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We understand how sad it must feel to live your truth outside of bisexual visibility day. Especially when you feel like your identity isn’t valid and you don’t see enough bisexual representation in mainstream media.
That’s why we’ve come up with seven simple ways to feel less invisible as a bisexual person.
Walk anywhere and take whatever you like
I mean, you’re already invisible so do crime. How will they see you to catch? Walk into that store you’ve been eyeing for months and pick whatever you like. In fact, go to an amala joint and just dish whatever you like, eat and don’t pay. You’re basically untouchable at this point.
Walk up to random people and shout, “It’s just a phase.”
I strongly suggest you make use of a megaphone so it’s more effective. Since everybody thinks it’s okay to tell you how to identify, they should be okay hearing it back too. If you like, set a reminder to send this to random group chats daily. Anything to get the message across. They already think you’re bisexual for attention anyway.
Wear the flag everywhere
It’s a beautiful flag, so buy many yards to sew as many clothes as possible. It’ll call attention to you, and maybe you’ll be more visible. It’ll also make Tunde from bumble stop saying stupid shit like, “Wow, I’ve never met a bisexual in my life”, before proceeding to ask for a threesome.
Since everyone’s favourite pastime is to tell you to pick a side, don’t let them know your next move. Choose yourself instead. As a bisexual person, your dating pool is instantly smaller because queer women think you’d cheat, and the men just want threesomes. Spare yourself all that and date yourself. It can’t get more self-love than that.
Watch music videos that were your bisexual awakening
Like everyone else, there must be one or ten music videos that were your queer awakening. Whether it’s all of Beyonce’s music videos or that one song with Hayley Kiyoko and Kehlani, it’s hard to feel invisible when you’re watching things that make you feel seen.
Take a quiz
You know nothing makes you feel better than a good “How bisexual are you quiz”. Maybe you’ll finally figure it out, or probably not. Because your attraction to both genders might not be equal, and that’s okay.
Watch your favourite shows
I know you watch it for the plot and amazing OST, and not for the two very different characters you have a crush on. When you feel the most invisible, you can always find comfort in romanticising a life where you’re married to both your celebrity crushes.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men.
When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.
We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like.
Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing.
How did you feel after?
Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options.
Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with.
So what happened after sex with your best friend?
Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure.
Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot.
After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week.
Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex.
From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel?
Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually.
That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian.
Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left.
Lmao, she was interested?
Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself.
A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian.
Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title.
Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted.
I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically.
A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms.
Then what?
A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked.
But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers.
We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.
This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian.
Did you enjoy the sex?
It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before.
After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis.
What did you do?
What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him.
It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked.
However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do.
I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman.
When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much?
It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than.
I hope you finally stop feeling less than
Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not.
So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.
Biphobia is an aversion towards bisexual people. This includes denying that bisexuality is a valid sexual orientation and implying that bisexual people are promiscuous.
1. “Bring one of your friends, let’s have a threesome”
First of all, who told you I want to sleep with you?
2. “You are now into women?”
Yes, and so? A person can find out they are bisexual at any point in their lives.
3. “You are a cheat”
There’s this misconception that bisexual women want to date both men and women at the same time. Bisexuality ≠ polyamory. Also, polyamory ≠ cheating.
4. “It’s just a phase”
It’s your uncle that is a phase. This is usually followed with, “you will outgrow it and stick with men.” LMAO. Who made you a timekeeper of sexuality issues?
5. “Freak”
This is the most degrading of all comments. People can be bisexual and not be interested in sex. People can be bisexual and have lots of sex. You don’t get to make sex the centre of their sexuality.
6. “Are you really bi?”
Yes.
7. “I can make you straight”
Even God can’t, dearie.
8. “You’re still going to end up with a man in the end”.
Why are you so sure? What if I end up with a woman? What end then?
9. “You’re not bisexual enough if you prefer men.”
Bisexuality presents differently for different people. Some people prefer men, some prefer women, some people have no preference but they are all bisexual. Get with it.
10. “How do you know you’re bisexual if you’ve never been with women?”
How do you know you’re straight if you’ve never been with someone of your gender?
