and serve the LOYL that plate of hot akara, they’ll only think, “You went through all that stress for me?” Find a simple recipe here.
Pounded yam and egusi
Emphasis on “pounded” because no Nigerian meal screams “Labour of love” louder than pounded yam. Think about it, you’ll have to slice the yam, cook it and then pound it afterwards. You also have to make egusi because regular soup can’t work for this special day. Listen, there’s no way they’ll doubt your true love for them after this meal. Find a simple recipe here.
Homemade pizza
Another meal Nigerians love but hardly ever make themselves. So, when you take up the challenge and serve them flaming hot pizza from your own oven, they’ll know you rate them AF. We suggest you start practicing ahead with this straightforward recipe.
Where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
Jollof spaghetti
Pasta is a main character in every Nigerian love story, and restaurants know this. That’s why it’s always on the menu, and ridiculously priced too. So, enter the kitchen and cook the wickedest jollof pasta ever. Remember, we’re sticking to the red theme of the day, so avoid anything creamy, please. Find a simple recipe here.
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Small chops
This one will show them you understand that variety is the spice of a happy relationship. A basket of puff-puff, spring rolls, samosa, gizzard and mosa all home-cooked by you? They will know you have no intention of boring them to death in the relationship. Find a recipe here.
Red Velvet cake
What’s more perfect than treating your boo to a dessert that comes in the colour of the day? Just make sure you do all the baking yourself. That’s the only way they’ll know you went through it just to tease their tastebuds. If you don’t know how to bake, practise with this recipe today.
I’ve never been much of an adventurous foodie or traveller. I’d only been outside of Nigeria once when I visited Cotonou in 2018, and I had access to the Nigerian food I was familiar with. I think that’s why I still haven’t recovered from the culture shock I experienced during my December 2023 trip to Algeria.
I didn’t just decide to visit Algeria on a whim. I’m a journalist, and the opportunity to visit the country came when the Algerian government invited my team to cover a conference.
My first shock was the visa and travel processes. I knew it was a police state and expected restrictions, especially for journalists, but I assumed it’d be straightforward since we were invited. It wasn’t.
For one week, we navigated a long back-and-forth process with the Algerian embassy in Abuja, filling out forms in English and Arabic. The embassy in Nigeria initially couldn’t get visa clearance for us from Algeria, and we had to fill out another form specifically for journalists. My team and I finally got our visas two days into the conference and had to rush to catch a flight and meet up.
After a 14-hour fight, including a stop in Doha, Qatar, we eventually got to Algiers, the capital city. We thought it’d be smooth sailing from this point on, but then we were delayed at the airport for an additional two hours. During this time, we were searched and questioned because of the media equipment we travelled with. We were the only black people in the airport, and I noticed we were gradually getting surrounded by security personnel as we were being questioned.
The increased security presence was strategic in a we-take-our-security-serious way, but it reminded me of Nigeria. We wouldn’t have had that ordeal if they had a proper line of communication. It was like one arm of the government invited us, and the other arm had no idea.
With the visa and travel wahala finally behind us, we were free to do our work and explore Algiers. But the next culture shock was waiting: The food. I mentioned earlier that I’m not an adventurous foodie. I don’t do pass myself. My stomach is somewhat sensitive, so even when I briefly consider switching up my diet, it typically ends at just that — a consideration.
Algerians eat olive oil with everything. Maybe it’s the hotel we stayed in, but people could be drinking tea and have olive oil by their side. I was so confused. And the bread? It was hard as rocks. Coming from Nigeria, where soft bread is the standard, I was definitely unprepared.
A plate of plain bread, crepe and chocolate bread.
The official languages of Algeria are Arabic and Berber, but they also speak French because France colonised them. The food in the hotel was labelled in French, and I had to use an online translator before ordering. That wasn’t necessarily an issue, but the food itself was mostly always cold and quite bland. No salt or pepper, and there was olive oil and onions in everything. There was also a heavy water shortage. There were different types of drinks, but when it came to water, we’d only get one bottle of water for five people. It was strange.
A side of purple cabbage and cream to accompany a rice and pasta dish.
But it wasn’t all bad. On one of the nights, we went to a lounge where a colleague ordered a medium-rare steak. It was the largest steak portion I’ve ever seen in my life. It took my colleague a whole hour to finish it. So, I guess portion-wise, they held nothing back. I had chicken myself, and it wasn’t bad.
The roads are also amazing. I didn’t see one pot-hole. One night, when we returned to the hotel, we noticed something was wrong with one side of the road. By the next morning, we saw machines fixing it.
Did I mention Algeria is a rich country? Almost everyone wore designer outfits – even the security officers wore Rolex watches. Almost everyone smokes too, which I chalked down due to the cold weather. They have a four-day week system, so their weekends start on Thursday. I definitely wasn’t mad at that.
The Martyrs’ Memorial monument serves as a reminder of the lives lost during Algeria’s fight for Independence.
I spent three days in Algeria, it’s a really beautiful, well-put-together country. It would have been a 10/10 experience if there wasn’t the food debacle and other culture shocks. Now that I know what to expect regarding the cuisine, I won’t mind visiting again. Maybe by then, I’d have properly researched where to get food I can tolerate.
I recently took a short trip to an amala joint in the Onipanu area of Lagos. An IG influencer had visited the spot and raved about how good and, most importantly, affordable the food was. So, I carried my ₦1k to the place and even had an extra ₦500 in case I was tempted to splurge. After completing my order, my bill came to a staggering ₦3500. How can?
It turned out the protein servings gulped half of my bill, and while it looked like I’d splurged unnecessarily on meat, it now seems inconsequential compared to these individuals’ biggest food expenses.
Dayo*
I once visited a random amala spot in Ibadan during a work trip. It wasn’t one of the popular spots, but they had quite a crowd, indicating that they did something right. I didn’t think to ask about the prices when I ordered because I assumed everything there would be cheap. I mean, it’s Ibadan and it wasn’t a fancy spot.
I bought assorted, bush meat and goat meat along with semo. When I asked for my bill, the attendant said ₦7500. I wasn’t sure I heard correctly, so I asked again, and then she broke down the price of everything on my plate. Apparently, bushmeat sold for ₦2500, and I bought two.
Sesan*
I once took my friends out to an amala spot in Surulere. I’d just been promoted at work, and they insisted I celebrated. I chose the buka because I thought it’d be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to spend too much. Everyone got turkey, assorted meat and brokoto (cow leg) with their swallow of choice. The bill came, and it was around ₦25k. When I checked, about ₦18k of the total amount was the cost of meat. I paid, but I didn’t leave the place smiling.
Demola*
We had this family function in Ogun state sometime in 2022. Some of my mum’s friends arrived late when the caterers had already run out of meat. There was rice, amala and porridge, but nothing else to accompany it. I saw how distressed my mum was, and it was also quite obvious that the people that just arrived were hungry. I remembered I’d seen a suya guy setting up some blocks away from the event centre, so I went to buy from him. He was reluctant to sell his entire stock to me so I ended up buying ₦30k worth of suya.
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Jide*
I once hosted my birthday at a local nightclub back in uni. Most of the day was stressful because I had a series of tests and had to submit assignments. When I returned to the hostel, my friends dragged me to the club with a plan to have some drinks and suya.
Unfortunately, the suya guy didn’t come, and we were left with just drinks. The owner of the place overheard us grumbling, about this and mentioned that she had asun. I don’t know if it was the birthday excitement, hunger or just the alcohol talking, but I told her to bring the entire pot of asun. When we finished and asked for the price, the asun alone was ₦25k. I’m sure it wasn’t more than ₦10-15k asun in that pot, but I didn’t bother pricing. I paid, and we left. I woke up the following day remembering how stupid I was to squander ₦25k on mid asun.
Deji*
I was staying with a friend in Abuja for the festive season. I stepped out one night for a walk, and on my way back I saw this nice suya spot. I had ₦2k with me, which would’ve been more than enough to buy suya in Lagos. I got to this aboki and requested chicken suya. I heard him charge another guy ₦400 for two sticks of suya so I bought five sticks each for myself and my friend. When it was time to pay, this guy returned my ₦2k and said my money wasn’t complete.
