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Funmbi* talks about her relationship with James*, the incidents that led to their breakup, and the possibility of getting back with the love of her life.
Image created with Starryai
This is Funmbi’s* story, as told to Chioma.
I met James* on Tinder in 2021. He was sweet and hilarious, so we exchanged contacts and started talking, but it all fizzled out after a while.
One night, I was ranting on my WhatsApp status, and he reached out to check on me. He called me again the following day, and we spoke for about two hours. Before it ended, he gave me a gig. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me that month.
After that, we just continued talking to each other. He was smart and kind, and the next thing I knew, I was convincing myself that my school in Ilorin wasn’t even that far from Lagos, where he was, and long-distance relationships weren’t that bad. I knew he wanted to ask me out, and he was just waiting for the right moment, but I didn’t have the patience for that, so two weeks later, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
Our relationship was great. He was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and we had this communication rule to make sure the long distance didn’t affect us as much, but I knew something would go wrong. I assumed the worst and hatched a plan for when it happened. So I already thought of the worst thing—him cheating—and then I told myself that he was probably already doing it.
I wasn’t wrong.
James and I were heavy on communication, calls, texts, notes by pigeon. As long as we got to speak to each other constantly, we would do it. Two months into our relationship, I started noticing a communication gap. He would disappear for hours and come back without explanation, so one day, I decided to go to Lagos and see what was happening. I had an event to attend, I had cash, and all this man had to do was pick me up from my friend’s place and take me to his house. We needed to talk, and most importantly, we needed to have sex.
I waited all day for James to show up, but he didn’t. I was livid. I had travelled from Illorin to see him, but he couldn’t drive from Ajah to Lekki to pick me up. I wanted to be petty. I wanted to do something to spite him, so I had sex with the friend I was staying with.
I swear, it didn’t mean anything. To me, sex isn’t such a big deal. I mean, it is, but only when you attach meaning to it, and as far as I was concerned, sex outside a relationship was as meaningless as it came.
I think that’s why I was able to forgive him when he finally confessed to cheating on me the first time.
He came to pick me up from that friend’s house, and after we spoke about the communication gap in our relationship, he confessed. I forgave him after a couple hours because, well, I did just cheat on him, too, but I still loved him, and I already knew he was cheating. He lived in Lagos. We were doing long distance. He gets horny at least twice a week, and he’s a hot guy. There’s too much fish in the river for him not to be tempted.
I didn’t want to lose him, and I had a feeling it would happen again because how do you ask a man to stay celibate because of long distance? In Lagos? It’s like begging water and oil to mix. It’s like trying to say Tinubu should approve a ₦400k minimum wage. It won’t work.
I suggested we open up our relationship. We would still love each other and be together, but we could sleep with whomever we pleased and talk about it. He went ballistic and said he didn’t want that. I think his ego couldn’t handle the thought of someone else touching me. Instead of opening up our relationship, he decided we would take a break and try to sort out our issues. I was fine with that, and then I found out he used that time to cheat again. I gave up after that, and we broke up.
It’s been a year since we broke up, and we’ve built a really good friendship.
The friendship is golden.
He japa’d last August and has been trying to get me to move. That’s a more complicated discussion. But I still love him a lot, and I know it’s mutual to some extent.
Want to know something crazy? If he asks me to give it another shot, even with him thousands of miles away, I just might say yes.
It’s one thing to find out your partner shares their genitals around town like a blunt at a party. It’s another thing to find out your friend’s partner is doing the same. But what do you do this time? Do you tell them, keep it to yourself, or take matters into your own hands and tell them to square up on the Third Mainland Bridge?
You don’t have to make this decision on your own. Here’s what you should do.
Consider how close you and your friend are
We’re not telling you to repay evil with evil, but think long and hard about this friendship. Would they give you the last slice of pizza just because? Would they fight for you? Would they call you a jealous witch, ask you to get out of their sight, and then report you to their philandering partner? Think about it.
Ignore the situation
If you live in Nigeria, there are already a million and one things you could pour your time and attention into. Someone else’s relationship doesn’t have to be one of them. So consider ignoring the entire situation; focus more on how your village people and internet provider are conspiring to frustrate you out of a job.
Get proof they’re a cheat
We understand that, like goats, some people are stubborn AF. So, if you’re going to tell your friend that their partner is community property, at least do it with evidence before they call you everything but the name your mother gave you.
Psst! Where are our Zikoko Ships now?
Find out how three of our Ships are doing five years later:
Spoiler alert: it’s lovey-dovey
Ignore the cheat
It might be tempting to confront and punch them in the face but don’t do it. They’ll take it to your friend and lie their ass off before you even get to tell on their cheating ass.
Don’t ignore the cheat
After showing your friend the evidence you’ve gathered about how their partner wines and dines with Lucifer, consider spraying “cheat” in big, bold letters on their car. Public embarrassment for publicly embarrassing your friend doesn’t sound bad.
Drop hints
If you don’t know how to tell your friend that they’re in a loveless relationship with the weapon fashioned against them, consider doing it with a billboard. Put “Mmesoma, your partner is a roaring cheat with no self-control” on a billboard and hope they get the message.
Consider doing it anonymously
Buy a new sim card or open a burner account on Instagram and tell them the truth, complete with evidence (before they cuss you and your good heart out). Now you can rest; you’ve done your part.
Your journey is long, so you need to take inspiration from the greats that have come before you.
Know why you’re doing it
Are you bored? Do you want money? Better sex? Or do you just not have sense? Whatever it is, at least know why so when your partner catches you, you won’t blame the devil.
Gauge how wicked you want to be
Know how far you’re willing to go with your infidelity. We’re big advocates of punching above your weight, so we’ll advise you to put in your best.
Stay focused
Don’t get distracted by guilt, because you don’t need it. Clearly, your conscience isn’t in the front seat here, it’s probably not even in the car. Why let it distract you?
Do normal, don’t be extra sweet after cheating
This is how people get caught. There’s a chance that you’ll feel the need to send random “I love you so much” texts to your partner to ease the guilt. Don’t. Carry your cross in peace.
When you’re caught, say it’s the devil’s work
Of course, the devil put you naked in bed with “a friend”.
And don’t mention Zikoko’s name
What’s our own in this, please? We respect your relationship only as much as you do. We’ll deny you if you mention our name.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Tell me about first impressions
Jane: We met in law school in February 2020. We stayed in one of co-ed hostels in Lagos. Jay’s room was across from mine, and I’d befriended his roommate before I actually started talking to him.
Jay: In law school, we were put into different groups. A mutual friend of ours was in my group; the babe introduced me to Jane as a “Brostitute” — combination of bro and prostitute.
Jane: He might look like a player, but when you take your time to get to know him, you’d see he’s the sweetest person ever.
Jay: When I met her, I couldn’t care less about her.
Jane: Wow.
Jay: I came to law school to read, not to be following women up and down. Unfortunately, the pandemic hit and we were all asked to go home for seven months. When we came back, I started talking to two women, but Jane wouldn’t stop calling me Brostitute outside. It wasn’t really good for my reputation.
Jane: I’d forgotten his actual name. I saw him at the shopping mall and wanted to say hi. So I had to call him that, and he answered me.
Jay: What reasonable person calls someone Brostitute in broad daylight?
Jane: It was night…
Jay: Doesn’t change anything.
Was that how you started talking?
Jay: Not really. As she mentioned earlier, she started talking to my roommate first, and he brought her to the room a couple of times. I didn’t understand what was going on between them, but I’m very interested in other people getting into relationships. I decided to push them together, and I did a good job. Sometimes, I’d lock them in a room in hopes that something happens. Something did happen, but they kept behaving like children, so I was the mediator. It evolved into Jane and I being study partners.
Why study partners?
Jay: Well, we technically never studied together, but she had all the past questions for the courses we were taking, and I’d come to law school to pass. I’d go to her room occasionally to share past questions and compare notes. The strange part was when she started locking me in her room with her.
Jane: Wait, don’t say it like that. I heard one of his voice notes. He’s a public speaker with a good voice; his voice was very deep and nice. I asked this man talk to me like that in real-time. He did it once, but I wanted more, so I locked him in until he did it again. There was nothing romantic about it.
Jay: Mind you, she was already dating a new guy while she was locking me inside rooms and demanding for me to speak. Because I’m a very God-fearing and respectful guy, I didn’t pursue anything with her and started talking to another girl. But Jane was ruining another woman’s chances of being with me. Whenever the girl came over, Jane would suddenly make herself available to scare her away.
Jane: I wasn’t scaring anybody away o. After our final exams, while everyone else was packing and getting ready to leave, we waited till the last day to pack. Since we were already friends, we spent a lot of time together. One day, the girl he was talking to came to the room while I was on his bed and we were watching TikToks together. When she saw us, she turned and left. Honestly, I tried to feel bad for her, but I couldn’t.
Jay: Jane and I got a lot closer after the exams ended in March 2021. We had nothing else to do, but instead of this babe to go and meet the man she was dating, she was following me everywhere. I really pity the guy.
Jane: As if you were not flirting with me. When your other friend came to hang out with us, he asked us at three different points if he should leave the room for us because the tension was a lot.
When did you both act on this tension?
Jay: I think the first time was when she asked me to teach her how to choke people in the bedroom.
Jane: No, no. It was self-defence. I was in his room, we were talking when I mentioned I was a good fighter. To prove it, I tried to choke him. He told me I wasn’t doing it right and got on top of me to show me how. It was close contact, but there was nothing sexual there for me.
Jay: I was trying to understand her motives because while we were in this room, instead of staying on different beds, she kept staying on the same bed with me. The choking for me was to figure out how far she was willing to let me go in terms of touching her.
Jane: When I’m comfortable with someone, I express it through physical touch. There was nothing romantic or sexual about it for me. I was just letting him touch me.
However, on the last day of law school, there was a bit of sexual tension between us. Jay and I were cuddled up, then he said, “Should we make out or play a game?”
Jay: I’d gotten frustrated with all the mixed signals.
Apparently, she wanted to make out with me, but she chose playing a game instead. After playing the game, she asked me if we should address the sexual tension.
Jane: I was trying to downplay how I was feeling but I was curious and wanted to shut him up. While he was talking and talking, I grabbed his face and kissed him.
But did you guys take it further?
Jay: Yes, but everything came to a grinding halt when I went to her place. Jane didn’t live in Lagos, but after law school, she got an apartment to stay for a while and invited me to stay with her. The first day I came around, her boyfriend called and asked to come over. She told him no, that she had a guest.
Jane: But were you not a guest?
Jay: While I was there, she was trying everything within her power to get me to break and make a pass towards her.
Jane: It’s not that deep.
Jay: First day I came to see her she wanted us to watch American Pie 1 and 2. Who does that?
Jane: You hadn’t seen it before. I was doing you a service.
Jay: And you barely wore any clothes.
Jane: It was my room; I was being comfortable.
Jay: And you asked that we play a game you made up, where you can do anything to me but I can’t touch you in return.
Jane: Jailer. It’s a game I like. I made him promise he won’t try to do anything with me.
Jay: Yes, but things changed when we had to go to Abuja to get called to bar. Since I didn’t do my hoe phase in law school, I decided to do it in Abuja. With clearance and the actual Call to Bar ceremony, we had to be in Abuja for about a week.
So, I went around asking my female friends if they wanted to stay with me through that period. I’d asked Jane as a joke, and she turned me down, but a week to the thing, she called to change her mind and I agreed.
Jane: He planned on keeping his own end of the promise, but I’d already forgotten about it.
Jay: The bed in our hotel room was small, and this woman had already changed into boxers and a tank top, so my strength was being tested heavily. On the first night, nothing happened because I kept to my own. The second night, I kept to myself again. She even wrestled me to the ground. I had to remind her of the promise.
Then on the third day, she told me to forget the promise and just see how things went.
And how did things go?
Jay: Well, after the Call to Bar ceremony, she asked if I wanted to make it serious. I agreed, but I was half-and-half because she was still dating this other guy. Two weeks after we started dating, she told me she broke up with the other guy.
Why did you break up with the other guy?
Jane: He’d gone to Canada and I didn’t see the point in pursuing an already failed relationship with someone that’s not even in the same country with me.
I never told him that we were breaking up because I cheated. When he found out I was dating Jay, he thought it was one of those rebound situations.
Are you scared history might repeat itself?
Jane: Yes, and so is everyone we tell the story of how we met to. All his friends think there’s a large possibility I’d do the same thing to him. But I knew deep down that the relationship with my ex wouldn’t last because we started dating during the pandemic when he’d already processed all his papers to travel. I’m not big on relationships so it’s not like I was with Jay because I was lonely in law school or anything. I have genuine feelings for him.
For a long time, I thought the same way our friends did, that I might cheat on him too. But I’d never do anything to hurt his feelings.
Even with the less-than-ideal foundation, I look back at what we have and I smile. I love him.
Jay: I’ve told her she has my permission to cheat on me. When she comes back, she should tell me about it, then we’d stop dating and start being best friends.
Jane: He’s a toxic guy, don’t mind him.
Tell me things you love about each other
Jay: She’s always doing the most. It’s rare for a lady to spend so much of her money on you. She still spends my own money, but she’s always ready to give me something too.
When I was trying to work my NYSC to Lagos state, she wanted to financially contribute even though we didn’t know if what we were paying for would work. My birthday is in a couple of days, and I’ve been begging her not to spend anything on me, but she’s probably already spent more than my entire salary on gifts.
Jane: I have.
Jay: Wonderful. She’s amazing. My favourite gifts from her are my Samsung Galaxy buds and glasses (because I’m constantly staring at my screen). She also got me a painting of myself. My parents love it so much, it’s hanging in their house.
Jane: I love buying him gifts. His ex never really did that for him, and I like that I have an opportunity to take care of him like that. I’m very attracted to his mind. He’s so intelligent, and he takes care of me. I have particular ways I like to eat food, so he orders me food I can eat.
What’s the end game for both of you?
Jane: That’s a very stressful question for me, and I don’t know how to answer it.
He’s from Kogi, and his parents love me, but I’m Igbo. His parents are not fans of Igbo people. They don’t say it to my face, but they tell him and he tells me. My dad could be convinced, but my mum was scared when I told her he’s from Kogi state. She didn’t like the idea of me dating from that part of Nigeria. Now, she asks about him just to show she cares.
We’re just basking in our love and taking one step at a time. We don’t see ourselves breaking up any time soon.
Jay: I don’t like thinking too far into the future because there are so many uncertainties. In this japa economy, it’s very unlikely Jane will be in Nigeria for long because she’s too brilliant for the trajectory this country is moving towards. My parents, on the other hand, aren’t too keen on sending another child out of the country because the last one they sent, they never heard from him again.
But rather than endangering the entire relationship based on these variables, we’re choosing to just enjoy each other’s company.
On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?
Jane: 8. There are uncertainties, but we’re in a good place.
Jay: Before we did this interview, we planned an answer to this question. We planned to say 5.
Jane: I’m sorry, I forgot.
Jay: Our relationship didn’t start on the best note, and there are certain sides of us that aren’t compatible. So it was supposed to be my five and her five to make it whole, but she didn’t stick to that.
Now, I’ll give it a 7. We need God’s grace and time. I don’t think the relationship can be considered a 10 because it hasn’t lasted long enough. It needs to weather the storms and be used as a model for other people’s relationships. Till we get there, we’re at a 7.
We already know love is a scam and breakfast is flying ear and dear, but if you have coconut head and still went to enter relationship, these tests will prove your lover isn’t cheating.
You’ve been noticing a change in your partner’s behaviour lately
You’ve asked many times, but they just say it’s nothing and they’re just tired.
My dia, they’re cheating!
We know we’re right, but if you’re still in doubt?
Check their phone
If you’re scared of checking your partner’s phone, then you probably already know the truth. Just open their WhatsApp and search for the word “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, and read through all the conversations you’ve been mentioned. You’ll either find them singing your praises or straight-up denying you.
Check their best friend’s phone
Finding nothing incriminating in your lover’s phone doesn’t exonerate them. It could just mean they’re careful and don’t leave any evidence of their cheating. Go on to their bestie’s phone. If there’s anyone who knows the secrets, it’ll be them.
Post a picture of you and your lover online and tag them
Why waste time doing any investigation when Nigerians can do it for you. Post a cute picture of you guys with a caption about how there’s no one like them in the whole wide world. Make sure this post is on Twitter, and wait for the bad belles. If they’re cheating, someone will expose them with receipts.
Ask for their bank statement
If they’re cheating, there’s going to be a money trail. Check their expenses against the information they gave you. They said they were working late last Wednesday, but you’re seeing a debit of ₦25k on the Island at 10 p.m ?
Tell them you want a break
They’ll either be relieved because they can now cheat in peace and blame it on the break. Or they’ll act upset because they think you want to go and cheat too.
Surprise them at their office
Maybe they’re not lying about spending all their time at work. But it could be because they’re having an affair with their office husband or wife. Show up unannounced and shock them.
Ask them to try a different barber
If a man agrees to cheat on his barber, he’s definitely cheating on you. And yes, same applies to your girlfriend trying a different salon.
Accuse them of cheating
If they get angry, they’re 100% cheating. If they start laughing and make jokes about it? They’re not just cheating; they’re planning their marriage behind your back.
Ask them to swear
Simple and effective. Ask your partner to swear on their football team, expensive weave or new iPhone, and watch them crumble in defeat.
Send them tweets about cheating partners
They say a clear conscience fears no accusation, right? Start forwarding all the gists you see about cheating partners to them to get their take.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Oba, 26, and Precious, 27, have been dating for four years. This week on Love Life, they talk about meeting on a group chat, falling into a relationship even though they were dating other people and the one incident that almost broke them.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Oba: In April 2018, we were on the same WhatsApp group for queer women, and we were both admins. We met when the group hung out for the first time.
Precious: I was late for the hangout because of traffic. When I saw her at the thing, I thought she looked nice.
Oba: Me, I felt an attraction towards her. We went to buy suya for the hangout, and while we were together, I caught a glimpse of her ass. It looked soft and thick, and I liked it. When I like something, I chase it.
Tell me about the chase
Oba: It started at the party. We were playing games, and they asked who I liked in the group. I said I liked her.
Precious: I was shocked because she’d never shown any interest until that moment. I indulged her, and we talked that night.
Oba: But then, she tried to disappear on me. I called her the next day and tried to set up a hangout for just the two of us, but she wasn’t having it.
Why Precious?
Precious: It was odd. We’d been in the group for about a month, and we’d never spoken to each other directly. Plus, she was involved with someone else in the group, and so was I. Yet, there she was saying she had feelings for me.
Wait, what of your partners at the time?
Oba: They weren’t in the room.
Precious: Me, I thought it was too fast, and I wasn’t really interested at that time.
What changed?
Precious: She kept applying pressure. She called and texted me often. She’d send me pictures of herself from work. I appreciated that she’d still try to talk to me late in the night on her way back from work. By the time she got home around 11 p.m., we’d still be talking.
We discussed everything on those phone calls. She knew things I’d normally tell my closest friend. That’s how we became inseparable, and the next thing I knew, we were dating.
Hol’ up. How did dating enter the picture?
Oba: No one asked anyone out. Our relationship just started.
Precious: Yup. After talking for a few months, I told her I loved her, but this babe didn’t say it back. I felt embarrassed, and I started withdrawing from her.
Oba: I really liked her, but it wasn’t love at the time. When she said she loved me, I didn’t want things to get complicated. We were enjoying each other’s company and “I love you” felt like I had to make a decision.,
But when she started to push me away, I realised how much I wanted her. She wasn’t calling me as often or replying my texts as fast as she used to. We talked about it, and I decided to let go of the thing I had with the other person.
Precious: I wish I could say it was that easy to just start our own relationship but things became complicated after that.I lost my job and was breaking up with someone I’d been with for years. That same month, I lost my dad. I was going through a lot and needed to be alone, but I still wanted Oba.
Oba: I, on the other hand, wasn’t ready. I was still in a relationship with my ex.
But you liked Precious?
Oba: Yes. My relationship with my ex wasn’t smooth. She’d hurt me, but I was choosing to stay until I met Precious and fell in love with her. When I decided I would break up with my ex, I went to see Precious. But while I was with her, I realised I couldn’t just let go of my ex. I still wanted her in my life. At the same time, I wanted Precious too. It felt like my heart was being torn apart. I told Precious this.
How did you take it, Precious?
Precious: I had a lot on my plate with the loss of my job and my dad. But I knew I was in love with Oba and I enjoyed her as a friend. When I needed to start my business, she helped me design a logo, and she’s so smart — she’s always suggesting things I could do — but at the time, I knew I couldn’t keep her. I wanted her to be happy, so I encouraged her to go to her ex, and she did.
Oba: I’d never met anyone that selfless. I loved that she was willing to let me go. I took the next bus to Abuja to see my ex. On the way there, I saw that Precious had blocked me. Omo, it was hell. My ex became suspicious, and I kept denying I was cheating on her. Eventually, she called off the relationship because she could tell I was distracted. I took some time before reaching out to Precious again.
What was reaching out like?
Precious: First of all, we talked about everything. I didn’t want a relationship with residual issues, so we made a promise to not cheat in the relationship we were starting with each other, knowing our history. We also needed boundaries with our exes. I knew that she’d do anything for her but I was now fully in the picture and I didn’t want the kind of drama that came with exes. After we settled that, we started dating for real. This was in June 2018.
June until now, how’s your relationship grown in that time?
Oba: We both had some growing up to do. In my old relationship, I could get away with anything, but Precious didn’t let certain things fly. As I am doing something, she’s calling me out for it. I loved her because she made me better, but I hated that I couldn’t get away with anything.
Anything like?
Oba: I’m not proud of it but I had anger issues. I get on a rant cussing everybody out when I’m angry. Precious would allow me to shout and then when I was finished, she’d tell me what I did was wrong. I loved how patient she was with me. Honestly, I don’t know how she stayed through the first two years of our relationship.
Precious: We did a lot of work to get to where we are now. We decided what we wanted for our relationship, and every day, we work towards it.
Oba: In December 2020, I asked her to be my wife. We’d gone out to get jewellery some weeks before, but she didn’t know I was buying her a ring to propose with.
I know she’s a private person, so one weekend, I booked us a hotel room, and I proposed to her there.
Precious: I wasn’t expecting it, but I also knew that marriage was the next step for our relationship. That period was interesting for me because we were going to bury her dad that weekend.
Wow
Oba: Yup, but I just couldn’t wait. We were also going to my family house for the first time, and they don’t know about our relationship or my sexuality. It was indeed interesting, but getting engaged just felt right.
Funny enough, I never wanted to get married. Before I met Precious, I always said I didn’t wanna get married. The plan was to adopt a kid and call it a day, but after two years in a relationship with Precious, I knew I wanted to marry her and have kids with her. Our relationship is everything I’ve ever wanted. The thing I love most about us is the respect we have for each other. This helped us when I got a job in Dubai five months later and had to relocate.
Precious: And then, we didn’t see each other for a year…
How did respect help with distance?
Oba: It kept me in check. I didn’t want to disrespect her so I didn’t do things I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I didn’t look at other women or even think of them. It was very hard, I won’t lie. There were days we’d cry on the phone. I was alone in Dubai. I wanted to wake up next to her and the video calls just weren’t cutting it anymore.
Precious: It got too much for me at some point. To the extent that this January 2022, I considered breaking up with her. I told her about it. We had survived the first part of the relationship only to now end up apart? I couldn’t deal anymore.
Oba: That’s when I started making plans for her to come and join me here. Then, she got a job in March 2022 and joined me a few weeks ago.
Great! Tell me about your biggest fight
Precious: Sometime in 2020, she had a beach hang out with her friends. While she was there, I got a message from an anonymous Instagram account saying they could have Oba if they wanted. As if that was not enough, Oba came back home high as fuck, calling her ex’s name in her sleep. I was so mad and convinced I was leaving this relationship.
Oba: When I woke up, she confronted me and I was honest. I wanted to have my ex in my life but not at the detriment of my relationship with Precious. We had a conversation about it in which I apologised.
Precious: It was a long talk. I didn’t want us to go through the back and forth we had at the beginning of our relationship. She promised me she was here to stay and didn’t want to get back with her ex. Since then, we’ve been good.
Sweet! What attracts you both to each other?
Oba: She’s a very attractive woman. Her body is so soft, and it’s one of the first things that attracted me to her. She’s also an amazing cook.
Precious: I’m attracted to how smart she is. Also, her confidence is insane. When she was chasing me, I thought it was hot that she wanted to be with me. Loved it.
Rate this relationship on a scale of one to ten
Precious: 9 because of how far we’ve come as a couple. This is life, and you really don’t have control over the things that happen.
Oba: 8 for us, 1 for me, and 1 for God. I’m proud of how much I’ve grown, and everybody around me can see it, not just her. I know we still have work to do though.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Cynthia*, 30, and Ezinne*, 29, have been dating for six months. Today on Love Life, they talk about getting in touch after reading each other’s stories on Zikoko and falling for each other despite being married.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Ezinne: I read her story on Zikoko and reached out because it was similar to mine — also published on Zikoko. I thought the woman in the story and I were living the same life. She was queer like me, married, had a kid and also felt unsatisfied with her life. I did some digging — reached out to Zikoko — and got her contact with her permission.
Cynthia: When Ezinne messaged me on Twitter, I liked that she sounded friendly. Texting flowed. She sent me her pictures and I thought she was a fine babe. I sent her my picture too, and we just kept texting.
What did you two talk about?
Ezinne: Random stuff mostly, but the conversations were deep. We talked about how much we love our jobs. I told her about planning for school. We both knew we were married, but we didn’t talk about that…
The week we started chatting, I was in Surulere to meet up with a friend, and remembered she worked in the area. I texted Cynthia my location and asked if I could buy her lunch. She didn’t have to meet me — I could send it to her office.
Did you want lunch, Cynthia?
Cynthia: I did, but only if I got to see her. I left my office after a few minutes to meet her at the restaurant. I walked into the restaurant, and there she was. She had the goofiest face I had ever seen. I thought, “WTF have I gotten myself into?”
Ezinne: LOL. In my defence, I made a goofy face because I saw her before she saw me, and I could see that she was quite uneasy.
Cynthia: I wasn’t uneasy; I was just looking for you. I don’t like waiting for people.
Ezinne: Okay, I was trying to make you comfortable by making you laugh.
That’s nice. Tell us about the date.
Cynthia: It went well. We vibed. We made each other laugh a lot. Lunch became early dinner because of gist.
Ezinne: I could have stayed there for the whole night listening to her talk about her childhood. I love that she got comfortable with me and that made it very sweet.
Cynthia: At the end of the date, she took me home.
And feelings got caught in 3, 2, 1…
Cynthia: LOL. Calm down. We talked about hanging out again. A few days later, she took me to the supermarket after work to get groceries and dropped me at home afterwards. When we got to my house, I told her I had fun, and she said she’d like to see me again. I leaned in for a hug, but this woman gave me a fist bump.
Ezinne: LOL. I was nervous. What I really wanted to do was peck her on the cheek. When I got home that night, I told her that her eyes were big enough for someone to get lost in.
Cynthia: That compliment made me blush. That’s when I knew I had fallen for her.
Ezinne, was that the plan all along?
Ezinne: Not really. I was still getting to know her. For a month we were just chatting each other up. Then I fell sick.
Cynthia: That illness sped things up. I went to see her, we watched Netflix and ate ofe nsala with pounded yam. That was my first time trying ofe nsala, and damn, Igbo people are enjoying.
Ezinne: LOL. She was really nice during that period. She called often to make sure I was okay. When I got better, I resigned from my job. The day after my resignation, she asked what I was doing and I said nothing, she could come to fill me up. She laughed and agreed to come over, so I sent an Uber to pick her up.
Smooth…
Cynthia: When it was time for me to leave that day, she pulled me into a kiss.
Ezinne: You kissed me back…
Cynthia: Ehn. But the koko is you started it. After the kiss, our conversations became more flirty. She invited me over again. This time, she gave me turkey and spaghetti while we watched movies. This woman was using food and Netflix to get into my heart.
Another time, we were watching movies at her house when NEPA took the light. In the dark, while we were waiting for the light to come on, she reached for my face and we started making out. It was hot as fuck.
Ezinne: I had told her before then that I don’t let people touch me during sex. She told me it wasn’t going to work for her. That day, on the floor, as she touched me, I realised I liked it a lot. The sex was crazy good.
I don’t know if I should ask about your partners at this point.
Ezinne: My husband was at work and my kid was at school.
Cynthia: Same as mine.
Cool. What happened after the sex?
Cynthia: We became even closer. We started calling each other more. That was a bit difficult at first because I didn’t have earphones, and there were always too many people around me. She said she was gonna get me AirPods to help with that. I was like, “Hell no, I’m not letting you get me something that expensive.” This babe kept shut, then one day she asked me to meet her at the mall. Guess what she was holding when I got there?
Ezinne, there are enemies around me please.
Ezinne: LMAO. I just wanted to be able to talk to her the way I wanted.
Cynthia: She wanted to flirt. She’s worse than me when it comes to flirting. We were doing movies and ofe nsala, and she was flirting with other women on the timeline.
Ezinne?
Ezinne: LOL, I asked her to date me and she said no oh.
Cynthia: I said I wanted to see how things go because whenever I put a label on anything, it turns sour.
Ezinne: And I understood that. I blame my hair oh. A few days after we talked about this, I cut my hair. I look extra hot to women every time I cut my hair, so I was basking in the attention. That’s the flirting she’s talking about. I talked to a few women, but it was nothing. I wanted to be with Cynthia. When she told me she was ready to be exclusive, I was really happy.
What got you ready, Cynthia?
Cynthia: I felt it.
Before I met Ezinne, I had just broken up with my ex for being single. I gradually felt pressured she would want more than I could offer. I told myself I wasn’t going to date again after that, but Ezinne was different — she was married like me. She understands the dynamics of being married and being with a woman. When I have family time, she understands, and so do I when she has to attend to her family. We both understand our responsibilities as partners to each other and to other people. It’s easier like this.
Ezinne: Yup. There’s a safety net being married gives us. I think the fact that she is also a married woman helped our relationship grow. We both understand the risks involved.
Okay. How has the relationship been so far?
Ezinne: It’s been great. She’s very supportive of me and my endeavours. Whenever I do something at work, she always hypes me up and I love that. We’re alike in many aspects. For example, we both procrastinate on tasks until the last minute.
Cynthia: Yup, but we’re also different in many ways. For example, if I want to open a bar of soap, I’d take my time to open the pack but this babe will just rip the whole thing apart like a hoodlum.
LOL, this sounds like a live-in couple problem. Do you two live together?
Cynthia: Not really. She visits often and whenever she does, she sleeps over.
Once again, your husbands?
Ezinne: LOL. My husband knows her as one of my best friends, and honestly, what I have with my husband is different from what I have with Cynthia. With Cynthia, my feelings are deeper, more tangible. I feel like I can touch what I feel. I guess this is what makes everything else great with her.
Cynthia: I know right. My feelings for Ezinne don’t interfere with the relationship I have with my husband.
Do you think they are suspicious about your relationship?
Cynthia: I don’t think so. Everybody knows her as my best friend — husband, friends, even my mum. My kid still sleeps with me and my husband. Whenever she’s around, she stays in the guest room. We only have sex when it’s just us in the house. My husband doesn’t come home early because of work so we have enough time.
What of yours, Ezinne?
Ezinne: I don’t think he suspects anything either. He is always at work when she comes over. Whenever she’s around, we’d fuck all over the house — my living room, my bedroom, my store. LOL.
Store?
Ezinne: Yes oh, it’s crazy how good the sex is. The way I have sex has changed with her. In my previous sexual relationships, I was always the dominant partner in bed — the one who did most of the work during sex, but with Cynthia, that dynamic changed.
Cynthia: LOL, it was a goal I set. I wanted to please you too — make you cum as much as you make me cum. It started with you letting me touch you one day. Next thing, I had you standing with one leg on my shoulder, cumming.
Ezinne: You are so wild.
Cynthia: LOL. After that day, I knew I had you.
Interesting, so do you two fight?
Cynthia: Not really, but the thing is she’s a flirt — worse than I am. But she’s refused to accept that side of her. When I asked to be exclusive, it was because I saw the way she was flirting with other women. But even after we became exclusive, she continued to flirt with other women.
Did something in particular happen?
Ezinne: There’s this babe that likes me. I told her I was in a relationship, but she no gree. One day, I had to sleep at her place because of traffic. That night, she tried to initiate something, but I shut it down.
Cynthia: But you were still cuddling with her. She now even sent me a picture of the girl’s leg on her body.
Ezinne: I wanted you to know that there was nothing going on.
Hmm, so how did you two resolve it?
Cynthia: I had to ask to open the relationship, so if anything happens with any of the women who like her, she won’t feel guilty or have to turn them down because of me. I didn’t want to grow too suspicious of her. I think things are better this way.
Ezinne, what do you have to say about this?
Ezinne: The thing I don’t notice when I’m flirting with women because that’s how I talk generally. That night she’s talking about was not planned. I didn’t think anything would happen. When I turned the girl down and she held me, I thought it was okay because I was soothing her. I sent a picture to Cynthia because I tell her everything happening in my life.
Cynthia: I was offended, wondering why you weren’t removing yourself from the situation by leaving the bed or something. It felt like you were encouraging her to try again, and it’s not even fair on the girl.
So now that the relationship is open, what’s it like?
Cynthia: I think our relationship is better now. I am no longer suspicious of her and the thing is that we are both not looking to be with other people right now anyway.
Ezinne: Yes, the goal is to build trust between each other. We want to get to a point where we would be open to things like threesomes without destroying our relationship. I love Cynthia and I know I fucked up, so I am willing to do anything to make things work between us.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Ezinne: She’s my healer. She helped me discover issues about myself I didn’t know I had. For example, the sex thing. I was a bit repressed before her. She taught me to let go.
I love that I can absolutely be myself with her. I love playing with knives and she lets me do that with her. I also don’t have to tone down my driving for her — I can drive as reckless as I want when I’m with her.
