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As if all the shege we’ve seen in 2023 isn’t enough, Detty December just isn’t “dettying” as it used to. The cost of everything has tripled, and it’s starting to look like home is where the only fun we can afford is.
But if you’re determined to have a lit December regardless, and still plan to attend music shows and be outside, you should arm yourself with the knowledge of what it would cost you.
SPINALL – Party Of Your Dreams 2023
When: December 17, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. the next day.
What to expect: Five-hour high-energy live performance from DJ Spinall at the Federal Palace Hotel and Casino, Lagos.
Budget: Free. But if you live on the mainland, consider your cab fare.
Flytime Fest (Rythym Unplugged)
When: December 21, 6 p.m. to 3.30 a.m. the next day
What to expect: Performances from some of our favourite names in Afrobeats at the Eko Convention Centre, Eko Hotels and Suites, Lagos.
Budget: Only VIP tickets are available, and each costs ₦156,100.
Rooftop Karaoke
When: December 21, 6 to 11 p.m.
What to expect: A chance to pretend like you know the lyrics to your favourite song and sing offkey. Location is the Boardroom Apartments, Prince Samuel Adedoyin St, Ikate, Lekki, Lagos.
Budget: Free, but you’ll need to register.
NATIVELAND Festival
When: December 22, 3 p.m. to 2 a.m. the next day
What to expect: An all-day party at NATIVE’s annual music festival, happening at Sol Beach, Lagos.
Budget: Ticket prices start at ₦20k for students and go as high as ₦150k for the VIP experience.
Palmwine Music Festival
When: December 23, 2 p.m. till midnight.
What to expect: A live music experience with Show Dem Camp (SDC), and of course, palmwine. Venue is the Muri Okunola Park, Lagos.
Budget: Students can experience the festival with ₦21,100, but other ticket classes range from ₦31,600 to ₦73,600. If you identify as a “Superfan”, be ready to shell out ₦157,600.
Flytime Fest x Kizz Daniel
When: December 23, 6 p.m. to 1 a.m. the next day.
What to expect: A night with the “Buga” and “My G” crooner at the Eko Convention Center. You might want to tag your Nigerian aunty along. Rumour has it that he’s popular with that age group.
Budget: Only VIP tickets are available now, and you’ll need to shell out ₦104,100 to secure one.
Otaku Connect ‘23 Lagos
When: December 23, 10 a.m.
What to expect: Otaku Connect ‘23 is an anime convention, so prepare to meet anime enthusiasts and cosplayers. It’s billed to happen at the Rango Rooftop Lounge, Lagos.
Budget: Tickets start from ₦3,500.
Afropiano Beach Festival
When: December 23, 1 p.m. till midnight.
What to expect: An all-day festival featuring vibrant and diverse sounds of African music, performed by some of the hottest Amapiano & Afrobeats DJs. Venue is Sol beach, Lagos.
Budget: Ticket prices start at ₦25k.
Flytime Fest x Davido
When: December 24, 6 p.m. till 1 a.m. the next day.
What to expect: I mean, it’s OBO. It’s happening at the Eko Convention Center, Lagos.
Budget: This is also VIP-only, which costs a pretty ₦104,100 per ticket.
Grand total spend:
₦433,900 only (exclusive of transportation costs)
This total is based on the assumption that you only get student and general entry tickets where available, and are rich enough to attend all the shows — which you must be since you’re determined to have a lit December.
There are four shows on December 23 alone. But the more, the better, so hop from one show to the other. The goal is to have enough memories to hold onto when January’s sapa rolls in.
NEXT READ: No Music Festival? 7 Alternative Ways to Properly Detty Your December
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January has an extra 20 days, so we know you’ll have to spend wisely this December. But this doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun. If you want to have a Detty December without spending all your money in the bank and then some, we know all the places you should be at this month.
Your imagination
Your overactive imagination is already on overdrive, thinking up different ridiculous situations and making you delusional, so you might as well put it to great use this December. Let your delusion lead you to the best time of your life.
King’s Fest
Devon King’s is throwing a party for their customers at the low low cost of zero naira. All you’ll have to do is register online and come ready to have a swell time
King’s Fest is brought to you by Devon King’s and will be happening at Ikeja City Mall on the 16th of December. There’ll be a ton of fun activities; you don’t want to miss it. What’s more? You might even make new besties or meet a potential life partner there. Before we forget, there is a chance that you win electronic items, too. However you look at it, it’s a win-win.
A children’s party
Let’s explain. If you play Santa Claus at a children’s party the heat might finish you in that suit, but you’ll have a fun time, free food and drinks, and you’ll still get paid. You’re welcome.
A stranger’s wedding
If you haven’t gotten the memo yet, everyone and their daddy are getting married this December. We suggest you wear your adult shoes, get dressed on a Saturday, find your way to the nearest event center, and gatecrash the hell out of weddings this month. Just make sure you avoid the bouncers so they don’t throw you out on your ass.
Your house
If you think about it, all you really need to have a good time is yourself, so we suggest you fight the boredom, look around your house, find all the things that’ll spark joy and do just that.
Traffic
If you love the fun and thrill of traffic drama, then that is just the place for you. Take a ride to the supermarket or something, play loud music and watch the people in your city act up and out.
Family gatherings
Yes, they might make comments you won’t like and end up pissing you off, but you’ll have a good 5-10 minutes before that starts, so make good use of it.
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We’re in the last month of 2023, and we can barely feel the celebration in the air. Economy still is hard AF, purses are almost empty, friends and loved ones are on the japa wave. Nothing feels as they used to. Detty December doesn’t bang like it used to.
But we have one life and can’t come and kill ourselves. If you’re like us, come here and we’ll let you in on a secret; we’ve figured out some simple hacks to enjoying Detty December.
Work with the president
It’s been raining special assistants at Aso Rock. Do you see the opportunity we see? If you can convince Tinubu to make you a special assistant’s assistant, you’re all set for December. Start revamping your CV.
Work in a night club
It’s not a secret that nightclubs will be full of activities this December. Get a job there,work the bottle service and get the chance to enjoy free music and party with celebrities.
Play Santa and other mascots
If you can take up gigs where you’ll cosplay as Santa Claus or the Teletubbies, This is your time to shine. You won’t get only money payment out of it; you’ll also enjoy music and kids.. Detty December is all about music and dance, isn’t it?
Home is where the fun is is
If all else fails, sit down in your house o. Because if you step outside for one minute, 100k has gone.
If you don’t do Detty December outside this year, you’ll do it next year. Trust the vibe.
Buy unlimited data
As you already know, outside is fucking expensive. You might as well stay indoors and spend your Detty December budget on data and Netflix streaming subscriptions. You will enjoy movies and views from those outside.
Not discouraging you from going outside to flex, but also see this as your chance to be the film guru in your circle.
Go to your village
If you really need to change your location this December, pity your account and go to your village. We hope you have the courage to walk away from the noise, chaos,and the bills in the city.
Organise with friends
If going to your village is not an option because you want to be with your friends, there’s one more option to explore.You guys can have fun by putting your little Detty December budgets together and having a cheerful and warm house party. Remember a wise man said, “in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things, does the heart find its morning and is refreshed.”
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Many end-of-year music festivals and concerts will likely not happen this year because the promoters can no longer afford to book our afrobeats artists.
But that isn’t reason enough to give up on your December enjoyment. If you really want to be in party mode throughout your holidays, you can still have maximum fun these ways.
DJ and hypemen parties
Since artists are now too expensive to book, it’s the turn of the DJs and hype-men to take centre stage. No lip-syncing or waiting for an artist to come three hours after the show starts.
Indie shows
If an artist you like, whether they’re C or Z-list, has a show, go and enjoy watching them live. There are many independent musicians and upcoming acts throwing shows this December. You get to support them, and they get to make enough money to put back into their music to make more music you lowkey love.
Spend time in clubs
You already know you’ll enjoy loud music, alcohol and dance. You already know your favourite club gives you joy every other weekend. But it’ll be pro-max in December. You’ll get to party with invited celebrities and all the big ballers in your city for longer than the usual party hours because it’s the holidays.
Or go to the beach
Lagos beaches move like clubs, with their own celebrity DJs.
Throw your own parties
Gather your family, friends and loved ones and load up your favourite jams. Make it old-school, and everyone will be high on nostalgia, singing along till fuel finishes inside the generator (if you like, trust NEPA).
Street carnivals
If your street or estate has no plan to organise one, call a general meeting and give them the plan. Everyone will come together, have a good time and get to know that neighbour no one sees. You guys can even make estate merch to strengthen communal relationships.
Do “Home Alone”
If you want to be by yourself, that’s cool too. Eat some home-cooked food, drink up and turn up the music. Somebody say, “Macaulay Caulkin, we wanna party.”
There’ll be music at our meat and grill festival in Lagos this Saturday. Get your ticket and enjoy the biggest meat cookout in Nigeria.
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So you’re planning to travel back home or to Lagos for Detty December in this sapa-demic? Wow, very brave. Since we can’t stop you from making this choice, the least we can do is mentally prepare you for all the wahala you’ll go through on your December trip.
Good luck.
Flight tickets are more expensive than two Asake tickets
Someone needs to explain why everything is expensive in December. Are we the ones who gave birth to Jesus?
If you thought flight and bus tickets were expensive during the year, get ready to meet holiday ticket prices because your account will cry hot tears. And that’s not the end. Regular bikes and taxis will also start calling crazy figures, as if they’ve been waiting for you to help them complete the house they’re building in the village.
Traffic everywhere
The amount of traffic you’ll jam this holiday season (especially if you go to Lagos) will make you wish you’d just sat in one place. There’ll be traffic on your way to the airport or bus park, traffic on your way out of there, traffic heading to where you’ll stay, traffic at your estate gate, traffic in your home and traffic in your life. As a matter of fact, half of your life will be spent in traffic.
Like Davido said, “E choke!”
Airport people will ask you to “Do Christmas” for them
This is one of the most annoying things you’ll experience at the airport. If you breathe to the right, billing. If you breathe to the left, billing. By the time you finish dropping small ₦500 here and there, all your money will finish, and you’ll end up trekking from the airport to your house.
You need to hold ransom money
To avoid stories that touch, kindly travel with your ransom money, so in case you get kidnapped, they won’t have to stress about calling your relatives. What if your family uses Glo, and the call doesn’t go through? Or they use GTB, and their bank app doesn’t load on time? Help the kidnappers to help you, please.
RECOMMENDED: How to Eat Like a Food Blogger on a ₦30k Budget This Detty December
Scarcity of buses
Quick question to bus drivers: where do all your buses go during the holidays? Because they’re always plenty during the year, but as soon as it’s Christmas, you have only four buses (so you increase the price). We know what you people are doing.
Delayed flights
If your flight is by 5 p.m., get ready to leave that airport by 9 p.m. at least. But that’s only if you get to the airport early. Because if you get to the airport by 4:30 p.m., there’s a high chance you’ll miss your 5 p.m. flight. I don’t know how they do it, but they’d delay flights if you’re early or on time but disappear if you’re a minute late. I honestly think it’s jazz.
Family members will ask about your weight and marriage date
If questions about your weight or marital status don’t pop up when your family picks you up from the airport or bus park, know they’re saving it for when you get home. The moment you enter your front door (and throughout the holiday), you’ll start dealing with “Ahn ahn, what are you eating?” and “This your cousin is getting married next year. Shey we should still be praying for your own?”
You that hasn’t been on a date in two years? Pele, dear.
Everyone in Lagos will be busy or angry at something
This is for people going to Lagos.
As soon as you enter, you’ll feel the need to start rushing even if you have nothing to do. Don’t worry. It’s not a spiritual attack; it’s the Lagos spirit. Everyone here moves like they’re in a life-or-death situation. When you think about it, living in Lagos is an extreme life-or-death sport.
ALSO READ: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things
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Your detty December comes at a cost. But how much exactly? This quiz will tell you.
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Between the fuel scarcity and Bolt charging us the price of an organ for a ride, transportation costs have increased. What do you mean by VI to Lekki Phase 1 is ₦3k? If you’re not careful, you’ll spend your entire Detty December budget on transportation alone.
Here are eight other ways to move around.
Collect broom from the association of witches
For years and years, witches have had their own mode of transportation, and it has been working for them. They jejely use their brooms to fly and get to places. This December, find a witch and ask if they have an extra broom you can borrow. Not sure how much it costs to maintain a witch’s broom sha.
Choose ferries
There are quite a few ferry terminals in Lagos. Ferries are cheaper and faster because they avoid all the nonsense Lagos traffic. The only thing is they only operate at specific hours and locations with water access.
Beg Otedola for his private jet
Or any celebrity with a private jet. Ask to follow them when they’re going out, and maybe they’ll drop you off somewhere close to your destination. You’ll just have to use a parachute to get down.
Order a dispatch bike and be the package
Imagine paying ₦2k from Ajah to Ikoyi. You can only get that price when you use a dispatch service. This December, find a dispatch service and order a ride to your destination. When the rider arrives, tell them you’re the package, and they need to find somewhere to squeeze you.
Carpool
If your friend owns a car, find a way to carpool as much as possible. Even if they can’t drop you at your exact location, they’ll sha drop you somewhere close.
Ask an IJGB to pay
These people earn in foreign currency. ₦10k on Uber won’t affect their bank accounts. Spend their money!
Take danfo buses
People don’t like danfos for many reasons. But the truth is, they’re cheap. Is there a chance your outfit will be ruined on the bus? Yes. Will heat almost kill you from all the people squeezed into the bus? Yes. But you’ll only spend a fraction of the average December cab fares.
Stay at home
At the end of the day, your best bet is to do your detty December at home. Choose peace and a full bank account this holiday.
ALSO READ: 7 Business Ideas to Consider This December
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The holiday gates are open and the IJGBs are landing with wanna-gonna and innit money. If you plan to secure one of them this December, stick to these commandments so you don’t get carried away.
First of all, don’t do it
If you’re thinking of getting involved with an IJGB, don’t do it. No matter how sweet they seem. It won’t end well, and you’ll shed tears in January. But if we’re already late, and you’re involved with one already, continue reading.
Break up and run
Now’s the time to pick up your bag and leave, to avoid stories that touch the heart. But if you love living dangerously, and you have coconut head, then make sure to do these things.
Fall in love with sharing
Market is tight, and the demand for IJGBs is high. There’s a chance your December boo has another boo. Don’t let that one vex you. Just develop team spirit and fall in love with sharing.
Enter with your eyes and hands open
Shine your eyes very well, so they can’t port to another IJGB with a better offer. You can’t be mixing business with pleasure. But if you’re going to stay too, keep your hands open so you can collect all their money.
Don’t catch feelings
Remember, you’re here for a good time and not a long time. Catch not these feelings that IJGBs will throw at you. Now, go forth and prosper.
Have more than one IJGB at hand
Your IJGB definitely has side pieces. Better do what’s in your best interests and gather like five so you can stay focused on the bag and not catch feelings.
Have a backup plan for when they all leave
Just in case you don’t listen, and you catch feelings for one of them, you need a shoulder to cry on when the breakfast comes. Because it definitely will.
Don’t text them after they’re gone
Let the end be the end. Just move on, and don’t text them again — until next December, at least.
NEXT READ: 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December
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We all deserve a December filled with fun and enjoyment, but only those who can ace this quiz deserve it.
Questions
This is a question
Choose the ones that apply to you:
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Your December might be detty but have you thought about January yet? We’re giving you this cheat code way ahead of time so you don’t scream “sapa” again early next year, please.
Have a budget
Yes, we know this is the month to prove how much of a baller you are, but don’t get carried away. Plan your money so you don’t cry hot tears next month. If you don’t know how to be a baller on a budget, we’ve got you covered.
Gatecrash all the parties
Five minutes of fun before they kick you out is definitely worth it. Don’t sleep on this tactic for your December. If you’re finding it hard to gatecrash any party, show up like this.
…Or stay in your house
Maybe just stay in your house and watch people ball on the internet. Or watch the World cup instead. Second-hand enjoyment isn’t such a bad thing, you know. At least, you won’t get a bill in the end.
Bill your rich friends
It’s your detty December, but why not have someone else pay for it so you can ball without having chest pain every five minutes? Bill your rich friends and forget your problems this month.
Avoid family gatherings
Your village people will come for their annual dues if you attend any huge family gatherings this December. If you must attend, don’t lose guard, for the sake of your pocket.
Buy yourself December clothes
You still want to look like your December is detty even though you’re taking things easy. Perception is everything, so use your drip to hide the fact that January winter is on its way. Impress people with your fresh new drip to limit the pressure to spend just to prove a point.
Or find someone to buy them for you
You can even rope someone into buying you clothes so you don’t have to spend anything to look suave this December. What’s sweeter than using someone else’s money to enjoy life? Absolutely nothing. Nigerian politicians would know.
NEXT READ: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things
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One sure way to show people on social media that you’re enjoying Detty December is by posting pictures from fancy restaurants. Even though Nigerian restaurants cost an arm, foot, liver, beard and edges, they’re the new December concerts, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
If, like me, you’re on a small budget, here are some tips on how to get the most out of your Detty December restaurant experience without using your family’s last born for rituals.
