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When you’re caught pants down doing something you probably shouldn’t be doing, the honourable thing to do is be humble and show remorse.
But for people in the Nigerian public service, animals have become the ultimate scapegoats for all manner of fraud.
Animals want to have fun too?
In 2018, an audit found that ₦36 million had magically cat-walked out of the accounts of a Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB) office in Benue State. When the EFCC identified the main suspect, she blamed a mysterious snake who conspired with her housemaid for the theft.
Shortly after, a former senator, Shehu Sani, speculated that monkeys raided the home of another senator and stole ₦70 million. It was more of a joke, but the public ran with it and it joined the collection of bizarre animal events in Nigeria.
And, of course, it’s impossible to forget President Buhari aka Travel Blogger’s brush with his own animal episode. When he returned from three months of medical leave in the United Kingdom in 2017, rats were presiding over the affairs of his office. This forced him to work from home for three months before remote work became a global phenomenon three years later.
We can now add another animal to the collection in 2022
In 2013, the management of the Nigeria Social Insurance Trust Fund (NSITF) sent more than ₦17.2 billion into various untraceable accounts. The Office of the Auditor General of the Federation (OAuGF) audited the agency’s accounts in 2018 and found these shady transactions. In a sane world, these spendings were supposed to have supporting documents to justify the transfers, but auditors didn’t find any.
And this is where the Senate Public Accounts Committee (SPAC) stepped in. The committee called on present and past officials of the NSITF to explain what happened with the money.
All the Senate needed to see were payment vouchers and supporting documents relating to the transfers. The absence of these means Nigerians would just have to accept the words of the NSITF that the fund was spent wisely.
Like on an owanmbe
Umar Abubakar was the managing director of the NSITF when the transfers were made in 2013 but he distanced himself from making any explanations because he wasn’t in office anymore when the audit happened in 2018.
Adebayo Somefun was the managing director during the 2018 audit and simply told the panel that the NSITF’s account section should be able to trace the documents.
Things only got interesting when the current managing director, Michael Akabogu, finally told the panel that the documents actually exist and there’s nothing shady going on. The only problem, according to him, was that the documents weren’t properly stored and had fallen victims to rain and termites.
How did that happen? Apparently, the NSITF kept the documents in a container that was abandoned in an isolated area at its Abuja office.
Does it sound fishy at all that the documents that should prove ₦17.2 billion worth of fraud didn’t happen nine years ago were left for termites to feast on?
We’d like to hear from these termites what their interest is in a corruption probe of this magnitude. At least put them on trial for obstruction of justice or something.
What will happen now?
It just so happens that shady transfer of money isn’t the only thing that the audit turned up. Auditors also found that the NSITF routinely pays salaries to dead or retired staffers.
The NSITF is also under the microscope for buying vehicles and other properties without proper documentation.
The Senate committee asked the managing directors to reappear for another round of questioning in September to clear the air on these other allegations. And we imagine there are many animals in Nigeria right now living in dread of being accused of something they probably didn’t do.
Or maybe these animals are actually as guilty as charged and are just preying on the public’s disbelief. And if we allow these animals to continue to get away with it, don’t be shocked when hyenas steal ballot boxes in 2023 or dogs drive dubious-looking bullion vans filled with money for vote-buying.
Yes, I was the one that used my hands to write this article about why goats are better pets than cats and dogs. I’m sorry. I hadn’t experienced, truly, what goats are. See, if someone calls you a goat, just drop everything you’re doing and fight them right there.
I have seven goats; Gbenga, Yetunde, Dupe, Ireti, Astor, Ruka and Ifoghale, and they’re all stubborn. Well, maybe not Ruka and Ifoghale yet, as those once were born just five days ago.
So, just as I wrote about why goats are the best thing since sliced bread, these are the reasons why they are absolutely devil-sent.
They will pee and poop everywhere
Everywhere. They poop as they walk. It’s crazy. It’s like they always have to poop every second of the day. Poop. Do you know how much poop sweeping you have to do when you have goats? Poop. A lot. Poop. And they don’t care where they’re pooping. Is it on your domot? Poop.
They’ll climb everything
Personally, I think goats have it in the back of their minds to climb everything they see. They’re like, “Hmm… this looks tall and complicated. I must climb it.” I built a fish pond in my farm recently and had to build a fence of sorts around it because the goats saw the top of the pond as their new mattress. The climbed it and guess what? Pooped right in it.
