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Nigerian babes are always right. Period. If you don’t agree with me, take it up with your neighbours.
But if you ever find yourself in an argument with a Nigerian babe, and she says any of these eight things, here’s what she actually means.
“It’s fine”
No, dear. It’s very not fine. TBH, the only reason she’d say this is so no one suspects her when she eventually unalives you.
“Wow”
She’s simply marvelling at just how dumb you are. Think, “Wow. Na God create this one too?”
“I just think it’s funny how…”
Her next words will definitely NOT be funny. She’s really saying, “How could you even think this was okay, you peasant?”
“Hmm. Okay”
She doesn’t want to waste brain time on your sorry ass anymore. Carry your wahala and go.
“I’m not angry”
Spoiler alert, she’s furious.
“Whatever”
It looks like she might be losing the argument, but a babe never admits to failure. “Whatever” means “Na you sabi”.
“Don’t worry about it”
Please, be worried. She said this so you’d think everything is fine then lay down your guard while she reloads. Again, be worried.
“Is that why you’re shouting?”
You’re not actually shouting. She just wants to dead the issue because it occurred to her that she might be wrong. If she says this, just apologise and hug her. Don’t make the mistake of telling her you’ve won the argument because it won’t be pretty for you.
We’re tired of hearing relationships are coming to an end because of ordinary arguments. If one of you didn’t harm or kill someone, then every fight is solvable with these guaranteed tips.
Don’t let us hear you fought or broke up again o.
Break into singing and dancing
Women love singing and dancing. Do you think Bollywood people don’t know what they’re doing? When she’s shouting at the top of her voice about how you slept with her sister, just start singing and dancing. If I hear she doesn’t forgive you straight!
Tickle her
Tell me one person who doesn’t like laughing. One person. No? Exactly. So your Nigerian girlfriend is no different. Laughter is kuku the best medicine.
Bring up her weight
The best time to bring up the fact that your babe has added a few kilograms is right in the middle of an argument. Just say, “No wonder you’re now fat”. It’ll take her mind off the fight, and she’ll appreciate you telling her about her body, which is absolutely your business.
Kiss her mid-shout
Romance is not dead. It never was, and it never will be. The reason you were cheating is because you were spreading love. Spread the love to her too.
Serve your food in front of her
As she’s talking, just walk to the kitchen to serve yourself. If she’s still talking when you’re done, start eating. If she’s still talking when you’ve finished eating, go to bed. By the time you wake up, in this world or the next, the argument should be over.
Compare her to her friends
When she says something you don’t like, say something like, “At least, Stephanie doesn’t treat me like this”. The closer the friend is to her, the more effective this will be. It’ll help her reflect on the decisions she’s made and act better.
Cry
In a world where men are not emotionally vulnerable, emotional vulnerability will help you win loads and loads of arguments. Just try it out, and see the wonders your tears can do. It doesn’t matter that you’re drinking too much and being unavailable. Cry your way out of accepting responsibility.
Honestly, poverty is in the land, and nobody has money — or time — to visit any bloody therapists. Invite the elderly and wise, AKA Mummy Femi, to solve the issue.
Do a fake break-up
Break up with her. She’ll most likely cry and beg, and when you tell her you were joking, there’ll be no more argument. If she accepts the breakup, you dodged a bullet. You can’t lose, really.
Randomly start recording
Whip out your phone, put the camera in her face and record everything she says while screaming, “I have this on record!” She will comport herself.
Tell her she’s overreacting
This is the most effective way to win arguments with your Nigerian girlfriend. Say stuff like, “You’re shouting”, “Calm down”, “It’s not that deep” or “Is it not ordinary period? That’s why you’re behaving like this.”
Nigerian men arguments — If you hang out with Nigerian men for 30 minutes and they don’t argue about football, women or music, check again. You’re probably in Ghana.
In case you don’t know, these Nigerian men arguments are the reasons you have loud male neighbours.
Boobs vs ass
Nigerian men are always ready for the age-old debate about which is “better” between a woman’s breasts and her buttocks. People who have never even been in a school debate instantly become philosophers. If you want to stir up a hornet’s nest, just find a way to whisper, “Boobs are better than ass,” in their midst and watch the chaos unfold.
As a Nigerian man, this is me in these situations:
Messi vs Ronaldo
Sorry to break it to you, but until recently, you’d find me in these arguments. Make no mistakes, I think Messi is the GOAT. But Ronaldo is also an absolutely unbelievable baller, so I’m just happy to be alive and watch both of them play. They’re retiring soon, you know? But Nigerian men don’t know that one o. They can argue — and even fight — for their GOATS.
FIFA vs PES
Let me not lie, if I see someone playing Pro Evolution Soccer in 2022, the year of our Lord, I will physically fight them. And people who play this “game” love it so blindly, they’ll argue until they lose their voices. That’s when you know that everyone is a tech bro because all the engineering and gaming tech jargon that you’ll hear ehn? You’ll start wondering why they didn’t create their own game.
This one is not limited to Nigerian men alone, but if you hear Nigerian men in a Wizkid vs Davido argument, you’ll wonder if there’s a cash prize for the winner. Why?
Your wife vs your mother
If you buy a new car and it’s time to go to church, who sits in front: Your wife or your mother?
Group A: MY MOTHER! SHE TOOK CARE OF ME SINCE I WAS BORN. I JUST MET MY WIFE A FEW YEARS AGO!
Group B: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOUR WIFE IS LITERALLY YOUR WIFE!
Honourable mentions: iPhones vs Androids vs Samsungs