Ditch your broke friends
Sure, birds of the same feather flock together, but don’t you want to bamba and flock with the big birds? See, if you really want to enjoy the restaurant experience during Detty December, you need to let go of the broke people in your life and elevate to the IJGBs (with their pounds and dollars) and other rich people who can comfortably say, “Oh, I have it covered,” when the bill arrives.
You can go back to your broke friends in January. If they genuinely care about you, they wouldn’t mind. A win for one is a win for all.
Become a vegetarian
Restaurant food is expensive, but you see that extra protein on top? Omo, it’ll book you a first-class ticket to SAPA-land. You don’t need to have steak or prawns, dear. Tell the chef to make pasta with onions and Indomie spices. Oh, and no one will even try to drag you because being vegetarian is a cool kids’ thing these days. #PETA4Life
Eat before you leave your house
One thing about fancy Nigerian restaurants is they’ll serve you the same portion of food they’d serve a chihuahua (and add two or three leaves if you’re lucky). Restaurants are for vibes and aesthetics, not food. So if you don’t want to be unfortunate or tempted to order dessert, better do the right thing and boil small rice before you step out.
Take pictures before the bill comes
Nothing will ruin your mood faster than getting the bill. Trust me, I’m talking from experience. By the time you’ve looked at the food bill, service charge, VAT, Tinubu charge, VPN charge and Red Cross charge, all the vim you had to take pictures will disappear. Please, don’t waste your baff-up or money. Take those pictures before the bill arrives, to avoid stories that touch.
RECOMMENDED: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things
Look for food-tasting events and crash it
It’s December, so you can be sure at least three or four new restaurants will open every weekend before we enter 2023. Whether you’re on the guest list or not, I suggest you find your way into those restaurants on opening day because most of the food will be free. Don’t tell anyone we told you. But most importantly, don’t you dare mention Zikoko if they catch you.
Tell people you’re on an alcohol cleanse
Who alcohol epp? Have you seen the price of cocktails these days? And all because they can light the drink on fire. No, thank you. Why pay ₦10k for a cocktail when you can buy cheap wine or make one of these crazy cocktails recommended by Zikoko writers in the comfort of your home. If people ask why you’re not drinking, tell them you’re on an alcohol cleanse or you’ve given your life to Christ.
Attend every family event
Will you have to endure your aunties and uncles asking you why you’re a single pringle? Yes. But is the food free? Also, yes. Has anyone ever died from insort? No. So, suck it up and go to big mummy’s house in Surulere for free food.
Flirt with the waiter
Like they say in Nollywood, “Scratch my back, and I’ll scratch your back.”
If you want portions that’ll fill one-quarter of your stomach and food that’ll come out on time so you can take pics for socials, you need to be on the waiter’s good side. All the shouting you’re doing to show yourself will only motivate them to spit in your food. A word is enough for the wise sha.
ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party
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With just a few weeks to the end of 2022, you should already know if you’re a baller or a mechanic. And if your case is the latter, you need these tips to help you get the most fun in the coming festive season.
Pray
The first step is to commit your account to God in prayer. Will he multiply your account balance, send your helper to locate you or give you concert tickets in your dreams? You won’t know till you try.
Get cheap tickets
Who says you have to be a big boy to party with them? It doesn’t matter if you won your ticket in a giveaway or got it because you’re the bird that didn’t sleep. What matters is that you’re outside, screaming your lungs out and dancing to your fave’s performance.
Sell your properties
The only reason you’re not a baller is because you don’t make enough money, and you need to fix that. Don’t worry if you don’t have properties to sell. You can sell your body — it’s a whole goldmine. Do we need to remind you that you have a kidney and a spare?
Use public transport
After selling your father’s land to afford Asake’s tickets, the day of the concert reaches, and you don’t have money to pay for Uber. You’ll like public transport, don’t worry. Pro-tip: You can use “o wa” as rehearsal for when your fave is performing.
Have rich friends
They say follow who know road. And if your current friends aren’t talking about gifting you free tickets, it’s a sign that they’re the first people you need to cut off. Do we know how you’ll meet the rich ones? No. But we trust you to figure it out.
Eat from home
Nobody says you can’t be a foodie, but try to eat before leaving your house. We can’t have you passing out from hunger in the middle of your legwork because you refused to pay ₦5k for spaghetti with facebeat.
Attend Z! Fest
Whether you’re a mechanic or a baller, you deserve to party. And we’re giving you good music, games, vibes — a festival. And it all costs way less than ₦70k.
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Dear Nigerian musicians, please and please, you’re not the only one inflation is using to play ludo. What are these Detty December concert prices?
After all the stress of 2022, we agree you deserve not just Z! Fest in November but all the concerts in December too, just for premium enjoyment. But how do you attend your fave’s shows despite your struggling funds? Let’s break it down.
Date a bouncer
This is a classic case of sleeping with the enemy. Bouncers are the main reason you can’t get into a Nigerian concert without a ticket. So imagine how easy your life would be if you started dating one or two. They won’t be able to chase you with their muscles. Just make sure you date the ones guarding the doors to lit concerts, not dead ones abeg.
Become a backup dancer
Almost every musician needs a backup dancer, and not everyone can afford Kaffy. A surefire way to attend Nigerian concerts is by learning how to legwork and break dance at the same time. If you don’t know how to do this yet, come to Z! Fest on the 26th of November [2022] to learn from Liquorose.
Sell your father’s house in the village
When it comes to choosing between family inheritance and Asake concert tickets, I expect you to make a wise choice and organise that money ASAP. After all, your father would’ve done the same thing for Fela or Bongos Ikwue back in the day.
Become a musician
You still have till the end of November to record and release a song that’ll make you blow. Once you become famous, bigger artists invite you to open their show, and you can join the crowd after your performance. Trust me, singing is not that hard. We have like five singers here at Zikoko.