I was confused until he explained a stick was ₦1k. He refused when I tried to return the suya, and insisted I paid. Baba collected his complete ₦10k. I ate the suya with an aftertaste of regret in my mouth.
John*
I’ll always tell anyone I know to hold money when you go to these bukkas in remote villages and ask questions about the meat. Last year during a work trip to Oyo, I and a friend had to split an unexpected ₦12k bill. Turned out they served an assorted mix of bush and antelope meat. Those things don’t come cheap.
One of the activities I anticipate at local food joints is choosing protein. Good ol’ beef hardly interests me; I crave the weird-looking parts that often surprise my taste buds.
Standing there, I ask the slightly-irritated amala seller, “What part is that? What about that one? Is that round-about? What about the one that looks plaited?” Occasionally, she’s fascinated by my curiosity; other times, her expression screams, “Uncle, wrap it up.”
If, like me, you often face a dilemma when confronted with a large pot of assorted meat parts, grab a note. There are lessons to learn.
Ponmo
Photo: BBC
People may argue that it is tasteless and lacks nutritional benefits, but ponmo is king. It’s processed cowhide/skin with a soft, chewy texture. Ponmo is served in sauces and pairs well as a side offering with Nigerian swallow.
Rib Cut
Source: Beef
This is meat found in the rib cage area of a red meat animal. You’ll often find it in upscale restaurants with fancy names like smoked barbecue ribs, honey barbecue ribs, etc.
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Oxtail
Many people get confused with this name, but this part is simply cow tail. It has a distinct flavour that slaps when used for pepper sauces, stew, and pepper soup.
Cow Foot (Brokoto)
Source: Abuja Food Delivery Mart
This portion of cow meat doesn’t come cheap. It can be boiled or fried and is popular among the Igbos as the preferred option for nkwobi. It often requires a lot of cooking time to soften it up.
Tripe
Source: Niyis
Also known as shaki, this is animal intestine. It has a rough and spongy texture that often requires a lot of cleaning. Shaki is mostly served in the company of assorted offerings and is a preferred protein option for ofada sauce.
Round About
Source: Nairaland
It’s a cow’s intestine shaped like a roundabout, hence the name. You’ll find it among the assorted offerings that come with amala or ofada sauce. It’s not a regular protein option, so it’s hardly bought as a standalone.
Liver
The gist is, your Nigerian fried rice is not complete if you don’t have liver cuts in it. It also comes along with assorted offerings for amala or ofada sauce. It’s best enjoyed fried.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival on November 11. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
My friends never agree with me when I argue with my full chest that there’s no beating turkey’s supremacy. It’s that meat that gives, whether you’re having it with swallow, rice or as a standalone grilled or peppered treat.
Since Artificial Intelligence (AI) claims to know all, I decided to put it to the test. I went to the almighty Chat GPT to help us rank the best meat for swallow in particular. While I can’t say I completely agree with this list, AI told no lies.
6. Goat meat
Source: Dooneyskitchen
If you can ignore the strong stench, Chat GPT might have a point here. Goat meat is bae, especially when you have it with white or black amala. But why does it have to be so expensive? A portion sells for as high as ₦500 – 1000 at local bukkas. Not a good spend when you consider the ponmo you’ll get at the same price.
My ranking: 3
5. Chicken
Source: Sisijemimah
How can? I completely disagree with this ranking. The only time chicken should show face on your plate is when it’s with rice, spaghetti or chips. If for any reason you choose to serve chicken with any Nigerian swallow, it should be deep-fried to a crunch and soaked in the pot of soup for three working days.
My ranking: 4
4. Beef Suya
Source: SisiJemimah
Sound ridiculous, but AI might be on to something here. Have you ever tried a generous serving of spicy suya with vegetable soup? It is a serve. However, by all means, avoid kilichi with any type of Nigerian swallow.
My ranking: 5
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3. Catfish or tilapia
Source: Dobby’s Signature
The focus is meat, but if AI insists we should include any type of fish in this list, then I’ll have to partially agree. I think the only acceptable way to eat catfish is to have it smoked to perfection or in a spicy pepper soup broth. Tilapia, on the other hand, is a serve with any Nigerian swallow.
My ranking: 6
2. Turkey
Source: Queenvarieties
This is your second reminder that this user is a shameless turkey stan who believes in the ultimate supremacy of turkey. Grilled, peppered, fried, boiled, it’s the one meat that goes with all swallow and all its varying servings.
My ranking: 1
1. Offal (Tripe, liver, kidney)
Also known as “inu eran”, there’s no 100% amala satisfaction without a generous serving of stewed offal. It’s the only way to enjoy the true amala experience, although I cannot say the same for other swallow offerings.
My ranking: 2
You’ll have your fill of grilled, peppered or fried meat and many more at Zikoko’s meat festival in November. Have you bought your Burning Ram ticket? You can do that real quick here.
Kids these days only know Skittles and Maltesers but if you’re a 90s kid or older, you’ll know that we had better OGs.
These local candies were cheaper, easily accessible and definitely a treat for the taste buds.
Source: Instagram (@bera_foods)
Baba Dudu (Black toffee)
Source: ErinFood
Might not have been considered cool to bring it out during your lunch breaks, but Baba Dudu was that guy. What other candy could you afford with N5? It’s made from coconut milk and cream. These days, the quality has significantly reduced even though it’s still cheap as fuck.
Sisi Pelebe (Groundut candy)
Source: Ounje Aladun
As a 90s kid, this is one candy you’ll be familiar with if you had uncles and aunties that made trips to Coutonu. Unlike Baba Dudu, it’s flat and is a brighter shade of brown. Sisi pele is made from groundnut, sugar and salt.
Ridi (Sesame seed candy)
Source: Northpad Kitchen
This candy is the star kid in the north and only found its way to other regions on rare occasions. It’s basically sesame seeds coated in sugar syrup.
Ekana Gowon (Gowon’s finger)
Source: Dobby’s signature
Another personal favourite, Ekana Gowon is probably the cheapest local candy on this list. I remember buying it for as low as two sticks for N5. It’s made from sugar, lime and water. The unique cone shape sets it apart from the other local candies.
Alewa
Source: Nairaland
Alewa was the queen that brought the boys to the yard. It was the quickest way to get your playmates’ the attention and have them begging for some. It’s made from water, sugar and food colouring. It also had a reputation for changing the colour of the tongue—a real charmer for kids.
Coconut candy
Source: Kitchen Butterly
This candy deserves some real respect because it’s the only one fully thriving to this day. You’ll even find it at owambes, either as a souvenir or dessert option. It’s made from coconut, sugar and water.
Catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer, once a month from Sunday, June 11, 2023.
Trenches food is the cheap food people buy off the streets or roadside restaurants. The people of Twitter go on and on about how it’s the best kind of food out there, and to be honest, I don’t disagree. BUT not all of it is great, and that’s why I’ve decided to rank the top ten trenches foods from “hell no” to “top-tier”.
I’ve never had this, but I bet it tastes as unappealing as it looks. People who say they like this are lying. How can you eat something that looks so bland?
I understand we’re talking about trenches food, but come on now, spaghetti and beans? Why did anybody think this would be a good combination? There’s no way this tastes good because the textures of both meals just don’t go together. The worst is rice, spaghetti and beans. You must be eating for eating sake if you eat that.
What is it with mama put and adding beans anywhere it’s not needed? Is yam and stew not good enough? Eating two heavy meals together can’t be good for anybody.
Agege bread and butter
Just bread and butter? No egg, beans, akara or even stew? It’s giving basic.
The best akara is the kind you buy from the mama down the road from your office at 7 a.m. before work starts. It’s straight out of the fire and goes perfectly with agege bread or pap hot enough to burn your throat. The bread is two days stale, and the pap is the kind they scoop with a big plastic cup.
Whether you have it early in the morning, afternoon or at night, fried yam or potato with pepper sauce will always bang. Take note though, it must be served inside black nylon or newspaper. If they give it to you in a styrofoam plate, it won’t have the sweet trenches taste.
The rice has to come with ofada sauce that has enough pepper in it to make you cry, plenty of meat, two boiled eggs and five fingers of plantain.
White rice, stew and boiled egg
The egg has to be soaked in the stew, and the stew must have enough oil to reduce your life span by eight years. If not, the food won’t slap.