Cynthia: It’s the same for me too. I don’t ever feel like I need to hide anything from her. I’m not the easiest person to be around because I like things done a certain way at all times. I don’t like people touching my stuff and sometimes I feel guilty for being like that but Ezinne always lets me know that it’s ok to be myself. She encourages me to express myself the way I want to around her. I love how honest and open our relationship is.
What’s your favourite part of each other?
Ezinne: I love her eyes so much and she’s also very romantic. I love the way she talks and how she laughs. She can make a joke out of anything and I love that about her.
Cynthia: I love that you’re very smart. Every time you have an idea, in my head, I’m like, “How does this babe come up with this stuff?” There’s also a part of her mind that’s like a toddler, so she does cute things like miss her way around the house. It makes me laugh all the time.
Sweet. Do you have future plans for each other?
Ezinne: Honestly, I want to have a baby with her. I would like to see what a baby we make would look like. If they would have her eyes or her smile.
Cynthia: My personal plan is to japa with her. I don’t know how it’s going to happen; whether we’d run away from our husbands or they agree to send us abroad. I just know we have to leave this country to a place where we don’t have to hide to love each other.
Aww, fingers crossed. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10.
Ezinne: I’d say a 7 because there’s always room for improvement.
Cynthia: 8 for me, for the same reason. Aside from that, this is honestly the best relationship I’ve ever been in.
Editor’s Note: Edits have been made since publication to improve the anonymity of the participants.
*Names were changed to protect the identity of the individuals.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Cynthia*, 26, and Tomiwa*, 30, finally started dating after nine months of being in the talking stage. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting at work, considering getting in a relationship for the amount of time it takes some women to produce babies (nine months) and learning to understand each other better.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Tomiwa: She used to reply to my WhatsApp stories with her contribution to whatever I was talking about. Most times, she was agreeing with the things I posted.
Wait first, how did you get her number?
Tomiwa: It was through work. I work for an advertising agency. She is popular on Twitter, and my agency hired her to handle a couple of accounts.
Cynthia: I don’t remember how we exchanged numbers, but we started texting when I commented on one of his posts on WhatsApp. On Twitter, a conversation was trending and he made a comment about it on his story. That led to a conversation, and we just continued texting on and off about random things. It was nice to talk to him because we shared the same values. It wasn’t easy to come across a man who didn’t believe in gender roles.
Tomiwa: I was in a relationship at the time, so the conversations were nothing serious. She too was in a relationship and a situationship at the time.
Cynthia?
Cynthia: Lol, yes. The person I was dating in 2020 was not in Nigeria, so I started seeing other people.
Was your partner aware that you were seeing other people?
Cynthia: Of course not. It was complicated.
I kept reaching for the person but he wasn’t there. It felt like I was forcing him to be in a relationship with me. On most days, he wouldn’t call or text until I did. I’d send him paragraphs expressing my feelings, and he’d respond with a one-liner. If I complained, he didn’t even try to reassure me of his love. I just started seeing other people. It wasn’t serious until I met Tomiwa.
What happened when you met him?
Cynthia: From our chats, I knew he was someone I would like to sleep with. I found his Instagram, went through his pictures and thought he was quite hot. I started flirting with him. One day, he told me he was in a relationship. I told him I knew and was not interested in dating him.
Tomiwa, how did you feel about her flirting with you?
Tomiwa: I could sense that she liked me and made it clear that I was in a committed relationship. My ex snooped on my conversations Cynthia and complained about it, but I assured her it was nothing. One time, Cynthia sent me a gift and my ex saw it. It caused a fight, and I had to send Cynthia the angry messages my ex sent to me. After that incident, Cynthia and I stopped talking as much as we used to, but my ex still didn’t believe me. In the months that followed, our relationship started to die. Eventually, I broke up with her in March 2021.
Asking for a friend: what gift did she buy?
Cynthia: It was a T-shirt with cat prints.
Cute. What happened after the breakup?
Cynthia: We resumed talking three months after his breakup. Our conversations became deeper. We moved from sharing opinions about social issues to personal stuff. I’d tell him my problems; he’d advise me. When I moved from Lagos to Owerri for a job, he was my support system. He kept checking on me to make sure I was okay.
Tomiwa: I liked talking to her. After work, we’d get on a call and talk about each other’s day. It was nice plus we also started exchanging pictures. I started thinking of what it would be like to spend time with her in person.
When did that happen?
Cynthia: In July, I visited Lagos for a bit. I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he agreed. We planned to meet at a restaurant. I got there late because I wasn’t sure of the exact time I was supposed to meet him. The moment I saw him, my heart jumped. I was like, “Jesus, this boy is so fine.” I walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to kiss me…
Did he?
Cynthia: He blushed.
Tomiwa: I did eventually, at the end of a lovely evening of wine, food and laughter.
Cynthia: I enjoyed myself so much that night. Of course, we ended up having sex.
What was that like?
Tomiwa: It felt different. We have great sexual chemistry. I didn’t have as much anxiety as I usually do when I’m having sex. With her, I didn’t have to worry about whether or not she was enjoying it. Maybe because I knew she didn’t have much experience with sex.
How do you mean?
Cynthia: I had sex for the first time in 2020 because I wanted to wait till I was done with school. After my graduation in February, I was ready. My first time was good, but it wasn’t spectacular. It didn’t go how I imagined, and it hurt for the most part. I was disappointed at sex in general until Tomiwa and I had sex. Maybe getting close was the reason for this, but the sex was amazing.
Love that for you. When did dating enter the conversation?
Tomiwa: Much later. After we had sex the first time, I realised I really liked her. I was excited but I was also worried.
Love that for you. When did dating enter the conversation? Tomiwa: Much later. After we had sex the first time, I realised I really liked her. I was excited but I was also worried. She was a topic before I broke up with my ex, and I knew how it would look — my ex and I had just been separated for a few months. I know Cynthia was waiting for me to ask her to date me but I was still working through my feelings.
Cynthia: Did you know that I cried a lot during that period?
Tomiwa: Why?
Cynthia: After the July visit, I came back again in August and spent two weeks. By this time, I had broken up with my boyfriend. He was complaining a lot because I was active on social media. I couldn’t pretend anymore so I ended things. During the two weeks, I spent in Lagos, I was in Tomiwa’s apartment. It was one of the best times of my life because we had such a good time in each other’s company. We cooked together, ate out sometimes and had sex as often as we could.
I knew I wanted to date him, but I didn’t want to ask him out. In my previous relationship, I asked the guy out and ended up doing most of the work in the relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again so I waited for him to make the move.
Tomiwa: I liked her but I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I had just gotten out of one that stressed me for a while. I wanted some time to work through my feelings. I told her this on the day she was to return to Owerri.
Cynthia, how did you feel?
Cynthia: On my flight back, I cried. I wanted to be with him and didn’t understand why he didn’t want that too. I had to start detaching myself so I could heal. I stopped calling or texting as often as I used to. I even picked up journaling to help with the pain.
One night in September, he sent me a bunch of messages. He had gotten high and was asking me why I wasn’t patient with him. He said he liked me a lot and wanted to be with me, but he wasn’t ready. I told him I understood and would be patient with him.
I moved back to Lagos that September, and we became close again. I kept wondering when he would be ready. My friends told me to wait for him until the end of the year and if he didn’t commit, I should move on.
Tomiwa: Meanwhile, I was low key waiting for her birthday — in November — to ask her out properly. Her birthday is in November and I wanted it to be special. That day, after we played some games, we went to dinner at a nice restaurant. I asked her to be my girlfriend after we ate.
Cynthia: That’s not how he said it. He said, “Are you ready?” and I was like ready for what? He said, “Ready to be Tomiwa’s girlfriend.” LOL. Is that how they used to ask somebody out?
LOL. How has the relationship been so far?
Tomiwa: It’s been good. I know I made the right decision to be with her. She’s someone I can talk to about anything. Although there are days when I want to throw her inside the Atlantic Ocean but on other days, we are great.
Cynthia: I have had to learn and unlearn certain things in trying to know him better. Our personalities are very different. I am an outspoken person and cannot keep quiet about things bothering me while he likes to let things breathe and takes his time to respond to issues. Once in a while, we clash and someone has to compromise for the other. At the end of the day, when we think about how much we care about each other, it just makes decisions easier.
Hmmm, tell me about your biggest fight.
Cynthia: He came back home from work, and he was on his phone. We are both phone pressers, but I needed to babied that day. I had a long day at the office and was expecting questions like what are we eating or how are you. I tried to talk to him and ask about his day at the office, but I wasn’t getting any responses. I felt like he was ignoring me and wanted to focus on his phone. I was angry about it.
The next morning, I told him before he left for work that I was annoyed by what he did. He apologized but similar thing happened when I got back from work the next day. He got angry and said I was being selfish.
Tomiwa: The thing is, I didn’t think it was a big deal, but it was a big deal to her. I wasn’t ignoring her. I was just in a mood and needed time to get out of it. She didn’t understand that, and it became a back and forth.
Cynthia: The next day when I was trying to talk about it,he shouted at me. I had never seen him like that before. Eventually, we talked about it. He wanted me to be more patient with him when it came to emotions. These days, when we both come back from work, I let him stay on his own so he can relax before connecting with me. It works better for him. After that, we eat and call it a day.
Interesting. What’s the best part of the relationship?
Cynthia: The food. He is either cooking for me or buying me food — he’s an amazing cook and I’m an amazing eater Aside from that, he is my friend and I trust him. He knows everything about me. I know I can always talk to him when something is bothering me.
Tomiwa: It’s the friendship for me. Compare to my previous relationships, I feel like I unlocked a completely new level of connection. With Cynthia, our bond is different.
Aww, what is your favourite part of each other?
Tomiwa: I love her smile. There’s a way she smiles unconsciously, and it’s the best smile I’ve ever seen in my life. I also love her work ethic. She’s so intentional about learning new things and being better at her job. Even though her workaholism can be annoying sometimes.
Cynthia: It’s his penis for me. It does wonders. Before him, I had never had an orgasm nor ever squirted. I am in awe of how he fucks me. I now know the difference between “I had sex with someone” and “I made love with someone”.
I also love his fingers. They, too, do wonders.
Wonders shall never end IJN. How would you rate the relationship on a scale of one to ten?
Tomiwa: 8.5. It’s almost perfect, and we are working on it. I also don’t think anyone should reach a ten. There’s always room to do something better.
Cynthia: 7 for me because I know we would get better at understanding each other with more time. I just have to learn to be more patient.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we’re here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it’s her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you’re switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She’d be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she’ll give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man’s heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food – before you can breathe, “When are we going to try that new restaurant?” Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you’re feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won’t meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. “Folake would never…” or “Chinasa always made it this way.” Do this once or twice and she’ll either poison you or leave. It’s a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, ”Take risks and succeed.”
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has “Megan knees” until it’s time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she’ll start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
[newsletter]
5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying “Yes,” which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it’s already the second day of December, so we’re running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with “Ok”
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is “Ok”? There’s no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there’s no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it’s always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn’t do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you’ll look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re out having a good time and some random person just asks if you’re married (even though they most likely already know the answer)? If you’ve ever been in this situation and didn’t know how to fire back, here are some responses you can go with next time that will make the nosy person’s head spin.
And?
Ask them what that has to do with anything. So you’re married, and so bloody what? Is it a union or a prison? Remind them that it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just a certificate and a ring.
Just a little bit
How can anyone blame you for cheating when you’re just a little bit married? Basically, you have just one leg in the marriage, and are free to wander and philander around Lagos with the other leg.. If they ask what it means to be a little bit married, tell them to take your answer like that and redirect their focus to the love you have for them.
What exactly do you mean by “married”?
Turn the tables around and interrogate the person. What exactly do they mean by “married”? And yes, it’s a compulsory exam question worth 20 marks. There are many ways to go around a marriage. This is the time to be smart and find that loophole.
Marriage? What does that even mean?
It’s time for you to act like your brain is empty. Marriage? What a foreign concept! All you know is that you’re single and ready to mingle. Anyone that claims to be married to you is obviously delusional.
[newsletter]
Are any of us truly married?
Very important question. Who created these laws of marriage in the first place? Were Adam and Eve married? No. It’s high time we all learned to live on vibes and vibes alone.
But I’m here
Remind them that despite your alleged partner, you are here with them,professing your love, and that’s all that matters. Every other thing is noise. What else do they even want from you? If this isn’t true love, we don’t know what else it could be.
Is it your business?
Anybody who asks about your marital status in public clearly doesn’t mean you well. They were probably sent by your village people to embarrass you. It’s only right that you tear your singlet and fight because they clearly want violence.
Abeg X3
Why are they boxing you in? That’s very disrespectful. It’s time for you to shut down naysayers challenging the validity of your single-hood. Saying you’re married is like an attack and you have to dismiss these accusations to avoid further embarrassment.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual woman who talks to us about discovering she was polyamorous, learning to have sex for herself, and dating a woman while in a relationship with a man.
TW: Sexual abuse
What was your first sexual experience?
I was about 8. I was a very timid child and my mother encouraged me to make friends with my neighbour’s daughter who was about my age at the time. We would always hang out at either of our houses and one time, she asked me to touch her between her legs and she did the same to me. I liked it and we kept doing things like this until we moved to a different city when I was 12.
After we’d do these things together, I’d go home and read some of my nanny’s HINTS magazines. When I was 10, I read one of them about women touching themselves as we did was described as lesbianism. I ran to her house to inform her, in case she didn’t know, that we were lesbians.
My first penetrative sex experience though, happened when I turned 18. I’d made a mental note to myself that I was going to wait till that age to have sex and when the time came I met this guy off Twitter and asked him if he’d ever been anyone’s first. He told me he had and so we had sex.
Before we go into how the sex was, why this guy?
Well, he wasn’t someone I particularly liked as a person. That was the main reason for choosing him. I was only physically attracted to him.
Wait, you didn’t like him?
Nope. When I was 12 and hanging out with my teenage male cousins, I heard them say that when a girl had sex for the first time with a guy, he would be all she’d ever want and she would remain madly in love with him.
Ah yes, a version of that insane thing people call Okafor’s law.
It didn’t make any sense to me even at that time. Why would someone sleep with me once and I’d be stuck with them forever? What’s that about? So I decided two things that day: I would have sex for the first time at 18 because I’d be an adult then and the person would be someone I had no emotional connection to at all.
And you made good on your promise. So how was the sex?
It was a very weird experience. I didn’t enjoy it. Every time he tried to penetrate me was painful as hell and it took a long time before he was finally able to. We tried with condoms and wasted about 3 condoms before he suggested we do it without them. When he finally got in, it was still so painful and felt so horrible that I screamed. I also bled. He got tissues to wipe the blood and then told me that we weren’t done yet because he still hadn’t broken my hymen. I was new to sex so I believed that this was how it worked so I allowed him to continue. There was so much pain and eventually, I passed out. When I came to, he was still thrusting and he ejaculated inside me. He bought me antibiotics the next day. I wonder how I didn’t get pregnant because those were definitely not contraceptives.
That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry. When would you say sex got good?
I continued to have sex with this first guy and it didn’t get any better. While we were doing this I reached out to a guy I really liked but couldn’t have my first time with. Now I had had sex and could meet with him. So we did and I had my first orgasm from penetration. I didn’t even know that I was orgasming, I just thought “This feels weird, but good.” It was the first time sex was good and I was confused because I had just come to believe that sex was a painful thing.
After a while, I started dating another guy that I liked. At this time I was getting regular orgasms from penetration but my school was in another city so we could only have sex when I was out of school.
I was having sex in school though. With a woman I liked.
*Gasps* Cheating???
I didn’t consider it cheating. I just felt like I was living my life and it was nice. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything bad so I talked about it with my boyfriend. And he never pushed back or complained about anything. Since he was fine with it, in my head it wasn’t cheating.
But to be fair, I was seeing her before I started seeing him and she also had a boyfriend who was not in the same city as well. We just didn’t see it as a big deal. But it was. I felt more for her than I did for my boyfriend but no thanks to conditioning, I’d always just seen any relationships with women as temporary and that I would eventually end up with a man so it was all just fun.
Did you ever feel bad about it though?
I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I think I’ve always just been polyamorous. I confirmed this after reading more about polyamory years later. In my mind and heart I knew I could feel things for many people, so why was that a bad thing?
Preach sister! So how have things changed for you with sex?
This year has been interesting. I have finally started having sex for myself. I used to have sex for many different reasons: a man liked me, paid me attention, asked for it or because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t because I actually liked penetrative sex and wanted to enjoy it for myself.
Now, I choose my partners and if I don’t want to, I say no. For example, there’s a friend of mine who has been wanting to have sex with me. I’ve told him no a few times. He’s also asked to eat my ass a couple of times and I let him but with sex, I drew the line. And I didn’t even like the ass eating. I realised I was only letting him do it because I somehow thought this was a way to save our friendship. But he kept pressing and now it’s to hell with him and his friendship.
So what has ‘having sex for yourself’ looked like this year?
For starters, throughout the lockdown I learned to masturbate and enjoy it. I now make myself cum often. Before this, I would feel so much guilt and shame about masturbating. With the lockdown, a lot of things became less taboo for me.
