Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 exes | Zikoko!
Nenye* (26) talks about her three-year relationship with her ex, the several money-related issues they had, and why that experience has turned her off dating men with less money than her.
I’m used to men ghosting me. They toast me, we enter into the talking stage, and they disappear after a few days. I’d be lying if I claimed not to know it’s because of my insistence on evaluating their financial situation.
I always ask questions like, “How much do you earn?” “Would you classify yourself as middle class?” or “What are your thoughts on sharing finances in the home?” My friends think those questions are too much for the talking stage, but I’m trying to avoid getting bitten twice.
I was young and foolish when I dated Ola*. It started in 2020, but I still think about what he put me through and wonder why I let it go on for three years.
We met in one of those online speed dating sessions that were common during the pandemic — Popular Instagram pages held live broadcasts and invited followers to come and toast themselves on live.
I worked with an NGO, and when we went remote, I was bored — so I DM’ed Ola after meeting him in one of the online sessions. We hit it off quickly and started chatting regularly. He was a graphics designer, but I wasn’t really concerned about his job or salary. Two weeks after we started talking, we became official.
I still wasn’t concerned when he didn’t get me a birthday gift two months into our relationship. I was one of those “Love doesn’t cost a thing” girls. He designed a birthday flyer for me, and that counted at the time.
After the lockdown was lifted, I developed a habit of going to his self-contained apartment after work and only returning home to sleep. I lived with a roommate, and he lived alone. After some time, I started sleeping over and going to work from his place.
On one such visit, he saw my salary come in as a credit alert and said, “You’re a rich babe o. You’re earning double my salary”. My salary was ₦100k. That was the first time we talked about salaries. Before then, I’d noticed he always told me to buy food for us on my way from work, but never gave me money for it. We also hardly went out. I didn’t ask why because I didn’t want it to be awkward, but finding out about his salary clarified things.
As a good girlfriend, it was only right for me to support him since I made more money.
I’d branch at the market on my way from work to buy foodstuff, get to his place and cook up a storm. I even regularly paid for his data subscription because he needed it for work. I even paid for a couple of his design courses.
In 2021, he decided he wanted to learn software engineering and told me he was saving up to pay for a ₦70k course.
Now, I understand how he extorted money from me. He’d tell me about something he wanted then complain about it until I felt bad enough to help him. I had no responsibilities. I’m the last born, and my parents still paid for the apartment I shared with my roommate at the time. So, it was easy for me to foolishly bring out money for what he needed.
I paid the ₦70k for that course.
Then he started policing how I spent money. If he noticed me wearing a new pair of shoes, he’d remark about how I needed to be disciplined with my spending. One time, I responded, “But I’m working. I should be able to buy what I like,” and he twisted it to seem like I didn’t want to take his corrections because I earned more than him.
Money became a sensitive issue between us. If I complained about how we hardly went on dates, he’d say I wasn’t satisfied with what he could afford. When I talked about wanting him to reciprocate with random gifts like I did, he said I was rubbing my money in his face.
By 2023, my salary had increased to ₦200k, and he’d become a freelancer, AKA no salary. The next thing he did was imply that I put him on a monthly allowance. According to him, waiting till he complained about needing help made him feel like a beggar, and no “man” wanted to feel like that.
We broke up in 2023 because he didn’t “see a future with us”, and I was heartbroken for weeks. But after a year, I can’t explain why I put up with him for so long. Maybe I was dickmatised or just foolishly in love.
Maybe it’s linked to my frontal lobe finally developing at 25, but I can never be in that position again. Since the breakup, I’ve read and heard different stories of women who earn more than their partners, and it rarely ends well.
Let people call me a gold digger; I don’t care. All I know is I don’t want to be with someone who makes less than me. It’s not like rich men are perfect, but at least, I wouldn’t have to massage someone’s fragile ego because they think the money in my account isn’t allowing me to be submissive.
I’ve tried broke love, and I’m not doing it again.
Today is the day of love and kisses, and everyone is sharing love stories like it’s testimony time.
So, we completely understand why you might be tempted to return to that person you swore off many moons ago, in hopes that you too might give your testimony next Valentine’s Day. But read these Nigerians’ stories first before you take that leap.
Derin*, 28
The first time my ex and I dated, we were together for nine months. It was great but also a toxic because he was reckless with money and always wanted to go clubbing. I was also still in love with my ex at the time. After I passed out of NYSC, we broke up. I was ready to face the real world and adulthood, and he just wanted to evade planning his life.