11. “Oh so you’re lesbian”
No! Bisexuality is a valid sexual orientation. Period.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual man who talks about being sexually abused as a kid and how that led his developing a sexual addiction and finding it hard to say ‘no’ to sex. He talks about dealing with his sexual addiction, going celibate and eventually finding love and maintaining a healthy sex life.
What was your first sexual experience?
My first sexual experience wasn’t consensual. My mum had this sales girl who sometimes slept in our house and ate with us and stuff. One day, when I was around ten, she made me put my hand in her vagina and finger her. And it kept happening. She would come over and instruct me on what to do, with my hands and with my penis. I couldn’t even get hard then, so I have no idea why she wanted me to do it.
I’m so sorry.
Yeah. It went on for almost two years, then my mum found out and was so mad. She wanted to beat the girl, but she ran away. My mum tried calling the girl’s people; they said they hadn’t seen her.
I was and still am so grateful to my mum for that. She protected me from what could have gone on for even longer and reacted in a way that made me know I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I could talk to her about sensitive things.
That’s amazing. Shout out to your mum. Do you think being sexually abused affected your sex life?
I do. I became so fascinated and obsessed with sex and sexual things. From like 15, I watched way too many pornos, read porn comic strips, hentai etc. I was a little bit too excited about anything sexual. When I started having sex on my own, it kinda went into another realm.
Explain…
I had consensual sex for the first time at 17. This was after secondary school and before uni. I was home for a year, and attending computer class. I was close to a girl in class, and one day, our teacher, didn’t show. Her house was close, so we decided to go there. One thing led to another, and we had sex at her house.
After that, we started a habit of missing classes to go to her house when her parents weren’t around to have sex.
I became curious about sex with almost everyone I met. And right after this period, I had some big changes in my life. I moved to Abuja for university, my mum finally let me have a phone and I realised I was bisexual.
Oh?
It’s funny. I always found guys as attractive as I found girls, but it was when I moved to Abuja that I met people who made me understand what that was and what I meant.
So what was your sex life in university?
Let me set the scene for you: I got into uni at 18, a brand new adult, away from my mother for the first time, a brand new bisexual ID card and unattended trauma. To worsen the matter, my grades were great and I was good looking. All I can say is, for the duration of my university education, I had a busy sex life.
Can I get more details?
People wanted to sleep with me and I was always down. I was very experimental and didn’t say no to sexual experiences. At one point, I was having a new person sleepover at my off-campus apartment at least twice or thrice a week. I discovered 2go and Badoo and started hooking up with guys, then girls from school. It was a lot of sex.
Why didn’t you say no? Did you just not want to say no or didn’t feel like you could?
I didn’t even realise that I could say no. The thought of saying “no” didn’t cross my mind.
I wanted to sleep with some people, don’t get me wrong. But a lot of the sex that I had wasn’t because I wanted to. It was because the people I was sleeping with wanted to. Abuse and rape damage you in ways that you don’t even realise.
That’s heartbreaking. What was it like after uni?
For a while, it was mostly the same. I think I developed a bit of sexual addiction — a lot of sex, a lot of sex parties. Then I met my girlfriend. I consider her my very first girlfriend because she was the first partner I had an emotional connection with. She was also the first person I tried to be monogamous with.
How did that play out?
Horribly. We dated for about four months, then I ended things because I felt really bad. I couldn’t stop sleeping with other people. I hated being in a place where I couldn’t control myself. So a few months after we broke up, I went celibate.
How long were you celibate for?
A year and six months. It was horrible and great at the same time.
Can you explain?
It forced me to deal with my trauma and establish boundaries and learn how to say no. That wasn’t easy and required so much work, maturity and strength from me, my friends and loved ones. But It was great because I felt more in control of my life and myself for the first time.
Did you go back to dating after you ended your celibacy?
Yeah, I did a bit of casual dating. Then I met my boyfriend — who I am still with.
What’s your sex life like now?
Very moderate and healthy. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it has been great. I am at a place where I understand myself and my body and know how to say yes and no. My partner and I are experimental, so we occasionally bring other people to bed just for the fun of it. Other than that, it’s great sex and with me in control of myself and what happens to my body.
That sounds amazing.
It is.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your sex life right now?
10. I’m very happy with it. I’ve found a great balance and I’m having great sex so there’s nothing to complain about.
Bisexual stereotypes like all stereotypes are annoying and sometimes very harmful. Since September 23rd is Celebrate Bisexual Day, we talk to 8 Nigerian bisexuals about the bisexual stereotypes and how the “playful” comments people make are quite biphobic. Basically, one of the best ways to celebrate a bisexual apart from sending them food or money, is to not stereotype them.
Tomisin; 20, he/him
The most common one is how all bisexuals are cheats. ALL OF US. It is absolutely an insane thing to hear. People think it is a joke, but it is not. There was this guy who I was talking to, the first time we meet physically, I tell him I am bisexual and that same day, he blocks me. Everywhere. Why? Because I am more likely to cheat.
Amaka; 18, she/they
People make it seem like with being bisexual, you have a choice. You get to pick which gender you will date when it is most convenient for you. That is why the monosexuals in the queer community think we have privilege. Maybe, but I do not feel very privileged right now.
Frank; 26, he/him
People are constantly telling me to choose a side, and it is just a phase. I am not the moon, only the moon comes in phases. The side I have chosen is bisexual. Deal with it. I had this friend of mine who was an “ally”. He kept telling me that it is either gay or straight and since I am effeminate, I am gay. So, I slept with his girlfriend. Not my proudest moment, but he deserved it. Now, I am too secure in my sexuality to bother about those people.
Cynthia; 25, she/her
There was a girl I was texting, and she felt very into the conversation. I was really happy because I had never dated a girl before. One day, we plan to have a weekend at a hotel. When I got there, I met her boyfriend. I was so annoyed. They did not understand my annoyance because “shebi you are bi.”
Chris; 29, he/him
I am trans bisexual man. People keep telling me that since I am bisexual, why do I need to transition? That why can I not just date both. It does not work that way. Sexuality does not equal gender.
Zainab; 19, she/they
As a polyamorous bisexual, I am stressed. I am not polyamorous because I am bisexual, and I am not bisexual because I am polyamorous. These two things just happen to exist at the same time, and neither of them make me confused, selfish or unsatisfied. It means I have range, and I am sorry you cannot relate.
Titilope; 24, she/her
Being bisexual is not a 50/50 thing. Narratives like that are what makes it harder for people to come to terms with their sexuality. Me liking men more made me invalidate the fact that I liked women as well, and I struggled to come to terms with myself for the longest time possible. I always felt like a straight poser, but I am a bisexual woman, and liking men more does not invalidate that.
Kunle; 23, he/him
Bisexual people are not transphobic. Trans men are men, trans women are women. Making it seem that by choosing to identify as bisexual, we are somehow excluding them is very transphobic. Why? Because it shows you view them as some strange gender, not men or women. You need to check your own biases and stop projecting on us.
In anticipation of Bisexuality Awareness Week which takes place every September 16 – 23, I decided to speak to a bisexual woman about her experiences being out in Nigeria. The 29-year-old woman in this story talks about her decision to come out to her very religious parents while still living with them and the aftermath of coming out.
When did you first realise you were bisexual?
Unlike most people, I can’t pinpoint one moment and say this was the defining moment. I guess the same way straight people don’t wake up one day and realise, “oh hey, I’m heterosexual.” I do remember that when I was in secondary school, I had a crush on a girl, but that wasn’t my first crush. The girl had a boyfriend. When I realised she didn’t swing both ways, my crush died a harrowing death. Soon, I realised I had a crush on her boyfriend. Interesting how that worked out and we dated for years. I guess that’s my first memory of being attracted to a member of the opposite sex and same sex within the same time frame.
How did you deal with that, living a deeply religious society?
It was definitely not easy. Add to the fact that my parents are very religious. They go to one of the biggest Pentecostal churches and are pastors there, so they don’t tolerate nonsense. Just talking to boys was a problem, now imagine coming out as being attracted to women… that would have meant more trouble as a teen. I remember once my older brother read my messages where my then boyfriend wrote “goodnight dear” at the end of a text to me. He showed the text to my dad who was so aggravated by the use of the word “dear”, he started asking if I was still a virgin and what not. Right now, I cannot fathom why it was such a big deal.
