coworker | Zikoko!

If your work bestie has never quit, then you’re the luckiest person in the world, because this could be your life story.

1) Nobody to cover your tracks when you fuck up at the office.

Of course you’ve fucked up. Who never fuck up? Hands in the air. The only problem is that now, when you fuck up, bestie isn’t around to lie for you and cover your tracks.

2) You end up buying your own lunch

Bestie used to buy or even cook you lunch. Who’d help you pick a food vendor or if you should buy amala or Ofada rice? Now, you have to do all of that by yourself? That’s very wrong, and the universe needs to fix the situation.

RELATED: 9 Clear Signs That Your Gen Z Coworker Likes You

3) Work is definitely less fun

What made work fun was having your bestie around. You lose the sparkle in your eye that came with going to the office and begin to feel like nothing but a slave to capitalism.

4) How will you judge all your coworkers without your bestie?

Who will you lock eyes with when someone in the office does something stupid? Who will you laugh about project failures with? Who will you gossip about other people’s salaries with? You’d be left with nobody but yourself. Be strong, this too shall pass.

5) You’re actually going to have to work

Before, you only went to the office to chat with your bestie and download with the company Wi-Fi. Now that they’re gone, you actually have to do the work they pay you for. That’s very ghetto.

RELATED: How to Date Your Coworker And Get Away With It

6) You now have to work with the people you don’t like

You partnered with your bestie for all the work projects. Now, you’re stuck working with Linda, the coworker who probably wants to use your blood for ritual.

7) You’d probably have to resign too

When work isn’t working as it used to, you might have to type your resignation letter too. If you’re lucky, your bestie’s new workplace has an opening, and you can be reunited.

RELATED: 9 Reasons You Should Fight Your Coworker

Itohan Esekheigbe

April 28, 2022

Ships

coworker, quit, Ships, work
Nothing is more painful than receiving a termination email. After an hour of crying, come back and use these 8 self-care responses.

1. “My pastor said I won’t get fired, please”

Do they want to call your pastor a liar? Hell straight! Don’t even take rubbish from them. God has plans for you and being fired is not one of them. Back to sender abeg.

2. “Okay bet”

That’s it, that’s all an email like that deserves. Let them know you were down to leave yesterday. Time to start a TikTok account where you share company secrets and earn your coins.

3. “My mother said they don’t use to fire people from my village”

Do they want to argue with your mum ni? If they don’t believe you, they should text all your uncles in the village to confirm. If they can’t do that, then they can’t fire you. Simple logic.

4. “I respectfully decline”

What can they do? Beat you? Abeg, if they want to move mad, you move madder. Go to work the next day and every week after that until they forget to remove you from payroll. This works, trust me.

5. “Add that mail to spam”

Carry on with your day. No job will stress you this year. If you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. If they have mind, they should come and tell you in person.

6. “Omg is it opposite day?”

It has to be an opposite day, but why did they choose to pretend to fire you instead of mistakenly sending you your CEO’s salary? Tell them to fix up and enjoy your day my gee.

7. “It’s your daddy that will be fired”

Don’t they have a conscience? Why do they always send it in the morning when you’ve not even eaten? Nobody will judge you if you respond with this ment for ment.

8. “Chill first, let me get back to you”

It truly can not be you they sent that email to. Do they want you to starve? How will you fund your lifestyle? They should have considered all that before sending that email. Let them chill first. You’ll reply when you are ready.

[Newsletter]

Malakai Bassey

January 20, 2022

Inside Life

coworker, Fired, Inside life, Nigerians
So, have you ever felt like you need to beat some people you work with? Well, if you were not sure which things are enough for a fight to happen, we are here for you. These are nine reasons why you should fight your coworker.

1) Meetings that could have been emails

Imagine sitting through a long ass meeting that you know very well could have been sent as an email? That is enough to declare war even. Especially if the meeting stopped you from doing all the things you had already planned for that week. Whatever that coworker sees, they should take it like that.

2) Texts after work hours

It’s as if some coworkers don’t understand the meaning of “office hours”. If they did, they won’t be sending you emails and texts at 10 pm in the night, or if they’re truly unhinged, 1 am in the morning. Tell them to pull up.

3) Their ridiculous deadlines

Some coworkers just give deadlines without factoring in if you have any other thing to do. So what if they need it by 2 pm today? Why are they telling you by 11 am? Tell them to ask their dad, please. If you have any coworkers that do this, Zikoko gives you permission to fight them.

4) Never responding to work messages on time

What makes it extra annoying is that they are the same people that if you don’t reply on time, they will pour water in hellfire and cause a commotion. These kinds of people need to actually get beaten. So, fight your coworker.

5) They order food without telling you

Imagine shouting in the office that you are hungry and then your coworker has the audacity to order food without telling you. At this point, consider them your enemy and declare war.

6) If they make you come to the office when you don’t need to

Once they put semi in front of the remote work, wahala started. A lot of people don’t understand the concept of semi-remote work. If they start demanding your presence at work for no reason, then they clearly have a problem with you only a fight can settle.

7) Slack notifications make you anxious

When the sound of your slack notification makes you anxious because you are scared they are texting, then it is time to remind yourself this person is flesh and blood. The only way to do that is through violence.

8) Always dumping extra work on you

Anyone that gives you extra work without extra pay is the person your spiritual leader keeps warning you about. Don’t take the warning lightly o. While the spiritual leader handles the spiritual, you should tackle the physical.

9) They never inform you about office changes

If you have a coworker that never informs you when important changes are made in the office then you need to off shirt and face them, adult, to adult. The winner takes all, the loser faces shame.

The important thing is that you have to win this fight. Your reputation and ours cannot spoil like that. If you want to know more on what is inside this life, please click here

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Itohan Esekheigbe

August 20, 2021

Inside Life

coworker, fight, Funny
Dating your coworker can be tricky because if it ends in tears, you might end up jobless. Here’s a guide to making sure that doesn’t happen to you.

1.Check if they wear a ring often

It is one thing to date a coworker and another thing to date someone else’s partner. If their relationship is not open, don’t go and help them open it oh. One day they will come to fight you in the office, one of you might get to keep your job and it probably won’t be you.

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2. Don’t come in at the same time

After you’ve spent “the best weekend” of your life, don’t spoil it by coming to work together. It will show on your face, it’s not something you can hide.

3. Check the office policy

If the office policy allows you to date a coworker, do it by all means. If it doesn’t, I don’t have to tell you that there are no jobs in this country. Better hold on to the one you’ve managed to find. Love can wait.

4. Don’t share clothes

No one wants to be oppressed at work and on social media too. If you are going to spend the night, carry your clothes. Don’t wear the t-shirt or shirt your partner wore to work the day before.

5. Don’t try to choose

The best thing about possibly dating a coworker is that they know just how stressful your job can get. Don’t try to choose between work and them. You’ll lose in the end.

6. Set basic rules

Like not spending too much time at work togetherr, or discussing anything about work when you get home. It makes dating a coworker easier plus rules are good.

7. Never post pictures in the same location

If your coworkers follow you on social media, don’t post pictures of each other in the same location so they don’t suspect that you are dating.

8. Don’t use the same background for zoom meetings.

When you hang out to get freaky freaky and you have a meeting, move as far away from each other as possible. If not your other co-workers will put two and two together.

9. Don’t expect to stay a secret

If that one coworker can find your secret burner account, don’t you think people won’t even figure out that you are dating a coworker? Better to tell people than for them to find out on their own.

Malakai Bassey

July 19, 2021

Ships

coworker, dating, Relationship, Ships
1. They laugh a little too hard at your jokes.

Aunty I know I’m funny but this kind laugh you dey laugh.
2. Every time you talk about your babe, they look at you like.

Sorry na, I just said she said I should greet you.
3. They’re always at your table/cubicle.

You no dey work? Wetin you dey find?
4. Anytime you pass their desk/cubicle they look at you like.

I’m not coming to meet you, I just want to pee.
5. They’re always offering you food.

Na so Eve catch Adam, my sister I’m alright.. I don chop for morning.
6. When you tell them no, they try to act like its no big deal.

They’ll try to keep smiling even though they want to jump off the roof.
7. When they see you laughing with another coworker.

They’ll act like you’re disturbing them.
8. They blush when you talk to them.

Em… I just asked for a stapler, why you dey do like crayfish?

Osaretin Tunde-Oni

April 7, 2017

Oldies

coworker, Nigeria, spouse, work
1. The lowkey alcoholic.

“It’s not vodka I’m drinking, its water”
2. The highkey alcoholic.

“Whether you know I’m drinking is for your pocket”
3. The office snitch.

“Whatever you’re doing, Oga must know”
4. The joker.

Can find something to joke about at 8am on Monday morning.
5. The one that always eats smelly food at his desk.

The whole office smells like egusi and fish because of him.
6. Oga/Aunty Turnup

Always trying to turn the office into a club. Says TGIF more than he says hello.
7. The person that’s always absent

You’ve only seen them once this year and it’s November.
8. The office DJ

“I know we have work, but you gats feel this heavy gbedu first.”
9. The office driver.

Drops the entire office on his way home.

