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bank | Zikoko!
  • What Nigerian Banks Should Do Since Banking Isn’t Their Calling

    From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths. 

    Apartment complexes 

    Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good. 

    Selling akara 

    Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.

    RELATED: 10 Places to Make Over 30k Per Day Selling Akara 

    Loan sharks 

    Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money. 

    Fashion houses 

    With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.  

    RELATED: 8 Things We Secretly Wish Nigerian Banks Will Do

    Event venues  

    Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out. 

    Community centres

    We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres? 

    Restaurants 

    Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers. 

    Internet service providers 

    Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out. 

    RELATED: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: “Let Us Explain” 

  • Why Meffy and CBN Decided to Do Make-Up for Your Banknotes

    If you’ve been living under a rock because Buhari has shown you pepper, it’s time to come outside o.

    On October 26, 2022, the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), through its governor, Godwin “Meffy” Emefiele — the crusader who just loves conducting experiments with our money — announced that it would redesign our big boy banknotes: ₦‎200, ₦500 and ₦1000.

    We know you don’t take money matters lightly so we’d love to help you understand why this is happening.

    Who sent Meffy work to redesign?

    When Meffy calls for a special press briefing, you should know something’s cooking.  No one saw it coming when he announced at the October 26 briefing that Buhari had given his blessing for the CBN to put some make-up on our most elite banknotes. He said he’s observed all the terrible things done to the naira notes and  it was time to restore order. The CBN just wants to put the…

    As the senior man of the Nigerian economy, Meffy gave us a breakdown of the reasons for redesigning the naira. Here they are:

    It’s long overdue

    According to Meffy, the global best practice is for the CBN to redesign banknotes every five to eight years. But Nigeria hasn’t redesigned banknotes in 20 years and Meffy needs to show Buhari he’s working.

    Nigerians are hoarding too much cash

    Meffy said Nigerians are hoarding over 85% of naira banknotes in circulation outside the banking system. Nigerians are hoarding his notes and he wants them back. 

    To be honest, we can’t say we blame people who aren’t leaving their money in banks knowing the numerous bank charges they pay and the regular disappearing acts of the money in their accounts.

    Banknotes need a bath

    Lowkey, it’s been a while since we saw fresh naira notes and Meffy doesn’t like that. Omo, we can’t complain and maybe clean banknotes will allow the naira to gbera against the dollar.

    Producing fake banknotes is too easy

    Meffy also doesn’t like how technology and advancement in printing has made it easy for fraudsters to produce fake naira banknotes. So… he wants to throw them a fresh challenge? 

    eNaira needs a boost

    Despite the CBN championing eNaira as the best thing since agege bread, it simply hasn’t lived up to the hype. Nobody wants to be holding a failing currency when there are other sexier options in the market — who wants semo when there’s pounded yam

    Meffy thinks the redesign will give the eNaira a helping hand and boost Nigeria’s drive for a cashless economy.

    Meffy wants to choke kidnappers

    Times are about to get very hard for kidnappers if Meffy’s plan works. Apparently, the news of Nigerians paying millions in ransom has reached his ears and he wants to put an end to it. Meffy’s plan is to mop up the cash outside the banking system and dry up ransom payments for kidnappers.

    What else should you know?

    The new banknotes will launch on December 15, 2022 and coexist with the old ones until January 31, 2023. If you’re still holding the old banknotes by February 1, 2023, Meffy says you’re on your own.

    The good news is the CBN has ordered banks to open their currency processing centers to accommodate cash deposits. You now have enough time to dig up those naira notes buried in your backyard. And the sweet part is Meffy has ordered banks not to charge you for cash deposits to ensure a smooth transition.

    It’s time to say goodbye to your beloved old banknotes and prepare to say hello to new ones. Meffy just needs to tell us where to show up for the welcome party.

    ALSO READ: The Naira Is Fighting for Its Life. Who Can Save It?