What are some of these things?
Apart from masturbation, sleeping with people in relationships or married people. Having sex in multiples. I’ve already had three threesomes this year alone. With six different people!
The first one was with a guy I liked and wanted to have sex with but he mentioned that he preferred to have sex in multiples. I told him I’d never had a threesome and so he set it up. We started with watching Netflix but soon that became background noise for our shenanigans. It was such an erotic experience. And it was intimate. I always thought intimacy had to be between two people but I was wrong. The entanglement of bodies just felt so pure. At some point after he penetrated her, I sucked her juices off his dick. Do you even know how magnificent that is?
I can’t say that I do. How did the second threesome happen?
I went home with a babe from the club. I thought it was going to be just me and her but her man was there. We made out and then she ate me out for what seemed like hours. When she was done, her man ate me out as well, I squirted, and then he and I had sex. It was really good.
A random thing I’ve also experienced this year is that getting my toes sucked intensifies my orgasm.
You, my friend, are living the life. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?
I’d say 5/10.
I beg your pardon?
Okay, so I give it a 0/10 because I’m not having sex as frequently as I’d like. But 10/10 for when I get to have sex because it’s always so amazing. Put those together and you get 5/10.
Married men cheat and swear it is the devil. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about what it’s like to date married men.
Kay, 26
The first married man I dated lied about his marital status. I found out when we broke up. He was quite controlling, so I had to end the relationship.
The next one I dated also lied about his marital status. He was in Abuja for a job. During the seven months he spent there, I fell in love with him. He was good with me, but not in bed. He didn’t last long. When it was time for him to go back, I told him that I had fallen for him and this guy said he was married. I had asked him before if he was married but he said no. This one even had a child. I was so pissed and that’s how that relationship ended.
I was fully aware that the next one I dated was married. We dated for about three weeks. He was insecure, and he didn’t know how to fuck either. I wasn’t talking to anyone else when I was with him, but he didn’t trust me. He was always asking where I was or who I was with.
One day, he called me nine times and I missed his calls because I was asleep. When I picked up, he called me a liar, a cheat and all sorts of names. I changed it for him and ended it there. He was quite generous though. We didn’t date long enough for me so I didn’t get a large sum of money from him. I am currently seeing another married man but we haven’t had sex yet. He always calls to check on me. Maybe this one might be a long-term relationship.
Jumoke, 26
I have dated a married man. He was in his 40s and rich. He used to buy me lunch every now and then. It felt like someone saw and appreciated me. We had unspoken rules — I could never ask him questions about his family or question him when he didn’t call or text me. I understand that I was just supposed to enjoy my time with him and move on. I think people should save the energy they use to fight side chicks for the men that are actually cheating in the relationship. I would date another married man if he is rich.
Leticia, 22
In 2018, I went to visit my cousin. We went clubbing on the evening I arrived. My cousin is in his 30s and married so I assumed all his friends were. There was this one of his friends, Chris* that was vibing with me. We exchanged numbers and got talking. I asked him if he was married and he said no. He claimed that he was not looking for anything serious but he is open to being in a relationship.
Every time my cousin and I went out for drinks, he came along. We never went out on our own. Once in a while, he would tell me he had to go to another city for work. This happened three times and I became suspicious but I didn’t pay it any mind. Our relationship went on for about four months. One time he invited me over. He said we could go watch a movie then later go to his house but I had a bad feeling about it, so I cancelled.
Married men have mastered the act of wooing women. The way they talk to you, the way they offer care and genuinely listen. It’s like everything you’ve been looking for. There was this sense of security I had around him. Things were going so well.
One time, my sister called me and she told me that she was at my cousin’s place and my cousin said Chris has a wife. She said he said it in passing — as a part of a different conversation. I was so shocked. I was hurt that my cousin never told me and he knew what was going on. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I went back home. I deleted his number and blocked him everywhere.
This year, at my cousin’s birthday party, he showed up. This is the first time I’ve seen him since I ghosted him. He said hi and I tried to stay indifferent but gin and red wine are devils. I think I told him that I really liked him but he fucked up. God, I was so mad. He was like let’s go and talk on the balcony. The next thing I realised was that we were making out. He said he was getting a divorce. I felt the flame rekindled. We tried to talk out but I didn’t want to date him anymore. I blocked him and went back to my life. I am over the whole thing now.
Bisola, 23
In 2016, I met this guy who lived around my house. He looked young and cute. I don’t remember how we started talking but he asked me out. I was worried because he was newly married with a newborn. He swore that the marriage is a sham and he doesn’t love his wife, but he loves me. I knew it was a lie. He would stop by my house before going home to his wife. It was the fact that he bad mouthed his wife to me that annoyed me the most. I didn’t like that I knew who his wife was. Plus it’s not like he was even rich. The money he was supposed to be taking home, he was spending it on me who wants nothing to do with him.
After a while of talking, I told him I needed a new phone and he asked me to meet him at a hotel. That’s how I ghosted him. I just cut off everything for my own peace of mind. Dating a married man is a bad idea. Honestly, I don’t want to have anything to do with them again except he’s way older and richer.
Osas, 21
There was this time I was broke and the devil sent me a married man. I thought this man was going to be my saviour because he spoke a lot about how he was going to take care of me — send me to Dubai, buy me stuff, take me out on my birthday, etc. The only tangible money I got from this man was ₦5000 for my birthday cake after he promised me heaven and earth.
Anytime I billed him, he wouldn’t talk to me for days until I called to tell him we could have sex. We had sex multiple times and all I got was transport fare. There was this time I yabbed him and called him a broke ass. He made himself the victim, and I had to apologise. felt bad for his wife because he took me to their house and we had sex on their matrimony bed. I ended it after a while and yes, I will do it again if I’m sure there’s money involved.
Farida, 31
He reached out to me through a mutual friend who warned him not to get involved with me. But he still did. He always wanted to prove that he was new school, and he was. He was also fun. Whenever he got me food, he’d buy enough for everyone at home. When we went out, he’d make sure he got takeaway for the people in my house. Single men rarely think like that.
He spoke about his wife respectfully, but I didn’t like that he sometimes complained about their issues and gave me details about their sex life. I told him this. He wanted marriage. I ended things for other reasons.
Titi, 21
I met this guy last year. He said his wife and two children were not in Nigeria. I was a broke Abuja girl at the time, so dating him was about the money. He wanted sex and I thought I could use him to finance my lifestyle but that was a huge mistake.
The first and only time I had sex with him, he sent me 10k and started giving me excuses every time we were supposed to meet. He’d call me by 9 p.m., asking me to meet with him knowing fully well I can’t go out at night. It was like he was always flaunting his money but he never actually gave me anything. It was a waste of sin, to be very honest.
Instead of stressing yourself by thinking of a lie whenever you reply to texts late, you can just use any of these foolproof excuses.
1) Cooking beans
Everyone knows cooking beans takes a long time. So what if you are replying their texts after two days? Do they know how many people you were cooking for?
2) Picking stones from rice
Maybe you wanted to pick the stones from an entire bag of rice? Who are they to question this 100% sensible reason?
3) Breaking Egusi
You volunteered to help feed the community and the food for the day was pounded yam and egusi? Or someone gifted you a basket of Egusi and you want to keep it? There are so many reasons you could be breaking Egusi. Use that as an excuse today!
4) Frying plantain
Everyone knows that with frying plantain, once you look away, everything has burnt. That’s why you couldn’t reply their texts. You were so focused on getting unburnt dodo.
5) Meeting
Bosses can be terrible and meetings can last for HOURS. So, why not try this foolproof excuse? It doesn’t matter if the time they texted was at 3 am on a Sunday. Something came up in the office and it was an emergency.
6) Fell asleep
If sleeping beauty can do what she did, why couldn’t it happen to you too? You’re a growing child and you need your sleep. Don’t let anyone stress you.
7) Had a bath
Yes, baths can take as long as two days. What if you decided to connect with your marine spirit ancestors from there? They don’t know you, they don’t know your story.
For more on what is inside this life, please click here
Emem* is a 40+ woman whose husband was cheating on her. The experience changed her perspective on life and she wanted to share her story with other women. Here’s what she told me:
My husband and I met in 1999. We dated for three years before getting married. We have three kids together — the first two are in university and the last one is in secondary school. I work as an educationist and run multiple businesses on the side. My husband works as an engineer, which means he is almost always at work, spending weeks away from home at a stretch. I had gotten used to the distance until January 31, 2020.
I was in Lagos on a work trip when I received a WhatsApp message from an anonymous woman. It read that my husband had been dating another woman, and she was planning to kill me.
I ran to the toilet to catch my breath after reading the message. The lady who sent it included details about our house – in case I didn’t believe the story. She refused to tell me her name or her relationship with the woman dating my husband. She said she texted me because she wanted me to act quickly and save my marriage.
When I got home, I asked my husband about this relationship and he denied it. I didn’t believe him because his countenance had changed so I prayed about it.
Shortly after, I saw some receipts laying around. I noticed a name on them, Toks*. I’d seen the name before and when I asked, he said they were doing ajo together. I saw that he’d been sending her hundreds of thousands of naira, and I realised that all the times he’d borrowed money from me, he was probably sending it to this person. There was a time I used my money to build a fence around one of our properties because he said he didn’t have access to money at the time. Meanwhile, he was busy giving money to this mystery woman. I was livid. The message said she cast a spell on him to only do as she pleased.
I was also shocked. He was good with the kids. We laughed a lot. People called us a loving family. How did this happen without me noticing? I don’t have the words to explain how shaken I was. I started dreaming about the whole thing. I kept wondering why she wanted to kill me. She is not the first person to date a married man. I don’t even like wahala. I live a quiet life so why me? Why do you want to kill me? I am someone who speaks to families, newlyweds at church, and students in school. People see me as a role model.
When I first told one of his uncles, he asked me why I was telling him. He said, “This is not new. Every man cheats.” I said I had to tell someone because the woman wants to kill me and he is more or less unavailable these days. His uncle said he would get back to me. A few days later, he asked me to come over. When I got there, he said, “Adultery is not a sin but bringing adultery into your home is a sin.” I was just looking at him. I had to tell him that I have been taking care of the home — providing essentials, paying bills and the kids’ pocket money. Imagine if I didn’t have a job. I would have been begging them for food to feed my children. God forbid.
I reached out to my sister-in-law, who was like a mother to me. She asked me to follow her to church. I am not someone who believes in miracle churches but I had to try. I had nothing else to lose. I was also scared for my life and my children’s life. The pastor was being dramatic when I got there. He said things like, “They want to kill your husband. He already has three chronic illnesses. Look, they are sharing his obituary poster.” My sister-in-law was on the floor crying. I wasn’t moved because I had been praying on my own for a while. After praying with me, he asked me to do certain things to help reverse the spell. I had to use honey in my foods, put salt in our drinking water, and use anointing oil to cook soups. I also had to make a drink for him with fresh coconuts every day for about two weeks.
The truth is, I know he’s been seeing other women. We’ve been together for 21 years. The cheating wasn’t a shock to me. I was just glad he was keeping it away from home. Unbeknownst to me, he was waxing strong with his mistress. One day I saw his old phone lying around and I went through it. On the phone, there were nude pictures of him and her. I kept scrolling and I realised that they had been together for over three years. I was furious. My head felt hot, and it hurt. I think it was around this time I started making voice recordings about the whole thing. In my head, I thought, if they actually kill me, my children need to know the truth. Till today, when I listen to those recordings, I cry.
During the lockdown, I was grateful to be home because I got to see some of the things anonymous had been telling me about like how he would tell me he was at work but he was with her. One time, I took the kids to our other house in town and when we arrived, I noticed that our neighbours were looking at us as if they had never seen us before. Throughout our weekend stay, they looked incredulous whenever my kids came out of the house to play football.
I tried not to think too much of it until we returned back to the city and I got a message from one of our neighbours. She said that there was another woman living in the house, whenever I was not there. I asked them to send me evidence whenever they saw her in the house or both of them together, just so I could have it. I couldn’t believe that the house that I paid for and furnished with my money was being used for nonsense.
Another day, the same woman called me to tell me that my husband just drove into the house with a girl. I said it’s a lie because he had just told me that he was at work and wouldn’t return for about a week. She laughed and said, “Your husband is here.” I asked her to help me monitor him. I confirmed from the neighbourhood vigilante that he was indeed in town and they had gone shopping. I couldn’t believe that he would go straight from work to her with his dirty clothes that I would have to wash or that we did not have provisions at home, yet he was shopping with his babe. One of my sons, Uwem* is closest to him and likes to wait for him to return with snacks before he eats. I asked Uwem if he had heard from his father. He said no. I asked if he told him when he was coming back, he said no.
I called him twice, he did not pick, so I called his office. I realised that when I called the general office line, they would ask him what they should tell me so I called a woman in another department. I told her someone called me to say they saw him somewhere. Meanwhile, he told me he was at work. She said she was in quarantine but she called the office while I was still on the phone with her. She asked me to stay quiet while she spoke to them. When she asked where my husband was, they said he left by 2. After she ended the call with them, she told me I had to be strong. Then she asked if he was paying the children’s fees. I said yes, she said, “If he stops paying their fees, I will get him arrested but you have to sleep tonight.” Of course, I couldn’t sleep.
The next day, Uwem strolled into the kitchen while I was arranging the snacks I bought for him. He said, “Daddy has been calling you but the network is bad.” I asked where his father said he was. He said, “At the office.” I asked what the background sounded like. Uwem said it sounded like a room, “Like he just woke up.” I couldn’t sleep that night either. I was picturing everything. How I would go to the airport to pick him up and drop him off, meanwhile he would be diverting trips. I wanted to die but death didn’t come. I thought about what I could do. I can’t go to the girl or her family because according to anonymous, she was dangerous and her family was in on it. Morning met me there.
That’s when I started praying for God to guard my heart, so I would stop being shocked by his actions. The next day, he called me twice. I didn’t pick. In the night, Uwem said, “Daddy said I should greet you.” I said, “Greet him too, dear.”
My sister-in-law called the next day. She wanted me to come to her house to get the anointed honey her pastor recommended. I told her I had work and couldn’t make it. I couldn’t help it so I asked her if her brother was with her. She said he told her he was at home. I told her what I had found out. She tried to call him but he did not pick her calls. She had to send him a text saying it was a matter of life and death before he called her. She asked him where he was, he said work. She asked when he was coming to visit her, he said that weekend. She couldn’t believe he was lying to her. In my head, I was like welcome to the party. Later, Uwem called me to say his father was coming home. After work, I went to an eatery I liked, bought food to make myself happy. I made sure I returned later than I usually do. When I went home, I saw that he had piled the clothes, waiting for me to wash it. He was eating my soup in the kitchen — soup that I didn’t have money to put meat inside. He was smiling. In my head, I thought, “Who is smiling with you?” I said “You have come” and walked past him. That night, I called up to five people to keep myself occupied. He noticed something was different. Instead of confronting me, he went to the children’s room. I paid him no mind. I went to bed. Later he joined me and tried to touch me. I laid there like a stone. When he got tired, he left me alone. I prayed for him not to die in all of this because how would I have dealt with the shame when people find out what killed him? They will say I cannot keep a man.
That Saturday morning, my husband left the house before I did. As I was driving out, I saw a car that looked like my husband’s car and there was a woman in the passenger’s seat so I followed it. When my husband noticed that I was following him, he tried to run into a MOPOL base but they refused to open the gate. I blocked them with my car, rolled down my glass and took pictures. My husband was asking me why I was doing this? I said, “Please, dear, smile for the camera.” That was my evidence for his family. He quickly drove off and the MOPOL men came to ask me what’s going on. I said, “My husband and a side chick. You know men now.” They didn’t say anything. Me too, I left. I won’t lie, that incident made me weak. I was just thinking if I was younger, I would have followed him. I would make sure both cars hit each other since he wants to be mad enough to bring her to the city. I thought of my children and all the people looking up to me and decided to leave it be.
I told my sister-in-law everything. She said he had still not gone to visit her. I told her that I will report the issue to my people because it has gotten out of hand. She begged not to do so, that she will handle her brother. I also thought about telling my kids but the woman at his office called and told me not to. She said she left her husband and it hurt her kids. I told her I was going to. When I got home, I was too tired to do anything. I just lay there. My sister-in-law called back to say he came over to report himself that I caught them. He said he had been trying to leave the girl but she wouldn’t leave him alone. She told me she would handle it and I should be patient, that God wanted it to happen this way. She begged me to let him into the house so he wouldn’t disappear, so that he would come and apologise to me. I waited for him. I didn’t even go to church as planned.
I was watching a church programme on my phone around eight 0’ clock, when he came back home. He asked me to reduce the volume so he could speak to me. He said the same things he told his sister — that he had been trying to leave the girl to no avail. He said in the bible when the prodigal son came back, his father threw a party for him so I should be happy he is back. He begged me to not tell the church. Then he said, “Don’t blame me, since I came back to this house, you have not been welcoming to me.” That’s when I got up. I asked him who am I to not forgive him when he is quoting the bible but I have a question, “Do you live here or do you just stop by? When did your office actually release you from work?” He looked at me for a while before saying, “You have started listening to outsiders abi?” I laughed and asked if he had seen me with anybody. He said people want to spoil his marriage. It was all hilarious to me. We sat there till past eight, when I asked him to end the meeting so I could go and sleep. He said let’s pray. Coming from someone that does not open his mouth to pray LOL. I said okay. He prayed that it should be well with his family and God should remove his eyes from all distractions. I noticed that he said distractions, not a distraction. I just kept quiet and said Amen. Later that week, his sisters took him to church. He was told to pray and fast but he didn’t do as long as prescribed. I was just glad that they were able to see that I wasn’t the problem.
