bus | Zikoko!

Six People You’ll Meet In A Danfo

The streets of Lagos are not for the fainthearted. If you are used to buses waiting for you to board or someone handing over your phone after picking it up from the floor then newsflash, You are on the wrong bus, get off! You missed your stop.

There are no good Samaritans here; everyone is a hustler and that’s why even the buses have been turned to a market place and no, solace for deep thoughts don’t exist. Different individuals get into a bus with different purposes. Here’s a list of a few personalities you are bound to meet in the:

Sellers

Notice the person with shifty eyes and a load? No, he’s not a thief, he’s gonna stand up a few minutes after kick off. He usually likes sitting by the door, you might even mistake him for a conductor, because of how helpful he is to the real one. But, no, that’s a strategy, his voice is about to boom through the bus for the next one hour. God help you if there’s traffic! Dr Dre’s got nothing on his bass. What he’s selling? A cure for all ills, he says. I suspect that his first buyer is his syndicate.

Wannabe Agbero

There’s always that one person that will change it for the conductor. Their madness is usually on a kapachumarimarichupako level. One moment they’re looking posh the next thing, “You dey craze? You think say na because I wear suit? I go change am for you oh!”

Conversationalist

It usually starts like this: “Auntie, this Lagos na wa o. All this road wan kill person. Last night I wan…” Do not respond, I repeat, do not respond! Oh gosh, you did? You’re about to have your head talked off, and I warned you o. Well, just get ready to hear how this person was there when Osama Bin Laden was shot down and oh, would you like to sign up to their VTU platform?

Naira defender

Yes, we all know that naira notes are greatly disrespected by Nigerians; mutilated notes here and there. But there are some among us who didn’t get the memo. Not going to mention their names. They get into a war of words with the conductor who refuses to change the bad money he gave them. He begrudgingly does though, usually with a clapback: “You never know anything for dis Lagos! Dem tell u say I dey print money for house? Na person gimme dis money.”

The Quiet Ones

oftentimes, if you didn’t get into the bus with them at the same time you might feel this people are dumb. But, no, self preservation is sacred to them; they know what to expect. They are old customers so they know the best thing is to plug in their earpiece to escape the madness.

Sleepers

This people just know how to drop off, you mostly find them in Ajah and Island buses in the morning. They don’t have time for music or talk, they just wanna sleeeeep.

Gabriella Opara

September 24, 2019

Inside Life

bus, danfo, Lagos, Nigeria
9 Annoying Sentences Nigerians Who Take Danfo Are Already Used To

1. “No change o”

And so?
2. “Praise Tha Lord”

Danfo not Sunday school, abeg.
3. “There’s go-slow”

Hay God!
4. “Two more chance’

What is happening here?
5. “Excuse me sister, can I know your name?”

My name is, ‘face-your-front-and-let-me -see-road.
6. “Abeg, I wan buy fuel’

So you couldn’t buy fuel before calling passengers, abi?
7. ‘Driver, I want to ease myself’

What rubbish?
8. “I go join your change together”

Kuku kill me.
9. “Aunty, dress abeg”

To where?

Maryam

March 1, 2017

Oldies

bus, danfo, Sentences
The Forgotten Change Chronicles

1. When you need to enter danfo but you only have 1k.

As per #RichGang.
2. How you hustle to enter the first bus that stops:

Will you now sleep there because of 1k?
3. You, when the conductor says “enter with your change”.

Selective deafness, abeg.
4. What you ask all the passengers immediately you sit down:

You’re sha making effort.
5. When you’re done asking and nobody in the bus has change.

You cannot come and go and die.
6. When you finally give the conductor the 1k and he starts making noise.

Why are you now shouting, biko?
7. How you balance when you know it’s too late for him to throw you out:

You’ll be fine bruh.
8. How everyone on the bus hustles to collect their change first:

You people should calm down na.
9. You, looking at the conductor because your own hasn’t reached you:

He thinks you will forget, abi?
10. When you want to vex then you remember you’re the one that entered with 1k.

Who sent you message sef?
11. When your energy finishes and you stop shouting for your change every 5 minutes.

Na where you mess up.
12. When you finally reach your bus stop and the conductor carries face like:

You forgot to ask him, and he ‘forgot’ to remind you.
13. When you walk small and suddenly remember your change.

Chineke!
14. You, painfully watching the danfo zoom off:

You’re there wondering if you can chase it.
15. You, calculating everything you could have done with that money:

You see your life.

Daniel Orubo

July 14, 2016

Oldies

bus, change, conductor, danfo
14 Pictures Only Nigerians Who Have Travelled By Road Will Get

1. When agberos start touching you the moment you enter the park.

Can you not?
2. When they make you fill a manifest with your next of kin’s number and address.

Are you planning on having accident, abi what?
3. You, waiting for the bus to get full.

CAN WE MOVE?
4. How they pack you in the bus:

The struggle.
5. When one pastor appears to preach and collect prayer offering before the bus leaves.

Not today, biko.
6. When the bus starts moving before the person you bought gala from has given you change.

WAIT!!!
7. Your driver, when he sees FRSC and he is not wearing seatbelt.

Oh God!
8. How everyone looks at that person that just keeps shouting “slow down oh!”.

Go down and trek na.
9. When your battery dies in the middle of the trip.

WHY ME?
10. When a trailer comes out of nowhere and the driver skillfully dodges it.

Bad guy.
11. When someone tells the driver to stop so they can use the toilet.