  • Smarter Places to Hide Your Goat Meat This Easter

    Goats are to Easter what chickens are to Christmas. And just like at Christmas, we expect the crime rates in the kitchen to skyrocket during this time. For newbies in this game and oldies who want to outsmart the goat meat thieves this year, we’ve decided to suggest five efficient ways to keep your goat meat safe for Easter celebrations.

    Kolo

    places to hide goat meat this easter, kolo

    Traditionally made for saving cash, this can come in handy when you realise you have to take desperate measures to protect your goat meat from friends and family. 

    Safety deposit boxes

    places to hide goat meat this easter

    You have to understand that these guys aren’t relenting in their efforts to part you from your ogunfe. The kolo can be easily destroyed, but a safety deposit box with secret combination codes can make that much harder to do. Like the Saviour on Easter Sunday, Ji, ma sun.

    Bank vaults

    places to hide goat meat this easter

    If you’re like me and your deep-fried goat meat is very precious to you, then you’ll agree with me that there’s no place too extreme to hide them. You can take your trays of fried meat to a bank and drop them as precious deposits. I’m sure they’d understand.

    A Lagos apartment

    places to hide goat meat this easter, a lagos apartment

    To be honest, if our politicians can rent an entire apartment to hide stacks of stolen public funds, then why can’t you do the same for goat meat? Let’s face it — is there really any amount too much to spend on keeping your goat meat from the itchy fingers of the crooks in your house?

    Newspaper

    Just hide them between pages of newspapers. Nobody reads them anymore anyway.

    places to hide goat meat this easter

    Read Next: The Meaning of Easter and How it Affects My Faith

  • A Week In The Life: Five Days In The Shoes Of A Resilient Cleaner

    A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is a 21-year-old cleaner. She tells us about the tedium associated with her job, her plans to attend the university, and why she’s not ashamed to post about her job on social media.

    cleaner

    MONDAY:

    It’s 4:50 a.m., and I’m just getting ready to leave my house — official resumption time is 6:00 a.m., but because I live on the mainland and work on the island, it’s normal for me to leave home by this time. I can’t afford to be late for this job because it could be worse and I could be unemployed. 

     In this Lagos, we’re all hustling one way or the other. I work at the bank, a privately owned business, so I have to show up early to finish cleaning before customers start to troop in at 8:00 a.m. In this line of work, you have to find ways to balance the early hour commute and your faith.  So the first thing I do when I get to work around quarter to five a.m. is to pray my Fajr prayers. I think Muslims who live on the mainland and work on the Island learn how to navigate this balance. 

     Once I’m done with my prayers, I start my work for the day. My office is a five-storey building, and each cleaner is responsible for a floor — this means you have to sweep, mop, wash the toilets, clean the glasses, tidy up the offices and ensure that you’re on top of the cleanliness of that entire floor. Whatever tasks you have to do, you must be done by 8:00 a.m. before the first set of bank customers arrive.  

    Over the course of the day, I monitor the surroundings and tidy up any litter customers may have discarded. I re-arrange stray deposit and withdrawal slips. I empty the bins of discarded bank receipts, and I monitor the toilets and ensure that they’re still clean. Additionally, I’m on standby in case of any work that comes up. 

    These are the tasks that I have to repeat several times in a day, at least, until when I get off at 6 p.m., after which I start my journey back to the mainland. If I’m lucky and there’s no traffic, which is rare, I’ll be home by 7:30 p.m.  Otherwise, I’ll get in as late as past 10:00 p.m. Even though it’s late, I feel safer at night than in the morning because I get to see other people on the street. I guess what they say is true: Lagos is the city that never sleeps or more like the city that sleeps very late. 

    TUESDAY:

    I’m lucky enough to have a job I can wake up to resume every day, which is helpful because Nigeria is a mess. I’ve been unemployed before, and I know how difficult it can be to stay home without doing anything.  

