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The race is on. It’s operation “Find love before Valentine’s Day”. Whether you intend to do that by entering someone else’s relationship isn’t the focus today. The focus is making sure your Valentine is a corporate girlie for these key reasons.
You won’t need to go over the top
She’ll be at work on Valentine’s Day, so no need to worry about spending the day at a resort or any crazy thing like that. What about after work, you ask? Traffic and the stress of capitalism will mean all she wants to do is sleep. Same applies to the weekend. Just get her a gift box and call it a day.
Or break the bank
She’ll appreciate anything you give her because she’s working class; she knows what it means to collect salary today and go broke the next.
You can easily be intentional with your gifts
Why buy a corporate girlie flowers when you can gift her a keg of fuel or bag of rice, and she’ll love you forever?
Behold our Valentine Special
We brought back three couples we interviewed in 2019 to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. This is the first episode:
You’ll get a gift too
One thing about corporate girlies is they aren’t stingy. Even if it’s singlet and boxers they can afford, best believe you’ll get something.
You can cheat in peace
Another good thing about her having to work on Valentine’s Day is you’ll have the time to take your other babes out. The “C” in corporate girlie stands for “considerate”. They just want to see other babes win too.
They won’t have time to cheat
The fact that she even has time to date you with all she has going on is commendable. If she ever gets tired of your cheating ass, she won’t even bother to do you back. She’ll just leave.
You’ll level up by force
How would you be with a corporate girlie and you aren’t killing it in your own field too? They aren’t about the mediocre life. So beyond Valentine’s Day, you’ll definitely level up or go home.
Call us greedy, call us Oliver Twists, but over here, we believe whatever’s worth doing is worth doing well. LinkedIn might be a great career platform to access jobs and journal your achievements for the world to see, but we need them to pull on their big boy pants and realise it’s also the perfect dating app in the making.
Who really needs to know their potential partner’s height, beliefs and drug habits when with LinkedIn, you can find out if they’re a team player, great at communication or a top earner in their field. Here’s how to find the love of your life on the most professional app in existence.
Send a cold DM
As soon as you’ve scoured the app and found upward moving people to connect and lock lips with, slide right into their DMs like you would on Twitter.
Be the clown you are
Nothing’s funny right now, but how do you expect to find the love of your life on an app as serious as LinkedIn if you can’t even dangle the promise of bringing joy and laughter into their lives?
Spin tales
We know you’ve seen the tales by office lamp people tell on LinkedIn. The people spinning those tales don’t have two heads. Give yours a romantic twist and you’re all set.
Be in the comments
Believe it or not, you’re interviewing for the role of their Biggest Cheerleader, and they’ll need to know you’re a serious applicant. The only way to do this is to get your digital finger foam and reply all their tales with “Deep”, “Insightful”, “Such a pioneer” and more.
Work on your elevator pitch
Or as we like to call it in dating, flirting. You’ve sent cold DMs, and you’ve tarried in the comments. Don’t let all your effort go to waste simply because there’s nothing sweet about “You’re the sugar in my tea”.
Go through their recommendations
You can tell a lot about a person from the way their coworker (from that one internship they did in uni) speaks of them. Do they work like tomorrow will never come? Are they cultist aspirants who like their coffee black?
Take it to the streets
This just might be the most important of all. The connection you have online might be great, but what happens when you meet and they don’t look at you like the moon and stars shine out your eyeballs? What then?
December’s coming, and we’re about to be flooded by “Me and mine” pajama pictures. But if you’re searching for love and a follow-come photoshoot buddy, here’s a list of people you should avoid.
The ones who eat blended beans
Source: Keeshaskitchen
It’s gbegiri. We’re talking about gbegiri. Anybody who eats it with amala, or as a spread for bread, doesn’t love themself and can never love you, so just don’t do it.
The hunger strikers
Source: tenor
These ones go on self-imposed hunger strikes for no reason. They won’t eat all day but will start complaining about a terrible headache between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. They’re stubborn and won’t hear anything you say, so just leave them to their fate and walk away.
People who eat okpa
Source: Lyndisheskitchen
Anybody who can sit down and eat this wannabe moimoi that plays around with the possibility of choking you clearly likes living on the edge and doesn’t care for their safety. Run for your life!
Gym heads
Source: memes.zikoko
We’re talking about the ones who go to the house of sweat and machines more than three times a week. They won’t let you rest because you’d either be sharing your partner with a building or they’d spend the five minutes a week they’ve carved out for you trying to talk you into working out like it’s a money-doubling pyramid scheme.
Creatives
Source: memes.zikoko
Artistes, musicians, and we can’t believe we’re about to say this, but writers. Anywhere you see them, take off your shoes and run because they will use you as a muse. You will go through some serious character development; don’t say Zikoko did nothing for you.
Lawyers
Source: memes.zikoko
You’d never win an argument with them, but that’s not even the important part. You and everyone else would have to see your partner in a dirty blonde ill-laid wig that won’t even be laid properly and a big- ass black nightgown, calling another human being “my lord”. We need you to take a step back and think about it. Can you take it?
Your landlord, or anyone they know
Source: memes.zikoko
Unless you want to go through all the stress of finding a new place and paying all those new fees, you better take your eyes off your landlord and anyone they bring around.
The ones who have more than 40 followers on X
Source: memes.zikoko
Do you really want to be with someone who shares their thoughts with more than 40 people whenever they post on X? You should be enough. They shouldn’t want so many other people to know what’s on their mind all the time.
You can text it all day, get fast replies and be sure it won’t ghost you.
Become more romantic
Being a big ball of romance is finally only a few prompts away. Just ask Claude AI to tell you what sweet words to say at every point in time. Isn’t God good all the time?
Shoot more shots without needing more rizz
Connected to our previous point, your work rate will go up because dead pickup lines will no longer be part of your story. Think about it.
Settle every fight before they happen
Imagine your partner sends you a long pdf about something you did, and you just don’t have the time to read it. You can have AI write you a response in the sweetest tone possible. Just copy-paste, and your relationship problem is solved.
In fact, your whole relationship can be on autopilot
Just imagine using an AI chatbot to send replies to your partner all day? You can finally ghost in peace without them even noticing you’re gone.
More time on your hands
What if you just want to sleep, and your partner is why you can’t? What if you just want a break without the break-up? With the effective use of AI, you can now eat your cake and have it.
Gift ideas won’t require much thought
You can finally outsource to AI, the answer to the question, “What do you give someone who has everything?” and focus on actually saving to buy that thing. You still score points for being thoughtful.
You can safely vent at chatGPT
If you’re the kind of person who has issues with being vulnerable to other humans, how about being vulnerable to a machine that can talk back? Just ask it to mimic your therapist, and you can be rest assured you’re in a safe space.
Your journey is long, so you need to take inspiration from the greats that have come before you.
Know why you’re doing it
Are you bored? Do you want money? Better sex? Or do you just not have sense? Whatever it is, at least know why so when your partner catches you, you won’t blame the devil.
Gauge how wicked you want to be
Know how far you’re willing to go with your infidelity. We’re big advocates of punching above your weight, so we’ll advise you to put in your best.
Stay focused
Don’t get distracted by guilt, because you don’t need it. Clearly, your conscience isn’t in the front seat here, it’s probably not even in the car. Why let it distract you?
Do normal, don’t be extra sweet after cheating
This is how people get caught. There’s a chance that you’ll feel the need to send random “I love you so much” texts to your partner to ease the guilt. Don’t. Carry your cross in peace.
When you’re caught, say it’s the devil’s work
Of course, the devil put you naked in bed with “a friend”.
And don’t mention Zikoko’s name
What’s our own in this, please? We respect your relationship only as much as you do. We’ll deny you if you mention our name.
You can’t have a soft relationship if you still have one leg in the streets. Hang your boots and say “Bye bye” to the streets because you’re boo’d up now.
You have to talk to them every day
Forget what people say online about not talking to their partners every day. If you’re reaching for relationship goals, you have to be sending life updates to your partner every hour. It’s not couple goals if you act like you can live without them.
Learn their love languages
Relationships are hardwork, and everyone wants to be loved differently. So you need to learn your partner’s love languages so your gestures aren’t entering one ear and leaving through the other.
Put your relationship online
How can we tag your relationship “couple goals” if we don’t even know about its existence? Put your relationship online so you can choke everyone with cuteness. As Kizz Daniel wisely said “Trouble their timelines, chop all their megabytes”.
Take cute photos in matching outfits
It’s not enough to put the relationship online. You must also wear matching outfits and take pictures in them so they can know that your relationship has its own uniform.
Drop relationship nuggets for other people
Have you really completed the couple goals story arc if you don’t start dishing out unsolicited advice to single people?
Be ready to share almost everything
You’re not ready for couple goals if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of sharing. You’ll share your space, your time, and you’ll msot definitely share your money with them. That’s why it makes sense to use Brassmoney to manage your finances in a relationship.
With Brassmoney, you and your partner can easily set up a joint (shared) account that you both have control over. What’s even better is that you can save, budget and track your finances easily. All you have to do is download the app from the App Store or Play Store and create an account to get started. You can also visit their website for more information.
Even the single folks aren’t left out
Even if you’re yet to get boo’d up, there’s still so much you can do with the Brassmoney app. You can save, track your finances, make budgets, and even buy airtime and data to hate on people in relationships on the internet. All you have to do is download the app from the App Store or Play Store and create an account to get started. When they ask who referred you, tell them it was Zikoko.
It’s not like we’re trying to lead you astray, but if you’ve already decided to lie, you might as well tell a really good one. Just promise to share the money when you get it because these formats will definitely work every time.
Tell him it’s a loan
The first step is to make it seem like you intend to pay back, even though you and I both know that’s not in the plan.
And that you’d pay back with interest
Just don’t clarify what type of interest you mean. If he ever brings it up when it’s time to pay back, you can say the interest you offered was a hug or a pat on the head. Interest is interest.
Say there’s something wrong with your credit alerts
And you just want to know what it feels like for money to hit your account. You can throw in small sweet words and head rubs for pizzazz.
Tell him the last person who gave you money got blessed
If he doesn’t feel encouraged to try it out, he lacks faith in you, and why are you dating such an opp?
Say your [distant] family member swallowed a razor
Crazier things have happened. At least we were here when he heard that snake swallowed millions. Just tell him someone swallowed a razor, and now everyone needs to contribute to foot the medical bills.
Tell him you crave money in your account
This will probably only work if you’re pregnant sha. We’ll recommend getting pregnant first so this format works better for you.