My mum was no different. As soon as I was old enough — 16 ish — I made up my mind to not tell my parents about major life decisions: who I was dating, my job, etc. My plan was to simply disappear once I had the money to. I knew it was the only way to go if I wanted to live my best life.
I’m guessing that didn’t happen.
Nope.
The older I grew, the better my relationship with my mum got. By the time I was done with university, she was no longer an unbearable, religious woman. We used to gist, hang out and shop together.
For context, where my dad was the loud, obnoxious one, my mum had always been more subtle. With a straight and calm face, she could tell you that there was something wrong with your entire life — something she’s said to me one too many times.
She changed in a very remarkable way and I couldn’t lock her out.
I can see how this relationship dynamic makes it hard to disappear on her.
Fam. At this point, I’d dated just one guy and three different women, none of whom she’d met. It felt like I was sinning or doing something bad. When I was dating a colleague from work, I brought her home and first introduced her as a friend. I was living under their roof. So calling her a friend was only wise — she could sleep over when she wanted, and they wouldn’t suspect a thing.
My parents took an interest in her. They really liked her. My dad would ask her about her boyfriend, she would smile politely and we would smile at each other knowingly. Lmao. I did like that there was no pressure from her to come out to my parents because the thought of doing that gave me serious anxiety.
That my mum was cool with me didn’t mean she was no longer a pastor in church or that her definition of morality wasn’t still very high and different. We once started to watch a movie with queer characters together and she said “I feel like vomiting. What has this world become?”
When did you finally muster the courage to come out to her?
Almost a year after my colleague and I broke up. In fact, I was dating a guy when I told my parents about it. I asked my siblings to come home, so they could help hold my parents just in case one of them decided to kill me.
How did it go?
Let’s just say, not very well. My father was raging and fuming and shouting “no child of mine”. There was a table just by his side, and he flung it against the wall.
And my mum was just staring. I tried to touch her to explain, but she brushed me off. She said, “Are you doing this on purpose? Are you trying to hurt me? Where did I go wrong?” We had to rush her to the hospital later because her blood pressure skyrocketed. I doubt that the two event are unrelated.
Oh wow.
A few weeks later when things had settled down, my mum and I talked about it. She said she wanted to understand what exactly being bisexual meant for me. I told her. She asked if I wanted to pray about it. I said no. After a while, she just said, I can’t live your life for you, I can’t choose for you and a long ass speech which wasn’t exactly an approval, but it was peace.
What made you decide you were ready to come out?
I was tired of feeling as though I was living a double life. I really yearned for my parent’s approval — especially my mum’s in everything I did. I felt like if I spoke to her, she’d understand. It wasn’t one thing that triggered it. I was just tired of sneaking around and lying and pretending. I really just wanted peace and I’ve gotten that to an extent.
That’s reasonable. How prepared were you for this coming out experience?
I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared to be disowned and for like heaven to fall down. My mum’s reaction didn’t surprise me. I mean the high blood pressure bit was scary but every other thing was how I imagined it’d play out. I imagined my dad would be a lot worse though. It almost get there sha.
How?
He outed me to some ministers in his church, and they wanted to perform conversion therapy on me. Luckily, my mum gave me the heads-up and that didn’t happen.
Whenever I mention a friend, he sort of gets alert, perhaps trying to figure out if I’m talking about a woman or not.
The plot twist is that I’m currently in a relationship that might end up in marriage.
In a relationship with a man?
Yup. I’m not doing it out of pressure to conform or to please my parents. I’m actually in love. In fact, I’m doing it more for the safety net that marriage as an institution confers on women than to please anyone. He knows I’m queer, and we’re both polyamorous. So we’ll be extending this to our marriage if and when we do get married.
Nice. What was the hardest part of coming out to your parents?
