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Euphoria | Zikoko!
  • Euphoria High School in This Nigeria? It’s Not Possible!

    I started watching Euphoria in 2019 when the first season was released. Not sure how I heard about the show, but I’ve been hooked. 

    Every time I watch a new episode of the show, I can’t help but reimagine what a Nigerian version of Euphoria High School would look like: 

    1. Biology notes won’t let them have space for foolishness.

    Where’s the time going to be doing foolish things up and down when they are writing 20 pages of biology notes dictated by the teacher or drawing rats and lizards.? We’ve never seen anyone in that school write notes or do school stuff. All we see them do is drugs. 

    2. Wearing crop tops to school in Nigeria? When it’s not like you’re mad.

    Maybe it’s me that didn’t go to a fancy high school, but I personally don’t know any secondary school in Nigeria that allows its students to dress the way the kids in Euphoria High School dress. Even if your school allows it, the matron is going to get jealous of your style and fashion and force the school to introduce uniforms. Shey you dey whine me?

    3. They’ll be too busy preparing for WAEC.

    I don’t think the kids on Euphoria actually have anything they look forward to, except drugs and sex. If they were in Nigeria, they’d be too busy worrying about passing WAEC and JAMB. Aren’t those kids in SS3? Why aren’t they reading and preparing for their university entrance exams? I have so many questions. Na so so party every night. 

    4.The queer kids will never be out of the closet. 

    You can’t even be openly gay in this regressive country with its violent gay laws, so just imagine being openly gay in a Nigerian secondary school. It’s not a very comfortable imagination. Even if the school seems cool and safe and it has a bunch of cool teachers, queer kids will still not feel comfortable enough to openly display their sexuality. 

    5. One teacher will sha make life uncomfortable for them.

    Either their Intro-tech or French teachers would find ways to make life uncomfortable for them. I don’t know what’s with either subject that comes with wickedness. Even if all the other teachers in the school are nice and accommodating of their excesses, their Intro-tech teachers must do anyhow. 

    6. Nobody’s mummy will let them go out to party after 5 pm.

    If you like, go out to a party after 5 pm with friends from your school, just make sure you get their parents to adopt you and you live the rest of your life with them since you have grown wings and now want to kill your innocent mum.

    “Better go and party with your books in your room”

     

    7. They would simply expel Nate at some point.

    They’ll have simply asked Nate to carry his bags and never look back since he’s nothing but a menace. The only unfortunate thing is they’d have asked Fez to go home with him as well. Nigerian secondary schools don’t have time for nonsense.

  • TV Shows You Shouldn’t Watch with Your Parents

    No matter how old we get, there’s no way around the weird feeling that comes with seeing a random sex scene pop up while we’re watching a TV show with our parents. It is at that exact moment we remember we haven’t checked Facebook since 2015 or that we need to check the weather in San Francisco or Germany. While we might want to bond with our parents over some of our favorite shows and characters, some shows were never meant for family bonding. To avoid awkward looks and embarrassing questions, here are the shows you can watch with everyone else, but never with your parents. 

    1. Euphoria, HBO

    This show is wild AF! Is this what Gen Zs are doing in secondary school? What happened to extra moral classes for WAEC and JAMB? What happened to education? Sometimes we forget these characters are in school because all they do is party, fornicate and do hard drugs. If you decide to watch this show with your parents, be prepared to explain to them why random penises keep popping up every five seconds. Goodluck. 

    2. The Boys, Amazon 

    Imagine if Clark Kent was a sadistic villain masquerading as a hero and Gal Gadot Wonder Woman could actually act. Well, you’d totally get what The Boys is about. The show follows a group of superheroes who pretend to do cool shit, but half the time, they’re messing up their city with the help of corrupt politicians and capitalists. The violence on this show is on another level. Before you sneeze, someone has lost their arm and head. Decapitation might be your thing, but we doubt mummy and daddy will find it normal. 

    3. Sex Education, Netflix 

    Raise your hand if your parents spoke to you about sex when you were growing up. You would think after shielding the joys and hot tears associated with fornication from us, our parents would support us watching a show like this. Let me break it to you, no matter how old you get, your parents will still think sex is bad for you. So if you’re thinking of watching this show with your family, read the title and receive small sense. 

    4. Insecure, HBO

    Yes, we know it’s funny. Yes, we know it has the best soundtrack on television. Yes, we know it’s cool to join Twitter in the arguments surrounding #TeamMolly or #TeamIssa. Finally, yes, you should watch this show alone without a parent in sight. Issa Rae’s show might be one of the funniest we’ve seen, but omo, black people who live in LA and work cool jobs do usually do the sex thing too. You might be laughing one minute and the next thing you know, two or three people are fornicating to a seductive R&B record. There’s also that song about a certain body part being broken. Brethren, don’t let your laughter end in tears. 

    5. Big Mouth, Netflix 

    Not all animated shows are for children and to your parents, you’re still a child. We can all attest to how confusing puberty was, which makes it pretty easy to connect to the kids on this show, even though they have heads as big as watermelons. While it might look like a harmless show about kids going through this weird transition to adulthood, we strongly advise that you watch this alone. Your parents might watch this and start asking questions about your experience with puberty and honey, no one wants to talk about that now. That ship has sailed. 

    6. Spartacus, STARZ

    It was inappropriate then, it is inappropriate now. A word is enough for the wise.

    7. Bridgerton, Netflix

    Thanks to this show, we will never look at a spoon the same way again. While some of us were busy celebrating the real reason for the season in December 2020, the rest of the world was hooked on this show. Think of it as a Mills & Boon novel brought to life, but with black people and Ariana Grande. If you didn’t watch it when it came out, we strongly advise that if you want to watch it now, you do it alone. The Duke might be burning for Daphne, but best believe your house will be too hot for you if your parents catch you watching this show. 

    8. Family Guy, FOX

    We’ve warned you before about animated content. These shows are not always cute and sweet, some are just downright chaotic and weird. But If you still want to venture into the evil forest of animation, who are we to stop you? Just don’t come to our office when you’re homeless. 

    9. Game of Thrones, HBO 

    Even if your parents move past the graphic nudity and violence, there’s still a high chance that they’ll hate you for making them watch the show after they see the last season. Don’t put them through that stress abeg, Nigeria has enough wahaleux on its own 

    10. P – Valley, STARZ

    Let’s start by informing you that the “P” in the title of this show does not stand for “Plantain” or “PuffPuff”. Now that we have that covered, we sincerely doubt you’d want to watch a show about strippers with your parents. Are you okay? Is it crack? If the title and the stripper on the cover with her legs wide open don’t instill the fear of God in you, then we don’t know how we can help you again.