c.v. | Zikoko!

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c.v. | Zikoko!

Curriculum Vitae aka C.V, the one place where it’s okay to lie through your teeth as a Nigerian because everyone else is doing it. Well, almost everyone.

In Nigeria, there are common lies that you’ll find in almost every C. V because jobs are competitive and unemployment is real.

You don’t believe us? come see for yourself:

1) “Proficient in Microsoft Excel and Microsoft Word.”

2) “I can work under pressure.”

*Work applies pressure*

https://twitter.com/Terrestrialforc/status/1229398138470965248?s=20

3) “Hardworking.”

*After 2 weeks at a new job*

4) “Team player.”

*Me refusing help from colleagues on a difficult project*

5) “Motivated.”

*Motivated to sleep*

6) Work experience.

*Me counting I.T as part of work experience*

7) “Resourceful.”

*Resourceful only at finding good food spots* Did you guys think it was work-related?

8) Referees.

*Adds name of a friend, cousin, girlfriend*

Hassan Yahaya

February 18, 2020

Hustle

c.v., Nigeria
Nigerian job interviews are not for the faint-hearted. If you’ve ever been to one you’ll know exactly what we are talking about.
It all starts with waiting for them to even call you for the interview after you send in your application

Hope you people haven’t forgotten me o.
Then you finally get the email you’ve been waiting for “Dear Miss. Ayo we are please to inform you that…”

Just look at God
Then reality starts to set in and you remember that getting called for the interview doesn’t mean you’ll automatically get the job.

How many people even applied for this same job.
You start researching the company and the role you applied for as if you are getting ready to write JAMB again.

Sleep is only for those with jobs.
The morning of the interview you ginger yourself.

Nobody deserves this job more than you.
You get to the reception and spend thirty minutes waiting for the receptionist to show you where to wait while she’s playing Solitaire on her laptop

Your ginger starts to slip when you walk into the office and it looks like this.

Wait all of you are here for this same job?
You start prepping yourself when you hear other applicants talking about their own applications.

Only one person will have B.Sc, M.Sc, Phd, MBA while you only have B.Sc and you finished with a third class.
At this point is not as if you are panicking o but this how your shirt will look.

Maybe I should just be going home instead of wasting my time.
As you are trying to calm yourself down the door to the interview room opens and you see the applicant just be for you laughing with the interviewers.

Plis what’s funny?
You walk into the interview room and try and gauge the interviewers.

This is how they look back at you.
Then one of them asks you a question you know nothing about and you start stuttering as if you didn’t go to school.

After preparing overnight.
You try to crack a joke to lighten up the atmosphere and they start looking at you like you are a joker.

So you think you are a comedian abi? You think you are basketmouth? We are sorry for you.
How you wait for a call back after the interview.

You’ll start vexing more than usual when you get spam callers.
When you finally get a call back and they give you the good news, you got the job.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 11, 2018

Oldies

c.v., job application, Job Interview, Nigerian, nigerian job interview, Nigerians, resume