    The day started off scary: I had to trek to my bus stop alone.  Because I leave my house early, and my bus stop is quite a distance from home, I have someone who volunteers to walk me halfway until it’s safe enough to go alone. My area is full of bad boys who can just seize your phone. I’m usually scared because I don’t have power for wahala. The alternative would be to take okada to the bus stop but the early morning price will finish the little money I’m managing, so it’s better I just trek. 

    As I was going to the bus stop alone today I just kept praying for God’s protection. The road was empty and quiet so I held my breath and prayed inside my head. I didn’t breathe until I saw one more person on the road with me. I’ve never been happier to see a stranger in my life. At least if something happened to me, someone would be able to help or call for help. 

    Work was pretty much the same: clean, mop and tidy surroundings. After I was done with morning tasks, things slowed down considerably. At some point I even found myself comparing my 9-5 with my side job of cleaning people’s houses over the weekend. For that one, I’ll wash plenty plates. Then I’ll sweep and mop everywhere in the house. I’ll also wash the bathroom and toilet and ensure I scrub the walls, the water closet and the surroundings. Then I’ll face the room and arrange the wardrobe and fold clothes. If there are dirty clothes I’ll wash and spread them when I’m done. I always make sure that by the time I’m leaving that house, I’ve spent over 5 straight hours transforming it into a paradise. 

    If I had my way, I’d clean only new apartments for people who want to move in because cleaning houses is way more tedious than my 9-5. At the end of the day, I also realise that I should be grateful. The country is hard and the extra ₦1500 — ₦2500 I get paid every Saturday for cleaning houses is better than nothing. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    I’m at home by 7:30 p.m. today. In addition to the fact that I had a crazy long day of Lagos traffic, something interesting happened at work. While running an errand for a bank staff at the supermarket, I got into a small change wahala. The supermarket attendant told me she didn’t have change and was grumbling about the big money I gave to her. In a bid to help her, and because I wore my cleaners uniform to the store, her colleague tried to call my attention by saying, “Hey Cleanway” — which is my company’s name. 

    I felt weird. 

    I was wondering if that’s my name and why she didn’t say “hey young lady” or “hey sister.” Why did she have to call me like that?  But again, I shouldn’t have been too surprised because I’ve gotten used to people looking down on cleaners. You’d greet people and they’ll not respond. Supermarket attendants also won’t attend to you properly. I’ve mostly trained myself not to be bothered by these things because I understand the society we live in can be somehow. 

    I also console myself with the fact that I won’t do this job forever. It’s only a stepping stone until I get to the next level for me. I’ve made a promise that when I leave this job, I won’t treat people anyhow or make them feel bad for doing menial jobs. As long as it’s an exchange of service, everyone deserves respect, whether they’re wearing fine cloth or not. The same respect you’ll give someone driving a car should also be extended to people doing manual labour.

    THURSDAY:

    I know many people who ask me how I’m surviving on a cleaner’s salary. The truth is that I’m surviving. Last year, I was working as a nursery school teacher earning ₦10,000 per month. Out of the money, ₦9500 would hit my account because the school would remove some silly charges. With this job, I’m earning at least three times that which is an upgrade. 

    I remember staying at home for three months during the pandemic and not getting paid because in private schools, no work, no pay. As a teacher, my salary barely paid my bills but now I can take care of my needs, save some money and even send some money to my siblings. 

    This job has also changed my perspective. Working in the office environment and seeing young bank staff who are well to do and struggling for their future motivates me to do more. I’m currently waiting for admission to study computer engineering at the university. I don’t know where the money for school will come but I will rough it. I also don’t know where job after graduation will come, but I will still attend university. If I don’t get a job, I’ll be self-employed. Inshallah. 

    As I was telling my colleague today, this job is tough. Some people complain that we don’t go on leave and that we get only weekends and public holidays off. But to me, because I’ve worked other jobs where I got only Sunday off, and even worked on public holidays, this job is the best for me — it pays my bills and keeps me motivated. I can’t in good conscience complain too much. 

    FRIDAY:

    I don’t know how it was for previous generations, but peer pressure in my generation is crazy. This is one of the reasons why I post my pictures on social media wearing my cleaner uniform. I hope it motivates someone to understand that they’re doing fine at the stage of life they are. As long as they’re trying their absolute best. I appreciate being honest about who you are and what stage you are at in life. 

    Today, my colleague was shocked when she saw me posting photos of myself in uniform on social media. At first, I thought it was because of the company’s policy, but it turned out to be because of the nature of the job. According to her, menial jobs and social media don’t go together. I just told her that people would either like or hate my picture and they’ll be fine. 

    My motto is to be grateful in whatever situation you find yourself in. God sees everything and one day, you’ll get to live the life you truly want. 

    I take comfort in the fact that my future is bright. I’m going to be useful not only to myself but to society at large. There are a lot of people who need hope, who need someone to reassure them, who need charity and I want to be that person. I want to put a smile on people’s faces. I also want to expand this cleaning service to become a cleaning company while combining it with a fruitful career as a computer engineer. Most importantly, I want my story to be the reason why people in my generation aren’t afraid to express the fullness of their humanity. 

    Until that time, I’m going to put my head down and do the work. Tomorrow, the hustle continues. 


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

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  • QUIZ: Can We Guess Which Nigerian Bank You Use?

    GTB, Access Bank or UBA? Don’t ask us how, but we are going to try to guess which bank you use based on your personality.

    Go ahead:

  • 6 Things You Can Say In A Nigerian Bank And At A Naira Marley Concert

    No morals were harmed in the making of this post. With that out the way, Kids, do not try this at home. Or in a bank for that matter.

    1) Opotoyi?

    When you finally request for your statement of account and see the cost of SMS charges per month.

    2) Control the crowd. Control the crowd.

    When one too many people are claiming “I am at your back.” You have to control them and maintain peace.

    3) Oteselebo.

    This is for when you deposit money into the wrong account and the person doesn’t want to refund it. It’s a warning that you are willing to go spiritual.

    4) Mafo.

    How you calm yourself after Customer care says that ATM dispense error reversals take 14 working days to effect.

    5) Inside life.

    When your bank refunds your failed foreign transaction in Naira. But they used a lower exchange rate than you bought at for the refund.

    6) Gbese Gbese.

    When you enter the bank just as the security man is about to stop people from entering for the day.

  • QUIZ: Which Nigerian Bank Are You?

    Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty.

    So, go ahead:

  • What You Need To Know Before Ghosting Your Nigerian Bank Today

    When is it time to break up with your Nigerian bank?

    When you think of how you want to spend a typical day, switching to another not so annoying bank is not top of the list. It’s stressful and can be tiring. However, banks are important to your survival and getting it right is important for your wellbeing.

    So, what are the signs that you need to break up with your financial provider?

    Fees.

    Card maintenance fees, outrageous SMS alerts shouldn’t be working to empty your bank account. If the interest rates are low and bank charges are high, then you know it’s time to leave them on read.

    You want higher savings account returns.

    If you are earning close to zero interest rates on your savings account, this is a sign to consider other alternatives. However, once you see an institution offering better returns, you should move.

    Modern features.

    Internet banking, USSD, E-statement of accounts are more than enough reasons to jump ship. Once there is a better alternative to what you are currently offered, kindly leave for better.

    Putting all the money in one place.

    Maybe you are like me and you have 7 accounts, it makes sense to close some of them and consolidate them in two or three places. You need two or three accounts because Nigerian banks can move mad at any time.

    You want a bank you can be proud of.

    At the end of the day, you want a bank that will not disappoint you in the dead of night and is also dependable. Good luck with that.

  • 4 Times USSD Saved People From  Embarrassment

    No one can deny that the introduction of USSD tech into the banking system has made things easier. To prove that, we asked four people to tell us about the times their bank’s USSD feature got them out of sticky situations.