RECOMMENDED: 7 Ways To Enjoy Detty December On A Budget
Follow people who can afford tickets on social media
Who says you can’t attend a concert virtually from the comfort of your own room? Sure, you might miss most of the show and drain your data, but at least it’s free, and you don’t have to stand and wait till 3 am for a 7 pm show to start.
Befriend an IJGB
The only reason you’re complaining about the price of Detty December concert tickets is because you still earn in naira. If you convert these ticket prices to pounds or dollars, it’s not even up to the money IJGBs spend on McDonald’s abroad. Just make sure you avoid the ones who want to ruin your life sha, because those ones are plenty.
Learn how to vomit foreign currencies
I know it sounds impossible, but thankfully, Zikoko has already dropped tips on how to vomit pounds. Look at us teaching the leaders of tomorrow how to create their own foreign reserves. I stan.
Stream your fave’s music and imagine it’s live
Please, print out your fave’s picture, open your Spotify app, place that printed picture on your chest, then close your eyes and imagine they’re performing right in front of you. Like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang, “You will when you believe”.
ALSO READ: 10 Types Of People You’re Likely To Meet At A Concert This December
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Even though it’s still November, we know most of you have already mentally checked out of the month and are planning for detty December. So here’s a list of activities to include in your plans.
Start early
Instead of going full swing into party mode in December, start introducing yourself to fun activities happening now. Try a get-together with your friends, a house party and so on.
Form a party squad
If you think going to parties alone is fun, you should try going with a squad.
Karaoke party
Mind you, we said karaoke, not Nigerian Idol. If everyone’s not singing offkey, it doesn’t count. You’ve worked too hard this year not to end it by singing till your heart’s content, please.
Games night
Before you argue that you do this every other day, we’re talking about a proper games night with fun games that don’t involve exchanging saliva or body fluids in the name of truth or dare.
Silent disco
Silent disco is like having the aux cord at a party. Who doesn’t want that type of power? Just put your headphones on and select the vibe you want.
Food and drinks festival
Human beings are wicked, so you can’t place your happiness in their hands. But you see food? It can do you no wrong. Take out a day to appreciate and celebrate the existence of food in your life.
Music concert
If there’s anything that’s sure it’s detty December will be overflowing with concerts. And with all the mad jams Nigerian artists have dropped this year, you should definitely attend one to watch your fave perform in front of you.
Attend Z! Fest
You can decide to kill all these birds with one
stoneparty bomb that’s Z! Fest. It has everything you’d want — a games night, concert and party combined. And since Z! Fest is happening on November 26, it’s the perfect way to launch yourself into detty December.
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Take this quiz to find out how you should enjoy yourself this detty December.
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The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.
1. They always want to see you.
These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.
2. They are professing undying love for you.
IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.
3. They want to have raw sex.
This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.
4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.
This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.
5. They want to party all night.
This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.
6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”
This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.
7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.
These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.
8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.
You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.
We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:
Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”
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Detty December, like every other thing can be very different for women so here’s a list of things that should be in your bag as you have decided to contribute to the heat in this country.
1. Condoms
You know how these parties can get so we want to be ready for whatever happens. Even if you don’t need it, your friend might.
2. Mask and sanitizer
Coronavirus and her sisters — Delta and Omicron variants are still outside. Vaccinated or not, please wear your masks and use your sanitizers. Let’s stay safe, January is still coming.
3. Pepper spray
People move mad at parties but you can move madder. Just remember to be smart when you have to use your pepper spray.
4. Menstrual products
Because little miss mamas can decide to surprise you this holiday with all the orishirishi and sugar. I pray it doesn’t happen to you but better safe than sorry.
5. Lip balm
Hot girls don’t go around with chapped lips. Get a handy lip balm or lip gloss for your purse if you don’t already have one.
6. Moisturizer
Hot girls also don’t go around with ashy legs and hands. Moisturize, babes.
7. ID card
Because we are still in Nigeria and Bubu is not paying police and civil servants this December. If you get stopped by the police, having a valid ID card might be the thing that saves you.
8. Your patience
Nigerian women carry bags that are small enough to fit their patience. With the way Nigeria is set up, you’ll need your patience wherever you go this period.
9. The fear of God
The fear of whatever God you believe in should be kept very close to you when you go out this month.
Once you have these nine things in your bag, you are good to go.
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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?
Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.
[Detty December walks in and looks around]
Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—
Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?
Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?
Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.
Zikoko: Dirty?
Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?
Zikoko: Not at all.
Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.
[Detty December smacks lips]
Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?
Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?
Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.
Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?
Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.
Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].
Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.
Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?
Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.
Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?
Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.
Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?
Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.
And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.
Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.
Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.
Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.
Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?
Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.
Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?
Detty December: As how?
Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.
Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.
Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?
Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.
Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport. Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.
Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?
Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?
Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—
[Detty December’s phone rings]
Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!
[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]
Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.
Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.
[Detty December walks out]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea
[donation]
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Everybody wants to have detty December but does everybody have detty December money? If you are like me, here are a few alternatives to detty December you can opt for.
1. Bake banana bread
Who told you that the season of baking banana bread is over? The thing about baking is that you can do it whenever you want, especially when you are lonely and dreaming of the outside. What better ways to cope than to stuff yourself?
2. Indoors with your lover
You could be indoors with your lover, Netflixing and chilling with matching Christmas pyjamas while the rest of the world crashes and burns. Oh, the joys of Christmas.
3. Karaoke night with the girls
Instead of you wasting money in one wannabe highbrow restaurant on the island, you could get drunk at home with the girls and dance to old love songs.
4. Spending Christmas with your family
Here’s a wild one — you can visit your parents after five years of not going home. Unless you are running from trauma or can’t afford it, you should try, it might just be the boost of serotonin you’ve been lacking. Also, home-cooked meals will help you save money.
