Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 Advice | Zikoko!
People say, “If you’re not making money, keep your opinions to yourself, blah blah blah”. But where’s the evidence that rich people have or give the best advice?
Sometimes, you can tell they don’t “know ball” in the manner they ask you to pay attention to the following:
Work for passion, not money
No lies, if you enjoy the work you do, it won’t feel like work. But think about it; will you survive on the passion you’ll eat during these agbado times?
Swing at big risks
Most risks will hurt you more than they will help you. What’s hilarious is that your wealthy advisor has a big cushion to fall on if everything scatters. But you, that has only “God abeg” to fall back on will see shege that’s mixed with pepper.
Reduce spending
There’s really not much to reduce in this current Nigeria if you think about it. Also, the rich won’t spend less than what they want or think is necessary.
Don’t leave Nigeria
When the wealthy tell you “japa isn’t patriotic”, tell them to use their money to fix the country.
If Nigeria isn’t working for you, it’s not by force to stay.
Save for retirement
This sounds good. But for a struggling Nigerian, retirement isn’t necessarily about financial security, it’s just an age.
Also, inflation is dragging your money with you. Expensive food prices and fuel won’t let you rest. You’re not even sure you won’t touch and finish your savings before 2023 ends?
We don’t advise you to not plan for retirement sha.
Avoid your comfort zone
See, you shouldn’t let someone that’s comfortably seated on their couch tell you to get out of your comfort zone. It’s good advice, but you shouldn’t kill yourself. After all, Nigeria isn’t comfortable for anyone right now.
According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, a week hardly passes on Nigerian Twitter without firstborns being the subject of one joke, drag, hot take or the other.
Everyone always has something to say about firstborns, and as advocates for the common man, we had to give firstborns the floor to share their thoughts.
The ones who are just tired
“I’m the olóríẹbí (family head), and as a Yoruba man from Ijebu, it means I always have to take the lead, especially in finances. I’m at the age when there are a lot of family weddings, burials and namings. But I’m not rich. No one cares if I take loans. Try to send olóríẹbí money too.” — Pa Gbade, 64
“They say I act like their junior mummy, but I can’t help it. They can make it easier for me by not waiting until everything has scattered before reaching out to me. I don’t have money for everything you need, but it’s not until EFCC arrests you for internet fraud that you’ll tell me you need money. Help me help you.” — Janet, 31
“Firstborns need check-ups too. Let us know you’re looking out for us. Not every time billing or thinking we’re fine. Also, sometimes. I need space. It doesn’t mean I hate you.” — Harvey, 25
The ones who want you to know you’re on your own
“I don’t have the solutions to all your problems. Emi gan mo need help.” — Tolu, 25
“I’m not your role model, please. I don’t have it all figured out.” — Uduak, 26
“Don’t do drugs. There is madness in our family, and I will leave you on the road if you craze.” — Stephanie, 26
“The same piece of advice I gave them when they were about to get their first jobs is what I want them to always know: Be responsible for every and anything you do.” — Abisola, 33
The ones who are tired of billing
“Don’t text me to “check on me”. Just ask for the money you want straight up.” — Ore, 26
“There’s no special allowance for firstborns o. It’s like you think money appears in my account as per birthright. Let me be a baby boy, please” — Joshah, 23
“The day I go broke, I’ll come back to you for urgent ₦2k. There’s no law against begging your younger ones.” — Grace, 28
The ones who really want their siblings to stay winning
“My sister is much younger, so I’d tell her to believe in herself. Think about how far you can go, then reach higher. Dare to dream.” — Stephan, 45
“I may be hard on you, but it’s because I know you’re capable of so much. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You can blow, and you will. And maybe then, you’ll stop billing me.” — Harmony, 27
The ones who want you to remember they’re human
“I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not perfect. I’m not always the best sibling, but all I do is out of a place of love. Be kind.” — Anne, 24
“Sometimes, I don’t want to pick calls or respond to your requests. No, I’m not being wicked. I just have a lot going on. You’re lucky to have someone older to rely on. I don’t. But adulthood and capitalism don’t discriminate. There’s only so much I can do.” — Joel, 35
“If I give you advice, and you take it, but it doesn’t produce the desired results, remember I’m not God. I advise because I care for you, but I’m not always right. And I don’t carry respect on my head. I deserve it because my eyes constantly see shege. It feels nice to be recognised for all the sacrifices I make.” — Tosin, 28
First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion.
Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.
The one who just wants confirmation
She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.
The O in “opposite”
She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?
The last resort
She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable.
The one who might get you jailed
She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend.
Did you hear about the party we’re hosting for the girlies? Zikoko is bringing all the hot babes to the yard for the hottest babes-only festival. Get your tickets here.
The one who just asks for asking sake
She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already.
She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.
The time waster
She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.
The “never mind”
She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.
The advice shopper
If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?
As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, you should be certain of two things. One: If you have light for three consecutive days, look for NEPA’s office and beg them to take the light. There’s a problem somewhere.
The key to winning every argument is by using Nigerian boss tactics, and this article will teach you how.
Make a decision
For top points, pick the most unreasonable decision or opinion possible. For example, of course, one person should be able to do the work of five people without complaining. Are you asking for too much, or are they just not putting in the effort?
Stand by it
Channel your inner mountain and absolutely refuse to change your stance. It doesn’t matter if everyone around you is crying. You’ve made your decision, and changing it means you lose the argument. We don’t want that.
