Boss | Zikoko!

Having a petty boss is an example of a thousand ways to die. The mental, emotional, and life trauma from having a mean boss is unrivalled.

Here are some of the petty things employees have experienced:

1) Inside life.

“My husband and I work in the same hospital and even in the same unit. He’s a senior doctor and I am a junior doctor. Anytime we fight at home, I know I am in trouble at work because, during ward rounds, my husband will keep calling me to answer all the difficult questions. Imagine putting your wife on the spot like that because of small house fight.”

2) Petty’o’clock.

“I resigned at my old job and my boss refused to let me go. He scheduled a meeting saying that he wanted us to discuss a way to make me stay. At the meeting, he fired me. I was so confused.”

3) Na wa oh.

“I disagreed with my boss over something one time but we resolved it. At least that’s what I thought. From then on, whenever someone asked to see the CEO, she’d direct them to me. Her reason was that I was trying to teach her how to run her company since I know better than her. I got tired of the pettiness and eventually left the company.”

4) Love story.

“My oga and I were toasting the same babe but she was feeling me more. I and the babe used to hang out after work because love was sweeting us. My oga noticed that I was the reason she wasn’t giving him face. So, every day when it was almost closing time, he’d send me on some Israelite journey to go and buy God knows what. The aim was to waste my time as much as possible so he could talk to her while I was away. The silver lining was that I’d go pick the babe from her work and we’d run the errand together or even go and eat. It was the funniest thing ever.”

5) Civil servants.

“During my I.T at some dead ministry, I refused to buy food for the members of staff. The main boss in charge supported me so I was protected. However, when I wanted to sign my logbook, the main boss was on leave, and school was rushing us for our signed logbook. I called him to sign and he told me to meet his second in command as he didn’t have the stamp at home.

The second in command was one of the people I had refused to buy food for.

She laughed at me because she saw how desperate I was. She gave me her cooler to go buy Amala for her before signing the book. Someone that even dared me to refuse or report her. I have never done a sadder walk of shame in my life; I still get angry anytime I remember.”

6) Sorry, I laughed.

“I don’t have experience with a boss but I have with a teacher. In SS3, we had this Biology teacher that we used to play pranks on. She just used to tell us that she’d catch us. We used to laugh because after WAEC and JAMB, who’s she catching? I graduated from secondary school and during year one registration, I needed testimonial.

In my secondary school, to get a testimonial, all the teachers that taught you in SS3 must sign for you. I had forgotten all about the woman until I entered her office. It turned out she had been patiently waiting for me. There and then, she told me the criteria for her signing was for her to give me five strokes of the cane. I wanted to enter the ground that day.

I collected my five strokes like a hard guy but the thing entered because I thought I had escaped.”

7) Ahan.

“I resigned from my old place of work because of how toxic it was. My old boss called my new boss to say I didn’t resign but she fired me. I was so dumbfounded. She did fire me but that was after I resigned. Thank God the HR babe at the old place stepped in on my behalf.”

8) Wawu.

“My girlfriend is my boss and the management is cool with it. I work for a start-up and everyone calls each other by their first name. Whenever my babe and I are fighting like this, she’ll call me by my government name and even add Mr. to it. It’s the most annoying thing ever. I hate it with a passion.”

Hassan Yahaya

June 8, 2020

Hustle

Boss, hustle, work
Is it a bad thing to be in love with your boss? Also, why do offices frown on office relationships?

1) When someone says you smell alike.

It’s my perfume that did it.

2) Your face when your boss “summons” you to the office.

Yes, boss.

3) When she asks for a report at home.

No work-life balance.

4) When she shouts at you at work.

Don’t beg me for a massage when we get home.

5) The way you hide when you are on a date and see colleagues from work.

“Have they gone?”

6) The look you give each other when you see a memo advising against dating co-workers.

Lol.

If you enjoyed this, you should definitely take a look at this.

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Hassan Yahaya

March 16, 2020

Hustle

Boss, Relationship, work
Is it necessarily a bad thing to be older than your boss? I mean if someone younger in age than you are is your superior, it’s not necessarily a big deal yh?

1) Your excitement on your first day at a new job.

Goodbye to unemployment.

2) And then you see that your new boss is the junior you bullied in secondary school.

Have my village people followed me this far?

3) The way you people stare at each other.

This is a bad dream.

4) When your boss asks “did you go to so so secondary school?”

I was homeschooled, please.

5) How you look when your new boss recognizes you as the wicked senior from the past.

It was the devil.

6) When your boss hands you plate to go and buy food during lunch break.

Payback is a beach.

7) Your face when your boss asks you a question in front of the whole office that they are sure you don’t know.

I know I deserve this but mercy pls

8) When you finally decide to beg for forgiveness for the past.

The devil will never use me again. Please forgive me.

9) How you go to work knowing there is now mutual respect and forgiveness.

