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clubbing | Zikoko!
  • How to Spot Fake Alcohol, According to a Connoisseur

    It’s been a long AF week, but you finally made it to the club to unwind. When it’s time to dorime, the waiter shows up with a price list of alcoholic beverages. The prices choke, but you’re already here, so you proceed to spend an average civil servant’s monthly salary on one bottle of Azul. God, abeg. 

    But here’s where it gets weird. Before you even leave the club, you start to feel funny. Your head is spinning, you can’t breathe well, and it escalates to you throwing up everywhere. While this might sound like a premature hangover, you might actually be suffering from alcohol poisoning.

    How to Spot Fake Alcohol, According to a Connoisseur

    We asked alcohol connoisseur, Ayodele Dada, for tips to help alcohol lovers and nightlife entrepreneurs avoid the latter, and he had these to share.

    Expensive doesn’t equal quality

    A reduced price will raise immediate red flags and counterfeit alcohol sellers know this. Expect them to sell that fake bottle at the same price as the original. However, it’s important not to let your guard down. This should actually propel you to do a deep check, since you’re spending a fortune. 

    Look out for the seal/cork

    Image: Vine Pair

    If it’s broken, don’t drink it. If the cork pops off too easily and doesn’t snap when you twist to open it, it’s likely not the real deal.

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    Pay attention to the branding 

    Just like Gucci becomes Bucci, Ferragamo becomes Ferragame or Adidas becomes Addadas in fashion, some fake bottles can be spotted by the name on them. Counterfeit alcohol dealers don’t care for brand-building, they want your money at the detriment of your health. So it’s important to check the carton, the bottle and the label closely. If it looks off in the slightest, it might be fake.

    Take note of the stopper

    How to Spot Fake Alcohol, According to a Connoisseur

    Image: YouTube

    If you’re keen on knowing on to spot fake alcohol, you should always pay attention to this. Most whisky and vodka bottles have stoppers to help you pour with caution. But if your drink stopper doesn’t work, then it’s fake. This isn’t even up for debate.

    The dates are important too

    How to Spot Fake Alcohol, According to a Connoisseur

    People check expiry dates on drugs, snacks and more, but forget to do the same when it comes to alcohol. Always pay attention to manufacturing and expiry dates if you want to know how to spot fake alcohol. Some counterfeit vendors buy original bottles to repackage their fake alcohol. If the dates seem too far off, you most likely have a recycled bottle on your hands.

    Ask for your drinks to be made in front of you

    You shouldn’t be far away from the bartender when he’s mixing your cocktails or pouring your shots. Go an extra mile and politely ask to check their bottles for all of the items mentioned above. Chances are the club also missed these things during their quality control checks.

    The difference is always in the taste

    Alcohol lovers know how their favourite drinks taste because there’s a consistency that can’t be shaken off. Whisky has a unique taste that differs from brand to brand. Same as vodka, tequila and so on. If you catch a difference in the taste, no matter how minute, there’s a problem.

  • Instead of Dancing, Nigerian Men Should Do These 10 Things at the Club

    As a responsible young man, you have no business being in the club, talkless of doing legwork in public.

    So if you must go to the club, here’s what you should do there. 

    Take selfies

    Instead of jumping up and down in the name of dancing, how about you do something more productive, like find your perfect angle? Or even learn how to take a proper selfie?

    Photograph your woman 

    How do you want to take unaware pictures and videos of your partner if you get carried away having fun? 

    Pray

     

    If Daniel could pray in the lion’s den, what’s small amapiano that it’d stop you. Get on your knees and thank God for rain, joy and sunshine. 

    Make up stories 

    The only thing Nigerian men like more than eating free food is telling lies. So top up your reservoir of lies because practice makes perfect.

    Get on social media 

    You have to be on guard to make sure your babe doesn’t post anything that can cause issues between you and your girlfriend.

    Build your network 

    You have to surround yourself with like-minded people. So instead of popping bottles and partying, walk up to other interesting men and strike up a conversation. Talk about your purpose, business or God even. 

    Talk about football 

    Find a group of guys and ask them, “Messi vs Ronaldo?”

    Share hoe-stories 

    Dancing may be fun, but sharing personal sex stories is even more fun. Try it and see.  

    Do a squat-off

    While the women are twerking, their men should show off their own leg strength by seeing who can do the most squats in a row.

    Fornicate

    Go to a corner of the room to have your quiet time. But This should be the last resort, after you’ve tried everything else. 


    RELATED: 17 Types of People You Will Meet at a Nigerian Club

  • How to Throw a Chaotic Good Party, According to Chiby Iwobi

    Everyone knows that Chiby Iwobi is the undisputed king of nightlife in Lagos. From South Socials to HardRock, Chiby has the whole of Lagos by the neck, sometimes literally. 

