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Read This If You Want to Hack House Hunting In Lagos

Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

But if you think you’ve seen the worst of Lagos, I’m here to tell you that you haven’t if you’ve never gone house hunting in Lagos.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

We’ve got you.
Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

At the end of the day, one must give way for the other.
So brace yourself. House hunting in Lagos doesn’t respect your pocket or feelings. If you’re still in the comfort of your parents’ house, now might be the time to reconsider this your move. If you have strong head, carry on.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

You might think if you are patient and thorough enough, you might find the place of your dreams. You won’t.

You’re only going to end up getting the least horrible of the thousand and one listings you’ll check out.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Find one or two reliable agents, preferably agents who come with a referral from someone you know and pay a one time fee.
Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Pick out the least disgusting looking houses and set up viewings with the agents.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

If this house looks like this on the website…
…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You’d think this would go without saying but these Lagos landlords lie more than the devil himself and they’ll try and deceive you. Maybe they haven’t connected the light or they’ve been meaning to put a borehole or they haven’t painted. Once you pay, daizzit. Two months on and you’ll be there begging the landlord to put toilet in your bathroom.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

They’ll say whatever it takes to get you to pay for that house. If the road is bad, Ambode is coming to fix it next week. No light in the area? They’ve already bought new transformer your agent saw it with his own two eyes.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t let anyone come and wake you up in the middle of the night with eviction notice, after you’ve supposedly paid rent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

They’ll tell you that Lagos state supplies the house with water and its reliable. Don’t be deceived, you’ll only end up buying water from mallams until you leave that house.
Ask about the old tenants.

Nothing beats getting to rent a brand new house in Lagos but the odds are slim. So if you get a house that has been lived in, first thing to do is ask about the tenants who lived in the house before. If there is no prepaid meter, make sure they’ve not left NEPA bill gbese for you to pay.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

September 19, 2018

General

apartments, eko, house hunting, Lagos, living in Lagos, Living in Nigeria, moving out
Here’s How You’ll Know You’ve Had Enough Of Lagos

Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.

So if you live in Lagos and can still take out time to read this, you deserve a lot of accolades.
Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

Whichever it is, here are some ways to know you have really had enough of this city.
If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

See, there’s levels to traffic in Lagos.
While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

Accents are the only things distributed free of charge in this city.
But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

In summary, overpriced food is a trademark
If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

Even you will be flooded. This is when Lagos island turns into an actual island
Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

..In this Lagos if you want to enjoy, you just have to blow o
And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

Let’s just thank God we are alive
If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

If you see them, Just run.
We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

But the real question is, why are you in Lagos? Just take a moment and ask yourself why you choose to continue suffering?

Eniola

September 7, 2018

General

Ambode, danfo, eko, eko o ni baje, fashola, Lagos, Lagosians, living in Lagos, Nigeria, SARZ, Traffic, Yellow buses
These Are The Places That Make Lagos, Lagos

There are certain things which define Lagos we’ve all come to love and accept. There are its yellow buses and taxis, its traffic and the fact that it never sleeps. Asides these things, these places, and monuments have also come to define Lagos in such a way that Lagos could never be Lagos without them.
National Theatre

Show a picture of the national theatre to someone who has never been to Lagos and they’ll recognize it. The theatre is full of kiosks and bars that come alive in the night time.
New Afrikan Shrine

The Shrine is a cultural and music hub located in central Ikeja. People who don’t want you to enjoy Lagos will try to convince you it’s for bad gang only. Don’t listen to them, just show them this picture of Ambode and the President of France at Shrine.
National Stadium

The National Stadium is so much more than a bus stop at Surulere it’s one of the places that makes Lagos truly Lagos and the birthplace of some of Nigeria’s greatest sportsmen.
Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge

Even though it was only just commissioned in 2013, the link bridge has become almost synonymous with Lagos. Any new age Nollywood movie released after 2013 has a shot of the bridge in it. And any Lagosian trying to show off their Lagos to non-Lagosian always starts off with showing them a picture of the bridge.
Balogun Market

If you’ve never been to Balogun market please indicate so that we can seize your Lagos passport. Balogun is your go-to-market for everything you need from Ankara to Jeans from Mandilas.
Banana Island

The Narnia of Lagos, where all the big girls and big boys of Lagos aspire to live in. We’ve lost count of how many Nigerian artists have mentioned it in their songs.
Apapa Amusement Park

If you grew up in Lagos then we are pretty sure Apapa Amusement Park was one of the highlights of your childhood. The park was renovated in 2016 so now is a great time to go and relive your childhood.
Mr. Biggs

Although Mr. Biggs is now scattered across the country, it all started here in Lagos. Who remembers begging their parents to stop at Mr. Biggs after church on Sunday to buy their meat pie?
Mile 12 Market

Mile 12 is the number one market to buy foodstuff from. If you are planning an owambe and need to buy a basket of tomatoes just head straight to Mile 12. Mile 12 is where the market in your neighborhood goes to ‘buy market’.
Tafewa Balewa Square

Anywhere you see a picture of these four white horses you’d know its TBS in Lagos.
Did we leave anywhere out?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 20, 2018

General

apapa amusement park, eko, eko o ni baje, Lagos, mr biggs, new afrika shrine, shrine, stadium, TBS
All The Types Of People You Must Jam In Lagos Traffic

As if Lagos traffic is not stressful enough on its own, you must always run into these characters who take it upon themselves to just frustrate your life.
The ones who take it upon themselves to become traffic coordinators.

Kuku go and join LASTMA now.
The ones who are always begging to change lane once they see small space.

Oga face your front and stay in your lane.
The ones who want to try and use their wealth to frustrate you but your God is bigger than them.

Wo madam Rolls Royce please pass in front of me. It’s not me that’ll scratch your car and carry gbese.
What of the ones that must buy something from every hawker that should pass.

Oga but what are you buying vuvuzela for now. You dey go Russia?
You must jam one ‘big man’ that will come and use siren to clear road for himself and cause confusion.

Na wa o. You can’t exercise small patience.
The danfo drivers that are always trying to help you remove your side mirror.

You better look well, if you remove my glass I’ll seize your bus.
Then there are the ones who will roll down their windows and start swearing for everybody’s mother.

Please o better go and face Ambode.
Those ones that will just be sleeping like they are in their bedroom.

Please let me pass, you no sleep for night?
There are the ones who always come prepared to die in the traffic.

Food? Check. Neck pillow? Check. Series? Check. I’ll kill this Lagos before it kills me.
The ones that will get down from their car to go and do God knows what and then cause even more traffic.

Are you a baby? you can’t sit in one place abi?
The annoying ones that’ll turn their horns into toy.

Am I a witch? Do you think I can fly? You better calm down there.
Then there are the ones that must sha bash someone’s car.

Are you blind? Abi you were sleeping? Last last we sha can’t blame any of them. It’s this Lagos that is trying to kill us.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

June 22, 2018

Oldies

eko, eko o ni baje, Lagos, Lagos Traffic
Apparently, Lagos Is One Of The Worst Cities In the World

The Economist Intelligence Unit released a Global Liveability Report yesterday, and surprise-surprise, our beloved Lagos City ranked among the 5 WORST cities to live in : 138th of 140 countries ranked.
So apparently, these people think our one and only Lagos is not all that.

In 2015, Lagos ranked 4th worst city to live in: 137th of 140 cities surveyed.
The overall Liveability Score for Lagos is 36 of 100, with the least scores coming from the Stability Category.

High crime rates as well as civil unrest are everyday realities in Lagos.
The city’s ranking implies that most aspects of living are terribly constricted and not acceptable in global standards.

Lagos is the smallest state in Nigeria, covering 0.4% of the country’s territorial landscape.
Education and Healthcare in Lagos had miserable figures -well below average, with war-torn Tripoli (Libya) actually scoring higher.

A 2010 report revealed that 45.2% of girls in a Lagos slum have never attended school.
The continuing urbanization of Lagos is gradually turning it into a Mega City, and the city’s expansion is estimated to continue over the next decade.

Lagos is the major hub for the head-quarters of numerous global and national companies, and accounts for over 60% of industrial activities in Nigeria.
Epileptic power supply and an exploding population of about 22 million- leading to terrible traffic snarls- are among the city’s biggest challenges.

How to avoid traffic in Lagos:
1) Drive only between 11pm and 4am
2) Buy helicopter
3) Become governor
4) Be a witch
5) Don't come to Lagos.
— Chidi Okereke (@Chydee) July 25, 2014

Although the report wrongly places the bulk of Lagos’ challenges on the threat of Boko Haram, conflict has seen more migration to Lagos from the North.