Mai shayi bread and egg
I’m not sure whether it’s the excess oil or how they press the bread in the frying pan after putting the egg in the middle, but mai shayi agege bread and egg sandwich tastes like it dropped from heaven.
Ewa agoyin and agege bread
Nothing beats trenches ewa agoyin. A restaurant opened up and tried to sell it in fancy packaging. That didn’t work out because the trenches is part of ewa agoyin’s sauce. It’s best served in a styrofoam plate with the oil dripping into the black nylon and staining everywhere.
It’s good to be adventurous with food, but Nigerians make some choices that should be considered a jailable crime. These ten things are the worst of them all.
Drinking garri with milk
I need the person who started this crime to explain what they were thinking. In what way is garri and milk a good combination? Is it cereal? (Anyone who just answered yes deserves punishment). The real criminals are those who do it with Ijebu garri.
Eating suya in the afternoon
Check the Nigerian constitution, and you’ll see it written there that suya must be made and eaten at night because “night” is the key ingredient. If you ever eat it in the morning or afternoon, you’re committing a federal crime, and you deserved to be flogged.
Saying Lagos bole is better than PH bole
First of all, this is just complete self-deceit. How can you see PH Bole in all its juicy gloriousness, with the fish, pepper sauce, soft ponmo etc., and say boring Lagos Bole is better? Don’t say it outside, or they’ll lock you up.
Taking cereal with hot water
Only babies are exempted from this because they have to eat soggy nonsense. They don’t have teeth. But as a grown adult without teeth problems, you should be deployed into the Nigerian army to eat corn and garri since you don’t appreciate good food.
Eating swallow with cutlery
Nigeria gained independence from the British in 1960. This means we no longer have to do things the way the colonisers taught us. So please, drop that fork and use your hand to eat that eba. If you don’t, it means you’re a coloniser and we’ll have to lock you up.
People who swallow swallow
If you swallow eba, amala, fufu, pounded yam or any other swallow, without chewing, you’re a cultist or hired assassin and that’s why you should be put in jail. You plus the person who named these foods “swallow” when they’re clearly meant to be chewed. We need a petition to change the name to “chewers”, please.
Eating anything that’s not rice and stew on Sunday
Who do you think you are, trying to break a lifelong tradition of eating rice and stew on a Sunday? Rice and stew was ordained as the traditional meal for Sunday lunch since before our parents were born. If you eat anything else, you’re dishonouring tradition, and the gods will flog you when you’re asleep at night.
If you ever want my mum to talk for three hours non-stop, just ask her about Igbo soups. She’d be more than happy to launch into a monologue about how they’re all better than freshly made agege bread.
These soups originated from the Southeastern part of Nigeria and have a basic naming formula. “Ofe” means “soup” in Igbo, and it’s usually followed by the main ingredient in the soup — a vegetable. So if you want to be doing fitness, eat plenty Igbo soups.
I had time to kill recently, and wanted to do the Lord’s work, so I asked my mum what the best Igbo soup recipes were. What followed was a mini cooking show/life therapy session. According to my Igbo mum, this is the best way to cook your favourite Igbo soups.
First things first, you can’t manage resources with this soup. It’s better to borrow money than to eat oha soup that’s begging for life. And if you know how to price well at the market, you won’t need to finish your money.
What you’ll need for three to four servings
2 cups of hand-chopped oha leaves
1 cup of knife-chopped uziza leaves
1 cup of ground crayfish
2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers
1 tablespoon of ogili isi
Half a cup of cocoyam paste or 2 tablespoons of achi
Half a cup of palm oil
Meat
Stockfish and dry catfish
Salt and seasoning cubes
Preparation
Thoroughly clean your stockfish with warm water — not hot, you don’t want all the taste to disappear, and not cold or it might not take out all the dirt from market storage.
Boil it with your cleaned meat in a little water, so they’ll get soft together. The water should be just enough to slightly cover the meat and stockfish because the meat will bring out its own fluid when heated.
Season well. You notice I didn’t mention onions. It can overpower the soup’s taste, so we usually don’t add it.
Clean your dry fish and add it to the meat when it’s tender. If the meat stock is drying up, add about a cup of water to it.
Grind the pepper and add it to the pot of steaming meat and fish. Yes, Igbo people like pepper too, but it shouldn’t drown out the taste of your soup.
After about five minutes, add palm oil and cocoyam paste in large lumps. If you can’t get cocoyam, use achi. But make sure you use good achi or your soup would be watery. How do you get good achi? Befriend the market women so they don’t sell rubbish to you. Drop all your phonetics, ask them about their children and see if they don’t become your friend. Phonetics won’t take you everywhere.
Add the ogili isi and crayfish. Be more generous with crayfish than politicians are when election is near. Cook for about three minutes.
Check for salt and seasoning, and add more if necessary.
The soup should be thickened by now, so wash and add the chopped uziza leaves and stir.
Remember when I said the oha leaves should be hand-chopped? Cutting it with a knife might make the leaves hard, so just use your hand to tear them into large pieces — small pieces will just disappear into the soup because the leaves are very delicate — when it’s almost time. Wash with water, and add to the soup.
Reduce the heat, stir and cook for about five more minutes.
Scoop out and chew a cooked oha leaf to confirm the soup is ready — it should be tender.
Enjoy your soup with any swallow except amala. Amala is just wrong with this soup, please.
This is what you cook when you want to buga to your enemies and let your amebo neighbours know you serve a living God. You must have money to cook Ofe Owerri. It’s not just soup. It’s a sign of prosperity.
What you’ll need for three to four servings
Half a cup of finely shredded okazi leaves
Half a cup of shredded ugu leaves (optional)
2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
Quarter cup of cocoyam paste (from the round Owerri ones)
1 cup of ground crayfish
1 tablespoon of ogili isi
Half a cup of palm oil
Assorted meat
Snails (optional)
Stockfish and dry fish
2 onions (sliced)
Salt and seasoning cubes
Preparation
Season the stockfish, snails and meat with salt, seasoning and onions. Boil with half a cup of water. The stock will serve as the soup’s base, so it has to be tasty. A bland stock is just like using low-quality Hollandaise fabric to sew the best style. Whatever the style, the cloth will still spoil. Buy real Hollandaise.
When the meat is tender, add dry fish, crayfish, pepper and palm oil. Allow to cook for five minutes, then reduce the heat.
Add in the cocoyam paste gradually, and stir as it thickens. The soup shouldn’t be so thick. Easy does it; remember this when applying make-up too.
Add the ogili isi and allow to cook for three minutes. If too thick, loosen with meat stock or water. Make sure to keep tasting for flavour and adjust the seasoning as necessary.
Add the washed okazi, and let it cook for two more minutes before adding the washed ugu leaves. If you don’t want ugu, just allow the soup to simmer for a bit.
Proceed to enjoy your soup with any swallow — again, not amala — and remember to open your windows so your neighbours can perceive the goodness of God in your life.
This soup is proof that not everything sweet is good. I don’t know if it’s a proverb, but if you eat any bitter leaf soup that’s “sweet”, something is wrong somewhere. Sometimes, the best things in life will challenge you and your tastebuds.
What you’ll need for three to four servings
If you still haven’t gotten it yet, most of the ingredients you’ll need for Igbo soups are the same. The only major difference is the vegetable.
1 cup of properly washed bitter leaves
2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
Quarter cup of cocoyam paste or 2 tablespoons of achi
2 tablespoons of ground crayfish
1 tablespoon of ogili isi
Half a cup of palm oil
Meat
Stockfish and dry fish
Salt and seasoning cubes
Preparation
Season your meat and stockfish as usual. This soup doesn’t need onions, but you can add a little to boil your meat if you like.
Once the meat is tender, add some water to loosen the stock. Add the cleaned dry fish, crayfish, pepper and palm oil. Allow to cook for five minutes then reduce the heat.
Add the cocoyam paste gradually and stir as it thickens. You can make the soup as thick as you want, but remember, too much of everything isn’t good.
Proceed to add the ogili isi and taste for seasoning. Allow it to cook for about three minutes before adding the washed bitter leaves. If you don’t know how to wash it, check here. Don’t be like my children who are too scared to taste the washed leaves before adding to the pot. How else will you know if it’s still too bitter?