Nigerian banks already have a reputation of doing everything else except their work, so this won’t be too far off. Just say something in the lines of, your bank locked your account, and boo will do the needful.
Tell him you want to buy him a gift
He’d be too impressed at the fact that you’re actually thinking of him to ask why you aren’t using your own money.
Tell him you want to buy yourself a gift
And if he says no, it just means he doesn’t think you’re worthy of good things. Is that who you should be dating, sis?
Say you want to start a business
TBH, using all the money to look good is good business, so this isn’t even a lie.
Tell him you’ve found a sugar daddy
If he likes you, he’ll know he needs to step up so they don’t snatch you away from him. If he doesn’t like you, though…
Say you’re owing Palmpay
He wouldn’t want you to be disgraced, so he’ll cough up the money.
Tell him you need money for school or anything specific
You already call him “daddy”, so he might as well start acting like your father.
Just call him and start crying
At this point, you can be as creative as possible. Form sadness and tell him you don’t think he’d still love you if you were a worm. He’d probably try to appease you, and that’s when you ask for the money.
Who doesn’t love being alone sometimes? But being single for too long can have some hilarious consequences. From struggling to be vulnerable to not knowing how to share food, it can make dating hard for both parties.
Here are eight traits people who’ve been single for too long exhibit.
They want to do everything
Matching outfits, couple poses, couple TikToks — you name it. Every day, they’d send you something new they want you guys to try. It’s pretty cute for someone to be that excited sha. But God help you that you’re not as enthusiastic as them.
They don’t know how to share
This one is tricky because they might just be a stingy rat. But these guys have been single for so long that sharing anything, especially food, is hard for them. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to have a romantic meal together, and they’re more concerned about their own plate than spending time with you.
They still have dating apps
Someone who’s been for the streets for a long time can’t just enter a healthy relationship and leave everything behind like that. They might need it for the validation of getting matched, but e dey pain sha.
They get attached too quickly
The first date isn’t even over, and they’re already picking out aso-ebi. The moment they say, “I’ve never felt this way before. This feels different,” know it’s the five years of being single that’s talking through them.
They’re too independent
These guys will tell you their love language is acts of service but would rather die than let you do something for them.
They’ll forget you exist
They’ll forget to text to check up or ask about your day. You’d even have to keep remind them of your name. They’d go out and forget to send you their location, and you’ll just be there wondering if you’re fighting. No, dear. It’s the long-term singleness exhibiting itself.
Everything is a competition
If you try play fighting with them, they’ll nearly break your neck, because softness has been missing from their lives for a while. You want to play Whot? That’s the day the relationship will end. They’ll give you like ten “pick two”, after claiming to love you.
You’ll know more about their ex than you know yourself
From the first date, all you’ll hear is how their ex’s traits are their current deal breakers. Every two seconds, their ex’s name will come up. Dating people who’ve been single for too long isn’t for the weak.
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The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
Image Source: Freepik
After losing a marketing job in Lagos, 30-year-old Chidi moved to Port Harcourt. Five years later, he’s managing a ₦40k teaching job, zero savings, ₦300k debt and a supportive girlfriend who believes his hard work will pay off some day.
Occupation and location
Secondary school teacher living in Port Harcourt.
Monthly income
My salary is ₦40k. But I get between ₦20 – 65k from home lessons. It’s not consistent.
Monthly and recurring relationship expenses
Girlfriend’s birthday: ₦5k each in 2021 and 2022
Miscellaneous: ₦5 – 10k whenever she asks
How did you meet your girlfriend?
She was a beautiful youth corper serving in the secondary school where I taught in 2021. I didn’t think anything would happen between us because I’m Igbo and she’s Yoruba. But one month after we met, we started dating.
How?
Her ex is Igbo, so she didn’t mind dating outside her tribe. And she admired that I was willing to start from somewhere and put in the work, unlike her ex who was unemployed and waiting for an oil company job.
Was that your first job?
No. I had one marketing job in Lagos in 2016. The pay was supposed to be ₦20k for three months before you start earning solely off commissions, but throughout my time on the job, I didn’t get one naira.
You say?
After six months of roaming the streets of Lagos looking for who’ll buy insurance, my brother asked me to stop. I was living with him, and he was paying my transport fare. Some days, they’d ask us to report to their office at Ajah, and my house was in Surulere.
I was 28 years old surviving off random ₦2ks and ₦3ks my sister gave me when I visited her house. I also held on to change from running errands for my brother. That was at most ₦5k a month. Some days, my bet would click, and I’d win big. One time, I used ₦200 to win ₦200k.
How did you spend the money?
I bought a new phone with ₦30k, then I gave my sister over ₦10k for clothes and used about ₦10k for my transport. The rest of the money went to family members and helping with some bills in the house, since I still lived with my brother.
What happened after you quit your job?
I spent a year at home job-hunting. Even though my brother always tells me not to let my grades define me, getting a job with my third-class degree wasn’t easy. So in 2018, when my best friend from university called me to come to Port Harcourt because he thought I had a better chance of getting a job there, I agreed. I know ₦40k is not much but it’s better than sitting home doing nothing. After my first term teaching at the school, I started taking private lessons.
How’s that going?
At first, it wasn’t consistent, and the pay was around ₦20 – 30k. Now, I make ₦65k from two students and get referrals from parents. In 2022, I even got my own place for ₦150k a year. I want my babe to feel comfortable when she comes over.
How does it go when she visits?
We gist, watch movies, and sometimes, she buys foodstuff to cook. Other times, she eats Indomie, cornflakes or whatever I have available.
What does she do?
She’s a fine arts teacher and earns ₦55k for it.
Do you ever give her money?
I don’t give her an allowance, but when she doesn’t have money, I can send ₦5k – 10k. In a month, the most I spend on her needs is ₦10k.
What about gifts on special occasions?
We didn’t do anything for Valentine’s in 2022, but I want to get her a gift this year. My budget is ₦5 – 10k. Our birthdays are both in December, which is also when my rent is due. So I just sent her ₦5k for her last birthday, while she got me a perfume. I also sent her ₦5k for her birthday in 2021, but that was because I was in debt to different loan sharks.
How come?
I started borrowing during COVID. Schools were not in session and only the subjects that didn’t involve calculations — English, Social Studies, Civic Education were included in the online plan. Since I taught mathematics, technical drawing and Physical Education, I wasn’t working or making any money.
I was ready to return to Lagos, but my brother didn’t think it was the best for me.
After I exhausted my savings, he sent me the occasional ₦5k or ₦10k. My friend from work, an older married woman, also gave me and my roommate some foodstuffs. But I still needed money to help with upkeep, food and data, so I turned to loan organisations.
No savings?
With the high cost of living in this country, it’s impossible to save. I tried to in 2019, but when the COVID lockdown started, I had to dip into my ₦50k+ savings. Whatever money I get now is to survive.
I started by borrowing ₦10k to repay ₦13k. Then I borrowed from another loan company to meet the payment deadline. Sometimes, my three younger siblings would call to ask me for money — two are in school — and I can’t say I don’t have. I’d have to send ₦3 – 5k. I was also sending my mum ₦10k, but it wasn’t consistent. In two years, I’ve used over 15 different loan sites, and I’m still owing them a cumulative of ₦300k.
How do you plan to pay?
In December, the government announced that those loan sharks were illegal, so I’m not paying. I used to be scared of their threats, but now, I’m a comrade. I’ve cancelled borrowing sha. I’m trying to leave this school and look for a better-paying job. If I can find a school that’ll pay ₦150k, that’d be great.
Do you have a financial safety net?
If something happens and I need money, I’ll try family then friends. After that, na God hand I dey.
Fair. Does your girlfriend save?
Maybe. On my birthday in 2021, she surprised me with a cake, small chops, food, wine, Hollandia and even shortbread cookies. That must’ve cost a lot of money even with her ₦33k allawee and ₦10k salary from the school.
What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
My babe and I are trying to work on our finances. Her uncle wants to get her a state job that comes with accommodation and a salary of over ₦100k. When she gets it, we can start saving together, maybe in a joint account.
How do you feel about her earning more than you?
I don’t feel intimidated by that. Even if we get married and she earns ₦1m while I earn ₦200k, I’d still be happy for her. It’d be nice to have a solid support system. She’d pay for things like foodstuff, and I’ll handle rent.
Nice
I don’t plan to be a teacher forever. The future is tech, so I want to learn to program. I could learn online or from my babe’s brother-in-law who’s offered to teach me. I just haven’t gotten money for a laptop yet. My brother also promises to teach me forex once he finishes learning this year.
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
Image Source: Unsplash
Peace*, at 23 years old, is working two jobs, saving more than half her salary and planning her relocation to the UK. In this #LoveCurrency, she talks about saving since she was 10, getting back together with her ex after a year and her father’s disapproval of marrying at a young age
Occupation and location
Medical Lab Scientist living in Port Harcourt.
Monthly income
I currently earn ₦249k monthly. ₦150k from my main job, and ₦99k from my internship.
Monthly bills and recurring expenses
Data: ₦12k
Transport: ₦16k. Twice a month, she spends an average of ₦8k per trip to and from Warri, Delta state, where she works.
Snacks: ₦10k on random cravings
Tithe: ₦24,900
Savings: ₦150k total. ₦100k from ₦150k salary, ₦50k from ₦99k salary.
She doesn’t pay rent because she lives with her parents.
How do you have two jobs?
Technically, I have one job and housemanship that I’m ghosting. It’s at a government hospital, and I barely go there. But I work at a private school health company in Warri. I’m there for two weeks every month.
Does that affect your relationship?
Not at all. The work is not time-consuming, so my boyfriend and I text, talk over the phone and send snaps whenever I’m away.
Nice. How did you meet?
You know how you have a cool friend you enjoy talking to online but have never met? That was Tobi in 2015. We had just graduated from secondary school, he claimed to know me from school. Our schools were close to each other, and I’d also heard of him. So we became Facebook friends. We moved to WhatsApp some months after but made no plans to see each other. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I liked him as a friend anyways.
What changed?
We were always talking on and off, but then one day in 2018, he called to check up on me, and we spoke for about two hours about general life and school — he’d moved to Cyprus for university. Our communication became stable after that; we would have long calls, texts, and send each other snaps.
In 2019, he asked me out, and I agreed. But then, I messed up, and the relationship ended a year later.
Ahh. What did you do?