I noticed that he started coming home earlier. He started spending more time with the kids. He started calling his family more. When he talks to them, they will call me and say, “Do you know my brother has not called me for three years now? He doesn’t even pick my calls. This is a miracle.” He even took me out to have lunch. I also noticed that he put his phone on vibration because Toks kept calling him. I was even feeling bad for him because he was scared, now that he knew juju was involved.
By January, I noticed that he started picking her calls again and he was being secretive. He refused to admit to it so I didn’t say anything. I just prayed for him. I also stopped paying the bills in the house. No be me be mumu. Now, I will let him know what is needed at home as opposed to doing it myself. One time, because I did not pay light bills, we didn’t have light for up to three weeks. What’s my own? I turn on the generator, charge my phone and turn it back off. I asked my sons to look for schools to go abroad, let their father pay international tuition. Since he doesn’t know what to use money to do. The first one is leaving in September.
I told him the love I had for him when we got married is not what I have for him now and I am only staying because of the kids. Personally, I am focused on ticking off things on my bucket list. If I feel like eating anything, I go out and buy it for myself instead of waiting around. I embrace my kids more these days and find myself appreciating nature. I want to be able to say I lived for me if anything happens.
When I was in JS2, I started dating a lot of people consecutively. I was never really single. I dated two best friends. I even once dated a set of twins and their elder brother. Most of them were older and bought me gifts, which was risky because I was young and lived with my parents. So they mostly gave me money. The thing is, I didn’t date them for the perks. For me, it was just another way to validate my existence and sexuality.
I knew men were attracted to me but the thought never excited me. So most times when I dated men, it was just to prove that I could get with whomever I wanted. I can’t count the number of people I’ve dated but I know it’s nothing less than 25. However, the number of those people that I actually liked can be counted on one hand.
I think another reason I started serial dating was that I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity at a young age. My parents were always in church, which meant that I spent a lot of time at church or with family friends. There was a boy whose parents’ house I spent a time in. One day, we kissed. Then it became a regular thing. Whenever he saw me going somewhere, he’d follow so we could make out. It could be to his room, my room, or the bathroom at church.
My first crushes were on two seniors in my school. A guy and a girl. The guy and I used to write letters to each other and meet in the library. He was very sweet. The girl, however, I just liked. What I felt for them never overlapped because it was easy for me to compartmentalise my feelings.
My very first relationship with two people at once, was when I was 16. The guy was my ex’s best friend, and the girl was my younger sister’s friend. They didn’t know about each other until the girl broke my heart. The guy saw me crying about it, and when he asked why, I told him. He left without saying anything. We eventually broke up.
I started looking for more ethical ways to date people when I cheated on my girlfriend in 2019. We broke up after I told her but got back together later. After that, we decided to try an open relationship. She told me I could sleep with everyone but this one girl but I slept with her anyways. She was my best friend, and I somehow always slept with my best friends. I think that’s when I figured that monogamous relationships couldn’t work for me, even though they seemed to be all that was available.
In 2020, I came across people on Twitter who posted stuff about being polyamorous and how they engage in multiple relationships at once. I realised that maybe that’s what I am. I never wanted to cheat. I just felt suffocated. For me, feelings for one person doesn’t mean fewer feelings for another. I consider my feelings for all of my partners completely separate. I didn’t practice ethical polyamory until 2021. Before then, it was separate relationships with people that weren’t aware of my other relationships.
The two people I’m dating now are both polyamorous and it’s been amazing. I enjoy their company and I’m completely in love with them. It feels more freeing than having to hide because not only are they both friends, they understand me. I wish I realised this sooner and was able to have better, healthier relationships.
For more stories on relationships and the many ways they come, please click here
So your man is cheating, but you want to remain with him and don’t know how to do it? Never fear, here is the Zikoko guide to staying with a cheating man.
1) Take it to God in prayer
Ask God to give you the grace to continue in the marriage. There is nothing God cannot do, including making his penis fall off. Constant prayer might even lead to his penis being stolen every time he wants to cheat. The man is what is more important, there are many penises in the sea.
2) Be friends with his mistresses
A happy home is a healthy home and all parts of the home should be accounted for, including the mistresses. They say to keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer, so what better way to keep your enemies closer than to unionize with them to overthrow the source of your stress? Unions work.
3) Give him children
It is possible the reason he is able to cheat is because there are not enough children in the house to take his attention. We all know busy fathers do not have time to cheat, so start giving him children. The children do not even have to be his biologically, but the point is to give them to him.
4) Cheat back
If you are too busy planning your next dick appointment, you will not have time to worry about what he is doing. However they want to look at it, Ojoro cancels ojoro and the marriage becomes peaceful.
5) Be the source of his peace
The only ultimate source of peace is death, so for him to attain true peace RIP that man.
6) Tap into your divine feminine energy
When you have fully realised yourself as a divine feminine, things like cheating will be beneath you. Ascend and become the woman you were meant to be.
7) Be matured about it
Only mature women can really hack how to stay with a cheating man. When you mature like corn that is ready to be roasted, the ability to stay with your man will only come naturally. Matured women know that it one penis forever
I’ve always been utterly fascinated by people who cheat on their partners and have always wondered what happened or why they decided to. Luckily, my job allows me to explore this curiosity and ask questions and get to the root of things like this. So I did just that. I spoke to several people I knew personally as well as people I met over the internet who have cheated on their partners and here are some of the most interesting answers I got from six Nigerian men who cheated on their partners on why they did so.
Abel, 31.
I honestly feel people are mostly lying when they give plenty of excuses as to why they cheat. For me, it was a decision – a bad decision but still a decision. I was at a party and this girl and we clicked. I knew this was a bad idea but I took her over to mine. I know I was aware enough and made that decision, there was no reason other than I was horny and saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive.
Charles, 24.
I’ve been in a relationship for over a year and I haven’t been faithful for about half of it. I know it’s a dick thing to say and do but after a while, people lose that special allure and you just want something different. I may cheat but I love her and treat her right. I just don’t think I can stay away from all the other many options of babes out there and I don’t want to open the relationship because I can’t imagine her being with someone else.
Eric, 26.
So what happened was someone was flirting with me heavily on Instagram and I wanted to say ‘no’ but he was fine and it felt good being flirted with like that. He eventually came over and we had sex. I can lie and say I forgot or any other excuse but I didn’t, to be honest. Anyways, it’s been months and he isn’t any wiser.
Harry, 29.
For me, it was actually simple. I wanted it to be an open relationship but when she refused, I simply went on to have an open relationship without her. I don’t have feelings for any of the girls I sleep with and I make sure they are people that are far removed from both of us to avoid drama. I don’t want to ruin our relationship but a closed relationship just won’t work for me so this is the best.
Derek, 27.
It happened when I was in my penultimate year. I cheated on my girl with this lady – let’s call her Lilian. I had been friends with Lilian longer than I’ve known my girl. And I’ve been trying to have sex with her since the first day I saw her. We would make out, she would talk and I’ll listen. We became close but didn’t have sex. All this while I was single and she was in between relationships. But on this faithful day, I went to see Lilian. Long story short she said ‘I need you now.’ We had sex but there was a problem, I didn’t nut. She came over to my house the next day and we had sex again and this time I was determined to nut but still nothing. The trippy thing though is I went back to school on Monday. Everything was sweet and smooth with my girl. When we tried to have sex, she went ‘did you cheat on me?’ I lied and said no because she had an exam that day. And the next day. Immediately after the exams, I told her and she was like ‘I knew.’ She goes why? and ‘can I see her pictures?’ I showed her and she goes ‘oh, you want bigger boobs or what’ or ‘is she freakier than me?’ I tell her ‘yes but that was not the reason I cheated’. Then she tells me she needs a reason and till today, I don’t have one.
Sam, 30.
We’d been together for about half a year, we’d met through a friend. It was great, he was smart and well-read. But then I realized he had a huge chip on his shoulder about our different economic circumstances. Also started to get the feeling he saw me as some sort of trophy. This was when he wasn’t making me feel undesirable. So yeah, I slept with his friend whilst we were together. We even all hung out together.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
In my first month at Zikoko, I put a call out for Nigerian women to tell me about their proposals. Cynthia* was one of the women that reached out to me. I thought it was interesting that she was a bisexual married woman, and I wanted to know how that worked so I asked a few more questions. Here’s what she told me:
I was ten when I first kissed a girl. She was a light-skinned girl like me and we lived in the same compound. She already had boobs, and it was fun to touch. When I was 13, I kissed a boy too, and I liked it. I didn’t put a name on my sexuality until I was 16.
I was doing my diploma in primary health care at the time. I met a lot of people and they taught me different things. There, I learned that I am bisexual. I learned about sex. I dated boys and girls throughout my university. Although I had to hide my relationships with women so no one reported us to the school authorities, I loved that I was able to express myself.
In 2015, I went to a friend’s wedding and I met Osi*. He was the groom’s best man. He was older than every other man I had dated and I found that sexy. He was easy to talk to, and he didn’t judge me. When I told him about my sexuality, he joked about the possibility of a threesome. We never got to it because we lived in different states.
After dating for about two years, he came with his dad to tell my dad that he was interested in getting married to me. I was 25. I told him he didn’t need to propose — he could just give me the darn ring and get it over with. He wanted it to be special.
In June 2016, we went for a weekend getaway. It was a lovely experience away from the Lagos noise. On the night before we returned, we were arguing when he tossed the ring box at me. I cried so much I didn’t hear the actual proposal. He was on one knee and all of that. I was just giddy. After I said yes, he asked if we could watch a movie. The television came on and it was videos of my family, friends and my colleagues saying congratulations to us. I emptied out my tear ducts that night.
We got married in mid-2017. A few months into the marriage, I realised that my husband and I communicate differently. He could say A, I would say B and neither of us would comprehend what the other meant before making decisions. There was always an expectation that I would change my choices or plans to accommodate his own. We spent a lot of our time trying to prove we were right. By the time, I realised how far we’ve gone into our fights and tried to makeup, he would stop talking to me.
He would ignore my questions and refuse to engage me on little things like how his day went. Eventually, I gave him space. The most frustrating thing for me was the lack of intimacy. He held back from sex and wouldn’t even touch me as punishment for whatever it is I did he wasn’t happy with. I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant but even that didn’t change his behaviour towards me. He continued treating me like I wasn’t living in the same house with him, carrying his child.
The pregnancy was a sensitive one so I spent most of the nine months either at my parents’ house or at the hospital. This only made us grow more distant. Things became worse after I gave birth to our daughter. We fought over everything. In a day, we would argue about three times and lose whatever progress we’d made.
One time his mum came over. After spending a few days with us, she reported to him that I wasn’t sending her on errands. Osi was angry with me for not asking his mother for help, after all that’s why she was around. It didn’t make any sense to me to send a 70+ woman to boil my bathing water or make my food when I wasn’t paying her to work. He didn’t understand that I was respectful of her. We fought about it for months.
I opened up to a friend and he encouraged me to open an anon account to express myself. So I created an Instagram account. I met another married woman with an anon account. We became friends — she encouraged me to open a Twitter account and I did. That’s how I met Isi*. I was immediately attracted to her. We would exchange messages for hours. Talking to her helped me see how bad my communication problem was. We met in person like a month after but we never had sex because the opportunity never came. What we had was more of an emotional connection than a sexual connection.
My husband became suspicious. Whenever I leave the room to talk to her, he would ask who I went to talk to. He always wanted to know who I was talking to and how I was talking to them. I would tell him I am talking to my friend and she wanted to talk privately. I could tell he knew there was more I wasn’t saying so I ended things with her. I went back to trying to make things work with him.
He was still distant, and I was tired of feeling alone in my marriage so I reported him to his sister. She and her husband decided to talk to him. I don’t know what they told him but he started to warm up to me again.
Before we got married, he was open to trying out new things with me. We were always playing with sex toys or trying to tick something off our sex bucket list but he changed after we got married. Sex became pretty much basic so I went back to my anon accounts.
This time, I resolved to keep it online. No physical contact — just sexts and nudes. Our daughter is going to be two in a few weeks, and I wonder if things between me and her father are ever going to change or if I made a big mistake marrying him. There is a lot of work to be done to make this marriage work but I don’t know how long I’m willing to commit to it.
If your Nigerian boyfriend or, even worse, husband has the audacity to catch you having an affair, it is only right you deal with him for not facing his front.
Here are 11 ways to punish him
1. Ask him to kneel down, raise up his hands and close his eyes.
Since he wants to behave like a child, it’s only right you punish him like one.
2. Make him write “I will learn to mind my business” 1000 times in a notebook.
Since he has time to be catching you cheating, give him work to do.
3. Don’t give him food for one week.
Hunger will force him to change his ways. Advise him to also pray about his inability to mind his business, so it won’t be like he is doing hunger strike.
4. Tell him to write a public apology and print it on the front page of a Nigerian newspaper
This is the barest minimum to be very honest, he needs to let his people know he is an amebo.
5. Tell him to make a video confessing to the world that he, [insert name], doesn’t mind his business.
And you better hold his hands while he makes that video, in fact, wear your Sunday best for your appearance in the video.
6. Follow him to his place of work and make him confess his evil act.
They’ll probably say it’s a personal issue, but tell them this: “If a man can snoop in women’s business, what is the assurance that he is dealing with your company in complete honesty?”
7. Follow him to his church, mosque, or shrine, and make him announce what he did.
Shebi he knows how to do amebo? You too you know how to publicize that work.
8. Ask him to tweet every one hour, his evil deed.
Schedule the tweets! “REMINDER: I, [insert name] snooped on my love It was a foolish, careless act, and I want to say I am sorry.”
Men, who are often considered the wreckers of relationships, are rarely considered as victims of heartbreak. I spoke to four Nigerian men about their experiences. Here’s what they had to say.
Bayo, 27
I’m always the one getting broken up with, so I have plenty of break up stories.
The first one dumped me for no reason. The second one met someone on Twitter and told me she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. She later found out the dude was engaged. The third one was asking me about marriage like a month after I moved to Lagos and because I told her I wasn’t thinking about marriage yet, she and her friends sent me a voice note calling me unprintable names. Last year, she reconnected and apologized and tried to rekindle the relationship. I later found out that at some point she tried to sleep with my best friend probably as a way to spite me.
But it’s the last one that pained me the most and the only relationship I ever regretted having. I really loved her but she was always paranoid because I was never jealous and we never got into fights. I always had to reassure her I wasn’t going anywhere. She had my phone password and replied to my messages. She would wake me up at 3 in the morning to comfort her till dawn. One time, I was hyping up my friends’ pictures and she got really mad because she thought I was flirting. She threw a tantrum and after I calmed her down, she said it was because she didn’t want to lose me.
One day, out of the blue, she asked if I had ever cheated on her. She begged and pleaded for me to tell her, that she wouldn’t get mad. I kept reassuring her that I didn’t. The next day, she called me, upset and crying. I sent her funny videos, memes, sang for her, all in a bid to cheer her up, but she kept crying. The next day, she broke up with me, saying she didn’t feel the same way anymore. I asked if it was my fault but she said “you were perfect,” but she just didn’t like me anymore. I was broken. She asked me not to hate her and she left me standing where I was. I know she cheated on me and broke up with me out of guilt.
No breakup has hurt me that much because I looked back and felt so stupid because of the way I had invested myself in the relationship. It nearly turned me into a horrible person but I decided not to give her the power.
Charles
I was in 100-level and this was my first proper girlfriend. She had stayed in my house for a couple of days and I had noticed she was moving funny and getting some strange calls. I’m not the type of guy to ask who was calling and all of that, so I let it slide. She told me she wanted to go meet her class rep to submit some assignments, blah blah blah.
A couple of hours later, a couple of my guys invited me to go drink beer at a popular hotel near UNILORIN. We had a few drinks and I needed to pee. The path that leads to the toilet goes past some of the hotel rooms. As I was walking past, one of the rooms had its windows open and in the corner of my eye, I saw some people fucking. Lo and behold, it was my babe. I couldn’t believe it. I was paralysed in shock but I left. When I was breaking up with her, I was so macho and being a bad guy about it but when she left I just curled up into a ball on my bed and cried my eyes out into my pillow. It was so painful.
Leke
In 2018, I was dating one short BBW. Things were going all lovey-dovey until we had one minor argument. I can’t even remember what the argument was about but I apologised immediately but she continued to give me an attitude. Normally, I wouldn’t be bothered about walking away but I had fallen madly in love with her. I kept going to her house to apologise but she wasn’t having it, saying she needed a break. One day, I was going to her house with gifts when I met her outside her house, kissing another man. The guy had his hands all wrapped around her and was even rubbing her body. I was devastated. She saw me, made eye contact and looked away. I wanted to die. As per gentlemen, I turned back and headed back to my house with my tail between my legs. I had never felt so broken. When I got home, everyone was asking if I was fine and I said I was but deep inside, I was hurting badly. I’m never going to give anyone the chance to do that to me again.