Once added, allow it to cook for some minutes till the leaves are somewhat tender.
Bitter leaf soup is versatile and can withstand multiple rewarming if necessary. Is your prayer life as versatile?
In Igbo land, we cook this soup for nursing mothers during the omugwo (post-childbirth) period. We also use fresh catfish instead of meat, but only rich people buy catfish now, so make do with what you have. Contentment is godly (except when cooking oha or ofe owerri, sha).
What you’ll need for three to four servings
Chicken (or any meat you have).
2 or 3 yellow scotch bonnet peppers (ground)
2 big slices of yam
2 tablespoons of ground crayfish
1 teaspoon of ground uziza and ehuru seeds
1 small chunk of ogiri okpei
Half a cup of uziza leaves
Quarter cup of utazi leaves
Meat
Stockfish and dry catfish
Salt and seasoning cubes
Preparation
At this point, you should already know to season and boil your meat and stockfish. Boil the yams in a separate pot of water, and pound it in a bowl when tender.
When the meat is tender, add some water to make room for the soup, then add the cleaned fish, crayfish, ogili okpei, ground seeds and pepper.
Let this cook for three minutes before adding the pounded yam in small lumps. This will serve as the soup’s thickener.
Stir the soup until the yam dissolves. Don’t stir too much though, so the fish doesn’t scatter.
Add the washed utazi and uziza leaves. Be careful with the utazi as it’s quite bitter. Put it in gradually and taste as you go. Patience is a virtue in life, especially when cooking nsala.
After adding the leaves, allow the soup to simmer for two minutes.
Please, only serve with pounded yam. It’s the law.
Welcome to my YouTube channel, where I tell people what to do and not do with food and drinks. Today, we shall be talking about our food resolutions for the year. If you don’t want us to fight, do all the things I‘ve listed below.
Kill chicken
At your big age, you don’t know how to hold a chicken to the ground and kill it? Come on now. You’re too big for this. This is a skill people add to their CVs, and you don’t have it? Do better this year.
Eat semo
Growing up means realising semo isn’t that bad, and people are just overdoing it with the slander. Give semo a try. I promise, you’ll see the light.
(This isn’t Dammy o. My account was hacked by Memi. Semo is trash.)
Attend more food events
Stop waiting for the end of the year to attend overcrowded food festivals. Many events happen throughout the year — BBQs, potlucks, yam and plantain festival, cocktails, etc. You just have to shine your eye and ears.
Eat Korean food
Are you not tired of going to that Chinese restaurant every single time you’re looking for where to eat? You want to say you’ve also been to Japanese restaurants. Good for you (even though all you ate was sushi and rice).
Make homemade pasta
Just realised this isn’t as hard as all those fancy chefs make it seem online. Apparently, you can even do this without some big-ass machine. I think everyone shoud make their own pasta at least once, just for the fun of it.
This agenda must agend because okra ice cream slaps. Remember the famous saying, “Don’t judge an ice cream by it’s name and ingredients.”
Have a cocktail competition
Gather your friends together and see who can make the best cocktail from basic ingredients. This is actually so much fun, and the fact that everyone will end up drunk is a bonus.
Go outside your comfort zone
This year, just be adventurous with food. Try meals from other tribes you’ve only ever heard about online, try a difficult recipe, eat that food you stopped liking many years ago, eat at a beer parlour, put pineapples in your burger and cheese in pancakes. Just don’t be basic.
Drink water
Because you people always forget to drink at least two litres a day and that’s not healthy. I need y’all alive and well to read Zikoko articles.
Ban fufu
Yes, semo is trash, but fufu is its oga. If you’re out here eating fufu, it means you can comfortably pick something from a toilet dustbin to eat.
Stop eating rice and tomato stew
We’re no longer in the days of our parents when the only thing they ate with white rice was either standard tomato stew or soup that was meant for swallow. There are way too many sauces out there for you to try with your rice. Don’t limit yourself.
Order something new at a restaurant
You order things like rice, burger, pasta, chicken and chips, and in your mind, you’ve gone to a restaurant to eat. Stop deceiving yourself. Open that menu, and order a meal with a name that’s hard to pronounce. Let’s start from there.
Moderator: Happy New Year and welcome to 2023! This year, we have a long list of people who want to make their case in front of the judge. For our first debate of the year at Zikoko HQ, Amala, Eba and Pounded Yam will go against each other for the title of “Best Swallow in Nigeria”. To make it more interesting, Semo will make a case for why they should be included as one of the top swallows.
As usual, there are two rounds. The three parties will present their arguments to the judges in the first round. They have two minutes each, so they have to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best swallow win.
Eba: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is Eba, and I’m here to assert the motion that I’m the best swallow in Nigeria. You see, I’m a staple food in every Nigerian home. When there’s nothing to eat, I’m there. And unlike Amala, I’m not limited to one soup.
Amala:
Eba: I’m the cheapest swallow, and I come in many variations — yellow, white and Ijebu garri — so people get to experience me differently. Oh, and let’s not forget I’m easy to make. I’m ready in five minutes, and you don’t have to use all the power in your body to turn or pound me.
(Eba walks back to their seat as Amala walks to the stage)
Amala:There is this constant debate about whether I’m trash or not. But the people who say I’m trash usually haven’t tried me yet.
Exhibit A
I may be tough to make, but trust me, I’m worth the wait.
Pounded yam: Are you flirting with the judge?
Amala: Shut up. What are you saying?
Like I was saying, I’m not a common commodity eaten by everybody, like eba and pounded yam. I’m a rare gem. I’m mostly seen at parties where people rush me. My dear audience, how many times do people ask for eba at parties? Are they even invited for parties? Exactly. I’m the most talked about swallow, and if I wasn’t the best, people wouldn’t be out there fighting for me.
(Amala walks back to their seat as pounded yam mounts the stage)
Pounded yam: Good morning, everyone. My name is pounded yam, and I’m THE best swallow in Nigeria. First of all, I’m the only sweet swallow; people can decide to eat me without soup, and I’ll still taste delicious. My skin is smooth, so unlike eba, I won’t get stuck in your throat. Swallows like semo and fufu tried to copy me but they didn’t turn out right, and that’s why many people don’t like them. I’m wanted both at home and at parties, and that’s why I’m the best.
Semo: I’m tired. I’m tired of the constant semo slander. Many years ago, people loved me. I was one of the top swallows in many households. Then the Gen-Zs and younger millennials came around and started tainting my name. Now, pounded yam has the audacity to tell me I’m trying to be like them. Me!
Amala: Ermmm. This isn’t supposed to be a movie monologue. It’s a debate. Get to your points.
Semo:
I need people to stop slandering me. Not only is it affecting my mental health, but also, everything bad being said about me comes from Gen-Zs. So clearly, there’s an agenda against me. How can you say I taste like ass when Fufu exists?
I look and taste good. If not, why did Brighto always cook me in the Big Brother Naija house that year? If I’m that bad, why are factories still producing me? Clearly, I’m wanted. It’s 2023, time to stop with the insults and grow up. I’m a good ass swallow (no pun intended), and I deserve to be added to the list of best swallows.
(Semo walks back to their seat, and the moderator returns to the stage)
Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now, it’s time to face one another. You have five minutes.
Amala: Pounded yam, how do you expect to be the best swallow when people have to suffer from body aches every time they pound you?
Pounded yam: If you had some sense, you’d know there are new methods that don’t involve pounding.
Eba: I don’t even know why this debate exists. I’m clearly the best. Do you know how many times I’m eaten in a week? Some people even eat me for breakfast and lunch.
Amala: Being cheap and available to be used by everybody doesn’t make you the best. It just means you’re low-quality.
Eba: Coming from the person who’s constantly called trash? Not the pot calling the kettle black.
Amala:
Semo: I don’t care about all these things you people are saying. I just want everyone to agree I deserve to be at the top just like all of you.
Amala: See this plagiarised pounded yam talking. Abeg, shift.
Semo:
Eba: Please, don’t make pounded yam feel important. *Looks at pounded yam* People barely eat you or talk about you. Sometimes, we even forget you exist. Even semo is more talked about than you. Even if it’s slander.
Semo:
Pounded yam: What is this one saying? You that tastes like sand. You’re only good for sticking things on the wall.