Never accept defeat
Even if the points against your argument are as bright as the Kaduna sun, refuse to be defeated. If they do too much, tell them, “I’ve been an expert in this field since before you were born”. That’ll show them.
Intimidate others into silence
Directly or indirectly threaten to show them shege if they dare question your authority. They’ll accept your every word as law.
Play the boss card
If it looks like you’re losing, just say, “Do you know more than me?” but don’t even give them the space to answer. Just keep repeating that question.
If the person has coconut head and still insists on making their opinions heard, tell them you’ll consider it. Then proceed to never think about it again.
Say, “It’s against policy”
And don’t bother to explain what policy you’re talking about. The point is, you know more than them, and they need to shut their face.
Or just sack them
How dare they question your irrational ways? If you can’t sack them because you’re not a Nigerian boss in real life, sack them from your life and keep it moving.
Growing older means having friends scattered far away, and in some cases across the world. If you’re looking for ways to help you maintain those long-distance friendships, you’ve come to the right place.
Save their country’s time zone and national holidays on your phone
For people trying to navigate long-distance that cuts across time zones, you should try saving the country’s time and holidays calendar on your phone. That way you have an understanding of some references they bring up. Lass lass, if the friendship eventually scattered, you’ve learnt something new.
Sync your calendars and create a mini schedule of their day
Have a general idea of what they get up to during the day so you’d figure out times to catch up that doesn’t require your schedules to clash. Imagine trying to video call your friend as they’re about to perform surgery?
Don’t miss out on any free time
Whatever opportunity you both have to spend together either virtually or physically should be snatched up like dollars. They won’t come as often as you’d like, but when they do, hoard it like Nigerian officials hoard palliatives.
Schedule check-ins with each another
Sometimes, there just isn’t any free time, so the best bet you have is to make some. It could be anything from five minutes to one hour of your day, but the sacrifice is worth the time.
Pick a method of communication that works for both of you
You should choose apps that you both spend enough time on and can communicate seamlessly. This way, you can stay in touch.
We have the internet, use it
There are so many hacks, links and plug-ins that allow you to share content with the people you care about. You can watch videos with them, play games and also share the music you’re currently listening to. If data prices are going to keep rising, might as well make spend it on your friendship.
Dates can be super expensive, and sometimes money is being saved for other things. That’s why we created a list of six fun and cheap activities you can do with your partner.
Cook together
Both of you should go to the market and buy ingredients to cook your favourite meals. That way, you learn how to make something your partner adores in the way they love it, and you don’t have to buy food that day. Play some music while in the kitchen and have an impromptu karaoke session with plantain as your microphone.
A moving date can be many things, from helping them repaint the walls to arranging the furniture. You find things in their boxes that allow you learn new things about them. If your partner’s love language is acts of service? They’d enjoy this even more.
Bind and cast your enemies
If your partner cares about you, they’d ensure your enemies are no longer after you. That’s why binding and casting dates are essential. You help each other secure your futures while keeping your enemies at bay.
Reading date
You can either read each other’s favourite book or pick a new book to read. When something ridiculous happens, you can share your excitement with them. Once you’re done reading, you both can talk about the book.
Buy two identical puzzles and set a timer. Whoever finishes first wins. It’s healthy competition, and a prize can even be attached. Puzzles aren’t that expensive, and as you both try to sabotage each other, you’ll get a few laughs out of the situation or even declare war. The choice is yours.
Scary movie night
Buy like 5 GB of data and bingewatch a bunch of scary movies neither of you has seen. The twist is that you both try to predict the characters that’ll survive and which ones will die. The movies are less scary this way, and you find yourself rooting for certain characters.
When people talk about acrylic nails, people usually only mention how hard it is to use your hands after fixing them. But there’s more, and we’re here to tell you other things people don’t tell you about fixing acrylic nails.
1 They’re addictive
When people talk about addiction, they forget that getting acrylic nails can be an addiction. The sound your nails make when they tap your phone, how elegant flipping a bird is and the way they take your hands from 0–100 makes you want them all the time. If your bank account can finance this addiction, we’ll eat you when it’s time to eat the rich.
2 They leave your nails looking ugly
When you finally remove your acrylic nails, your nails don’t look particularly pretty. All the glue they used in fixing the acrylic end up making your natural nails unsightly . It’s worse if/when the acrylic breaks off.
3You need to be creative while removing the acrylic
If for some reason you need them off sooner than expected, you don’t have access to nail dissolver, then prepare to suffer like this babe. And
Why? Because the nearest place that sold the nail dissolving solution was far, and your babe’s fingers HURT
4 You lose some feeling in your fingers
Having acrylic nails means the tips of your fingers lose some feeling. You’ll feel numb, as though you’ve been lugging around blocks of cement with your fingertips.
5 Never get your acrylic nails with long natural nails
If you grow out your nails and you’re not prepared to cut them, then acrylics aren’t for you. If you’re stubborn and enjoy brutal pain, then you can go ahead and fix the them. Removing them will hurt but at least your vocabulary of cuss words will expand.
6 You will have to reorient your brain
Things you’ve gotten used to doing will have to change because of your new… appendages. You can no longer just pick your card from the table.You’ll have to learn a new way of contorting your body to do the simplest tasks. Stressful.
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now.
In this episode, Aunty Z! gives advice to to a 23-year-old male virgin, and 19-year-old who is in a dilemma with a man twice her age.
Dear Aunty Z!
I’m 23 and I just want to get laid. I don’t want to have any relationships, just steamy hot fok every other day with someone’s daughter.
