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“I’ll never drink again.” If only I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that. You’ve said it countless times, only to find yourself drinking the next Friday. You’ve probably said it nothing less than five times, for various reasons. Let’s run through all the times you said “never again”, shall we?
1. When you woke up with a hangover from hellfire
Especially when the headache is like two large rocks squeezing your brain and light seems like punishment to you.
2. When you texted your ex
This one is the worst. You’ll wake up in the morning and see that you’ve told your ex who broke your heart three years ago that you miss them. You’ll swear never to drink again. Look at yourself now.
These ones will laugh hysterically at everything, which is great because they’re really fun to hang out with.
2) Sad Drunk
These ones will start crying about anything and everything. Tell them that there’s no more food and they’ll start crying. Tell them to go home because the party is over and they’ll start crying.
3) Angry Drunk
These ones turn into Hulk Hogan when the alcohol kicks in. It’s like “Party Scatter” starts playing on a loop in their heads. Any small thing that happens, they’ll want to fight.
5) Chatty Drunk
They will say everything they can to anybody that will listen. Try your best to escape from them because chances are they will hold you down and start telling you weirdly personal stuff.
5) Sleepy Drunk
Once this happens, don’t bother trying to wake them up because it won’t work. For the next couple of hours, they’ll be dead to the world.
6) Horny Drunk
If you’re ever bothered by a Horny Drunk, wipe them slap to return them to factory settings.
It’s no secret that drugs and alcohol affect the human body and mind in many different ways, so it’s expected that having sex under the influence would be a vastly different experience from having sex sober.
So, I decided to ask a bunch of Nigerians to share what sex is like when they decide to get high, drunk or, in most cases, both beforehand. The answers were all very intriguing.
N.B:Do not use this article as an excuse to go drug-hopping. Be safe and responsible.
Ada, 30/Female/Bisexual
It was a night out in Lagos. I took my friend’s babe with me, and we went for pre-drinks at my fuck buddy’s house. From there, we all went to a club and ended up smoking weed laced with molly.
That night, the three of us got back to his place and just started fucking. Then he invited another babe over, and it turned into a mad foursome. It was great. Everyone there made me come at least once.
The outcome of that insane experience wasn’t as great. I got tested when I returned to London and found out that I had contracted chlamydia and gonorrhoea. Luckily for me, both are treatable.
John, 25/Male/Gay
I was very apprehensive about getting high, but all my friends swore that it would make sex so much better. I decided to try it with a guy I really liked, but it ended up being a horrifyingly embarrassing experience.
I had what I now know is called a bad trip. The weed made me very paranoid. I was convinced that I had shit myself and that made me start crying. This dude had to baby me until I eventually fell asleep.
He was really sweet about the whole thing, but the shame didn’t allow me to see him again. I’ve also sworn to never get high. My friends say it was just one bad experience, but that one is their own business.
Esther, 22/Female/Bisexual
I take weed with wine. It’s not a regular thing for me, but it probably should be because sex is always incredible. I’m way more sensitive than I am during sober sex.
Foreplay is so much more intense, and my orgasms feel like my soul is leaving my body. With sober sex, it’s just my legs that shake, but when I’m high, my entire body vibrates.
I also can’t ride for long when I’m sober, but I don’t get tired when I’m high. I don’t even recognise myself sometimes. It’s like it turns up my sexiness from 100 to 1000. Amazing.
Tolu, 27/Male/Straight
This babe I was hooking up with brought a strain of weed called Marley for us to try. The thing is, sex with her was already pretty great, but this day was on a totally different level.
The intensity was out of this world. We kept on mumbling shit to each other all through. It was as if we were possessed. It’s easily one of the top three sexual experiences of my entire life.
Sarah, 20/Female/Pansexual
I smoke weed before and during sex. I also drink beer right in the middle of sex. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I get dehydrated a lot, so I always have to stop for a drink.
The sex is usually mind-blowing when I’m high, so it’s now a regular thing. I almost cannot have sex if I’m not high. I get distracted so easily during sober sex. Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I tried it.