Amala: And you have a serious case of identity crisis because you can’t decide if you want to be yellow, white or Ijebu.
Eba: Are you mad?
Amala: And Pounded yam, you make people feel too heavy. That’s why they don’t like to eat you.
Pounded yam: People don’t like to eat you cause you’re black.
Amala: Wow! The colourism jumped out. Not that I expected better from a light-skinned person anyway.
Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break to give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.
(One of the judges walks to the stage)
Judge: You all did well in your arguments. But a winner must be decided.
Judge: And the best swallow to exist in Nigeria is… Amala!
Most people (read as: me, myself and I) are quick to refer to themselves as “foodies” when it’s time to eat food. But you see having to actually make the food, that’s another kettle of fish.
Why are some of the foods we love so difficult to make? Tbh, it’s not like they’re that hard, they just require specific skills — skills which you don’t have. Here’s a list of some of them:
Pounded yam
See, the whole process of pounding yam is too stressful, and it’s too easy to get it wrong when it’s time to mash the boiled yams. It’s not easier with yam powder either because then you have to beg the heavens to escape without lumps.
Image credit: Canadian cooking adventures
Amala
There’s a very thin line between making eatable amala or ending up with a limp, dirty-brown mess, and it has to do with your ability to “draw the amala close” (AKA fa mọ ra) while preparing it. Ask your Yoruba neighbour for the meaning.
Jollof rice
At a point, you have to wonder if you’re making smoky jollof, or just outright burnt offering.
Image credit: Ev’s eats
Fried rice
Fried rice just likes shakara, because why should I spend 17 hours chopping carrots and veggies to prepare you, and you decide to get spoiled two hours later?
Image credit: Chef Lola’s kitchen
Pap
Pap is literally just hot water and paste. Why does it have a covenant with the gods of watery messes? Even if the universe smiles on you and it thickens, it’ll still manage to taste raw. SMH.
Image credit: Cookpad
Beans
At what point does it change from tooth-crushing stones to food? Do you just put it on the fire then go and sleep? Why spend hours making something you’ll finish eating in 10 minutes?
Yes, egusi may be one of the easiest Nigerian soups to make, but it’s still super stressful to make at home. Or have you forgotten that egusi can go bad literally three hours after you make it?
Image credit: Soup embassy
Pancakes
Hear me out. If you wait too long before flipping it over, it gets burnt. If you don’t wait long enough, you get what can only be described as amoeba pancakes.
Image credit: Catherine Matthews
Noodles
Before you insult us, just think about that time you mistakenly added too much water to your noodles. Now you have to risk draining out some of the sweetness, or enduring soggy noodle peppersoup.
Image credit: My German table
Ewedu
We love ewedu with amala, but how do you ensure it “draws”? What’s the use of ewedu that doesn’t trail a line down your elbows and clothes when you try to eat it? These are the questions.
I have no idea why food seems more appealing when animated, but if you’re like me, you’ve wanted to try almost every food you’ve seen in animations. I’m convinced that the real-life replica doesn’t taste as good as they make it seem but we’ll take what we can get. From the tubby custard in Teletubbies to everything from Spirited Away, here are 17 cartoon foods I wish existed in real life.
Everything in Spirited Away
I remember watching the scene where Chihiro’s parents saw all that food that didn’t belong to them and just started eating. All the while, I was thinking, “God forbid, but also, same.” It’s impossible to watch this movie and not be hungry. Why did everything have to look so good, though?
Have you ever sat down to eat a burger, and your brain tells you it’ll never come close to a Krabby patty? Because this is me all the time. Those fish people in bikini bottoms could sell their kids to buy this burger, and I too might sell my siblings. I don’t want to hear anything about how the secret formula is Mr Crabs meat; please, I’ll still eat it.
Pink doughnut from The Simpsons
There’s just something about how Homer eats this doughnut up in one bite that assures me it slaps. Why hasn’t someone tried to recreate it yet? I’m sure it’s full of sugar, so I’m willing to risk my life to try this.
All the bugs in Lion King
Don’t lie; we’ve all wanted to try them at a point. The bugs kind of looked like gummy worms even. What if bugs don’t taste so bad, ya know? I feel like Simba would never lead us astray because that’s not very king-like behaviour. Timon said they tasted like chicken, so we can’t beat it till we’ve tried it.
Sleeping Beauty‘s sad-looking cake
You know how people always say, “All the best people are broken”? That’s precisely my sentiment with this cake. You just know that it tastes like love. No, I will not be explaining further. Plus, it was baked by fairies, so it’ll have to taste like magic.
Ramen in Ponyo
Every time it rains, I start craving noodles, and I blame Ponyo. Because no matter what I cook, it’ll never look like this perfect bowl of ramen. And with the way the kids ate it, you just know it slapped. Look at that broth! Life is not fair to people who aren’t animated.
Bowl of ramen in Naruto
In this life, there is mai shai, and there is ramen from Ichiraku ramen shop that Teuchi made. My biggest flaw in life was coming as a human being instead of an animated character that exists in every universe. Just look at this perfect bowl of ramen. I’m jealous.
Winnie the Pooh‘s golden Hunny
I don’t even like honey, but the one in Winnie the Pooh looked like liquid gold. Why’s it so thick? How can anyone eat honey for every meal? This bear carried a jar everywhere because of how great it tastes, I’m sure. He should release the names of the bees he gets it from, in two days, or we riot.
Pizza in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Why does no one make pizza that’ll rival the ones these green reptiles eat? Why does real life cheese never look that good? Why’s our pizza never as soft? Why isn’t the pizza they eat real? I, too, would make liking pizza my entire personality if it tasted and looked half as good as the ones on this TV show.
Shaggy’s sandwiches from Scooby-Doo
Shaggy might have been a lot of things, but he’d always create a masterpiece of a sandwich. It’s how he always tries to eat a full sandwich in one go for me. How good can a sandwich taste that you’d want to tear your mouth to eat it? No sandwich will ever come close to Shaggy’s sandwich, and that’s the problem with real life.
Bugs Bunny’s crunchy carrot from Looney Tunes
Does he plant it himself? Does he use special manure? Because real life carrots can’t taste that good, and the only time they actually taste nice is in carrot cake. Still, I want to try his carrot sha. Maybe It’ll give me all the energy this bunny uses to be a menace because I need it.
Every single thing that Other Mother makes in Coraline
See, the titular character, Coraline, is not a serious person. So what if they removed her eyes? So, what if the Other Mother was a witch that wanted her soul? Wasn’t it a better offer than living with neglectful parents? Can’t believe that babe didn’t trade her soul for junk and button eyes. It could never be me — bad decisions all the way!
The iconic plate of spaghettI from Lady and the Tramp
Spaghetti and meatballs piqued when Lady and Tramp had the most romantic diner in the history of romantic dinners. I specifically want to eat the spaghetti for that moment where someone’s child and I are both sucking on the same spaghetti strand from opposite ends and meet in the middle. What is love without sharing food, after all?
Ratatouille from Ratatouille
Growing older and realising that ratatouille is just a bunch of vegetables stacked on top of each other should make it unappealing, but no, I still want to try it. Maybe not the one cooked by a rat — I don’t care how good Remy is at cooking, rats are unsanitary. But I’d like to eat food that transports me to someone else’s good memory.
Special sentient sandwich from Adventure Time
If you think about it, it’s not like the sandwich itself was sentient — just the ingredients. It had no feelings but I’m not going to defend myself for wanting to eat it. BMO’s cooking instructions might have added to the craving for this sandwich but let’s not talk about that. So many meals from Adventure Time, but this is the one I’ll sell my left kidney to taste.
This bug thing from The Emperor’s New Groove
See, you can’t even judge me because why does it look so good? If you people know anywhere they sell this, better link me up. I’m counting on you.
Bonus: Jawbreakers from Ed, Edd n Eddy
This is technically not food, but you’re a liar and a dirty bitch if you didn’t want the specific jawbreaker from Ed, Edd and Eddy. Because after begging my mum for years, she bought it for me from a supermarket. It did not hit because it wasn’t as big as the one from the show mtceww.
I wanted to buy bread yesterday, and the store attendant told me it was ₦800 per loaf. ₦800 for bread? Help me o, this economy dey carry me where I no know.
Everything is so expensive now that people are struggling to eat. And this is why I’ve come to tell you about the different ways you can acquire free food in this trenches economy.
Become a beggar
If nobody gives you food, at least they’ll give you money that you can use to buy food. Why do you think there are many beggars in this country? Not all of them are homeless poor people. Some of them are middle-class people hustling for free food.
Attend church events
Church events always have food, especially Anglican churches during Harvest season. If you’re in Lagos, attend a church event on the island, and you’ll think you’re at an owambe.
Lie that you’re sick
Let your Nigerian family members or even friends hear that you’re sick. The first thing they do is buy you malaria drugs, then later stuff you with food. Whatever it is that you want, they’ll give you. Just do small shakara like you don’t want to eat.
Churches are always very excited to welcome newcomers. Whether it’s jollof rice and chicken they give or just meat pie and coke, you’ll sha get food. Although there are churches that give notepads and pens, so good luck.
Get a job at a restaurant
There’ll almost always be leftover food to take home and eat. Especially if you work at a fast food restaurant. It may not necessarily be the food you like, but you can’t be a beggar with a choice. It’s even better if you’re a server that works for a catering company. Servers always carry leftover food from events and even enjoy more than party guests.
Visit family members one by one
Family members will never let you leave their houses without at least having something to eat. But you need to be careful about which family member’s house you visit. Because you may land in the house of a relative who can only offer you chin-chin and juice.
Befriend a chef
Chefs are constantly always cooking and experimenting with food in their homes. Become friends with a chef, and always go over to their house to visit them. Just say, “Oh, I was passing, and I just said let me stop by and greet you.” They can ask you help taste their new recipe Once in a while, call them to ask how they are. The more they think you’re a good friend, the more they want to show you love the one way they know how to — by feeding you.
Attend weddings, birthdays, burials etc. — any kind of owambe, just go and answer present. All these events almost always have food. Don’t worry about not knowing the person hosting the event. Just dress up and enter with your full chest. Make sure you carry bag that’ll allow you to carry extra food back home.
Eat the sacrifice foods they leave at junctions
Have you seen what is inside the bowl of food that people leave as sacrifice to the gods? Beans, eggs, meat, rice, moi-moi, plantain etc. That’s three square meals in one. My dear, stand at a T-junction this night and collect any food you see. The gods will be fine; they’re immortal and they understand there’s sapa in the land.
The food you eat says a lot about your personality. So do the snacks. Let me tell you what your favourite pastry says about you.
Egg Roll
You don’t like stress at all. You live a very simple life surrounded by work and a few friends. You’re the type who doesn’t tell people where you live because you don’t like people in your house. When people try to make plans with you, you say you’re busy. Meanwhile, all you want to do is stay home and press your phone while watching TV.
Fish Roll
Every time you’re being ratioed on Twitter for saying one foolish thing or the other, you don’t care; you like going viral. You use an iPhone with those bunny ear phone cases. You’re always making mouth and acting tough like you can fight. But when it actually comes down to fighting, you’re nowhere to be found.
Meat Pie
Just like the meat pie, you’re filled with many great talents. There’s nothing you can’t do, and that’s why you’re a hustler. Back in school, you were the one collecting all the awards on prize-giving day. You’re the type to have one thousand and one jobs while complaining about being stressed out, and your social life is almost non-existent. You have a Twitter account with 200 followers you only use once every three months. But you post everything going on in your life on your Whatsapp status.
You’re always saying you’re for the streets. Meanwhile, you catch feelings every two market days. Your timeline is filled with relationship posts, and you stop yourself from commenting “God when” on all of them. All the genders are scum, and you don’t want to chop breakfast, but you’re tired of being the one they give the phone to when it comes to taking couple pictures.
Chicken Pie
You live a soft life. Your motto is “Any money wey I get like this, na enjoyment. No worry about my future.” By the week after payday, your money has finished, and you’re complaining about having just 1k in your account. But somehow, you still find ways to go out and chop life.
Doughnut
You’re a chronic procrastinator. The sexual tension between you and doing things at the last minute is quite strong. You tell your boss, “You’ll get it tomorrow” when you haven’t even started the work. And you’ve been saying you’ll go to the gym for the past six months, but you don’t even remember where your gym clothes are.
Cinnamon Roll
You’re a Nigerian parent. You go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up at 4 a.m. Amongst your friends, you’re the one always advising everybody and watching out for them. When you all go out, you’re the designated driver who takes care of everyone while they get stupid drunk. To be honest, you’d have preferred to stay at home, video calling your long-distance lover.
Sausage Roll
You plan and organise every second of your life. And once anything doesn’t go according to plan, you start shedding tears. You’re constantly trying to get your friends and colleagues to be organised too, but they always end up frustrating you. You like to budget all your money, and half of it goes to savings and investments. You may be broke now, but you’ll be rich in the future, and that’s all that matters. You look at all your friends spending their money now and shake your head in sadness, thinking about how they’ll beg you when you’re rich.
Imagine your favourite shows and all the food you’ll never get to eat. I’ve compiled some amazing foods from seven shows I bet you were obsessed with at some point.
Willy Wonka’s chocolate
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was a legendary movie and if you haven’t watched it, then at least you must have heard the cool millennials talk about it. Yeah, I’m one of the cool kids and the Willy Wonka Chocolate factory is the Heaven I once wanted to go to when I die. A part of me still hopes that there’s a chance.
Scooby Snacks
Scooby-Doo and Shaggy were the OG foodies of all time. They ate a bunch of food, but the one thing I wished I could jump into the TV to taste was the Scooby snack. Didn’t you also want to know why Shaggy was so crazy about dog treats?
Seeing a talking lion from a mystical closet play a father figure was one of the high points of my childhood. I really want to know what made Edmund Pevensie ready to sell his birthright for white-coated sweets from a white witch.
Direwolf bread from Game of Thrones
There wasn’t much to see about Hot Pie, the baker at the inn. But that bread? How did it make it look so perfect when I can barely draw straight lines with a ruler?
You can’t tell me you watched SpongeBob without wondering what a krabby patty tasted like. It should be everyone’s dream to live in a pineapple under the sea eating burgers made by a cranky crab.
Donkey’s famous waffles from Shrek
Imagine a talking donkey making you fluffy waffles when you’re having a bad day.
Pizza balls from Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
Beyond wanting to hitch a ride to any world where I’m definitely not Nigerian, I’d like to get a taste of the pizza balls America Chavez ate while she was trying to escape impending doom. Clearly, she had misplaced priorities but I would too if I saw tiny cheesy pepperoni pizza balls.
Eggos from Stranger Things
Eggos are basically frozen waffles from the 1980s. And for someone who knew very little about the real world before escaping her psycho father, El has been obsessed with eggos since season one of Stranger Thingsand I need to understand why.
I’m begging Nigerian youths to try something outside the box of bread or indomie and egg. I know it’s easier and faster (and cheaper) to just eat certain meals in particular ways sometimes, but once in a while, at least do something different with your food. Do you know all the many different things you can do with eggs? Let me tell you.
Noodles and egg frittata
Indomie and egg but make it fancy. If you have Indomie in your house, get up and make this meal now now. I promise you’ll come back and thank me later.
Egg and corned beef was something I discovered one day when I was looking for what to eat and I was tired of sunny side up and scrambled eggs. At that time, I just thought to add the most random thing I saw in the store: corned beef. I didn’t know it was an actual thing until I found recipes online. There’s a recipe I found that I really like.
A very popular meal that needs to be made more often. Instead of eating plantain and egg separately, why not combine them? I wish plenty of dollars upon the person that thought of this. There are two ways you can make it. You can either cook it on the stove or bake it in the oven. They both slap.
The Nigerian woman in me had to add a pasta recipe. It even tastes too good for it not to be here. It’s a very simple meal you can cook with ingredients you already have in your house.
Release yourself from the shackles of the regular bread and eggs and try something new. I like to deceive myself with this recipe by saying I’m eating healthy because it’s a “salad”.
Wait first. Before you roll your eyes and say that I’ve come again with another strange recipe, you should know that a lot of smoothies do have eggs inside. Adding eggs to themadds much needed protein to your diet. You can make this smoothie with any fruit of your choice.
