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Categories | Zikoko!
  • 8 Different Kinds Of Zikoko Readers

    Overtime we’ve come to realise that there are the different kinds of readers. Now, let’s break it down.

    1) The Quiz takers

    What’s their business with any of Zikoko’s articles? They just want to take our quizzes, and find out what kind of yam they are in peace.

    2) The Economists

    They’re very interested in Naira Life and A Week in the Life. They constantly churn out theories on how to make more money and how the subjects could manage their money. Please, come and help us manage our life.

    3) The Hopeless romantics

    They like love too much and it shows. Their favourite flagship is probably love life, and you’re not ashamed of the fact. They’re probably also single, but that doesn’t matter. God will soon answer their call.

    4) The flagship reader

    They don’t care much for the other types of content Zikoko offers. Their own is to read a flagship and bounce. Please, try our other stuff out or we will have to make the battle spiritual.

    5) The relatable reader

    They like reading articles that they can relate to, and speaks about experiences they have and can have. They love Inside Life, Man dem, and HER.

    6) The accidental readers

    They just read whatever they stumble up on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. We think you should check our website, so we can use the few points of ours, to convince and not confuse you. Or else…

    7) The “Zikoko is too horny” readers

    They purposely seek out sex and sex related content, and will come on the internet to say “Zikoko writers are horny”. If they did not read sex life, how will they know what we said?

    8) The all-rounder

    They read any and everything Zikoko and they’re one our favourite kinds of person. They’re are also the kind of people that ask us to interview Babalawos, but we love them anyway.


    [donation]

  • 1. The Newbies

    They’re easy to spot because they obviously have no idea what they’re doing. If it’s a guy, he’ll probably be too proud to ask for help until a dumbbell crushes his big toe. This won’t happen to a newbie girl sha because chances are she’s already getting all the help she needs from the guys there.

    2. The New Year Resolutioners

    You usually see them around the beginning of the year. They’re the ones that make new year’s resolutions to eat healthy and exercise more so for the first few days of the year they try their best to keep this promise they’ve made to themselves. Eventually the flesh gets weak and will power dies so they vanish before the middle of January. Never to be seen again until the same time next year.

    3. The Slay Queens

    They’re always dressed in needlessly stylish gym clothes and are ALWAYS in full makeup. They never stress themselves too much so  their makeup won’t get ruined by sweat. You’ll find them in front of the gym mirrors, taking selfies and making Snapchat videos. This is pretty much the only reason they’re at the gym. So they can take pictures and upload to Instagram later with the caption #FITFAM.

    4. The Gym Junkies

    These ones know damn well what they’re doing because they’ve been doing it for years. You can’t miss them. They’re built like tree trunks. They can poke out your eye with their chest. The damage they would inflict on you, if you got in a fight with one of them, would be so great it would affect your unborn children. If you’re a newbie looking for fitness advice, don’t go to these guys. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be new so they’ll most likely give you advice that if you follow, will end with you getting injured.

    5. The Oversabis

    These ones are just there to give unsolicited advice to everybody. They’re the ones that will see someone trying to lose weight and start telling them nonsense like, “You have to do 5000 power skips on one leg” OR “If you really want to lose weight you have to skip breakfast AND dinner” which of course is terrible advice. Also, under the pretext of “telling it like it is”, they can be very rude. They usually prey on the newbies.

    6. The Observers

    I only added this category so I could acknowledge myself. I played this role so I could write this article. You’re welcome.

    If you plan on joining #FitFam, you should read this next article so you don’t embarrass yourself when you finally join a gym.

    That Time I Disgraced Myself At The Gym
  • Emmy Awards 2015 Categories That We All Wish Existed


    We may give the Emmys props for adding Kunle Afolayan and Tunde Kelani to the Emmy jury, but why? The truth is that these men are damn good filmmakers, so it took them long enough!

    The Emmys are pretty shortsighted, often repeating old shows for award categories even though there are waaaaaaay better shows on air. And since they won’t recognize some of these shows for their glory, this is Zikoko’s comprehensive list of the award categories, featuring shows and actors/actresses that we know the Emmys will NEVER recognize, but we secretly wish they did:

    Best Use of Narration

    For every time you wanted to hand the narrator an Emmy for being so awesome!

    Jane the Virgin, The CW

    A to Z, NBC

    Fresh Off the Boat, ABC

    Black-ish, ABC

    Show with the Best Premiere

    Wouldn’t you like to award the reason you watched episode 2?

    Mr Robot, USA

    You’re the Worst, FX

    Unreal, Lifetime

    Inside Amy Schumer, Comedy Central

    Jane the Virgin, The CW

    Best Use of Product Placement

    Yes, we get it. They gave you money.

    Vampire Diaries, The CW

    Mad Men, AMC

    House of Cards, NetFlix

    Suits, USA

    Modern Family, ABC

    Best “let’s give someone else this award” Show/Actor

    Please let someone else – anyone else – hold the moon man.

    Modern Family, ABC

    Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep

    Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

    Most Overdue Actress

    We still don’t understand why they haven’t got their due.

    Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black

    Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

    Mae Whitman, Parenthood

    Eden Sher, The Middle

    Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

    Most Overdue Actor

    For Gods’ sakes. Just give one of them!

    John Hamm, Mad Men

    Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

    Louis C.K, Louie

    Most Overdue Show

    Really? Really? Wonder who they offended on the jury…

    Parks and Recreation, NBC

    Orange Is the New Black, Netflix

    Show we’re most glad is not on the air anymore to win awards

    No more cameos or crystal meth.

    Entourage, HBO

    Breaking Bad, AMC

    Best “Hahahaaa, a-holes!” Show

    To the shows that shock us, time and time again.

    Girls, HBO

    Broad City, Comedy Central

    You’re the Worst, FX

    Best “the Emmys don’t know it exists even though it’s freaking great” Show

    They’re here, they’re great, they’re unrecognized.

    Broad City, Comedy Central

    You’re the worst, FX

    Orphan Black, BBC America

    The Middle, ABC

    Satisfaction, USA

    Best “How did this make it on air” Show

    No words.

    Ballers, HBO

    Eye Candy, MTV

    Scream, MTV

    Bad Judge, NBC

    Manhattan Love Story, ABC

    State of Affairs, NBC

    Best “Why is This Still on air” Show

    Who the hell signed off on new seasons of these?!

    Devious Maids, Lifetime

    Suits, USA

    Vampire Diaries, The CW

    The Game, BET

    Scorpion, CBS

    Finding Carter, MTV

    2 Broke Girls, CBS

    True Detective, HBO

     

    As you can see, we weren’t lying! Which other categories would you like to see in the Emmy Awards list? Let us know…