apartment | Zikoko!

If you know anybody who lives next to a church, please salute them. It is not easy. If you have ever lived next to a church, then you will understand what we mean when we say here are some stressful things you are bound to experience:

1. First of all, say goodbye to your Sunday mornings.

Sunday is naturally supposed to be a day of rest, but if you stay next to a Nigerian church, then you would know they don’t rest. Sunday is their own Monday. So, while you are in bed nursing that hangover or trying to get a decent morning sleep, once it is 7am or 8am, better jump out of that bed or it is the sound of halleluyah and the jingle of a bell that will wake you up.

2. Your Friday nights too? Kiss it goodbye.

Or better still, prepare for vigils with whatever church is next to you. And boy do Nigerian churches like vigils! God help you if it is a Yoruba church or a church that likes to call the word die. You’ll be struggling to sleep, but the loud sound of their clapping will prevent that. And when you finally manage to shut your eyes, guess what will wake you? “DIE BY FIRE!”

3. You must make peace with the loudspeakers.

I hate that this is how it is, but Nigerian churches do not simply care about the welfare of the residents close to them. Or maybe they care, but their loudspeakers say otherwise. Imagine trying to rest on a Sunday morning and they are blasting loud songs from their speakers? Or trying to sleep after a long day and a segment of the church is having a vigil? By the way, why do they use speakers for nighttime programs? Do they not realise it’s midnight and some people are trying to sleep?

4. If they have a possessed drummer, just start crying.

Because the drums will literally kill you. Praise the Lord and the drummer will beat the drums. Let’s pray and the drummer will still touch the drums. Soon enough, headache will set in. Imagine that. Having a headache over a church you did not attend. Wahala for who dey live next to religious citadel oh.

5. IF THEY LIKE REVIVALS, IT IS OVER FOR YOU.

Imagine staying next to a church hosting a 21 days revival. Omo, the best thing to do is to carry your Bible and join them so you can reap the blessing of enduring the noise they are bound to make.

6. Let’s be honest, the praise and worship do usually slap.

And this is one upside of living next to a church. You could be in your house, sad and tired of everything, and the church next door starts a worship song that gets you in your feels. Or you could be cleaning the house when their praise segment comes in and before you know it, you are leg-working for the Lord. Enjoy it while it lasts, sha. It won’t always be like that.

7. Sometimes, the prayers slap too.

And this happens randomly. Next thing you know you are joining them to ban ancestral demons and praying your way into victory. But see ehn, there are days when you just don’t want to hear anything.

8. Expect to hear a lot of off-key singing.

If there is one thing Nigerian church choirs do once in a while, it is off-key singing. You will even be tempted to go and collect the microphone from them. But resist that urge sha. Let them sing their song so you can enjoy what is left of your Sundays.

9. Expect to hear a lot of off-key sermons too.

You will kuku be in your house, trying to endure when the pastor will say something that will leave your jaw hanging. Please and please, just accept it that way. Goodluck to the pastor and the members involved. Stay in your house and cook white rice and stew.

10. Living next to a church can turn your heart back to God.

It can be the ultimate test to know if you will return to the church. If that happens, invite us to your baptism. We sell customised towels you can wear afterwards.

11. And yes, living next to a church can also expose the madness in your head.

Because one day you could snap and go knock on their gate at 2am in the midnight, to tell them to reduce the noise. Believe me, they won’t do shit. I am speaking from experience. Maybe I don’t have enough madness, sha. But if you can actually scare them into reducing their noise, then you are truly crazy in the head and we hail you.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

October 31, 2021

Inside Life

apartment, church in nigeria, living next to a church
House hunting in Nigeria can be a worse horror movie than Karishika. If you’ve ever tried, you’d wonder whether you’re looking for a place to live or a portal to hell. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than finding a decent place to live. When going house hunting, you have to be armed yourself. Here are four things to take along with you when you’re looking for an apartment.

1. Cane

It is obvious that the head of some agents are not working, which is why they have the audacity to take you to places like this

He won’t take you to any rubbish house if you show up with cane like your SS1 mathematics teacher:

2. Rainboot

If the house you’re checking is on the island, do I even need to tell you to take rainboot with you?

3. Psychologist

When you see the houses, you might want to take a psychologist along with you to check whether the landlord’s head is okay.

4. Blood of Jesus

You need to cover yourself with the blood of jess before entering any of the diabolical houses they take you to, before you enter a haunted house.

QUIZ: How Easy Are You To Live With?

[donation]

Olufemi Fadahunsi

March 10, 2021

Inside Life

apartment, house hunting
You’ve done it.

You’ve endured all the horrors of house hunting and you’ve found the perfect apartment. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted. In your mind’s eye, you can already see yourself lazying around the house naked on Sunday afternoons.

Good.

Here are 7 things you need to look out for before you pay the rent, sign that lease or whatever.

1) Check the neighbourhood to see if it floods when it rains.

It’s best to check out your dream house in the rainy season because Nigerians are going to laugh at you and make memes when you’re on the roof of your building, screaming for help because mother nature vexed and decided to re-enact the plot of The Great Flood.

2) Check the house to see if it was built with cheap materials.

Light switches, sockets, door handles, etc. The last thing you want is your ceiling fan pulling a Final Destination by falling out of the ceiling and decapitating you.

Because that would suck for you and whoever has to clean up the mess.

3) Speak to the neighbours to get a sense of what electricity is like in the area.

Because Nigeria.

Lest you walk into the land of eternal darkness, eyes wide open.

4) Find out all you can from the landlord (and neighbours) about the people who lived in the apartment before you.

Just to get what kind of energy they left behind. What were they like? Were they fun and outgoing or did they keep to themselves? Did they frequently throw loud parties that ended in orgies or did they enjoy a quiet night in with some candles, a good book (of spells) and a pentagram drawn with blood? Did they move out of their own accord or were they brutally murdered by an unseen force in the living room? Did they…

5) Find out if there’s an ancient burial ground beneath the building or anywhere around.

Did you see what happened to the families in Poltergeist and Pet Sematary? It’s best to do your research before you end up in your own Stephen King supernatural horror thriller. The only good thing that could come of that is if you survive and get a book/movie deal.

You know what? Forget what I said. Stay. Stay so you can get that book/movie deal.

6) Pour salt on anyone you come across in the area to fish out the ghosts and demons.

I knew my wealth of pop culture knowledge would come in handy one day. That being said, I don’t know if this is just a thing the writers came up with for the show. It can’t hurt to try sha. (It can.)

7) Make sure the neighbours aren’t members of a devil-worshipping cult looking for a suitable host to physically bring the antichrist into the world.

Don’t give me that look. We’ve all seen Rosemary’s Baby. And The Omen. And Devil’s Advocate. And the…

If you need more advice about house hunting and moving out from your parents’ house, we made a video about in the first season of our show, Nigerians Talk, in which the cast shared all they’d learned about the process. Check it out below to learn valuable life lessons to live by.

Astor George

July 29, 2019

Inside Life

apartment, Life, Rental, satire
Independence.

From the moment it dawns on you that people don’t remain their parents’ responsibility forever (more on this later), you begin to crave that life of your own – one where you’re in complete control of your affairs.

You dream of it – and mumble it under your breath when they get you angry. It’s only a matter of time – you’ll get a place of your own and your actual life will finally begin.

Bitch you thought!

The thing is, even if you’re one of those people they have to chase out with prayer and death threats, no-one ever tells you what to expect when you eventually decide to move out.

No-one ever tells you how you’ll pay through your nose for that independence you’ve been crying for.

You see, dreams come true, but no-one ever talks about the price tag.

These are just 5 of those things you should prepare for as you decide to move out.

TOTAL PACKAGE

The first thing that drops on your mind when you’re moving out is the cost of rent.

What you should be concerned about though is a little something called total package – the cost of rent PLUS commission, agreement, legal fees and a sum of other excuses for the landlord to bleed you dry.

By the time all of this comes together, you’re looking at an amount that is almost twice the cost of rent.

Guess where you don’t have to even pay half package? Your father’s house.

BILLS

The first bill I ever got after I moved out was for electricity. As I stared at the 16,000 naira written at the bottom of the sheet, I suddenly remembered that our forebearers lived without electricity and they didn’t die.

Moving out means you are responsible for yourself and you have to pay for all those trivial things you always thought God gave everyone for free, like water.

LONELINESS

I have a theory that Akon recorded that Lonely song after he made small money and finally moved into his first big house.

Living with a family means there’s almost always someone to talk to, even when you think they’re pestering you.

When you move out, except you have a PlayStation 4 Pro and an unlimited supply of small chops, you’ll find that it is each man to his tent and more often than not, you’ll be all by yourself.

Sing it with me one time: “Lonely, I’m Mr Lonely, I have Nobody, ON MY OWWWWNNNN”

SPELLS OF POVERTY

When you move out, one of the biggest things you lose is your safety net. Remember all those times when you would hit a rough patch and you’d run a quick errand to con your parents out of some quick handy cash. Look at that time in the rearview mirror. Once you move out, your financial security is all in your hands. God forbid you have to go back home to beg for money. You’ll probably meet your father at the bus stop with a placard that reads “Told You So”.

Of Course, It’s Up To You To Decide If Moving Out Is Worth All This Stress.

If you need some help, the cast of Nigerians Talk shares their thoughts on Moving Out in the new episode. Watch that here and please, choose wisely. Total package is expensive af.

Segun Akande

December 20, 2018

Inside Life

apartment, Home, moving out, Nigerians Talk, Rent
1. When you first get your place and you realise you won’t need to tell your parents you’re going for a vigil to escape to Sip on Fridays anymore

2. When you first get to the space and realise furniture doesn’t grow on trees, money actually has to flow to furnish

3. This is the way you run to turn off the light when you remember the NEPA bill of last month and you see the toilet light you left on

4. This is the amount of swag you’ll use to tell your female friends you have your own place

5. Living alone is all fun and games until you hear somebody opening your fridge door at 2 in the morning, but you live alone

6. When you turn to a professional at playing hide and seek when your landlord starts disturbing you for next year’s rent, and you start wondering who was chasing you from your father’s house

Boyin Plumptre

March 17, 2017

Oldies

apartment, Independence
1. So you’ve finally pimped your apartment out, AC chilling, speakers on deck, MTV Cribs has nothing on you

2. Any small thing, have you seen Ayo’s BQ? The place make sense die, you too, this is how your shoulders will start looking after:

3. Next thing you know, boys will start coming to whisper in your ear about one girl they want to sharply package in your room, before you know it, boys will start taking number to use your room

4. That’s how you’ll turn to an outsider in your own room oh, you’ll now be sending texts from outside your door like, ‘please hurry up now, my Indomie is already cold’

5. As if that one isn’t bad enough, boys would turn your wardrobe to their new boutique, you’ll now have to start begging for them to borrow you your own clothes

6. Once there’s any turn up, you already know your room is going to be the assembly point, end up looking like this at the end of the night

7. When frustration hits you, you’ll just vex and send everyone out like this:

Boyin Plumptre

March 15, 2017

Oldies

apartment, Hanging out, University

1. First of all, say goodbye to your Sunday mornings.

2. Your Friday nights too? Kiss it goodbye.

3. You must make peace with the loudspeakers.

4. If they have a possessed drummer, just start crying.

5. IF THEY LIKE REVIVALS, IT IS OVER FOR YOU.

6. Let’s be honest, the praise and worship do usually slap.

7. Sometimes, the prayers slap too.

8. Expect to hear a lot of off-key singing.

9. Expect to hear a lot of off-key sermons too.

10. Living next to a church can turn your heart back to God.

11. And yes, living next to a church can also expose the madness in your head.

1. Cane

2. Rainboot

3. Psychologist

4. Blood of Jesus

Independence.

Bitch you thought!

TOTAL PACKAGE

BILLS

LONELINESS

SPELLS OF POVERTY

Of Course, It’s Up To You To Decide If Moving Out Is Worth All This Stress.

1. When you first get your place and you realise you won’t need to tell your parents you’re going for a vigil to escape to Sip on Fridays anymore

2. When you first get to the space and realise furniture doesn’t grow on trees, money actually has to flow to furnish

3. This is the way you run to turn off the light when you remember the NEPA bill of last month and you see the toilet light you left on

4. This is the amount of swag you’ll use to tell your female friends you have your own place

5. Living alone is all fun and games until you hear somebody opening your fridge door at 2 in the morning, but you live alone

6. When you turn to a professional at playing hide and seek when your landlord starts disturbing you for next year’s rent, and you start wondering who was chasing you from your father’s house

1. So you’ve finally pimped your apartment out, AC chilling, speakers on deck, MTV Cribs has nothing on you

2. Any small thing, have you seen Ayo’s BQ? The place make sense die, you too, this is how your shoulders will start looking after:

3. Next thing you know, boys will start coming to whisper in your ear about one girl they want to sharply package in your room, before you know it, boys will start taking number to use your room

4. That’s how you’ll turn to an outsider in your own room oh, you’ll now be sending texts from outside your door like, ‘please hurry up now, my Indomie is already cold’

5. As if that one isn’t bad enough, boys would turn your wardrobe to their new boutique, you’ll now have to start begging for them to borrow you your own clothes

6. Once there’s any turn up, you already know your room is going to be the assembly point, end up looking like this at the end of the night

7. When frustration hits you, you’ll just vex and send everyone out like this: