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  • How to Not Get a 6 Pack, According to a Gym Bro Who’s Tried It All

    Every list about how to get a six-pack focuses on what to do and nothing about what we shouldn’t do. Like, should I drink hot water and lemon after a workout? Or do I anoint my stomach with Goya il to dissolve my belly fat? This article gives you the whole gist of the unhinged things you do that do nothing for your imaginary six-pack.  

    Rubbing anointing oil on your stomach 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    Please stop wasting anointing oil on the impossible. You have better chances pouring that oil from Shiloh on INEC BVAs, because all you’d do is make your stomach glow, not reduce it. 

    Drinking green or flat tummy tea five times a day 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    One of the biggest fitness scams of all time is the rise of flat tummy teas. Honestly, I blame the Kardashians. While green tea has been proven to help with digestion, there’s no proof in heaven or on earth that downing green or flat tummy teas will burn fat and give you a six-pack that’ll make The Rock jealous. Know this and know peace. 

    Saying words of affirmation in front of the mirror in the morning 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    Words of affirmations are great for building self-confidence, not a six-pack. If you like, stand in front of a mirror from now till tomorrow, those words will bounce on your stomach and say, “Back to sender, dear.” 

    Wearing waist trainers from morning to night 

    Source: Facebook

    Yes, we know your favourite Big Brother alumni have told you that wearing a waist trainer is a magical belly shrinker. 

    Source: Instagram/WhiteMoney

    But please, and please, remember that these people are just trying to secure the bag, so they’d tell you puff puff is a fat burner if the check is big enough. Do you actually believe this waist trainer thing is working for Whitemoney? 

    Kneading your stomach with a rolling pin 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    Unless you intend to pour baking powder on your stomach and fry it like chinchin, this ridiculous idea is a complete waste of your time. Who even thought of this and tried it for the first time? Wild and very, very wrong.

    RECOMMENDED: Pros and Cons of Being a Nigerian Gym Bro

    Fornicating with your personal trainer 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    We all know fornication is sweet cardio. But, sis, no amount of fornication will give you a six-pack. Fornicate with your chest and enjoy it. There’s no need to come and cap about how you’re doing it to lose weight. 

    Tattooing 6 packs on your stomach 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    Might as well just tattoo dollars on your body and wait for it to magically appear since you’re now Harry Potter or something like that. 

    Drinking hot water and lemon to melt your stomach fat 

    Source: Zikoko Memes

    I’ve been doing this one since secondary school, and still, nothing. I’m not saying warm lemon water is a bad thing. But please, be guided and know it’s also not some magical potion from the babalawo down the street. 

    ALSO READ: All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • Do These 10 Things to Avoid Abandoning Your FitFam Goals After January

    Year after year, you start January in the gym with ginger and vim to look like a Marvel avenger. And year after year, you disappear from the gym before February even starts booting. Yes, we know all of you. 

    As Zikoko’s resident gym bro, I’m here to take these shackles off your feet so you can dance squat. Follow these tips if you’re tired of living a fake gym life and ready to achieve your fitness goals for real. 

    Marry your trainer or the owner of the gym 

    Why adopt the fitfam life when you can literally marry into it. If paying money isn’t enough of a commitment to keep you in the gym, then getting married to someone who works there will motivate you to take it seriously this year. After all, a couple that gyms together can break both spiritual and physical yokes against your fitness goals. Amen? 

    Find a babalawo to bury your destiny under the gym 

    Motivation is sweet, but using juju is sweeter. Find the closest babalawo, preferably one who works out (so he can have perspective), and get him to put your destiny in a groundnut bottle you can bury at your gym. This way, the gym will be on your mind 24/7. 

    Pay for a whole year 

    Will you run away from the gym after paying for a whole year? I doubt it. Even if you don’t spend the entire year on the treadmill, that debit alert will haunt and ginger you to spend at least three months in the gym. 

    Break up with your lover today

    No amount of pre-workout, energy drinks or coffee will fuel your workout like severe heartbreak. The pain of leaving a relationship for the confusion and stress of the streets will have you at the gym at 6 a.m. squatting 220 kg with nary a belt in sight. 

    Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast, so why not speed up your own breakfast for the greater good. 

    Start a part-time job as a bouncer 

    The reason you’re not taking the gym seriously is because it’s not part of your job requirements. Didn’t we all learn how to navigate Zoom, Airtable and Notion during the pandemic? One way to commit to the gym this year is by starting a job that requires you to be there 24/7. Have you seen a bouncer without bulging muscles? Neither have I. Do with that information what you will. 

    RECOMMENDED: All the Ways to Lose Weight Without Going to the Gym

    Think of all the bed-breaking sex you’ll have 

    Research has it that people who work out last longer in bed. Yes, this is the one I knew you’d like. If you want marathon sex, you must be prepared to run a marathon on the treadmill first. You can’t reap where you didn’t sow. 

