cake | Zikoko!

Nothing on earth could have prepared me for the terrorism that bakers have been doing with cakes that look like other things. But that’s a conversation for another day. Today I want to drag cake makers for ever baking these seven types of cake. Why do these people like doing the most?

1. Coffee cake

Coffee cake is a cake that went to cake school and came last. It’s the 40+ millennial amid Gen-Zs that thinks it’s cool. Of all the things to taste like, why would you choose to bake something that tastes like wickedness?

RELATED: QUIZ: What Kind of Cake Are You?

2. Funfetti cakes

A funfetti cake is a vanilla cake with an annoying amount of sprinkles. The cake also dares to be baked with sprinkles inside, which is bold because sprinkles taste like suffering and should not exist.

3. Carrot cake

Firstly, a carrot is a vegetable, and vegetables have no business being in cake. What’s next? Cabbages? If it even tasted nice, I would understand, but carrot cake tastes like carrot and that’s the problem.

4. Chocolate cake

Anyone that likes chocolate cake is a liar and lives a fake life. It never tastes like chocolate and they’re always trying to spice it up with oreos and wafers. Why’re you trying to make up for?

5. Any cake with fondant

Notice how they only share cakes like these at burials or school anniversaries, basically places that don’t have joy. What’s the point of cake if every part‌ can’t be eaten?

RELATED: 7 Cake Pictures That Will Annoy Every Baker

6. Rainbow cake

If nothing was a flavour, it would be rainbow cakes and to be honest, it shouldn’t exist. Thank you for the colour and all, but can you maybe give each tier a distinct flavour, or make it taste like something nice, like strawberries?

7. Fruit cake

As in, a cake that has actual fruits stuffed inside or fruit flavoured cakes. If you need to eat something healthy, maybe just eat the actual fruit? Why would you drag cake into it?

We don’t cake-shame enough as a society for me. And we need to start throwing tomatoes at people that like these cakes.

READ ALSO: Ranked: Chocolate, Red Velvet or Vanilla Cake?

Malakai Bassey

April 20, 2022

Chopist

cake, Chopist, Funny, relatable
It’s time to bake! Bake a cake for us and we’ll guess a dominant trait of yours.

Niola

December 26, 2021

Long Throat, Quizzes

bake, cake, dominant, Personality
Did you know that it’s possible to improve your love life with food? Sending food to your lover or someone you admire can go a long way to improve your prospects and position you for premium affection. Here’s a list of foods you can use to achieve that:

1. A platter of small chops

From: The Small Chops Lady

Nothing declares your affection more than a platter of small chops with a small note to accompany it. If you are eyeing someone on the TL, place an order and have it sent to them. It might not buy them, but it’s a great start.

2. Stir fry spaghetti

From: @TheLazyCheff

How far are you in your talking stage? Are things moving the way you want? If they are not, you can accelerate it with an order of stir fry spaghetti and chicken/turkey. I know I have long throat, but believe me, stir fry spaghetti is a generally accepted love language.

3. Parfait

From @OrzosParfait

4. Cake

@CakesByPrescott

Many people have secured a partner by sending them cake. Many more have patched things up with cake. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. A cake slice will do. It’s the thought that counts. (PS: If you cheat and decide to patch things up with cake, whatever your eyes see, then take it like that.)

7 Places To Get The Best Ice Cream In Ibadan

5. Banana bread

From @HyperKiki

Perfect surprise for a weekend. Perfect way to remind your sweetheart that you’re thinking of them. Perfect way to say, “You’re the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me.” Give it a try.

6. Shawarma

From @ni_fries

Whatever you do, let it be double sausage. That’s when we know you’re serious with your intentions.

7. Burgers

@ni_fries

Finish this off with a bottle of yoghurt and you have powered your love life to last even longer. If you get your timing right and send it just when your lover is hungry, wow, altar straight.

8. Croissants

From @rwbytwtcoffee

Imagine being wooed with croissants. Elegance, through and through. It is small, but in the facilitation of romance, it does wonders.

9. Wings

From @wingmyline

How would you feel if someone sent you, quite unexpectedly, a box of peppered wings? You can imagine the delight and joy, right? Now go out and spread good tidings.

10. A breakfast platter

From @lanitas_kitchen

Caring enough to send someone a breakfast platter is a sign that you value that person. And for real, it positions you for premium romance. Believe us.

Hello person that took time out to read this. If you like stories like this and want to support us, please give us your monies.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 28, 2020

Chopist

banana bread, burger, cake, croissant, parfait, shawarma, small chops, stir fry spaghetti, wings
Cake baking is a beautiful craft. But what happens when some people drop out of baking school and start taking on baking projects? The end result is cake that looks like sorrow.

1. Let’s begin with the one that will make you very happy and encouraged.

Because after here, it is pure annoyance and irritation.

2. And then we move on to the absolutely grotesque:

What was ordered.

What was delivered.

The question is: Do some bakers lack the fear of God?

3. This one made me sad and scared at the same time.

What was ordered.

Even the cake looks like a lump of fufu. The entire appearance is scary.

4. This baker probably dropped out of baking school.

Because what is this voodoo doll?

5. Minion vs Mmiri

Because honestly, what can we call this disaster?

This one will blow your mind: 8 Pictures Of Cake That Will Leave You Mind Blown

Kunle Ologunro

August 27, 2020

Chopist

cake
So, we as a race have finally realised that we are all just walking pieces of cake. In order to deal with this new existential crisis, we have created a way for you to SAFELY figure out what kind of cake you are. Yes, safely. You can put down the knife now.