About a year later, we got back together. He was going to be in my city and reached out to me to reconnect. We lasted two months this time around. But nothing had changed with him. He was still unserious, and when he randomly asked me to dash him ₦200k, I decided it was time to break things off for good.
Ebuka*, 26
My ex and I dated for a year and a half, but we broke up a couple times in between. We were in our early 20s when we met, and we were just in awe of each other until we started drifting apart because of things I’m not even clear about.
After a while, she asked for a breakup. Fast forward three weeks later, she came back and was like, “So, you’re not going to talk to me?” I’ve never responded so fast in my life. I’d even been stalking her WhatsApp. We made up, but I still kept my walls up.
It went on for a year before we finally broke it off and just stuck to catching glances from afar. Then close to my birthday, she came to my house to talk and we tried to make up, but she was with someone else already.
Cynthia*, 23
I don’t think we were ever exclusive, but we saw each other for a year. I hate to admit it, but he was my first love, and I might still be a bit in love with him right now. I got tired of the non-exclusivity and tried to stand on business. It obviously didn’t work because he ghosted me in the middle of exam week.
We didn’t speak for a year after that. Then one day, he appeared with a girlfriend and I was ready to take my L and move on. But he kept talking to me, so we became friends. It started feeling like our village people might have tied our destinies together when he asked me out on a date a little while later. We have chemistry, so the date was great. Then he kissed me at the end of the night and I just remembered the hurt he put me through the first time. I’ve been running ever since. But I never run too far because he always catches up and we start talking again. The feelings rise from the ashes, and we continue fooling ourselves.
We’re currently on our fourth reconnection. I give it two more months before we start exchanging “I love you” again and I run for the hills.
Mide*, 24
We dated for five months, and it was rocky, but it was also a lot of fun. It was the first time I really liked the person I was dating, and I wanted to make it serious. But there were too many things going wrong in my life then, and I was transferring a lot of that aggression to her. I called her a day before Valentine’s Day and ended things. I swear, I’m not proud of it.
I’m not sure how long it took, but I remember missing her terribly and reaching out to her. After courting her for a while, she sent an eight-minute-long voice note, politely advising me to take the friendship route.
Favour*, 22
My ex and I dated for six months. He had an insanely huge ego. He would treat me like someone he didn’t care about, so I just decided to end it.
Then he called me after a month or two, saying I should come back and we’ll figure it out. I genuinely thought he was doing better, but he actually became worse. He’d yell at me, call me names, then he kicked me out after begging me to move in with him. I’ve never experienced such staggering levels of see-finish in my life, and I genuinely feel like he only wanted me back because he couldn’t handle the fact that I actually wanted out.
One day, I just stopped replying his texts, went back to get my things and never looked back.
Bella*, 25
I went back to them just for the sex. I couldn’t connect sexually with anyone else after the breakup, so I figured, why not?
The first time we dated was for a year, and it was good, but we had different goals. He said I was too ambitious, and he wanted someone he could control. When we got back together for the second time, I won’t even lie, it was a lot better than I expected. He was emotionally intelligent and honest. But I tapped out mentally when I realised he didn’t know what he wanted.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Daniella*, 27
My first boyfriend in uni came up with this stupid idea to tell each other who we were crushing on, so I did. He said he had a crush on my roommate, and I told him I was crushing on his friend. After that day, he started acting weird and just stopped talking to me. My friend asked him what the issue was, and he went on this tangent about how I knew he was insecure about his friend and he didn’t know how to feel about my crush. He sent me a message and ended the relationship.
I just went to my room, laid on the bathroom floor, and cried my eyes out that day. The next day, he finally spoke to me and said he couldn’t handle being away from me, but the thought of his friend and I made him really insecure. He said he’d thought about it for a while and understood better, so we got back together. We still broke up in the end because he kept talking about how he wasn’t enough for me, even though he loved me. Then he ghosted me again, and that was it.
Laolu*, 22
He was my gym trainer, and we were always extra touchy with each other, but we never dated. We fooled around for about six months and only stopped when his girlfriend came back to the country, and I started liking someone else. I had a great time with him and the sex was great.
After a while, we started meeting in random places for sex just because. He tried to make it a real relationship at some point, going on about how he loved me and my boyfriend at the time wasn’t good enough for me, but I wasn’t really interested in dating him at the time, so I paid him no mind.