Osaretin Tunde-Oni

November 2, 2016

Oldies

coworker, Funny, work
1. When you enter the office and see that overeager colleague approaching you.

Just don’t abeg.
2. When that colleague that lives around your side always gets to work before you.

Oshey, employee of the month.
3. When you’re getting along with your colleagues and they spoil it by inviting you out after work.

Take it easy.
4. That colleague that keeps trying to talk to you when you have your earbuds in.

Are you well?
5. You, avoiding your colleagues in public at all costs:

This 9 – 5 is enough, abeg.
6. That colleague that always tells you personal stories that leave you looking for their point like:

Well, that was a waste of my time.
7. Whenever one of them manages to find you on social media.

Is there no escaping you people?
8. Nigerian colleagues and “you’re adding weight oh!”

Thank you, weight scale.
9. You, at every single work event.

Kill me now.
10. Colleague: “I can’t come to work, I’m not feeling fine.”

We know the truth.
11. When you’re single and your colleague is constantly trying to set you up.

Is it your ‘single’?
12. When you’re sneaking out during your lunch-break so nobody asks you to help them get food.

Not today, biko.
13. When you say “come and join me” while you are eating and they actually come.

See what home training has caused?
14. When your colleague with terrible taste keeps playing their music with loudpeakers.

Later you will say you have sense.
15. You, pretending to be busy so you don’t have to walk out with anyone.

I don’t have your energy.
16. You, when they start arguing about football or politics.

Let me just face my front.
17. How your colleagues look at you when you leave the office at 5 on the dot:

Na una sabi.
18. When they ask you to “wait small” so you can give them a ride home.

See this one.

Daniel Orubo

June 15, 2016

Oldies

Africa, annoying, colleague, coworker, Hate, Nigeria, Office, work

1) Nobody to cover your tracks when you fuck up at the office.

2) You end up buying your own lunch

3) Work is definitely less fun

4) How will you judge all your coworkers without your bestie?

5) You’re actually going to have to work

6) You now have to work with the people you don’t like

7) You’d probably have to resign too

1. “My pastor said I won’t get fired, please”

2. “Okay bet”

3. “My mother said they don’t use to fire people from my village”

4. “I respectfully decline”

5. “Add that mail to spam”

6. “Omg is it opposite day?”

7. “It’s your daddy that will be fired”

8. “Chill first, let me get back to you”

1) Meetings that could have been emails

2) Texts after work hours

3) Their ridiculous deadlines

4) Never responding to work messages on time

5) They order food without telling you

6) If they make you come to the office when you don’t need to

7) Slack notifications make you anxious

8) Always dumping extra work on you

9) They never inform you about office changes

1.Check if they wear a ring often

2. Don’t come in at the same time

3. Check the office policy

4. Don’t share clothes

5. Don’t try to choose

6. Set basic rules

7. Never post pictures in the same location

8. Don’t use the same background for zoom meetings.

9. Don’t expect to stay a secret

1. They laugh a little too hard at your jokes.

2. Every time you talk about your babe, they look at you like.

3. They’re always at your table/cubicle.

4. Anytime you pass their desk/cubicle they look at you like.

5. They’re always offering you food.

6. When you tell them no, they try to act like its no big deal.

7. When they see you laughing with another coworker.

8. They blush when you talk to them.

1. The lowkey alcoholic.

2. The highkey alcoholic.

3. The office snitch.

4. The joker.

5. The one that always eats smelly food at his desk.

6. Oga/Aunty Turnup

7. The person that’s always absent

8. The office DJ

9. The office driver.

1. When you enter the office and see that overeager colleague approaching you.

2. When that colleague that lives around your side always gets to work before you.

3. When you’re getting along with your colleagues and they spoil it by inviting you out after work.

4. That colleague that keeps trying to talk to you when you have your earbuds in.

5. You, avoiding your colleagues in public at all costs:

6. That colleague that always tells you personal stories that leave you looking for their point like:

7. Whenever one of them manages to find you on social media.

8. Nigerian colleagues and “you’re adding weight oh!”

9. You, at every single work event.

10. Colleague: “I can’t come to work, I’m not feeling fine.”

11. When you’re single and your colleague is constantly trying to set you up.

12. When you’re sneaking out during your lunch-break so nobody asks you to help them get food.

13. When you say “come and join me” while you are eating and they actually come.

14. When your colleague with terrible taste keeps playing their music with loudpeakers.

15. You, pretending to be busy so you don’t have to walk out with anyone.

16. You, when they start arguing about football or politics.

17. How your colleagues look at you when you leave the office at 5 on the dot:

18. When they ask you to “wait small” so you can give them a ride home.