All my guys think I’ve gotten laid, and I just want to get it over with and stop lying and spinning tales about one night stands that happened only in my head. How am I still a virgin at 23? How?
Being a virgin is not a terrible thing. Society has made it seem like men must have sex every day and that’s bullshit. It’s sex, not hot Amala – which I recommend for consumption every day.
However, I can understand how you feel. There’s the need to just get it over with, but that kind of pressure can lead to you not even enjoying yourself.
For hot fok to happen, Here are two options. First one is to actually find someone that’s interested in a friends with benefits relationship. There are many young women who just want to be tossed and turned like semo inside pot – no strings attached. The second option is to hire a sex worker if you gave the extra cash. They provide a service, you get your hot fok, and they get paid. It’s good for the economy.
–Best of luck, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
Thank you to you and everyone who advised me. The man is actually is in 40s and he loves showing money off as he is super rich, I’m about to block him but the problem is he has sent me money and it would be like I’m running away so I think I’ll explain everything to him and ask him to send his account details then block him. My friend is the one who pushed me into this because she is enjoying the money and gifts, I’m so disappointed that I even entertained it in the first place, maybe it’s because I’m lonely.
You’re absolutely welcome. It’s what I’m here for anyway. If giving him back the money will make you feel better, I’m all for it. Also, please don’t beat yourself up because you entertained his advances. Everyone likes to feel special once in a while especially if you’re constantly lonely. I know I do.
Now, this your friend that is introducing you to men twice your age because she wants to enjoy money and gifts, is her name Slickback? What kind of pimp behaviour is that? Abeg, it’s the new year. You can join scissors twitter and cut her off, or at least put a little distance. New friends will not only be good for you, but they’d help combat the loneliness you feel. Try making new friends online, in school, around your neighbourhood. Making friends is not as hard as people think. It’s consistency, proper communication, and a “Hi, my name is Kella and I think we’d be good friends”.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now.
In this episode, Aunty Z! gives advice to a woman whose boyfriend blames her for his premature ejaculation, and a 19-year-old who is being pursued by a man twice her age.
Hello Aunty Z!,
My boyfriend and I went to Ghana for the holidays and two weeks into our stay he started complaining of body pains. I went online to look for a masseur in Accra and I saw one that I liked.
After I spoke to the person on the phone I decided to text him on WhatsApp so we can discuss more. During our discussion, he asked for my picture saying he wanted to know who was booking the massage so I sent him one of my pictures then he sent me a picture of his dick. I know I was supposed to reprimand him, but I didn’t and that was it. I cancelled the massage session.
Five days later, he sent me a text when my boyfriend and I were lovey-dovey. The message was that he sent my pictures to one of his clients and the person liked me. He then proceeded to ask if I was available for hookup. When my boyfriend asked who was texting me, I lied. I said I didn’t know the person and that was it.
Yesterday, when my boyfriend and I had sex, he ejaculated early. He said I gave him an infection and that’s why he came early. I got angry and started shouting. He said he saw my messages where I booked an appointment, sent my pictures and the person sent me his dick pictures. He said I’ve slept with Ghana boys and now I’ve infected him. Aunty Z, I’ve been trying to prove my innocence and he doesn’t want to believe me. Please Aunty Z, does an infection cause quick ejaculation? P.S I don’t have an infection.
One thing I want you to understand is that the man who sent you his pictures without your consent, harassed you and I’m sorry that happened to you in the first place.
Now, as for the infection, if he’s so sure you gave him one, why don’t you both go to the hospital and get tests done? At least that way if someone actually does have an infection, you’d know what kind and can get medication for it. I genuinely think he’s ashamed of the fact that he came early and is trying to shift blame. Premature ejaculation happens, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In as much as I think a lot of this is not your fault. I also think you shouldn’t have lied to him in the first place. You should have let him know from the onset about the entire situation. If you had carried him along from the moment he asked who was texting, he wouldn’t have been too angry to see reason.
I hope this works out and he gets a solution to his premature ejaculation problem. He can try sexual enhancers.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
I met this man at a conference that I accompanied someone to and he collected my number from my friend who was with me. He texted me and we started talking, but he is older than me by like 20 years and he is married with kids, they don’t stay in the same city where he works and I live. We arranged a date and it was alright, we got to know each other better and he was direct and asked how I feel about polygamy.
I’m worried because he is married and I’m scared to enter polygamy and the age thing again. I’m only talking to him because no one is serious with me and he is like the only serious person.
You’re 19. As much as you’re an adult, there’s no reason why at your age, you should be with someone that much older. 20 years older than you means he’s 39. What exactly do the both of you have in common?
My love, I’ve been where you are. I had a terrible history of taking attention wherever I found it, and I found it a lot in the hands of older men. It hardly ever ends well, and I don’t want to see you hurt.
Also, is his wife aware that their marriage is polygamous? Would you really want a situation where you get “married” to him and his actual wife and his family members start bullying you? If he wants a second wife, he should find his age mates.
You’re too young to be stressed by things like this. There will be more serious people, and they’d be age-appropriate. Don’t entertain this man Kella. Just block him and move on with life.
-Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
In this episode, Aunty Z! talks to a lady that plans on cheating and another one who doesn’t like the fact that her boyfriend is a swindler.
Dear Aunty Z!
I just started having sex. It is penetrative sex with one guy but I don’t particularly like it. I do it just because it makes the guy I’m sleeping with feel happy. I’m not sure if I like him or just like the fact that he likes me.
There’s this other guy I like and have been considering sleeping with, but I don’t want to get attached. I feel like I should explore more before settling into a relationship with my current fuck buddy. He isn’t open to an open relationship situation (pun intended). What should I do? Should I proceed to explore my sexuality behind his back?
Regardless of the reason, dishonesty isn’t the best option. I encourage people to explore themselves sexually in a safe and healthy way. Safe meaning in a way that’ll minimize any of your contact with STDs or STIs. Healthy means in a way that doesn’t damage anyone’s mental health.
Your fuck buddy has made it clear that you can’t with other people. So, leave it. I mean, the sex isn’t great and you’re not even sure you like him? What’s the point then? Find a partner that also would like to open up the sexual relationship. You get to explore and you might find someone you actually like.
Go into the world and don’t forget to stay safe! Condoms and regular STD and STI testing is important.
Take care of yourself.
-Aunty Z!
Hi Aunty Z!,
My boyfriend is a swindler. I love him but I don’t like what he does. I broke up with him because of that, and with an unspoken agreement, we are back together again. What should I do? I’m also a virgin and I don’t want to have sex before marriage. He wants it though. I mean, he’s been a celibate cause of me. What do I do too?
I love the name you chose. Purple is a very pretty colour. Now, I think this is a very clear case of being with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you. In your case, it’s prevalent in two parts.
I believe that if there’s a part of your partner you dislike enough, it’ll lead to a break up. If you come back together and that thing is still present, it’ll lead to another break up. as long as your boyfriend is still a swindler and you don’t like people that swindle, then you’d never really be happy.
Also, in the situation of virginity, one of both parties has to come to a major compromise. Either he continues being celibate, or you start having sex and you don’t sound like someone that wants to start having sex without being married first.
I think both of you should call it quits and actually stay broken up this time. You clearly both want different things out of the relationship. I advise is that you find someone with similar values as you.
-Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
In this episode, Aunty Z! helps a woman navigate trying to get rid of a crush, and talks to another about the need to love short men.
Dear Aunty Z!,
I really don’t have relationship issues as I’m a single pringle. I’m just curious to know who you tell your issues to if you’re here fixing everyone’s issues? Oh, I have a crush on this guy that doesn’t want to go away. It is super annoying and I’m really over this feeling, but the feeling is not even shaking.
I see you worrying about me. You’re sweet. Don’t worry, I have many people to talk to – in this Zikoko compound alone, dem plenty. Now to the reason we’re gathered here today: your crush.
Girl, those things are stressful. Trust me. You will be on your own, they will cross your mind or text you and all of a sudden your body will start doing gbim gbim. It’s the worst.
Here, I’ll suggest two things: you can tell him how you feel – I know you’re thinking “is Aunty Z! trying to kill me?” Maybe. I’m kidding, but you never know what could happen there. The worst thing he can say is that he doesn’t feel the same way. You chop your L and bounce.
The other thing, which I personally think is what you’ll go for – try and create some distance between the both of you. I don’t know if you work together or you are friends, but it may be necessary to create some kind of mental and physical distance. So maybe not communicating with them as much or when you think about them, try to distract yourself with some other activity (e.g. take a bunch of Zikoko quizzes and read our articles, my dear you will almost forget this person exists). That said, you could also just wait it out. It’s a crush and those things don’t usually last forever. You’ll get over it soon enough. If you’re not over it by New Year’s, message me, I will call my baba, and we’ll make this a spiritual situation.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
I finally found someone perfect but he’s short. I love him a lot and he treats me really well, I’m not just sure about navigating a relationship with a short man.
So last week, it was someone claiming to be my ex. This week, it’s someone who is impersonating me? Identity theft is a very serious offence, but I’d let it slide this time.
If I’m getting you correctly, you found someone perfect for you. As in, in this Nigeria where everyone’s head touches frequently, you found someone whose own brain touch complements yours. He also treats you very well and loves you as much as you love him. Babe, with all the breakfast they’re serving outside, you found something good and the problem is that he is short? Haba nau. Come off it. Our short kings deserve love too.
If it was that his height stopped both of you from being intimate, then that’s a huge issue, but what makes navigating a relationship with a short man hard? It’s the same way you navigate every relationship. With honest conversation, love and trust. Does his height make him any less of a man or do you think that taller people are better partners because they are closer to heaven? What will his being taller change about your relationship?
I sense that some of this may be due to some external pressure or narrative that as a woman you must be with a man that’s taller than you. I’m here to tell you that height doesn’t mean shishi. You’ve checked off the things that matter – mutual love and respect – so why are you giving yourself a headache? My darling, please love your short man and love him well. Don’t let society’s warped ideals ruin your chance at a good thing.
– Love, the REAL Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
In this episode, Aunty Z gives advice to a woman struggling to get into a relationship, a man struggling to keep one, and a lady who might be dating a self-help book.
Dear Aunty Z!,
I haven’t been in a “relationship” my whole life. I started off with situationships. The first guy, John, I liked him a lot and he lied about liking me. After some years, I found out he had a girlfriend who was a virgin then so he was always coming to me for sex. I still feel like shit till now. The second guy, BJ, was no different than John. I was desperate and wanted to feel wanted and loved by the opposite gender. I find it hard to forgive the girl that I was then.
It’s 2021 and I still can’t find someone who wants a relationship. Every guy that approaches me is mostly emotionally unavailable and I stop talking to them within some time because I easily get attached and I wouldn’t want to have feelings. The ones that are ready for a relationship are older men that come for marriage and I don’t want it now. I keep wondering if I’m doing something wrong.
I’d like to start off by saying that a lot of people want to feel loved. Either from friends, family, or romantic connections. Love is a beautiful emotion to experience, so it’s normal that people would want it. On that note, I would really like for you to forgive the girl you were then. The things that had happened, have happened and they’re not your fault. We move.
Now, as for finding someone that wants a relationship, I think you should widen your scope of men. I mean, going out to new places, asking friends to introduce you to their friends. It’s a good excuse to get dressed up and go out if you’re someone that enjoys going out. If you don’t, you can try dating apps or even regular social media apps. Look at Twitter, there are a lot of people finding love on that app every day but let me warn you, Twitter is also the trenches.
The important thing is to note that the love of a romantic partner is not the most important thing in life. It’s okay to want it, you just can’t centre your entire life around finding someone to date. Think of it this way. In this case, you’re a doughnut and romantic love is the jam. You’re good with or without. You might lose yourself in the process.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
How do you know you are polyamorous? Or do you slide from indisciplined to polyamorous? Most of my relationships always go well until a new girl shows up randomly, it starts from simple friendship to maybe friends with benefits and then relationship (something just happens and the primary relationship ends).
I get easily bored with people so that can explain the thrill of meeting new people and getting attached in one way.
Do I need help or I should assume I’m polyamorous?
Not only are you all turning me into a babalawo specialist, but you’re also giving me relationships I don’t remember partaking in. Luckily for you, I don’t hate any of my exes, so let’s get to problem-solving.
I can say with 100% certainty that you are not polyamorous, just bored. Polyamorous people don’t dump their current partner simply because they find someone new and interesting. What you are, is bored. I get it, I get bored too. One thing that has helped me is to never run out of something to talk about. Rediscovering new things about your partner keeps you interested. So, when you notice you’re already getting bored, you should try a game or activity for you both. You might think you know someone until you play a card game with them while you’re both drinking. You’d see a side you have never seen before.
So, try new activities, and open yourself up to learning and immersing yourself in her world enough to keep you invested. Then, if it gets boring and none of the activities work, it’s okay to end it and find someone new. Dating is supposed to be a fun chance to experience people.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
The issue is that my partner of a year plus doesn’t talk to me anymore. Not the typical ghosting, they view my status, send me links for opportunities and personal development tweets and all but we do not have the conventional partners communication, they’re currently using my Laptop, so recently, I tried opening a conversation by saying “Hey you” and there they go, ” Oh I’m sorry about your Laptop, can I return it on Monday”. I’m still interested in them though and I was wondering if there’s anything I can do to bring our relationship back to life. P. S We live in the same city and the last time I visited, I saw another woman’s nudes on their phone. Should that have been a clue to let go of them?
I like this your name. Dust your slippers, put them on your head, and run. You don’t have a partner, you have a self-help book. Sure, relationships can help aid your personal development, but if that’s all you both talk about, I don’t know..
Seriously though, communication is the backbone of every good relationship. Sure, love is important, but it’s never enough. You need to ask them why they no longer talk to you.
Also, before that conversation, prepare yourself for the possibility of the relationship coming to an end. If they seem so reluctant to talk now, there’s a possibility they might not want to talk anytime soon and is that something you genuinely want to deal with? A partner that doesn’t communicate. The woman’s nudes on the phone are definitely not helping matters because why are they keeping the nudes a woman sent them when they’re in a relationship? That’s a major red flag. I wish you the best of luck!
–Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now.
For this episode, Aunty Z! talks about healing from breakups, moving on, and how to evade a babalawo’s curse.
Dear Aunty Z!
There’s this friend I look up to . She’s been so cool and has really helped me improve myself. Recently, money was stolen from her room when I was there and now she’s giving me an attitude because she thinks it’s me. I didn’t take the money, but she keeps talking about bringing a babalawo into the matter. It’s not supposed to catch me because I didn’t do it, but I’m still scared. What should I do?
I think it’s time to add “spiritual consultant” to the list of things I do. First, you need the egg of a virgin tortoise, then palm oil from your village. Then on the night where the sun and the moon meet… I’m just messing with you.
With my somewhat manageable knowledge of babalawo doings, they might ask you to swear. If you swear and you’re innocent, nothing will happen to you. However, I don’t think you should be doing any swearing and that “friend” is definitely not a person you should be around anymore. Surround yourself with people that trust you, and will believe you when you say you didn’t steal money.
Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
I’m not able to get over my toxic ex. I like someone right now but I can’t get into a relationship because I’m not over my ex. I’m dealing with trust issues and I’m recovering from manipulation and gaslighting.
So, getting over people is no easy task, but it can be done. I feel like you’re rushing trying to get over your ex because there’s someone else already present, but you have to take your time. Slow and steady because this love thing na marathon, no be sprint.
One thing I recommend is asking yourself the difficult questions. You can journal or record some of the things your ex did to you, and reevaluate the entire relationship. Then in situations where you feel it’s absolutely necessary to get clarity, you need to do it from a safe distance. Many sisters —myself included— have fallen for the trap of going to get closure and ending up naked on the bed. Shine ya eye.
You can also try crying and screaming lyrics to heartbreak songs with your friends. There’s no one way to recover from a breakup, but just make sure it’s a healthy way that allows for you to process the emotions you feel. Lastly, teach yourself to notice signs of manipulation and gaslighting so that if it happens again, you dip early and save yourself a lot of heartache.
–Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
Today, Aunty Z! talks about loaning money to people you just started talking to, distant friendships, and how to be a girlfriend.
Why is this person I’m talking with asking me to loan him 25k just a few weeks after we started talking? Should we still continue talking or I should ghost his ass?
George, 21
DEAR GEORGE,
Based on what you’re telling me, it doesn’t seem like both of you are close enough for him to demand that kind of favour. 25k? In this economy? Does he think you manufacture sardine?
That said, I don’t think it’s enough to stop talking to him completely. You might not be comfortable with it, but you may also have been his last resort. Just tell him you can’t lend him the money and keep it pushing. His reaction can tell you whether or not to, as you say, ghost his ass. Does he act up? Insult you? Ice you out? If he does any of these things, it’s time to become Casper.
So my best friend just complained that our relationship has been really distant lately and I’ve been keeping things from her. I didn’t really understand because I thought things with us were really cool. My question now is, how can I be as open with her as she wants? She’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose her.
Uwa, 22
DEAR UWA,
Sometimes, people demand more in relationships. You may have been satisfied with where you were, but she wasn’t. That doesn’t mean things weren’t cool, it just means that she wants more. Garri wey John go finish fit no belle full Paul.
The only person that can answer your question is your best friend. Your language of giving and your best friend’s language of receiving might be two different languages. You have to communicate with her and figure out what she wants and how she wants it. If not, you might just end up doing something she might not appreciate.
There is a guy I like, and he likes me back. He asked me to be his girlfriend, I want to say yes but I don’t know anything about being in a relationship. I am scared I might just bore him out of whatever he feels.
Lota, 25
DEAR LOTA,
Being a partner is one of the few jobs where you don’t need experience. You learn on the job. Quite frankly, you liking him and him liking you back is all that’s needed to start.
You’re scared of boring him and I think that’s unfair to you and to him. You clearly enjoy being with each other. Choosing to be partners should not put an end to that. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just enjoy all of it.
Also, if this is the only reason you’re holding back, please say yes. Always communicate with your partner and share ways you can love each other better. Of course, let me know how it’s going.
Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
Today, Aunty Z! gives advice to a man in love with two women, a woman who stopped enjoying sex with her husband, and Stanley from last week who has some more things to clarify.
Dear Aunty Z!,
There’s this girl that I liked a lot a few years ago, let’s call her Ella. When I made a move back then, she was in a relationship and didn’t like me that way. Some months ago, we met and it’s safe to say it was love at that sight. Now she’s single and we’ve been seeing each other for a while now. We really love and want to be with each other.
The problem now is I’m currently in a long-distance relationship. I still have feelings for my babe and I feel it’ll hurt her real bad if I leave her to be with someone else. I’m in a dilemma and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been seeing Ella and our feelings for each other just keep growing, and that has taken a toll on my relationship.
Ella really wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her but now she’s running out of patience and I understand that. I don’t want to rush and make hasty decisions based on emotions. I don’t want to lose Ella (again), but honestly, I also don’t feel like it’s the right time to call things off with my babe yet. Please, I need advice.
It seems you want to eat your cake and have it. You somehow want to keep your current girlfriend and continue seeing Ella. Haba na.
You say you don’t want to hurt your girlfriend by leaving her to be with someone else, but you’re cheating on her. I don’t think she’d enjoy being cheated on either.
I want you to weigh your options. Sit down with yourself and list all the reasons staying with your girlfriend will be a good idea, and then list all the reasons why giving this relationship with Ella a chance is a good idea. If you choose your girlfriend, you have to let her know about Ella and then she’d decide if she wants the relationship to continue. If you realise that being with Ella is what your heart wants, then you should call things off with your girlfriend immediately. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who has one leg out the door.
I wish you the best of luck in whichever relationship you decide to pursue. Let me know how it works out for you.
Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. He does not turn me on at all. I am not even interested in making any effort anymore, I just lay there and let him finish.
I buy lube a lot. I am not going to deny him every time just because I don’t feel a thing no matter what he does, nor do I want to get hurt while he is at it. I get irritated when he tries to touch me anywhere because it’s simply a waste of both of our times, he just doesn’t turn me on.
I wasn’t like this when we got married 6 years ago. He was a virgin, I wasn’t. The very sight of him turned me on back then. I would seduce him in crazy lingerie, wake him up with blowjobs, walk in on him in the washroom and fuck him mindless. He was a lazy lover even then, no imagination, or initiative. I think I got tired of trying to get him to be more sexual than practical and I became numb somehow. He could walk around me now with a hard-on all day long and I wouldn’t feel anything but a slight irritation.
I don’t know why I am writing to you. Perhaps I want a solution? Outside this, we’re both great, I think. He’s sexually miserable for sure, and keeps talking about how I have changed.
Eni, 31
Hey Eni,
I know what it’s like having a lazy sexual partner, and it can be absolutely frustrating when you know there’s a potential for amazing sex, but they’re not just putting in the effort.
It seems to me that both of you realise there’s a problem with your sex lives. He thinks you’ve changed, and you feel he’s not doing enough to excite you. You used to enjoy seducing him and all the fun things you came up with, but you got tired of doing all of the work. You should bring that up with him, and also tell him the kind of things you like. Think back to the top five sexual experiences you’ve had. What made them so great? Why not recreate some of those scenarios.
I think your solution is quite simple. Remind him that sex is not something done to you, but something both parties are meant to enjoy. With what you’ve described, it sounds like he’s using you as a sex toy, and that’s not what we want.
His laziness means he didn’t have a chance to explore you and what you like, so tell him you need more of that. Also, don’t throw out the lube. You’d need it, especially if things go well. You can never have too much lube.
Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
It’s Stanley again. Thank you for your advice. I just wanted to add some details and provide some clarity. The man she’s in love with is the one I want to shag with her. I suspect he’s bi because he registers strongly on my gaydar and the last time he came to visit because my wife is the godmother to his first son, he reached out to embrace me and almost kissed me. It’s not officially open because she’s in denial about her feelings for him and it caused a row for a while when I found out and confronted her. So now she’s very careful and I am waiting patiently for a slip. A conversation won’t work because she would simply deny her sexuality or emotional love for the other guy. Another way would be to initiate a threesome with the guy and see where it goes. Any tips?
Thanks for writing back. First things first, your confidence in your gaydar is admirable. But even though, Stanley. Even though. I still think it’s not that simple.
Also, something about “waiting patiently for a slip” feels like we’ve entered weird territory, my friend. This situation is starting to feel unhealthy for the both of you.
I’m for the idea of suggesting a threesome because at least you guys will talk, but I think you need to not press on about her loving this guy. Try as much as possible to create a safe enough environment for a conversation about her emotions or sexuality.
You should also be okay with letting this go. It’s a possibility and something you should consider.
Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Navigating life and relationships can get quite hard and we sometimes need someone to talk to. Meet Aunty Z! She gets it, she’s all ears and she just wants to help. For issues in all your relationships; friendships, situationships, and the other ships, you’ve come to the right place. Aunty Z! will see you now
Today, Aunty Z! gives advice to a bisexual married man who wants to open up his marriage and sleep with his wife’s friend and a straight man who is in love with a lady in his head.
Dear Aunty Z!,
My wife is emotionally involved with another man. He’s also married and they love each other. I also suspect she could be bisexual too as she has a [female] bestie I think she’s been sleeping with. I want an open marriage and want to have sex with her and her male friend. How do I go about it? Is it advisable?
There’s a lot going on, but that’s why I’m here. The koko of this matter is that you need to talk to your wife. I’m assuming you married someone you love and respect. I also assume she trusts and listens to you. If that’s the case, then all your problems can be solved with a conversation — or several, but it’s all worth it in the end.
But come o Stanley, if she’s in love with this man and you’re aware, it seems you already have an open relationship no? Regardless, communicating with your partner is the first thing to do when you have these things that you are worried about.
Lastly, you would like to sleep with your wife’s friend, but does he want to sleep with you? We have to be sure of these things because they are still serving breakfast out in these streets. Sure there’s no shame in shooting your shot, but Nigeria is homophobic and I think discussing with your partner first will help you decide if you really want to take this kind of chance..
When you’re talking with your wife, you can bring up your sexuality. If she’s bisexual, don’t expect her to open up immediately simply because you did. Once again, Nigeria is homophobic and people need time. I hope this helps and do keep me updated.
Love, Aunty Z!
Dear Aunty Z!,
Hello, I’m in kind of a quagmire. I’ve been dating someone for 3+ years now, she’s beautiful, nice and hardworking and she loves me. I love her also but deep in my mind I know I won’t want to spend the rest of my life with her.
There are some red flags here and there but honestly they could be overshadowed by her good side, despite this, I still don’t see us being together forever. The issue of marriage hasn’t come up though, she knows I’m still finding my feet even though I have a good job. She’s employed too but we don’t talk about getting married soon.
She thinks we’re getting married though, I honestly can’t explain why but I just don’t love her enough to go all the way and I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what next to do and its not like there’s someone physically who I’m considering as her replacement. It’s a mental image instead, the ideal person for me is in my head and I’m madly in love with that person who ticks all the boxes for me. What’s the way forward?
About this marriage thing, I think you should let her know. With relationships, there doesn’t always have to be an end goal, but it is important that throughout we treat our partners with love and respect.
You should let her know that marrying her is not in your plans. That allows for you both to decide the next step in the relationship. Do you continue dating each other because you enjoy where you are at right now? Or do you go your separate ways because you both want different things? The conversation will help you feel a lot lighter, no matter what the outcome is.
As for the dream woman you hope to meet, the hard truth is that there’s nobody 100% perfect for you. People might have one or two things that might not really do it for you, but you have to decide if those things are worth leaving the person for.
It’s okay to have a fantasy person in your head. I have one too, and it’s one of the many traits of a hopeless romantic. Just don’t let that imaginary person stop you from having great relationships right now.
Love, Aunty Z!
Aunty Z! will be published every Sunday at 2 pm but you can write to her here and she may just give you the advice that changes your entire life!
Sometimes, when you finally accept your sexuality as a queer Nigerian, you may not know what to do. So, these six queer Nigerians give advice to newer queer people.
Promise
You don’t have to label yourself. Be patient with yourself, love yourself and know that whatever you are, you deserve love and acceptance.
Doyin
You don’t have to come out until you are ready. The world is wicked enough to queer people. You should only do it when you are ready. When you eventually do, be ready to lose a lot of friends and family. Don’t be too worried about that, because you will find many many more that love and accept you as you are.
Temi
Your identity doesn’t have to fit in a single label. You’re still bisexual if you haven’t had sex or been in a relationship with anyone. Your labels and identities can change and that’s okay. You are queer enough.
Ose
Take it easy on yourself. Things are meant to be figured out, don’t rush your process. The world, especially Africa and the media will say so many things that probably will make you hate what you’re feeling, and in turn, hate yourself. Don’t play into that. You and your feelings are as normal as the person next to you. You’re valid.