I won’t waste this second chance.

10) You advising your kids not to bully people.

Don’t be like me.

Hassan Yahaya

February 21, 2020

Hustle

Boss, work
Many young Nigerians don’t know how to talk about money or bring up conversations about finance. There are varying reasons for this trend that are too numerous to go into. Because we like you, we created a list of ways to know when it’s time to ask for a salary increase.

1) Fatigue:

If one day you suddenly realize that you haven’t been promoted at work yet you do the job of ten and a half people and you also spend more time (including weekends) in the office than the house you rented. This is a sign that it is time for your salary to match your stress levels. Make sure you only do this if you have been visibly performing and contributing to your company. Also, do proper research on salary range across the industry before asking for a raise to prevent “I thy know.”

2) A crippling absence of enjoyment:

When was the last time you traveled? Me too, I can’t remember. Well, this is about you and not me. So, if you realize that the job depends on you so much that you barely have extended free periods for yourself. You can’t worship God, can’t even slightly fornicate. Then you are in a prime position to negotiate an increase in wages.

3) If your boss buys a new car:

See, don’t ask us how we know. There’s money available. Quickly collect your share before the money finishes.

4) If you have another job offer:

If you have an alternative job offer but for some reason, you prefer your current company. You can just bring it up casually in a conversation if you are to shy to call a meeting: ‘There is serious traffic these days, speaking of traffic, that’s how XYZ company gave me a green light the other day. They offered me the XYZ amount to join them. Can you imagine?”

5) The company has recently “gbe bodied” and you are their Zlatan:

This is the best time to ask for an increase. If the company performed well in the last year and you contributed greatly to the success, you have the leverage to negotiate for a rise in your earnings. This is priceless if you created a process or product that saves the company time and a lot of money.

6) Expertise:

If you are the only person that is really and truthfully and honestly proficient in excel at your office, you can consider bringing up the conversation about money increase. Once you have an invaluable skill, your value automatically goes up. This is because it would cost more for the company to train someone new to do your job. Also, the person may not stick around as long as you have. However, make your research well before bringing it up. This is because asking for too much can make it backfire.

7) Your salary hasn’t increased 14 years after joining the company:

If you have been adding relevant certifications, consistently been doing good work and there is no noticeable increase in salary since joining the company. You should quantify all these and present your case to your boss so there can be a review.

8) You want to go to Canada:

Once I start my own company, anyone that tells me they want to relocate automatically gets a raise. Until then, God will fight our battles.

“O Canada”

“our home and native land”

Beyond the jokes, I hope you found some parts useful. If you did, let us know in the comments!

Hassan Yahaya

January 23, 2020

Money

Boss, money, Nigeria, Raise, salary, work
Odunlade is easily the current reigning meme king in the whole of Nigeria. And these thirteen memes of him are ridiculously apt for every situation in your life.
When your landlord sends you a letter that he’s increasing your rent next year.

But salary hasn’t increased for the past three years.
When you finally run into that Onigbese that has been owing you money for the past five years.

One day for the owner.
When someone wakes you up just as you are about to enter the sweet part of your sleep.

This had better be a life or death situation.
When it’s 5:05 pm on a Friday and your boss asks you if you would mind staying an extra hour to help with something.

How you look at your haters when you are flourishing in life.

All weapons fashioned against me shall not prosper.
When you’ve been waiting for the puff puff to be ready for an hour and the person in front of you buys everything on the tray.

The heart of man is wicked.
How the bouncers look at you when you show up at an invite only owambe without your I.V.

Oga please just respect yourself and go back.
The side eye your mum gives you when you are doing something foolish.

There’s no need for her to talk
When you are sleeping but hear your mum come in and remember you didn’t sweep the place she told you to sweep.

You better find a way to sweep it in 2.5 seconds.
How you carry your shoulder up during salary week.

When you know you won’t soak garri or cook indomie for at least one week.
When you buy food, only to get home and realize that the person selling it forgot to put your meat.

You bought three meat and assorted and they didn’t put anyone.
When you don’t know the answers to all the compulsory questions in an exam.

So what am I supposed to write now? These are just our favourite Odunlade memes. What are yours?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

October 23, 2018

General

Boss, discipline, Memes, Nigeria, Nigerian mother, Odunlade, Onigbese, relatable, work
1. When you first meet your new boss.

Really?
2. When you are trying to negotiate your salary and realise the person paying it is your mate.

Is this life?
3. When your parents find out your boss is your mate, they look at you like:

“Please look at your life!”
4. When your boss asks you for advice.

As your mate abi?
5. When after shouting at you, your boss tries to be friendly again.

My friend leave here!
6. When someone older than your boss in your office wants to start forming seniority.

You better face your front and your salary.
7. When your boss hands you a query.

I thought we were friends oh!
8. When your boss fires you.