Dubem
We were in med school together and had dated for four years. We lived together in the last two years of med school and had so many plans and dreams for our future. Six months to my graduation, she started deleting my pictures from her Instagram. When I asked why, she said her father just joined and might see it. I didn’t think much of it because I trusted her. I finally graduated and left for Nigeria.
One day, she called and asked me, “What if there’s someone better for both of us out there?” I was dumbfounded and she went on to say she needed a break. I asked for how long and she said two weeks. When I called after the agreed time, she said the break was the best two weeks of her life. She also said she needed someone who will spoil her silly and I barely send her any money asides the 20k I regularly gave her from my 98k housemanship salary. I wished her all the best because there’s nothing wrong with her wanting better, but inside I was devastated. It took me some time, but I healed. She taught me that you should never settle for less than you think you deserve.
Nigerian babes believe in diversifying their hearts to allow for multiple streams of affection. How do you know if your girlfriend is doing that? If she does any of these suspiciously romantic things, you have your proof that she is cheating.
1. When she does something wrong and actually apologises.
She used all her energy to argue with her side piece. She is cheating.
2. When she decides to treat you to a fancy date.
She’s feeling guilty about something. Don’t fall for that.
3. When she tells you about a new restaurant to try out.
How did she discover the place if not through her side piece? She is definitely cheating.
4. When she buys you random, thoughtful gifts.
She’s trying to blind you with affection. Guy, wake up.
5. When she comes back from an outing and starts loving up on you.
It’s leftover horniness from cheating on you.
6. When she offers to cook for you.
What woman offers to cook for a man if not that she is feeling guilty for cheating?
7. When you complain about being broke and she credits your account.
She is overcompensating for something. That babe is cheating.
8. When you meet her best friends and they are all girls.
She’s hiding the man. That babe is cheating on you.
9. When her friends act nice to you.
They are definitely covering up for her. She is cheating.
10. When she posts you on social media.
She is using that one to get your guard down. Dig deep, you’ll see that she is cheating.
11. When she calls you affectionate pet names.
She doesn’t want to accidentally call you the wrong name. That woman is definitely cheating.
12. When she tries something new in bed with you.
Her side nigga taught her that. She is cheating.
13. When she tells you her phone passcode.
She has cleared all evidence of her cheating so you won’t find out.
14. When she says yes to your marriage proposal.
She knows that being married is a good cover for bad behaviour. She wants to cheat forever.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Fell In Love While Cheating With Each Other
Farida*, 27, and Favour*, 28, have been together for one year. For today’s Love Life, they talk about cheating on their ex-partners with each other as a form of self-care and eventually falling in love.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Favour: My partner at the time told me about a queer person on her timeline, so I checked out her Twitter page. She was wearing this blue dress and had a big afro.
Farida: LOL.
Favour: I remember na. That your big afro.
Farida, what was your earliest memory of Favour?
Farida: Ironically, my partner also mentioned her to me. I saw her tweet and followed it to her page. I liked her tweets and display picture. She was wearing a black T-shirt and black jeans.
She had this boss babe vibe, but I didn’t have any attraction towards her then. I was just trying to find more queer women around me at that time, so it was nice to find her.
Do you remember your first conversation?
Favour: Our mutual friend introduced us to each other. She gave her my number and gave me hers. Farida texted me a few days later. I don’t even remember what she said.
Weren’t both of you in relationships? Why was your friend linking you up?
Favour: I was in a particularly miserable relationship, and I decided to step out for self-care. I wanted to do stuff with other people, so I reached out to my friend, Tomi* and I was like, “Sis, I want to cheat.”
Tomi said she was going to spread the word. That was how she went to Farida.
Farida: When Tomi came to me, she asked if I knew any single babe that would like to be a side chick. A week before that conversation, I found out my partner was cheating on me. She was texting like three people. I was devastated. I didn’t know how to react.
I thought our relationship was perfect, and we were going to end up together. For the first time in my life, I considered staying with a cheating partner, even though I planned to do my own back.
So when Tomi came to me, I was like, “Me too, I am looking for side chick.” That was how I texted her, “Hey, I’m here oh.”
Oh wow.
Favour: We even had a name for it — cheating as self-care. LMAO.
Farida: We just wanted to cheat and return to our lives. I didn’t think I would be able to start over with someone new.
How did you now end up in a relationship?
Favour: We played ourselves to be honest. The idea was that we would have sex and keep it pushing, but the problem started when we kept texting each other for two months before meeting physically.
Farida: It was during the lockdown, so we couldn’t see each other for a while.
Favour: Yeah. After the first hookup, we went back to our individual lives, but we discovered that we lived close to each other. So, we started hanging out — not to have sex, just vibe. She would come to my place, and we would watch movies.
We would talk about our partners being bastards and laugh. We love laughing. It helped us stay sane, but we were supposed to be cheating. Why are you coming to chill in someone’s house you were only supposed to be having sex with?
We even celebrated a monthiversary.
Farida: Who celebrates a monthiversary? LMAO. It was elaborate. I got a customised card with our pictures on it.
Favour: I am grand as fuck. I did a whole presentation. No jokes. It had pictures and music.
Are you sure you weren’t already in a relationship by this time?
Farida: LOL. Nope. We were celebrating a month of finally meeting up physically and having sex.
Favour: LOL. It was a grand event. The smart TV was playing the presentation with music. There were balloons too. I set up the lighting. It was a good production.
For two people who were supposed to be cheating, you can see that we don’t really have sense. Anyways, around that time, we went on a date. I’ll let Farida tell you about the caveat.
Farida: Our first hangout was at a hotel because we had only talked about having sex. We spent the evening laughing at our silly jokes. We only had sex at the end to fulfil all righteousness. It was good sex, but it wasn’t our best.
The next time we saw, she asked me to come over to the island where she had a project she was working on. She wanted us to have a proper date. LOL. We were planning dates. I don’t know who thinks like that.
I got to the restaurant — it was a nice space with a beautiful view of the ocean. After that, she decided to take us on a boat cruise. We did a little shopping at the supermarket before the trip. We bought champagne and food, ready for a nice time.
Favour: The boat cruise was really nice.
Farida: It was awesome. She rented the boat for two hours. It was just us on the boat. When we got to Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge, we told the driver to stop so we could take a kissing picture in front of the bridge. It was cool.
Afterwards, we started to hang out more, but it was like we had forgotten the sex part of our deal. We enjoyed each other’s company a lot. I don’t think we had sex again until we started dating.
That’s interesting.
Favour: She even took me to my first protest.
Farida: Yes. There was this protest against sexual violence. She told me she had never been to a protest.
Favour: Because things can go south.
Farida: I live for protests. I was surprised that she had never been to one. We live in this Nigeria, in this world, where everything is crazy. So I took her to the first one.
Wait. Where were your partners at this point?
Favour: Two months into my thing with Farida, I broke up with my partner. Farida was still in a relationship, but I asked her to come with me on a getaway. So, we went to a beach house for a weekend. It was a wonderful experience for us.
We ended up spending about 4 days there. We talked about everything. That was when I told her that I wanted to be with her. We had deep conversations. I told her about my fears, the things I was going through and what I wanted. She told me hers as well.
We stayed away from everything else, everyone else. It’s one of my favourite memories of us. We had so much fun. We swam. We were almost in a music video. LMAO. Then I rented out a cinema, so we could watch a movie together.
Na wa oh.
Favour: I know right. At this point, she was lying that she was not falling in love oh. Lori Iro. Iro Kpo.
Farida: Don’t mind this woman, please. I am a principled person, so I was like, “We started this thing to cheat, why are we falling in love?” When she invited me on the getaway, I was happy because I needed to clear my head too.
My relationship wasn’t getting any better. I couldn’t move on from the cheating thing with my partner. So the beach house was a chance to talk about these things. At some point, we were crying. It was a healing experience to be honest.
If we remembered the world, it was probably because of work. I think that’s when I began to love her.
Favour: Please, say it again, let them hear.
Farida: LMAO. She asked me to be her partner, but I wasn’t in that space yet. I was trying to work things out with my partner, who I had been with for one year. I had lived my life around this person.
I was used to doing stuff like picking her up — I would leave the mainland to Ikoyi to pick her up from work. I had a routine. I felt like I had planned my life enough for it not to go down the drain just like that. I wasn’t so quick to leave my ex for Favour.
Then someone reported us to our partners, and they came for us with guns blazing.
WAIT. WHAT?
Favour: We had been seeing each other for four months when this bastard reported us.
Farida: The Lagos queer community is so small — everybody knows everybody. This person was Favour’s friend but also a friend of my partner at the time.
Somehow, the friend found out that we were seeing each other and she immediately went to tell my partner to pay more attention to me because it looks like I was cheating on her. It opened a can of worms, but I denied it sha.
Favour: That period was crazy. They wanted us dead. LMAO.
Farida: After a while, I realised I was holding onto rubbish and that’s how we started dating.
What’s the best part of your relationship?
Favour: There are so many beautiful parts of our relationship. One of my favorites is that we are good friends. We are also kind to each other. I particularly like how she genuinely cares about me.
I do a lot of work every day — I wake up by my laptop at 7 am and remain there till about 10 pm. She asks if I’m okay. She brings me juice to help me relax. She does cute things like that even when we are fighting. Another thing I love about us is our cat.
Farida: I love that she said it already. I love that we are friends and that we are really supportive of each other. When I’m going through anything, I know I can come to her to be loved and reassured. It’s something I wanted in a relationship, and it’s nice to have it. She’s a softy. It’s refreshing being with her.
Aww. What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Farida: I like how she makes people feel. She could come into a room full of strangers and while everybody is keeping to themselves because they are strangers, she would go round the room to make everyone feel good.
One encounter with her can make you feel like you’ve known her for ages. She would know that you have two kids or that you have a sick mom. She lights up every room she enters. It’s amazing to watch.
Favour: Myfavourite thing about her is that she’s a voltron. If you have enemies, call her. She will fight them for you. I really like how fierce she is about me, about us. I’ve never felt that way before, like nobody is that concerned about me.
I have always been the saviour in my past relationships. I’ve never had someone that could take bullets for me. Sometimes it gives me courage. I legit say, I’ll tell my partner for you, when someone annoys me. I like how she’s focused is on her goals.
She goes out of her way to help even when it has nothing to do with her. There was a point when I was feeling like I wasn’t doing my best work, she came up with helpful solutions. It kind of helped me get my head back in the game.
That’s so sweet. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Favour: A solid 10. It’s the kindest relationship I’ve been in. She doesn’t make me less than I am or try to take advantage of me. 10/10, I recommend.
Farida: 10 because this is the most attentive partner I have been with. I had a major exam that took a toll on me, and she was so supportive. She would leave work and bring food for me. It was so sweet because I don’t have a lot of friends.
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Have you ever wondered why and how some women become side chicks? If they regret it or how they felt when they found out? Well, these twelve Nigerian women share their experience as side chicks.
Amaka, 27
I was 21 and had just gotten out of University. I met him at my best friend’s party at a club. He was the friend of my other friend’s boyfriend. He was hitting on me the entire night, and we eventually left the club together. We decided to get a hotel room and on the way to the hotel right in the middle of the bridge at about 3:30am, he told me he was married. I was very horny and it was late, but honestly even if he told me during the day I would have still gone ahead. The next morning, we said our goodbyes and I never planned on seeing him again, but he kept calling me and sending his friend to me. I eventually saw him again and we started a proper relationship where I was his girlfriend.
There were times his wife would call him and I’ll be riding him. I even remember a time he was on the phone with his father in law and we were having sex. We kept seeing each other even after his wife got back. I never disrespected her, and neither did he. I was just in my own corner, and I never wanted her husband to myself or anything. The sex was amazing, and that’s all I wanted from him. We never even talked about her. Sometimes, I even forget she exists. It wasn’t like we were sharing a man. It was one man for both of us. I never felt guilty.
Mary, 31
I was serving in Uyo at the time, but we started talking when I visited a friend in Lagos. He was good to me and the sex was amazing. When I had to choose between moving to Lagos or Abuja, I chose Lagos mainly because of him. When I moved, he casually mentioned he was seeing another woman and I was heartbroken. She was richer than me and they had been dating for about two years before me so I was not expecting him to dump her for me. While we were together, he would never let his phone ring and he never mentioned her. When we were together, I was the only girl. Eventually, she broke up with him by getting married to another man.
Patricia, 26
I did not know she was seeing someone else until the fourth date. While we were hanging out, she got a call and asked me to not speak. I found it weird because the first time we met was at her cousin’s house, so I knew she didn’t care about people knowing about me. After the call, I asked who it was and she said it was her girlfriend. I was obviously shocked cause I had no idea, but she quickly followed up with how she wanted a black girl she could hang with and could understand her. I knew I was not trying to get into a relationship so I just agreed and never asked about the girlfriend. Eventually, I found out it was actually her fiancé.
Linda, 21
I thought I had found the one, but apparently not. One day I went to visit him and she came and met me there. When I got home, I asked who the girl was and he said it was his girlfriend. He told me he thought I knew he had a girlfriend? How was I supposed to know? I was hurt when I found out, but it is in the past.
Jasmine, 22
I knew I was a side chick from the beginning. Technically I also had a boyfriend at the time, so he was my side as well. I felt very guilty, and I honestly believe I got my karma back. We started dating after he ended his relationship, and he ended up cheating on me with different women for the entire length of our two year relationship. I still really regret it, and I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it.
Titi, 25
I always know I am a side chick. I walk into it with my eyes wide open. Currently, I even am a side chick. I met the first one when I was still in school. We were “together” for two years. Met the current one through a mutual friend a few months ago. It’s going okay, and since I am on my way to catching feelings it will soon be time to tap out. I never feel guilty because I’m not the one committed to anybody. It might also be because I’ve been quite desensitized from relationships. I know if I was the woman I won’t really care.
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I went clubbing with a friend and her boyfriend in 2017. I got so drunk, I went home with a stranger to have my first one night stand. A few days later, a strange number started texting me repeatedly, and it was Dan*. He said he was friends with my friend’s boyfriend and he wanted us to spend the night together. I was very pissed, so I told him never to text me again. He probably realized that he fucked up, so he apologized. I still wasn’t interested in hanging out with him, but we started texting once in a while. He asked to hang out a couple of times, and I refused every time. Until one Friday evening, I was really bored in my apartment so I just decided to go. We hung out at a bar, went to a club after, and even had sex at the club.
About 6 months into our relationship, he confessed that he got my number from the guy I had a one night stand with. Apparently, they were childhood friends and had a WhatsApp group. The guy had told everyone in the group that he had an amazing night and a threesome with some girls he had met at the club (We never had a threesome). I was already in love with him at that time, so although I was angry I let it slide. I don’t feel guilty because I honestly don’t think anyone can understand me as much as he does. What we have isn’t just sexual. He has been there for me through all the worst times of all my life and I don’t know how I’d be doing if I didn’t have him.
I don’t want him to leave his wife for me because I know what we have is temporary. Although my relationship with him affects my romantic relationship with other people, I know that we have to move on from each other soon. I’m still young and trying to get my life together, so I’m not bothered. Plus, he’s like a senior colleague. He studied the same thing I did in university and is quite successful in that field. He’s helping me a lot with my career. One day we’ll no longer be together, but he’s my best friend so I hope we’ll always remain friends.
Wunmi, 22
I’ve not had any drama of anyone calling me to leave their man because I usually “chop and clean mouth”. I don’t call the man after 7pm, I don’t text first unless I need to, and I act like I don’t know him whenever I see him in public. That way everyone is happy; my bills are being paid, he’s getting his orgasms, and his wife is happy in her illusion.
Zainab, 20
We were friends with benefits for about three months, and one day after we had sex she just casually mentioned how she was going to her girlfriend’s house. I was shocked because she never mentioned a girlfriend to me. Technically I had a girlfriend at the time too, but it was an open relationship and my friend with benefits was aware. She asked me if I wanted to end the relationship, but I said no. After I found out she had a girlfriend, it was like the sex got better. The thought of being caught was so exciting.
Ginika
I was working as an intern, and this guy I worked with kept coming on to me. He was seven years older and wasn’t even my type, but I enjoyed the pursuit. Eventually we started seeing each other, but I went back to school. While in school, I would to go to his house for the weekend. One day, I asked him about a lady I kept seeing on his phone. He said they were just friends. Three months later while stalking his IG, I saw the same babe on his phone. I followed her and she accepted my follow request almost immediately. The first post on her page was a picture of them doing introduction. I felt like I was going to die. I also had an exam the next day, and I wonder how I passed. When I confronted him about it, he told tell me it was because I was so awesome he was afraid to let me go.
Oganya, 31
The first guy I am a side chick for was actually my boyfriend first. He cheated on me and then I stepped back. Eventually, he got married, but he found me one day and begged to remain in my life. I am happier here because he tells me somethings I know would have annoyed me if I was his wife. The second is just a friend of mine I have sex with. Both of them put me on to things that matter and I am really thankful for them. I don’t regret anything, and these men are my whole heart.
