A week in the life of

When I’m In Front Of A Camera, I Feel Like Wizkid Or Davido — A Week In The Life Of A Pornstar

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Juliet Simone, and she’s a pornstar. Juliet tells us about some of the stereotypes she faces in her line of work, managing her family’s expectations with her job, and how powerful she feels when she’s in front of a camera.

MONDAY:

I’m awake every day between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. I stand up from my bed by 6:30 am today, and the first thing I do is check my phone to see if there are any messages I missed while asleep. Then I start my morning ritual — I drink Seaman ogogoro to clear my eyes, do some squats to keep my body fit [because I don’t want to have a fat stomach], and look for something to eat. I’m done with my routine by 11 a.m. After that, I make content for my paying subscribers — I have a WhatsApp group where people pay ₦5,000 per month to see my nudes, watch me masturbate, rant or just dance. It would have been easier to manage the subscribers if I could go live on Instagram or Twitter, but I’ve been banned on both apps. I’m grateful that at least I still have my Snapchat account where I can post even though I don’t fully understand how to use that app.

I don’t have time to be worried about Snapchat because there’s work to be done, and my major “headache” now is entertaining my subscribers on WhatsApp. I’ll video call my over 20 subscribers in batches of seven. The signs are clear that I have a long day ahead of me.

TUESDAY:

I don’t shoot porn videos every day because I don’t own a personal camera. Instead, I have to shoot once or twice in a week depending on the schedule of the actors, video crew and location. There’s a lot of planning that goes into making these videos. We travel outside Lagos, sometimes as far as Badagry, to make them. You can’t just say you want to act porn in your room or a hotel in Lagos. From the screams and moans alone, oversabi people will call police to arrest you for trying to murder someone’s daughter. There’s also the part of choosing the men I’m acting with because I have a preference — neat, honest, and willing to show face on camera — that must be followed. After making my choice, I invite the person for lunch to gauge them before we go for routine [HIV, Hepatitis, etc] tests. Then we can now shoot a video.

During video shoots, I tell my men that it’s acting we’re acting so they shouldn’t get carried away thinking it’s their girlfriend they’re fucking. I also make it clear that they must not cum in me — they can cum on my laps, face, tummy but not inside me — because the viewers want to see the sperm.

Anytime I’m stressed, I remind myself that it’s my channel that these videos are being uploaded to and that makes me happy. I’m excited anytime I look at my money counting and see that it’s dollars. I can’t wait till it’s plenty so I can cash out.

WEDNESDAY:

People ask me if I’m shy to have sex in front of a camera. Me, Juliet, shy for what? For why? I even think I’m addicted to the camera. I’ve been acting for a while, so I’ve gained confidence. Although I started acting porn three years ago, my dream was to always get into Nollywood, so I grew up participating in dramas, teen plays and being a drama queen. I wasn’t shy when I used to act for people, why will I be shy now that it’s my channel?

Anytime I’m in front of the camera, I feel like I’m Wizkid, Davido or even Burna Boy, and all these people are coming to look at me. I won’t lie, the first time I acted in a porn video, I didn’t know it’d go far. It wasn’t until my brother in Dubai called to say: “Juliet, you don dey act porn?” I was “Shoo, this thing is international now? This is my chance to shine.” In fact, during lockdown, I became famous again because one of my videos did like two million views. I noticed that anytime I passed my street, boys would be looking at me. It was one of my male friends that now gave me the gist that someone downloaded my video and people started sending it to themselves. Sometimes, too much of the attention in real life makes me shy, so I stay indoors. Other times when I want to do my werey, I wear my shades and don’t give them face. Is it pussy they’ve not seen before? Is it dick they’ve not seen before? — it’s everywhere. And if anybody comes to challenge me that why am I acting porn, I’ll also challenge them that why are they watching porn. Wetin carry their eyes go there? Are they also pornstars?

THURSDAY:

I’ll say this anywhere: I’m not addicted to sex. It’s just that I can’t see dick and run. I know that pata pata na you go tire because I don’t see sex as stress. I also don’t pay attention to that thing they call body count — how does it affect me? I can’t count how many guys I’ve fucked. I also know that I’ll stop acting one day. I’ll move into “pure” acting and make money from my old videos. By then I’d have settled down with the man of my choice that loves me. I’m not worried because I’ve swimmed into the world and seen what’s there.

For the moment I’m making my money and facing my business. I’ll advise people to do the same and leave judgement between me and God. I am at peace with my God.

FRIDAY:

I have a few secrets. My mum thinks I’m an actress in Nollywood, and although my siblings know what I do for a living, they didn’t cast me. My dad is dead, so he doesn’t need to know. Sometimes, people whisper to my mum but I encourage her to ignore them. As far as I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rob or collect anyone’s money illegally, my life doesn’t concern anybody. If my siblings could go from an initial violent reaction when they found out I was acting porn to a cordial one, people’s opinion don’t matter much to me.

Another secret is that I enjoy slow fucking and not knacking-knacking like you’ll see in porn videos. I think that’s even a major reason why it’s difficult to enjoy sex while acting. If I like the guy and we’re done shooting, I’ll ask him to come and have the slow sex that I like.

My last secret is that I don’t make friends with people outside the porn industry because they won’t understand me. And insult can even enter. But if you’re in my industry, how can you abuse me when we’re partners in crime? Even if you abuse me, it’ll be work-related — you’ll say I didn’t cash out last month or my video quality is poor — and I know you’re correcting me. Let me tell you a secret: The people insulting me about pornography will grab this opportunity I have if they see it. Them go too rush am.

SATURDAY:

I can’t help but think about the pornography industry here in Nigeria because there’s potential that we’re not tapping into. There’s a lack of trust amongst us, so we don’t collaborate. You’ll watch Oyinbo porn and you’ll see crossovers and collaborations making people money. But Nigerian slogan is “Everyone be on your shoe oh because na only you know as your shoe dey pain you.” I know there’s the opportunity to make money. When I was still upcoming and working for people, I’ve made around ₦300,000 and above per month before. As long as we don’t combine resources, we can’t regulate and grow the industry.

I’m always looking for people to collaborate and work together because I want to blow to the extent where I can establish a business for my mum and myself. Once I remove black tax and set up a passive source of income from my old videos, then I’ll stop acting porn. Maybe then I’ll finally be free to pursue my childhood dream of acting in Nollywood.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

February 2, 2021

Hustle

A week in the life of, hustle, Life, pornstar in Nigeria, work
A Week In The Life: The Interstate Driver With Girlfriends In Many States

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life,” is an interstate driver. He tells us about the risk involved in his job, his love for his wife and kids, and how he manages his girlfriends alongside his loving family.

MONDAY:

I don’t have a fixed time to wake up because my job is flexible. In the past, when I was a driver for Taxify, I’d wake up early so as to make a profit. However, since I stopped doing Taxify, I don’t have to wake up that early. I now do strictly calling. People who need my services call me for what they want and I help them out. I do anything transport — I drive people from one state to another, I help them drive their car for delivery from one state to another, and sometimes, I even help people buy cars. All na hustle.

I’m lucky that I have a good customer relationship and that’s why I have clients who always need me to help them do one thing or the other. And the funny thing is that I developed these relationships while I was still a driver on Taxify.

I tell people about the importance of honesty and human relationship because it has helped me. No be say na me holy pass, but I dey try. For the past three months, I’ve driven only one person, and we met on that same Taxify. One day in 2017, he ordered a ride and we were flowing. The next day, he called me to pick him up. We just clicked. From there, he became a plus in my life. Even though he’s based abroad, anytime he’s in Nigeria, I’m his driver. I leave all my other clients to strictly drive him for the duration of his stay. I can’t lie, he has been wonderful in my life. Even when he sends me message from abroad, I accomplish it. Always on point. In fact, today, we’re preparing to travel to his village. I need to put one or two things in place to prepare for the journey.

TUESDAY:

It’s very rare to see a faithful man. I don’t want to know how bad or ugly he is, as long as he moves around, he must have one or two babes to pass time with. That one is certain. It’s even worse for people like me who drive around all the states. I don’t have active babes in all the 36 states, but I have enough. Any state I enter, I must observe the ground and find at least one babe. Once I arrange the babe, anytime I visit that state, I holler at her. To make sure that she responds, I make our first meeting memorable for the girl. I will burst her head and flex her. And when we’re done enjoying, I will even dash her money. After that, many of them will be thanking me like fifty times. Me, I like honesty, so I tell them before we do anything that I’m married. I love my home. And this one is just both of us enjoying each other.

My parole is tight, and I talk in a way that they can’t say no. Again, with me, no dull moment. Haha.

WEDNESDAY:

Today, I’m thinking about how I don’t deserve my wife. I’m just opportuned to have this wonderful woman. It’s God that said she’ll be my own and love me for who I am. She’s my number one, and it’s because of that love that I don’t let her see any clue of my girlfriends. If any of my girlfriends calls my wife, I cut her off immediately because I don’t want anything to ruin my home.

I guard my home well because growing up, I saw my parents fight. And I don’t want my home to be like that. I love my two boys and one girl, and I cherish their mother. I can’t afford to send my kids to a big school, but the little I can afford, I give to them. I didn’t go to university even though I did all I could to make it work out. That’s why I made a vow that I’ll do whatever it takes for my kids to go to school. So far so good, I’m on track. My daughter is in JSS1 while the boys are still in primary school. I’m sending them to school, not because education guarantees success but because it’s vital — it’ll always set them apart.

People have asked me how come I have a wife, three kids and still have space for girlfriends. The truth is that I dey hustle well. Sometimes I may not make one naira in a week, but the next week, I’ll make ₦200k. I have clients that pay ₦20 – ₦30k here and there, and I join everything together. It’s God that’s helping me because the little money I get, I shuffle it. All departments must chop inside. It must sha go round.

THURSDAY:

Interstate driving is risky. I remember my accident on Christmas day of 2019 at Benin Bypass. I was going with this same friend that stays abroad when our car tumbled. I wasn’t the one driving, so I was in the back seat. The funny thing is that I was on the phone talking to my wife when it happened. One minute I was on the call, the next, I’m upside down inside bush. Fear catch me die. I was upside down looking at my phone still on, fuel was leaking out of the car, and I was strapped to the chair with the seat belt. I had to calm myself down to get out of the car. Then I also told my guy not to panic while I loosened his seat belt. Thank God for motorists who helped us out of the whole situation. With their help, we turned the car back straight and then Road Safety came to tow the vehicle. Even after that incident, I didn’t stop driving. I can’t stop driving. It’s a part of me. Anytime I touch a car, I’m at peace.

If I have my way, I’ll invest in a transport business because I know there’s money in here. This is the field where I’ve spent all my life. This is all I know and this is where my talent lies.

FRIDAY:

I love my kids so much. No matter how bad my day is, once I see them, I just brighten up. My work doesn’t give me enough time for my kids. When I’m in Lagos, I make sure I spend time with them. Sometimes I won’t travel for two months and other times, I wouldn’t be in Lagos for three weeks straight. There’s just that fatherly love that they bring out in me.

Even when I’m with any of my girlfriends, I must still speak to my kids. I’ll call to hear their voice: I’ll ask them about their studies, if they’ve eaten, and how their day went. I’m never far away from them.