The terrorist group’s activities were restricted to the North-Eastern parts of the country, and Lagos was never a red-zone.
The EIU report ranked Lagos just above war-torn Tripoli (Libya).

Damascus, Syria is currently ranked the worst city to live in.
Lagos scored highest in the Culture and Environment Category, although some parts of the city are extremely dirty and face serious environmental threats.

Careless waste disposal in slums and ‘urban’ areas are dangerously on the rise.
But it’s not all gloom in Lagos. The past 12 months have seen massive reconstruction of roads and bridges as well as the beefing-up of security . A light -rail project is in place and the Eko Atlantic City is nearing completion.

An artist’s impression of what Marina will will look like when the light-rail project is completed.

Shola

August 22, 2016

Gist

eko, lagos state, the economist, Worst

Read This If You Want to Hack House Hunting In Lagos

Everything about living in Lagos is an extreme sport.

Asides finding a place that’s close to work, or has small light, we’ve figured out what the hardest things about house hunting in Lagos are and how to hack them.

Everyone starts house hunting in Lagos with a ‘strict’ budget and lofty expectations.

First hack is to lower your expectations.

Any agent that wants to collect money from you per house you view is a scammer.

Because all agents do is lie and waste your time, also look through property listing sites.

Remember I told you to lower your expectations? Oya take them even lower because those listings you found on tolet.ng and co are going to look nothing like the pictures you saw on the website.

…this is probably what it really looks like.

If you find a place that isn’t a hundred percent complete, please don’t drop any money.

You know the only other person on earth who lies more than landlords? Agents.

Before you pay your rent, you should try and meet the landlord, especially if you’ve been dealing exclusively with the agent.

Don’t move into a house without a borehole.

Ask about the old tenants.

If you survive house hunting in Lagos, you can survive it anywhere really. And also, what tips have we left out?

Here’s How You’ll Know You’ve Had Enough Of Lagos

Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.

Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

These Are The Places That Make Lagos, Lagos

National Theatre

New Afrikan Shrine

National Stadium

Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge

Balogun Market

Banana Island

Apapa Amusement Park

Mr. Biggs

Mile 12 Market

Tafewa Balewa Square

Did we leave anywhere out?

All The Types Of People You Must Jam In Lagos Traffic

The ones who take it upon themselves to become traffic coordinators.

The ones who are always begging to change lane once they see small space.

The ones who want to try and use their wealth to frustrate you but your God is bigger than them.

What of the ones that must buy something from every hawker that should pass.

You must jam one ‘big man’ that will come and use siren to clear road for himself and cause confusion.

The danfo drivers that are always trying to help you remove your side mirror.

Then there are the ones who will roll down their windows and start swearing for everybody’s mother.

Those ones that will just be sleeping like they are in their bedroom.

There are the ones who always come prepared to die in the traffic.

The ones that will get down from their car to go and do God knows what and then cause even more traffic.

The annoying ones that’ll turn their horns into toy.

Then there are the ones that must sha bash someone’s car.

Apparently, Lagos Is One Of The Worst Cities In the World

So apparently, these people think our one and only Lagos is not all that.

The overall Liveability Score for Lagos is 36 of 100, with the least scores coming from the Stability Category.

The city’s ranking implies that most aspects of living are terribly constricted and not acceptable in global standards.

Education and Healthcare in Lagos had miserable figures -well below average, with war-torn Tripoli (Libya) actually scoring higher.

The continuing urbanization of Lagos is gradually turning it into a Mega City, and the city’s expansion is estimated to continue over the next decade.

Epileptic power supply and an exploding population of about 22 million- leading to terrible traffic snarls- are among the city’s biggest challenges.

Although the report wrongly places the bulk of Lagos’ challenges on the threat of Boko Haram, conflict has seen more migration to Lagos from the North.

The EIU report ranked Lagos just above war-torn Tripoli (Libya).

Lagos scored highest in the Culture and Environment Category, although some parts of the city are extremely dirty and face serious environmental threats.

But it’s not all gloom in Lagos. The past 12 months have seen massive reconstruction of roads and bridges as well as the beefing-up of security . A light -rail project is in place and the Eko Atlantic City is nearing completion.