Better hold yourself.
12. The whole bus, when you reach a military checkpoint.

Just comport yourself.
13. When something happens and the driver says you’ll have to stay over night.

Hay God!
14. When you see your luggage after you reach your destination:

Always dirty. Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, @John_Osbo

Daniel Orubo

May 31, 2016

Oldies

Africa, bus, interstate, Nigeria, road, travel
13 Types Of People You’ll Meet In Every Danfo

1. That person that smells like they used fish to bath.

Oga, you no go like use deodrant?
2. That ‘pharmacist’ selling a N200 cure for HIV, premature ejaculation and unemployment.

Add extra N100 and the drug will cure deafness, eye problem and will even help you marry.
3. That person that sha turns you into their pillow by force.

You entered bus single, now you have bae.
4. That human ATM that brings out a N1000 note to pay for a N50 fare.

This one doesn’t know where he is. If the conductor doesn’t tell him to get out, he should thank God.
5. That JJC that has no idea where they are even going.

This one will spend the entire trip asking “are we there yet?” and they will still somehow miss their bus-stop.
6. That pastor that turns the entire trip into a sunday service, complete with testimony and offering.

Immediately you hear “praise The Lord” just get ready.
7. That person on the phone that swears they are in a meeting.

Why da fuq you lying?
8. That paranoid person that spends the entire trip shouting “conductor, where my change?”

Oga they will give you your N50. don’t go and have a stroke.
9. That orobo that will crush everyone on their row and still have the liver to be shouting “shift”

They will now be shouting like they paid for extra seat.
10. That ‘comedian’ that thinks the bus is night of a thousand laughs.

This one is always looking for any reason to crack one unfunny joke or the other,
11. That shakara person that won’t collect their change from the conductor unless the note is mint.

This one thinks they are in a bank. If the conductor answers them, they are lucky.
12. That amebo that thinks two of you are now sharing one phone.

This one is more interested in what you’re pressing on your phone than the bus-stop they are supposed to be dropping.
13. That old person that spends the entire trip complaining about the driver’s speed, even when the bus is not moving..

Well, they did not enter bus to die.

Daniel Orubo

April 6, 2016

Oldies

bus, danfo, Nigeria, People

Six People You’ll Meet In A Danfo

Sellers

Wannabe Agbero

Conversationalist

Naira defender

The Quiet Ones

Sleepers

9 Annoying Sentences Nigerians Who Take Danfo Are Already Used To

1. “No change o”

2. “Praise Tha Lord”

3. “There’s go-slow”

4. “Two more chance’

5. “Excuse me sister, can I know your name?”

6. “Abeg, I wan buy fuel’

7. ‘Driver, I want to ease myself’

8. “I go join your change together”

9. “Aunty, dress abeg”

The Forgotten Change Chronicles

1. When you need to enter danfo but you only have 1k.

2. How you hustle to enter the first bus that stops:

3. You, when the conductor says “enter with your change”.

4. What you ask all the passengers immediately you sit down:

5. When you’re done asking and nobody in the bus has change.

6. When you finally give the conductor the 1k and he starts making noise.

7. How you balance when you know it’s too late for him to throw you out:

8. How everyone on the bus hustles to collect their change first:

9. You, looking at the conductor because your own hasn’t reached you:

10. When you want to vex then you remember you’re the one that entered with 1k.

11. When your energy finishes and you stop shouting for your change every 5 minutes.

12. When you finally reach your bus stop and the conductor carries face like:

13. When you walk small and suddenly remember your change.

14. You, painfully watching the danfo zoom off:

15. You, calculating everything you could have done with that money:

14 Pictures Only Nigerians Who Have Travelled By Road Will Get

1. When agberos start touching you the moment you enter the park.

2. When they make you fill a manifest with your next of kin’s number and address.

3. You, waiting for the bus to get full.

4. How they pack you in the bus:

5. When one pastor appears to preach and collect prayer offering before the bus leaves.

6. When the bus starts moving before the person you bought gala from has given you change.

7. Your driver, when he sees FRSC and he is not wearing seatbelt.

8. How everyone looks at that person that just keeps shouting “slow down oh!”.

9. When your battery dies in the middle of the trip.

10. When a trailer comes out of nowhere and the driver skillfully dodges it.

11. When someone tells the driver to stop so they can use the toilet.

12. The whole bus, when you reach a military checkpoint.

13. When something happens and the driver says you’ll have to stay over night.

14. When you see your luggage after you reach your destination:

13 Types Of People You’ll Meet In Every Danfo

1. That person that smells like they used fish to bath.

2. That ‘pharmacist’ selling a N200 cure for HIV, premature ejaculation and unemployment.

3. That person that sha turns you into their pillow by force.

4. That human ATM that brings out a N1000 note to pay for a N50 fare.

5. That JJC that has no idea where they are even going.

6. That pastor that turns the entire trip into a sunday service, complete with testimony and offering.

7. That person on the phone that swears they are in a meeting.

8. That paranoid person that spends the entire trip shouting “conductor, where my change?”

9. That orobo that will crush everyone on their row and still have the liver to be shouting “shift”

10. That ‘comedian’ that thinks the bus is night of a thousand laughs.

11. That shakara person that won’t collect their change from the conductor unless the note is mint.

12. That amebo that thinks two of you are now sharing one phone.

13. That old person that spends the entire trip complaining about the driver’s speed, even when the bus is not moving..