    “That one time I went on a date with a girl (with just cash) to an expensive restaurant and she ordered more than I anticipated so the bill ended up being more than the cash I had on me.

    – Kunle

    When my date asked why I was suddenly sweating buckets, I lied that the AC wasn’t cold enough. At one point, I took the waiter to the side and asked if the restaurant had an account I could transfer money to. They did.

    And that was how I avoided having to wash plate to pay my debt.

    That one time I took a cab from V.I to Isolo and mistakenly clicked on “cash” instead of “card” forgetting that I, in fact, had no cash. “

    – Joe

    “The driver thought I had planned to ride and run away when I tried to explain my problem to him and became agitated. But I was able to calm him down enough to consider my request to transfer the money to his account. He was glad when he saw how fast he received the money.”

    “My DStv subscription ran out in the middle of the world cup finals viewing party I was throwing.”

    – Obinna

    “Do you know what happens when you turn off the TV showing soccer in a room full of 40 passionate soccer fans? A riot, that’s what. And it was on a Sunday too, so if not for my bank’s USSD feature, I’m pretty sure they would have wrecked my house.”

    “I ran out of data during a Skype video call with potential employers.”

    – Juliet

    “I had jumped through so many hoops to get this job interview. Things were going smoothly. I was even cracking jokes with them and they were responding positively. I was about to drop a punchline when everything just went dark. I was already freaking out and crying when I remembered I could purchase the data with the USSD feature. As I bought data from my bank, I was chanting, ‘Hay God! Hay God!’

    “Luckily, they were understanding because I came back online quickly.”

    USSD banking was created so that banking transactions would no longer be stressful or dependent on time and location. This is what First City Monument Bank(FCMB) wanted for its customers when it launched its own USSD service. All any account holder with FCMB needs to do is dial *329#to register (on any phone type) and they’re all set to bank on the go!

  • So recently, Wema bank released an ad for their digital bank called ALAT.

    All was well and good until Leta Sobierajski, an American graphic designer, showed up and tweeted this.

    She’s accusing Wema of copying the concept of one of her shoots. Here is her shoot side by side with Wema’s ALAT ad. The First:

    The second:

    Do they look similar to you?

    After Leta pointed out the similarities, people on the internet saw it too and began to drag Wema bank for stealing another person’s intellectual property. There was this person that saw the whole thing coming.

    This person that had only two words to say.

    This person that also said the above two words but in a stylish way.

    This person that just seemed happy about the whole thing.

    This person that predicted the graphic designer’s future

    This person that lowkey came to sell her market.

    Creative people like us. LOL

    This person that is ready with a list of lawyers.

    Calm down na.

    This person that has vexed.

    This person that somehow tried to defend Wema……

    ……..and this person that was not in the mood to hear any kind of defense.

    Chai. This whole thing looks bad sha oh.

    More Zikoko!

    7 Things You’ll Relate To If You’re A Terrible Person Deep Down
  • 1. When you want to just open an account and they bring one million forms to fill.

    2. When it’s taking a million years for them to sort out your BVN number.

    3. When it takes an additional one million years to get your debit card.

    4. When your debit alerts are quick to appear and credit alerts are slow to enter.

    5. When the bank starts telling you stories about their nonsense bank charges.

    6. When you conduct a foreign transaction and your bank exchange rate wants to kill you.

    7. When your bank starts doing concert and food festival as if that’s their work.

    8. When the bank app is just a waste of space because it doesn’t work.

    9. When ordinary cheque clearance takes over 3 days.

    10. When you want to close your account and they now start disturbing you with offers to do better.

  • How A Bank Cashier Was Trying To Toast Me

    So one onigbese finally returned my money after all these days and I went to the bank to deposit it.

    Yassss! Pay day!!!

    But we know Nigerian banks are stressful, with their halls that are always looking like this…

    ‘No money’ ‘no money’, but you people will not stay in your house abi?