Yinka, 32
I was in the University in Accra and he worked in an oil company. I knew he was married from the beginning, but he kept talking about how he wished he had met me earlier and all that. I felt guilty. He was the first person I ever fell in love with, and I still subconsciously use him as a yardstick. Nobody has still been able to measure up because he was the complete package. He planned dates, staycations, cooked together and he taught me how to enjoy sex. I also chopped his dollars very well. We were always together.
The second time wasn’t even supposed to be a relationship. I was recovering from my heartbreak from the last man, and he was going through a rough marriage. We dated for three years, but his wife found out. We live in the same estate and I see her sometimes, but everyone will be alright eventually.
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Different women have different definitions of cheating. For some, it is more emotional than physical. These eight Nigerian women define cheating for us.
Zainab, 19
I don’t think I have a definition of cheating. Physical activities are physical, and I cannot stop you from hanging out with someone even if they like you or you like them. If you have sex with someone else that’s fine because I will too. It’s the lying I have a problem with. Just don’t lie about it. Don’t sneak around. Do it with your chest and if I can’t handle it anymore, I’d bounce.
Linda, 23
I am very particular about bonds and intimacy in terms of communication. So for me, cheating is having romantic feelings and acting on them with someone else while having a partner. Hanging out in date like settings and giving them energy that should only be exclusive to a partner.
Amaka, 19
Existing in other women’s spaces. I consider confiding in other women cheating. If you go to them for emotional support and personal stuff etc.
Cynthia, 33
I am not one of those people that say “sex is sex”. Sex is not just sex. Sexual activities are not just sexual activities and doing them with someone that is not your partner means you cheated.
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When I hear some people define cheating, they make it sound like you cannot breathe close to someone without them. Cheating to me is relationship spice, and a fun game to play. When I start getting bored with one partner, I cheat. Then when you “catch” me, I just beg and I am usually forgiven. My friends tell me it’s messed up and wicked, but aren’t we all a bit messed up and wicked?
Halima, 27
I guess I am very traditional. If you so much as look at another woman for longer than five seconds, you have cheated. What happened to lowering your gaze?
Lola, 19
For me cheating is engaging people in a way that you can’t openly do in front of your partner. It is also anything that you do with someone else that you have to hide from your partner. It could be flirting, touching them in a way or even talking about sexual things. If you have to hide it or would never let your partner see then you are cheating in some way.
Jane, 31
Cheating to me is when you do things with other people that you know your partner will not be comfortable with. If you know your partner will feel a kind of way they find out, you cheated.
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Gifting is a very important way of being reminded that your partner still cares about you, even when they are cheating. You can catch your cheating partner by the quality of gifts you receive this Valentine’s Day.
If you are gifted anything on this list, hold their collar till they confess.
1. A date at a fancy restaurant
How do they know this fancy restaurant you’ve never been to before? It’s because they have already tried it out with one of their hoes. If you look well, you’ll see that the waiter even recognises them.
Order the most expensive thing on the menu for revenge.
2. Scented candles
If they buy you scented candles, it is because they don’t want you to smell their other partners’ scent on them when they come home from a long day of shameless cheating.
Don’t light the candles until you have smelt them.
3. A flight ticket to an exotic resort
They have finished cheating at home, now they want to go international. While you are getting a massage, they will have enough time to sneak around and find new people to cheat on you with.
Do not let them out of your sight.
4. New clothes
If they do this, they are projecting the style of their favourite lover onto you. They are using style to tell you that the way you dress isn’t up to par, and that’s why they are cheating in the first place.
You can use the clothes to fish out who in their life dresses like that.
5. A life-size teddy bear
Not only are they cheating, but they do not plan to stop. They know they will be out cheating day and night, so they have decided to give you a companion for all times they won’t be around.
Reject that gift immediately.
6. Great sex
In this case, they have cheated so much that they have now become experts at making others cum nine times in one day. They now want to give you leftover pleasure.
One of the sadder facts of life is that cheating happens. It, for the most part, can’t be helped. No one knows exactly just how much cheating happens in relationships and studies into cheating and how much they occur have given varying results. An expert quoted in a Refinery29 article suggests cheating occurs in about 20 to 60 percent of romantic relationships while a published study says it happens in 70 percent of all marriages. While it is hard to place an actual number of how much cheating gets done within monogamous romantic relationships, one thing is certain in just about any and every study or statistics there is about cheating: men cheat more. At least that much we know for a fact.
For today’s story, we spoke to four Nigerian men who not only cheated on their partners but were caught and we asked them what happened next.
Peter, Straight, 28
‘‘My ex-girlfriend’s friends never liked me because they said they had heard stories about me and girls. In all honesty, I wasn’t cheating when they were suspecting me of it. So in a way, they might have caused it, you know how the law of attraction works, yeah? Anyway, I had a side chick a year into the relationship. We — side-chick and I — were spotted by one of her friends in a club when we were in Abuja. Before I could say Jack Robinson, my girlfriend was calling me and asking me where I was and who I was with. I tried ‘explaining’ but when I came back to Lagos there was a big fight oh. Eventually, we made up and I promised to never do it again and I thought things were okay. I said I’ll apologize to her friends and stuff. One day, more than a week later, I came back and she had moved out. That wouldn’t have been too bad but she took everything she ever bought for me including the TV, throw pillows, bedsheets, basically the whole kitchen. Everything. When I asked my neighbor’s househelp, she said my ex-girlfriend and her friends packed everything in their cars and just zoomed out. I wanted to cry, I wish she had left without the stuff she bought.’’
Fred, Straight, Age Undisclosed
‘‘When I cheated, I frankly didn’t mean to hurt her. I genuinely hoped that she would never find out. I slept with a babe I met on Tinder and it was really just sex. When I am off the app, I hide my profile and turn it on only when I am on it. I immediately block anyone that might know me and I don’t use my actual face, just a side view. Unfortunately for me, someone I was chatting with knew her but I didn’t know the girl. Then a few days later — mind you the girl had stopped replying to my texts at this point — my girlfriend asked me why I was still on Tinder. I said I wasn’t. She opened her phone and showed me screenshots that had been sent to her. Then as she was swiping, she showed me screenshots she had taken on my phone – meaning somehow this babe discovered what my password was and opened my phone — and sent it to her phone including very obviously sexual conversations. Long story short, we were yelling at each other. She was accusing me of being a cheat and I was talking about privacy. At some point, she took an actual pestle to hit me. We had to settle it with the police, by the next day I went back to my house and that was it. I finally deleted Tinder.’’
Bolu, Gay, 25
‘‘My ex-boyfriend is considerably well-to-do. He has a great career while I am a struggling creative. He was okay taking care of me and the bills and stuff and I basically lived at his. Then I fucked up really badly. I slept with a not-so-close friend of his. To be honest, more than one. I was young and very stupid. When he eventually found out, to be honest, he was more sad than angry. He felt like his insecurities were validated and he kept asking if he was doing something wrong. I won’t lie, I felt like shit. I begged and asked that we move forward and that it won’t happen again. He agreed. But his close friends weren’t having it. They had always felt like I was using him which I wasn’t and that I was with him because I was broke which isn’t true. They started doing this thing where they would come around to my ex-boyfriend’s place where I was and ignore me and I could tell they were talking about me to him in an unflattering way because my ex-boyfriend’s behavior towards me started changing. It took about a month then one day, he came back and said it had to end. After the relationship ended, all his friends unfollowed and blocked me and I am pretty sure they blacklisted me in the industry. Stress lol.’’
Ifeanyi, Straight, 37
‘‘My wife is very suspicious, she suspects everyone. Househelp, her friends, even her relatives. She thinks I am cheating on her with somebody even when I am not. It is a bit draining. And it made it so that when i finally cheated on her, I think she lowkey felt validated. I used to take my son to his school and pick him up and then I started noticing his class teacher. Young and very fine lady. We started talking and eventually exchanged numbers. I’ll dash her some money when I drop off my kid and one day, I asked her to meet me on a Saturday for lunch. We ended up having sex. It went on for a while and it stopped because other teachers noticed and one called my wife, I am still not sure who. My wife went to the owner of the school and told her. I was so mad. My wife found the address of the teacher and went there to threaten her. Then told me she was giving me one week to round up what we had. So I stopped the relationship, eventually, we changed my son’s school and that was it.’’
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex
Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Ijeoma: So, recently, my boyfriend has been attending lots of weddings and we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we used to, even though we live in the same state.
Wait. You have a boyfriend?
Peter: LMAO. That’s what I said.
Ijeoma: Peter, please.
What is going on here?
Ijeoma: See, we will gist you everything as it happened and, yes, I have a boyfriend. We were going through a “thing” when I met Peter.
Peter: LMAO. A thing indeed.
Ijeoma: So, the first time I met Peter was at an event I attended with a mutual friend of ours. He caught my eye immediately, but I thought to myself, “Omo! Man na man. I have one and I’m not looking for anything,” but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about him a lot.
Peter: Who would have thought? To be fair, I was also thinking about you. I saw her walk in, with her cute nose and that ass. I did a double take when she turned to speak to someone.
Ijeoma: I know, I caught you stealing glances and Sarah* told me you had asked about me.
So, what happened from there?
Ijeoma: It was good vibes from the jump, and I loved his energy. Once we went past that stranger-danger phase, it was just pure magic.
Peter: Yes. She is funny and super easy to talk to, so we just kept at it for the rest of the event. When it was time to leave, we got each other’s IG handles and said our goodbyes.
Why IG handles, not phone numbers?
Ijeoma: It was easier.
Peter: Is it weird to say that phone numbers felt like too much at the time? I mean, we vibed at the event and all, but we didn’t really know each other well enough to take it that far. Social media handles felt like a safer option. If things die there, it’s easier to forget and move on than if they have your number. You get?
Uhm no, but okay.
Ijeoma: LMAO. From there, oga started DMing me on IG and it was fun. A week later, I had another event to go to, so I casually asked him if he wanted to come with me. But a couple of hours to the thing, I realised that I didn’t want to see him…
Peter: Please, tell me, what do women want?
Ijeoma: I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to have to stare at your face throughout the event. How hard is that to understand? His face is distracting.
Peter: Anyway, we ended up agreeing that I would pick her up from the event.
Ijeoma: This is where things got interesting. I had about three bottles of wine in me and my body was humming with excitement. I just knew I wanted to fuck him. When I knew he was outside waiting for me, I literally skipped like a schoolgirl out of that building, grinning ear to ear. See ehn, wine-induced horniness is dangerous.
We went back to his place and talked. The room had started to sway, but I kept looking straight at him, imagining things. He was so accommodating. He had my feet in his hands and was rubbing them while we talked. I then asked if I could kiss him and from there, we ended up having sex.
Peter: LMAO. It was amazing, and she’s so cute when she’s asleep.
WOW. So, drunk sex started this relationship?
Ijeoma: Yup, and it only got better. We kept meeting up and having beautiful moments together. We had sex a couple more times. I told my closest friends that I had found love outside my relationship. It all felt very magical and right.
Peter: I always look forward to hanging out with Ijeoma. Cooking for her is so fun because she’s not a picky eater — she enjoys unusual meals. Watching movies with her easily became the highlight of my week. Maybe it was the newness of it all.
Ijeoma: I guess, but then…. I found out about his girlfriend. That helped put things into perspective.
Oluwa, take control. What?
Ijeoma: Turns out his girlfriend and I run in the same circles, so we met some random day. She was going through her phone to show me something, and I saw his photo. I was like, “Oh! You know this guy?” and she was like, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.”
Did you feel betrayed?
Ijeoma: Initially, I was offended, but then I was like, “I’m doing the same thing.” Two days after the encounter, he came to pick me up and we went to his place. At some point in the evening, I told him I liked him.
Peter: Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit.
Ijeoma: That was when I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time. I remember saying, “I met your babe, and I’m not upset because I have a boyfriend too.” Peter just looked at me like WOW.
Peter: Women will disgrace you oh. I wasn’t even upset she had a man. I was more relieved because she was on the exact same page as me. If I was anything less than accepting of the confession, that would make me a hypocrite.
I have been muttering “WTF” since this interview started.
Ijeoma: I know. It’s pretty messed up. However, the whole “confession” thing really helped us define what we have.
Peter: Yes, we decided to be together but keep things under wraps.
Ijeoma: We now have a schedule for sex. There is an understanding of how things are. I try to avoid seeing his girlfriend and I keep my boyfriend happy enough not to suspect anything.
Do you feel guilty about doing this?
Ijeoma: Honestly, no.
Peter: Nope.
Ijeoma: LMAO. I don’t feel guilty because, with Peter, it’s just raw lust, there’s an animosity to the sex that I don’t get with my man. The orgasms are primal and they just rip through me.
I also believe that sex is sex and love is love. When I found out about Peter’s girlfriend, it was easy for me to put my feelings aside. I love my partner and I enjoy having sex with Peter. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Peter: I agree. The fact that we both easily accept having other partners yet maintaining what we have is evidence that we can separate lust from love. I love my girlfriend and all but this, for me, is just physical.
Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?
Peter: We are both cautious, so the likelihood of that happening is very low.
Ijeoma: Exactly. We are very careful. Also, there is no PDA, no pet names and emojis, nothing mushy. We don’t talk like anything is going on, just banter and good vibes. Appointments are made via calls and DMs. It’s pretty chill.
OMO. You guys have this thing on lock oh. Is this your first time cheating on your partner?
Peter: Not really. I had something else before, but it was during a break I had with my girlfriend.
Ijeoma: Properly, yes?
Wait, there is an improper way to… cheat?
Ijeoma: LMAO. Not really. I have done one or two things with other men, but Peter is the first guy I’m being intentional with.
Okay. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10.
Peter: 6/10. What we have is pretty sweet. We are such good friends with very similar interests and it makes the whole thing fun.
Ijeoma: Aww, simp. It’s a 5 for me. I mean, I like him and all, but I’m in love with someone else. We could stop having sex today and still be really good friends.
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If you’re desperate (or crazy, or Yoruba) enough to cheat on your partner, you need to realize that cheating is a high risk activity that can go south very easily. When you (almost inevitably) get caught, here are some excuses you can give to get yourself out of the situation.
If none of the excuses in the article work, just start begging.
1. “It was the devil”
This one isn’t even that much of an excuse; it’s a fact. The devil made you cheat. If it were up to you, you would not have lied to your girlfriend that you were playing FIFA at Bayo’s place while you were clapping cheeks at Sandra’s. The devil is a liar and he made you do it. Blame him. You just might get forgiven.
2. “It was a mistake”
You were on your own jogging on Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge, maintaining fitness just as you wrote in your new year’s resolution when you tripped and fell and started rolling uncontrollably until you got into another person’s bed.
3. “I thought we were in an open relationship”
Remind her of that time when she said: “Oh my God, RMD is so hot and sexy”. If she was calling another man hot with her chest, it means she was definitely sleeping with other men which means the relationship was open enough for you to do whatever you wanted. The blame isn’t on you for this one.
4. “You didn’t tell me I couldn’t cheat”
Tell your partner to bring out receipts from when they categorically told you that cheating wasn’t allowed in the relationship. If they can’t find any, then they don’t have a case.
5. “I was trying to be a good friend”
Explain that the person you cheated with was going through some emotional burden and you were just being there and providing everything they needed. A friend in need is a friend indeed.
6. “I couldn’t resist”
Use this when you cheat on your partner with your ex. It would make sense that you can’t resist because they have some sort of hold over you.
7. “It’s not what it looks like”
This is the go-to thing to say if you get caught. Just say it first and then start thinking of other things to say after.
Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity due to the misconception that they are less inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who had engaged in relationships without their husbands’ knowledge, and they shared some intriguing stories of infidelity.
Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was omitted in error.
Betty
Before I got married, I discovered that my fiance was a liar and a cheat. The feeling I felt, omo, I swore never to let myself feel that way ever again. I went on to marry him less than a year ago. Sounds strange, but the discovery killed any true love I had for him, but I didn’t want to start over with someone who would end up breaking my trust again. With this clarity, I began to flirt with some guys. So far, all I’ve had is phone sex with one of them. I actually plan to have sex with this new guy next year lol. By then, I’ll have lost some weight so the unveiling will be bomb as fuck. As for my marriage, we go dey alright last last. My previous definition of love ended up being a major scam. I ain’t a sucker for love anymore.
P.S: my new guy is also married. I find they are the best ones to have an affair with because everybody has something to lose, so no long thing.
Omotola
I had been dating for seven years when I met Mr C, who made me feel like I meant the world to him. During this period, I had a feeling my husband (boyfriend at the time) was cheating, so I went through his BBM and sure enough, saw incriminating things. I capitalised and asked for a break to think about things, even though he denied cheating. At this juncture, I started sleeping with Mr C and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I was kinda juggling two men.
I wanted to marry Mr C but I was forced into this marriage eight years ago. I was in such a bad place that, before the wedding, I decided that I would continue sleeping with Mr C. This continued for a year until my husband caught me. He was livid and felt like shit. I didn’t even know he had found out. It took him a while after he found out to bring it up with me. He had suspected I was up to something when I told him I was going to visit a friend for the weekend and followed me and found where I went to. Weirdly, he didn’t say anything the entire weekend even though we were chatting. He confronted me a few weeks later. Oh my, I was sure he was going to ask for a divorce but he didn’t.
