It’s just a suggestion
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There’s a thin line between liking your work and loving it so much that it actually takes over your life.
If you notice these signs, just know you’re one email away from becoming capitalism’s strongest soldier.
You reply to emails in less than five minutes
That’s not even productivity anymore. What happened to taking time to read, digest and think about 40 different ways to respond before actually responding?
Your laptop is your favourite accessory
You take your laptop everywhere. By the time you start thinking of laptop space when you purchase bags and purses, just know there’s no turning back. You’ve been got.
You don’t know how to go on leave
Even when you go on leave, you find yourself thinking about work or “checking in” to confirm everything’s going on smoothly while you’re away.
You receive more calls from your boss than your significant other
That’s if you even have a significant other since you’re more likely to cancel plans to do more work.
You start dreaming about work
You know it’s bad when your dreams are just you thinking about deliverables and pending tasks.
You think your coworkers are lazy…
Because no one can measure up to your idea of efficiency. Sorry o, Mr Efficient.
…But they think your own is too much
You always miss out on office gossip because you’re always immersed in work. Spoiler alert: they kinda hate you.
You’re available after hours
Once you become your boss’s go-to person for late-night and weekend requests, just know that play has turned to dance.
NEXT READ: Employers, Here’s How to Actually Support Your Staff in These Trying Times
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It’s not news that our politicians and the federal government have joined hands together to further stress our lives with crazy-high living costs, naira devaluation and the threat of food shortage. As if that weren’t enough, Daddy Tesla tried to put us in Twitter jail.
Do you want my life?
The point is, these are trying times, and we all need extra motivation, especially 9-5ers. If you’re an employer thinking of using free lunch or mental health seminars to support your staff during this period, please stop it. Here’s how we really want to be supported.
Remote and hybrid work options
The new fuel prices mean transportation costs aren’t smiling. If the employee can do the work at home, please let them. It’ll also save the amount of money spent on electricity and Wi-Fi at the office. A win-win.
Hardship allowance
No matter how small the amount, it’ll show that you’re not like Nigerian politicians and you actually relate to your employees’ struggles.
Employee loans
There’s no money on ground, and offering loans may be what saves your employees from Nigeria-induced sapa. It doesn’t even have to be a huge amount. Loaning employees a couple of months’ salary won’t crash the business, and you can recover it through salaries.
Surveys that actually help
Another option is asking the employees how they’d like to be supported and trying to implement the feedback.
Salary increase
Your revenue and profits are probably not that great either, but if possible, increase salaries to help cushion the effects of these times. No one says no to more money.
Can that meeting be an email?
Remember what I said about fuel? There’s really no need to call a team-wide meeting if it could just be an email. Help us reduce charging time, biko.
Talk about it
Whatever you do to support your staff, carrying them along is important. Knowing they’re not alone in these struggles could do wonders for motivation.
NEXT READ: How Has the Fuel Price Hike Affected Transportation Costs in Major Cities?
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You can finally love Mondays
People will be scrambling to get to work, but you just can’t relate because you’re still in bed at 11 a.m. Don’t you just love that?
No billing from family members
Everyone knows you’re unemployed and don’t earn a salary. What are they even billing?
No more taxes to cut your salary in half
Imagine handing over one-third of your salary to this government. Who does that? Even God only asked for ten per cent.
You can pursue a better-paying career
An example that works well is having a sugar daddy or mummy. You’re still earning a salary, but you’re no longer doing a 9 to 5. It’s more like 5 to 9 now.
You can always say you’re an “entrepreneur”
No one will question you if you don’t look like you’re suffering. And even if you do, you can always blame it on the hustle.
You can also make a killing from begging
If fronting as an entrepreneur doesn’t work, hit the streets and start begging. You’ll make bank.
You can finally finally chase your dreams
According to motivational speakers, “Your salary is the bribe they pay you to forget your dreams”. So what happens when you don’t earn a salary? Of course, you’ll chase your dreams. You might be chasing actual dreams by sleeping all day, but that’s still a win.
Or you can focus on making heaven
Stay unemployed so you can shift your focus from worldly things, and put everything into making it to heaven.
You can finally find love
If you can’t find love in the office, maybe you’ll find it if you spend your 9-to-5 in the streets. Think about it.
NEXT READ: 7 Ways To Make Money Without Working For It
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Capitalism will try to make you believe success only comes to those who work hard. We beg to differ. Sometimes, doing the barest minimum brings the best results, especially at work. Here’s why.
More work? Not your problem
You know how they say the reward for hard work is more work? That won’t be your problem. Your employer and colleagues will be satisfied with the fact that you actually completed your work without procrastinating.
Your boss won’t remember you for volunteer work
As long you dead every idea of volunteering for extra work and focus only on the work you’re paid for, no one will remember to call you when they need someone to work after hours or take meeting notes.