This is a cocktail that is mixed by adding egg whites to gin. I promise you it doesn’t taste as weird as it sounds. When making it, if you don’t have the simple syrup, just use honey instead.
Another great cocktail made from gin and egg whites. The major difference between this one and the cocktail above is the fact that you’re adding bitters.
Instead of chicken shawarma, try this instead. If you want to make it a little healthier, don’t add mayonnaise, or replace mayo with Greek yoghurt. I try this every once in a while when I have shawarma bread in my kitchen.
The only type of salad I truly like to eat. I’ve eaten this boiled pasta salad a gazillion times and I’m still not tired of it. If you’re not trying any other thing on this list, try this one.
I know I said release yourself from the shackles of bread and egg but this one is different. This is the ultimate sandwich because there’s fried egg above and below the bread. Check out the recipe and see what I’m talking about.
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Nigerian soups are elite and amazingly diverse. Our soups deserve a place on the coat of arms — they’re that good.
According to Ifeoluwa — a food blogger who believes food is an art that shouldn’t be limited to rules — one of the best things about Nigerian food has to be how easy it is to make these staple soups. Anyone can make them.
1. Egusi soup
This is one of the easiest Nigerian soups to make, but the method differs depending on tribe.
Ingredients for three to four servings
1 cup of ground egusi
Assorted meat
Blended pepper mix (onions, red bell peppers and scotch bonnet peppers according to your tolerance)
2 -3 tablespoons of palm oil
1 onion (sliced)
Half a cup of ground crayfish
1 tablespoon of locust beans (optional)
1 cup of chopped vegetables (ugu, uziza or bitter leaf)
Salt and seasoning
Preparation
I prefer the frying method, so here’s how it’s done:
Fry the onions and pepper mix in hot palm oil. You may add the locust beans at this point as well. Also, start boiling your meat in a separate pot, so it’s ready when you need them.
Mix the ground egusi and crayfish with a small cup of water into a bowl, just enough to form a thick paste, and add to the soup base.
After frying the paste for a bit, add the boiled meat (including the stock), and allow it to cook well. Don’t forget to season to your taste.
Add your chopped vegetables of choice and allow to cook for about three minutes.
Enjoy your soup with whatever side you want. No stress.
2. Okro soup (Ila Alasepo)
Okro soup is another versatile meal that won’t have you spending time in the kitchen.
Ingredients for two servings
1 small bowl of okro
Boiled meat and stock
Blended pepper mix
2 -3 tablespoons of palm oil
1 tablespoon of locust beans (optional)
1 cup of chopped vegetables (ugu or bitter leaf)
Salt and seasoning
Preparation
My trick for ensuring my okro soup stays slimy is adding a little water when blending, or using a food processor. Here’s my process:
Fry your pepper mix in hot palm oil and add your meat, stock and any other protein of choice, to form a soup base. Season to your preference, and let it cook for about ten minutes.
Add the okro. I like processing some of the okro to ensure it’s slimy, and chopping the rest to add a crunchy texture to the soup.
Let it cook for about three minutes then include your chopped vegetables — ugu, bitter leaf or whatever you prefer.
Your soup is ready!
3. Ogbono soup
Ogbono is another Nigerian fave that can be made in many ways. But good ogbono starts from your vendor — some ogbono soups taste soapy because the seeds weren’t great. It’s important to choose trusted vendors.
Ingredients for three to four servings
Half a cup of ground ogbono
Assorted meat
Half a cup of ground crayfish
2 -3 tablespoons of palm oil
Scotch bonnet peppers
1 cup of chopped vegetables
Salt and seasoning
Preparation
This is my trick to achieving smooth, tasty ogbono:
Mix the ground ogbono and hot palm oil into a paste, and set aside. This will help dissolve the particles until it’s smooth.
Next, boil your meat and season appropriately with pepper, salt and stock cubes. Igbo Nigerians use a lot of crayfish, which gives the soup a great taste.
When properly cooked, add your ogbono paste. You might not need any more palm oil.
Pour in your chopped vegetables of choice.
You’ll notice your soup is smooth and slimy, plus you didn’t spend all day in the kitchen.
Efo riro is a Yoruba staple, most people who grew up Yoruba already know how to make.
Ingredients for two servings
One bunch of vegetables (efo shoko or efo tete)
Boiled meat and stock
De-boned panla fish
Half a cup of ground crayfish
Pepper mix
1 onion (sliced)
3-4 tablespoons of palm oil
1 tablespoon of locust beans
Salt and seasoning
Preparation
Start by blending your pepper mix into a coarse texture.
Fry the blended pepper with hot palm oil, onions and locust beans.
Add crayfish, meat, the de-boned panla fish, seasoning and some water to cook it properly. Efo riro needs very little water.
For your vegetables, use efo shoko or efo tete. You may either blanch your vegetables or wash them at least thrice, before chopping them. Once this is done, pour into your soup base.
To retain the greenish colour of your vegetables, it’s advised to cook for just two to three minutes.
5.Ewedu
Ewedu is pretty straightforward and typically paired with stew. It’s also a Yoruba staple.
Ingredients for two to three servings
One small bunch of ewedu leaves
2-3 tablespoons of ground crayfish
1 tablespoon of locust beans
Salt and seasoning
Preparation
Blend the leaves before or after cooking. I prefer blending them after.
Rinse the leaves and boil in water for a bit to make them tender. I like to cook it on low heat to ensure it stays slimy.
Once tender, take them out and blend. Don’t blend for too long so it’s not super smooth.
Transfer back to the pot (on low heat), and add the locust beans, ground crayfish and seasoning to your taste.
If you love watching K-drama like me, you’ve probably seen them eat different types of Kimchi and wanted to try it. You might have even gone to eat it at a restaurant, and even though you loved it, your bank account did not. So, you decided to learn how to make it instead because how hard can it be, right? Yes, this is about me.
Lucky for you, you don’t have to try different recipes because I’ve found the perfect one.
Ingredients for two servings:
Eight small cucumbers
Sesame oil
Sesame seeds
Green and red onions
Salt
Rice vinegar
Minced garlic
Sugar
Gochugaru, aka chilli powder
Preparation:
Go to the market, argue with your local mallam about the price of your cucumber but not too much, so you don’t get bitter ones. He’ll most likely be selling the onions too. Go to the supermarket to get sesame seeds, oil, and rice vinegar. If you’re impatient, don’t try to learn how to make that rice vinegar online. It will end in tears.
Cut up your cucumbers into thin slices in a bowl. Marinate in salt to draw out the moisture, mix well and cover it up for at least 15 minutes.
While it marinates, mince your garlic, green and red onions, and set them aside for later. While waiting, you can test your knowledge of iconic K-drama lines.
After 15 minutes, drain the bowl. Rinse the cucumber once and strain it for twenty minutes or until you’re sure it’s dry. If you have to ask yourself if it’s dry, leave it for another 10 minutes.
Add two tablespoons of rice vinegar or three cause I know you will add extra. Add two tablespoons of sugar and two tablespoons of sesame oil. Mix well.
Add your minced garlic, onions, a tablespoon of sesame seeds and three to four tablespoons of chilli pepper. Please give it a good mix.
Taste it and adjust the seasoning to your preference
Here’s the most challenging part. Refrigerate it overnight. Or you can eat it in thirty minutes. Who will judge you?
Cucumber Kimchi is a sweet and tangy meal served as a side dish and eaten with rice or meat. If you’re like me, you can eat it like that. Serve it and watch all your family members try to taste and eventually finish your food. Sorry in advance.
You’re watching a movie, and the female lead character is downing ice cream by the litre and looking like someone stole her boyfriend. Maybe someone did steal her boyfriend, but that’s not the point.
My point is that countless movie tropes have made us believe that ice cream is the pinnacle of comfort eating. But they lie.
Update your meal plan — or whatever rich people call it — with these banging comfort foods today:
Jollof rice and fish
Yes, fish. No one made it a rule for jollof rice to always be paired with chicken. Try the fantastic combo of jollof rice and grilled fish, and tell us if it doesn’t immediately transport you to those days when you used to tag along with your mum to those weekly owambes. Ice cream what?
Moi-Moi
On a lazy Saturday morning, a plate of steaming hot moi-moi (which can be paired in a number of ways) might help you temporarily forget that weekends are made in China.
Full option amala
When I say full option, I mean amala, gbegiri, ewedu and plenty obstacles. I can already feel all my problems melting away just thinking about it.
Shrimp, chicken strips, carrots — anything you can think of, just add them. If the end-product doesn’t make you happy, then your problem is bigger than Nigeria.
Honey-glazed chicken wings
Have you ever imagined what heaven tasted like? Try this with your favourite chilled drink, and you’ll want to burst out in song.
Spicy noodles
Just add pepper. Sure your nose may start running the marathon, and you’ll likely drink more water than Aproko Doctor, but your stomach will be happy. Do it.
Cake
Cake is elite, and you don’t need to limit yourself to enjoying it only on birthdays and special occasions.
Shawarma
Shawarma had to make this list because the second-best thing about elite comfort eating is that you don’t have to cook it.
Since the beginning of time, garri and groundnut have been saving the lives of broke Nigerians. While this combination bangs with ice-cold water after a long day, here are eight other things you need to try out for an even better experience with garri.
1. Nutri-c
Make it cold. If you already put milo or milk in your garri, this is something you need to try. Nutri-c made everything better in secondary school, so why not? It’s simply flavoured water and will elevate the taste of garri.
2. Ice cream
Think of it as a creamier version of garri and milk. You’ll never look back.
3. Boiled eggs
Ghanaians are already on this combo with waakye, so what’s stopping you? If you can eat garri and akara, then boiled eggs are a more proteinous option.
4. Coffee
It’s a quick snack before work if you’re too lazy to cook. Think of it as a version of cornflakes you don’t have to be worried about getting soggy.
5. Honey
For one, it’s healthier and still sweet, so you’re already one step ahead of diabetes. We have to look out for the older millennials and fit-fam people that still love to enjoy garri.
6. Sausage
It’s also the same price with groundnut if you’re buying from a mallam, 50. So you don’t have to break the bank for enjoyment. A substitute that tastes just as good as chicken suya when you’re broke.
7. Fried grasshopper
What’s the difference between this one and dried fish? Besides, it’s a cheaper option because you can catch it yourself and fry. You don’t need to spend any extra money when you’re already broke.
8. Sardine
Fish is fish. Sardine is too expensive for anyone to assume it’s SAPA making you drink garri. This is how the elite do it.
Those reminders our mother’s gave us about rice and stew at home makes more sense now. So except you’re a criminal, there’s no way you will see these seven signs without remembering to pack your bags and go home to boil rice.
1. Bottle water is the price of sardine
Anywhere you see water sold for more than ₦200 is a sign to not bother with the menu. How can God’s free gift to man be competing with the price of sardine?
2. There are bouncers at the door
Once they put hefty people to separate the broke, broque and rich, just go home and light your gas. Those restaurants know exactly who they want sitting inside, so maybe take a hint.
3. There’s Bistro or ‘La’ attached to their name
If you see any fancy addition to their name that is stressful to pronounce, don’t even try to enter. You’ll probably end up helping them with plates at the back or mopping the floor when they close.
4. There’s no Indomie on the menu
First of all, there’s nothing less than ₦10,000 then you’ve scanned every part of the menu and can’t even find Indomie to manage. You just need to fold their menu and return home.
5. Everywhere is white
If you want to roll with the big boys and forget the rice you cooked at home, just enter a restaurant painted all white and watch the Lagos big babes and influencers take over.
6. Agege bread has turned to burger
Let’s just say, if they have the guts to tamper with Agege bread, they will come for your wallet and send you to your village. My dear, go home.
7. There’s a chef flipping pan in your front
When you see the chef cooking in the middle of the restaurant, just know anybody eating there is into crime. They will call it fine dining, but it’s really broad daylight robbery because they will bill you and your ancestors.
You think you know hunger until you’re stuck in a stuffy, rickety vehicle travelling by road across Nigeria with no restaurant in sight. There’s a high chance you won’t go and meet your maker if you can get your hands on these 8 food combinations.
Number 2 has been saving lives since 19kokoro.
1. Boiled egg and bread
Just divide the bread into two equal parts and shove the eggs. If you are lucky, you can even see someone hawking butter to spread on it. Bon appetit!
2. Akara and bread
Missed breakfast because you were trying to catch the bus? Good old Akara and bread or just Akara will save you from dying of hunger. Just be patient till you get to Ore or Ibadan ehn?
3. Gala and soft drink
The classic go-to. Lacasera, Coke or Big Cola. All join. The aim is to quench thirst. Even though Gala sausage is now smaller than your middle finger, it will still save you from starvation.
4. Corn and coconut
Best eaten straight from the big cooking pot or grill. Who knows, your seat partner might even offer you some. Don’t be shy, collect and chop abeg.
Image source: Cookpad
5. Garri and fried fish
Where will you find it? Pray you have one of those old Yoruba women passengers in your vehicle. They always have one protein or the other to munch. Greet them very respectfully so they’ll remember you at the hour of hunger.
6. Zobo and buns
Soft drinks are nice, but if you taste some of those chilled Zobos after sun has dealt with you, your brain will reset. Buns, puff-puff or fishroll will not be a bad idea as well.
7. Boli and groundnut
There are some traffic jams from hell where you can even get down from the vehicle and look for those women roasting Boli. Still, there’ll be no movement. At least you have eaten. Torh.
8. Banana and groundnut
The groundnut is to add to the overall filling effect. If farting starts smelling in the bus, everyone will know who to blame sha.
We all love food, but some of us love food more than others. Here a list of ways to help you know if you love food more than the average person.
1. You comfortably eat in your dream.
You love food so much, you don’t care if it’s your village people that are feeding you in your dream. Once it’s good food, you’ll eat it.
2. You spend your last cash on food.
It is shawarma lovers that do this the most. Nothing can separate them from the love they have for shawarma.
3.You know what you are going to eat on Friday evening from Monday.
You don’t ever want to be caught hungry, so you plan what you are going to eat from Monday to Friday. Extra foodie, if you meal prep.
4.You know the menu and price list of every restaurant in Lagos
It’s remaining small for you to have the chef on speed dial. You know every meal and the days they serve them on.
5.You know all the amala spots and the name of their owners.
The waiters have started putting an appropriate prefix before your name, they serve you first even if there are 10 customers before you. You don’t even have to tell them your order, they already know it.
No recipe goes unsaved, all that’s left is for you to start your own food blog with those recipes you have.
7.Your Instagram and YouTube suggestions are mostly cooking videos.
Other people watch interesting videos to spark joy, you watch cooking videos. Both the one you can cook oh and the one you can’t cook, you watch everything.
8.Your friends come to your house to eat.
From jollof rice, to eba, to semo, you have it. Your friends can trust that you’ll always have food in your house.
9.Your stomach doesn’t have opening or closing time.
Every time is time for food for you. You don’t care about abs.
10.Your mantra is ‘‘chop life’’
The actual line is ‘‘chop life make life no chop you’’ and you are taking that mantra very seriously. We love the dedication to enjoyment.
It is one thing to like food, it is another thing to have a serious case of long-throat. If these 8 signs are manifesting in your life, my brother my sister, you are suffering from long-throat. Seek help ASAP.
1. You must not see any food picture online, you are already salivating.
Stir-fry spaghetti, grilled turkey, burger, or anything, your throat is already pulsing with desire. We pity you.
2. Anytime you have 1k in your account, the next thing you think of is food.
You don’t even think of how to better your life with that 1k. First thing is shawarma or a plate of food. Tueh.
3. You have the phone number of more than 5 food vendors.
If it’s sure for you, show us your phone book let us see.
4. You can’t count the number of restaurants you have eaten at.
How do you hope to sustain a family this way? Is this how you want to continue living?
5. If you visit someone’s house and they offer you food, you’ll collect it.
They kuku taught you, but it’s you that refused to obey your parents. Don’t you wonder why people no longer invite you to their house?
6. You are always trying out new food.
“I’m a foodie.” Haq. Sharap there my fren!
7. Your love language is food.
We been knew oh. One slice of cake, and they have won your heart. Femi, is that all you’re worth?
8. Each time you attend a party, you always want a second helping.
Why else do you think they didn’t invite you to that wedding? They know you are a consuming fire.