Coming out itself. I can’t take for granted the fact that coming out wasn’t as drawn out as I expected it to be. I am lucky in some ways. I know some people who can’t dream of mentioning it to their relatives. But I can’t deny that coming out severed something in my relationship with my mum and dad. Especially with my mum. And I really want it to be back to normal. If ever. I pray it does come back. But importantly, I feel at peace in my heart. It doesn’t feel like I’m sinning. That’s important to me.
If you’d like to share your experience as a Nigerian or African woman across a range of different issues that affect women, send me an email.
For bisexual and pansexual people who are attracted to (and sleep with) both men and women, it’s expected that they’ve noticed core differences in the ways they approach sex.
So, for Pride Month, we decided to ask a bunch of bisexual and pansexual Nigerians to share what it’s like sleeping with men and women. Here are 7 of the best answers we got.
Chinyere, 26/Female/Bisexual
I’m more physically attracted to men, but I’m emotionally drawn to women. With men, the thrusting is nice, but it never really goes anywhere. Few men actually understand how to properly please a woman.
With women, I’m already seeing stars without any actual penetration. Then when a strap-on is added into the mix, it’s just next-level. Women always pay so much more attention to detail.
I’m currently in my first-ever relationship with a woman, and whenever we have sex, my vagina literally cries her a river. So, yeah, I definitely prefer sex with women.
Femi, 26/Male/Bisexual
I sleep with more women than men, and I think I prefer it that way. I really like drama and men just don’t have enough of it. Sex with men tends to be a bit predictable.
The major difference for me, however, is in the desire to push boundaries. I’ve noticed that men are a lot less willing to try new thing in the bedroom, and that’s no fun.
Mary, 24/Female/Bisexual
I’m currently sleeping with more men than women. In the past couple of years, I’ve been living in remote cities and it’s just a lot easier to meet men. Before then, it was more women.
Having sex with women is more sensual and selfless. Whenever I sleep with men, I zone out and only come back when I’m ready to have an orgasm. You can’t do that with a woman — you need to be present.
I prefer sex with women because it’s more intimate and fulfilling, but with men, it often feels like a means to an end. In my experience, sex with men is usually just a wham-bam situation.
David, 30/Male/Bisexual
I currently sleep with more men than women. At this point in my life, I’m only interested in having no-strings-attached sex and men are so much easier to hook up with.
For me, sex with men is a lot more fun and primal, but with women, it’s tender and intimate. I can’t say I prefer one over the other because it really depends on what I’m craving at the moment.
That being said, I feel a lot more accomplished when I make a woman come. It’s a lot harder, so whenever I pull it off, I pat myself on the back. With men, it’s usually just like turning on a tap.
Tola, 21/Female/Pansexual
I sleep with more men than women. I actually enjoy being with both, but I’ve noticed that with women there’s more synergy — the sexual tension is usually stronger and I always feel safe enough to explore.
With men, it changes from person to person. Some are selfish, while some are great. It’s usually the latter when the guy is open to communication. I don’t have a preference, though, it really all depends on our connection.
Wale, 33/Male/Bisexual
I sleep with women a lot more, even though I don’t really prefer one over the other. In my experience, the major difference is that sex with women is more complex than sex with men.
I’ve had to learn how to make each woman come. Only been lucky enough to make one woman come the first time we had sex. It’s a challenge and that makes it fun. Men aren’t that hard to figure out.
Another major difference I’ve noticed is that sex with men is more selfish. Most men are just looking to get off when they have sex with you and it shows. Women are much more thoughtful.
Funmi, 20/Female/Bisexual
I sleep with more men, but it’s easier with women — it flows better and it’s more intimate. I don’t think women try to prove anything in the bedroom, they just want to connect.
I think men feel like they always need to perform, and that takes away from the experience. Some men also don’t listen very well. Still, I don’t have a preference, because even bad sex makes for funny stories.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who had only ever had sex with women until last month. After unexpectedly making out with a guy at a party, he had his bisexual awakening, and now he feels like he just hit reset on his life.
When did you have sex for the first time?
I was about 13 or 14. It actually happened with a prostitute.
Sorry. What?