I honestly don’t know how they’ll feel if they know I have girlfriends. All I know is that I won’t bring any drama near my house. Even if I’m a killer outside, I want to be a saint in my own home. I may not have a lot of money but home matters to me. I’ve been married for twelve years, and I don’t know if I can keep on living if anything happens to my family.

To be honest, I’m even changing. I’m not bad like that. If I count my girlfriends, I have only five consistent ones. I’ve removed the inconsistent ones from my list because no time. I’m also thankful that God take libido bless me to be able to keep everyone satisfied. It’s grace. I be pure Igbo guy, I strong die.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

January 5, 2021

Hustle

A week in the life of, driver, Girlfriends, hustle, marriage, Women
A Week In The Life: 10 Must-Read Stories Of 2020

On March 10 2020, I published the first-ever “A Week In The Life” story. It addressed the struggles of a female Keke driver who was punching her weight in a male-dominated field while also doubling as a breadwinner. This theme of understanding people’s work struggles set the tone for the rest of the episodes in the series.

Since then, I’ve spoken to over 40 Nigerians with different jobs, struggles, and wins. These stories have opened minds, sparked conversations, and changed the life of subjects along the way.

As the year comes to a close, I’ve picked 10 of the absolute must-read in this series.

1) A Week In The Life Of A Kayan Mata Seller Focusing On Sex Education

Today’s subject is Maryam Usman, a Kayan Mata seller from the North. She talks about the challenges that come with her business and more importantly, the need for sex education amongst Northern women.

Read here.

2) A Week In The Life Of A Flight Attendant

Today’s subject is *Tunde. A 29-year-old flight attendant of mixed heritage who tells us that part of the training to become a flight attendant involves learning how to deliver babies.

Read here.

3) A Week In The Life Of A Call Center Agent At The Suicide Hotline

Today’s subject is **Mark, a psychologist who is a call center agent at the suicide hotline. He walks us through his battle with faith, the need to help people, and the challenges that come with his job.

Read here.

4) A Week In The Life Of A Nurse On The COVID-19 Frontlines

Today’s subject is *Agnes, a nurse currently caring for Covid patients. She tells us her fears as a young person working in close contact with an infectious disease.

Read here.

5) A Week In The Life Of ‘Agba’, The Entertainer Who’d Rather Be Rich Than Famous

The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is Olubiyi Oluwatobiloba, an entertainer popularly known as ‘Agba’ of Konibaje baby fame. He tells us about the good and bad side of fame, his creative process, and his exit plan when skits are no longer sustainable.

Read here.

6) A Week In The Life Of An Imam Navigating A Zoom Ramadan During Covid-19

Today’s subject is Imam Nojeem Jimoh. He tells us how he’s navigating Ramadan using technology in this special time.

Read here.

7) A Day In The Life: The Soldier Eagerly Looking Forward To Civilian Life

Today’s subject is a soldier in this mid-thirties who walks us through fighting bandits in the North, corruption in the military, and his plans for civilian life once his military service is over.

Read here.

8) “Border Closure Is Only Enriching People” – A Week In The Life Of A Smuggler

The subject for today is Mr M, a businessman and smuggler. He talks about the risk involved in his job, how bribes affect the prices of goods, and his hope to diversify his source of income.

Read here.

9) “Men Try To Take Advantage Of Me” – A Week In The Life Of A Female Bouncer

The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is Tope. She’s a bouncer and she talks about the stereotypes she faces at work, advances from men, and how difficult it is to be a bouncer during COVID.

Read here.

10) A Week In The Life Of A Fish Specialist Earning $5,000/Month

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a twenty-six-year-old fish specialist. He talks about making over $30,000 from selling fishes, how he stumbled on the business, the cruelty fishes face, and why he left paid employment.

Read here.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

December 29, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, Agba, fish seller, hustle, must read, Nigerian military
A Week In The Life: 10 Of The Most-Read Stories To Date

On March 10 2020, I published the first-ever “A Week In The Life” story. It addressed the struggles of a female Keke driver who was punching her weight in a male-dominated field while also doubling as a breadwinner. This theme of understanding people’s work struggles set the tone for the rest of the episodes in the series.

Since then, I’ve spoken to over 40 Nigerians with different jobs, struggles, and wins. These stories have opened minds, sparked conversations, and changed the life of subjects along the way.

As the year comes to a close, I’ve gathered 10 of the biggest hits in this series.

1) A Week In The Life Of An NCDC Call Centre Agent

Today’s subject is Joke, a call centre agent at the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC). She tells us how her life has changed since Coronavirus was first announced and what she looks forward to the most after the pandemic is over.

Read here.

2) A Week In The Life Of A Sex Worker

Today’s subject is *Yemi, a 27-year old sex worker who tells us how sex work has affected her outlook on life.

Trigger warning: Strong content of drug use and rape ahead.

Read here.

3) A Week In The Life: The Agbero Trusting God For A Better Life

The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is *Tola. He collects money at the bus park, and he’s what Nigerians refer to as Agbero. He talks about wanting to quit his job, his faith in God and why he shows up every day.

Read here.

4) A Week In The Life: A Sex Toy Seller Juggling Business With Her Christian Faith

Today’s subject is Amope, a Nigerian woman who sells sex toys. She walks us through business during COVID, her Christian faith, and not being ashamed to promote her business using her face.

Read here.

5) “People Ask Me For Body Parts” – A Week In The Life Of A Mortician

The subject for today is Mr A, a mortician. He talks about his first day on the job, people asking him for human parts, and why he lives intentionally.

Read here.

6) A Week In The Life Of A Coffin Maker

Today’s subject is Chief Ogunsekan, a coffin maker. He tells us how being the boundary between the living and dead has shaped his outlook of the world.

Read here.

7) A Week In The Life: The Online Sex Worker Who Hates Her Body

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is an online sex worker in her early twenties. She talks about hating her body, the Nigerian factors like NEPA that affect her work, and her biggest fear of one day getting exposed.

Read here.

8) A Week In The Life: Jumia Delivery Agent By Day, Family Man By Night

The subject for today’s A Week In The Life is Micheal, a Jumia delivery agent. He walks us through combining being a delivery agent with fatherhood. The challenges of business in a pandemic and his plans for the future.

Read here.

9) A Week In The Life: A Tanker Driver Living Her Best Life

The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is Adeyemi, a tanker driver. She tells us about being a woman in a male-dominated field, dreaming big, and discovering herself through her job.

Read here.

10) “I Don’t Want People To Say I Eat Too Much”— A Week In The Life Of A House Help

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Mercy. She’s a house help in her early twenties. She talks about leaving home to come to Lagos, the difficulties of her job and how bosses can be mean to house helps.

Read here.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

December 22, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, hustle, money, most red, Nigeria
A Week In The Life Of A Fish Specialist Earning $5,000/Month

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a twenty-six-year-old fish specialist. He talks about making over $30,000 from selling fishes, how he stumbled on the business, the cruelty fishes face, and why he left paid employment.

MONDAY:

I quit my job today.

With everything going on this year, it just felt like the job was one more thing that wasn’t working because the company wasn’t offering me the growth I wanted. Even though I’m worried about the next step, I’m happy because I have a side hustle which involves exporting fishes alive as pets or for whatever use the person buying needs it for.

As a kid growing up, other people had televisions in their house, while we had an aquarium. Because my dad studied Fishery at the university, I learned a lot about fishes from a young age. The only downside was never having anyone to discuss them with — everyone looks at you weirdly when you bring up a conversation about fish. So, I turned to the internet where I started a community of over a thousand like-minded people. I’ll never forget the first time someone outside Nigeria offered to pay me $400 to send fishes to him. In my head, I was like does this guy know what the exchange rate is? Those were cute times because I’ve since gone on to make up to $12,000 in one sale, and $30,000 in the total sale — the profit margin is insane.

I buy fishes for $100 outside Lagos from fishermen who catch and kill them for sale. Fishes are only useful to fishermen when they’re dead, so I have to beg them to catch mine alive. Because there are many cruel methods fishermen use to catch fishes, this is usually a struggle for them. And many times, I have to buy a net and even build ponds by the rivers for them. I’ve heard that fishermen pour herbicides on the water to kill the fishes and then pack the dead bodies for sale. I’ve also heard some of them pour palm oil on the water and because of the viscosity — oil stays on the water —fishes can’t take in oxygen. When fishes take in “oiled water,” it blocks their gills making it impossible for them to extract oxygen from water so they die. Whenever I beg them not to employ regular tactics, they always look at me like I’m stupid because they can’t fathom what I’m using the fishes for.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that Nigeria is not even a place for a human being, talk less of a fish.

TUESDAY:

God will bless white people and they’ll go to heaven because they came to Nigeria, assessed our rivers and compiled a book about all the species of fishes in them. Published in the 80s, this book is one of those dusty, dog-eared books that has seen different regime changes in Nigeria. In the book, you’ll see how rivers are connected, the number of fishes in each river, and migration time table of these fishes. Just by reading the book, I know the time of the month and river to go search for a specific fish. All I have to do is go to the community with a picture to show the fishermen and speak small Yoruba. That’s the easy part.

The hardest part is transporting the fishes alive down to Lagos.

I have to beg the driver to pack the fishes in a certain way because if the water gets too hot, the fishes will die. I also have to beg for water to be changed at certain bus stops during the journey. It’s stressful in its own way not because of the cost of the fishes but because the people [fishermen, driver] I’m dealing with don’t know the value, so I literally have to teach them.

I don’t even want to get started on people at the airport. Those ones have no clue on how to handle my goods because they are running on vibes.

WEDNESDAY:

I’m exporting some fishes today so I’m making preparations. The basic things are oxygen, water and packaging boxes. Fishes are funny because some of them require little oxygen while others require a lot of oxygen. For the latter, I spray oxygen from my oxygen tank [used in hospitals] into their water. After that, I place the water into a bag which then fits into a styrofoam box, and we bind them for the journey ahead. During winter, I’d wrap the styrofoam box with a lot of newspapers to insulate against the cold. It’s a crude method, but it is what it is. Everything I’m doing is basically trial and error because there’s no rule book per se.

The internet has been helpful in helping me figure things out and it has also shown me that no matter how stupid you think what you write is, someone will find it useful. For me, I’m just glad that my passion is allowing me to connect and earn the kind of money I’d not earn on a regular day.

THURSDAY:

On this day last month, a Japanese man cheated me out of $6,000. My plan was that the money would be my safety net after quitting my 9-5. We had an agreement of $9,000 — $3000 for freight cost, and $6000 for the fishes. He ended up paying only the freight cost and leaving me in almost ₦2 million debt. Before this incident, I used to say Japanese people were the most trustworthy people in the world and that’s why I shipped without complete payment. When he blocked me on Instagram and stopped replying to my texts, e shock me.

The only reason I’m remembering is that I just got paid for another batch of fishes I sent, so I’m finally debt-free. I’m just thankful for friends who loaned me money during that period because I was as broke as a church rat.

Will I do it again? Yes. For me, it’s more than the money; it’s finding people who share the same passion with me. And that sense of community.

I didn’t start out looking for money, someone just told me they’d pay me to ship fishes and that’s how I stumbled into this business. The upside is that one shipment from this month already offset the loss from the Japanese guy. And I have another shipment in December. I’m not worried because I know that with at least $5000 profit a month, I won’t go hungry. Coupled with the fact that I’m also doing something I enjoy, it’s a win for me.