Break-ups happen. Suddenly, that person you couldn’t go a day without speaking to is grouped with the other mistakes of your past. It’s a tale as old as time.
But how do you make a clean break without relapsing and torturing yourself with memories of the good ol’ days? That’s where we come in. Follow this guide carefully.
First of all, throw “closure” away
Closure shouldn’t keep you from moving on from a broken relationship. Why do you need to go back to someone who broke your heart to ask them why they broke your heart? People will argue that it’s necessary, but all it does is make your emotions more fragile than they already are. Just accept the breakup has happened, no going back.
Allow yourself to grieve
One mistake we tend to make is to hurriedly pull ourselves together. This isn’t the Olympics, dear. They’re not catching latecomers. This was someone you imagined a future with. It’s okay to mourn the loss of that future. It’s better to grieve now than to be doing “What if?” three years later.
Don’t lie to yourself
Deep down, you know you can’t be just friends with this person, so respectfully decline if they come at you with any “We can still be friends” BS. Unless you can live with that. In that case, do you, boo.
Declutter
Removing their pictures from your social media isn’t immaturity. It’s self-preservation. What would you gain from staring at loved-up pictures from the past or re-reading those sweet texts? Throw everything away.
Don’t be shy to block
You might be tempted to stalk them on social media or read meaning into their posts. Save yourself the heartache and block or hide their profiles. And by block, I mean, don’t go sending messages to check on them either. They’ll be fine. You need to be fine too.
Do things that bring you joy
This might sound cliché, but immerse yourself in the things that you enjoy. Go out and try out that hobby that’s been on your bucket list for the longest time. The more you fill your time with things you love, the less time you’ll have to mope about your love life, and the more likely you are to find a replacement.
Talk to friends
You’ll need an accountability partner for the days when you’re tempted to risk it all and call up your ex.
Never forget the possibility of disgrace
If you skip everything else, never forget the possibility of disgrace. The person who broke your heart once can break it again if you lose guard.
Ever found yourself in a space filled with your lover, exes and people who have seen you naked? It sometimes gets a little awkward which is why we’ve put together a list of icebreakers to help everyone relax into the possible orgy.
1.Do a roll call.
This roll call is important to know everyone is present, you need to be sure the room is actually filled with lovers, exes and everyone in that bracket. The sound of everyone saying “present” when you call their name is enough to break the ice and start an orgy.
2. Ask for a performance review.
The first question on the performance review should be, “Shey I fit fuck?” so everyone knows the kind of responses to give. You already know what to do to anyone who replies negatively. Send them out of the room and out of your life since they’ve decided to be liars.
3. Ask them to prepare a doc to share with your future partner since they know so much about you.
It doesn’t matter if one or more of the people in the room is your current partner; the fact that they’re your partner today doesn’t mean they’ll be your partner tomorrow. Make sure everyone has a doc ready to save you the stress of participating in another talking stage.
4. Spin the bottle and pick a lucky person to go home with.
When we say home, we mean home to your parents. Let the bottle decide who you get to spend the rest of your life with. You’re a catch and anyone the bottle lands on is going to be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you.
5. Start the orgy.
Of course, the orgy was going to happen, so why waste time when you can immediately get into it? Everyone is already in the room and the ice is already broken, lie down and tell everyone to take a position.
6. Tell them to start sharing testimonies.
This is totally different from the performance review o. Line them up and give them a mic to talk about how you changed their life. Make sure the mics and speakers are very loud so passersby can hear about how wonderful you are.
7. Challenge them to a dance-off.
Put a chair in the middle of the room and ask them to dance. The winner gets to claim you since you’re such a prize.
8. Call a therapist and turn it into group therapy.
Call a therapist so everyone can get things off their minds. Ofcourse, you’re only doing this because you are so benevolent and you want them to heal from what other people have done to them.
Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex:
David, 35
I have known her since I was in primary school, we grew up in the same area. My favourite thing about her was her pure innocence. Both of us spent a lot of time behind closed doors, gisting, playing games, talking about everyone in the family and sharing our dreams. At one point, we were told to stop closing the door (I never understood what was inferred until much later).
We never went beyond kissing and hugging when we were much older and emotions were flying. I prayed to God that if I married her, I won’t ask for anything else. We were together for a little over 15 years, but we drifted apart when her family moved to another state. There were no reliable means of communication back then, so our relationship suffered.