Imagine having to spend an extra ₦20k because Gbenga cannot sit down in one place.
If you have decorative plants, your goats will eat them
Yes, I know I said their poop serves as manure, but to which plants? If you have any plants you keep outside, just forget about them. My compound used to be lush and beautiful with different types of decorative plants. But whenever we let the goats in like this, whatever growth the plants managed to do in the period they were not around is gone.
They’re wicked
Let me tell you something. Goats are wicked. They’re wicked to their owners and they’re wicked to other goats. Remember I said Ruka and Ifoghale were born a few days ago? Please tell me why the other goats are already fighting them. All goats do is fight and bully one another. Why?
Christmas is here again, and as always, chickens are grieving in the market because they are about to be slaughtered. The ones that are not grieving are too expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive don’t have enough meat on them. The next alternative is turkey, but let’s tell ourselves the truth: how many of us can afford a live turkey, especially in this economy where a tin of Titus sardine is the same price as a 48 karat piece of gold?
We know you need nourishment, a piece of animal on your plate of rice to bring you protein. What then can you kill? Worry no more, dear reader. Here is a list of alternative animals you can kill for Christmas:
1. Lizard.
They are roaming around and nobody is really going to hold you back if you catch one or two and add it to your stew. If you fry it deep, it has this crunchy flavour that beats any small chops ever made. Try it.
2. Snake.
People are kuku eating snake. Why must your own now be different? Reports reaching us is that it tastes just like fish. So, what are you waiting for? Just enter the bush or wait in your toilet and wait for a snake to rear its head in your water closet.
3. Cockroaches.
This one gives an extra crunch when you add it to efo riro. People will think they are eating prawns. If you don’t mention anything to them, they might even think you are filthy rich, serving people prawns on Christmas day, in this economy.
4. Stolen goat.
Many goats are roaming free. What harm is there if you catch one and use it to feed your community? You are simply repurposing free meat that might have otherwise wasted. You should get your girlfriend to cook it, by the way. That way, you’ll know if she will stand by you through good and bad times.
5. Your neighbour’s cat.
You must do this as quick as possible, so nobody suspects you. Just lure the cat with a piece of dried fish and when it comes to you, throw it inside a pot of hot water, cover the pot and sit on it. Your neighbour might curse you, but if you give them some of the meat to eat, the curse will be shared equally among the both of you.
6. Your pet dog.
What is Coco doing being a pet dog anyway? The economy is hard, and sooner or later, you might have difficulty feeding that poor dog. So, put the dog out of its future misery by cooking it and sharing it among your neighbours. Add enough curry and thyme with scent leaves to give the meat extra flavour. Don’t worry, it is perfectly normal to eat dogs.
7. Your ex.
Oh, don’t look at me like that. When the two of you fought before breaking up, did you not refer to each other as animals? So, what is the big deal if one of you ends up in a pot of Christmas stew? When the police arrests you sha, just don’t mention Zikoko’s name.
Keeping pets in Nigeria is a very courageous act to undertake, and for many reasons. Things are expensive; you, a human being is struggling to feed, and you now choose to train a pet again. Beyond that, your pet can end up as protein in someone else’s soup.
But all these are minor. The worst that can happen is when your pet becomes possessed. One minute, you are living with Coco, the next thing you know, Ajiun has entered Coco’s body and is holding a knife to your head.
Wondering if your pet is possessed? Here are 13 surefire ways to know.
1. It watches you when you sleep.
Pet that is supposed to sleep when you sleep is standing over your bed and watching you, and you don’t think there is a problem? Okay nau, keep at it. One day, it will be that pet’s turn to provide sacrifice in the coven. That’s when you will know that power pass power.
2. It stops being obedient.
“Coco, sit down!”, but Coco is standing and staring at you like you both are sharing boyfriends. Don’t you know Coco has been possessed by an higher power? If you try to punish Coco for “disobedience”, you will regret ever buying Coco in Lagos traffic.
3. It starts eating your clothes and shoes.
Small time, that pet will be eating your kidney and liver. You think it’s a joke? Remove one of your kidneys and offer it to your pet and see if it will not be devoured before it touches the ground.
4. It refuses to eat ordinary food and start eating expensive food.
E don chop winch. Ordinary things no dey bellefull am again, na extraordinary things.
5. It starts moving with the neighbourhood pets.
Watch closely, those are its fellow possessed animals. If you take note, they always gather in clusters and disperse when they hear footsteps. Put two and two together and arrive at four, please.
