It’s almost Christmas, and we know exactly who you’ll be wearing matching pyjamas with.
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QUIZ: Where Will Go On Baecation?
Take this quiz to find out where your next baecation spot should be:
Relationships can be hard, and sometimes you just need someone to give you a bit of advice. Ask Ozzy is our new advice column where you send Zikoko the relationship questions that have been bugging you, and Ozzy Etomi gives you the best relationship advice. The column is part of our brand new category, Ships, that tackles all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones. If you’d like to send in your questions, click here.
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11 Places To Find Tech Bae In Lagos
If like me you’ve been thinking of a way out of penury, I welcome you. Here’s a list of places to find our helpers (tech baes) so that we can flourish and finally chop life.
1) Any coffee shop
Your nearest coffee shop is filled with so many lowkey rich tech people looking for wonderful ambience and uninterrupted power supply. Use this information wisely.
2) Shops where they sell turtle necks
You know the vibes for this one.
3) Lexus car dealerships
The official car of made people in tech. If they drive Lexus ES 350 or IS 350, hold on to them for dear life.
4) Any shop that sells Apple devices
Pro-tip: The richer they are, the more Apple devices they own.
5) Or plant shop
Plant that’s not for cooking is a sign of wealth in Nigeria, and these people are stupidly rich.
6) Any event that has the keyword “disruption” in it
Don’t dull.
7) Or “Fintech” as the theme
The next best thing since sliced bread.
8) Or Crypto and Bitcoin as subthemes
The last line of defense against Emefiele et al. After Bezos, tech people swear by these terms.
9) Any Paystack or Flutterwave event
Because anyone can be a golden boy.
10) Twitter
Open your Twitter and tweet “Tech bros don’t have their baths.” If your mentions aren’t swarming with them, come and fight us in our office.
11) Your nearest “coke” dealer
I’m not there oh.
Subscribe to the TechCabal daily so you know the most happening Tech bae in town.
Here you go: http://bit.ly/TechCabalEmail
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10 Tweets About Relationships That Will Make You LOL!
1. This one about yeye boyfriends.
2. This important question.
3. Nigerian women, after tweeting ‘Men are scum’ all day.
4. This advice on relationship fights.
5. When you’re trying to frustrate your boyfriend’s life but he doesn’t fall for it.
6. When your boyfriend says “Come Here”.
7. When your girlfriend jams your side chick in public.
8. When a short man starts toasting you.
9. When you and bae are both dead inside.
10. This one about Yoruba relationships.
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8 Milestones You Have To Reach With Bae
1. The first time you both slay at an Owambe together
2. The first fight when your blood is just hot
3. Your first romantic okada ride together
4. The first time you spend the night at bae’s house and you start thinking of how to code your snoring
5. The first time you cook for bae and he wants to eat the plate join
6. The first time you meet each other’s parents
7. The first time you meet each other’s friends
8. When bae understands that Ghana weaving is work and he helps you take your braids out for the first time
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Ladies If Your Guy Does All These, Just Put A Ring On It
1. If he sends you pizza and shawarma at work
2. If he doesn’t flinch when you fart
3. If he really listens and responds to all your senseless rantings
4. If he knows how to cook jollof
5. If he takes you to mama on a regular
6. And does he like your face with or without makeup?
7. And does he genuinely care and support your career goals?
8. If he is truly the one guy who doesn’t lie
9. He also doesn’t see any qualms in buying you sanitary towels and other girl stuff
10. And if he’s not stingy at all!
11. Plus he also tries to treat others nicely
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10 Signs Your Bae’s Head Is Not Correct At All
1. If they shout at you like this, the whole world will hear.
2. When you mistakenly say ‘hello’ to people of the opposite sex, they’re like:
3. They will now say you should forget all your friends and be alone!
4. How they treat you in front of their friends.
5. You, when they now want to make the mistake of hitting you:
6. Them, anytime you want to talk about your feelings.
7. You, waiting for them to reply your messages.
8. You, when you have small fight and they start using all your secrets against you.
9. They are the president of Naggers Association of Nigeria.
10. How they now start begging you after they’ve given you wahala.
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10 Reasons Why You Should Dump Bae Right Now
1. If he cannot wake up to fan you, dump his ass.
2. If you’re talking and he starts talking too, leave him.
3. If he cannot cook jollof, what are you still doing with him?
4. If he cannot cook for you after a long day at work, what are you still doing with him?
5. If he has more than one girl in his squad, my friend, dump him.
6. If he has a car but cannot come and pick you at work, you’re wasting your time.
7. If he still calls his ex, you know what to do.
8. If he chases you about with phone, please free yourself.
9. If he doesn’t have a beard, tell us why you’re still with him.
10. If he doesn’t pick your call at the first ring, let that uncle go.
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What Would You Do If You Find Out About Your Bae’s Wedding On Bellanaija?
Imagine you have a fiance you really love and you guys have been engaged for about 3 years (as per Lord of The Rings).
You did everything for him, even paid for his M.Sc degree with your hard earned cash, it was all love.
But on one unfortunate Saturday, you see his pictures on Bellanaija, slaying during his traditional marriage to another girl.
We’re not telling stories o! That was exactly what Twitter user, Miriam Shehu, claimed to have experienced in the hands of a certain Taiwo.
Hay God! She has been raining curses on him via her Twitter page.
But trust Twitter people to find banter in everything.
Maybe it was his twin, Kehinde’s traditional marriage.
Association of Yoruba boys are not happy with Taiwo.
Perhaps women should stop dashing these 419 men money.
Three years engagement is a scam o!
Because M.Sc is not marriage certificate.
It’s not a joking matter o!
People dating Yahoo boys shouldn’t chook mouth in the matter.
Although people on Twitter have decided her story is untrue, we’re sure many men and women have once been scammed by a Taiwo.
What would you do if you found out your bae is a Taiwo? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
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John Boyega Is Boyfriend Goals And Here’s Why
John  Boyega is absolutely bae, no arguments about that! After slaying his role as Ugwu in Chimamandaâs Half Of A Yellow Sun and Finn in the latest Star Wars movie, we couldnât be more in love with him.And guess what? He shared this tweet about visiting Nigeria soon.
And this was our reaction….
Because John is boyfriend goals abeg.
He understands the importance of eating Jollof with plantain.
And he knows how to fry plantain.
Who doesn’t like a boyfriend that loves God and goes to church please?
He’s even prayerful and respectful.
He works out (and is buff!)
And he knows why we’re angry about Lah-gos in Captain America.
And he recognises the greatness of pounded yam.
He even named his cat “OluwaLogan”.
His dance moves are fire.
Awww he even knows how to pose.
On top of all this, he’s really proud of his Nigerian heritage.
John please come quickly and visit us, we promise to receive you with open arms.
Baest of baes. @johnboyega please follow @zikokomag, read and enjoy yourself. Weâre waiting!
â Zikoko (@zikokomag) May 13, 2016