Yeah. I went to an all-boys catholic school and my friend took me to a caban (a brothel). This was around 2005 or 2006, and it cost me N500. I remember when we got there, the lady I ended up having sex with was eating eba. My friend spoke to the person in charge, and he organised the whole thing. The prostitute was super impatient. She just wanted me to finish and be going.
Wait. If you were no more than 14 at the time, wasn’t this like statutory rape?
What’s their business? I’m sure the students in my school were their biggest customers — our building was right behind theirs. At the time I went, they weren’t very popular in the school, but later we just started hearing that boys were flocking there. It gave everyone who went serious street cred.
When did you first have sex with someone who wasn’t a prostitute?
I think I was maybe 17 or 18. Between that time and losing my virginity, I only made out and got head from like two people. I remember almost trying anal sex at some point, but I couldn’t find the asshole. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where the asshole is.
LMAO. I’m not even going to touch that. So, how often do you have sex now?
Before last month, the last time I actually had sex was 2016. It was with a prostitute and it was horrible. I only did it because it had been a minute. But that’s when I knew I was done with transactional sex. It just didn’t do anything for me, and I could barely maintain my erection.
The thing is, I never used to feel like I was good enough. So whenever I fell in love with or was drawn to a woman, I never had the courage to do anything about it. Out of the 11 women I’ve had sex with, I never really had any strong emotional ties to any of them. Being with them was easy because I knew I wasn’t at risk of getting my heart broken.
Fair. You said, “before last month”. What happened last month?
Yeah. So, I went to a house party. It was hosted by a gay friend of mine. My actual intention was just to breeze through and show face. My friend was mad because I hadn’t visited him in a while.
So, imagine me just trying to perform my friendly obligation and the next thing I know, I’m holding hands with a guy I’d just met, feeling many, many things all at once.
OH? How did that happen?
So, I entered the party, we made eye contact, and then we casually said hi to each other. He was talking with my friend, the one hosting the party. I remember thinking, “I’ll go talk to him after.”
The stranger? Why did you want to talk to him?
Now that I think about it, that was probably me being interested in him. At the time, however, my intentions were completely innocent. I was just thinking we’d have a nice chat and I’d make a new friend.
But now, I guess there was obviously an underlayer of attraction. I mean, why did I want to speak to him? It was because I saw his fine face. That’s why when it all went down, it was very easy.
What exactly went down?
I was smoking a cigarette and he asked for it. Then I tried to give it to him, but he didn’t take it from me. He just took my hand to his mouth and smoked. I thought that was REALLY interesting.
Then I went to sit beside him. This is the point where the rest of the night becomes a bit of a blur. I still don’t know how my hand slipped into his, but it just sort of happened. I don’t think I initiated it though. I was really just following his lead.
So, the hand-holding was happening for a bit — I really, really like holding hands — and then he kissed my neck. In my mind, I was like, “Oh? So, you’re kissing a boy tonight?” Honestly, I still hadn’t even considered it as a possibility up until that point.
Lmao. Wow. You were really not reading the signs.
Clearly not. Anyway, I turned to him and he kissed me on the lips. I must have really liked it because anytime somebody looked away, I would bring my face to his and we’d sneak a kiss.
Eventually, I suggested that we go look for water in the kitchen. This was really just an excuse for us to have enough privacy to kiss properly. It was at this moment that I really got fucked up.
He would kiss me, take a step back, look at me and say stuff like “You’re so handsome”. For the first time in a really long time, I felt truly seen.
Did you guys only kiss?
No. We moved it to the bathroom and jerked each other off. I remember when we were making out, it was so intense that I suddenly felt the urge to tell this complete stranger that I loved him. I figured it was just a fluke that came in the heat of passion, but for the next couple of days, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Hian. How did it escalate to that point?
I think I’m the one that fucked up. After we finished in the bathroom, I should have just let it end there, but I still wanted to hold his hand and shit. I didn’t want him to feel like I only wanted to hook up and bounce. In retrospect, I think he would have probably preferred that.
I was even holding his hand when I was driving him home, which is really hard to do. I was struggling to turn the steering wheel, while I was holding his hand and kissing it. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have done all that.
So, how did you process what was happening?