    I just jejely joined a queue as long as River Niger.

    I’m not liking this wahala at all o!

    After forever, it was finally my turn.

    Praise the Lord!

    That’s how one man just came from no where thinking he can chance me.

    Who is this unku please? Because you carry big money? Abeg join queue jare!

    The male cashier started answering him and just ignored me!

    Diaris God o!

    How the cashier looked at me when I gave him my 3k deposit…

    ‘What’s all this nonsense?’

    But money is money in this economy, so me sef I was like…

    Ehen? Kiloshele?!

    After giving me ela earlier, he now wanted to start forming conversation with me.

    After wasting my whole day? Oga just calculate my money lemme gerrarahia.

    How I smiled at him when I saw that he was a fine guy sha…

    See fresh fish!

    When I realized he wrote his phone number on my receipt…

    Ahn ahn, brother, because of ordinary smile?

    And I even saw a ring on that finger.

    Don’t kobalize me please.

    I just threw his number away and went to my house.

    Lemme go and sleep.
  • Every Emotion You Feel When The ATM Swallows Your Card

    1. You, going to the ATM to withdraw your last 1k.

    God help me.

    2. You, calculating how you’ll use the money to survive till salary enters.

    Garri, garri, and garri.

    3. When you reach the queue and ask the necessary question:

    “Amatyour back, please.”

    4. When you try to use faith to withdraw N1,500 instead and you see “insufficient funds”.

    Hay God!

    5. You respect yourself and just jejely choose the 1k that brought you there.

    Let me not shame my ancestors.

    6. When you’re waiting to hear the “krrrrrr” sound and the ATM resets.

    Chineke!

    7. You, begging the ATM to respect itself:

    Just don’t.

    8. When the ATM that just swallowed your card is still asking you to “insert card”.

    See me see trouble.

    9. How the people behind you on the queue look at you:

    E pele oh!

    10. When the branch has closed and you remember it’s Friday.

    Who did I offend?

    11. When you call customer care and they start asking you if you are sure.

    See question sha.

    12. When you go back to retrieve your card and they tell you it takes 7 working days.

    That what happened?

    13. When you hear you’ll have to pay to get a new card.

    Is it that 1k I want to use to drink garri?
  • 15 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Used An ATM In Nigeria

    1. When the ATM in front of a bank doesn’t have money in it.

    Are you people serious at all?

    2. When the ATM swallows your card on a weekend.

    I’m dead.

    3. Nigerians and “Are you the last pulzon on the queue? Amatyourback.”

    Leave me, biko.

    4. When someone tries to jump the queue.

    Better respect yourself.

    5. You, when you want to check your account balance.

    Mind your business, please.

    6. When you don’t withdraw because you’re broke and someone asks “is it dispensing?”

    Uhm! Actually…The thing is…

    7. When it doesn’t bring out your money but you get a debit alert.

    Jehovah!

    8. When someone asks you to help them use the ATM.

    See this one.

    9. When the person using the ATM is reading it as if it’s a novel.

    Do and get out, abeg.

    10. Whenever you see “Issuer or Switch Inoperative”

    What does this even mean?

    11. When someone goes to the ATM that doesn’t have a line in front of it instead of going to the one with a queue.

    All of us that are not using it are mad, abi?

    12. When the ATM asks if you want a receipt then says it doesn’t have paper.

    Nonsense.

    13. When the ATM just swallowed someone’s card and they tell you to try your own.

    No, thanks.

    14. You, when the ATM makes that ‘Krrrrrrrr’ sound.

    YES LORD!

    15. How you feel every time your bank takes that N65:

    It’s God that will judge you.
  • 17 Things Only People Who Have Been To A Nigerian Bank Will Immediately Understand

    1. When the ATM in front of the bank is not working.

    Are you people joking?

    2. When you press the button for the door before the person on the other side.

    I WIN!

    3. When you’ve already dropped everything but the door still won’t let you pass.

    I should off pant, abi what?

