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Funmbi* talks about her relationship with James*, the incidents that led to their breakup, and the possibility of getting back with the love of her life.
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This is Funmbi’s* story, as told to Chioma.
I met James* on Tinder in 2021. He was sweet and hilarious, so we exchanged contacts and started talking, but it all fizzled out after a while.
One night, I was ranting on my WhatsApp status, and he reached out to check on me. He called me again the following day, and we spoke for about two hours. Before it ended, he gave me a gig. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me that month.
After that, we just continued talking to each other. He was smart and kind, and the next thing I knew, I was convincing myself that my school in Ilorin wasn’t even that far from Lagos, where he was, and long-distance relationships weren’t that bad. I knew he wanted to ask me out, and he was just waiting for the right moment, but I didn’t have the patience for that, so two weeks later, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
Our relationship was great. He was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and we had this communication rule to make sure the long distance didn’t affect us as much, but I knew something would go wrong. I assumed the worst and hatched a plan for when it happened. So I already thought of the worst thing—him cheating—and then I told myself that he was probably already doing it.
I wasn’t wrong.
James and I were heavy on communication, calls, texts, notes by pigeon. As long as we got to speak to each other constantly, we would do it. Two months into our relationship, I started noticing a communication gap. He would disappear for hours and come back without explanation, so one day, I decided to go to Lagos and see what was happening. I had an event to attend, I had cash, and all this man had to do was pick me up from my friend’s place and take me to his house. We needed to talk, and most importantly, we needed to have sex.
I waited all day for James to show up, but he didn’t. I was livid. I had travelled from Illorin to see him, but he couldn’t drive from Ajah to Lekki to pick me up. I wanted to be petty. I wanted to do something to spite him, so I had sex with the friend I was staying with.
I swear, it didn’t mean anything. To me, sex isn’t such a big deal. I mean, it is, but only when you attach meaning to it, and as far as I was concerned, sex outside a relationship was as meaningless as it came.
I think that’s why I was able to forgive him when he finally confessed to cheating on me the first time.
He came to pick me up from that friend’s house, and after we spoke about the communication gap in our relationship, he confessed. I forgave him after a couple hours because, well, I did just cheat on him, too, but I still loved him, and I already knew he was cheating. He lived in Lagos. We were doing long distance. He gets horny at least twice a week, and he’s a hot guy. There’s too much fish in the river for him not to be tempted.
I didn’t want to lose him, and I had a feeling it would happen again because how do you ask a man to stay celibate because of long distance? In Lagos? It’s like begging water and oil to mix. It’s like trying to say Tinubu should approve a ₦400k minimum wage. It won’t work.
I suggested we open up our relationship. We would still love each other and be together, but we could sleep with whomever we pleased and talk about it. He went ballistic and said he didn’t want that. I think his ego couldn’t handle the thought of someone else touching me. Instead of opening up our relationship, he decided we would take a break and try to sort out our issues. I was fine with that, and then I found out he used that time to cheat again. I gave up after that, and we broke up.
It’s been a year since we broke up, and we’ve built a really good friendship.
The friendship is golden.
He japa’d last August and has been trying to get me to move. That’s a more complicated discussion. But I still love him a lot, and I know it’s mutual to some extent.
Want to know something crazy? If he asks me to give it another shot, even with him thousands of miles away, I just might say yes.
It’s one thing to find out your partner shares their genitals around town like a blunt at a party. It’s another thing to find out your friend’s partner is doing the same. But what do you do this time? Do you tell them, keep it to yourself, or take matters into your own hands and tell them to square up on the Third Mainland Bridge?
You don’t have to make this decision on your own. Here’s what you should do.
Consider how close you and your friend are
We’re not telling you to repay evil with evil, but think long and hard about this friendship. Would they give you the last slice of pizza just because? Would they fight for you? Would they call you a jealous witch, ask you to get out of their sight, and then report you to their philandering partner? Think about it.