We still talk till today and try to support one another emotionally especially if our partners are giving us sticks. We got married to different people after a brief stint of misunderstanding and have two children apiece.
Gbemi, 24
My favourite memory of her was the last time we saw each other physically. She relocated to another country a few months after we started dating to continue her education. It became a long-distance relationship from then, so I hadn’t seen her for like a year. She flew back to Nigeria to spend a week, and during that time, we were only able to see each other once. It felt really special.
Many things make her so special, but if I’ll state one specifically, it would be her heart. She is a very loving and caring person, at times I wonder how anyone can be so selfless. She always puts others before herself! Although that is not necessarily always a good thing, it was something I admired a lot about her.
I loved how timid and shy she can be, how understanding she is. How she knows how to listen to me or proffer solutions to my problems. She has a really big heart. We broke up because we couldn’t come to a middle ground regarding certain issues. She is from a Muslim background, a Muslimah to the core and her family holds their religious values in high esteem.
My favourite thing was his heart and how easygoing he was. He always tried to make other people happy at his own expense. He was an open book, he rarely ever lied, he communicated his feeling and cried when he was sad. I never ever had to guess how he felt about me, even from when we just started.
The hard part, it’s hard to explain but the whole relationship has been long-distance and we always thought we’d be in the same space at some point, but things keep changing our plans. There were a few reoccurring issues about some things and it felt like love wasn’t enough.
We were together for 3yrs- we still talk from time to time.
Prince
My favourite thing about her is her selflessness, she’s bold and courageous, (na she dey ginger me most times). She cares a lot, if not too much and she’s very mature.
We dated for almost 3 years.it is the longest relationship I’ve been in. We met in the university, we were both in 200 level at the time. I told my mum about her, she said she prayed about it and we don’t fit. We continued dating for the rest of our time at university. I had to break up with her when she left for camp. She was so devastated because her mum had just died.
We broke up because of my parents – especially my mum. My mum hadn’t met her, yet she disliked her. We talk sometimes, a couple of months ago we connected with each other – I visited her last weekend.
Ada, 24
He was and still is a very caring and understanding person. I think he’s the ex that has understood me the most. He’s also very supportive. He’s still a part of my life( no strings attached, just friends – at least on my own end).
We dated for almost 2 years. I think my favourite thing about him was that he trusted my judgment, like how can someone just believe in you like that? Lol. He also cared for people I care about, from my family down to my friends.
Well, we broke up because I wasn’t in love with him. My conscience couldn’t help it anymore, I had to end the relationship because he was getting serious and I knew I just wasn’t into him. We still talk, he patronizes my business as well, tries to send gifts but I just had to set up a boundary to avoid wahala.
Tammy, 25
My favourite memory of him is the day he found out he was going to be a dad, it was also the day he proposed to me. Unfortunately, our child didn’t survive. He is such an amazing person, very kind and caring. He never raised his voice at me, no matter how angry he got, and I annoyed him a lot because me sef I know I’m a lot to handle.
We broke up because he cheated on me, after 2 years of being together.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: His Ex-Fiancee Felt Like The Second Wife
*Yinka, 31, and *Kayode, 32, have known each other for 13 years and have been married for months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about moving on from an ex, setting boundaries and living in different timezones.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Yinka: It was in 2005, and we were both in university. A choir was formed for a school event, and we both joined. I remember he was skinny and a little light-skinned.
Kayode: Light-skinned and skinny? Na wa oh. Tough crowd. We went to the same university, shared a couple of mutual friends. In fact, my first-ever girlfriend, Kemi*, was friends with Yinka.
Yinka: We are still friends. Before I married Kayode, I had to ask her for permission. Can you believe she even forgot she dated him? She’s married now though.
Kayode: I honestly don’t get why you had to ask for her permission. We dated a long time ago.
Yinka: Believe it or not, she was my go-to person for all things you when we started dating.
So, how did you guys move from university friends to husband and wife?
Yinka: After graduating, we followed each other on Twitter and Instagram. In November 2016, we met again after school at his ex’s wedding. He dropped me off at my destination.
Kayode: I remember us taking a picture together that day. Little did we know we’d end up together.
Yinka: Life. That day, when I got home, I realised that I couldn’t find my power bank and I buzzed him on IG to help me check his car. We never found the power bank, but it seemed to open the communication window for both of us.
Kayode: We were both in relationships back then, so it was nothing serious. Mostly me asking about job openings at the company she worked in.