5. Indoors sexting your long-distance lover
Especially if they are stuck in the UK with this red list nonsense. Instead of spending time outside, wasting money, buy data and connect with your lover. Don’t underestimate the power of sexting in strengthening relationships — flings even.
6. Smoking with your friends
You can just host a smoke-out as in barbeque night in your backyard, if you have a backyard. It will cost way less than sitting in traffic to get to one event where the performer will jump from one end of the stage to another shouting into his mic for one hour. You can do better, dear.
7. Babysitting your sister’s kids
This is a great time to connect with your family. If you are bored and don’t know what else to do, visit your sibling who has kids and pay a helping hand. That way you won’t even have time for FOMO.
8. Clearing your cart
All the money that you would have used to pay for cab, you can just use it to clear your cart. By the time, everybody has worn their new clothes for December, you will have clothes to show off in January when sapa is hitting hard. We don’t have to look like the things we go through.
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After “Detty December” comes “E choke” January, but that will not be your portion. If you follow these six tips religiously, “insufficient funds” will have nothing on you.
Pro tip: Number two always works.
1. Break up with your partner
You guys can make-up later, but you have to remain focused on securing the bag. Break up now, love won’t feed you.
2. Take Buju’s advice
Don’t go outside ooo. There’s debit alert everywhere. You never know where you’ll enter and your account will suddenly become minus 100k. Take heart ehn; it’s only a while. The outside is not running away.
3. Befriend your boss
Who else has the future of your account balance in their hands if not your boss? Start dusting their shoes and washing the plates they use for lunch at the office. If you don’t see your salary in January, at least you know who to fight (not us, plis).
4. Start planting what you’ll eat in January
Why spend money on food when you can harvest? See, carry hoe and watering can and transform that barren backyard of yours into a food court.
5.
Stock up on vibes and Insha’AllahFor every event, hangout or fun memory you make, keep a portion of the vibes aside for rainy days in January. It’s just thirty days, insha’Allah, you will survive.
6. Fast and pray
If people ask how come you are beginning to look thin and poor in January, tell them you are observing a special prayer and fasting period for supernatural blessings. Kabaya!
7. Lock your funds till mid January
Then throw away the key and forget you have anything called money somewhere. Your January self will thank you.
QUIZ: What Kind Of January Will You Have?
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December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we’re here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it’s her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you’re switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She’d be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she’ll give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man’s heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food – before you can breathe, “When are we going to try that new restaurant?” Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you’re feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won’t meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. “Folake would never…” or “Chinasa always made it this way.” Do this once or twice and she’ll either poison you or leave. It’s a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, ”Take risks and succeed.”
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has “Megan knees” until it’s time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she’ll start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
[newsletter]
5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying “Yes,” which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it’s already the second day of December, so we’re running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with “Ok”
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is “Ok”? There’s no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there’s no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it’s always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn’t do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you’ll look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
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Is your December going to be squeaky clean or will it be the dettiest December ever?
Take this quiz to find out.
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Nothing prepares you for the drama that comes with going to a concert in Nigeria. From the main artist who chooses to show up seven hours late to the upcoming artist who expects you to sing along to a song they dropped that morning, everyone acts like they’re on steroids. With concert season around the corner (those prices though), we’ve made a list of people you’ll most likely run into at the next show you go for.
1. The One With A Curfew
They will spend the entire time reminding you that they have a curfew and need to be home before 10 p.m. This is funny because everyone knows that Nigerian concerts never start on time. Most of the time, these ones leave before the main act gets on stage (which is usually at 3 a.m).
2. The One Always Looking For A Place To Crash Until Daybreak
Despite knowing that concerts run until very late, these ones won’t make plans for how they’ll get home or where they’ll sleep if they can’t get a ride.. They are basically running on vibes. If you meet someone like this at a concert and share a laugh together, they’ll ask to spend the night in your parlour.
3. The One That’s Too Big To Dance
If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s forming. Why are you at a concert standing like an electric pole? These ones will rather die than actually admit that they’re having a good time. Tragic.
4. The One That Won’t Stop Dancing
These are the people that don’t understand the difference between a concert and a nightclub. Yes, you can dance o, but this is not Maltina Dance All so calm the hell down. They show up to concerts and start throwing their legs everywhere like Liquorose. All you can do at this point is get out of their way to avoid injury and let them finish.
5. The One Trying To Outsing The Artist On Stage
Arguably the most annoying group on this list. They will shout, not sing, every word as if their life depends on it. We get it. You’re a super fan. But please dear, we didn’t pay to hear you sing, so kindly geddifok.
6. The Ones Who Don’t Know The Lyrics
They’ll be in a corner passionately singing the lyrics to your favourite song but if you look closely, you’ll see that they’re just chopping their mouths singing a version of the song even the artist has never heard before.
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7. The “I Was Dragged Here” Concert Goer
They probably got dragged there by their friends or have been forced to chaperone their siblings. Either way, they will spend their time side-eying and judging everyone that’s having a good time, just because they think they have better taste in music. Go and sell your taste in the market and allow us to have nice things.
8. The Discount Documentary Filmmaker That Wants To Record The Entire Concert
The most common on the list thanks to everyone constantly clinging to their phone. While it’s okay to record a couple of clips for the gram, these ones with their 512GB phones must record every single moment. It’s almost like they’ve been contracted by Netflix to make a documentary.
9. The Overly Touchy Couple
You know the couple with the girl in front and the guy behind her holding her waist? They’re practically inseparable and do all they can to remind us single people that we ain’t shit. Honestly, we can’t stand them either. Get a room! We came here to watch a musician, not two random people dry hump each other.
10. The Creepy Guy That Doesn’t Understand Consent
The absolute worst are the guys who go to concerts and harass women who just came to have a good time. They feel like it’s their right to dance with anyone they want to because “we are all having fun”. Don’t be a part of this group of people. You will get your ass kicked and thrown out of the concert.