Ignore the situation
If you live in Nigeria, there are already a million and one things you could pour your time and attention into. Someone else’s relationship doesn’t have to be one of them. So consider ignoring the entire situation; focus more on how your village people and internet provider are conspiring to frustrate you out of a job.
Get proof they’re a cheat
We understand that, like goats, some people are stubborn AF. So, if you’re going to tell your friend that their partner is community property, at least do it with evidence before they call you everything but the name your mother gave you.
Psst! Where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
Ignore the cheat
It might be tempting to confront and punch them in the face but don’t do it. They’ll take it to your friend and lie their ass off before you even get to tell on their cheating ass.
Don’t ignore the cheat
After showing your friend the evidence you’ve gathered about how their partner wines and dines with Lucifer, consider spraying “cheat” in big, bold letters on their car. Public embarrassment for publicly embarrassing your friend doesn’t sound bad.
Drop hints
If you don’t know how to tell your friend that they’re in a loveless relationship with the weapon fashioned against them, consider doing it with a billboard. Put “Mmesoma, your partner is a roaring cheat with no self-control” on a billboard and hope they get the message.
Consider doing it anonymously
Buy a new sim card or open a burner account on Instagram and tell them the truth, complete with evidence (before they cuss you and your good heart out). Now you can rest; you’ve done your part.
Your journey is long, so you need to take inspiration from the greats that have come before you.
Know why you’re doing it
Are you bored? Do you want money? Better sex? Or do you just not have sense? Whatever it is, at least know why so when your partner catches you, you won’t blame the devil.
Gauge how wicked you want to be
Know how far you’re willing to go with your infidelity. We’re big advocates of punching above your weight, so we’ll advise you to put in your best.
Stay focused
Don’t get distracted by guilt, because you don’t need it. Clearly, your conscience isn’t in the front seat here, it’s probably not even in the car. Why let it distract you?
Do normal, don’t be extra sweet after cheating
This is how people get caught. There’s a chance that you’ll feel the need to send random “I love you so much” texts to your partner to ease the guilt. Don’t. Carry your cross in peace.
When you’re caught, say it’s the devil’s work
Of course, the devil put you naked in bed with “a friend”.
And don’t mention Zikoko’s name
What’s our own in this, please? We respect your relationship only as much as you do. We’ll deny you if you mention our name.
We already know love is a scam and breakfast is flying ear and dear, but if you have coconut head and still went to enter relationship, these tests will prove your lover isn’t cheating.
You’ve been noticing a change in your partner’s behaviour lately
You’ve asked many times, but they just say it’s nothing and they’re just tired.
My dia, they’re cheating!
We know we’re right, but if you’re still in doubt?
Check their phone
If you’re scared of checking your partner’s phone, then you probably already know the truth. Just open their WhatsApp and search for the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and read through all the conversations you’ve been mentioned. You’ll either find them singing your praises or straight-up denying you.
Check their best friend’s phone
Finding nothing incriminating in your lover’s phone doesn’t exonerate them. It could just mean they’re careful and don’t leave any evidence of their cheating. Go on to their bestie’s phone. If there’s anyone who knows the secrets, it’ll be them.
Post a picture of you and your lover online and tag them
Why waste time doing any investigation when Nigerians can do it for you. Post a cute picture of you guys with a caption about how there’s no one like them in the whole wide world. Make sure this post is on Twitter, and wait for the bad belles. If they’re cheating, someone will expose them with receipts.
Ask for their bank statement
If they’re cheating, there’s going to be a money trail. Check their expenses against the information they gave you. They said they were working late last Wednesday, but you’re seeing a debit of ₦25k on the Island at 10 p.m ?
Tell them you want a break
They’ll either be relieved because they can now cheat in peace and blame it on the break. Or they’ll act upset because they think you want to go and cheat too.
Surprise them at their office
Maybe they’re not lying about spending all their time at work. But it could be because they’re having an affair with their office husband or wife. Show up unannounced and shock them.
Ask them to try a different barber
If a man agrees to cheat on his barber, he’s definitely cheating on you. And yes, same applies to your girlfriend trying a different salon.
Accuse them of cheating
If they get angry, they’re 100% cheating. If they start laughing and make jokes about it? They’re not just cheating; they’re planning their marriage behind your back.
Ask them to swear
Simple and effective. Ask your partner to swear on their football team, expensive weave or new iPhone, and watch them crumble in defeat.
Send them tweets about cheating partners
They say a clear conscience fears no accusation, right? Start forwarding all the gists you see about cheating partners to them to get their take.
There are times when you see things that other people have that you like and want. Sometimes, what you want is somebody else’s boyfriend. Here are the pros and cons of doing that first.
Pro: You can enjoy his money with no feelings attached
You can finish his money without feeling guilty. You’re not his partner, so you don’t have to worry about his future or the future of your relationship. If he can’t afford to pay rent, it doesn’t affect you because you’re not the one that’ll end up with him. Spend that man’s money with your full chest.
Con: They will beat you
See ehn, if by any chance you’re caught, they will beat you shege and disgrace you. You may end up in the ICU. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Pro: You get to fornicate with other people without guilt
He’s not your boyfriend, so no commitment. That means you can fornicate with as many people as you want without feeling guilty. If he begins to complain, tell him he should go and meet his babe and not stress you.
Con: You can’t complain if they cheat
As you’re doing your own, just know that he can do his own too. Because he’s cheating with you doesn’t mean that you’re the only one. And you’re in no position to get jealous or upset because he’s not your man.
Pro: You get a boyfriend
You may get some of the perks of having a boyfriend, such as dates, cute messages, gifts, etc. At the same time, you don’t have to do the duties that a partner would, such as family visits, being friends with his friends or worrying too much about fighting.
Con: You have to hide
You may have to travel to FESTAC to find a decent place to spend time together, where the original person that owns the man, won’t catch you. If you go anywhere public, friends of his partner or the actual partner may see you. And kasala might burst.
His actual partner has everything covered. In terms of gifts, intentional communication, quality time, etc. You don’t have to make too much of an effort; somebody is already doing all the hard work. Just show up, collect what you want to collect, and go.
When he’s upset about something that happened with his partner, he’ll come to you for comfort. Added to that comfort, is fornication. After all, I’m-upset-and-I-need-someone-to-talk-to knacks is the second-best type of sex after we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this sex.
Con: You’re always a shoulder to cry on
On the flip side, every time he and his partner fight, he’ll come and cry and whine to you, and that’s not what you signed up for. You’re not there to help him sort out his relationship issues.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: How Another Woman Almost Ruined Us
*Ginika, 25, and *Jude, 28, have known each other since 2017 and been in a relationship since 2018. For today’s Love Life, they talk about handling infidelity in their relationship and reaching a compromise in their disagreements.
What’s your earliest memory of your partner?
Ginika: We met for the first time in October 2017 at a weekly church service in school. He came to church without a Bible, took mine and said, “I forgot my Bible, so I’m going to use yours.” All I could think about was this man has audacity oh.
Jude: I was just looking for trouble. Prior to that day, I had never met her before. I practically colonised her Bible.
Ginika: For some reason, I didn’t get angry or anything and I don’t know why. There was just something about him.
It seems like you were smitten. How did things progress?
Ginika: This was his first time meeting me and he had so much guts. It definitely caught my attention.
Jude: Funny enough, in the next service, we found ourselves sitting together again and this time, I took her phone.
What in the thievery is going on here, Jude?
It wasn’t oh. I asked and she gave me. There was consent. That particular day, we came earlier for the service, and she wanted to step out. So I collected her phone and asked her to unlock it. She did it, and I had the phone with me that entire evening.
Ginika, did his request freak you out?
No. I was really cool about the whole thing. I gave a complete stranger my phone and I wasn’t even bothered about it.
