Dear Big Brother,

We understand there’s not much to do in your house, but the men you’ve put there have decided the best they can do is come together to talk about all the ways they’re playing the girls who like them. 

We won’t stand for this, so we’ve decided to compile a list of more profitable pastimes they can engage in.

Fight

What’s reality TV without a sprinkle of intense gidigbo here and there. Please, lift your no-fights rule for one day, so these men (Miracle and Yemi) can fight once and for all.

Do monologues

They need to channel their inner creativity and turn all that side chat into a reputable form of art. Make them perform for their fellow housemates. Let the owner of the gist receive it and act accordingly. 

Jangolova

Turn your house into a playground for 30 minutes. Give them permission to tie their sheets together and swing left and right like Tarzan.

Become handymen

Someone broke their bed, and they want you to fix it? Biggie, give them tools and let them sort themselves out.

Give therapy

Come on, you’ve done it before. Make them play dress up and talk to each other about their feelings. 

Play lover boy

Half of them are already treating your house like their marital home. They might as well play Romeo and Juliet, Big Brother style.

Clean the pool

Biggie, they don’t even have to drain it. Give them soap and sponge, and make them spend their day figuring out how to wash the pool you so graciously provided them. 

Do storytime and tell us their life history

The men in your house need to hold a roundtable discussion with other housemates to explain in detail who they are and why they’re moving the way they’re moving in your house. The first time around wasn’t enough, please.

Ask how they can help you

For starters, they’re obviously bigger than you because one single respect for you, they don’t have. Maybe tell all of them to keep quiet and pick pin to remind them that you’re their big brother. 

Please, take this letter in good fate. We’re just trying to help you help us.

READ: #BBTitans Recap: Biggie and His Ships

To stay entertained and unmoved by the bs, these are the only trusted, effective ways to watch BBTitans.

Don’t have a fave

Go in blind, come out blind. If possible, don’t even take note of their names. Give them nicknames, or better still, call them contestant 1 to whatever number they came in as. Detach yourself from Big Brother’s children lest they carry you go where you no know.

Make a deal with nepa

Go to their office with a big fat hamper and beg them one by one. We don’t care how they’ll know when you’ve watched enough. Just beg them to cut your light off when it’s enough.

Watch it only on your TV

Watch big brother only on your tv. Do not, and I’ll repeat it, do not watch it via Twitter. Agendas will rise. You’ll want to see what’s happening in real-time. Next thing, you’re awake at 3 a.m. watching your fave like a witch watches their calabash.

Wear a rubber band around your wrist

It’s going to get heated. The housemates will get into fights, but you have to remember, it’s their fight, not yours. So every time you feel like standing on your sofa and swearing for the poor TV that hasn’t done anything to you, snap the band around your wrist to snap yourself back to reality.

Hire a slapper

Pay your slapper well oo, so they can slap you just enough to reset your brain if you start doing the most for the housemates, but not enough to give you temporary amnesia.

Don’t ship 

I know they’re cute, I know you love love, but remember, human beings cannot be trusted. If you ship, they’ll do as they please, and you’ll have to defend them on Twitter. Bye bye sanity.

Japa

Pack your load and leave the country. Get as far away as you can. That way, you can’t just turn on your TV and see them. Problem solved.