I had an existential crisis, but it wasn’t the kind you’d expect after something like this. I wasn’t freaking out about the fact that I’d just hooked up with a boy; everything in my head was about my supposed feelings for him. I wasn’t even worried about what all this meant about my sexuality, I was just super focused on him.
That sounds intense.
Yeah. He was the face of everything that was happening to me at that moment. Instead of me to settle down and deal with this new revelation about myself, I was too busy focusing on him and what I thought was love.
Did you reach out to him when all this was happening?
Yeah. It happened on Friday. I didn’t reach out on Saturday because I was trying to be strong. By Sunday evening, I couldn’t form any longer. I just gave in and texted him.
Then what?
In all honesty, this is where I started acting crazy. He didn’t actually do anything wrong. I was just expecting an insane amount of consistency from this total stranger. But in my head, I felt like I knew him. I mean, he was all I was thinking about that time. Maybe if I had just calmed down, we’d still be talking now.
You guys aren’t talking anymore? Why?
He wasn’t matching my energy, so I unfollowed him on Instagram. Then when he noticed, he blocked me. I tried to reach out later, but I guess he was done with my shit. Thankfully, I no longer feel anything that all-consuming for him. That has been replaced with a fondness because he was my first.
Have you hooked up with other guys since then?
Yeah. I had sex with a guy not too long after that. It was a friend. We went out for drinks, talked for a bit in my car, and I ended up at his place. It wasn’t actually the plan when I decided to go out that night, but I really liked it. Now, I feel seasoned.
So, how would you label yourself now?
It’s all so new to me. Even though I don’t really believe in labels, I understand that they matter. So, if I had to label myself, I’d call myself a very powerful bisexual.
LMAO. Love it. Now that you’ve had this realisation, do you think there’s a possibility you were ever repressing this part of yourself?
Well, probably. As I said, I went to an all-boys catholic school and there is nothing they hated more than homosexuality. I still have the voice of our administrator, who was a priest, echoing in my head. He always got heated when discussing this topic. So, with all that messaging, I probably repressed it subconsciously.
There were actually a few times in secondary school that I woke up to find a boy giving me head. I was a horny kid and it felt nice, so I never actually made an effort to stop them. In my mind, since I wasn’t the one who initiated it, it wasn’t a reflection of my sexuality.
How did it make you feel though?
I mean, I definitely used to have moments of guilt about enjoying it, especially with how intensely they preached against stuff like that.
You don’t consider any of those experiences your first time with a guy?
Pretending to be asleep while someone gives you head is not personal. You’re not really involved. With the guy at the party, it was my choice. I wasn’t intoxicated or anything. I simply wanted to kiss him.
That makes sense. So, what’s next for you considering your newfound sexuality?
I don’t mind the idea of belonging to the streets.
What the hell does that mean?
Lmao. Giving it to anyone who is willing to take. But seriously, I’m not making any conscious effort to hook up with anybody. The only person I can even hook up with now if I get horny is a babe — she’s been a regular fuck buddy. I don’t have any guys in my view, and I don’t know about hitting on one.
You don’t know how to or you don’t want to?
Honestly, I don’t want to. Men are assholes. I don’t have their energy. I mean, I probably will eventually, but not now.
Fair. Have you told the people in your life about all this?
Only one really close friend. Also told some other relatively new friends that I met on social media. Sometimes it’s easier to be open with people you don’t really know because their expectations of you aren’t set in stone. With old friends, telling them something so life-changing feels like a lot.
You don’t think you’ll ever tell them?
I would really like to. I mean, if I spend the entire year living my life as a powerful bisexual, are you telling me no one will know about my impact? Nah. I wouldn’t like that.
LMAO. What about women you’ll date moving forward, will you let them know?
I honestly don’t know. Nigerian women can be very biphobic. Maybe if it’s one of those babes that are always dropping woke threads on Twitter, then yes.
How would you rate your sex life?
I don’t think I have a sex life at the moment. Before last month, I wasn’t feeling or doing shit. I even started wondering if I was asexual. But now, I do feel like I’m starting again, so I’d say a zero. Maybe ask me this question again in a year.