Damn. So, how did you guys become a couple?
Ginika: This is my favourite part of our story. The church was about to elect new executives. Jude got nominated, I didn’t, so I decided to travel back to Lagos for Christmas. This was in 2017. I found out he was made the music director. I love men who can sing so I quickly hit him up on Facebook to congratulate him. We started talking on the phone and chatting almost every day.
By now, would you say you had a crush on him?
Ginika: Sort of, yes. Although, I had joined a dating site because I didn’t think we would end up together.
Jude: Oh, I remember this. After I got elected and she congratulated me, we became friends. One day while chatting, she asked me to follow one page like that on Instagram. I did, but when I asked her what the page was for, she refused to tell me.
It was much later she told me it was a dating site. So, I jokingly asked if she would date me if I asked. She said she would and somehow, our conversations became deeper and more meaningful. We decided to give dating a chance when we resumed school.
Aww, this is so cute.
Jude: Yes, but we quarrelled a lot back then. We were so different from each other.
Ginika: Omo. Even just as friends, we had so many fights.
Tell me one.
Ginika: Lol. You really don’t want to know.
Please, dear, I really do.
Ginika: Okay. One time, I called him and he didn’t pick up.
Jude: When she called later and I picked, she changed it for me oh.
Ginika: Yes oh. I started shouting and we weren’t even dating officially then.
Ginika, Why this?
Ginika: I don’t even know. I was just very angry at him.
So, most of your major fights happened in 2017, before you officially started dating?
Jude: We agreed to date in school during the Christmas holidays. When she resumed in January, we spent a lot of time together and I asked her out on the 22nd of January, 2018.
Ginika: He came to my house and asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop the fighting.
Tell me about your first notable relationship fight.
Ginika: Let Jude use his mouth and tell you what happened.
Jude: LMAO. There was this other girl I got close to. As music director in the school chapel, there were lots of girls who wanted to get close to me. However, one got really close to the point that things got out of hand. I personally found it difficult to control the situation. Ginika and I had a fight over it, but I am happy we got over it.
Oh? This tea is too vague. I need details.
Jude: LMAO.
Ginika: I will take over from here. So, there was this girl that came to church and next thing, it was as if I was sharing my man. I know Jude tried hard to control things but for some reason, she got closer to him. I did something I didn’t think I could ever do. I went to her house to meet her and guess what she said to me.
OMG. What did she say?
Ginika: She said, “Maybe there’s something I am doing that you’re not.” My eyes became red from all the tears I cried.
Did you tell Jude?
Ginika: I did, and he took her side. I left his house angrily after he said she had a hold over him. He didn’t see anything wrong in what was happening.
HE SAID THAT?
Ginika: No, but he said some mean things sha. He didn’t have any argument, but I remember him saying something about her being the side chick. Jesus, my heart broke that day.
Wait, what?
Ginika: Yes. I remember one time she called at night and heard my voice. Jude told her I was his neighbour.
Hold up. So, while you guys were in a relationship, he had a side thing?
Ginika: Sort of.
Jude, please, say something. Anything.
Jude: I think I gave her so much of me.
Ginika: Yes. A whole lot of you if we are being honest. The weird thing is, the babe has the same surname as myself and her birthday is a day before mine.
Jude: It was so bad. At some point, she started blackmailing me and I knew I had to do something about it.
Giniki: It was because she started blackmailing him that I found out a lot of things.
Jude: The girl was aware that as a music director, I had so much to lose.
How did she blackmail you?
Jude: She wanted me to choose. It was either her or nothing. She even threatened me with our chats. That she had all of it saved.
Ginika: She had intentions to report him to the church.
Jude: She kept hammering on exposing our chats. Although she said she was just joking and wanted to see my reaction, I didn’t want to take any chances so I got her phone and erased our chats and texts.
Ginika: I helped him.
You did what now?