Everyone who has embraced their sexuality had to figure it out one way or the other. Everyone’s process is different. Don’t rush it or beat yourself up because you’re not where others are in their journey. You owe yourself love regardless of your sexuality. Self-love, love from friends who love you, love from someone who makes you feel over the moon. You deserve love.
Curate your social media as well. The content you digest matters a lot too. Taking in homophobic content 24/7 or straight people drama will definitely not be helpful. Curating makes sure there’s enough queer content to counter the negativity. Trust me, it is very important.
Ama
I think that’s it’s important for everyone struggling or questioning their sexuality to know that you don’t have to be what society or your parents say you should be. You don’t have to label yourself. Be patient with yourself, love yourself and know that whatever you are, you deserve love and acceptance.
I learned this later in life and I regret repressing my sexuality for so long because when I finally decided to live as authentically I realized I have never felt as free and as true as I am living my truth. It took 8 years and lots of hating myself and others but here I am.
I feel seen, I feel loved, I feel true and that can never be bought or repressed. Be brave. Be loud. Be true.
Peace
I know this is really really hard, but only surround yourself self with people that are either queer or people that don’t have homophobic thoughts towards queerness. When you surround yourself with people that make it comfortable to be yourself, there’s less need or want for you to shrink or try to fit in. It wouldn’t matter and it sort of reshapes how you see yourself.
Love yourself so much without needing any validation and slowly it reflects on how you think. You begin to realize you coming out is not so anyone to accepts you, because you don’t need acceptance. You’ve accepted yourself. It’s just to let people know how to address you without assuming. It takes a shit load of work, but it’s the best bet at finding peace within yourself. Also, understand whatever you identify with at the end of the day is valid.
This Zikoko’s guide was written to help younger siblings make our lives easier because one day you’re an only child and before you know it, your parents create a couple of freeloaders called siblings that spoil all your plans.
1. Stop asking for money.
Let our spirit lead us to remember you, besides we did not give birth to you. Thanks and God bless. The association of ATM firstborns are tired.
First born in their minds
2. Don’t eat the last meat.
We came before you for a reason. We came not to oppress you but to eat the last meat. Let us have it or else…
You have been warned
3. Stop being an aproko.
We are tired of bribing you. Nigerian politicians no do reach this one oh, abeg.
You better grow up
4. Don’t grow taller than us.
We don’t know how you’ll do it but don’t try it. It’s disrespectful.
This will be you when we ask you kneel down all the time
One of the most fascinating things about life is how people strut around, confidently saying shit about shit they know nothing about. That’s exactly how these 10 pieces of “advice” came about and spread like wildfire.
It’s great to find work doing something you genuinely enjoy. But if you go into it thinking it’ll never feel like work, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s going to feel like work and you’re going to get exhausted at some point. Know this, before you find yourself digging up your grandfather so you can scream at his rotting corpse for lying to you.
No. You decide who family is. Family isn’t always by blood. Don’t let people off the hook for treating you like shit just because a potential offspring resulting from both of you would have webbed feet.
Let me tell you something. If you jump into the wrestling cage of holy matrimony without the cushion that is money to support you, your marriage will be the inspiration for ‘Marriage Story 2: Divorce Delight’.
Hear ye, hear ye! Entrepreneurship is hard as shit. Don’t let “Dinner with Jay-Z” Twitter deceive you. If you don’t have the mind for it, stay in your job and be earning your salary jeje.
Fuck that shit. When they go low, go subterranean.
Who do you think I am? Pocahontas? My heart is noisy as hell. I can’t hear shit.
Usually said in regards to romantic relationships.
To quote social media comedian, Lala Milan — in that video where she dresses up as Areola, Ariel the little mermaid’s lesser known cousin — “Niggas ain’t shit. On land AND in water!” The dating pool is tiny as hell and full of piranha disguised as goldfish. Beware.
If you subscribe to this ideology because you saw it on Twitter, you’re an idiot. Of course, you owe people shit. You owe people basic decency. Stop being a douche to everyone because some 13-year-old white girl said so.
Picture this.
You’re fighting for your life. Your hooded attacker has you pinned to the ground and is stabbing you repeatedly. As you lay in the street dying, you look up at your attacker and ask, “Why?!”. Your attacker removes his hood and reveals his identity. It’s Ted Bundy, and he quietly replies, “Because it makes me happy.”
Enough said.
A wise queen once said, “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it”. If you see something that you want, GO FOR IT.
And after many years of it being swept under the carpet, Nigerians are finally facing it.
Thanks to social media, we’re hearing of more cases, speaking up about those cases and even getting justice for the victims.
But as much as social media has served as a platform for advocates to speak up against Domestic Violence, it has also served as a means for different people who feel like they know shit to come and spit what they think is “wisdom” in our eyes.
Suddenly, everybody thinks they know the golden rule to stopping domestic violence once for all.
So when Pete Edochie’s son, Yul Edochie, also started dropping them tips like it was hot eba, the Internet went:
In the gospel according to Yul, Domestic Violence can be stopped if the woman learns to “zip up”, among other things:
"My father never hit my mother for one day…not just because my father's a gentleman but my mom always knew when to zip up" Yul Edochie. pic.twitter.com/xsBG2YOveP
Why does it have to be the woman’s job to keep the peace?
Yul Edochie is patriarchal. Places burden 100% on woman to keep peace in home. Speaks on the premise Man is god and Woman must bow. Idiot. https://t.co/mD90sGtGk8
SATIRE! SATIRE! SATIRE!
