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You’re an Arsenal fan, and you want to argue about football? Are you not embarrassed?
Ignore the facts
You’re here to win, not to raise a superior argument. Let your opponents focus on facts while you hatch your main plan.
Always take the opposing opinion
What’s your main plan, you ask? Divide and conquer. No matter how obvious the correct stance is, always be on the opposite side. If they’re arguing whether Nigeria can beat Brazil, support Nigeria. If they’re arguing about who will win the next Champions League, shout “Chelsea” or “Arsenal”. Just say any wildly impossible thing to rile them up.
Laugh at the other person’s argument
Mock them for using logic. Yes, they deserve it.
Yell… a lot
It’s not a proper argument if you don’t talk at the top of your voice, even though you’re just a few inches away from kissing them.
Have mouth odour
No one with mouth odour has ever lost an argument. You can quote us anywhere.
Go with a gun
We’re not saying you should threaten them with violence, but strike the fear of God in their hearts.
Show them a picture of Messi with the world cup
If it’s another tired argument about who the GOAT is, show them a picture of Messi holding the world cup.
Annoy them and shout “Siuuu!”
When you’re done, rub the pain in by shouting “Siuu!” and doing the Ronaldo celebration. There you have it; mission accomplished.
Hi there, Arsenal fan. If you think we’re trying to make you nostalgic, you’re right. If you also think we’re trying to make you cry because your club is now in shambles, you’re also right.
Just enjoy this throwback to the times when Arsenal used to be lit.
Arsenal goes 49 league games unbeaten in the 2003/2004 season
Arsenal beats Madrid at the Bernabeu Stadium in 2006
No English club had ever done this.
Arsenal plays against Barcelona in the Champions League final in 2006.
Only God knows when we’ll see this happen again.
They still lost anyway, but that’s not the point.
Bergkamp scores the goal of the season in 1997
Thierry Henry helps Arsenal to a 5 – 1 win against Inter Milan in 2003
Football is more than just a sport; it’s a lifestyle. Knowing this, it’s easy to gauge people’s personalities based on the teams they support. After all, birds that flock together play ludo together, or however that saying goes. Don’t take this list personally because all I have is mouth, I can’t fight.
1. Manchester City
All hail the kings of dorime! You have a lot of money and are not afraid to spend it. As a matter of fact, your motto in life is, “money stops nonsense.” You used to be a broke-ass guy, but you hammered money doing something no one can explain, and now, the whole world will not rest again. You’re also unproblematic and quick to move on from disappointment. Where will we find you? Probably in the club from Thursday to Sunday, using Azul to rinse your hand.
2. Chelsea
You know you’re not that different from Arsenal fans, right? Just like them, you’re afraid of change. You said you’d leave with Mourinho, but look at you today. You also come from old money and a family that didn’t allow you to play football growing up because your skin was too fragile #AjebutterChronicles. You can be annoying sometimes, but your passion for the things you love makes you an okay guy last last.
3. Liverpool
Your head is too big and your ringtone is probably All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled. You like to brag about how successful you are, thinking it makes you look like some kind of rockstar, but the truth is, everyone is tired of your bullshit. Oga, please, rest. On the plus side, you’re not all mouth. If you say you’ll do something, most of the time, you actually do it. Does your plan always work? No. But at least, you’re not afraid to try.
You obviously like stress and failure at this point because, bro, why the hell are you still on this table? Arsenal fans are living on past glory that wasn’t even that glorious to begin with, so you probably like to remind everyone that you used to be a happening guy, even though your rep is now in the gutter. On the plus side, you’re a loyal and patient guy. Even though it always ends up in hot tears, your dedication is lowkey interesting to watch.
5. Manchester United
You’re a reliable OG. Even when you disappoint people, it’s easy for them to ignore it because your track record has always shown you as a stand-up guy. Talking about your successes sometimes comes off as bragging, but you’re also old, and no one wants to offend a 30+ man.
6. Real Madrid
You’re a fake guy. You’ve always had an easy life you didn’t have to work for. Because of this, you’ll always pick the easy way out and avoid stress. If they say bathing in salt will cure Ebola, you’d probably do it to avoid doing real research. We see through you, bro.
7. Barcelona
You used to be a popping guy, but you lost your biggest selling point, and now, you’re humble. You’re the kind of guy that made it really early in life, and just assumed the going would be sweet until your container sunk into the deep sea. Even if your enemies want to feel sorry for you, they can’t, because when the going was good, your mouth was doing cho cho cho up and down. Anyways, pele dear.
8. Tottenham
You’re that guy whose friends don’t include him in their WhatsApp groups. It’s not because they hate you, they just tend to forget that you exist. You’re a sweet guy, but you’re not memorable, and that’s your biggest flaw. Try something new, bro. A daring haircut, maybe? Don’t give up yet.
Have you ever thought about what cities share the most similarities with your favourite football clubs? Well, we have, and now we’ve attempted to draw parallels between some of England’s biggest football clubs and places in Nigeria.
Akure – Tottenham
Small nyash wey dey shake sometimes. They had two minutes of good history and that was it. They’re both modest achievers and have a few notable individuals. Tottenham has a league cup to its name and Akure has… well, Shoprite and an airport.