Jude: Yes. Ginika was instrumental in all this. She got my assistant involved and that one’s head is hot. My assistant and Ginika confronted the girl and warned her to stay clear of me.
Ginika: I tried getting her phone just to make sure there was no evidence. I didn’t want any scandal attached to him because of how much I loved him.
Wow. How did you guys get through that?
Jude: I apologised and promised that nothing like that would never happen again.
Ginika: It was a rough period for both of us. I didn’t even believe we would make it through but yes, I forgave him. I can’t explain how we moved past it but I know I prayed for a lot of healing.
Jude: It wasn’t easy looking at her every day and knowing that I had hurt her. She made it easy for me because where do I begin to atone for what I did to her?
So, what has the progression of your love life been since then?
Jude: We really showed progress after school. To an extent, when we were in school, I didn’t see a future with her, I thought it was just a school thing.
Ginika: Same. After school, things became easier. We were more committed to each other and I changed cities for him. I moved from Lagos to Port Harcourt for us be closer. I don’t believe in long-distance relationships.
Do you guys live together?
Ginika: No, we don’t. It’s just easier to be in the same state with him.
How often do you guys see each other?
Jude: Virtually every weekend.
Ginika: Yes. We attend the same church.
Are your families aware of this relationship?
Ginika: Very aware. I met his family first and then he met my dad in December 2019 when he came to my hometown. Things went pretty well considering that they initially didn’t think we were serious about each other.
Why not?
Jude: I think they wanted to know how committed we were to the relationship. We had just finished school then so they thought it was a school affair.
Ginika: I think they didn’t know me too well.
So, y’all getting engaged soon?
Jude: Yeah, but I don’t want to say too much on this so I don’t reveal my plans to her.
Ginika: LMAO.
Is there something that is still a problem in this relationship?
Ginika: I worry a lot and I’m impatient. Jude might have other answers.
Jude: I am very strict when it comes to spending and she’s not, but she has gotten better. I find also that our priorities have changed. We argue over them sometimes, but we always try to reach an agreement.
Ginika: Like my love for short dresses.
Jude: I don’t like dresses that are too short.
So, what’s the compromise?
Ginika: I can wear short dresses but not too short.
Okay, guys. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10
Ginika: I’d rate it a 9. It’s been great. We have our little fights here and there, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. In my next life I would still pick him. I look forward to forever with him.
Jude: I’d rate it a 9. Our relationship has been amazing and I have never felt this way about anyone before. I want to spend every day with her and I look forward to a future with her in it.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
There’s a lot of mystery surrounding why women cheat in relationships. To help broaden humanity’s scope of knowledge we decided to conduct a study using the most logical tool of all time- by simple asking the subjects.
And here’s what 7 women told us about why they cheated.
Lilian, 23: “I wanted something different”.
I just wanted something different. I was already dating my current boyfriend for a while and but we slipped into a routine that was beginning to bore me. I just wanted a different kind of sex I guess, and attention.
Jennifer, 26: “I did it to get back at my boyfriend“.
I’m not proud of it. But I did it to get back at my boyfriend because he was cheating too. And the sex turned out to be so good I couldn’t stop.
Jasmine, 25: “I just wanted to”.
I just wanted to, probably me being adventurous. But it did not end in praise sha.
Ivie, 29: “I stopped investing in one person”.
I cheat all the time because I stopped investing all my emotions in one person. It always ends in heartbreak, so why not catch fun.
Ada, 26: “I wanted to be spoiled”.
I wanted to be spoiled. My boyfriend at the time knew nothing about making a women feel special. But I loved him because he was smart and ambitious. Although sometimes it felt like he was numb to my emotions. Then I met someone else who was willing to give me the baby girl treatment. Of course I was not going to deny myself the pleasure.
Ij, 22: “Distance was taking a toll on me”.
Distance was taking a toll on me so I just found myself doing it. But i stopped before it ruined my relationship. Besides, long distance relationships are too stressful. And it hits harder if the relationship did not start as one.
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