Whether I make money or not, I’ll always love fishes and I’ll always own an aquarium in my house to be gazing at them. Even though other people are worried about my unemployment, I know I’ll be fine at the end of the day. And if I’m not then it’s not the end.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

December 1, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, dollar, export, fish
“The Coastline of Nigeria Is Beautiful From the Sky” — A Week in the Life of a Pilot

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a pilot and businessman. He tells us about the challenges of aviation in Nigeria, the best part of being a pilot, and the importance of friends.

MONDAY:

Let me tell you one cool part about being a pilot — one time I was stuck in a club in Florida and some hot chicks asked me what I did for a living. I was like, “I’m a pilot.” And they go: “OMG, you’re a pilot? Do you fly planes? That’s so cool.” I was like: “There’s nothing special about being a pilot.” [laughs] “but I’ll take the compliment.” Saying I was a pilot at that moment was an icebreaker that led to the most amazing conversation. In hindsight, that was a good time, unlike today where I have to wake up by 5 a.m. because I have to go to work. I love my job, but I also like stress-free life.

I’m up early because I want to use the gym for 30 minutes. After which I have to get ready for work because the staff bus arrives at 6:30 a.m.

I stay in the office “compound” because I do a rotation called 6 and 6; that is, six weeks on and six weeks off. In my off time, I can decide to “kill” myself as long as I resurrect myself back to work. There’s an aviation rule that you must have an off day in every consecutive seven day week: If you work Monday to Saturday, you must rest on Sunday. The rule also states that pilots are not allowed to fly more than 8 hrs a day, 30 hrs in a week, 100 hrs a month. If I hit the 100hrs limit in 20 days, I’m going to sit around doing nothing for the next 10 days. And all this is still when I’m on the job for six weeks. My work gives me time because I alternate between free days and busy days.

I spend my six weeks off work in Lagos, and the six weeks on duty is split between Aberdeen and Port Harcourt. Every six months, pilots are expected to do an operational proficiency check [OPC] exam to evaluate their competence and depending on the aircraft, the tests are held in either the US, UAE or Aberdeen. I’m the training captain for my company, so for one week, company pilots come to fly with me in Aberdeen as part of the fulfilment of their OPC. When I’m not doing that, I start and end my day in Port Harcourt.

TUESDAY:

In Nigeria, we have two functional flying schools: one in Zaria and the other in Ilorin. The Zaria school used to be the biggest in Africa but now South Africa has overtaken it. Now, I always advise people to go to the US for aviation school. I may be biased because I went there, but I believe that there are so many flying schools to choose from and the system is pretty straight forward. This is minus the fact that Nigerian schools don’t have enough aircraft for students. I’ve heard of cases where because students didn’t get enough flying hours, they ended up spending two years for a one year program.

When you’re fresh out of aviation school in the US, the best place to fly is in Nigeria. In aviation, we rate experience with hours spent in the air. So instead of saying I have 20 years experience, you’ll say I have X number of hours. As a Nigerian, you’re at a disadvantage competing against Americans for spaces because you have neither experience [hours] nor the means to gain them. Unlike Nigeria where pilots are few, there are many pilots in America. Therefore, it’s easier to get a job and gain hours when you come back to Nigeria.

The only challenge is dealing with Nigerian factors. While my company doesn’t have the Nigerian factor, I’ve heard tales…

Another issue is overbooking tickets with the hope that Lagos traffic or some other thing will make people miss their flights. To be fair, airlines all over the world overbook, but these airlines compensate you if everyone shows up and you don’t have a seat. In Nigeria, you’ll hear them say: “Oga you came late,” even though you’d been sweating on the queue for the past two hours.

I was gisting with my friend one day, and he told me that most companies use aviation in Nigeria for money laundering. These days, I’m starting to agree.

WEDNESDAY:

I can tell you how beautiful the creeks of the Niger Delta is, or how beautiful the coastline of Nigeria is from the sky. Alternatively, I can tell you how scattered and horrible Lagos looks from above. If you want a fun fact, I’ll tell you how the Abuja airport is located in between two mountains. Seeing the world from above makes you admire nature and the creator. As one who admires art and artwork, I’m in love. Sometimes, I’m just looking, marinating and taking in a scene.

This job has also given me the opportunity to meet people from all over the world. One time my company was working with the United Nations, and I got to share a cockpit with almost everyone from different parts of the world. Without necessarily going to some places, I know about their culture, tradition and food. There’s the guy from Bali who described his house to me in detail alongside fun activities to do there. There’s also my friend from Singapore who talked about the food. I’m thankful for the knowledge. It’ll help me fit in better when I eventually decide to visit.

It’s hard not to love this job. Today, I’m telling a colleague that the best-kept secret about being a pilot is that the job is not as complicated as people think it is. Yes, you need to be relatively smart and intelligent to do it, but I don’t think it’s difficult. I’m probably saying this because I’ve been flying for 11 years, and I’ve witnessed many scenarios. I tell people that I don’t think pilots get paid for what we do. We get paid for what we may have to do. Every day a pilot takes off and lands without a problem is a good day. The day you lose an engine or your plane has a hydraulic problem — that is, shit hits the fan — is when you know who’s the real pilot and who has just been sitting there doing take-offs and landing. God no go shame us.

THURSDAY:

Due to the exchange rate in Nigeria, we earn at ₦365 but spend at ₦490. It’s unfortunate and it hurts me badly and that makes me broke.

Then there’s also the societal expectations of a pilot. Pilots earn good money, but I still find myself anxiously waiting for my paycheck. Somebody who earns less than I do probably looks up to me thinking my salary will set them up for life. The truth is that more money equals more problems. Apart from the extravagance that sets in when you have a higher disposable income, there’s pressure on all sides. Every uncle, aunty, cousin, nephew, friend of friend wants you to give them money. At the end of the day, if you’re not careful, you’ll find out that you’ve finished spending all that “big pay.”

Today, I’m counting my blessings. I’m grateful for what I have and what is yet to come.

FRIDAY:

In ten years time, I honestly don’t think I want to be actively flying. I hope that by that time, some of my current businesses have become million-dollar companies so I can go to the Bahamas, cross my legs and do something with my life.

I was telling some people that if you have another business that makes you a lot of money, you’ll suddenly start to see how dangerous this job is. One day someone will scare you and do one horrible landing or take off, then you’ll tell yourself, “I think it’s time to draw the curtains. It’s time to go.” For now, the pay is still distracting us.

I’m glad that today is Friday. I’m looking forward to getting off work, drinking Ciroc and having conversations with friends. After all, friends are part of the reason why we smile in this difficult world. I can’t imagine how lonely it’d be if I had no one to talk to about my wins, frustrations and even my dreams. It’s never lonely at the top if you have friends there with you.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 24, 2020

Hustle, Money

A week in the life of, aeroplane, aviation, moneylaundering, pilot
“I Don’t Want People To Say I Eat Too Much”— A Week In The Life Of A House Help

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Mercy. She’s a house help in her early twenties. She talks about leaving home to come to Lagos, the difficulties of her job and how bosses can be mean to house helps.

MONDAY:

Every day except Sunday, I wake up by 5 a.m. It takes me roughly one hour to have my bath, dress up and prepare to start my day. I live downstairs, and the family I’m working with stays upstairs. Before 6 a.m., I go upstairs, knock on their door, and they let me into their side of the house. And so my day begins.

The first thing I do is make breakfast. I have to ensure that before everyone wakes up, food is ready. Breakfast in this house is by 7:30 a.m. Sometimes, if I’m done making the food early, I’ll clean the house. Other times, I’ll do laundry. There’s a washing machine in the house, but there are some clothes [white shirts, nativewear] I prefer washing with my hand because the machine would spoil it.

Sometimes, if I’m hungry while preparing breakfast, I take out my own food and eat. Then I continue working. If I don’t feel like eating, I cover the food and continue with chores. Before 8 a.m., I’m usually done with anything chores and breakfast, so I go downstairs to rest.

Lunch is by 1:30 p.m, so I start preparing it by noon. We eat swallow for lunch because mummy says eating it at night won’t allow the food to digest. After lunch, if there’s no other work, I go back downstairs to rest.

By 4 p.m., I go upstairs to prepare supper, and I’m done under two hours. In the evening, we eat light food like beans or spag or potato. We also try to eat around 6 p.m. There’s nothing to do after I’m done cooking today, so I go downstairs for the last time. The next agenda is to have my bath and sleep.

TUESDAY:

I’m thinking about how staying alone downstairs is boring for me. I have nobody to talk to. I’m the only one downstairs, and nobody talks to me upstairs. It’s only when they want to send me on an errand that they talk to me.

I was using a phone that had Facebook. I used it to waste time whenever I was downstairs. But the other day, heavy rain came and I went upstairs to close their windows. By the time I got back to my room, rain had entered and soaked my bed, my phone, everything. That’s how the phone stopped working. I don’t think the phone can be able to on again. I just have one small phone I manage to make calls with.

Loneliness can make someone tired. There’s no one to talk to, no TV to distract you from your thoughts. There’s a TV in the house, but I don’t watch it because how can I say that I’m sitting in my oga’s parlour to watch TV? Even on Sunday, which is my day off, I still can’t do that.

I always remind myself to focus on the work that brought me to this house. I have to remember that I’m looking for something. If I work and exhaust myself, I won’t have time to be thinking too much. I’ll sleep immediately I land on my bed. It’s that afternoon boredom I need to work on because that’s when the thing bothers me the most. Though I don’t mind it much because I always remember to focus on my reason for being here.

WEDNESDAY:

I’m in Lagos because I have a plan for my life. I’m a hairdresser; I used to make hair very well. It’s just that I never had money to open my own shop, so I decided to drop out of secondary school and do any job to raise shop money. I was supporting myself through secondary school with the business, and it was barely enough. When I now enter university where it’s harder to combine work and school, how do I want to survive?

There’s no support from home like that. We are six in our family, so whose education will they pay for? That’s why I dropped out in SS 2 to look for money. Let me start my own business. Maybe it can help my future.

It’s not like I’m even perfect in housework. I just know that nothing is hard as long as you put your mind to it. So I spoke to an agent that I needed work. He asked me what kind? I said anyone that’s available. He gave me some options, and I chose housework.

House girl work favours me because I’m not a Lagos girl. I’m a Hausa girl who came to Lagos. If I’m doing work that requires me to enter buses, I can’t survive. Back home in Taraba state, I used to stay indoors. This Lagos that I came, I didn’t tell my parents until I landed.

I like Taraba state because everything is peaceful and the food is plenty. I miss eating fresh yam, fresh corn, groundnut stew. The only bad thing there is there’s no money. The jobs there don’t pay like in Lagos. If I was still in Taraba and someone told me to do house girl, I won’t lie to you, I won’t be able to do it. Me that I was living with my parents and they were feeding me. But since I’ve left home, nobody is feeding me or giving me money, so I have to do the work.

Every day my mum is always crying for me to come because Lagos life is different. She’s always saying that people from the north are dying in Lagos, and they don’t know why. She’s like if I don’t take care in Lagos, she’s not sure I’ll still be a human being.

I keep telling her that I can’t come back home without money. I don’t want to go back home and someone will insult me that I left home and didn’t make anything. I call her at least two times a week so she can be hearing my voice. Today, after work, I plan to call her. I just pray that I don’t sleep off because I’m feeling tired.

THURSDAY:

The hardest part of being a house girl is being patient. Every job requires some level of patience if you want to get something from it. Another thing is that you must accept that the work will be hard. If it’s not hard, why will my madam bring someone to help her?

You need to have the mind to do house girl work. The reason is that when you’re working for someone, even if something is right and they say it’s not, you have to accept. If the person gets you angry, you can’t show it. If they say you should do something you don’t agree with, you must do it.

I have come to realise that in Lagos, many people who are oga or madam treat house girls like slaves. They talk to you anyhow, and if you try to explain yourself, they’ll say you don’t have manners. Some ogas will call you and on your way to meet them they’ll shout: “I called you since; why didn’t you answer me on time?” When you’re doing a chore, they’ll complain you’re doing it slowly. They take you like you don’t know anything and control you.

You can’t get angry or take the shouts seriously because you can’t get money easily, and to make money you have to suffer. That one is a normal thing.

I like the current family I’m with. They’re nice to me — nobody shouts at me or makes me do stuff I don’t like. I’ve only been in their house for two months, so I’m praying that it remains sweet till whenever I leave. Some people will be nice when you’re new, and when you’ve been in the house for long, they’ll show you a different character.

These people take me like I’m their family member. Everything they eat, I must eat. The mum is so nice. When she buys fruit, she’ll be like, “Mercy, don’t think that the fruit is for only mummy and daddy oh, you can eat out of it.”

Me, I’m scared of eating oh. Especially when I’m new. I don’t want people to say I’m eating eating eating or I’m finishing their food.

These people don’t care if you eat, eat, eat. They’ll say take this if you want to eat. I thank God for blessing me with this very very nice family where no one is shouting at me.

FRIDAY:

I miss my family. I miss my brothers and sisters. I miss the life I had there before I came to Lagos. Today, I’m thinking about how in Taraba, I just sleep and sleep. In the afternoon, my friends would call me for us to go out — we used to go out every day.

If someone had supported me, I’d have stayed back to graduate because I really like school. I just had to leave home. At a point, while I was at home, my uncle was starting to talk about marriage. The only thing my north people know is marriage, marriage, marriage. You’ll see a young girl like this, and she’s married. Me I’m not that kind of person. Many of them even end up going back to their parent’s house, so what’s the rush?

When you marry young, you don’t even get to know yourself. I tried to explain this to my uncle, but he was just choking me with questions: “Do you have a fiance? Do you know you’re getting old?” Me that I’m just 22.

I want to have my own business so when I’m married, things will not be hard for me. In this life, if you don’t have money, you’re a dry person. Money stops rubbish.

How old am I to be thinking of marriage? Right now, all I’m focusing on is my future.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 10, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, Housemaid, houshelp, hustle
“Men Try To Take Advantage Of Me” – A Week In The Life Of A Female Bouncer

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is Tope. She’s a bouncer and she talks about the stereotypes she faces at work, advances from men, and how difficult it is to be a bouncer during COVID.

MONDAY:

I woke up today thinking about the situation in Nigeria and I’m not happy. How is it possible that a graduate like me is still struggling?

I used to work as a secretary, but the money was not enough, so I got a security job. But Corona came, events got cancelled, and I was back to square one, back to struggling to make ends meet. The only good thing that came out of this mess is that I lost weight.

When Corona started and there were no security jobs, I decided to lose some weight. I shed weight [through anaerobic exercises like jumping] to avoid health issues and because I was starting to look older than my peers. I’d be going on the road with my friends and people would be asking if I was their aunty. Who’s your aunty, please?

At first, some people were worried that slimming down would affect my job. Me, I wasn’t. Although many bouncers have big bodies, the job requires intelligence — How can I assess a situation for threats? How can I prevent a situation from escalating? Things like that.

I was also banking on the fact that the name I had made in the industry would cover me. At least, some people knew me based on my past services. If all failed, my back up plan was to get hired as an ambassador for weight loss and I’d quit security. However, that hasn’t happened. Yet.

That’s why I’m here on a Monday morning thinking about my life. I need to shake off these thoughts so that my day can fully start.

TUESDAY:

What do you remember about your first day at your current job?

I remember being very passionate. My first boss was not harsh, so that made things easy for me. As a first-timer, I was put in charge of vendors at a wedding. My job was to prevent guests from going to the vendor’s side especially when they wanted to use the restroom. However, I had this one guest who gave me a tough time. After politely explaining why she could not pass, she threatened to slap me. She got so angry that I had to call my boss to save me. I was just quiet throughout her shouting because we are not allowed to talk back.

After the party, my boss commended me on how well I handled the incident. That’s how my confidence grew. I also got a mentor that gave me orientation for this job — he told me what to do, how to handle different types of guests and just general advice. One time, people were jealous because I used to get a lot of jobs, so he advised me to stop posting on social media and drawing attention to myself. He told me that as long as the right people knew me, I was fine. It’s been two years since I last posted about my job.

Another time, when people were spreading rumours about me sleeping with men for jobs, his belief in me was what kept me going. Every time I wanted to quit, he’d encourage me to stay. It is because of my mentor that I’m still on track in this job.

I’m remembering all this because I’m frustrated today. A job I was supposed to go for got cancelled. Corona is really spoiling things.

Let me go and talk to my mentor, maybe I’ll feel better.

WEDNESDAY:

When people hear bouncers, they think we’re fighters or troublemakers. That’s not true. A lot of our job involves brain and not brawn. Because we’re meant to keep the peace at events, we try not to employ violence that can scatter everything. You’ll never see a bouncer shocking [with a taser] someone at an event because that will scare everybody. Instead, we’re always calculating the best way to resolve issues without making a scene.

Another misconception people have is that we’re uneducated, and that’s why people look down on us. Or talk to us anyhow. In reality, a lot of us are educated. It’s just condition. At least, the job is far better than sitting at home doing nothing. I’ve come to accept that there’s no job without its own challenges.

I know that this job is not permanent for me. It’s until I find something better or further my studies. I finished from Yabatech and I still want to go to university, but it’s not easy combining this work with looking for admission. I’m just praying that it’ll come through.

Today, I won’t even kill myself thinking about these things because this life is one. I plan to spend the rest of my day relaxing.

THURSDAY:

One thing about this job is that I get a lot of advances. At work, I hear things like: “Wow, female bouncer. I’ve never seen a female bouncer before, and I like the way you’re kitted. I like your stature and all that.” Most times, it’s from men who are trying to take advantage of me. In their head, they see bouncers as poor people. They believe that if they promise me little things, I’ll fall for them. They want to use you while not doing anything for you.

The ones that don’t want to take advantage of me want me to quit my job. I’ve heard men say: “Ah, you’re doing a security job? No oh, you must quit.” The problem is that their head is not correct. Why would they tell me to quit? Did they provide an alternative for me?

In this life, nobody can feed you. Only if the person is your husband or your relative. Even still, it’s only after you have become somebody that people will appreciate you. I know that I can’t leave this job because of anyone. Unless I personally decide that I want to leave it. Because I’m not doing it for anyone.

You don’t like my job; can you provide me with a better one? If you can’t do that, bye-bye.

FRIDAY:

Today, I’m thinking about how tough the Corona period has been for me. For the first time, I can count how many jobs I have in a week. This is rare. Around this time [October] last year, I was fully booked until January of the next year. By now, I’d even be referring people for work. I’m just putting my faith in God that these last few months will be better. It’s looking like this year is for us to just thank God for life.

Corona is even favourable to people doing office work because, at the end of the month, something [salary] will still come in. For us, no work, no money. If you’re sick for one year, you’ll not get any money. The hustle is hard. One time, I had bad cramps and still had to show up at work. My boss was kind enough to put me on toilet duty where I wouldn’t be stressed. I was just standing and stretching throughout that event. There are no days off here.

During this Corona period, I started selling coconut oil and that’s what has been sustaining me. On the side, I also sell kits and equipment to bouncers as an extra source of income.

I’m just looking for the opportunity to leave Nigeria. Even if it’s just for one day. If I hustle the way I’m hustling here abroad, I’ll see changes. We don’t value our security in Nigeria. People look at you like, who are you?

I’m also looking forward to getting married to a very good person while I have a very good job. Someone that will support all my dreams. At the end of the day, I’m just looking for a better life. I can do any work. As far as money will come out.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

October 6, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, bouncer, hustle, security
“Border Closure Is Only Enriching People” – A Week In The Life Of A Smuggler

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today is Mr M, a businessman and smuggler. He talks about the risk involved in his job, how bribes affect the prices of goods, and his hope to diversify his source of income.

MONDAY:

I wake up with my heart beating very fast. I calm myself down by taking deep breaths. In my dream, I bought large quantities of rice from smugglers who evaded border patrol. Immediately after paying them, customs officers came in and seized the rice. All my money, gone.

God forbid.

This smuggling business is risky — you risk your money, your property and your life. However, if it goes well, it can be highly profitable. Risk varies depending on the part of the smuggling chain you’re in. We have the drivers, who convey the goods from point A to B. These ones risk their lives because they drive at breakneck speeds to avoid being caught. We also have people called crossers. Their job is to ensure that goods successfully cross from point A to B. This involves making “arrangements” with the right officials along a particular route. They risk their time and money because, sometimes, after making all the plans, goods are still seized. Most times, this is due to an unforeseen circumstance like oga from Abuja is around or your money for that day has expired. Then, we have businessmen like me. I own the goods, the cars, and I pay both the drivers and crossers, so I risk everything.

In Nigeria, any profitable business comes with a lot of risks. One of the worst things that can happen is when the car and the goods are seized.

Again, God forbid.

I’m done with overthinking this early morning. I’m going back to bed.

TUESDAY:

Thankfully, there are no bad dreams today. I spend some time thinking about how far I’ve come in this business. I started out as a cab driver and then moved into conveying rice from the border into Nigeria. Then, I gathered some cash and became a businessman who’d buy from people coming from the Seme border.

Going to the border is a very desperate and dirty job. You can be there for three to five days, sometimes for two weeks and they [customs] may not allow you to pass. As if that’s not bad enough, there are so many processes involved in a single trip.

The crosser will go-ahead to do the bookings and negotiations. They’ll negotiate a rate with the officers based on the number of cars that are expected to pass through. Because you don’t pay immediately, the next step is getting a tag that drivers present at the checkpoint. We use the tags to know the exact amount of cars to pay for. This is useful in cases where your car doesn’t pass through their checkpoint. I’ve had cases where we booked one checkpoint, but because the officers were fighting with the next checkpoint, they didn’t allow us to pass. Or, you’ll hear that special patrols are monitoring so everyone is playing safe and not allowing cars pass. That way, we don’t pay for services not provided.

We have people that we call antennas. These are bike men that we pay between ₦3000 — ₦5000/day to be on the lookout for what we call “strange Hiluxes.” These are officers outside of the ones you’ve booked. We mount these antennas at bus stops, and their job is to inform us when they see strange vehicles. They communicate with each other especially in cases where they are trying to get a clear picture of who’s inside the car.

You’ll also book [pay] hunters and any other person you think can delay you on the road because you can’t afford any delay while driving.

I tell people that officers are the cause of increased prices of food. All these payments and bookings are added to the cost of rice. From the border, a bag of rice costs ₦13,500, yet as the direct supplier, I buy for ₦24,000. After I add my profit when reselling, it becomes ₦25,000. By the time the market trader adds their profit and cost of transportation, it becomes ₦27,000. On and on it goes until it gets to the final consumer.

Nobody needs to tell me that we’re in trouble in this country.

WEDNESDAY:

For this job, we build our own cars so they can withstand the load of goods. We change the spring of the car and tyre — we use cargo tyres for trucks.

The way you’ll drive a loaded and empty built car differs. For a loaded built car, you can run at a particular speed because that’s when the shock absorbers will work. The car will balance well. However, when you offload the goods, it becomes so light that when you’re climbing anything, you’ll just be hearing gboa! gboa!

Some smuggling cars are built for the forest, and their raising is different from the ones built for the express. It’s hard to recognise the cars built for the express because of how neat they usually are. Some drivers even use those ones to do shakara and carry their girlfriends. However, there are some that are God forbid after offloading. You can’t drive them because of how high they get.

I’m going to spend a large part of my day inspecting the car a mechanic built for me. I sent him some samples, and I’m just hoping that he hasn’t done rubbish.

THURSDAY:

If you ask ten drivers the toughest part of this job, they’ll tell you that it’s the risk. As a driver, you’re always racing against time. I’ve seen too many accidents in this job.

One time, one Hilux was pursuing my driver. As he got to the front, road safety people had blocked the road. So, he decided to climb the culvert and that’s how his tyre burst. He lost control of the car and entered the bush. They tracked the trail of his car and still confiscated the goods.

Another time, I was following another driver whose tyre burst while at high speed. He lost control and entered into the bush. Thank God we were able to rescue the person. All these even happened when things were still “normal.” Unlike now where everywhere is strict.

These days, imported rice is now as restricted as drugs, so we can’t even afford any delay in transit. As the rice is getting to us from the border, we are loading it into vehicles that are taking it straight for sale. In the past, we’d store them at home and load at our own pace, but we don’t have that grace anymore.

You can’t even keep a bag of rice at home because customs are now bursting into houses. I know of someone that they broke into his house to seize two bags of rice.

All this has made we business owners instruct our drivers to move fast. Like today, one of my antennas told me that one strange Hilux was headed my way. So, I instructed my drivers that they had only one hour to move my goods from point of collection to point of sale. They have only one job: don’t get caught.

I know that this can increase the chances of an accident, but it is what it is.

FRIDAY:

Today, I can’t stop thinking about how easy it is for this business to cease. There are three things the government can do to end us totally: they can impose free duty on these imported goods so that it’s accessible to everyone. This eliminates the need for smuggling and bribes that increase the price of these goods. If there’s competition, the prices will become so cheap for everyone.

They can also subsidise the cost of buying the goods. That way, the government can even regulate the price across board. If it’s government-approved, there will be no hiding and there’ll be no need for smugglers.

They can also do proper enforcement. This way, even if you bring in half plastic of rice, they’ll come for you. This one will require a combination of army and customs officer. Customs guys can’t shoot like that but if you try to do anyhow, army will show you pepper.

Anyhow sha, banning without proper enforcement is where we see our own money because of scarcity. The government is just wasting their time with border closure and enriching people. During border closure, rice went from ₦11,500 per bag to ₦27,500. Some people move as many as 500 bags every week. Imagine the gain per week. There’s no price regulation, so you can sell at any price you want. Even the customs officers and the military men have joined the business because of how profitable it is.

I’m going to spend my day thinking about other sources of income. I know that this will not last forever. This is the kind of business that you use to raise capital for another business. It’s not something to do for long. Even though I can’t stop wondering: what business can someone do in this Nigeria that will even fetch good money?

Editor’s note: Name and details changed to protect the identity of the subject. Mr M is a graduate and he says unemployment led him to this job.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

September 22, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, army, Border closure, Customs, Nigeria, smuggler
A Week In The Life: The Eye Doctor Who Doesn’t See Herself Practising For Long

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is an optometrist. She debunks the myth that glasses correct eyesight, she gives us tips for healthy eyesight and tells us why she doesn’t see a future for herself in her profession.

MONDAY:

These days, I don’t have a fixed time to wake up because it depends on when I sleep. And I sleep at any time because I’m presently in-between jobs. However, on most days, when I sleep at midnight, I wake up by 7 am.

Today, when I wake up at 7, the first thing I do is try to plan my day. If I was working, I’d have woken up by 5:30 am 0r 6:00 am so as to beat Lagos traffic. Thankfully, those days are behind me.

As an optometrist, a typical clinic day involves assessing patients. A patient comes in and you do a comprehensive eye test. You take patient history, examine the patient’s eyes with a pen torch or an ophthalmoscope (this helps to check the back of the eyes). Then, depending on the patient’s complaints, signs and symptoms (redness of eyes or an injury, or disease), you’d either first treat those symptoms or refract the patient.

Refracting the patient means checking the lens power that’s suitable for the patient to see well. And to find out what the patient can also tolerate because you can give a powerful lens that makes the patient see really well but they aren’t comfortable with it. They can’t walk because the ground either appears too high or low. Or the lens gives them a headache. Many times, we have to reduce the clarity to make the patients feel comfortable. For example, for patients who don’t read, there’s no point refracting them to the highest clarity especially if it makes them uncomfortable with their environment. So, I ask patients their occupation to determine what kind of lens to give them.

All these things don’t matter for now. My major goal for today is to structure my day in a way that’s productive. But before I continue thinking, I need to eat. I don’t want to faint over anything.

TUESDAY:

Yesterday was productive, but today, not so much. I’ve spent a large part of today daydreaming. Like now, I’m remembering one patient that was brought to the clinic by his parents. An 8-year-old boy who, according to his father, was very stubborn. One day, while the dad was flogging the boy, the cane mistakenly touched the child’s eye. On examination of the eye, we realised that the lens had changed position. That is, the lens was no longer in its normal place.

When we checked the eye pressure, it was 50 something and normal eye pressure is between 10-21 mmHg. The boy had already lost his vision. To preserve what was left of the eye, we referred the boy for emergency surgery. Even after the surgery, his sight never returned.

On days like this, I can’t help but imagine how the father feels. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive himself. Does he wonder that perhaps if he had controlled his anger, his son would still have two functional eyes?

I’m starting to think myself into sadness again. I’m going to sleep and try to restart my day after I wake up.

WEDNESDAY:

People are funny sha. Today, a friend texted me asking for “free” tips to take care of his eyes. The person didn’t even offer money for consultation but because I’m nice, I told him some things.

The fundamental rule is that you shouldn’t put just anything in your eye. Also, if you use makeup regularly and realise that you are allergic to a particular product, it’s advisable to discontinue it. For people with a family history of glaucoma (not everyone might know), it’s advisable to go to an eye clinic once every year. This is to help in early detection and control of the disease because it has no cure. Glaucoma causes nerve damage in the eyes, which can’t be restored when lost, so early detection is the best bet to slowing its progression.

People who stare at computers all day are advised to practise the 20-20-20 rule. That is, for every 20 minutes, you should look at something 20 feet (Editor’s note: 20 feet is as tall as a giraffe or about two and a half times as tall as an artificial Christmas tree) away for 20 seconds. The computer is always in your face, therefore you should look away at intervals.

If that isn’t possible, then the next step should be anti-reflective lenses. These help to reduce the strain on the eye because of the light from the screens of computers. Additionally, for UV light, sunglasses are recommended for everyone because UV light can cause a lot of damage to the eye. A lot of people think that sunglasses are for fashion but you’re actually protecting your eyes by wearing them.

The most important tip I gave him was that people shouldn’t wait until there’s a problem before visiting the clinic. People should try to check their eyes regularly once a year and shouldn’t see it as a waste of money. Especially in cases like glaucoma (also known as the silent thief of sight), where you wouldn’t detect it until it’s too late.

I should have charged him for the consultation. Another time will come.

THURSDAY:

One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that glasses are meant to fix your eyesight. They are not.

For issues like myopia/short-sightedness (where you can’t see things that are far away) what happens is that images meant to be formed on the retina are formed in front of it. In hyperopia/farsightedness (where you can’t see close images), the image is formed at the back of the retina. While there are many reasons why this happens, the common symptom is that vision at this point is blurry.

So, how will a piece of glass change how your eyes are? What glasses do is that they manipulate the light coming into your eyes to fall on the retina so that you can see clearly. A child’s prescription changes because their eyes are developing. Even for adults, their eyes sometimes change. It doesn’t mean that glasses cure you; they just help. It’s like saying wheelchair cures paralysis, it doesn’t. It’s only an aid. Some of these conditions are progressive so most people have to change their glasses every two years. Other times, it’s regressive so you also need to adjust your lens accordingly.

Factors like diabetes and hypertension also affect vision. If your blood sugar shoots up, there can be sudden blurred vision. There are times patients complain about blurry vision, and I ask them to check their blood sugar. Some say the range is high, so I don’t give them anything because once the blood sugar level comes down, the refractive index (how fast light enters the eye) changes and the lens is wasted. In cases like that, the solution is usually to get their blood sugar under control.

The issue of glasses needing a change every time is not our fault. The refractive state of your eyes can change at any time. And because the glasses are for only one state, the glasses will have to be changed when the refractive state changes.

This is what I spent my whole day doing: convincing someone that optometrists aren’t out to cheat them.

FRIDAY:

Optometry struggles as a profession in Nigeria because it’s not well known and the pay is low. A lot of people come to the eye clinic and don’t even know what optometry is. They just refer to me as an eye doctor. For people that even know, they don’t really understand the scope of what the job entails. Every time I tell someone I’m an optometrist, I have to explain what I do.

Having to explain all the time can be tiring. I think one of the reasons optometry is not really known is because, in Nigeria, we have over 170 universities and only about seven offer optometry. Even people who attended schools offering the course with me still don’t know what we are doing.

One time, a patient asked if I was an optometrist or an ophthalmologist, and I had to explain the difference. Then the person was like: “Why would you spend 6 years on that? Why didn’t you just go for ophthalmology instead?” For people like me who didn’t choose it as a first choice, it’s always very hurtful. It’s like a reminder that I made a mistake when it’s not the reality.

Another thing is that in clinical practice, there is no clear hierarchy like in medicine where you can become a consultant and charge some kind of money. We don’t have that option. There’s not a lot of difference between someone who has been working for the past 20 years and someone who has been working for 5. You don’t have much to make you invaluable. You can’t even threaten to leave because there’s a newer, younger replacement for you.

Today, I can’t help but imagine my ideal future — a satisfying job where I feel like I’m making a difference in the world. It also involves having my own family and living a quiet life.

Editor’s note: The images used were taken randomly from the internet as the subject wanted anonymity.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

September 8, 2020

Money

A week in the life of, hustle, optometrist, professional
A Week In The Life: My Love For Talking Saves Me From Practicing Medicine

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is a doctor currently waiting for his youth service. He talks about choosing not to practice medicine, discovering his love for entertainment, and why he shows up every day.

MONDAY:

On most days, I typically wake up by 8 am but I don’t stand up from the bed until 9 am. I’m currently in the phase between finishing my mandatory house job program and waiting for NYSC so I have some ‘free’ time. I say ‘free’ because the coronavirus and the lockdown are delaying me from going to NYSC camp. All I can do is wait patiently for the government to say something. Anything at all. Even if it’s that they cancelled the 3 weeks orientation camp so that I can just start NYSC and move on with my life. However, since they aren’t saying anything, I’m trying to make the best use of this period.

This period is depressing for me in two ways: Firstly, because there are no events happening, I can’t host shows. I can’t entertain and make people happy as I normally would. I’m a master of ceremonies and I enjoy making people happy and shutting down shows. Secondly, because of the lockdown, I can’t go for service, so this makes me feel stuck. To prevent idleness, I’ve gotten a remote job as a health consultant on an app. where I interact with patients and give health tips. I’ve also started hosting some radio and TV shows as an in-house doctor where I talk about common sports injuries. Additionally, I’ve also dived into content creation for my social media and Youtube channels.

Today, after sorting out food and running some errands, I’m going to focus on creating content for those channels. I plan to finish today but if I can’t, I’ll roll it over to tomorrow. Whatever happens, I must be done creating by Tuesday evening because Wednesdays through Fridays are for shooting videos. I really can’t wait to see what I come up with.

TUESDAY:

I didn’t finish creating content yesterday so I’m continuing today. Even though I appreciate that I have time to do what I love, I’m starting to consider getting a proper 9 -5. Only my remote job pays me a salary and that’s barely sustaining me these days. For now, the television and radio gigs I’m doing are mostly out of passion and not because of money. If it was because of the money, I’d have quit a long time ago.

I once swore that I could no longer practise clinical medicine but these days, as things are getting tighter, I’m starting to entertain the thought. In the past, when I hear anything clinically related, I’d just turn off like engine. When my classmates advertise locum jobs, I’d un-look. However, these days I find myself asking if I’m sure that I don’t need that extra ₦5,000. Now, I look at job opportunities and feel bad for not taking it. I just hope it doesn’t reach the stage where I’ll have to take one of these jobs because I have no interest at all. I need to shake off these thoughts and focus. Pre-COVID, I’d not have been bothered because I always had an event every other weekend and that made me enough money to keep pushing it.

I’m doubling down on creating my content plan today because tomorrow is shoot day. I have to make sure that everything is good to go. In the middle of this, I also plan to cook my favourite food of Jollof rice and white beans because, at the end of the day, I can’t kill myself.

WEDNESDAY:

I’m up early today because my show starts by 8:30 am. I have my bath, get ready, and quickly rush down to the radio station. My show ends by 9:30 am and once I’m done, I head over to shoot my videos. I work with a management team for the videos so they handle all the production and heavy lifting. After all the stress of the shooting is done, we take pictures, play games and just chill.

I’ve had an extremely productive day.

THURSDAY:

Today, I’m not going anywhere so that I can save my t-fare. Money is tight so I have to plan my outings well. I’m reminiscing about how much I miss being an M.C and t’s funny how I got started on this path.

In my final year of medical school, I was confused about what to do with my life so I started asking around. I was sure that I didn’t want clinical medicine but I didn’t know what I wanted. Luckily, I read a book by Teju Babyface – Secrets Of The Streets and that motivated me to explore this path. In the book, Teju listed characteristics of an MC and I fit the description perfectly. However, it was still not an easy journey because coming from my medical background to entertainment was hard. It was difficult to find people with a similar background. Thankfully, I met a mentor called Dr Hakeem who put me through. He took me around and taught me the ropes of the business and I’m forever indebted to him.

I’ll never forget the first big event I hosted which was a wedding. After a while doing free shows and ₦10,000 – ₦30,000 shows, I decided to shoot my shot and charge ₦100,000 for a wedding. In my mind, I was like they’d price me down to ₦30,000 and I’d still kill the show. I remember the groom saying that the price was too much but he could only afford ₦75,000. I put on a straight face along with big English. I was like “this is below my usual rate but because of the circumstance under which we met and who introduced you, I’ll do it. I consider you family.” But in my head, I was asking myself who sent me message. Immediately, the groom left like this, I called my mentor [Dr Hakeem] to cry on the phone that I had bitten more than I could chew. That I overpromised even though I’d never hosted a wedding alone before. He ended up calming me down and coaching me on what to do. From the day they paid my fee till the wedding, I couldn’t sleep because I kept on asking myself who sent me message. I’m sure that my blood pressure went up during that period.

To further worsen things, my final year medical exams were moved to the weekend of the wedding. Exams in medical school are split into one week of theory and one week of practical/oral exams. Initially, the wedding was supposed to be two days after my final exams and that’s why I took it. Then, exams got moved by a week so the wedding fell on the weekend after the theory exam and just before the practical exam.

I couldn’t sleep and I also couldn’t refund the money because I had spent it. It was like my village people were out to finally get me.

Somehow, I found a way to do it. Immediately after my last theory exam for that week[on a thursday], I started preparing for the wedding which was on that Saturday. I had barely one day to do all of the runnings. At the wedding, I was so scared because my mind kept on going back to my books. My mates were studying for exam while I was jumping up and down. I remember that I wore a grey suit that was soaked with sweat. Not from the jumping, but out of fear. At the end of the day, I did the wedding, killed it, and ran back to school to continue studying. To add to my win, I passed my exam in one sitting which also shocked a lot of people.

I learned a valuable lesson from that incident- If you don’t try some things, you’ll never know what can come out from it. You just need to be brave. I think that lesson is part of why I’m still pushing it during this period even though things are not so smooth.

All this thinking is exhausting, I’m going to spend the rest of the day doing what I truly love, which is sleeping. Tomorrow, I go again.

FRIDAY:

I’m on my way to the studio this morning. I have a show on T.V from 10 – 11 am. After that, I’m going on the radio by 11 am where I’m going to talk about sports injuries. I do all these because my end goal is to combine these skills into opening a media house focused on health communications. The space is relatively untapped and I hope to be a pioneer. Since I have no plans to leave the country, this is my way of showing up. I’m hopeful that everything will add up and by the time I’m forty, I’ll be close to achieving that reality.

It’s scary sometimes thinking about it because, at the end of the day, na money be fine bobo. All these things must translate to living a comfortable life. At least let me be able to sustain my family and plan. The world is moving away from certificates to talents – If I can keep putting in the hard work, taking short courses, creating relationships, and learning from people, I’m sure that it’ll pay off. It also helps that I am very fluid. I might have dreams that are in pillars but they are not fixed. If something comes up tomorrow and based on available information, I feel that’s the next step that’ll benefit me, I’ll dive into it.

For now, all I can do is control the present.

As at today, I’m just praying that the government re-opens event centres. Abeg, let events just come back. Even if they give me mic say make I stand for road dey shout. I go take am. I have missed events – That dressing up, looking good, having fun and collecting money. I’ve missed it so much and it has affected me.

I can’t wait for things to return to normal.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

August 18, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, doctor, emcee, hustle, MC
A Week in the Life of ‘Agba’, the Entertainer Who’d Rather Be Rich Than Famous

“A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is Olubiyi Oluwatobiloba, an entertainer popularly known as ‘Agba’ of Konibaje baby fame. He tells us about the good and bad side of fame, his creative process, and his exit plan when skits are no longer sustainable.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_AeAxWDw3Y/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

MONDAY:

I repeat the same pattern when I wake up every morning – I say a prayer. Then, I play old school highlife music or The Weeknd. I allow the music to set my mood for the day. After that, I watch TV for a bit, then I look for something to eat. After eating, I sleep like a mad person.

The only difference in my routine today is that I have to create video content for some brands. Some people call it influencing, but the term “influencer” makes me feel somehow because I’m just having fun. I do this to make people happy and to make them smile. My brand started off the back of a video I made on Twitter. It was in the comments section someone advised me to take the character to Instagram and that’s how I started. In addition to that comment, seeing people’s review of that particular video just made me do more. It all started with just making videos for fun.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzli-S5FdOi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

However, what started out as fun and cruise caught the attention of big people and companies, so there’s now a serious part. At the end of the day, I make sure that I don’t put pressure on myself. The only time I feel the pressure is if I drop content back to back for like two weeks and I have writer’s block the next week or two. That’s only when I get bothered. Anyway, it’s all cruise. I enter anywhere and just try to have fun.

I’m going to alternate the rest of my day between sleeping and making videos.

TUESDAY:

People are always surprised when they meet me outside of character – Tobi, not Agba – I think what shocks them is how chill I am. When I’m out with my friends, I take the back seat and allow them to tell all the jokes while I just observe. From watching them, I even get some material for my skits. As much as people think I am outgoing, I actually enjoy spending time with myself.

When I want to be by myself, I read and watch the biographies of famous people. Their rise and fall, what they did wrong or right, what happened to them. I find it fascinating learning about people I loved growing up, and it also serves as a guide for me. As an entertainer, the same people who praise you today will attack you tomorrow. There was a time I posted a video on Twitter and someone came into my Dm’s saying I wasn’t funny and I was doing too much. The next week, this same person was on the timeline talking about how funny I was. That incident made me realize that people are wired funny. On one hand, I now understand that these people are not really my friends. We are just cosy over the internet. On the other hand, I have met some of the best people in my life through the internet: people that I never thought we’d talk. Finding that balance between being a person[your true friends] and an entertainer[internet friends] is important.

Today, I’m watching a documentary on Nina Simone to understand her life and actions. It’s better to learn from other people than from real life.

WEDNESDAY:

I was telling my friends today that I’ll rather be rich than be famous. I am not anywhere yet but I appreciate the love I get. The other day, I went to buy bread and someone was shouting that I should have worn Agbada to buy bread. Are they telling me that I can’t just come out to buy bread and Akara again?

I also can’t contribute to certain topics on Twitter, and this was not my reality two years ago. These days, I have to consider my brand and future deals before saying anything.

At the stage I’m at, I’d rather have money so that I can gather my life because I can’t do skits forever. A time will come when it’s no longer viable and I must evolve if I want to remain relevant. I don’t want much: I’m okay as long as I am living fine and my family is doing well. I am doing this to lay the foundation for the future. Very soon, I’ll jaapa to Finland or Denmark so I won’t have any pressure to create content.

There’s no use thinking about these things, I’m going to play FIFA to distract myself.

THURSDAY:

If you ask me about my creative process, it’s like this: I get inspiration from looking at Twitter and based on the mood there, I make content. Also, I could be watching Big Brother Naija and I’ll just see something funny no one else is seeing and crack a joke out of it. Sometimes, I’m watching CNN and Trump says something ridiculous, I’ll be baffled that how can he say this? Then I’ll make satire out of it.

Another underrated source for me is BISCON TV – Bisi Olatilo show. That’s where I draw inspiration about Yoruba culture from. It’s fun just watching dignitaries singing, dancing and having fun. It even inspired my joke about going to a wedding and no one ever listening to the father of the groom addressing pẹople. If you watch BISCON TV, you’ll see shit like that.

Nobody dey ever listen to speech at Naija reception.

Father of the bride : I'm delighted to be…

Guest : E FUN WA L'AMALA MARUN NÍ IBI O!
— ÀGBÀ (@Oli_Ekun) July 4, 2020

Nowadays, I try to make my content less sexual because my parents watch my skits. The reason I can even make skits is that they gave me the grace to be outspoken; they allowed me to express myself. I talk about sex in my videos because I find the Yoruba terms for sex to be hilarious, however, my parents advised me to focus more on the funny side. So, that’s what I try to do now.

At the end of the day, it’s still a win for me because it helps with the brand. The best part of all this is being able to use all of this to bamboozle and befuddle my girlfriend[haha]. Sometimes, she’s my muse. For example, if she sends pictures, I can just enter Agba mode to gas her and show her one or two. O ti ye eh. It’s one of those things.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CB1VV81jnh8/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

FRIDAY:

The day John Boyega called me was crazy. To quote my babe, she was like “Tobi, your Twitter followers are mad people.”

@Oli_Ekun you’re up!
— John Boyega (@JohnBoyega) May 10, 2020

I was asleep and people kept calling me. I remember my friend called me twice and I grudgingly picked on his second try. He started shouting that John Boyega was calling me on Twitter to make a video in Yoruba for him.

I jumped up immediately. Ji! ma sun.

The thing is that when famous people reach out, it’s always for work. So, I don’t get time to be starstruck. I don’t have that luxury. Even when I get to meet them in person and I sometimes get to play FIFA with them, I always have it at the back of my mind that it’s work.

In this case, I had just seen Star Wars the week before and this same guy was messaging me to come to do stuff with him. It was crazy. I quickly logged into Twitter and I told him it’d take a while for the video to be ready and he should give me time. After that, I put my phone on airplane mode and went to work.

So, there I was, transcribing and translating to Yoruba for 2-3 hours. I made sure my pronunciation was tight and everything. When I was done and satisfied with my work, I put my phone on network mode, and saw messages – “Don’t you know what’s happening on Twitter?” “Have you seen Twitter.”

In my head, I was like what’s going on? Shebi John said I should do the video. Oluwa, what’s happening? That’s how I logged into Twitter and saw that someone else had made a video. I was like “Father Lord, this was not part of the will.”

pic.twitter.com/r5wmgiyr07
— ÀGBÀ (@Oli_Ekun) May 10, 2020

I am not a controversial person and I believe that the sky is big enough for everyone so I didn’t say anything. People had different opinions about who should have done the video, and both camps had valid points. Someone even dissed me that it’s because we don’t have light in Nigeria that I didn’t do the video in time. That the person who made the video before me is based in South Africa and has constant power while I had to battle with generator rope. That was the funniest thing I heard that day.

In all of this, I couldn’t drop the video without John’s knowledge as he was not online. Instead of allowing the external pressure to get to me while waiting, I caught cruise instead. People on Twitter were expecting me to say something or react, instead, I tweeted a full stop. See RT’s. I tweeted rose emoji, eagle emoji, the same number of insane RT’s. I tweeted starboy elepon malu just to see how far I could take it, and still the same insane RT’s. I was having so much fun that day while some people thought I was worried sick.

John eventually came online and I sent the video to him. He acknowledged both our videos and posted mine on his page. I even reached out to the other guy [Lekan Kingkong] that it’d be beneficial to work together. After that incident, we did videos together and now, we are really close; his followers have even helped my brand.

I learned two things from that incident, firstly, the power of social media when mixed with controversy. From that incident, I gained 12,000 followers. I got so many notifications that my phone started to hang. The phone that was not complete before and I was managing the O.S, they wanted to finish it for me. Secondly, I processed that this was John Boyega. I did work for actual John Boyega and I was proud of myself because I didn’t wake up thinking I’d do stuff with him that day. At the end of the day, it’s just the grace of God. And my prayer is that it continues to cover all of us.

I have work in the pipeline, I’m working on a few things with some big companies and people. I have plans to start doing 30 mins skits of pure audio comedy. I’m looking forward to being signed by one of the biggest talent management companies in Nigeria, the future looks bright.

Today, which is the only thing I have control over, I’m going down to the bar to share laughs and drink a bottle of Guinness with friends.

Glossary:

O ti ye eh – You understand me, right?

Ji! ma sun – Wake up and smell the coffee [be alert]

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

July 28, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, Agba, entertainer, fame, Konibaje, money
A Day In The Life Of Taaooma

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today is Maryam Apaokagi, popularly known as Taaooma. She’s a comedian, video director, recent ex-corps member, and the hottest comic sensation on the block. She walks us through what a typical day in her life looks like.

A DAY:

The first thing I do when I wake up every morning is to pray. Then I eat. Followed by work. Work involves going to my favourite place in the world: the studio. In the studio, I get to do what I love the most, which is video editing. It helps that my studio is in the same building where I live so, sometimes; I sleep off there. That’s kuku where I spend all my time because I’m always editing one video or the other.

I am up till 4 am today editing a video because it is due soon. I edit myself because no one can do it to my satisfaction. I pay attention to the little details and seeing a video come together is something I really enjoy. If I did not enjoy editing, I’d have probably not been a comedian. I started acting because I needed material to work with while editing. So, acting is my way of getting material to practise my editing skills.

The only other things I do apart from editing are sleep and eat. Editing takes a lot of energy and when I am done, I just want to sleep. While editing, I take breaks at intervals to go to the kitchen and eat. It’s just that I can’t eat my favourite food which is Amala and Gbegiri every day, if not. Sometimes, I play Mortal Kombat when I need to relax. But if my brain is hot and I need to cool down, I go to the mall or go out to play before returning to the work.

I can’t help but remember one shoot that made my brain hot – the collaboration video with Twyse.

That day was super stressful. We started shooting around 8 pm and we didn’t finish until around 1 am the next day. I have one mic because I shoot for just one person and on the day of the shoot, I did not make plans for a second mic. So, we had to share a mic. Imagine playing several characters while sharing one mic – We’d shoot his part, change mic. I’d also shoot my own part and exchange mic. There was one part where we had to speak at the same time, with only one mic. That was very stressful.

I am just happy that it was worth the stress at the end of the day. Before adding background music, effects and all the other things to that video, I was already laughing. Normally, I don’t like to think about whether a video will perform well or not, but I was rooting for that one. Sometimes, the video I expect to do well doesn’t do well, so I don’t bother. I try to enjoy myself while making the video, post it, and go. I don’t check how a lot of my videos perform because I don’t want to be disappointed.

A Week In The Life: A Sex Toy Seller Juggling Business With Her Christian Faith

These days, it feels like I am doing the same thing – work, pray, eat, edit, sleep. It’s only last week that was different. I finished NYSC and that was really exciting for me. It’s just that Corona spoilt everything. There was no party, no corpers to jollificate together, nothing. They chased people away after collecting the discharge certificate. Regardless of everything, finishing NYSC hale and hearty was a dream come true for me. Even though there was no celebration, I was still very happy.

I am just thinking about my future and the next step. I hope my brand grows bigger and bigger. I hope that one day, I’m able to provide employment opportunities for people. But it’s too early in the morning to be thinking about these things.

For now, the next step is to sleep. I need to be up early for prayers. Tomorrow, we go all over again.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

July 21, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of
A Week In The Life: The Vendor Building The Next Big Online Platform

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

The subject for today is Damilola Bello, she’s a partner at Smallchops.ng. A successful online business that makes and delivers small chops. She walks us through building a successful business, her plans to build an online platform for trusted vendors and chasing big dreams.

MONDAY:

I wake up around 7 am. The first thing I do is pick up my phone and check my Twitter DMs. I check to see if I have any orders for the day. I see some, so I process and lock them in for delivery. For the rest of the day, I’ll respond to customers who haven’t received their orders, and take more orders.

I run a partnership with Smallchops.ng. It’s my job to handle customer relations and ensure orders are processed. A large part of my day involves attending to this. I also have other jobs – I run yellow pages for vendors where I connect trusted vendors to customers free of charge. In addition, I also give business advice to a digital marketing company. So I always have something happening at one point or the other. It helps that I am good at multitasking, so I never have issues running all these simultaneously.

Today, I have an issue with a customer. This customer made a payment, the transaction didn’t reflect in our account, but she got debited. So we have been going back and forth between her bank and our payment provider to find out where the fault was. Out of the blue, she sent us a message that if we don’t refund her she’ll call us out on social media. I called, to try to resolve the problem and she turned it into a shout fest. Turns out it was her sister who sent the message so when I called to clarify, she was confused and that’s why she started shouting. The only reason I found out was because she called back to apologise after all the shouting.

Customers. You need to be patient with them.

The trick with dealing with difficult customers is to just keep updating them and keeping them in the loop. If you leave a difficult customer alone, you’re putting yourself in a lot of trouble. If we haven’t processed an order and I sense that the person will be problematic, I run. I just say “I am so sorry, I’m not available to pick your order.”

What helps me with this job is that nothing gets me down for more than two minutes. I have an extremely positive outlook on life so it’s easy to shrug things like this off and find a solution. The solution this evening looks like a bottle of Frontera sweet red wine.

TUESDAY:

Nigeria is a business killer. From NEPA to taxes, to even the air we breathe, it’s killing us. If I want to advise anybody, it’ll be that they should start a business that doesn’t require a lot of capital. Especially for operational cost. Anything that requires a generator, avoid it.

The next advice would be about creating structure – there must be a business name, business logo, mission and vision. After that, I’d ask them about how they will buy their goods. Many businesses don’t have a physical store, but they usually have an online store. I usually advise that it’s not just enough to open an online store on social media, but to also have a host like Flutterwave or Paystack. This is because social media sites can crash. In addition, I tell them to inspect the quality of their goods. I also encourage them to take really nice pictures because customers want real-life photos. The next step is the pricing – what’s the profit margin? If it’s too much, I suggest to them not to overdo it. I always insist that if the goods are well packaged, they’ll get a nice profit margin without doing too much.

Let me do this quickly self.

Vendor babies. As digitization of your business is now the next key thing in the growth of your business. It’s very imperative that you explore every means possible to give your business a digital foot print.

The one I’ve come to show you
1/
— Dammy B (@_DammyB_) May 8, 2020

Lastly, the most important part of any business is customer service; value-added service. It’s not enough to just have products, customer relationships are everything. I don’t even want to hear that you are rude to customers. You must always calm down and sort whatever is wrong. Customers aren’t always right but they are king. They are the reason the business exists and If you chase all of them away, sorry to you.

I am confident when giving advice because I am not talking from a textbook. I am applying all these things myself. The experience I have from solving problems in my business makes it easier to give valid advice to other people.

Today, a vendor came to thank me for my advice and referral. It was useful in landing a job with a lot of customers. Hearing this made me really really happy. It also reinforced my belief that is my purpose; I am here to help people and their businesses grow.

WEDNESDAY:

If I think about it, I have given advice to over 300 businesses. And at one point or the other, I have either patronized them or I know someone who has. This is part of what has inspired me to launch my website in August. The site is going to be yellow pages for vendors endorsed by me. Thinking about it today is exciting because this site will prevent a lot of scams. Also, in cases where there is a misunderstanding, I can always come in. Because there’s going to be trust among all parties involved. There will also be a part on the website where customers can anonymously give reviews about vendors, and rate their services.

It’s all so exciting, just thinking about it but it’s also a lot to take in.

A Week In The Life: A Tanker Driver Living Her Best Life

I need to relax my head so I’m just going to order food from one of my vendors. Preferably something with a lot of potato fries in it. Before COVID, I’d have just gone clubbing with my best friend. We would have gone somewhere with loud music and alcohol to relax. Now that we don’t have the luxury of going out, let me just eat and be happy.