Calabar – Arsenal
These two have a lot of good old days to remember. Just like Arsenal under Wenger played great football, Calabar used to be a really great place when it had that governor who built that famous mountain resort. Both are now better known for their lack of genuine progress. Calabarians bask in the golden years of Donald Duke just like Arsenal fans never stop bringing up their golden Premier League trophy from nearly 20 years ago.
Ibadan – Liverpool
A lot of history and notable figures with years and years of decay in the middle, and a renaissance engineered by a visionary leader in the persons of Seyi Makinde and Jurgen Klopp, respectively.
Port Harcourt – Chelsea
Loud, proud, notable individuals in recent history, great strides financed by oil money. Chelsea fans and folks from Port Harcourt are some of the proudest people you’ll ever meet.
Lagos – Manchester United
Great history. Many notable individuals. Ever since their iconic leaders (Babatunde Fashola and Sir Alex Ferguson) left them, they’ve been left at the mercy of administrators who haven’t measured up to standard. Meanwhile, fans and inhabitants of the club and city go to bed every night stressed, while trying to convince themselves they’re still as great as they used to be.
Abuja – Manchester City
They don’t have a long history or many notable individuals. In fact they don’t have as many inhabitants and fans as other cities and clubs around. But in terms of recent strides, they’ve become very high achievers thanks to the injection of oil money. Everyone is migrating from their cities and clubs to this city because they’re the shiniest new object in town.
There are only a few things that hurt as much as seeing your team lose an important match. Aside from the pain of losing the game, the banter on Twitter will crush you further. As a lifelong Arsenal fan, I have tasted all forms of football humiliation you can think of, so I’m in a good position to tell you how to cope in these trying times. For your mental health, here is what to do after your team takes a giant L.
1. Delete Twitter
Just log out fam. The streets on Twitter are mean. Even if you unfollow all the sports pages on Twitter, one oloriburuku will retweet something that will hurt your feelings.
2. Avoid all football-related news and websites
For the next few days, avoid Bleacher Reports and Sky Sports news. Goal.com already has a screaming headline about how disgraceful your team’s performance was. Please, save yourself the mental breakdown.
3. Blame the government
We understand that you’re human and you need to let off steam somehow. Channel all the rage you feel after a stinging defeat to going online and challenging your leaders to do better. It will also be a good time to remember #EndSARS.
4. Remember there’s more to life than football
Console yourself about how there’s more to life than football. You’re attractive, you have a partner and you have a job, unlike the people currently shamelessly trolling your club on social media. Even if you don’t have any of these things, focus on nature — see how the sun shines brilliantly on your neighbour’s roof and how the breeze whispers in your ears. Isn’t it amazing?.
5. Remind yourself that your friends are good people
Your friends will surely relish the opportunity to rub it in. When they start bantering you, take a slow, deep breath and tell yourself: “It’s nothing serious. It’s just football. I know Okoro is my friend, and we’ve been friends for a long time and he loves me. It’s just football. It’s just football. He’s just teasing me. He loves me. There are more important things in this life.”
Repeat this till you believe it.
6. Do yoga
Yes o. In order to achieve inner peace, take meditation seriously, especially on the very morning after your team has taken a big L. Arsenal and Manchester United fans may not need this anyway since they’re psychologically adjusted to disappointments every weekend.
Channel all the heartbreak you feel into your work. Use the force of all that negative energy to shatter your KPIs. Footballers are going to get paid so why not just focus on your own work too?
Do all these things for one week and the whole world would have moved on by the time you’re back.
Everything in this article is true. Believe me, I’m an Arsenal fan. I’ve been an Arsenal fan for 17 years. If you’ve heard that Arsenal fans are good partners and you didn’t know why, this article will explain to you.
1. They don’t have standards
In the world of football, Arsenal is synonymous with failure. But they didn’t get there overnight. This process has taken over 15 years. People that are currently Arsenal fans have had over 15 years to stop supporting a club that has brought only pain to them. If you date an Arsenal fan, no matter how terrible you are, they will stay with you. They don’t have standards.
2. They will never leave you
Arsenal fans? Leave you? Never. You can’t offend an Arsenal fan enough for them to find a reason to leave you. They’ll always find excuses.
3. They will forgive you if you cheat
Let an Arsenal fan catch you in bed with another person. They’ll wait for you to finish, help you make dinner and you’ll all have dinner together. You can do this every day of the week.
4. They’ll spend their weekends indoors
This is how an Arsenal fan’s weekends go: They watch the Arsenal game, Arsenal loses, and then they become sad for the rest of the weekend. Go out and cheat? Never.
5. They’re loyal
Ask an Arsenal fan why they still support Arsenal and you’ll hear stuff like, “I just can’t leave”, and “I’m a gunner for life”. That is the type of person you want to date. They will stick around.
6. They’re used to trials and tribulations
If you think you’re a problematic person and nobody will like you because of all your wahala, you’re wrong. Date an Arsenal fan. They’re used to nonsense. They will accept you like that.
Kelechi Anyikude, a Nigerian who is really passionate about his favorite football team, Arsenal FC.
Besides trolling other football teams and being a regular on ArsenalFanTV, Kelechi is also studying for his Ph.D at University of Leeds as an Energy & Environment Researcher.
Not letting his love for Arsenal come between his beloved motherland Nigeria, Kelechi goes to watch his favourite team wearing clothes with an African touch most of the time.