6. It starts shedding fur.
Why is a pet shedding fur if it’s not that the pet is trying to mark its territory by leaving its mark in your house? SHINE YOUR EYES, BRETHREN!
7. It starts competing with your partner.
If your partner comes visiting and your pet is suddenly acting jealous and wanting to cuddle with you, then you should know that pet is your spirit partner. SELL IT NOW BEFORE IT IMPREGNATES YOU OR CLAIMS TO BE PREGNANT FOR YOU.
Pet that wants to see your nakedness, wetin come remain? Small time, it will move inside and claim the position of man of the house and start dictating what you should cook.
9. It starts to dry hump you.
You’ll think it’s just horny, until you wake up one day with morning sickness. Please oh, may we not use our money to buy something that will drag us to secret meeting. Crazy things are happening!
10. It falls asleep in weird positions.
Humans usually put their leg on the wall if they want to transfer to the spiritual world. You see pets? They just fall asleep in weird positions. How to know if your pet is possessed? If it does this, then you already have your answer.
11. If it’s a dog, it starts to bark all through the night.
Just carry it to a Calabar kitchen, let them boil the evil spirit out of it with unripe plantain and uziza. RIP to that dog, but your stomach will thank you.
12. If it’s a cat, please know it is naturally possessed.
Cats are witches. Don’t fall for their sleekness. It is a scam.
13. If it is black, just pack out of the house and let it take over.
Black dog oh, black cat oh, just carry your load and run before your life turns black too. A word is enough for the wise.
It’s normal to hear Nigerians talk about how they hate certain animals because of bad experiences they had with them. We asked six Nigerians what it’s like being chased by an animal and what their relationship with that animal is like now.
Chineye, 20
Mine happened in JSS2 on my way home with some friends. While walking, the conversation was so fun, we decided to take a longer route home. Everything was fine until we saw a boy running towards us. We turned around and saw this big hen pursuing him and started running ourselves. My friends ran in different directions, but I somehow wound up running in the same direction as the boy. We ended up on top of someone’s car, and that’s when I noticed that the stupid boy had stolen two chicks. The hen started flying and pecking at us, lord knows I saw my life flash before my eyes. I didn’t touch or eat chicken till 2019 because my mum started selling them, and we had to kill them ourselves.
Obioha, 24
One of my worst experiences with dogs had to be on my first day of school in JSS1. My parents decided that I could get to a new school on my own and I got lost. I eventually found my way to school, but I was late and got flogged. When school ended, I decided to follow some of my classmates that had mentioned that they lived close to my house. They made me trek but I didn’t mind because I figured that this time I wouldn’t get lost, and I could save my money. I wish I had just entered a bus that day. Sha, we got close to a football field and saw people running towards us and into people’s houses. My mum had told me not to follow the crowd when things like that happened, so I kept walking. It’s still the stupidest decision I have ever made in my life. The dogs I saw that day were tall and big rottweilers. These dogs chased me around, and they were fast. I ran in the wrong direction and ended up hitting my head on a tree and fainting. When I woke up people had gathered around me. All I remember was that my friends took me home, and I was quiet the whole day. Till today, I hate dogs and I don’t visit people that have dogs.
Simi, 25
My neighbour’s son had 6 dogs of different breeds. He’d take them on walks, and the whole estate preferred to stay in while he did that. That unfaithful day, I was outside when he took them for their walk. This boy was my older brother’s friend, he was in his twenties, and I was 16. He’d been disturbing me, asking me to go out with him, but I refused. It made the incident feel malicious. I saw him and the dogs while I was running errands, and I’m still not sure if he released those dogs on purpose, but one minute I was walking and the next minute, dogs were chasing me. They chased me out of the estate and into First bank, where the security guy quickly shut the gates. I was so shocked, I started crying. Nigerians can be very unsympathetic, some customers at the ATM queue were laughing and it was humiliating.
When I eventually got myself together and went home, I met him In front of my gate laughing while recounting the story to my brother. I haven’t spoken to him to this day and I still don’t like dogs. Not even those parlour dogs that people claim are nice, na them they mad pass.
Eli, 22
I went to a boarding school, and we used to have so many cats on the fence, especially at night and early in the morning. There were many rumours about the cats, especially because it was a Christian school and Nigerians think cats are evil. One evening after night prep, while running to go for night devotion, I left my water bottle in class. I went back after devotion to look for it but it was already stolen. As I was walking back to my hostel I saw something with bright eyes beside me. I thought it was a snake, so naturally, I ran. When I turned around I realized that it was a cat. I don’t know if the cat thought it was a game, but that cat chased me. The girls at the tap area in front of my hostel saw me running towards them, they didn’t even wait to see what I was running from. Those girls ran inside the hostel and locked me out. I ended up running towards the gate man’s house, and he helped me pursue the cat with a stick. The chaplain was called the next day to pray for me just in case it was a bad spirit pursuing me which was a bit extra.
All my friends and the housemistress were so nice to me for a while until everyone forgot about it. I am queer, so it’s always a red flag when I tell women I like, that I hate cats. Why does having a cat have to be a queer thing? They are so mean.
Teidou, 22
It was a Sunday and I decided not to go to church. I attended a military school, missing activities like that meant hiding out of sight from teachers, seniors, house mistresses and soldiers. My friends and I decided that we would hide in the biology lab. As we were walking towards the lab, we saw people running from afar, shouting that a cow was pursuing them. I ended up falling on my face, got injured and was taken to the sickbay. There was punishment waiting for me when I got better so that sucked. I am still afraid of cows but it doesn’t stop me from eating cow meat, it’s just payback for the scar I got.
Azeezat, 21
When I remember what happened to me that day, it gives me so much joy to eat chicken. I grew up in the UK, so we didn’t get to see farm animals or anything that wasn’t a dog unless you went to a petting zoo. We used to travel to Nigeria often until we decided to settle here permanently. I was 4 the first time I remembered coming to Nigeria. We went to visit an uncle that had a farm and I asked him if I could feed the chicks. All I did was stretch out my hand, and the mother hen decided that I wanted to kill them. She chased me around, and all the adults were laughing, no one did anything to stop her. I was so certain that she wanted to kill me. Forgetting that incident has been hard, they still scare me.
People have different opinions about animals. To others, some animals are cute and adorable, but to Nigerians, they’re the fucking devil.
Here’s a list of some animals that Nigerians believe to have ties with Lucifer, the devil.
1. Cats
Have you met cats? Those bastards are fucking cute and absolutely fun to be around. The thing about cats is that they’re so smart, the things they do would blow your mind. But Nigerians have their own theory and it’s simple: Cats are witches.
2. Snakes
Before you begin to sprinkle holy water on your phone, ask yourself: “Are serpents dangerous?” The answer is yes. But lions and Yoruba men are also dangerous and you don’t see people gathering every Friday to pray against them.
3. Owls
Sure, these guys can turn their heads 270 degrees in each direction, and they look like actual demons but nothing proves that they’re actually satan’s pets.
4. Spiders
These allegations are partly the fault of the spiders who go round spinning webs in people’s houses. Nobody wants any elements of spiritual entrapment in their house, so when they see a spider, it’s on sight.
5. Bats
First of all, bats are the only mammals that can fly. It doesn’t help that they are more active at night, they sleep upside down and some of them feed entirely on blood. But bats are not demons. Or are they?
6. Geckos
I’ll be the first to tell you that wall geckos are weird as fuck. I mean you’ll cut off a gecko’s tail and the tail will wriggle non-stop. Also, why do they keep staring at us when we sleep? Geckos are weird, but it doesn’t mean they’re demonic.
7. Bush babies
After all the stories I heard in boarding house, I don’t even know if I’m fully convinced that bush babies are not demonic. I mean, look at those eyes.
8. Vultures
I don’t know how often Nigerians come across vultures, but whenever the topic comes up, you can sense the air get cold. You’ll probably hear a Nigerian say something like “May vultures not feed on our flesh o”, followed by a long sigh.
Have you ever stopped to think about the long list of innocent animals who just want to chill and exist the way they were meant to but keep getting killed by superstitious Nigerians? Of course, you haven’t. Your human privilege has blinded you to the suffering of these poor little (occasionally big) guys.
Well, I (a human who is aware of his privilege and has decided to use it for good) decided to interview a couple of these animals so you all can know what it’s like to be slain in your prime due to false accusations of having ties to the “occult kingdom.”
The following entries are from 7 animals who agreed to speak to me about the struggles they face. The entries are written in their voice.
1) Cats
“We get that we’re not the most affectionate pets, our glow-in-the-dark eyes are creepy, and, unlike dogs, we actually have our shit together. But we swear, not all of us are your bitter village relatives in disguise waiting for an opportunity to suck your blood. So please, quit freaking out whenever we show up to eat from your trash.”
2) Owls
“I will never forget where I was when I heard my brother had died. He’d flown into a human family’s house one night to chill for a bit when he was brutally murdered because they thought he was there to harm them. All these accusations because of our large eyes, comically long legs, and our ability to turn our heads 360 degrees. We deserve better. My brother, Cornelius, deserved better.”
3) Vultures
“It’s bad enough that we’re discriminated against for eating dead things and being ugly as sin, superstitious Nigerians have thrown in accusations of being harbingers of death too. Na ugly we ugly oh, we no kill person. (We just eat the person when they die.)”
4) Galagos (Bush Babies)
“We are not little people that go about with magic mats looking for greedy humans to kill. We were nicknamed “bush babies” because of the high-pitched sound we make. I’m guessing some idiot in history once mistook our cry for a human baby’s and proceeded to spread made up stories about forest-dwelling murderous magical midgets instead of just admitting he was wrong.”
5) Bats
“My unfortunate name aside (my parents were the literal worst), we don’t all suck blood. The ones that do (think of them like those trash family members you distance yourself from) aren’t even native to Africa, so Nigerians are safe.
So if we accidentally fly into your house, please don’t kill us and flush our bodies down the toilet. We’ll end up flying into your ceiling fan anyways.”
6) Snakes
“Honestly, I blame Nollywood for perpetuating the stereotype that every snake that shows up is a spirit from the “marine kingdom” who will later shapeshift into a beautiful light-skinned girl and destroy destinies left and right. Yes, we have poisonous venom, but we only bite when we feel attacked. So, mind your business and we’ll mind ours.”
7) Spiders
“Spinning webs is not a joke. We make that shit to catch food. It is physically demanding and takes a long ass time. So imagine the frustration we feel when we come back to find our webs (and our food prospects) gone because some of you think walking into one is bad luck. Grow the fuck up!”
Well, there you have it.
Remember these stories next time you think of killing a snake JUST because it showed up in your toilet bowl.
Thinking of planning your next holiday?? We think Kenya should be your first choice! Here are 35 extremely convincing reasons why you HAVE TO VISIT KENYA!:
1. Mt. Poi in the Ndoto Mountains of Northern Kenya
2. Pink flamingos on Lake Nakuru, also known as the blue lake in Kenya
3. Lake Paradise in Marsabit National Reserve. A highland lake in the middle of the desert
4. Flamingos basking in the sunset at Lake Nakuru
5. White sands at Watamu beach
6. A tourist crossing Ngare Serian’s rope bridge in the Maasai Mara
7. Beautiful aerial view of Nairobi at sunset
8. Equally beautiful view of the Nairobi skyline at night
9. Nairobi National Park. The only wild animal park in the world adjacent to a capital city
10. Gorgeous view of Diani beach
11. 400 year old tree in the Maasai Mara National Park
12. Hell’s Gate National Park, south of Lake Naivasha
13. A flamingo walking on water at Lake Nakuru
14. Gorgeous clouds overlooking Shela village at Lamu island
15. Serene image of the coast at Lamu
16. Elephants at Amboseli National Park
17. Stunning view overlooking the Menengai Crater at Nakuru
18. Aerial view of buffalo grazing on the shores of Lake Nakuru
19. Black Rhino grazing at Lake Nakuru National Park
20. Breathtaking sunrise hues at the shores of Lake Nakuru
21. This beautiful and tranquil landscape
22. An oasis in the middle of the desert in Wajir
23. The world famous white sandy beaches of Diani
24. Remarkable landscape of this long winding road at Nyeri
25. Striking image of a water lion in the Mara
26. Ndakaini dam in Murang’a
27. Blue water rock pool in Ngare Ndare Forest
28. Stunning image of cheetahs at Maasai Mara
29. Gorgeous shot of Mount Kenya
30. Elephants basking in the sunset at Maasai Mara
31. Breathtaking aerial view of Mt Longonot’s caldera
32. Remarkable view of Mt. Kilimanjaro from Amboseli National Park
33. Dolphins in Watamu
34. Spectacular view of the waters at Malindi
35. Descent from Lenana Peak on a snow-filled Mount Kenya
All images unless stated otherwise are taken from KENYAPICS
Thinking of planning your next holiday?? We think Kenya should be your first choice! Here are 35 extremely convincing reasons why you HAVE TO VISIT KENYA!:
