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  • 9 Things You Should Know About Your Breasts

    Everyone can agree that breasts are some of the most beautiful things in human existence. For something so loved, there’s a lot we don’t know about them. Here’s a list of nine things you should know about your breasts: 

    breast cancer awareness picture

    1. Breasts are more complex than they look 

    The breast is divided into six to nine overlapping portions known as lobes. Smaller lobules within each lobe lead to dozens of tiny bulbs capable of producing milk. The lobes, lobules, and bulbs are connected by tiny tubes known as ducts. The gaps around the lobules and ducts are filled with fat. Breasts include blood veins as well as other vessels that transport a colourless fluid called lymph. A whole lot is going on with your breast; show them more love. 

    2. Each breast is different from the next

    You have probably noticed that one breast is bigger than the other or that it faces a different direction. It’s perfectly normal. The difference in size and shape is more significant in some people than others. 

    3. Breasts change a lot 

    Every menstrual cycle brings its own change. It could be a change in size or a change in shape but if you notice a lump, colour change, dimpling or swelling, please see a doctor. 

    4. Breasts sag

    It’s totally normal for breasts to sag. Tight bras won’t help. Deal with this, Tunde and co. 

    5. Nipples come in different sizes

    They also come in different shapes and colours. Nipples can be flat, everted or inverted (i.e pointing out or pointing in) Some people have combinations of inverted and everted nipples. Inverted nipples can stick out when stimulated but some don’t because they are connected to scar tissue or a short duct. If an inverted nipple that used to stick out when stimulated stops, please speak to a doctor. It could be a sign of breast cancer. 

    6. Breast size is hereditary

    You are equally likely to inherit your breast size from either of your parents.

    7. Nipple stimulation can cause orgasms

    Yup, nipple orgasms are a thing. Situmalting the nipple affects the same part of the brain that gets affected with vaginal or clitoral stimulation. It takes a lot of effort sha. No be me send you message. 

    8. Most breast lumps are not cancerous. 

    Sometimes, before you get your period, as your hormone levels fluctuate, your breast tissues can feel lumpier than normal. Try not to freak out before you see a doctor to confirm it’s nothing.

    9. Anyone with breasts can get breast cancer. 

    Yes, including men. Early detection is key. 

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    Mariam Sule

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  • Interview With Breasts and Bum Bum

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.

    Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.

    Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.

    Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?

    Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.

    Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?

    Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.

    Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.

    Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

    Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.

    Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.

    Would you like some—

    Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.

    Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.

    Breasts: About what?

    Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.

    What discomfort is that? 

    Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.

    Breasts: Okay, and so?

    Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.

    Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.

    Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.

    Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.

    Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.

    Do am if e easy.

    That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.

    Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.

    Bum Bum: Amen oh.

    Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…

    Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—

    Can we pick something else to discuss?

    Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin. 

    Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting  home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.

    That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.

    Breasts: Please keep your apologies.

    Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?

    Breasts: Do you even—

    I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.

    Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?

    Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.

    Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?

    Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it. 

    Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.

    Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?

    Breasts: Hian.

    Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.

    Breasts: Yes, we are listening. 

    Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—

    [Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]

    Bum Bum: I knew it!

    Breasts: You people are so predictable.

    Does this mean you will answer the question?

    Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.

    Bum Bum: Preach sis!

    Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.

    Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?

    No, women also—

    Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?

    Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.

    Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.

    Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.

    Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.

    I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.

    Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?

    Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me? 

    Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.

    Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.

    Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.

    Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?

    Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?

    Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.

    Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?

    Breasts: Okay, mention them.

    Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—

    Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.

    I guess we have our winner.

    Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention. 

    Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.

    Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!

    Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.

    Bum Bum: So, you are—

    Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.

    [Breasts walk out]

    Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?

    Bum Bum: [Lost in thought]

    Bum Bum? 

    Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?

    In fact, a man denied his mother because of me. 

    Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?

    Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?

    Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass. 

    Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.

    Bum Bum: God will punish you.

    You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?

    Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!

    [Bumbum walks out angrily] 

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Read next:

    Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

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    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 6 Alternatives To Wearing Bras

    Bras are one of the most unnecessary things on earth. They dig into your skin, leave marks on your shoulder, and are just downright uncomfortable especially if you have bigger breasts. Now, because we all hate bras, here are some alternatives.

    1) Nylon

    We are all about recycling and taking better care of the environment, so why not take nylons and turn them into bra-like things? Tie a bunch of nylons together and use them as a bra. Not only is this good for the environment, but it makes you a DIY extraordinaire

    2) Hands

    Grab a pair of hands. They could be yours, they could belong to someone else, that’s not important. What gives better support than a pair of hands? Nothing! Two hands for both breasts. Personally, I think that was the intended plan.