…but they’ll notice when you go above and beyond
Since everyone knows you only do what you’re paid to do, the day you decide to go above and beyond on a task, it won’t go unnoticed. Meaning you’re more likely to win “Staff of the Week” than Yetunde, who quietly does two people’s jobs every day.
You’ll have great work-life balance
Since you aren’t spending all your waking hours thinking about work, you’ll have time to do meaningful things, like find a boo and leave the streets.
Also, more time for side gigs
It’s not like your salary lasts more than one week anyway. Now, you’ll have time to pursue other things that’ll bring money into your account.
Your employer doesn’t give a shit about you
Whether you do the bare minimum or not, you can still get laid off if the company hits a rough patch. Plus, they only care about hitting their targets, not you as a person. Say no to capitalism.
Nigeria doesn’t respect hard work
If it did, politicians would be riding keke to work. But it is what it is.
You’ll have more time for eye service
Because we all know that is what typical Nigerian bosses really want.
You’ll be the mysterious colleague
Your own is to do your work and go. Office gossip? You’ll never be there.
NEXT READ: Corporate Idan 101: How to Make Sure Your Colleagues Know Not to Try You
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For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as Capitalism. Everyone loves to hate Capitalism, but according to him, he’s just misunderstood. Here’s a day in Capitalism’s life.
4:00 a.m.
I overslept today. I typically wake up by 3.40 a.m. so I can check up on my people in Lagos. Everyone claims that the people in Lagos are mad, mostly because of their roads and how they hardly sleep at home, but they’re my good friends. They really buy into my vision of working tirelessly to keep a few people stupidly rich. My enemies say they’re doing it because they’re avoiding my distant cousin, Sapa, but what’s not to love about how I run things?
If everyone had money, wouldn’t I go against the Holy Book that said, “There will always be the poor among us”? Wouldn’t I contribute to millions of beggars losing their job in this country?
I don’t want to think about things that’ll annoy me this morning, so I send dreams of poverty to 9-5ers, in case they think about ignoring their alarms.
12:00 p.m.
It’s just noon, and I’ve already done five presentations on “No matter how hard you work, you still won’t blow”. I don’t get why people just love to hate on me. All I do is burst my metaphorical ass every day to keep the wheels of society going. And what’s the thanks I get? Multiple jokes and complaints about me. This life is really not balanced.
4:00 p.m.
I just know some people will try to close early today — like they try to every day — so I have to put employers on alert. One “Can we have a quick chat?” here and one email there, and that should squash any early closure dream.
But why do people these days just love to be lazy? Before, we had people who took pride in spending all day at work and never taking leave so they could spend more time with me. But now, especially with this new breed of Gen Z, no one even gives a damn anymore. That’s how one told me last week that she won’t talk to me again because of her “mental health”. What’s that?
11:00 p.m.
It’s been a long day, and I briefly consider retirement, but I immediately send that evil thought back into the pit of socialism. Rest is for the dead, and my job is too important. I’m even considering changing my name to “No breaks”. Capitalism sounds old, and everyone has already attached it to something terrible.
But can I be honest? I low-key like that most people are scared of me. Atleast if I’m not loved, I know I’m respected. They know they can’t just ghost me if they want to keep being able to afford to spend all day on TikTok. Even if they ghost me for weeks or months, they always return.
I fall asleep, assured that I’ll always be the main character. I’ll always win. And as those spoiled Gen Z say it, that’s on period.
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NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap
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Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame.
Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.
That interviews are a good thing
First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM.
“The harder you work, the more money you make”
Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.
“Follow your passion, and money will come”
My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.
Dream jobs
This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?
“Learning never ends”
Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.
“Your network is your net worth”
Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.
Weekends
When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.
NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap
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If there’s one career advice we get all the time, it’s either, “Do what you love, so you never have to work a day in your life” or “Follow your passion”. These statements are tied to the notion that people should do anything to get a particular job that’d make them happy and fulfilled — the proverbial “dream job”.
I’ve always thought the concept of a dream job is just another ploy to keep you shackled to the chains of capitalism. Why should you dream of working every day of your active life for fulfilment?
Don’t take it from me. These Nigerian professionals share similar sentiments as they tell us why they stopped believing in dream jobs.
“I do love my job, but it’s just not enough.”
— Damian*, 32
I grew up in a typical Nigerian home, where the dad was always working and the mum was a stay-at-home carer. My dad took great pride in his work, and we didn’t lack anything, so I grew up believing all I had to do as a man was my best work and everything else would fall into place.
My dream job was to be a banker like my dad, and I did everything possible to make sure I achieved it. I’m the assistant branch manager at a commercial bank now, but I feel like I’m living my life for someone else.
I work so hard every day, telling myself I chose this life. I do love my job, but it’s just not enough. I hardly have time to even think about other things I might enjoy, and at the end of the day, no one gives a shit about you. You can drop dead one minute, and work will continue the next. Is that life?