Just take this quiz instead

QUIZ: Do You Remember The Colours Of These Famous African Flags?

Try getting at least 10/15. Take the quiz.

Itohan Esekheigbe

July 15, 2020

Chopist, Long Throat, Quizzes

cake, Food, Quiz
Much like that fat child in the movie, Matilda, who Miss Trunchbull forced to eat a giant tray of chocolate cake in front of the entire student body, I fucking love cakes. People fight for food and meat at parties, I fight for cake. I once punched an aunt in the stomach during a light scramble for cake at a birthday party my own family was throwing.

I’m digressing.

My point is, I feel like I’ve been through enough cakes to call myself a cake connoisseur. Which is I’ve put together this list of cake toppings/decorations that are low key abominations that people have become accustomed to.

1) Cookies:

Because cakes with cookies on them are usually left out for too long before being served, leading to the cookies becoming stale and weirdly soft. No one wants to eat cookies that feel like all the crunchy-goodness has been sucked out by someone else.

2) Popcorn:

Because eww, gross. Popcorn, on its own, tastes like vaguely caramel-flavoured cardboard pieces tinged with sadness. So it doesn’t actually do anything as a cake topping. From an aesthetics POV, it’s still pointless. I mean. take another look at that cake above and see my point.

3) Dried fruits:

Dried fruits are a staple when making fruit cakes and I can’t eat fruit cakes because dried fruits are disgusting AF. The texture is hella weird (thick and chewy) and they’re usually too many of them. I CAN NOT EVEN.

4) Wafers:

Same complaint as cookies. They’re left out for too long and become too soft.

5) Tiny people:

All I want to do is go to a wedding and eat cake without disrupting the proceedings because I ended up choking on the tiny plastic people at the top of the cake and someone had to call an ambulance. Make them edible, dammit! This also goes for flower decorations on cakes.

Astor George

November 18, 2019

Chopist

cake, toppings
These days, it appears couples are in a competition to have the most extra and oversabi wedding on earth, just check out these pre-wedding shoots and cakes.
1. It appears people have started losing their home-training o!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKn6FI_D86m/
Their dance moves are not even fire.
2. This bride kuku turned her wedding into a Beyonce concert.

Na wa o! See how bored the groom looks.
3. These ones were just doing bad things up and down.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKlbbtrDrRg/
Na wa!
4. This one is a club party o!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJq-leijlOg/
See miming!
5. This couple that threw their home-training away.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BL0VC0AjJwo/
Hope their parents weren’t watching sha!

Maryam

October 21, 2016

Oldies

cake, maraige, marriage, pre wedding, Weddings
1. How you feel when your birthday doesn’t fall on a school day:

The pain.
2. You, turning up to school in your mufty like:

SLAY!
3. The official birthday hairstyle:

Christmas was the only other time you’d see this hairstyle.
4. How your classmates look at you when you enter with cake.

Turn Up!
5. When people that have never spoken to you start forming best friend.

Shift biko.
6. The official birthday starter pack:

Add Capri-sonne for some extra love.
7. Your classmates, waiting for break time to come so you can share the cabin.

Longest wait ever.
8. How your teacher cuts their own cake:

Chai!
9. When your teacher still finds a reason to flog you.

Where is your conscience?
10. When they make you take pictures with all your classmates.

Ugh! Can we eat already?
11. You, picking the people that will get extra party packs.

Come forward and be judged.
12. When they start threatening you with “I won’t be your friend again”.

Ehn be going na.
13. Your classmates, when they see you the next day:

Wow! Is it like that?

Daniel Orubo

June 1, 2016

Oldies

Africa, birthday, Cabin, cake, Nigeria, Primary school

1. Coffee cake

2. Funfetti cakes

3. Carrot cake

4. Chocolate cake

5. Any cake with fondant

6. Rainbow cake

7. Fruit cake

1. A platter of small chops

2. Stir fry spaghetti

3. Parfait

4. Cake

7 Places To Get The Best Ice Cream In Ibadan

5. Banana bread

6. Shawarma

7. Burgers

8. Croissants

9. Wings

10. A breakfast platter

1. Let’s begin with the one that will make you very happy and encouraged.

2. And then we move on to the absolutely grotesque:

3. This one made me sad and scared at the same time.

4. This baker probably dropped out of baking school.

5. Minion vs Mmiri

QUIZ: Do You Remember The Colours Of These Famous African Flags?

1. It appears people have started losing their home-training o!

2. This bride kuku turned her wedding into a Beyonce concert.

3. These ones were just doing bad things up and down.

4. This one is a club party o!

5. This couple that threw their home-training away.

1. How you feel when your birthday doesn’t fall on a school day:

2. You, turning up to school in your mufty like:

3. The official birthday hairstyle:

4. How your classmates look at you when you enter with cake.

5. When people that have never spoken to you start forming best friend.

6. The official birthday starter pack:

7. Your classmates, waiting for break time to come so you can share the cabin.

8. How your teacher cuts their own cake:

9. When your teacher still finds a reason to flog you.

10. When they make you take pictures with all your classmates.

11. You, picking the people that will get extra party packs.

12. When they start threatening you with “I won’t be your friend again”.

13. Your classmates, when they see you the next day: