Just to be clear, this isn’t a tutorial on how to be an actual Lagos big boy. That cannot be taught. It’s innate –I mean, we can’t all be Noble Igwe. But I can tell you how to pass for one for like a day, or at most a couple of weeks, depending on your intentions. And by intentions, I mean which girl you want to deceive.

1. A White Trad/Native

This is the Lagos Big Boy uniform. It has to be crisp and super starched. And very very white.

Not that one in your closet with that tacky crest, please, that phase has passed, thankfully.

2. A Proper Beard

A Lagos Big Boy has to be good looking. Notice I didn’t say handsome? Yeah, that’s because you don’t need to be handsome. If you have a face only a mother could love, a beard will be your saving grace.

A beard is to guys, what makeup is to girls, so start grooming one.

But if your facial hair is lagging behind in growth, you might want to look into buying hair growth supplement. You don’t want to look like this…

Noble Igwe has made it easy for you. Just read his guide on what you need for the ultimate groomed beard. Make sure to read this one and this one as well. For inspiration on what to aspire for, see the picture gallery here.

You’re welcome.

3. Car Keys

Most Lagos big boys either drive a Range or a G-Wagon, but this is about being a Lagos Big Boy on a budget, I really don’t expect you to have a car, or even if you do, I don’t expect it to be up to par.

All you really need is the illusion. So, keep the car keys visible at all times (preferably on the table in front of you), it will take a while for people to notice you don’t actually have a car.

4. An Accent or Two

The strangest thing about being a Lagos Big Boy is that no one actually expects you to stay in Lagos. I mean sure you are expected to visit on select holidays and stuff, but you need to have done some serious time abroad.

So what better way to convince people that you just came back from the ‘Amurica’, than a couple of OAP-grade accents?

5. Haircut from Kayz Place

This isn’t even about how good the haircuts are (trust me, they are), this is about the clientele.

https://instagram.com/p/1Fgz23q0fy/

A Lagos Big Boy needs Lagos Big Boy friends, and this is your safest bet to meet some.

https://instagram.com/p/zpnDEhK0eu/

Think of that 1,500/haircut as an investment, and remember to tip your barber.

6. An iPhone (The newest one, obviously)

I don’t really need to justify this. It’s simple, no one is trying to see your Samsung, even if it is an S6.

I don’t make the rules. Sorry.

7. A Light Skinned Babe or Two or Three

I’m not even joking.

No one cares about how beautiful your dark-skinned girl is, if she isn’t competing for brightness with your white trad, you need to find someone else.

8. Live On the Island

And by Island I don’t mean Ajah, no one is trying to do cross country for you, sir.

So squat with a friend long enough to create that illusion and you’re golden.

9. Name Drop

Make sure you find a way to mention that celebrity you partied with last week, whether the conversation calls for it at all.

“Could you pass the salt?”

“Wizkid likes salt too, he told me last time we saw.”

Yup, it doesn’t even have to make sense. Just do it.

10. High Body Count

You’re a virgin?! What are you even doing here?

Either you find a way to lose the V-card or kill all the witnesses to your lack of action!

OR you could just lie to your friends when you tell them “I hit that” about babes you’re just friends with, like only a real Lagos Big Boy would.

11. Sunglasses at all times

Don’t be that guy that wears them into buildings and you’ll be good.

Just make sure you have it on hand for even the slightest glare. Anything that makes you look better than you actually do is a big plus.

Especially when you get one that actually suits your face.

Did we miss anything? Do you agree with this guide? Sound off in the comments section.