“Every job fuels capitalism”
— Clarissa*, 27
I’ll admit I once believed in a “dream job” that had to be the end goal if you wanted to feel like you’ve achieved a successful career. Mine wasn’t a specific role; it just had to be something that paid me in dollars.
I got the dollar-paying job in 2021 and felt good for a while, but capitalism is still capitalism. It’s still the same mind-numbing work that takes over your life. Every job fuels capitalism. The only difference is the amount of money you choose to sell your freedom for.
“Dream jobs don’t necessarily pay the bills”
— Obed*, 29
When I hear “dream job”, I think “follow your passion”. I followed my passion for a while by studying veterinary medicine in university, but omo, I came out and saw that the economy wasn’t smiling. There aren’t enough opportunities for vets in Nigeria. Me, I’ve changed my passion to what can feed me, please.
“The idea just benefits employers”
— Olanna*, 25
I believed that for someone to enjoy working, they had to really love their jobs, so any job that’d make me absolutely love working was meant to be my dream job.
But I have better sense now, and I realise that idea just benefits employers. They encourage you to put in your all to gain “fulfilment” and “change the world”, but they’re the ones who largely benefit from your hard work. No one really loves working. We just do it because we have to.
I’m not saying, don’t like your job. Heck, you have to, or else you’d be miserable all your life. But just do what you can and throw away any notion that you’re indispensable. To your employer, everyone is dispensable.
RELATED: I Love My Job, But I Hate The Fact That I Have to Work
“Not everyone has the luxury for it”
— Dana*, 32
Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing their dreams or jobs they supposedly have passion for, especially in Nigeria. I believed in dream jobs as a young university leaver, but life has shown me we don’t always get to choose what we love. So, what’s the point of believing in it?
Employers don’t even care whether you love the job or not. As long as you’re doing what they paid you for, it’s not their business.
“A job is just a job”
— Anita*, 26
Just like characters in romance novels, I used to believe there was a career path that was “the one” for me. But I’ve pivoted from health to human resources and now administration. I’ve realised there’s no one job that makes me feel fulfilled. As long as I keep doing good work, and my salary helps ease my stress, I’m fine. A job is just a job. We weren’t put on this earth to focus our energies on finding one dream job.
“Money is my own dream”
— Dotun*, 36
I was guilty of telling people to follow their passion, but getting married and having children made me realise money is my own dream.
I followed my passion by starting my career in journalism, but the work environment and challenges that came with it aren’t for the weak. Plus, it doesn’t pay too well. When I got the opportunity to move into tech, I did. Now, I tell people not to be boxed into a corner by the idea of a dream job. Dreams can change, and they can be fuelled by anything.
What if your “dream job” is killing you or can’t pay your bills? Better dream again.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
NEXT READ: How to Work When Work Is the Last Thing on Your Mind
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It’s office end-of-year party szn, and just like with every event involving humans and alcohol, things could get weird. If you still want to be able to show your face at the office when you resume in January, these are the deadly mistakes you shouldn’t even dare to make.
Taking alcohol
You want to go to your office party and drink there? I pity you. Do you know what alcohol does? You’ll just go and drunkenly gist your CEO about the group chat where you people talk and make memes about how she’s a terrible leader.
Eating
You want to eat and still collect Christmas bonus? In this economy? Watch your HR and accounting people. They won’t eat. They’ll just sit in one corner and observe the people who are eating. When others are collecting Christmas bonus, those ones will get their regular salary. And how will they know? It’s not like anyone will reveal they got a bonus.
Inviting your partner
Office end-of-year parties are for spending time with your office partner before you have to endure your actual partner over the holidays. Don’t mess it up by inviting them.
Dressing well
We know you have great fashion sense. But dressing well means you’ll run a risk of outdressing some of the powers that be at the office, and na small thing dey vex people. You’ll now wonder why they’ve not promoted you in three years. Better be wise.
Also, you don’t need a promotion or raise if you’re rich enough to outdress the CEO.
Accepting an award
If you win an award, politely decline it. They’re testing how you react to praise and the spotlight. Rejecting the award will confirm you’re indeed a humble person who should be given even more praise and responsibility. It’s called reverse psychology.
Forgetting to bring up your compensation
What better time to walk up to your CEO and talk to him about how you need your salary to 2x in January than in the middle of his end-of-year speech. It’ll show that it’s important to you, and you’ll surely get what you request.
Attending
You’ve already failed if you attend the party in the first place. Attending a party when you’re supposed to be putting in extra hours? Going for an event where you know company resources will be spent? These sound like signs of a backward-thinking employee. Do better. Stay at the office and work. You’ll surely be rewarded for this act of punching above your weight.
You’d Relate to These Memes if Your Office Doesn’t Close for the Year