Yinka: That was in 2016 and by then, I was flying solo. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship. In fact, in 2017, Kayode proposed to his girlfriend and we all congratulated them.
The plot thickens. What were you doing during that period?
Yinka: In 2018, I left the country for a job. One day, he replied my IG story with “Looks like you’re not in the country anymore.” I told him that I had japa-ed and he started talking about how he was trying the express entry programme but having problems with IELTS. I encouraged him.
Kayode: All this while, we never saw each other.
Yinka: Yes. He was still buzzing me about IELTS and blah, blah, blah. In May 2019, he asked for my number. Before giving him, I explicitly told him not to call me and he did. I was perplexed.
Do men listen?
Kayode: LMAO. Sometimes we do.
Yinka: He called me on my birthday and sang for me. I think it was from there his “Hellos” became regular. In July, we had a long conversation. Apparently, he thought I was married, not even sure why.
Then he spoke about his relationship and how it ended some months ago. I was trying to resolve things, telling him that if he’s been with someone for eight years, surely they can sort out whatever differences they have. It was a long-ass call.
Wait. Kayode was with his ex-girlfriend for 8 years? Why did things end?
Kayode: Things didn’t work out as we planned. So we had to go our separate ways.
Yinka: They didn’t go their separate ways oh.
Girl, lay this gist down, your hubby is being a hard guy.
Yinka: I’ll get to it. In August 2019, I moved to a new apartment, and he wanted me to carry him along on how that was going. We ended up talking and I finally opened up about my last relationship, which was in 2016. We got closer. I had to ask him one day if he fancied me.
Kayode: I told her I did but didn’t want to get burned, so I was taking things one step at a time.
Yinka: I reached out to Kemi and she was like, “He broke up with his fiance,” and I had to reiterate that I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Kemi said Kayode was a good guy and I was like, “We’ll see.”
Were you scared that you were a rebound?
Yinka: I’ll admit that I was sceptical that he was ready to move on. Emotions can be fickle, and I didn’t want to get caught in that mess. One evening, I asked him if he had moved on from his ex, and he said he wasn’t going back there so why stay stuck? I laid down my conditions because I wasn’t about to become the rebound girl.
Kayode: To be fair, I already had my rebound with a 3-night stand. I knew you deserved better, so you were never a rebound to me.
Aww. I am curious about the conditions you laid, Yinka.
Yinka: It was long-distance and he had talked about some issues in his previous relationship that I hoped would not be repeated. I wanted to know if he could do long-distance without copping some on the side.
All our past experiences forced us to be more intentional in our relationship.
So, for how long did you guys date before getting married?
Yinka: A year but marriage was already in the works by December 2019. It didn’t come without its issues though. We started dating in September 2019, but he said he couldn’t let his ex-fiance know he was in a relationship. Excuse me, sir, what?
Ah. Kayode, an explanation would make my life better right now.
Kayode: I didn’t handle the situation well. I didn’t know how my ex would take it since we shared mutuals with Yinka.
Yinka: I tried to be empathetic because it must have been hard to date someone for eight years, get engaged and even do an introduction only for things to end. I was like, I understand, but I really didn’t understand. I was plagued with guilt every now and then, and Kayode didn’t make it easy.
Yinka, Why did you feel guilty? It wasn’t your fault they broke up, right?
Yinka: Yes, but they could have worked things out if pride didn’t get in the way. Plus, he was with me but holding on to her.
Kayode: I didn’t want to put our relationship out there so it didn’t come off as me rubbing it in her face. In doing that, I didn’t consider Yinka’s feelings. I wasn’t holding on to my ex, I just couldn’t deal with things face-on because of the situation.
Yinka: It’s the little things. When I see your exes name saved as “*Ife luv”, it made me wonder if you were sure of who you wanted. It didn’t help that she was always putting cryptic messages on how she was jilted. I had to confront him. Are you sure you didn’t do more than you said you did?
Kayode: I didn’t intend to hurt you when I sent you that message with her name saved as “Ife luv”. It was carelessness on my part. I was also not trying to hide anything and it was an error on my part for not putting your feelings first.
Yinka: In my opinion, you should have created boundaries. You should have let her know you had moved on and allowed her to heal instead of checking in and sending her cash at will. It created the impression that you were readily available to her which was unnecessary.
Okay, guys. We need to back up. What happened with Kayode and his ex-fiance?
Yinka: So, his family had issues with some things she put up online, and it created a rift that dragged from 2017 till 2019. She said she couldn’t deal with them anymore, and he said his family was important to him. It was a mutual separation, but she always made it seem worse online.
OMO. How did she react to you guys’ engagement and marriage?
Kayode: There was no communication between us, so there was no need to know her position. We have moved on to a brighter future.
Yinka: Oga, what are you saying? Kayode that went to the UK and came back with gifts for the second wife [the ex] because the home must be kept balanced. He will come and now say she knew he was travelling.
Kayode: This was before the whole boundary issues came up.
Yinka: Babe, you’ve had boundary issues since September 2019.
Kayode: By March 2020, we settled all the boundary stuff na.
Yinka: Really? Must be nice.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Yinka: Kayode is skipping pages. He didn’t let her know he was in a relationship. He must have told her when he handed her the things he bought for her.
Kayode: I thought we had passed to when everything was settled.
Yinka: When I came to Nigeria in December 2019, I found out that oga had been playing doctor and saviour for his ex. Giving her cash and tending to her needs. I was divided. I know he is a great guy, but he didn’t know when to draw the line. And it was worse because he saw nothing wrong with it. He kept saying, “I will handle it my way,” and that hurt my feelings.
So, he never told you when he did stuff for his ex while you guys were dating?
Yinka: Nope.
Kayode: Ah babe. Yes. I even asked if it was okay to assist her.
Yinka: What about the days that you would have loved to visit?
Kayode: At least I made you know. It was naive of me because I thought you understood.
Yinka: If I understood, we wouldn’t have the back and forth of doing things your way.
Let me cut in and ask, Yinka, how did you find out he was doing these things for his ex?
Yinka: I can be the FBI.
Kayode: But I wasn’t hiding anything.
Yinka: Na so. That same December, one guy followed me on Instagram. I started probing the guy because I didn’t believe he just followed me randomly. Turns out he and Kayode had some issues when Kayode was still with his ex.
It was after I showed the guy a blog post with Kayode’s picture that the guy realised that we were together. The guy told Kayode’s ex, and she went on a rampage, cursing him. I felt guilty because I had unknowingly set the ball rolling.
I didn’t say anything malicious, I just wanted to know why the guy followed me. Anyway, Kayode ended up sending his ex money after that. He’s such a nice guy.
LMAO. This is so messy.
Yinka: It gets worse. After accusing Kayode of digging into her life using that guy, she went online to say a bunch of things. She spoke about an ex who claims to have moved on yet is still trying to probe into her life.
I was so confused because she did all these things and still collected money and gifts when Kayode gave her. I get she was hurting but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she made reference to my person.
Oh no, she didn’t!
Yinka: She insinuated that he was only with me to leave the country and called him a demon. This happened in March 2020. By then, Kayode and I were taking marriage counselling classes. I wanted him to block her on all platforms and create boundaries because she was saying a lot of things online.
Kayode: This is why I didn’t want our relationship out there. It’s because of all this unnecessary drama.
Yinka: Then why didn’t you block her? After three days of waiting for him to do something, I took matters into my own hands and messaged her.
What did she say in response?
Yinka: She asked me not to interfere with matters I know nothing about. I wasn’t about to start exchanging words with her, so I deleted her message and kept things moving. I’m too classy for all that mess. She called Kayode, and he messaged me, asking why I contacted her.
Is there any point where Kayode actually supported you?
Kayode: To be fair, I asked if you contacted her.
Yinka: Before proceeding to ask why I contacted her.
While all of this was happening, were you having second thoughts about the relationship?
Yinka: Yes. He was trying so hard to not offend her. If the separation was mutual, why was he overcompensating? She would say she couldn’t sleep and it will become a problem. I expected him to be more firm. At some point, she called me a schemer.
Ahhh.
Yinka: His parents had to get involved because I blocked Kayode when he was saying nonsense about not doing things my way.
When was this?
Yinka: In April 2020,after he called to confront me about contacting his ex. The relationship was not by force. I wasn’t desperate to be with anyone. I was doing fine by myself before he came into the picture. I didn’t need the stress. The annoying part was that she ended up being the one to block him.
Kayode: No. I blocked her. I am not a social media person so, I didn’t care what was going on there.
How did this affect the wedding plans?
Yinka: His parents had gone to see mine in February. He still sent his ex-fiance cash after the introduction. I was still confused that when he dated his ex, he had no problem putting their pictures up but with us, he had issues doing that.