    So who better to give us tips on how to throw a sick party than the man himself?

    Long Islands that’ll have people seeing their forefathers on the dance floor

    What is a party without long island? This drink is the master of chaos because of how it shows everyone’s true colours. The best part is no one can tell when it’ll hit, so you could be acting all calm and before you know it, your inner werey has been exposed to the world and you’re in a corner texting your ex, “I miss you.” 

    Ashawo outfits

    To ensure people survive the heat, you have to make sure they pull up dressed like seduction is their first and middle name.  I’m talking ashawo shorts, shirts unbuttoned to the navel, show me your backs and spaghetti tops. If you combine all the fabric in this party, it mustn’t be more than five yards. 

    Someone feeding everyone tequila like it’s Nutri C

    Everyone who comes to my parties knows this is my job. Once you pull up, I will feed you tequila. If you’re too busy to do this yourself, make sure you have a friend pouring tequila down everyone’s throat so they can loosen up. 

    Heat and sweat 

    Are you really having fun if you’re not sweating like a conductor under Oshodi bridge traffic at 8 p.m. on a Monday evening? The heat and the sweat are a core part of party culture. Get into it. 

    People from the TL 

    A party is only as good as the conversation people are having about it on the interwebs. You need people to login to Twitter and have fomo. They should be choking and crying in a corner because they missed your party. Intense heartbreak!

    RECOMMENDED: How to Be a Feminist That Nigerian Men Love, According to Uloma

    Adventurous people and drunkards

    You can’t have a party where everyone is sober and acting normal. That is a big no-no. Everyone present must be ready to lose their home training at any fucking time!

    People looking to find love or scatter other people’s relationships

    For a party to really hit, you need a mixture of people looking to get cuffed and people looking to scatter other people’s relationships. One way or the other, cuffing will occur, and you’ll get to attend a wedding by Saturday morning. 

    Dim lights so people can’t tell their exes from their current baes

    One minute you’re dancing with the love of your life, and the next thing, you’re receiving a lap dance from your university ex or that sneaky link whose number you saved as “Edible Catering”. You can blame the lights all you want, but the heart wants what it wants. 

    Speed dating with tech bros 

    Everyone is looking for a tech bro these days, so imagine a party where you have tech bros and people looking to date tech bros? 

    DJ Tohbad in the dj booth tearing shit up 

    I have the baddest DJ in Lagos, so please find yours. That’s all I can say. 

    ALSO READ: I Never Saw Myself As the Head of Anything — Man Like Chiby Iwobi

  • 1. When you’re trying to enter a club but your baby face is blocking your joy

    Is it now a crime to look like a baby girl?

    2. When you now have to bribe the bouncers to let you in

    Just take it and let me enter, abeg.

    3. You, when you see hot babes walking in without wahala

    What an insult! What a betray!

    4. When you now finally enter, you’re like

    One-in-town babe.

    5. When annoying people won’t let you dance in peace and keep bringing their sweaty bodies to your side

    Please, just gerrarahia.

    6. You, when you thought the music couldn’t be louder but the DJ proves you wrong

    Shebi you want to spoil my ear drums? Carry on.

    7. When you ask for a drink and they call one ridiculous price

    There’s water at home sha.

    What’s clubbing in Nigeria really like?

  • 1. After a long and difficult week of work, the weekend is here!

    2. Now all you want to do is chill and sleep.

    3. But your friends are sending messages and calling you, to find out where the party at!

    4. So to help you avoid the stress and expenses of a night out, here are a few excuses.

    5. “Today is the anniversary of my great grandmother’s call to glory so I want to spend it in contemplative silence”.

    6. “My financial status is currently unable to tally with your expectations this glorious evening”.

    7. “My doctor said I need to stay at home and rest every third Friday of the month”.

    8. “My mother said she had a dream and I can’t move around this night oh, better safe than sorry!”

    9. “Oh I have a lot of work to catch up on”.

    10. Or you can just ignore their phone calls and messages and claim your phone was faulty!

  • 14 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Gone Clubbing At Quilox

    1. When that friend that never drops money comes on Friday to ask if there is turn up.

    See this one.

    2. When you get to Quilox and the bouncer says the place is full because celebs are around.

    Hay God!

    3. Your face, when a bouncer slaps one of your guys.

    Someone cannot play with you again?

    4. You, showing your guys the best part of the fence to jump in from.

    We must do this turn up.

    5. When they finally let you and your squad enter.

    Yes Lord!

    6. When you hear how much they are selling Rosé but you still act like you’re considering it.

    Just wait first.

    7. When you see the babe you came with rocking Iyanya upstairs in VIP.

    Is this my life?