    3) Tape

    So, you can do the boring thing people do by taping their nipples, or you can be bold and innovative by taping your breasts to your shoulder. Lift your breast up, paste the first end of the tape on your nipple, and the other end on your shoulder. Firm, secure and in place.

    4) Papier mâché

    The time has finally come to put primary school arts and crafts to good use. From the makers of the papier mâché cup I present the paper mache bra. Just do not wear it during the rainy season or else…

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    5) Clay

    Look for the nearest incomplete building and pack some clay. Do not do this if you plan on hopping from bus to bus. It will crack, and problems will occur.

    6) Nothing

    Bras are a social construct anyway. Who cares what you use and choose not to use? The important thing is that you are happy.

    For more stories of women and the things they do, please click here

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 8 Problems Women With Big Breasts Face

    Having big breasts is like a curse and a blessing. More times, it is problematic asf. I asked Nigerian women to tell me what the problems of having big breasts are and they had a lot to say. These are 8 of some of the most pressing problems women with big breasts face.

    1. People only maintain breasts contact

    Having big breasts means having people talk to your chest instead of you. Where ever you go, people keep staring at your breasts, some even go as far as touching it without consent. Men, women, babies, they all want to touch your breast.

    2. Bras are so EXPENSIVE

    Buying a bra is an extreme sport when you have big breasts. Others can find their bra size for 800 naira while you have to spend at least 3k for a single bra. To top it off, the bras are always ugly. It’s like you don’t even get options. Designers want you to be grateful they even made a bra in your size.

    3. Your breasts walk into any room before you.

    Having big breasts means having a town crier that just announces your presence. It doesn’t matter how you dress, your breasts will find a way to make you the talk of the room.

    Recommended: 7 Things Nigerian Women With Big Breasts Can TOTALLY Relate To.

    4. Strapless bras are a nightmare

    You wear a strapless bra to compliment your sexy gown. However, 20 minutes after you step out in a strapless bra, your bra decides it doesn’t want to hold your breasts anymore, it now likes tummy. So, now you have a high waist belt that used to be a strapless bra.

    5. Limited lying down postions

    There aren’t a lot of comfortable positions for you to lie down. Your breasts are just everywhere. Lying on your sides make your boobs feel like melting ice cream. Lying face front somehow elevates your entire body. You can’t win with your breasts.

    6. The back pain

    Women with heavy breasts have to endure back, shoulders and sometimes, waist pain. Their breast sometimes have them slouching which can lead to bad posture and inevitably, body pains.

    7. Your dress size is never truly accurate.

    It’s as if big breasts just say to their owners “Go! For I have increased you from a size 10 to a size 14.” Having big breasts means knowing that clothes that do not size your breasts will not size you. You have to constantly worry about outfits. It’s exhausting.

    8. Period boobs

    Imagine having period boobs all the time, that’s the life our big tits sisters have to live. You can imagine how heavy and full their breasts become during their period. Honestly, it just gets worse.

    Share this with someone you know can relate.

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    Eris Ekanem

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  • 7 Things Nigerian Women With Big Breasts Can TOTALLY Relate To

    If you are a Nigerian woman with big breasts, then you can TOTALLY relate to these seven things

    1) Pain

    Chest pain AND back pain. Who did you offend? Everyday feels like you are carry three bags of cement on your chest.

    2) The Stares

    People are always looking. They say they are not, but they are.

    3) Finding Something “Professional” To Wear

    No matter what you wear, they will be the first thing to greet everyone that meets you. Every Tunde, Abdul and Emeka will now think you are trying to seduce them. People will now have the audacity to say you are looking unprofessional. When it is not like you can remove the breasts and keep them at home.

    4) Lingerie

    It is difficult enough finding one that fits, but it being pretty too? That is almost impossible. What next will you request for? One dollar to be equals to a naira?

    You when you are looking for lingerie that will fit you AND be pretty

    5) Movement

    It is so difficult to move in them. If you want to run without a sports bra, you have to first secure your assets.

    6) Sports Bras

    These contraptions sometimes feel like they were not made for women with bigger busts. The comfortable ones that will allow you to breathe, are barely keeping the breasts together. The ones that do keep them together feel like torture chambers. THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN.

    7) Breasts To Cry On

    You know the term shoulder to cry on? Yours is breasts to cry on. Everyone sees it as their own personal throw pillow. It is not.

    For more content on all big and small things women, click here

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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