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We see a lot of hilarious things every day, from stolen penises to dancing senators. But one that cracks us up every time are the tricks women have devised in attempts to prevent pregnancy. Even though know they’re mostly just vibes, we’ll still talk about them
Antibiotics
This one sounds strange but we’ve heard it a few times. Word in some circles is that it “flushes” semen. Wouldn’t life be so simple if that were true? So many of Nigeria’s problems today could be easily flushed out — no names called. But it doesn’t work like that, please. Pregnancy is not typhoid.
Agbo jedi jedi
The confusion you felt when you saw that, we felt it too when we learnt about this format. We need someone to explain the connection between agbo jedi jedi and pregnancy to us because it looks like we all failed biology in school.
Walking up the stairs
People who use this method are OGs. We respect their knowledge of physics. Letting gravity do the work for you is a thing of brilliance.
Peeing immediately after sex
When you really think about it, this thing is like “2 + 2 = Jollof rice” because we all know you’re dealing with the wrong hole here.
Very soon, you people will come and say you don’t believe in jazz. What’s this one, please?
Champagne
You clearly enjoyed what you just finished doing and are now toasting to a job well done. Because why you’ll think Champagne qualifies as contraception is beyond all of us. Boya, deep down, you want twins and you’re just lying to everybody?
7Up and Garri
This is what you get when Sapa takes a human form and decides to pursue a career in pharmacy.
Actual contraceptives
These ones have seen the real price of Cerelac and are not taking any chances. Y’all be fighting to stay safe with your 7Up and garri, but these ones will stick to proven birth control methods. We salute the wisdom.
We came to the conclusion a very long time ago that the reason Nigeria is so hot is that you people are fornicating.
We’ve been begging you people to stop and you have refused. Since you insist on fornicating you might as well educate yourself on the different kinds of contraceptive options you can use to avoid unplanned pregnancies, and no it’s not just condoms and “pulling out”.
We should make it clear that although all of these contraceptive options prevent pregnancy they won’t prevent STDs and STIs so better go and get tested with the person you are fornicating with.
And this isn’t just for you fornicators. Newlyweds and married couples who are having sex at the exact time the good Lord intended but aren’t ready to have kids yet need to read this too.
Unfortunately because the science around the invention of most contraception methods is sexist all of these contraception options can only be used by women.
The good news, however, is that a lot of the side effects women have been made to believe these contraception options have, either don’t exist or are over exaggerated. But don’t take our word for it, always always talk to your doctor and your partner before deciding on the most suitable option for you.
There is the most popular option after condoms which is ‘The Pill’
The pill works by stopping ovulation. No ovulation means there is no egg to be fertilized by the sperm when you have sex, which means no belle. Here are a couple of things about the pill you should know. First of all, it won’t affect your fertility when you do decide to start having kids. Secondly, it doesn’t cause cancer. Lastly, although a handful of women might experience weight gain as a side effect of being on the pill, this is rarely the case for a majority of the women on it.
Plan B or ‘The Morning After’
Most pharmacies here in Nigeria carry the brand name – Postinor 2. For some reason, Nigerians love to turn up their nose at this but it’s really your best bet whenever you have a slip up like a condom tear or when his ‘pull out’ method fails. It’s important to note that ‘Plan B’ is an emergency contraceptive, which is not meant for daily or regular use.
IUD
IUD stands for Intrauterine Device and it’s basically a plastic and copper device put into your uterus through your vagina to prevent pregnancy. The process of inserting the IUD is a whole lot easier and painless than it sounds. Although IUDs are very unpopular amongst Nigerian women but the fact that it doesn’t mess with your hormones and lasts for years makes it a very suitable option.
The Patch
The patch works similarly to the pill by delivering hormones through your skin that’ll help prevent pregnancy, except that instead of using it daily you need to change it every week. Which in some way makes it a little more convenient than the pill.
Contraceptive Implant
Implants are two really tiny rods usually inserted on the inside of your upper arm which slowly releases progestogen into your body to prevent you from getting pregnant. It lasts from 2 to 5 years, which makes it a great long-term contraceptive option
That’s about it. If you know of any SAFE contraceptive options we left out, please let us know.
Having a baba that gives you something to drink to block pregnancy and infections doesn’t count, please.