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It’s mid-November, which means two things; detty December is close by and it’s time for the annual Black Friday sales galore.
This year’s sales are extra special because it’s the first sales we are having post-COVID-19 (well, it’s post-COVID 19 in our minds) so everyone is going all out to shop for things without worrying about lockdowns or its hassles.
As you go about scouting for the best deals, there are certain people you should avoid like a plague, because their bad luck or vibes can affect the deals you may get. We compiled a list of the types of people that you need to hide from right now.
1. Slackers
These guys cannot be bothered. They don’t understand that Black Friday is a serious business. If you want to get the best deals, avoid them or they will drag you down. These are the ones that will remember Black Friday on November 26 and will ask you to chill till then. My friend, rebuke them all!
2. The Ever-ready
This set of people are always ready, especially for special deals like those on Jumia. They are logged in on their laptop, tab, and phone at the same time so they can get to the special deal of the day first. So, these people are good on their own, just move far away from them. They are the kinds that find the ₦5,000 iPhone 12 while your internet is loading right beside them.
PS: You would both be using the same internet but their jazz is always on overdrive.
3. Bulk buyers
Avoid them like you avoid semo. These ones will buy seven shirts in eight colors and not leave anything for everyone else. They are the ones that bought all the Adidas Core Sneakers Grand Court Base at 59% off during the Adidas brand day yesterday and are still looking for more. Why would you want to be friends with a greedy person?
4. Smart and tricky buyers
These people and the people that reminded teachers of assignments are in the same group. They’ve been planning for this day for months, they know what they want to buy and head straight for that section. They are spending ₦365,78.97 exactly. They are that good.
If you are not serious, you would even help them buy some of the things they want but have not ‘budgeted’ for. If this person is your bae or boo, just accept your fate. It’s also a good thing!
5. The ‘forgetters’
On the list of people to avoid, these people are the worst. Anytime there is a special deal, they always ‘forget’ to tell you and then come to lament on the big deal they got, when they wanted something even bigger. These ones are the generals in your enemies’ army. We hope you know.
6. Window Shoppers
These are professional stockers. Their cart is never empty but they always seem to disappear just before it’s time to checkout. Enough said…
7. Voucher Vultures
These ones have been hoarding vouchers worth hundreds of thousands of naira and best believe they are getting the best deals for next to nothing while you are trying to make sure the number of items in your cart qualifies you for free shipping. They are doing #BigDealMoments, #WhatsYourBigDeal and getting vouchers of up to ₦50,000. (#ICYMI, people are sharing their mishap moments and carting away Jumia vouchers each week)
8. People who do not believe in Black Friday
These ones no sabi better thing at all. Imagine being able to get the best deals from your favorite brands and not getting into it.Now that you know the people to avoid, you are almost ready for Black Friday. The last step is to head over to Jumia or better still, download the Jumia App to secure the biggest and best deals, you might just be able to purchase an iPhone 12 for only ₦5790. Don’t forget to share with your friends, you don’t want to end up like the people you are avoiding.
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Guys, get in here. We’ve got something to talk about. Believe it or not, December has come. And you know what that means – it’s time to detty everywhere again.
This year, things will be even dettier. COVID did us dirty last December, so there were no shows or events for us to attend. Now that we’re popping again, it’s events back to back. Biz Wiz already announced. Burna Boy already announced. And we’re still waiting for several other A-listers to drop dates – Olamide, Tiwa Savage, Davido, Teni, Rema, Ayra Starr. Omo, KPK!
If you’re out here thinking about how to get the funds you need to attend shows, trust us; you’re not alone. Burna himself said it best – “Dangote still dey find money.”
This year, everyone has been talking mad about crypto. “Buy this coin, buy that coin.” Remember back in April when everything dipped and we were all dragging crypto people on Twitter? Well, the joke’s on everyone else right now. Crypto is back up and all the sinzus are now popping their collars again.
If you’re still new to the whole crypto thing, you don’t have to be afraid. Several coins could easily jump in the next month or two, and you could invest in them right now to get money for your Detty December.
We decided to do some of the research work for you, and we’ve got some interesting coins for you to consider right now:
1. Wakanda Inu (WKD)
So, this first one is a bit of a newbie. But hey, if everyone can have a meme coin, Africans can get one too!Wakanda Inu is a cryptocurrency that launched a few weeks ago. Even at that, at some point last week its price increased by over 700%. If you missed the gains that DOGE and Shiba Inu (SHIB) gave investors, then you would want to get in on this one.
Cryptocurrency exchange Quidax is currently giving out 200 Billion Wakanda Inu. You can get info about the airdrop here.
2. Bitcoin (BTC)
Bitcoin is the daddy of cryptocurrencies. It was the first coin to be launched, and it’s still the most popular today. This year alone, Bitcoin’s price has grown by 109.4%. So, if you had put some cash into Bitcoin at the start of the year and chilled till now, you’d be sitting on a big stack of cash.
Bitcoin has been doing some big numbers lately too. Plus, the fact that it’s the most popular cryptocurrency means that it offers the most safety. Bitcoin has a history of making big moves towards the end of the year, so we’re expecting something hooge soon.
3. Dogecoin (DOGE)
DOGE is what we call a meme coin. It doesn’t really have a use, but a lot of people on social media love it. And it has caught on since then. This year, DOGE’s price has increased by over 4,000%.
It’s still making a lot of people rich, and you could invest in it to get some gains in December.
4. Shiba Inu (SHIB)
If you’ve got your ears to the ground recently, you must have heard of SHIB. Crypto people have been shouting about it like it’s the best thing since sliced bread. But what if it actually is?
This year, SHIB’s price has increased by over 10,000%. So if you put just #10,000 into SHIB at the start of the year, you’d probably be rubbing shoulders with Tony Elumelu right now. But, it’s not too late. SHIB may still have a long way to go.