    8. You and your guys, scanning the area for all the fine babes.

    Let’s plan this thing.

    9. You, when some idiots start breaking bottle and fighting.

    Na wa! Just like that?

    10. When your squad is managing 2 bottles of Henny and you see some Yahoo boys popping basins of Moët.

    Allow us be great, abeg.

    11. When you see your bill after ordering just 3 plates of snail.

    Are you mad?

    12. You, trying to price Olosho.

    How much last?

    13. When you and your guys see the person that sold you fake Henny.

    See the bastard.

    14. When you get home and finally see what Quilox did to your account balance.

    Hay God!
  • 17 Types of People You Will Meet at a Nigerian Club

    If you’ve ever been to a club anywhere in Nigeria, we bet you must have seen all these people. They are always there trust us.

    1. The People Begging The Bouncer To Enter

    They never want to pay to enter, once they are outside the club “Dj consequence baby, me and my twelve friends are trying to get in the club. Could you come get us?”

    2. The People That Skip Lines

    These are the main people/squads in town, they know everyone. What is a line? The bouncers have been settled well before their arrival.

    3. The Ones That Greet Everybody

    They are in the club to say “how far” to every single person in the club. Nothing else. “HAYYY MY GUY HOW FAR NOW?”

    4. The Perchers

    Buy your own drinks? No. Buy your own hookah? No. Buy your own bottles? No. Perch on someone’s table? Snapchat with someone’s bottles/drinks? Beg for hookah pipe? All Yes!

    5. The Happening Squad

    They are always in one corner of the club doing their own thing hailing each other.

    6. The DJ Khaleds

    Their motto is if it wasn’t on snapchat, it did not happen. Everything. Goes. On. It.

    7. The Crew

    Yeah, you guessed right. You can’t sit or stand with them.

    8. The Bottle Poppers

    These are the siren and fireworks people. If they don’t blow the siren for them about ten times, they haven’t gone to the club. Stress.

    9. The Single Ladies Squad

    They have their own section, table, bottles etc. They came to show off. No do not try to talk to them. They also came to snub every single male advance.

    10. The Hunters

    “Excuse me lady, can I speak to you for a moment”. All the time this is their favorite line. No chill always thirsty. Uncle enjoy the music small too now.

    11. The Photoshoot Models

    They are always ready for every photo. Every and any. You can’t catch them looking bad in any of the 1000 photos taken at the club.

    12. The Chimneys

    Cigarettes, hookah and any other thing. They never hesitate to be an exhaust pipe in your face. Okay thank you carry your lung cancer and shift.

    13. The Dance Competition People

    They are here for a Dance Off. If you aren’t careful you might lose a tooth dancing close to them. They are probably using it to make up for not going to the gym earlier,

    14. The Phone Addicts

    These set of people never take their eyes of their phones at any point. They should have just brought their chargers and WiFi devices and a bed so we know they are for real,

    15. The Big Daddies

    These are the older generation, they are always at some section of the doing the point-and-kill. “Heyss see that babe over there call her for me”.

    16. The horrible dressers

    These people come to the club trying to impress everyone but… They should have just stayed home.

    17. The ones who don’t know what they are doing neither do we

    See, we too we don’t understand.

  • All the Things You Experience When You Go Clubbing in Lagos

    It’s Friday Night.

    Time to put on your dancing shoes and hit the town.

    Then you get a text “Don’t forget there is vigil this this evening”.

    Ah ah mummy. Vigil ke?  These church people sef.
    Wasn’t there vigil last week?

    So you think of a way to wriggle out of this one.

    And when you get home start giving your mum some sweet tales.

    While your siblings are looking at you like

    Ah you can liiiieeeee!

    Your mum finally lets you off the hook with

    While one sibling is busy chatting like

    Who asked you? Bad belle.

    So you go and gather your best baffs.

    They ain’t never seen nothing like this.

    And sneak out of the house like an armed robber.

    You and your friends arrive looking sweet!

    Abeg you wan try?

    Only for the bouncer to say it’s full.

    My friend do you know what I did to get here? Better open this place.

    After small wash, he allows you in and you enter the place with style.

    Only for you to see your ex with that babe he said was his cousin.

    But wait…

    Then you remember you don’t care because you are better.

    You look to the left and see your crush.

    Well… Hello fine boy.

    You look to the left and see his girlfriend.

    When will I finally win?

    Then you remember what you and your friends came for once you hear “It’s Young John ..”

    Give them!

    *Bado sneh!* Show them!

    And your personal favourite “aruba”.

    Finish them!

    Even though at the end of the night you smell like cigarette smoke and you’ve danced your makeup off and you’ve spent too much money, you feel fulfilled after a Lagos night out and are ready to do it again next week.

    Written by Zikoko contributor @jollz.