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  • 6 Alternatives To Wearing Bras

    Bras are one of the most unnecessary things on earth. They dig into your skin, leave marks on your shoulder, and are just downright uncomfortable especially if you have bigger breasts. Now, because we all hate bras, here are some alternatives.

    1) Nylon

    We are all about recycling and taking better care of the environment, so why not take nylons and turn them into bra-like things? Tie a bunch of nylons together and use them as a bra. Not only is this good for the environment, but it makes you a DIY extraordinaire

    2) Hands

    Grab a pair of hands. They could be yours, they could belong to someone else, that’s not important. What gives better support than a pair of hands? Nothing! Two hands for both breasts. Personally, I think that was the intended plan.

    3) Tape

    So, you can do the boring thing people do by taping their nipples, or you can be bold and innovative by taping your breasts to your shoulder. Lift your breast up, paste the first end of the tape on your nipple, and the other end on your shoulder. Firm, secure and in place.

    4) Papier mâché

    The time has finally come to put primary school arts and crafts to good use. From the makers of the papier mâché cup I present the paper mache bra. Just do not wear it during the rainy season or else…

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    5) Clay

    Look for the nearest incomplete building and pack some clay. Do not do this if you plan on hopping from bus to bus. It will crack, and problems will occur.

    6) Nothing

    Bras are a social construct anyway. Who cares what you use and choose not to use? The important thing is that you are happy.

    For more stories of women and the things they do, please click here

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 6 Pieces Of Clothes That Betray Women Every Time

    Every woman knows the pain of selecting an outfit for the day and having that outfit backstab them in one way or another. Here are 6 pieces of clothes that consistently betray women.

    Bras

    seven bras on clothesline isolated on white

    For clothes that were made to support women, bras have turned to the dark side by acting as a constriction device.  The sigh of relief when you take off your bra after a day of pretending to be okay is a sure sign that bras cross the thin line between upholding a woman’s breast and squeezing it until they cannot breathe properly. See a Nigerian man for more details on this.

    Bodycon Dresses

    It’s date night and you’re all glammed up looking like a peng thing in your bodycon dress then you make the mistake of exhaling the small air you were holding in. Now, you look like you’re 6 months pregnant and you haven’t even had dinner yet. Bodycon dresses were designed to portray women as peng things with a pouch. They point out the fact that you only did sit-up for 5 minutes before checking for abs.

    Jeans

    I didn’t want to do this but it has to be done. Ladies, what’s up with our jeans looking all fit and trimmed and perfect at the start of the day and then 2 hours out, they become like Semo, without form and purpose. They look like they age at the rate of avocados. Why?

    Off-Shoulder Outfit

    Asides the fact that this outfit choice is very offensive to our A-cup sisters, the technical design is flawed. You can’t raise your hands with confidence, you can’t twerk with your shoulders. Basically, the outfit doesn’t allow you to become your true self. Your body has to be kept a certain way else you’d have to keep adjusting and re-adjusting. Stress.

    Heels

    There is something about wearing heels that makes you feel powerful. You are on top of the world. You tower over your enemies, you are a goddess gracing lesser beings with your presence all until you have to walk on grass or the streets of Nigeria. Heels are for women who drive because jumping danfo with that 5-inch stiletto is going to kill you. Asides from being discriminatory against women with no funds, heels will have your ankles acting out when you’re older which is weird because you don’t see men shoes trying to kill them. 

    Thongs

    I have never seen a piece of clothing that desperately tries to eat ass as hard as thongs. One moment you’re good, the next you’re trying to remove a thick string from your ass crack. Like bro, buy me dinner first.  Know this, as sure as a compass needle finds the north, a thong will find a way to eat your ass. 

    For more, read What She Said: I’m Married But Moonlighting As A Sugar Mummy In My 30s

    Eris Ekanem

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