That episode really broke him. I know I broke him. He never saw me the same way again, and we had known each other for seven years before we married. After that, I stopped seeing Mr C for about a year but picked up again because, tbh the sex was amazeballs. I eventually called it quits about a year ago when I relocated.
Oyin
I’ve been married for five years. The affair started in a stupid way, really. My ex kept texting me, telling me he missed me. Me I won’t lie, I missed him too, even before he texted me, but I didn’t miss him enough to cheat. He had shown some interest in some properties I was looking to sell so I decided to meet up with him without telling my husband. We met a couple of times but we remained civil. He didn’t know I was married and I opted not to mention it at first, but I told him when we met up. People weren’t aware that I was married; we chose not to announce our legal wedding because it was for relocation purposes. It was a quick wedding, to be honest.
After seeing a couple of times, the emotions became overwhelming. One day, we had sex. I felt really guilty about it but I couldn’t tell my husband the truth. We still needed to work together so it happened again. We used to meet up in the same house he lived when we were dating, which wasn’t a great idea at all. My husband eventually found out through my emails. I was quite absent from our home, so he felt a nudge to look through my emails and he found something incriminating. He was distraught, but he forgave me.
I made up my mind to discipline myself when I saw the hurt I put my husband through. I never went close to my ex again because I set up an accountability structure with my husband and it hasn’t happened since. We even had to change churches because my ex was a member of our church. My husband suggested it to completely eliminate the possibility of running into him, although it’s a big church. Seeing as I had already put him through enough, I couldn’t object. I love him too much to put him through that kind of pain again. I can’t go close to my ex anymore. I have a soft spot for him so I can’t put myself in that position again.
Above all, I’m grateful for my husband. He’s always trying to protect my reputation and has never mentioned it to anyone. I love him to the moon because of this. Overcommunication was key to the healing process. Four years and one child later, we are happy.
Laila
I’ve been married since 2009 and I’ve never been faithful, even when I was on the dating scene. As a married woman, I feel unfulfilled. My husband is wonderful and sweet but he’s not an intellectual and I’m really attracted to intelligence in a man.
I cheat and I’ve always cheated. I can’t admit this publicly but I’ve always found the idea of monogamy unattractive. If I married an adventurous person, maybe I wouldn’t cheat. My husband is stable and all but he’s boring and mundane.
I currently have three boyfriends. I have sex constantly with the first one and almost no sex at home. The second is a friend-with-benefits but he lives in a different part of Nigeria. As for the third, I love him. He’s married too but I think he’s my soulmate. He’s intellectual and sexually adventurous. Of course, I still cheat on him from time to time, especially when he’s busy with work or family but I feel he’s the only one who gets me. I wish I could be with him in a socially-acceptable way.
Moremi
I’m married with kids and my husband and I love each other but I don’t feel like he listens or hears me. He doesn’t spend time with me and I’ve spent years complaining about this. He changes for a few weeks and then reverts to normal. So I needed someone to talk to.
Roi and I started out just talking a few hours every day on life issues, on everything and anything. Now we’ve caught feelings, even though he’s married too. We reconnected a year ago and we’ve seen each other a few times since then. We have very magnetic chemistry. It has taken the grace of God not to have sex for this long, but that grace is no longer sufficient.
He is mindful of me, pays attention and listens to me. He knows me well; he hears what I’m thinking and feeling. We spend endless hours on the phone each week. Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood and he’s a childhood friend, he’s known me all my life. We never dated. He had a crush on me when we were teenagers but he never asked me out.
I feel alive and loved. I feel beautiful. If you ask me, this affair has been great for my marriage. I’ve had more sex with my husband since I reconnected with Roi. Since the desirable is not available, I’ve been initiating sex more. Once I’ve spoken to him for hours, he leaves me with such a warm feeling that everyone who annoys me gets a pass, including my husband, so less fights. We talk about everything, even things we can never tell our spouses. He’s very mature, helpful with my work, kids and even helps settle issues I have with my husband.
If someone told me that I’d ever be in this situation, I’d say never. Neither of us intends to leave our marriages but we intend to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. The affair is currently purely emotional because we are in different countries. It helps that we are in different countries, else we would have been caught. It’s sweet but heartbreaking at the same time, not being with someone you love. Also confusing because we both love our spouses, just not the same way we love each other. I’ve been married for 11 years and him, for 15.
We’ve been fighting the sexual attraction for over a year. We’ve both admitted that we’ve failed. It’s only COVID that’s keeping us apart. I’ll be shocked if we survive another physical date without sex. I am unashamedly looking forward to it and I won’t feel guilty. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy. We worry about getting caught though. It’s easier to forgive a cheating spouse when it’s just sex. It’ll be difficult for our spouses to find out we share such a bond and connection outside of them.
Chidinma
I got married six years ago and I’ve had two affairs. I met my lover at the bank where I worked back then. I really liked him and I think he liked me too but I never told him I was married. We just connected so well and he was so much fun. I didn’t really have any reason to cheat, I was just bored and I regretted marrying early at 23.
He later found out I was married. I felt bad because he didn’t find out from me. There were many times I wanted to tell him I was married, but I was afraid of what he’d think of me. When he asked why I didn’t tell him about my marriage, I had no real reason. I actually didn’t want him to think of me as a bad girl. We met a few times and we had sex for the last time and never met again. I actually love him and I’m trying really hard to forget him. The last time we spoke, he said “I trusted you.” That broke me. I don’t regret cheating with him. As a matter of fact, if I had met him earlier, I would have married him. He even asked if I was willling but I laughed it off.
The second affair was an ex from the university. This guy made me feel I was unfair to him because while we dated in the university, we never had sex. So I thought “Why not give ourselves closure?” So we had sex once and that was it. This guy really guilt-tripped me into feeling terrible about the past. I did it for closure. I’ve realised it’s not my business what he thinks about me. Whatever it is, let him take it up with Jesus. I’m not the cause of the problems in his life.
He wanted to make it a constant thing but I shut him out. You know what they say about men; give them a rope and they would skip. Sleeping with him was just a really stupid thing to do. To me, it never happened. If I ever see him in public, I am so going to deny knowing him. I hope he responds with the same energy too, so that he can save himself from embarrassment..
I currently have no extramarital affair now and I do not plan to have any in the future. It’s stressful; I can only keep up with so many lies and hiding. Also, I have two kids and can’t continue cheating. I regret cheating on my husband. If he finds out, I don’t know what he’s capable of. He says he loves me, but I don’t think so. I think he just married me because he had to get married as he is nine years older than me. I realised this much later. But then, nothing justifies cheating.
I totally understand why you’re here. You want your man to focus only you. Men like to wander a lot. So it is important for you to learn how to stop him from seeing other people and focusing on you. I gatchu.
1. Lock him in the house
This is the best option. Full Rapunzel mode. If he can’t leave the house, he can’t see other people, amirite? Thank God everybody is working from home. No need for him to go out.
2. Blindfold him
If he absolutely has to go out, blindfold him. This means you have to lead him by the hand everytime he leaves the house but that’s a very small sacrifice to make to prevent him from seeing anybody that is not you.
3. Only allow him to go out in the middle of the night
He can’t see people when everybody else is sleeping. Best idea.
4. Censor his media
Now you’re thinking “What about on the internet?” That’s no worry! Just do like the Nigerian government and turn off the internet. You’re welcome.
5. Build a house with no windows
If after locking him in the house, he is still stubborn and looking at people passing outside his window, it is time to build a house with no windows. He can look at you if he feels like entertaining himself.
6. Pluck out his eyes
Still not working? He must be a stubborn one. Remove his eyes. He can’t see other people if you remove his eyes.
When I asked Nigerian women on Twitter to inbox me with stories of the exact moment they knew they had to leave a relationship, I didn’t expect some of the replies I got. Here are 30 stories of the exact moment these women knew they had to leave their relationship.
1. Denisia
We were lying down together and I was talking about how I miss my mum. I noticed he was quiet, so I asked what was wrong. Baba said he felt like strangling me but listening to me talk about my mom softened him up. WTF?
2. Zee
When I found myself sharing my relationship problems with a Facebook group so they could help me. I had a “Dear Joro” moment and just knew I had to japa.
3. Lola
We had a fight, and he demanded for the money he had loaned me when it wasn’t yet the agreed time to pay up. He later confessed that he did it to spite me. Imagine getting married to someone like that.
4. Ore
I confronted him about some messages I found on his phone. He was talking marriage with a colleague and it sounded serious. The way he denied the whole thing and just summed it up as “office wife” bants made me realise that the relationship wasn’t worth my peace of mind.
5. Ada
I was 20 years old and he was 11 years older than me. He got about £500 from me for his “business” and refused to pay back. He blackmailed and insulted me on top my own money. Almost got kicked out of the hostel cause that was my rent.
6. Ana
I wanted an iPad and he was like, “You already have a computer and a phone, why would you want an iPad? Don’t you know Apple is an exploitative company?” He had 2 Macbooks. The last straw was when I wanted to go to TFC for lunch and he insisted he knew better. I mentally checked out.
He was a very nice guy, but on our last date, just before he was to travel for a long trip, I realised that I didn’t love him and he deserved better. I broke up with him a month after.
8. Sarah
We had been on and off, but I would always find my way back to him because I thought he was the one. Then my father died and I called to inform him. He asked me who was on the phone. Omo.
9. Temitope
So we’d been dating for a while and things were going on fine, till we went for one of his friend’s parties together. He was holding my hand, but the moment he saw his friends, he dropped my hand. They didn’t approve of a plus-size girl and he was ashamed to be seen with me. Broke up with him that night.
10. Dami
He said to me, “It’s not everything I say that you must respond to.” I said, “Then don’t fucking talk to me” and cut off the phone. That was one of the last conversations we ever had.
11. Bola
He could justify fornication and alcohol consumption, but he drew the line at me smoking weed once in 3 months. He also, in an argument about contraceptives, equated a vasectomy to a hysterectomy. When everyone knows that women have several contraceptive options while men are limited to condoms and vasectomy. Bonus: he is also pro-life. Bottom line: He was an “audio progressive man”.
12. Uwana
I had my appendix taken out and he didn’t show up. Mind you, a month after this operation would have been our introduction. Nobody from his family called me.
13. Mercy
I knew I had to leave the relationship when he was always invalidating my dreams, making them look small and talking down on my spirituality. I take that part of me seriously, and I would have loved him to respect that side of me. As soon as I left the relationship, I got a really good job. I guess his subtle negativity was holding me back.
14. Rukayah
I knew I had to leave a relationship when six months in, my ex told me he was not capable of loving me because he had suffered a heartbreak when his girlfriend of 7 years left him.
15. Niyola
The very first day I went to his house, I got drenched by rain on my way, so all I wanted was warm clothes and food. I was open to having sex with him, but I wanted to at least get warm and eat first. He wanted sex immediately.
While I was trying to explain, he slapped me multiple times and raped me. I almost lost sight in an eye because of the experience. I didn’t report because the first time I tried to report a rape case, they told me I didn’t look like someone they could rape.
16. Susan
He kept cheating. One day, he swore on his mother’s life that he didn’t sleep with a girl. Turns out he slept with her that same night. If he could lie with his mother life, I knew had to flee.
17. Aisha
When he hit me a second time in our 4th year of marriage, dragged me on the floor and out of his house. He always called it his house. I regretted not leaving the first time he hit me. I knew I did not want any more regrets.
18. Amaka
I wore something that didn’t even expose any part of my flesh but because it was bum short, people were talking and he followed them to embarrass me in public. Something in me shifted that day. I sha cheated on him ( I don’t regret it). I told him I cheated, he forgave me, I cheated some more then I broke up with him.
19. Lizzy
He was my first boyfriend. I told him I didn’t like when he grabbed my butt in public and he started sulking and saying I was his babe and he can grab my ass at any point. The moment I checked out was when he mocked me for typing in full with comma, paragraphs and all of that. He said he doesn’t like it. What in the illiterate-waste-of-space was I dating? Omo, I left oh.
20. Gloria
He was the sweetest person ever. The whole relationship was great but the moment we had sex. It felt like I was having sex with my brother. It was just extremely weird for me. I didn’t know how to tell him. I eventually did after two years. I lied I was poly and left.
21. Ella
After helping him apply for several jobs, he told me he got a job in the UK and was leaving for training the following week. I was so happy for him. Before he left my place, he said he had a confession.
Oga then tells me that he didn’t have any job, that he was just testing me to see if I had his best interest at heart. What in the Telemundo is going on and how do I unsubscribe? Took me months, but I finally left our 8-year relationship.
22. Fortune
He kept comparing me to his ex. Any small thing “Oby used to…” I had to leave. He should go and be with Oby.
23. Hadiza
He had a Jamaican stripper fetish. He was always asking for nudes. I kept sending them because he would guilt trip me. He continued till I just rolled my mat and ended my prayers. He ended up breaking up with me because according to him, “I didn’t understand him” but no, the reason was I wasn’t consistent with the teasing.
24. Chi
We went out for a drink and for some reason I couldn’t stand the sight of him, the sound of his voice, nothing, until I had a drink and was a little buzzed. Got home and asked myself why I needed to be tipsy to tolerate him. That was when I knew.
25. Ene
His wife DM’ed me under the guise of providing a service & a whole drama ensued which led to me being subbed every 3 months on Twitter.
26. Oyin
He would insult me at any giving opportunity or the slightest mistake. One night, he punched my face so hard and strangled me till I almost died. Woke up alive and just then I knew I had to leave this man (father of my two kids) if I still want to live.
27. Abigail
I would sometimes post bikini pictures or turn around in videos and he told me I was a slut. He told me that all I could offer anyone was my body and because of the kind of pictures I post, he thinks I lied about getting assaulted. This man also gave me six rules of things I must do and not do, saying that we are tied for life. We dated for two years.
28. Joy
The exact moment I knew I had to leave was when I went to see him and he demanded I block every guy who has ever moved to me, started reading my chats and when he saw that I didn’t block them, he stopped talking to me.
29. Queen
There were many times I should’ve left. I never should’ve been with him, in fact. He was immature, superficial and stuck in a toxic cycle with his ex. He clearly had no real idea who tf I was. Then he got more attached, more dependent, more entitled.
The final trigger came when he mentioned marriage and had the nerve to suggest “you aren’t getting any younger” Me? Pressured? Into marriage? To you? On the basis of age? We were together three years, the first two in which he couldn’t have been clearer about not wanting to be with me yet he gaslighted me into staying because it was the economically smart thing for him to do while remaining conveniently irresponsible.
When I broke up with him, he left me a message saying I “had a (commitment) problem and probably just can’t be with anyone longer than a year”
30. Peace
I found out he had impregnated his ex and had her move in with him — we lived in different cities. He was the one always visiting me in the city where I lived and worked but this one time, I flew to his city one afternoon after talking as though I was home.
I paid him a surprise visit and his jaw literally dropped to the floor when he saw me. She told me that they’d been trying for a kid for the past three years and after three miscarriages, this one would not keep them apart. I looked at him and his face was bent low in shame and that’s when I knew it was all over. This man had gone to see my family for my hand in marriage.
Let me start off by saying this is not an endorsement of cheating. Some of you might make reference to my name and say “i AM noT sUrpRisEd a fEMi is saYiNg tHis”. Keep quiet. We heard you the first 500 times. Here, I’m not asking men to cheat.
In fact, I hate cheating. All I’m doing here is gathering tips to help you, in case you have to cheat. You know, like when someone puts a gun to your head and says “Cheat NOW or lose your life.” Yeah, that kind of thing. Or for national security. Like when James Bond goes on his mission to save the world but he has to sleep with somebody to get the nuclear passcodes. That kind of cheating.
When you’re cheating (because you totally and absolutely have to), it’s advisable to look out for certain qualities so it doesn’t quickly become a bad experience.
1. Discretion.
Guys, you want your side to be discreet. The quietest people that don’t like drama make the best sides.
2. In a relationship.
If your side is in a relationship, you’re in luck. This means they will avoid drama as much as you because they don’t want to cast. Win-win for everybody.
3. Speed.
You want somebody fast. You want someone that’s nimble and quick to react. Once you hear your partner coming in the distance, you want somebody that is already outside the window, running like the wind, their heels slapping the back of their heads.
4. Stealth.
Look, let’s face it. You can’t tell your partner that you’re cheating for the sake of national security. If they come and meet you at home, you can’t say “Oh baby, I did it to save millions of people.” The side piece has to run till their heels are slapping the back of their heads. Your side must also be good at sneaking. If they can climb out of a window, that’s even better.
5. Can fight.
If stealth fails, I’m afraid you’ll need somebody that can defend themselves, at the very least. Because if they break somebody’s head, all of you will sleep in police cell and they will not hear that it’s for national security.
6. Can beg
Guy, you want somebody that is very persuasive, in case you get caught, so that they can join you when you’re begging for forgiveness. She might even throw in a little. “Forgive him now. You guys make a cute couple.”