    4. When you go to the bank in the middle of the day and the place is still full.

    Don’t you people have jobs to be at?

    5. When you lend someone your pen and the person disappears with it.

    Na me mess up.

    6. When you forget to bring your own pen and everyone you ask is using you to catch trips.

    Hay God! See my life.

    7. When a customer starts causing a scene in the bank.

    Well, it’s all free entertainment while I wait.

    8. When someone tries to jump everyone on the queue in the name of “in a hurry.”

    Sorry oh Dangote, we don’t have where we are going too.

    9. “Please, are you last pulzon on the queue? Amatyour back please.”

    Every. Single. Time.

    10. When one random person appears and says they are meant to be at your front.

    Please, gerrarahia.

    11. When the cashier tells you “network is down” and then carries face.

    I’m confused.

    12. When you want to open an account and they tell you to bring NEPA bill, a pint of blood, and your first born son.

    Is that all?

    13. When the customer service staff starts acting like you are owing them money.

    Ah! Am I disturbing you?

    14. When you want to change a small detail in your account and they tell you to write a letter to the manager.

    Is it his account?

    15. When your plan was to stay for a few minutes, but the whole day has already gone.

    How am I still here?

    16. When you go to withdraw and they pack N20 notes for you.

    Please, am I a conductor?

    17. When they try to get you to sign up for one of their ‘trend of the week’ services.

    I don’t blame you. It’s because I still have account with you people.
  • 15 Tweets About The Naira That Are Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Out Loud
    In light of the new Forex restrictions and the depressing state of our currency, it’s only expected that we do the most Nigerian thing we can: at least try to find some humor in it. So here are 15 tweets about the Naira that are guaranteed to make you laugh.

    1. The tweet about one head being better than two.

    2. The tweet about collecting change.

    https://twitter.com/UcheIsClown/status/667977017485324289

    3. The tweet about online shopping.

    4. The tweet about bargaining.

    https://twitter.com/Femi_17/status/658746810438172672

    5. The tweet about blood money.

    https://twitter.com/Lhanraay/status/666014688321359873

    6. The tweet about the exchange rate.

    https://twitter.com/SageSeid/status/626874874749919232

    7. The tweet about waste.

    https://twitter.com/Pope_khofe/status/657622384527196160

    8. The tweet about finding money.

    9. The tweet about credit alert.

    https://twitter.com/e_aboje/status/645953086314426368

    10. The tweet about a foreign currency hedge.

    https://twitter.com/dodoshyne/status/534685924970725377

    11. The tweet about spraying money.

    12. The tweet about calculating.

    13. The tweet about studying abroad.

    14. The tweet about picking money off the floor.

    15. The tweet about home and away jersey.

    https://twitter.com/LukeJr_/status/658026057593933824
  • 9 Steps that Led to Your Current BVN Drama
    The BVN registration deadline has passed. As usual, Nigerians have ended up with tales of woe from all angles “It’s not our fault, it’s the situation in the country.” Let’s tell you how you got to this position…

    1. You first heard about BVN…

    Everyday, everyday, register for something.

    2. When you knew you were broke and wondered what the point of BVN was.

    Please what other transaction can I do from here? What kind of life is this please?

    3. When that teller asked you “Have you done your BVN?”

    But if you mind your business, will you die?

    4. Then you went to the bank to beat the first deadline…

    As per LastMinute dotcom.  Wait, is the whole of Nigeria here? I can’t deal abeg.

    5. Before they postponed it.

    Of course they did… as per Naija!

    6. So you went back to ignoring your bank.

    *Marked as spam*

    7. Until the guy who owed you money came to pay you back.

    Praise Da Living Jesus!

    8. And you had to rush to do your BVN.

    I’m next on the queue please! My friend, answer me now!

    9. But somehow, your account still got deactivated.

    Chei! I have no luck. But don’t worry, you’ll enter another queue, sort yourself out and be alright.