I had a “fling” with someone else and told him about it. This was in February 2020. I liked him, but my head wasn’t in the relationship. He was schooling outside Nigeria, while I was in Nigeria, unsure of when he’d return. We’d started the relationship long-distance, and it didn’t seem like a good decision anymore.
After the confession, we decided to break up. Our conversations slowed down, and we’d stopped talking completely by July. That’s why I wasn’t expecting the snap I got from him in December.
What was in the snap?
He sent his location, which showed Port Harcourt. Even though I was very excited he was around, I didn’t expect him to want to see me. But in February 2021, he texted me, and we met at a lounge. It was my life’s best date.
Why?
Finally meeting him in person was amazing. The conversation was great, he made snaps of us, and we held hands. He also sent me a sweet text later in the evening saying it was the best and most affordable date he’d been on.
How affordable was this date?
I’m not sure because I didn’t pay. And I had a date with my friends later, so I didn’t want to eat. We had wine and small chops or peppered chicken — I can’t remember.
Then we saw each other again in March. I went to see him at the hotel he was staying, and we spent the weekend together.
That sounds nice
Lol. Me that went there with my books. I had my final year exam that Monday, and man was not going to be why I failed.
LMAO
Tobi is the type of person who just enjoys having you in his space. He didn’t mind that I was reading. He made sure I was comfortable and showered me with food. From rice to parfait, chocolates and ice cream. I don’t know how much those cost, but the hotel was at least ₦20k per night, and we stayed for two nights.
That must’ve been nice
It was. He was back in Nigeria because he’d graduated, so we went back to normal talking. A few months later, I started distancing myself from him to figure out what was happening since we weren’t dating. I didn’t talk to him or any other guy and just prayed for God to direct me. He texted me in May confessing his feelings for me and wanting us to get together.
See God
His birthday fell on the same day as my seminar defence, so I was busy. But I got him a cake and made a trad set for him. It was a bit tight, so he never wore it. Everything was about ₦50k.
Things were smooth until our near-breakup in March 2022, just after my birthday.
You say?
I had been on my shift that week, so I got home to see that he’d sent this huge cake, two lovely slippers and a food tray — I was really happy.
I don’t know what was wrong with me, but when I called the next day, I accused him of not allowing my picture stay 24 hours on his status.
God, abeg
Omo, he was so furious. For the two weeks that followed, communication was very passive-aggressive. We had plenty of quarrels; one was about the guy responsible for our first break-up.
I was worried my friends were already getting placement for their housemanship and I wasn’t. I tried to speak to him about it, but he was still barely talking to me, so he didn’t care. I reached out to the other guy because we were friends, and he had a connect who got me a placement at a government hospital.
When he found out, he was even more upset that not only did I still talk to the guy, I’d gotten a job through him.
Well
It was a whole thing. I ended up deleting the guy’s number for my peace, TBH. And then, he confided in my friend who called me later to explain that he was hurt. He’d cleared his account to get me gifts, and I was picking a fight over WhatsApp status.
When we talked about it, I told him I didn’t think he’d be upset about something I said jokingly, and I’d prefer to hear how he was feeling from him rather than a third party. He said he believed I knew why he was upset, so he didn’t want to spell it out. I told him that if we didn’t break up after that, we can’t break up again.
Then he got an offer to manage his friend’s business in Ghana, so he moved there. In April, my iPhone 11 Pro Max arrived and a gold chain weeks later. He’d literally gotten everything on my wishlist.
God, when? How does one even top that?
You don’t. I got him a football jersey he wanted — it was about ₦65k — and some skincare products which cost ₦13,500.
Not bad
In September 2022, he asked me to visit him in Ghana. I told him I couldn’t go until he asked my mum. My mum knew about him because she’d heard my sister and uncle joke about him. She also met him during my induction in September 2021, but you know Nigerian mothers. She said she read a WhatsApp BC where a man murdered his wife during a trip to Ghana. It took plenty of begging and convincing from my sister and uncle before she agreed.
LOL
I spent about eight days in Ghana, and it was so much fun. We went to a spa on the second day, hung out with his friends the day after and went for dinner on the fourth day. We went to the beach, went bowling, did karaoke, visited a botanical garden and got kente material from their market. We also went to the mall too many times to count.
Who paid for this thing?
He did. He said he’d been saving up for a while for the trip.
Do you have any idea how much he earns?
Nope. I can tell when he has money though, because whenever he doesn’t, he gets cranky.
Don’t we all?
He trades crypto in addition to the business in Ghana, so he tells me when his deals are successful. Some days, it’s ₦50k, others, ₦500k. I assume for someone to spend over ₦1m on a trip, which is what I estimated he spent, he’d have up to ₦4m more. Or at least, that’s how it works for me. I save more than I spend.
Does he know how much you earn?
Yes, he saw my alert one day during the trip. I usually never admit I have money. I learnt that from my mum.
LOL
Growing up, she taught me that you don’t need to spend all the money you have. You have to keep a portion aside. From when I was ten years old, I used to keep some part of whatever money I was gifted in a pink purse she gave me. Even though I kept the purse in her room, I remember sneaking out random ₦200s and ₦300s to give my uncle who lived with us then. He promised to buy me a car when I was in university.
Screaming
I know Tobi has savings in dollars, cryptocurrency, and also invests in gold. I like not knowing how much he earns because I don’t want to get greedy or worry about how he spends his money.
Has this happened before?
Yes. When he returned to Port Harcourt in December 2022, he splurged on clothes, a ps5, a hotel room and outings. We went on two dates — one with his friend and his girlfriend and another with my friend and her husband. The double date with my friend cost about ₦40k in total. Tobi covered it after a tussle with the husband, who also wanted to pick the tab. With his friend, it was about ₦70k. He picked that up too, but the friend said he’d reimburse him. I don’t know how that ended, TBH. He wanted to enjoy December, so I get it.
After he got to Ghana, I texted him to ask if he still had his “UK money”, and he said yes.
UK money?
I’m trying to get a UK nursing job, and he’s been saving up to relocate too.
So you’re going as a couple?
No o. Even though it’d be easier, my dad doesn’t believe in young people getting married before they’re settled financially. I’m just 23 years old. He doesn’t even know I have a serious boyfriend, talkless of marriage. He lives in the UK and hasn’t been home since 2019, so I’ll just wait until I see and talk to him face-to-face.
What about your mum?
In December, I asked Tobi to come and state his intentions because my mother was asking. He did.
So you did intro?
Intro sounds too serious, abeg. Don’t give me anxiety. But yes, they met officially. He also bought 25 litres of groundnut oil for her and added ₦50k. I was at work, so when I returned, she said I had to get something for his mum.
Did you?
Yes, I got her an ankara material and added the money for sewing — about ₦20k. I’d gotten his mum stuff previously. A bag for her birthday, and I also got his niece a teddy bear for her birthday. ₦15k, respectively.
How much have you spent on special gifts for him?
On Valentine’s last year, I got him a t-shirt, a cute short and a button shirt which cost ₦25k. For Christmas, I got him a shoe he told me he liked on IG. It was ₦35k. And a food tray of ₦12k that was delivered to him on Christmas Eve.
What did he get you for Christmas?
He gave me ₦200k. He owed me about ₦97k, though. Sometimes, he asks me to help him pay for stuff or send money to someone, but whenever he’s sending it back, he sends extra. I never have to ask before he gives me money. If I mention something I want, as long as he can get it, he will. If he can’t, he’ll assist with part of it.
Interesting. Do you have a financial safety net?
I have ₦500k in my savings and ₦100k I lent someone. So, ₦600k. Everything relocation is being taken care of by my dad.
What’s your financial future as a couple?
It depends on how much money I earn and the cost of living where we’ll stay. But I want to be able to save £500 – 700 a month. And when Tobi gets a tech job — he’s started taking classes online — we’ll move to £1k or more.
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In ourLove Currency series, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.
Image Source: Unsplash (Actual interview subjects are anon*)
Tolu* is a 26-year-old product designer currently living in London. In this article, he tells Zikoko about moving to Nairobi because of Nigeria’s inconsistent electricity supply, getting a job at Spotify and receiving the best birthday gift from his girlfriend, even in a long-distance relationship.
Occupation and Location
Product designer in London
Average monthly income
About £6,250. But after tax and pension have been deducted, I have about £4k left.
Monthly bills and recurring expenses
Rent: £1,510 per month
Internet: £40
Phone: £10
Power: £50
Water: £20
Food: £100 – £200
Black tax: Sends over ₦150k home monthly
Savings: £1k, £1500, £2k. It varies depending on what I earn that month.
I’m entitled to a percentage of the company’s stock; 30% in cash and 70% retained in stocks.
How did you meet your girlfriend?
I met her at a house party in Lagos in September 2020. She came out with a friend of mine.
Ehen?
Please, don’t judge me. He had a girlfriend. If you look at it well, I was helping him not to cheat.
At the party, she seemed so chill. She didn’t know anyone there, but within minutes, she was gisting with everyone. We started dating in November 2020.
Where were you working at the time?
As a product designer at an African tech company where I was paid ₦250k. I was also taking design gigs on the side. I worked freelance with a guy who paid me about $2,500 monthly. With my house rent at the time being ₦1.5m annually, my side gigs were basically paying my bills.
When did Spotify come in?
After I left the tech company in July [2021], I briefly worked at a US company. I started working part-time at Nestcoin in September [2021], then moved to full-time in November. I applied to Spotify between November and December after I moved back from Nairobi.
Nairobi keh?
I was on a work call one day in March 2021, while I was still working at the African tech company, when the power went off. I expressed how tired I was of Nigeria, and my colleague suggested we travel to Nairobi.
Just like that?
Yes o. Earlier in the year, I planned to travel and explore different places, so why not?
How did your girlfriend feel about this?
Even before we started dating, I’d always said I was going to travel out of Nigeria. And she also doesn’t plan to stay in Nigeria long term, so it was easy to have the conversation when the time came. It took till a day before we travelled for it to really hit. That was when we made the agreement to never go days without talking to each other.
So this was a vacation?
Not exactly. I sold off most of my property before moving to Nairobi. I had to live with my family in Ibadan when I couldn’t return.
What do you mean?
I decided to visit Nigeria in October 2021 after four months in Nairobi. I was missing my family and girlfriend. We’d been dating for about seven to eight months and spent every weekend together, so the four months apart were hard. The plan was to stay for two months and go back. But when I was about to apply for my visa, Kenya issued the COVID vaccination mandate. I hadn’t even gotten my first vaccine shot. So there was no way they would let me into their country. I took the first dose in December, and because you need a two-month gap between the first and second shot, I knew the earliest I could travel was February. I had to get a refund for the flight ticket I’d booked for January.
When did you decide to move to the UK?
I only started considering UK early in 2022 after four out of the shit ton of European companies I’d applied to reached out for an interview. I was confident at least one of them would click. I got three offers, but I chose Spotify.
How has the long-distance relationship been?
Even though we had Nairobi as a sort of test run, it’s been hard. We try to talk all the time through video calls and all. About two months ago, we got into a fight — I can’t remember why now, but it was something silly — and for the whole three days, we were still checking on each other. With our current schedules, it’s become more challenging. She just started working as a chef for a restaurant in Lagos, so she’s swamped.
How much of your money goes into your relationship now?
My girlfriend is pretty independent, which I like. So I don’t put her on an allowance. But I do something for her every month, whether it’s getting her dresses, flowers or crocs — she loves them. Sometimes, I send her money to make her happy for the week or month. Getting gifts usually costs less, and I think it’s more thoughtful. The times when I send money, it’s about ₦100k. But with how expensive things are in Nigeria and how much she does for me, it’s not even plenty money.
What has she done?
She’s literally the most thoughtful person I know. My birthday was just a few days after we started dating and she went all out. Got me gifts— a jersey, perfumes, a belt and a fancy cup I even took to Nairobi. As a guy, I’m not used to getting a lot of gifts, so the intentionality behind these meant everything to me. She got the belt because on our first date, I had borrowed my brother’s belt.
This year’s birthday was even more special. She got me a shoe I always wanted and booked a dinner reservation for me.
Do you have conversations with her about money?
Earlier in the year [2022], I told her I’d always prioritise helping her reach a point where she can afford to get herself whatever she wanted, instead of buying it for her. For instance, I can’t buy a wig of ₦1m, but when she needed about ₦1.4m to go to culinary school in October 2021, I assisted with ₦800k — ₦500k first, then ₦300k.
Do you have a financial safety net?
I’m running on vibes. I depleted my safety net in the process of my relocation. I can’t remember how much I’d saved, but I promised myself I’d renovate my mum’s house, so a lot of money also went into that before I travelled. I also lost about $5k between March to October 2021 trying to launch a startup. I got to London with just $2k. I’m currently working on getting my savings back.
What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
I want to be a fucking baller. I want us to own property together. But since we’re not married yet, I can start implementing some on my end. I plan to get a house in Ibadan and another in the UK, or wherever I’m staying.
Is the plan for her to join you in London?
Eventually. She wants to get to a space where relocating won’t mean taking a step back in her career or starting from scratch. Also, I’d love for us to go on a vacation, but she just started working, and it’d be selfish of me to expect her to create that kind of time for us. The most practical thing would be to visit Nigeria, which I’ll do in March [2023].
If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.
You can decide to believe your partner has sense, and hope they really have sense. Or you can save yourself from possible breakfast by getting inside information about who you’re dating that only their neighbour can give you.
And no, it’s not just for them to tell you if your neighbour is cheating. These are the ten other reasons.
Your partner may be a professional snorer
What if your partner’s snore can wake up an entire street? You may not know if you don’t live with them. You know who will? Their neighbour.
Your boo’s head might usually touch
Your partner may be one of those who shout “Up NEPA!” when they bring the light. Don’t you want to know that about them before catching feelings?
Your partner may be an Ikorodu Celine Dion
If you’ve never stayed over with your boo and seen them have their bath, you wouldn’t know if they sing terribly off-key versions of everything. Befriend their neighbour so they can give you the intel and save your ears.
Your boo might be a talkative
If they’re too close and chummy with their neighbour, it’s a red flag. Who does that?
They beef the neighbours
If they’re always fighting the people they live next to, it’s also a red flag. You want to marry someone who’ll be keeping malice with you?
Your partner may be a petty Betty
If you start hearing stories of how your boo used to pour salt in their neighbour’s generator or move other people’s clothes off the drying line, what’re you still doing in the relationship?
Your partner may be broke
Who knows if they’re borrowing fancy clothes to go on dates with you when in actual sense, they always beg their neighbours for salt and garri?
Your partner may be rich
They may also be forming “broke” with you to avoid billing, but somehow manage to fry chicken every night at home. Believe me, the neighbours know.
Your partner may actually be wicked
Because it’s only wicked people who’ll wake up on a Saturday morning and start blasting music from their speakers at the highest volume. Did anyone ask for a concert?
You may be dating yourself
Of course, we can’t end without mentioning the obvious. A word is enough for the wise.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Michael (29) and Ada (24), are planning their wedding. They talk us through breaking the bro code, all the lies they told to be together and how their epic Valentine’s Day proposal almost didn’t happen.
How did you both meet?
Michael: In October of 2018, we met at a birthday party her brother dragged the both of us to. Even though I’d been friends with her brother for a while, the party was the first place I saw her physically. She didn’t school in Nigeria and had just returned a couple of weeks before to start NYSC.
Ada: I came to serve my country, and I found love. What a life. I’m a shy person, so that day was extra hard for me because I wasn’t just outside with my brother but with two of his friends. I tried not to do too much so it wouldn’t seem like I was looking for attention, but not do too little so they wouldn’t think I was proud. I was stressed.
Michael: I thought she was beautiful, so I approached her. We vibed really well and had a lovely conversation. We even exchanged numbers. After the party, I started texting her. It was going well, save for the times when she was forming for me.
What do you mean by “form”?
Michael: Twice, I asked her to hang out, but she said she was busy. What was she busy doing?
Ada: Technically, it was one time I didn’t get to hang out with you because I had an event to attend with my parents. The second time which was about a month after we met, we eventually saw a movie together.
How did that happen?
Michael: I’d asked her if she was free, but she said she had plans to see a movie with her friend. Later, my friend called to ask for a lift to the cinema. When I dropped him off, I was about to leave when I saw Ada walking out with her friend.
Ada: I was shocked to see him but went to say hi.
Michael: We just sat there and talked about many things.
Ada: Unlike the last time that meant planning something, we were both already outside. Nobody had to make any effort, so it was easier to just sit down and talk. I enjoyed spending time with him so much that I skipped going to church so we could watch a movie together.
LMAO. Wow
Ada: It wasn’t the first time something like that happened. A couple of weeks after the cinema thing, in early December, I texted him that I was done with my PPA and was about to go get pizza with my parents. He asked if I could come see him at work, and I agreed because it was still early in the afternoon. I really can’t believe I gave up pizza for this man.
Michael: But I bought you food. Doesn’t that make up for it?
Ada: It does.
Michael: After we hung out in my office for a bit, I drove her to a bus stop. At this point, I already knew I liked her. We’d been texting every day since we exchanged numbers, and the two times I’d spent with just her were great. That’s why after gathering courage, I kissed her.
Ada: I was excited, but I also tried not to do too much because, even though we were in a car, it was still in broad daylight.
Michael: After the kiss, we didn’t become official. I was trying not to rush into anything.
Ada: I liked him too, but I was trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, so I still went on dates and hung around with other people.
Michael: Meanwhile, I was there, with all my eggs in one basket.
Ada: LMAO.
Ada, when did you realise you didn’t want to talk to anyone else?
Ada: Valentine’s Day of 2019. In the days leading up to it, I didn’t bring up anything to do with the holiday because I didn’t want it to look like I was expecting anything. When he asked to hang out with me that day, he didn’t make it seem different from any other day.
Michael: Meanwhile, I told my boss I was sick so I could take the day off. Missed my daily 2k.
Ada: When I got to his place, he’d made that signature bachelor stir fry spaghetti with carrots and bell peppers and bought me red wine and chocolate. He laid his blanket on the floor, and we watched The Notebook together. Because we weren’t even together, but he was intentional about doing things that’d make me feel special, my feelings for him deepened.
I love love. How was seeing only him like?
Ada: We tried to see each other as often as possible, but it was easier during work hours because he worked in Lekki Phase 1, and I worked in VI. We’d dash between offices during our lunch breaks. I’d occasionally lie that I needed to run an errand.
Michael: I don’t like to rush into things, so I wanted to think it through and ensure everything was perfect first. In June 2019, I told myself if I extended it past this period, I would be playing it too safe.
Ada: I was in his house, and he started pacing. I was worried about him, but he told me it was because he was nervous and had something important to talk about. That’s when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Michael: I told her she didn’t need to give an answer immediately, but I just wanted to ask.
Ada: I told him yes because I’d grown fond of him, and my friends loved him. He asked me out a couple of weeks before my birthday. I’d told myself that by 21, I’d be more intentional with my dating life, so it felt like a sign. Plus, he’s my brother’s friend, so I knew if he did anything to me, my brother would find him.
But I thought it was against the bro code to date your friend’s sister
Ada:Bro code in the mud o because my brother didn’t even know we were dating for a bit.
Michael: We were trying to figure out how best to bring it up. Three weeks after we started dating, we all went to see a movie. Ada and I had planned to tell him about it together in the afternoon, but she went ahead to tell him in the morning. When I eventually came over in the afternoon, he and I just talked.
What if he’d said you shouldn’t date?
Michael: That would’ve been his business. We told him out of courtesy. Plus, he’s not that kind of person. If he didn’t want me dating his sister, we wouldn’t have been friends anyway.
Ada: My brother wouldn’t let me around people he didn’t trust. The actual obstacle we had to face was my father. I’m the only girl, so my dad is extra protective of me and didn’t like the fact that I was staying out so late. Whenever he came back from work and didn’t find me at home, he’d be upset. My mum, on the other hand, was a bit more laid back. When I told her about Michael, she just warned me to be careful. She even started covering for me with my dad sometimes.
If I wanted to sleep over at his place, I’d have to lie about staying with my friend, Dammy. I was 21 and still living with my parents, so I made sacrifices like staying back to spend time with him instead of following the rest of my family on a three-week trip. When they asked why I couldn’t go, I just told them I couldn’t take leave from work.
With physical touch as my love language, I really need to be in situations where I can just hold him. Three weeks without seeing him could have killed me.
You must have hated lockdown
Ada: I almost lost my mind.
Michael: There were no more sleepovers or quick dashes to each other’s offices . We tried to make do with video and audio calls, but it wasn’t the same.
Ada: At 7 a.m. on the day they lifted the lockdown, I borrowed my mum’s car and went from my house in Ajah to his in Yaba. I couldn’t go another hour without seeing him.
See love o. Did you ever confess about the Dammy thing?
Ada: No, but my parents can’t do anything to me now. I’m a married woman.
Tell me about the proposal
Michael: I started preparing to propose to her in January 2022. I enlisted her friends to help find out the kind of ring she wanted and her size. A friend of mine who owns a restaurant in Lekki offered it as the venue. I also had to speak to her parents and get an event planner.
I made sure before I bought the ring, I’d told my family and hers. When I got their approval, I went ahead with getting the ring and setting up a plan.
I told her our friend group decided to have a big “February 13” Valentine’s dinner in VI, but the truth was that the event was in Lekki. I didn’t want her to get too suspicious of what was happening. The plan was that she’d come “pick me up” at Lekki, I’d propose to her.
On that day, everything was set. Our friends were hiding in the dark, I was on my knees, and the ring was in my hand, but she refused to come down from her Uber.
Ada: In my defence, I was being reasonable. He’d told me to pick him up from the place in Lekki so we could go to VI together. I didn’t see the point in ending the trip then trying to order another ride. Plus, I had some bags with me. I didn’t want to wait with my load when he could just walk to the Uber, and we could go.
LMAO. What now happened?
Michael: I don’t know how her friend did it, but she convinced Ada to come inside. They started playing her favourite song as she walked in. I asked her to marry me. After she said yes, our friends came out, and we had dinner to celebrate.
Ada: I remember walking into the room and trying hard not to step on the roses on the floor because I thought it was for someone else’s Valentine’s Day surprise.
LMAO. Does that mean you weren’t suspicious he wanted to propose?
Michael: I think I played it well enough that she didn’t know. There were a few close calls like when she was searching the glove compartment of my car for something while the ring was in there. Immediately she went to do something else, I removed it and threw it under my chair.
Ada: LMAO. Can you imagine? When he wanted to talk to my parents, I was a bit curious, but I didn’t put my mind on it.
Congratulations. How was the wedding?
Michael: We’ve technically not done a white wedding yet, but we’ve done an introduction and court wedding. We wanted those things to happen a month before the white wedding.
Ada: We’re married by law but haven’t had a wedding ceremony.
Why bother with one?
Ada: For me, it’s for the things before and after the wedding; getting ready with my bridesmaids, walking down the aisle and the afterparty. I want to celebrate and have fun with my friends. The rest is just formality.
Michael: Exactly
So, let’s talk wedding planning. What’s shocking you and what don’t you understand
Michael: One thing I’m yet to wrap my head around is the price of a cake.
Ada: It seems like such a waste of money. How many people actually eat cakes at a wedding?
Michael: The people we’re trying to get a cake from told us we’d pay ₦150k for a three-tiered cake, but only two tiers are actual cake. The base layer is fake and the other two layers are edible.
LMAO. Interesting.
Michael: DJ’s also cost a lot. I thought we could get good coverage for like ₦70k. If you’re not holding ₦250k upwards, you won’t get anything decent. Also, when it comes to inviting people, you might not think you know people, but you do.
The venue we’ve gotten can seat only 250 guests, but now that we’re counting, it’s getting to 400+. I keep trying to tell our parents that the hall will not fit all the people they keep inviting but keep insisting that it will. Where will they stay? I’m thinking of doing it strictly by invitation so everyone will have space to breathe. I really don’t want a crowded wedding, but if it ends up that way, that’s everyone’s business. I’m married to the love of my life.
Ada: Awww
God, when o. How will you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Ada: 10. I’m huge on compatibility and Michael has always fit in with any area of my life. My family and friends love him, so it’s always been him.
Michael: I’d give it a 9. Everything about our relationship aligned and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. We have a lot of plans for ourselves and I love that they align.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Femi* (28) and Feyitan* (26), who’ve been together for three years, met at an internship in Jumia. They fell for each other during training at Access Bank, but ended up dating other people till they kissed at a friend’s wedding.
How did both of you meet?
Feyitan: We met during an internship at Jumia. I resumed months before him, and since he saw me, he’s been in love with me.
Femi: You’re not telling this story well. Let me.
In 2017, I resumed as an intern at Jumia. In my second week, I saw one babe with big yansh in a pair of pink pants and I said to myself, “I will marry that woman.”
I talked to her friend, who introduced me to her. In a short time, Feyitan and I became really close. Coincidentally, we both applied to Access Bank and got into the training school. Everyone at training school told us we were deceiving ourselves with our friendship, but we didn’t mind any of them. At least not until 2019 when she finally told me she loved me and made the first move.
Feyitan: I firmly believe we would have gotten together sooner if he had noticed all the green light I was giving.
Let’s start with this green light. What were you dropping that he wasn’t picking up?
Feyitan: I’d constantly hang out with him and his friends during the training classes. With all the time I spent around him, would that not be considered a green light?
Femi: Of course not. Especially because after her so-called signs, she ended up dating one of the friends I introduced her to.
Feyitan: When I gave you the green light and you didn’t act right, I decided to move to your friend.
Femi: What even pained me the most was that they didn’t even have the decency to tell me. I had to find out through another friend. It pained me so much that I cried. My heart broke into a million pieces, but I tried to be strong even though I was dying inside. Whenever I realised she was in a relationship, I’d try to pull back from her because of how sad it made me feel.
Feyitan: I wasn’t going to let it happen. I’d still say hi to him when I saw him. He was fighting with me, but I wasn’t fighting with him. About 12 to 15 months later, he got into a relationship.
Femi: I had known I liked her since I first set my eyes on her, but I didn’t think she felt the same way. When she started dating my friend, it really hit me that she probably didn’t. I had to put my feelings aside and date someone else.
Feyitan, how did his new relationship make you feel?
Feyitan: I was still dating his friend, so I only noticed them from afar. I was pretty happy for them.
That’s nice, so tell me about the kiss that changed everything
Femi: Well, it was at a friend’s wedding. One minute I gave her a harmless peck on the cheek while we were dancing; she was tonguing me the next minute.
Feyitan: You started it, and I helped you finish it.
Femi: What did I start? I was giving you a friendly peck.
Feyitan: You were kissing me all over my face, so I decided to help you out by kissing you.
Interesting. How was the kiss?
Femi: It was great. Remember how I said I was somehow going to marry this woman? Yeah. The kiss felt great. However, I felt a bit sad because I was in a relationship.
Feyitan: His friend and I had broken up months before, and I was not looking for anything serious so soon. I thought at most it would be a fling.
But it wasn’t a fling
Femi: I broke up with my girlfriend less than a month after the kiss. I never told her about it and honestly never planned on telling her.
Did you both start dating immediately?
Femi: No. The problem is we don’t even know when we started dating. We’ve been trying to pick a date so we could celebrate our anniversary, but we don’t know.
Feyitan: One day, he started calling me his girlfriend, and I started calling him my boyfriend. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Femi: I still had it in my head I would marry her. Being my girlfriend was the first step.
Femi: You think you know someone until you start dating them. Then, you’re introduced to a new version of them.
I knew Feyitan was a foodie, but dating her meant I got to see a whole new side to it. She knew what she wanted to eat a week in advance. Meanwhile, I’d be struggling to figure out what I wanted to eat for lunch.
If I take too long to decide what to eat, she gets hungry and becomes an entirely different person. It used to get me irritated and annoyed, but I realised that’s just how she is. Me sef, I try to meet her in the middle and figure out what to eat on time.
Feyitan: I didn’t think it was that deep. I just wanted to eat and knew there’d be a problem if I didn’t eat.
Femi: This is one of the reasons why I say relationships are hard work. You must learn to meet each other in the middle and communicate how you feel. We sometimes have little arguments, but we try to talk it out.
Feyitan: I don’t like considering relationships as hard. I prefer a less menacing adjective like complex. Complex because there are a lot of different layers in a relationship.
So, this relationship started while you both were in Access Bank. What was it like working together?
Feyitan: Well, we worked in different branches, so we hardly got time to interact. It was just that we closed around the same time and spent more time around each other.
Femi: I left the bank in 2021 — a year after she did. But while I was there, I’d go to her house after work. We had mini-dates and just spent time together.
Feyitan: We lived a few streets away, so it’s not like work was our only chance to spend time together.
Femi, about that marriage. How far?
Femi: I still want to get married to her, but we’re currently not in the place we want to be financially before we make that huge step. We don’t want to jump into a wedding without being prepared. We plan on paying for the bulk of the wedding expenses ourselves. Plus also plan the life after the wedding. It’s not cheap.
Fairs. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Feyitan: 8 for me. Nothing goes perfectly and sometimes there are low points in our relationship, but we talk it out.
Femi: 9. It’s a really good partnership, but since nothing is perfect, help us hold the other one point.
Being a bad bitch is difficult enough, but dating one? You need grace, strength and willpower. Another thing you need is this list, in which we break down eight extremely important things you need to know before you date a bad bitch.
Avoid her comments section
If you don’t heed our advice, you might not be able to eat properly for the next couple of days. It’s not because she’s flirting or anything, but the amount of people openly saying they don’t care if she’s in a relationship? It’s enough to instil the fear of God into your heart. If you weren’t someone who prayed before, better start now.
Remind yourself she chose you
Out of all the other people throwing themselves at her, you’re who she calls home. You’ve seen her at her worst, so be calm. If you feel anyhow, beat your chest three times and dust it off.
Believe in your sauce
You can’t be with a bad bitch if you have low self-esteem. People will try to disrespect you to her face or belittle you. Sure, she shuts it down immediately, but new people will try again. You need to believe you’re also the prize. Their dads.
Learn photography
One thing about a bad bitch is she’ll look hot 24/7, and she has to document her beauty. Sure, your relationship should be built on love and trust, but your ability to take fire pictures could make or mar your relationship. Better go and enrol in photography school.
It’s alright to be jealous because of the calibre of people moving to her, but what matters is how you behave. Don’t go and do anything stupid before you lose your bad bitch, because you may never recover.
Make money
She might not ask, but the urge to spend on her increases every single time you look at her face. You think being a bad bitch is cheap? It’s not, and your pockets will suffer.
She needs time with the girls
Every bad bitch needs to recharge with her girls. It’s where they top up their bad bitchery. There might be a lot of alcohol and drunk texts of her telling you how she wants to tear your clothes, but don’t worry, she’d probably fall asleep in an hour.
Embrace her weirdness
All bad bitches have a very weird trait you’d see once you’re close to them. Either their stomach behaves like an opp 23/6 or they eat weird food combinations. Whatever the behaviour, just prepare for high levels of exposure to it. You think dating a bad bitch is easy?
People will spend double your salary on her in a day
One thing bad bitches attract is people with money. So don’t be surprised if there are people spending your one-month salary on her head. Look at it this way, it helps you save your own for other things. Plus, anything they buy for her is technically for both of you. Yes, even her Dior bag. Better borrow it.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Murphy, 25 and Susan, 22 have been together for almost five years. This week on Zikoko’s Love Life, they talk about dating by accident, breaking up at least three times, and getting engaged.
What’s your earliest memory of each other
Susan: We met in 2018 because of a friend. I was going through tough times emotionally and asked this friend if she knew anyone that’d be free to hang out during the school holidays.
She had a friend that was coming to Warri for an internship who needed a tour guide. I agreed and she gave him my number. When he texted me, I replied, “Hey stranger,” and he said, “I like you already”.
Murphy: A tour guide that doesn’t know work. When I asked for a tour guide, I just wanted someone to show me around. I heard there was a zoo in Warri ,and I wanted to see it. Would you believe I actually never saw the zoo? The only place she took me to was Shoprite.
Susan: My mummy didn’t let me go out.
Susan, you agreed to be a tour guide knowing your mother doesn’t let you go out? How were you going to do your work?
Susan: In my defence, I just wanted a friend to keep me company. At the time, my mum didn’t trust anyone with my safety, so I always had to be in the house by 6 p.m. There was no way I was going to take him to fun places and still be back home on time.
That’s why our first meeting happened at the mall.
Looking back at it, I could have been talking to a ghost or a serial killer becuase I didn’t even know what he looked like. I just trusted my friend to not put me in the hands of an evil person.
Murphy: She passed me, and when she came back, she asked if I was the person she was supposed to see. I just started laughing. I wasn’t sure it was her the first time. I thought if she was the one, she’d call my number.
After that time, I started hanging out with her almost every day after work.
Susan: It was every day o. Not almost.
Who is lying?
Murphy: Work would close by 5 p.m. and we’d hang out till her mum started calling her to come home. I enjoyed her company and I didn’t have a lot of friends, so I spent all my time with her.
See romance.
Susan: At the time, it wasn’t romance. We were not together and had only been talking for a month, but I knew he was someone I could rely on. He didn’t try to get information or be nosy. He would just be there.
I remember when I wanted to get a new phone and didn’t have enough money to pay for what I wanted. He was with me while I was trying to strike a deal with the person buying the phone for me.
That’s how he just sent me his salary for the month, which was the balance for me to buy the phone. He told me that if I wanted to pay back, I could. If I didn’t, I shouldn’t. To date, he hasn’t asked me for the money.
AH! In Buhari’s Nigeria? A whole one-month salary!?
Susan: I like to believe he did it because he’s a good person.
Murphy: Well, she needed the money, and I don’t think I thought too much about sending her ₦35k.
Susan: After he sent me the money, I carried him to meet my mother so that if anything happened to me, she could see the boy that gave me the money for the phone.
Murphy: So that’s why you took me to your house? I thought you just wanted to show me your place.
Susan: Ehn… anyhow.
So, when did you both realise you had feelings for each other?
Murphy: In September of 2018, which was three months after we met, I realised I liked her. Meanwhile, this babe was asking me to set her up with someone where I worked because I worked in Chevron. Women.
Anyways, one day while I was viewing her WhatsApp status, she posted a screenshot of a message of a guy trying to ask her out. The message wasn’t constructed well, and it just wasn’t looking great. I felt I could do better, so I reconstructed the message and sent it to her. She replied with a yes, so I was very happy.
Email Murphy sent to Susan
Susan: That yes was by accident o. I was having a conversation with my best friend and she asked me a yes or no question. As I wanted to reply her, his message came in and I ended up sending the yes to him.
Susan: I tried to delete it after, but he uses GBWhatsApp, so he saw the message. That’s how I entered the relationship.
Murphy: Just for me to wake up the next day to a breakup message.
You didn’t tell him it was an accident?
Susan: I didn’t. He was so happy, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But later that night, I realised I didn’t want to be in a relationship, so I sent him a breakup message. He didn’t talk to me for the whole day.
Murphy:I couldn’t do anything at work. I was distracted for the whole day. It was so bad even my boss noticed. ___
Susan: I missed him so much because he was the only friend I spoke to constantly, so in the evening, I called him and told him the breakup message was a prank and he shouldn’t be angry with me. That’s how I entered the relationship again.
Murphy: When she called me, I was happy because yes, I was going to be with this person I really liked. Behold, a couple of months later, she broke up with me again.
What did he do this time?
Murphy: Help me ask her because I don’t even understand how it happened. To make matters worse, she’d resumed school at the time and was ill, so I left Warri to Abraka to go and see her. Just for me to get broken up with.
Susan: It was evil spirit. But honestly, I felt bad. I didn’t think I was treating him well in our relationship because I was still struggling with the feelings I had in my previous relationship. He was with me a 100% and I felt I didn’t return the energy. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. When I told him we should break up, he said we should work it out and talk. By evening, we had gotten back together again.
Susan: The very last time I tried to break up with him in November of that same year. He had come to see me in school and seeing his face made me feel like I didn’t deserve him. He had been nothing but kind to me, but I felt scared to go through with it because the last relationship I had before him was a very toxic one. I felt I hadn’t healed enough. When I brought it up, he actually agreed we should breakup. He was tired of trying to convince me to be with him, and if I felt it wasn’t going to work, that’s it.
Murphy: A king that knows his worth.
Susan: He sha gave me a whole speech while a James Arthur’s song Naked was playing on MTV base. It felt like the whole song was about us.
Murphy: That song annoys me so much.
Susan: Every time we hear that song now, he gives me dirty looks. When he slept off, I started thinking about how much I actually loved him.
Murphy: Past tense?
Susan: Baby, love. How much I love this person and didn’t want a life without him in it. So, when he woke up, I started confessing all my feelings to him. I told him how I’d ask him out this time if he wanted me to and I’d go on dates and everything. He was now blushing.
LMAO. Murphy, did you love her?
Murphy: From the first month after we started dating. I’m someone that knows what I want unlike Susan.
Susan: Please, abeg o.
Murphy: So, I knew she was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She’s smart, ambitious, pretty, etc. Honestly, she’s everything I want in a woman. That’s why I kept trying. I wanted to have it in the back of my mind that I tried everything possible to make sure it worked out. I’m happy I tried and we’re where we are today.
So what was dating like after everyone’s head had calmed down?
Murphy: I was having a great time. We were friends before we started dating, and I think that greatly influenced how easy the relationship was after she calmed down.
Susan: I’m a smitten babe. I am in love with him completely. Dating him is the best decision of my life, and I am grateful every day I get to spend life with him. The only small issue we had was having to deal with different versions of long-distance for a while.
Explain
Murphy: After my internship, I moved back to Benin City while she was still in Delta state. So, seeing her was about a two-hour drive. I graduated in 2019, but she was still in school, so whenever I wanted to see her, I had to lie to my parents I had a job to do in Delta state.
Susan: I travelled to him a few times too, but because I was still a student, my schedule was less predictable. We could have impromptu tests or assignments to submit. I liked school and I liked to keep my grades up, so he travelled more.
Murphy: Then last year, 2021, I moved out of my parent’s house. When looking for a place to stay, I had a few things to consider. I didn’t want a place that would stress me as much as Benin did in terms of random police checkpoints and the likes, and I wanted a safe place.
Susan: He first wanted to go to Lagos but then I don’t like Lagos. It wasn’t a place I wanted to live. So he moved to Abuja.
Murphy: In August. And she joined me in November.
Susan: I moved once I graduated and started house hunting. It was my first time in this sort of committed relationship, and I didn’t want to encroach on his space. I stayed for like three months looking for a house when my mother just told me that I was deceiving myself house hunting.
Murphy: I was trying to help her look for the house even though I didn’t want to.
Susan: Whenever he stopped helping me look for a house, I’d make it a big deal. That he doesn’t want me to find my own place and all of that. Eventually, I too realised I was deceiving myself and it made no sense to live separately because I would’ve just been wasting money on rent.
Tell me about the proposal
Murphy: Well, I decided I was going to propose to her in May in Dubai. I’d told my friends and we’d booked our flights. After announcing to my friends, I realised I actually hadn’t told her parents I wanted to marry their daughter. So, we had to move our trip so we could see each other’s families.
The biggest issue with the proposal is that Susan is very nosy. She’s always asking what I’m doing and where I’m doing it. The day I was to get the ring and propose, we had to lie to her so she wouldn’t suspect anything. We thank God for a successful engagement.
Susan: I’m ashamed of myself because he outsmarted me. I had no clue what was going on. We travel regularly, so I just thought it was a regular trip. Plus, he told me he didn’t plan on getting married soon, so I forgot about it.
We had discussed marriage a couple of times and had even picked the name of our first daughter, but it’s not something I was in a hurry to do.
Congratulations. Now that you’re engaged, do you think anything has changed?
Susan: Nothing honestly. Right now, I feel loved.
M: You no dey feel loved before?
Susan: It has doubled. I don’t just find him as annoying anymore. Now, he’s just cute.
Murphy: Nothing has changed for me. At least, she can’t do me anyhow because she no fit komot again.
So, when do you think the wedding will be?
Murphy: I’d like to say a year from now. We wanted to do it January 2023, but we don’t think that’s enough time. We want to be able to plan it very well. One thing that’s shocked me is how many things there are to do. Ah ah.
Susan: Since the engagement, we’ve not actively planned anything and that’s why we want to move it.
Murphy: We don’t have a wedding planner because we heard they’re expensive. We believe in ourselves that we’re planners by heart.
I will come back to check if you’ve budged and gotten a wedding planner
Murphy: Hopefully we won’t o.
Susan: By the Grace of God, we’ll be fine. I’m not scared of anything happening because I don’t think there’s anything that can make me say I don’t want to go through with it.
On a scale of 1-10, how’d you rate your love life?
Murphy: It’s a 10 for me. I love her.
Susan: If someone checks all the boxes of something you need in a person, then it’s a 10. M checks all the boxes and then even brings some extra to it. Before him, I didn’t know someone could be so intentional about another person, but here he is. My walking bag of joy.
Modern problems require modern solutions, and that’s why dating apps were born. To give people a chance to find love from the comfort of their homes. So, how then do you make sure you have the perfect profile on these dating apps?
Put your best foot forward
It’s a dating app and you’re trying to make a good impression, one that’s good enough to make a potential partner swipe right and start a conversation. Your first picture should be one that emphasises and showcases your best features.
Add enough pictures but never too much
Even if we’re shallow people, we don’t want to come off as too shallow. So put enough pictures, but never too much. You want to show that you’re confident in your looks but not obsessed. If you’re the maximum limit for pictures is 6, add 4. If the max is 4, add 3. Balance, baby.
Under no circumstance should you include pictures with other people in it. Nobody wants to swipe right and the first question they ask is, “Which one are you?” Let them know from the jump what they’re getting into.
Your pictures should showcase different aspects of your personality
If you listed in your bio that you like to travel, post a picture of you in a place you travelled to. It helps to strike up a conversation and really sells the whole “I am adventurous” vibe.
Don’t be one of those people that only post pictures and hope their fine face sells it. People won’t date a pretty face forever. Add things about yourself because it also helps you weed out the foolish people. At least you can guess your matches probably have somewhat similar beliefs and values.
Give people something to start a conversation with
Add things to your bio that can be interesting conversation starters. Favourite movie? Something you like to do? At least that way, you’re giving people a chance to start the conversation with something other than “hey”.
Ask a friend to go over it
Your friends know a lot about you, so once you’ve finished adding all the necessary information to your dating profile, ask a friend who you trust to go over it. Let them be your second eyes and help you point out things you might have missed or things that may need adjusting.
People swear they’re neither fans of calls nor texts, but does that need to change when they fall in love or enter a relationship? Can you really be interested in someone when you can’t make time to talk to them? These are the questions we had in mind when we spoke to these 8 Nigerians:
“We have at least two calls with texts in between”
Zo*, 28
It’s only right to talk to your partner at least once every day. When you’re not dead or haven’t gone missing, what is your problem?
My partner and I get on a call at least twice a day — one to talk about the day in view, the other to discuss how the day went — with texts at random intervals. We’ve been together for three years, and the longest we’ve gone without talking is a day because we were both really busy and ended up missing each other’s calls.
“We hadn’t spoken for 12 hours, then he showed up at my door”
Pelumi*, 24
There’s no limit to how often you should talk. My partner and I talk every 3-4 hours. There are a lot of calls involved, and when we can’t call, we text each other. Although we had a fight once and went a whole 12 hours without talking — I was going for 24 hours, lol — but he showed up at my door.
Being friends for a long time before dating definitely helps, but it’s still a lot of work.
“I can’t imagine anyone goes a day without talking to their partner”
Lola*, 26
No matter how busy I am, I’ll always find time for people who are important to me, so I’d expect the same energy. My partner and I talk every day, in the morning when we both wake up, with regular check-ins, afternoon check-ins are almost compulsory except for days when we’re very busy. And we have a rule to have evening calls because we’re intentional about communicating.
We’ve never stayed a day without talking, tops we’ve gone is five hours even when we were fighting. This is why I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t talk to the person they’re dating every day.
“If we don’t talk in 24 hours, I’d assume you missing”
Erigga*, 24
If you stay a whole day without talking to me, I’d probably file a missing person’s report because, why? We have to talk multiple times a day, with chats, memes and a minimum of one long phone call.
“You should want to talk everyday”
Nosa*, 26
I used to think just being interested in someone meant you had to talk every day, but some things have changed, now I think you should want to talk to the person every day. So even if you don’t talk, it’s not because you don’t want to but because you just couldn’t. And you should save the day’s gist for the next day when you’re filling them in on what they missed.
“We talk till I fall asleep”
Lisa*, 25
We have to talk every day. In fact, every hour of the day, lol. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year, and we talk every day. We used to talk a lot more before but it reduced with work stress and the general busyness of adulting. We make up for when we can’t talk during the day by talking at night. On some days, we would be on the call for so long that I’d fall asleep.
“You’re allowed to take a day’s break if you give me notice”
Emmanuel*, 23
If you can’t call or text, except you’re quarrelling, you shouldn’t go past two days. It’s okay for one party to go a day without communicating, as long as there was prior notice, even if you just say you didn’t feel like talking that day.
“We talk everyday because my girlfriend likes it”
Isaac*, 28
I think how often you should talk is largely dependent on what your partner likes. I talk to my babe like three times a day. We chat almost all day, but if she didn’t want to, I’d be okay going a day without talking. There’s no one-size-fits-all with relationships. Your willingness to compromise is what matters.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Does love really conquer all? What’s it like for an atheist to date a religious person in Africa? These six African atheists share how they have navigated their relationships with religious partners.
1. Adilah*, Namibian
I dated a Christian woman and we made a rule at the beginning of relationships to quickly quench heated debates. But we’re not robots, so once or twice, we almost had really hectic theological debates. But we managed not to let them snowball. When we were first getting to know each other, I asked her how she saw us ever working out, considering how very strongly atheist I am, and how very strongly religious she was. I promised to drop her off at church every Saturday (she’s Seventh Day Adventist) and pick her up after. She thought it was very sweet. If she sneezed, I’d say, “God bless you,” not because I believed in this God that must bless her, or because it’s just what people say, but because she believed. When I was going through stuff, she would tell me, “I know you’ll be fine, because I pray for you to the God you don’t believe in.” Despite my nonexistent faith in God, I would be grateful.
2. Idaraesit, Nigerian
There’s no law that says atheists can’t date religious people, but it’s very weird to me. I didn’t use to care about religion before — because I don’t believe in it, obviously. But growing older, I now prefer not to date religious people, especially the ones who staunchly believe in hellfire. I once fell for a beautiful woman who was deeply religious but she kept on invalidating my worth just because I didn’t believe in her god. It messed with my self-esteem so much and it was hard to move on.
Later, I dated non-dogmatic Christians who don’t think hell exists and those who don’t go to church. These relationships were a little better but they still got weird at some point. I really hope my next relationship will be with an atheist because I feel that if I and my partner are on the same page in terms of religious beliefs, we may last longer.
3. Rita*, Zimbabwean
I prefer to date atheists as it’s better not to have someone trying to convert me or praying for my soul to be saved. But we’re in Africa and my primary target audience is small. So I typically have to make do with what I get. My last relationship was with a Nigerian Muslim guy while I was living in Cape Town — the first Muslim I ever dated and it lasted less than a month. We were fucking like rabbits but he still thought he was better than me because I don’t subscribe to Islam.
4. Fundiswa*, South African
My boyfriend and I are super together. His family loves me and everyone thinks no couple could be more perfect. I’d like to marry him but she’s a devout Christian, and I don’t believe in God at all. He has the purest heart I have ever seen but doesn’t think my heart can be truly pure unless I convert to Christianity.
It didn’t use to be a problem and we dated for two years, but now that we’re thinking of the next step, I’m considering if I should just convert for the sake of it. I don’t think religion should stand in the way of our love. But then again, I won’t mean it and I wonder if he’ll see through my insincerity. I have never been more stressed. But one thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to lose him.
5. Kwame*, Ghanaian
I’m an agnostic engaged to a Muslim but she’s not pious. I don’t know how, but I’ve started to be more open-minded about her faith. I used to love watching her pray, Then one day I joined her and it felt so peaceful, like Yoga, but even more comforting. Since then, I’ve prayed with her whenever I can, even when we’re not in the same location. She calls me and tells me she’s about to pray and I stop what I’m doing to join in. I’ve even started learning Jumat prayers little by little. and even though I don’t believe in her religion.
I still have my reservations about meeting her family, and I don’t know where this road leads, but as long as she’s in my life, I want to experience every bit of her.
6. Femi, Nigerian
I’m nonreligious and my bae is Christian. My last two relationships before this one were largely the same — they were hypocrites. They committed all the sins in the Bible but drew the line because I didn’t believe in their god. But my current significant other is more of a liberal Christian.
I feel like I’ve influenced my current partner religiously more than she’s influenced me sha. She doesn’t go to church as much as she used to, nor does she pray as regularly as before. I wake up and narcissistically thank myself for existing, so that’s not good. Anyhoo, we’ve been going strong for two years and one month and it’s been my best relationship in forever. Religion has never been a problem for us.
People are always dragging Nigerian men up and down like small generators and honestly, we’re tired of that rubbish. Every day you go online, “Nigerian men this” and “Nigerian men that”. When you really think about it, we are the most elite group of men in the world and today, we have gathered evidence necessary to prove this fact.
1. Nigerian men don’t hear word, so we won’t hear other women calling us
We barely listen to you when you speak, so what makes you think we can hear other girls trying to get our attention? Simple maths.
2. We know how to cook Indomie and boiled egg
Where else will you find men that are naturally-born chefs? No, we’re asking you o. We might not know how to make soups, swallow or even white rice, but you see this Indomie and egg thing? Omo, nobody is seeing our brake light. Once in a while, we add crayfish or fried plantain for visual effects.
3. If you’re tired, we can marry another wife to help lift your burden
Marriage is a partnership and Nigerian men are very supportive of our women. This is why whenever we begin to notice signs of stress, we make the move to bring another woman into the home. People misunderstand this and think it’s for us, but really it’s for our queens. Get you a selfless king today.
4. We are very fertile
There’s a reason why Nigeria is the most populous black nation and trust us, it’s not because Buhari is working.
5. We will buy you that creamy pasta you’re hungry for
While they say food is the way to a man’s heart, we strongly believe creamy pasta is the way to a Nigerian babe’s heart. You see that pasta you’re always craving on the interwebs? We will buy it for you. When you’re ready, call us.
6. We know how to turn on the generator and change over from NEPA
Yes, we know our ancestors were out here building huts and hunting wild animals, but have they experienced the heartbreak that comes pulling and cutting that generator rope thing? No. We do a lot these days and we don’t feel appreciated for all our hard domestic work.
7. We are tall online and offline
You know how women look tall online, but in real life they end up short? Can never be a Nigerian man. In fact, we’re even taller in person. #TallKingsUnite
8. We are men of God
You see that man you’ve been praying for? We are him and he is us. The problem is you people like looking far. Turn to your neighbour today and say, “Neighbour, will you marry me?”
9. We have home training so we won’t disgrace you
If there’s one thing you can count on us for, it’s that we’re trustworthy. Forget all the bad PR we’ve been getting on social media, those people are lying lazy Nigerian youths. You can even leave us in the midst of all the hot girls in Nigeria and we won’t do anything.
10. We have plenty money
It doesn’t matter whether it’s tech or running $1000 per plate restaurants, Nigerian men will always find a way to hustle and keep you away from poverty. We are very loaded.
11. We fine die
Have you met us? You must be a joker.
12. We know one or two things about genital meet and greet
Every day you people drag Nigerian men, but later we will jam you in traffic travelling across state lines for fornication. Give us our flowers please. We know what we’re doing in that department.
Ever found yourself in a space filled with your lover, exes and people who have seen you naked? It sometimes gets a little awkward which is why we’ve put together a list of icebreakers to help everyone relax into the possible orgy.
1.Do a roll call.
This roll call is important to know everyone is present, you need to be sure the room is actually filled with lovers, exes and everyone in that bracket. The sound of everyone saying “present” when you call their name is enough to break the ice and start an orgy.
2. Ask for a performance review.
The first question on the performance review should be, “Shey I fit fuck?” so everyone knows the kind of responses to give. You already know what to do to anyone who replies negatively. Send them out of the room and out of your life since they’ve decided to be liars.
3. Ask them to prepare a doc to share with your future partner since they know so much about you.
It doesn’t matter if one or more of the people in the room is your current partner; the fact that they’re your partner today doesn’t mean they’ll be your partner tomorrow. Make sure everyone has a doc ready to save you the stress of participating in another talking stage.
4. Spin the bottle and pick a lucky person to go home with.
When we say home, we mean home to your parents. Let the bottle decide who you get to spend the rest of your life with. You’re a catch and anyone the bottle lands on is going to be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you.
5. Start the orgy.
Of course, the orgy was going to happen, so why waste time when you can immediately get into it? Everyone is already in the room and the ice is already broken, lie down and tell everyone to take a position.
6. Tell them to start sharing testimonies.
This is totally different from the performance review o. Line them up and give them a mic to talk about how you changed their life. Make sure the mics and speakers are very loud so passersby can hear about how wonderful you are.
7. Challenge them to a dance-off.
Put a chair in the middle of the room and ask them to dance. The winner gets to claim you since you’re such a prize.
8. Call a therapist and turn it into group therapy.
Call a therapist so everyone can get things off their minds. Ofcourse, you’re only doing this because you are so benevolent and you want them to heal from what other people have done to them.
Ever wondered how the partners of really attractive people feel? We asked people how they felt being in relationships with people more attractive than them, and here’s what these seven Nigerians had to say.
Zainab, 20
I met my current girlfriend a while ago. When we met, I didn’t even think it was possible for us to date because she seemed way out of my league. When she took interest in me, I actually thought it was a joke. It’s not like I’m completely ugly, I hold my own. It’s just that she’s hot, and everyone knows it. She’s a lesbian but she pulls more men than I do, and I’m meant to be the bisexual one.
Whenever we go out, there’s always someone asking for her number or hugging her too long. I don’t usually consider myself a jealous person, but it messes with my head sometimes. She’s also extremely popular and friendly, so the stream of people surrounding her never reduce. I’ve told her about it and she assures me that she loves me, but I still can’t shake the feeling that she’d leave me for someone hotter. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem and constant projection, and I keep working on it. However, it’s not always bad. Somedays, it makes me feel good knowing I’m dating the hottest woman in the room.
Jane, 18
My ex was finer than me, and there were a lot of girls constantly following him. Instead of being jealous, it made me very proud. Everyone wanted him, and I was the only one he wanted. Plus, he never gave any of the girls any attention so I was really sure he was into me. It made me a lot more confident in myself. If a man as handsome as that could like me, then I must be a stunner.
Apart from that and having girls follow him around, dating someone hotter than me wasn’t so special. Also, our pictures always turned out amazing because I was fine and so was he. Unfortunately, the relationship ended. I went to another state and it led to us having some senseless arguments and I eventually fell out of love with him.
Adaeze, 28
My ex is way more attractive than I am. I felt so proud of myself for pulling her. Honestly, I also had some insecurities about it. Why was she with me? Did she think she was settling? However, she never made me feel less than. She may not have been very vocal about my looks but it’s because she’s just not that vocal about her thoughts and feelings.
While in NYSC, my boyfriend who was also a corper is a tall fine man I met at our place of primary assignment. Then there’s me, this fat short babe. When he asked me out, I actually wasn’t shocked or taken aback. I didn’t even think of the fact that he was more attractive than me, it wasn’t glaring. In fact, the first time I took note of the fact that he was more attractive than me was when we were having issues. Some other corper babe told me “You sef, you know a guy like that can’t really be with you.” I was stunned. Especially because the cause of our problem was the fact that he cheated on me with some drop-dead gorgeous babe. It messed with my esteem for a little while and made me think that people see me as a pity date. I think that with relationships like that, it’s mostly unsolicited opinions from third parties that stir up nonsense feelings of unworthiness.
Ahmed, 23
The first lady I got intimate with was very attractive. I must admit she was what we would colloquially say out of my league. It was very esteem boosting when we took walks and I noticed people make a double-take as we passed by. The fun part was she was my sort of freaky. She would wear clothes that made you look and with her pronounced features, she got a lot of stares. It was great while it lasted, but her boyfriend started hassling her because he suspected I was breaking her back. I do admit that back shots whilst she was on a call with him wasn’t my smartest move, but we move.
Funke, 26
Most of my partners were always more conventionally attractive than me. I felt very insecure about it, and it was something we would always talk about. Then there was the fact that people were always wanting to shoot their shot and were constantly gushing about them. It used to make me feel a little lonely, and I wanted that attention for myself. I felt like if I had that kind of attention, I wouldn’t feel jealous abut the kind they were getting. I thought that if I was getting compliments like that, it would keep me busy and I wouldn’t care about the ones they got.
There is this thing where you tend to think someone is better and more attractive than you because they are lighter or white. My partner is a white man and as a black woman, I guess a small part of me is still dealing with that inferiority complex that comes from my skin colour.
We all know that dating Nigerian women is a game of chance so here’s a guide to keep you ahead of the learning curve.
1. Lies
A liar is a thief and a thief is… you already know the rest.
2. Yahoo Yahoo
Too much jewellery on one outfit. Greeting everybody on the road with “chairman” or “boss”. Smh.
3. Dirty fingernails
What is wrong with you that you can’t wash your hands? Is that the same hand you want to chook inside me?
4. Impatience
If a Nigerian woman wanted an impatient partner, she would have just dated her mum. When she is doing her make-up, stop pacing around her — you are only making it worse.
5. Poor hygiene
Cleanliness is next to godliness and we all know how much Nigerian women love godly men.
6. Yoruba men named Tunde
If you know, you know. If you don’t know, I am happy for you. May you never be in any situation that will let you know.
7. Asking if you have eaten and when you say no, they don’t send food
I don’t understand, why did you now ask please?
8. Asking women to get on top.
The only thing we ride is okada, please. Anything that will involve riding is bad energy, let it stay far away.
9. Asking us to put things in our tiny bag
We don’t have pockets so we have to carry bags then you who has pockets will be now giving us things to keep. Why? My friend, will you put your pockets to use?
Navigating long-distance relationships can be really tough and figuring out how to involve your partner in your daily activities can also be a hard nut to crack.
Set up movie dates and sleep off during the movie. That’s what you’d have done if you were watching it physically with them anyway, so why not do it virtually too? Make sure you are on a call when the movie is on so they can hear the sound of your gentle breathing and feel like you are physically present with them.
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2. Make playlists for each other.
Making a playlist for your partner is a cheesy way to keep them thinking of you. It also lets them know the kind of music you are interested in and you guys get to share songs you both like. You can listen to the playlist together and do virtual karaoke.
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3. Virtually take each other to your favourite places.
Virtually involve your partner in your favourite things. Take them to concerts with you, to art galleries with you, even the toilet. We know this doesn’t replace orgasms, but it makes them feel close and involved and that’s also nice.
4. Get random gifts and have them delivered to your partner.
A random gift can involve a new child with the person you are sleeping with within your area code. A baby is a perfect “I saw this and thought of you”, after all, you kuku call your partner baby and a physical baby will make you feel closer to them. We all know children are a gift.
5. Reassure them that distance isn’t an issue and remind them of how much you love them.
Reassure them that even though you are sleeping with not less than 10 people in your area code, they are still the 1 for you. Let them know distance won’t make you stop loving them and many other people.
6. Buy them sex toys.
Buying them sex toys means only one person in that relationship gets to have sex with other people and you have taken up that very hard task. How are they going to love you less when they know you are doing a lot of heavy lifting?
7. Do a little prostitution to raise enough money to travel to meet up with your partner.
Emphasis on a little prostitution. The level of the prostitution must not be high enough to make you catch feelings for the person you are prostituting with, you must keep the endgame at the back of your mind. Only prostitute to raise money to meet your partner wherever they are.
I am very anti talking stage. They’re exhausting, and I’d rather have my mind read because I no longer have the energy to talk to any potential romantic partners.
Here are 7 other reasons why the talking stage should be eliminated.
1. It’s very pretentious.
People lie a lot during the talking stage. You might say you don’t do this but that itself is a lie and Jesus wants you to do better. Why do people feel like they have to lie when getting to know someone? You can’t keep it up forever. Your true colours will show eventually. The whole thing is so ghetto.
2. All the information you know about them becomes irrelevant when you guys no longer talk.
You guys stop talking and then you’re stuck with so much data about them that you don’t know what to do with. It’s so annoying.
3. Failed talking stages can leave you traumatized.
The trauma from another failed talking stage is actually a real thing, you start wondering why you keep attracting all sorts of crazy people. Even worse, you start wondering if you’re the problem, leading to a nervous breakdown.
If you need to be in a talking stage, please, keep information about you very minimal. You don’t know who’s a psycho who’ll use your data to track and harm you. Sorry, this one is a little dark, but it’s my trauma manifesting.
5. The more talking stages you get into, the more tired you become.
For real though, a talking stage is going to age you drastically. Spending so much energy talking to potential love interests can take a lot of years off your life expectancy.
6. Talking stages give off Nigerian Idol audition vibes.
If you’ve ever watched an episode of Nigerian Idol, you’ll know this isn’t a good thing. Talking stages are like auditioning to get picked by subpar people [you might be a subpar person to someone, to be honest], and that’s absolutely sickening, and not in a good way.
7. Anyone who doesn’t love you, at first sight, is not the one for you.
Ignore whatever you’ve heard in the past. Love, at first sight, is the greatest form of love. Don’t go around quoting me, though. Just take my word for it. Anyone who needs to know you deeper before falling in love with you is only in your life to waste your time. Period.
The more I think about this, the sicker I get. The Talking Stage needs to be eliminated, and it needs to be abolished now.