Just goes to show you can’t trust anybody!

Jola Ayeye

October 31, 2016

Oldies

Boss, employer, employment, Office, work
1. You, every day you have to go into work:

Just leave me to die.
2. When you hear that NLC wants to go on strike.

NLC, carry on.
3. When you get to work late and your oga starts disturbing you.

Can I live?
4. When one of your colleagues touches your food.

It’s all over. Don’t cry. Don’t beg.
5. You, looking at the clock everyday till it’s time to leave.

Time, hurry up na.
6. When you see someone baffing up to work.

So extra.
7. Your face, when you realize that someone has exchanged your chair with theirs.

Are you mad?
8. Whenever a colleague tries to turn off the AC.

You want to die, ehn?
9. When it’s 5 minutes to closing time and you see a colleague approaching with a file.

God forbid.
10. When your oga tries to give you work after 5.

BYE!
11. Whenever a colleague tries to make conversation with you outside the office.

Don’t biko.
12. You, when your salary was meant to enter by 5:00 and it’s already 5:01.

BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY!
13. When you get a work email during the weekend.

Not today, satan.
14. When they ask if you can come into work on a public holiday.

Keep dreaming.
15. When they give that your oversabi colleague extra work after closing time.

Good for you.
16. When your oga catches you reading Zikoko at the office.

Hay God!

Daniel Orubo

May 25, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Boss, Hate, Job, Nigeria, Office, oga, work

1) Inside life.

2) Petty’o’clock.

3) Na wa oh.

4) Love story.

5) Civil servants.

6) Sorry, I laughed.

7) Ahan.

8) Wawu.

1) When someone says you smell alike.

2) Your face when your boss “summons” you to the office.

3) When she asks for a report at home.

4) When she shouts at you at work.

5) The way you hide when you are on a date and see colleagues from work.

6) The look you give each other when you see a memo advising against dating co-workers.

1) Your excitement on your first day at a new job.

2) And then you see that your new boss is the junior you bullied in secondary school.

3) The way you people stare at each other.

4) When your boss asks “did you go to so so secondary school?”

5) How you look when your new boss recognizes you as the wicked senior from the past.

6) When your boss hands you plate to go and buy food during lunch break.

7) Your face when your boss asks you a question in front of the whole office that they are sure you don’t know.

8) When you finally decide to beg for forgiveness for the past.

9) How you go to work knowing there is now mutual respect and forgiveness.

10) You advising your kids not to bully people.

1) Fatigue:

2) A crippling absence of enjoyment:

3) If your boss buys a new car:

4) If you have another job offer:

5) The company has recently “gbe bodied” and you are their Zlatan:

6) Expertise:

7) Your salary hasn’t increased 14 years after joining the company:

8) You want to go to Canada:

When your landlord sends you a letter that he’s increasing your rent next year.

When you finally run into that Onigbese that has been owing you money for the past five years.

When someone wakes you up just as you are about to enter the sweet part of your sleep.

When it’s 5:05 pm on a Friday and your boss asks you if you would mind staying an extra hour to help with something.

How you look at your haters when you are flourishing in life.

When you’ve been waiting for the puff puff to be ready for an hour and the person in front of you buys everything on the tray.

How the bouncers look at you when you show up at an invite only owambe without your I.V.

The side eye your mum gives you when you are doing something foolish.

When you are sleeping but hear your mum come in and remember you didn’t sweep the place she told you to sweep.

How you carry your shoulder up during salary week.

When you buy food, only to get home and realize that the person selling it forgot to put your meat.

When you don’t know the answers to all the compulsory questions in an exam.

1. When you first meet your new boss.

2. When you are trying to negotiate your salary and realise the person paying it is your mate.

3. When your parents find out your boss is your mate, they look at you like:

4. When your boss asks you for advice.

5. When after shouting at you, your boss tries to be friendly again.

6. When someone older than your boss in your office wants to start forming seniority.

7. When your boss hands you a query.

8. When your boss fires you.

1. You, every day you have to go into work:

2. When you hear that NLC wants to go on strike.

3. When you get to work late and your oga starts disturbing you.

4. When one of your colleagues touches your food.

5. You, looking at the clock everyday till it’s time to leave.

6. When you see someone baffing up to work.

7. Your face, when you realize that someone has exchanged your chair with theirs.

8. Whenever a colleague tries to turn off the AC.

9. When it’s 5 minutes to closing time and you see a colleague approaching with a file.

10. When your oga tries to give you work after 5.

11. Whenever a colleague tries to make conversation with you outside the office.

12. You, when your salary was meant to enter by 5:00 and it’s already 5:01.

13. When you get a work email during the weekend.

14. When they ask if you can come into work on a public holiday.

15. When they give that your oversabi colleague extra work after closing time.

16. When your oga catches you reading Zikoko at the office.