OMO.
Yinka: In April, I told him to take a stance. He can’t be here and be trying to be there as well. I was afraid of being with a person who was only with me because they couldn’t be with another.
Kayode: This is my fault because I didn’t see things from her perspective back then, and it caused a lot of friction in our relationship.
Yinka: It all comes down to boundaries. She always managed to be in the picture. Interestingly, after they broke up, she’d ask about who he was dating and he’d gladly tell her and reassure her that he still loved her. He just couldn’t when we were together.
Is it because of the conditions you laid out?
Yinka: I don’t know. He was probably not serious with the others, so it was easy to say oh, I’m just fooling around because I cannot stop thinking about you. And I don’t think he understood the extent to which it hurt my feelings. I tried to understand at first. I would have ended it the moment he said I cannot let her know I’m in a relationship.
Kayode: I think I need to address this. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. I was doing what I felt was best at the time. I wasn’t hiding Yinka; I just wasn’t as open with our relationship. I was waiting for the ideal time to break it to my ex because I knew how tough it was for her.
About sending her money, there were a few projects we were doing together, and I was just fulfilling my own end of the bargain. This does not excuse what happened, and I’m truly sorry.
Yinka: I forgive you and I always want you to know when to draw the line. You cannot please everybody.
Oh wow. Tell me about being married.
Yinka: We got married in October. I came to Nigeria and stayed for a few weeks. We are learning to cope with the distance. I find it normal, but he finds it tiring.
Kayode: The distance is crazy, but it is worth it.
Yinka: I feel closer to him. We talk all the time and have dates over the phone. It’s strange, but we’ve only seen each other a few times since we started dating. Two weeks in December and when I came home for the wedding in October.
What does a typical day in this relationship look like?
Kayode: We are always on video call. We go to the office together. We practically do everything together via video calls.
Yinka: When I wake up, I call him cause it’s afternoon at his, and we talk till I get to work. I call during my lunch break to say hello. He stays up till I leave the office and then we talk for a bit before he sleeps. The plan is to have him here with me as soon as possible.
Interesting. How do you manage the sexual parts of this relationship?
Yinka: There was no sex when I came in December 2019. Although we made out.
Oh wow. A celibate relationship.
Yinka: As a person, I’m still trying to figure sex out. We still haven’t had sex. I’ve never had penetrative sex so, after the wedding, I wasn’t ready, and he wanted me to take my time. I think my mind thinks of the pain, and my muscles just clench.
Okay, guys. On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life.
Yinka: I’d say 8/10. We are in a good place, willing to grow and learn from each other and in life. I worry sometimes that something would happen to him, and I would not get to love him like I want to.
There is so much I’d love to do with him and the distance doesn’t help. He is an amazing man who admits his imperfections and is willing to be better. I just hope we have a lot of time together to explore what life has for us. He definitely has made me a better person in his own way.
Kayode: I would say 7/10. We still have a lot to explore. It’s a 7 because I feel we are doing well with the distance.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio – Love Life: We Went From Friends To Lovers To Frenemies
*Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted.
What’s the relationship here?
Caroline: We used to date.
Somto: She’s my ex.
How long did you guys date for?
Somto: We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.
Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th.
Tell me about your relationship.
Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship..
Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.
Somto, do you think you’re easily persuaded to do things you don’t want to?
I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends.
Interesting. How did the relationship end?
Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt.
Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up.
Yikes. Somto, are you with your ex now?
No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.
Caroline mentioned fights. What exactly were you guys fighting about?
Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.
Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong.
Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself.
Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.
Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.
What did you guys hate about the relationship?
Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship.
Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together.
What was your sex life like?
Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.
Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.
What did you pick up from the relationship?
Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her.
Caroline: His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed.
Are you guys still attracted to each other?
Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him.
Somto: I would assume so. Probably.
How did you guys get over the break up?
Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me.
Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.
The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived.
Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you.
Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad.
Somto: Did I? Did I really?
Caroline: You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.
If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.
Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.
When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.
Somto, would you say you dated her out of pity?
Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex.
Caroline: Wow.
So, she was a rebound?
Somto: 💀
Caroline: It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this.
Is there a chance of getting back together at all?
Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.
Somto: I don’t think so.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Depending on the kind of person you are, your relationship with your exes could be great or really toxic. This quiz will tell you how your exes feel about you. Do they think you’re the one that got away or the worst mistake they’ve ever made?