    Quit your job 

    If you’re always complaining about your job holding you back from living your best fitfam life, then it’s time to quit. Yes, you might be broke and start begging for money on the streets, but at least you’ll be consistent in the gym. My dear, a win is a win. 

    Find a house close to the gym 

    Why is your gym two buses and a donkey ride away from where you live? See, to excel at this gym thing, you need to live opposite, beside, adjacent, under or on top of a gym. It doesn’t matter what position you take in this arrangement. Please, just be close to the gym. 

    Go for deliverance

    Once again, what God cannot do does not exist. The spirit of abandoning the gym can be broken by some Goya oil and a little dry fast. Go to Shiloh if you must. 

    Just move into the gym 

    If you’ve tried everything else on this list and nothing stuck, then my dear, I believe it’s time to try something extreme. But not to worry, I have this one final tip. You can’t escape the Smith machine or dumbbells when they’re your roommates. Give this some serious thought. 

    ALSO READ: The 7 Ghetto Struggles of Resuming the Gym After Taking a Long Break 

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • 8 Nigerian Men Share The Absolute Worst Things About Working Out

    Whatever your motivations for working out: bulking up, losing weight, toning and shredding, or just plain old keeping fit, there’s one thing we can all agree on: working out is from the devil. Just thinking about working out sends my heart racing. 

    Getting your dream body is the goal, but that requires some serious work. I guess that’s why its called “working out.” 

    Don’t leave me.

    Do it for the gainsssss.

    I wanted to know what challenged other people about working out so I reached out to a few Nigerian men to know what they thought was the hardest thing about exercising.

    1. Some people are stumped even before they begin.

    “The hardest thing about working out is starting the thing at all. It gets much easier after you get past the first couple sets though.”

    working out craig robinson GIF
    1. Not everyone is an early bird. Getting up from bed to begin is a daunting task every single day.

    “Waking up early to work out. (Especially when the day before was super stressful).”

    1. For this guy, taking an unplanned break is ill-advised.

    “The motivation to start after a break can be hard to find. Consistency is key but takes a lot of discipline.”

    1. Even after you’ve remained consistent, the work doesn’t stop.

    “The hardest thing is hitting a plateau; when you stop making any progress despite being consistent. Adjusting your diet can be a pain too.”

    1. They say The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow. This doesn’t make burns and aches of working out any easier to deal with, for this person:

    “Dealing with the pain and body aches can be a put-off, especially when you’ve taken a break too early.”

    1. Our problems are built differently, as this guy shows us.

    “Getting the ladies at the gym to stop eyeing me like a piece of meat.” 

    1. Occasionally, even eating can be a chore.
    This Life Pawpaw GIF - ThisLife Pawpaw Cheii - Discover & Share GIFs

    “Exercise means nothing without the proper diet, and I find that quite tough to stick to, since I tend to forget to eat.”

    1. Some men want the gains, and they want it now:

    “For me, it’s the impatience. I want to see the progress I’m making, and I want to see it NOW. Of course, the journey to a great body is a marathon not a sprint. You just have to be patient and trust the process.

    You should read this next: 8 Surefire Tips On How To Lose Belly Fat

    Olufemi Fadahunsi

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  • Quiz: How Fit Are You?

    How many push-ups can you manage? can you climb the stairs without breathing too hard?

    This quiz knows exactly how fit you are. Take it to find out:

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 18 Situations Only People Who Failed At Fitfam Will Understand

    1. Christmas season and you realize you are 20kgs heavy

    I will start working out next year, by God’s grace.

    2. Your New Year’s resolution list on January 1

    I am ready!

    3. Your browser history for the first week of the year

    Lets lose this weight and be fit!

    4. So you drive around looking for a good gym

    Let me find the one, with plenty fat people, like me.

    5. You when you finally find a gym that you like

    This year is my year of physical fitness!

    6. Now it is time to look for workout partners

    But all your friends are lazy, and only one of them is interested.

    7. The night before your first day at the gym

    Nobody can stop me now.

    8. When you go to the gym two days in a row

    Get fit or die trying.

    9. You, after working out for one week straight

    Where are the muscles and six packs?

    10. Then someone says you have to add healthy eating

    So you mean all my exercise won’t work?

    11. Your first week of healthy eating

    My body is perfect. Flawless.

    12. After three weeks of healthy eating and working out

    My body is kind of tired.

    13. When your workout partner sees you at Chicken Republic

    See casting!

    14. Two days to the end of January

    Today is my cheat day.

    15. You, chasing your summer body and food at the same time

    The Struggle.

    16. When you realize you haven’t been to the gym in four weeks

    See ehn. I will start again before summer.

    17. When it’s May and your friends say it’s ok to give up your fitfam goals

    Fake friends.

    18. June 1 and you realize your tummy has doubled in size

    Okay, next year is another time to start afresh! Countdown!

    Tobi Smith

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