Folarin, 26/Male/Straight
I have two friends that I typically get high with, and one day they came over with roofies. While we were smoking, they wanted to put the pills in my mouth and I let them.
It was mostly a blur, but we ended up having a threesome. Even though I was technically cheating on my girlfriend, it was still fucking great. One of the babes squirted so much I had to dump my bedsheet.
Tolani, 24/Female/Bisexual
I’ve been smoking weed regularly for a couple of years now, so I’d never hook up with someone I couldn’t smoke with before and after sex. That’s just one of my rules.
That being said, my most amazing experience was actually molly-induced. It was like an out-of-body experience. The molly kicked in for both of us at the same time, and that just made it way more passionate.
We were both on such a high that we cried after. That was probably the best sexual experience of my life, and I’ll never forget it. Haven’t done it since then though.
One year ago, we left Nigeria for an 80-day adventure across West Africa. Something is coming. Unshared stories. New perspectives. Limited series. 10 episodes.
Alcoholics, this one is for you. We all have different tolerance levels for booze but one thing is certain, your body will let you know when you’ve had one cup too many.
Here are a few ways you can just tell that you’re drunk and it is time to put down the bottle.
You start feeling generous
Once you start feeling generous and offering to settle everybody’s bill, you know you’re getting there. Even when you’ll be left with 1k in your account after paying because in this life, problem no dey finish. Try dey enjoy.
You tell everybody you love them
The next stage is telling everybody you love them. One minute you’re drinking stout, the next you’re telling your friend: “Bro I love you so much. If you ever need me I’ll come through bro.”
You suddenly feel like dancing
For context, you can’t dance. But at the moment you’re feeling like Kaffy so you let lose. Hint: You’re NOT Kaffy.
You start missing your ex
Stage 3 is when you start thinking about your ex that did you dirty and missing them. No matter what you do, don’t text your ex.
The vodka stops tasting bitter
When you’re downing the bottle of vodka but you’re only tasting the Apple flavour, you know irretrievably gone.
Everything na double double
When you start seeing everything in twos, it is time to stop drinking.
You start talking to yourself in the mirror
Do you ever go to the restroom to pee and you see yourself in the mirror and realise how drunk you are?
You’ll now tell yourself “Guy you don higghhhh.”
You stop feeling your face
Once you touch your face twice and it’s not there, you’ve reached the point of no return
Lastly, remember never to drink and drive. If you’re feeling a bit wavy, leave your car and take a taxi instead.
At some point in our lives, we have had way too much alcohol and the memory associated with the experience is almost never pleasant. 6 Nigerians share their worst drinking experience with Zikoko.
Emem, 21/ Female
I hate black bullet but found myself on the 6th can after hanging out with some friends all day. It was a mini party because all my friends were gathered and we were all drinking. I was active for the most part of the day so I didn’t feel it just yet. Next thing I know, I’m breaking up with my boyfriend, it was a long time coming anyway. My emotions were everywhere before I knew it, I am chugging whiskey like it’s water with a strange girl I just met. I started crying, I called my brother to come and get me. Once I was home, I puked my guts everywhere, finally made it to the bathroom only to blackout. I was sick for a week.
Gloria, 22/ Female
In my 300 level, I went to a birthday party with some friends. We were drinking beer before we got to the party by the time we got there, we were so drunk. I remember drinking everything in sight from vodka to rum to palm wine, even played a game and won a bottle of vodka which I refused to share with anyone. I drank about half of the bottle before deciding to go home. I am not sure how I got home that day. By morning, I felt like a truck ran over me. My throat hurt because I had already thrown up thrice. My room smelt of vomit and bad decisions. The new sneakers that I saved over a month to buy were covered in vomit. I promised myself never to drink again but guess who is taking alcohol while having this interview?
Uwana, 19/ Female
It was the end of a semester and we were having a class party at someone’s house when a friend (now former friend) came up to me and asked why I wasn’t partying. When told him I didn’t feel like it plus everyone was paired up he gave me a drink. I didn’t think too much about it because he was my friend. The drink tasted so good that I asked for another one. The bastard really got me another glass. Before you know it, I was dancing about the place, went up to a guy that I was doing stuff with and told him I was finally ready to have sex. He suspected something was off and asked me for his name. Apparently, I couldn’t remember it but I kept insisting we have sex. He knew I was drunk and got me to lie down and sleep. I woke up with no memories from that night. Turns out my drink was laced with something. Learnt never to collect drinks from people.
Leroy, 25/ Male
I have always believed that I could hold my liquor, until one faithful day I played Truth or Dare. By the way, Truth or dare is a perverted game that was originated by the devil to make our wieners hard and get us to drown in alcohol. So, there I was passing up on truths and dare, drinking like a bottomless pit. By the time I had gone through an entire bottle, I started acting out, doing a bunch of dares. By the time the game was over, I had lost my innocence. I missed a work deadline because of the morning after sleep than spanned into the night. That ended my days of truth and dare. Word of advice, avoid truth and dare or else you might end up getting dry-humped by another dude, or have a girl come at you in a few weeks saying you are about to become a dad.
Mimah, 24/ Female
In my 100 level, I went on a date with this guy. I had 7 bottles of Smirnoff ice so I was very drunk. We decided to go home. I begged him to take me home since his house was just 3 minutes away from mine. This guy took me to his house, took off my clothes, helped me take a shower, wore his shirt on me then raped me. I remember protesting that I just wanted to go home but oga just kept at it. At some point, I lost consciousness. Even till now, the memories are in flashes. I know I fucked up by having too much to drink so now I just take very little alcohol.
Tolu, 25/ Male
I am a lightweight and I know this so I stay away from heavy alcohol but that day, I was celebrating a promotion with my guys, I was feeling reckless and happy so I drank. My worst mistake was mixing drinks. By the time the evening was done, I was so drunk that I couldn’t feel anything. I blacked out. When I woke up, my friends told me that I threw up everywhere, tried to solicit the services of a sex worker, tried to drive myself home, and confessed to sleeping with my guy’s ex-girlfriend when they were still together. I have no memories of that night but they took pictures and have the videos of me acting out.
Make no mistakes, alcohol will fuck you up. If you’ve ever gotten blackout drunk before, you know it’s a journey of nonstop drinking and bad decisions. And because it’s the weekend again, we know you’re about to let yourself down and do a little drinking. How about we prepare you for what you’re about to go through by walking you through the process. (I mean you’re the expert drinker, but that doesn’t matter right now.)
“I’m not drunk.”
Nobody has to ask you if you’re drunk. You’ll just start telling your friends “I’m not drunk.” That means your body is ready to take the journey. Welcome.
“Am I shouting?”
Everyone becomes funny. And you’re laughing a lot. You realise you’re probably very loud with everything you’re doing, so you ask the person you’re the most comfortable with, “Am i shouting?”
The Quiet Stage
You become quiet because you don’t want to embarrass your family name in public. This is only after you realise you’ve just said something stupid but nobody heard. Now it’s time to control yourself.
Dancing to everything.
You hear “Won t’ese le bo, yahoo ni babalawo” and you’re on your feet dancing. You can’t dance and you know you look stupid but it feels good. At this stage, you’ve lost complete control. Alcohol has now taken over.
Seeing Double
Now this girl you’re talking to is looking like two different individuals, and you can’t hear shit she’s saying. It’s like your whole existence just hit the whoa.
Can’t Walk or Stand Straight
When you have to hold a railing or the wall to walk or stand, you know you’re gone. In your head it’s like, “Why did I take that last shot?”
“Grfrvtgbjbgvdcfvhg”
This is the part you don’t remember – usually a text or a tweet.
Calling your ex.
You have some stuff to get off your chest (and you need to tell her you miss her). Now’s a perfect time.
Lying down to let the tide pass.
You think you’re feeling a bit more settled after the call to your ex and you want to rest a bit before you continue the party.
Waking up inside a gutter
Cock-a-doodle-do sir! Get up from outside the gutter (or other awkward place you’ve ended up in, including the parking lot.) What happened? Nobody knows. Just dust your shame and be going home.