5. Binance Coin (BNB)
BNB is a cryptocurrency launched by Binance. We’re especially big on BNB because of how well it has performed this year. BNB’s price has jumped by 1,435% this year, meaning that it has made a lot of people rich for sure. Watch out for this one.
So, Where Do I Buy These Coins?If you’d like to get your Detty December funds sorted, we recommend choosing a trusted exchange that won’t give you any problems. Like Wizkid said, we all want No Stress.
You can check out a cryptocurrency exchange like Quidax. You can buy all the cryptos we have mentioned in this article on Quidax.
Disclaimer: The information in this post shouldn’t be taken as investment advice. Cryptocurrencies are great investments, but we recommend that you do your research before buying any crypto.
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It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.
But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:
1) Know what you want:
There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.
The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.
2) Buy tickets on time:
Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.
3) Go out with friends:
This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.
4) Organise house parties:
Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.
Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.
5) Revamp your clothes:
So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.
You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.
6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:
This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.
7) Have a cash reserve:
Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.
Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.
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Remember how you were paid your salary super early in December and you proceeded to use that salary to paint the town red all month long, forgetting that the world wasn’t ending on the 31st?
Of course, you do. Thanks to your commitment to the “treat yo self” philosophy last month, we’re not even yet halfway into January and your bank account is almost empty. You are so broke, your December bank statement email from your bank ended with a laughing emoji. Yes, your pitiful account balance gave the bank people a good laugh.
Don’t worry though. I’m here to show you how you can successfully survive on what’s left of your December salary so you’re not left holding a sign like this by the end of January.
You know why “stuff” is in quotes on that sign. Don’t pretend.
Quit eating out.
Don’t go with your coworkers to that fancy restaurant for lunch. Avoid that fast food joint you keep thinking about because you’re craving meat pies and ice cream. Your mantra needs to become “there’s rice at home”. The only exceptions are when you’re invited out and the invitee offers to pay for you. Either that or you invite someone out with the promise of paying for them but then when you’re done eating, you escape through the toilet window, leaving the gbese of the bill on their head.
Will a stunt like that kill that relationship forever? Yes. But would you rather have friends or starve?
Go ask your parents for money.
Swallow your pride and act like you’re just there to visit because it’s been a while and you miss them. Gain points by doing chores and even spend the night so you can keep them company. During this time, remind them how good they have it that they have you as a child and not some chronic alcoholic with a growing meth addiction. Then when it’s time to leave, casually mention that you need a “loan”.
Feel free to throw in a few tears if it looks likes proceedings aren’t going your way.
In the event that things don’t go your way in the scenario described in the last entry, steal from them.
The game is the game. Take any useful thing you can find. Stray cash, foodstuff, cooked food etc. They’re your parents and they’ll forgive you eventually.
Find a way to reduce transport costs.
Now is the time to break out your hitchhiker’s thumb so you can solicit for free rides from other commuters with cars going your way and hope to God they’re not crazy. Because if you get murdered while hitchhiking, all the blog posts about your death will read like the first 4 minutes of every horror movie ever.
A sad cliché.
If you fall sick, just wait out the illness.
Have you been to a hospital lately? Consultation fees alone are insane. Tack on the fees for treatment and you’ll see that it’ll be cheaper to just keel over and die. No matter what illness befalls you, just get plenty of rest and lots of fluids. There’s an 18% chance you’ll be fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the trick is to find ways to get the things you need without having to pay for them. Like a wise queen once said:
The wise queen was Lil Kim.
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At the end of last year, you were most likely paid your December salary really early in the month. You were super stoked because that meant you could flex as hard as you wanted during the festive period.
And flex you did.
Forgetting that that salary was also supposed to last you throughout the next month.
Now you’re broke, even though it’s the only the second week of January. You’re losing weight because you’ve been forced to go on a diet by your near-empty bank account. If this describes your current situation, I’m here to help.
Here is a a list of 10 cheap meals that’ll keep you satisfied until January salary enters.
1. Bread and butter
Throw in a 50cl bottle of Pepsi and you get the bricklayer special!
2. Cabin biscuits and Milk
Pour the milk in the biscuits (like a human) or crush the biscuits and throw them in the milk (like a f***ing psychopath) to get a delicious bowl of what hungry boarding school students decades ago affectionately called biscuit flakes (even though the end result couldn’t be further from being flaky).
3. Cabin biscuits and sardines
Squeeze your face all you want, but I can personally vouch for this outrageous but totally delicious combo.
4. Raw instant noodles soaked in cold water for like 40 minutes.
Is it kinda disgusting? Yes. Will you gag the first few times you try it? Also yes. But it does get better after a while, and you really don’t have a choice because you’re broke. So shut up and learn to love the taste of vomit.
5. Eba mixed with palm oil and pepper
Pouring the oil and pepper in during the eba-making process. I’ve never tried it myself but I imagine it’ll taste a lot like stale palm oil flavoured cotton candy.
6. Raw instant noodles.
Because who has all that time (and technical know-how) to actually cook it, right? Just take it out of the pack and eat it like a snack. No one will judge you (too much).
7. Mayonnaise
Just Mayonnaise. Eat it straight out of the jar or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s ice cream if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult and you can do whatever you want.
8. Butter
Just butter. If you like some crunch in your munch (and don’t mind a little diabetes when you hit 50), throw some ground sugar in the mix. Eat it straight out of the container or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s custard if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult…
9. Bread and Gala
Works with any sausage roll, really. For when the bread and butter/mayo combo becomes too mainstream.
10. Salad
Did you really think I was going to end this without including some healthy greens? The best thing about salads (apart from their high nutritional value) is that you don’t have to cook them. Just cut up and enjoy. Too lazy to cut? Eat the ingredients individually and wash it down with a cold bottle of salad cream.
No need to thank me, you guys. I’m just…