THURSDAY:

Business can be frustrating because of delivery people. They are a thorn in my flesh. Managing them is one of the most difficult parts of running a business. I can’t help but think about the many times delivery men have frustrated me. One time, I sent out a package of small chops by 9 am, but it didn’t get to the recipient by 4 pm. The customer was so pissed and disappointed that it ruined my mood. I had to send another package the next day to compensate. Another time, the delivery person ate the gizzard in the small chops meant for a client. I was so confused and frustrated when the customer called to tell me that there was no gizzard in the order. And I was sure I packed gizzard. Without hesitating, we cut off the delivery company for our own good.

Business can also be rewarding. I remember the first time I made a million naira in sales, I was super happy. It was a big deal to me because I made that amount of money from selling small chops. And this was independent of sales from other sales channels we have. I made it all on my own.

So, business has its ups and downs like any other thing.

A Week In The Life: A Sex Toy Seller Juggling Business With Her Christian Faith

My plan for today is simple: Attend to customers and respond to any complaints they may have. Just another day at the job.

FRIDAY:

One of the most successful events I have organized in recent times is the night market.

I noticed that customers always complain about goods being overpriced. I also noticed that something I bought for ₦1,690 from one vendor was being sold at ₦4,000 by another vendor. Meaning even if the person sold at half the price, they would still have made a profit. So, I had an idea – A night market where prices are 50% off so that vendors can sell some of their stock and still make a profit, while customers also get a good bargain. The first edition was successful, and the response was so overwhelming.

Having the knowledge to spot opportunities like this is part of why I registered for an MBA program. As of today, my end goal is to one day be the Chief Operating Officer of a company and I need an MBA to effectively do that.

I don’t mind being the COO of a multinational someday – Microsoft or KPMG doesn’t sound like a bad idea from where I am standing.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

Hassan Yahaya

July 7, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, Business, online shopping, vendor
A Week In The Life Of A Sex Worker

“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

Today’s subject is *Yemi, a 27-year old sex worker who tells us how sex work has affected her outlook on life.

Trigger warning: Strong content of drug use and rape ahead.

MONDAY:

Today, I wake up around 10 am. I stay indoors and gist with some of my friends in the compound. After a while, I go inside my room to reply to someone who has sent me a text on e-message to link up. I try to be careful when meeting people off apps; I make sure that we are clear on the terms and conditions before meeting physically. I tell them what I can do and what I can’t do. This person wants me to come today. I can’t because I am going to the club with some of my friends.

I reply that I will be available on Thursday and go off to make arrangements with my friends for our clubbing tonight.

We order a taxi and leave by 9 pm. One of my friends looks worried and I ask her what’s wrong. She says that our usual plug to enter the club for free is not picking his calls and she’s wondering whether we should turn back or not, to avoid embarrassment. I tell her we can’t turn back after spending taxi money. Even if I don’t see anyone to say hi to, I am taking myself out to have fun.

At the club, I tell my friends to wait in the car while I walk up to the front of the club as confidently as I can. On my way inside, one of the bouncers stops me and asks “were you inside?” Before I can reply, another bouncer comes out and says “no, no, that madam was inside before.” I add “yes, I was inside.” He allows me in.

A few minutes later, I come back out to tell the bouncers that some of my friends just called and I am going outside to pick them. I tell them that I am informing them so they won’t ask me if I was inside before now. I add that when I am coming back with my girls, they should not ask if I was inside before so I don’t get annoyed.

I am going to have a turnt night, I can feel it.

TUESDAY:

I think dog meat is an aphrodisiac. Ever since I ate dog meat on my trip to Akwa-Ibom, along with Afang, Atama, and many different kinds of leaves that we don’t eat in Lagos, my libido has skyrocketed. I have experienced an increase in ability and capability. I need to conduct research into what is in their food because everyone in that town likes sex. I am dreaming about my tall Akwa-Ibom client with his long chunky dick and mouth that made me scream and wake the entire compound. This guy fucked me with so many styles that nobody has been able to satisfy me like that since I got back to Lagos. He really dealt with me.

I guess I am thinking about him because I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. I am an orphan; I have always been scared of sleeping alone. I’m afraid that if I sleep alone at night, my parents’ ghost will appear. To prevent that, someone always sleeps over at my place.

I call up someone that is on my case. He buys me lunch regularly, gives me daily money, and is helping me look for a job. My friends say that if I want to collect a substantial amount of money and help from him, I should give him sex. He’s not my type, but I need the constant inflow of his money pending when I can get something better.

He comes over and we have sex, but I don’t kiss him. I can’t bring myself to kiss him. He irritates every single portion of my body. The sex is bad because he has a small dick, like the last finger. After that kind of sex, he has the audacity to ask me to marry him. He says he wants to make this serious because he’s also an orphan and he doesn’t have anyone in the world.

What’s all this stress? I miss my long, good dick…

WEDNESDAY:

I start the day by getting high. I take a large amount of Tramadol because I can’t face the task ahead of me today without using drugs. I have a client based in Canada that challenges me to do certain tasks and record myself while at it. After I send a video, he pays me between $30-45. To be able to record myself doing this, I have to get fucked up.

Today’s challenge is a threesome. He wants two girls and a guy so I reached out to two of my friends and they agreed to do it. Before recording, everyone is high so it’s easy for us to go all out without holding back. I am sure I look stupid in the video but I don’t think about it too much.

After we are done, I send him the video and I receive the payment. I am sure the bastard uses it to come. I share the money with the girl and the boy asks for his own share, but I ask him why he needs payment seeing as he just enjoyed fucking two women for free. What other payment does he need after this kind of enjoyment? He doesn’t bring it up again.

In the evening, I text the client to say I will no longer be doing videos for him. These videos are very risky and one day, he can wake up and decide to blackmail me by leaking them. Who will I report to? The money is not worth the risk abeg.

THURSDAY:

I am meeting up with the person from e-message today. He asked me to bring a friend along. It turns out that my friend knows him and she keeps going on about how rich he is and how big his house is. I am excited.

We get there and the first thing he offers us is Baileys. I smile in anticipation of how much he is going to give us when we are leaving. He introduces us to his friends who then offer me Tramadol and my friend Swiphnol because my friend doesn’t take Tramadol. Colorado comes next and by now, all of us are sufficiently fucked.

There are four men and two women in the house. The four men take turns having sex with both of us. I fall asleep when we’re done.

My friend wakes me so we can leave. We thank our hosts for their hospitality and sort the fees. I am excited by how much money I will make; drugs increase my performance and endurance, so I know I gave them a memorable fuck.

The hosts thank us and give us N5,000. My body is cold. They promise to send more that they are experiencing bank issues, but I know that’s a lie. From past experience, I know the money will never come. But who do we want to report to? We thank them and leave but I am angry inside. I must start a business and leave this job; I can’t keep being at the mercy of people.

FRIDAY:

See, I am tired of all of this rubbish so I am going to give someone my CV today to help with a job. He’s the son of a popular politician. My friend says he can help. We have been chatting for a while. Today, I text him and he asks me to bring my CV for a possible job.

I get to his estate and someone comes to pick me at the gate. Everything looks so shiny. I enter the house and wait for him. He comes in and the first thing he does is pause. I know why he’s pausing. I know why they all pause. I am busty and my breast is the first thing anyone notices about me, but I just shrug it off. He collects the CV and goes upstairs for a bit.

He comes back down and doesn’t say a word, he just pulls me closer. He bends me over and does a doggy in the sitting room. I am shocked by the sudden turn of events to react because he didn’t even tell me he wanted to have sex. After he is done, he counts N20,000 and gives me.

I feel so stupid and angry at myself on my way home. I keep wondering what kind of job my friend told him I needed. I am also angry because some naive part of me is holding out hope that since we have had something together, maybe he will consider me for a real job.

SATURDAY:

My period starts today so this means I get to rest. I make sure I take three full days off. I don’t have sex with anyone when I am on my period.

I find period sex dirty unless my partner wants it. That is if I am in a relationship. If it’s someone random, I can’t.

The first boyfriend I ever had, the one that disvirgined me, used to ask for sex on my period and I used to give him. He was nice and gave me money to get by because money was tough for me.

After my parents died, I grew up with my grandparents. There was only so much they could provide because they were retired so it’s sad it didn’t work out because after that relationship ended, I knew I couldn’t go back to not having money. Since it was difficult to get a part-time job around my area, I had to use sex as my side hustle to get by.

I don’t see myself in a relationship anytime soon because I don’t trust men. From what I have seen, it’s only sex men want. So, I use them as a stepping stone to achieving my dream – which is to start a big business and not be dependent on anyone. So, even if it’s an inch that any man gives to help me achieve my dreams, I will take it. At least he has helped me.

Any guy I meet, I know tomorrow they will misbehave. Is it not sex they want? Take the sex and be on your way but let me collect what I can collect first.

SUNDAY:

There’s no church today because of Coronavirus. I believe in God oh, but I don’t go to church frequently. I don’t go on the days that I am broke because when it’s time to drop offering, I won’t be able to drop anything. I don’t like it. I feel that for God to have saved my life for another week and I can’t drop common “Thank you Jesus”, it’s bad. That’s my personal conviction and not something someone told me. I just don’t like it.

Also, I have never paid tithes before and that’s not good. I don’t know how to calculate tithes because I have never had a steady source of income. Is it when I get N5,000 here and there that I will remove money for tithes? When I have so many things I want to use the money for. The most money I have ever had before in my life at once is N50,000 and I used it for rent. I know it’s not good but God sef understand say I dey hustle.

Since there is no church today, I am going to smoke kush and blend it with cigarettes. I am having my own service; service of smoking. At least when I am high, I don’t think about my life.

*Name changed to protect identity. Some of part of this interview was left unedited to preserve the authenticity of the words of the subject.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

Hassan Yahaya

March 31, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, drugs, Sex, sexwork
A Week in the Life of an NCDC Call Centre Agent

“A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

Today’s subject is Joke, a call centre agent at the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC). She tells us how her life has changed since Coronavirus was first announced and what she looks forward to the most after this is over.

MONDAY:

I stand up from bed by 5 am today. I say “stand up” because it’s not voluntary. I prepare my kids for school, cook their breakfast and pack their lunch boxes. My husband drops the children at school, while I prepare for work. All this happens before 8 am, which is my resumption time.

There was a time I was sure of closing by 4 pm, but since the outbreak of Covid-19, I get off work by 8 pm and I still take work home. I now work round the clock. This means that even when I get home, I still receive messages from people on the night shift asking for help in sieving calls from work. I have to prioritize and ask for further clarification from each caller, before determining whether to escalate the issue to the people on the field or not. So, I get off work physically by 8 pm, but I just replace it with working from home.

Today is a rollercoaster because we are working hard to keep up with the number of calls. My colleague who worked the Sunday shift hasn’t been able to go home because his conscience can’t stand leaving us with such a large workload. So, somehow, he stays to support us and ends up working a 48-hour shift. This would have been strange to us in the past, but we are living in strange times.

When I get home, my husband has cooked for the children and I am thankful for that. I am one of the lucky ones who has a husband who is understanding. During this period, he has been extremely supportive and I don’t know how I would cope if he wasn’t. All I do is prepare stew for the week and he cooks and takes care of the children before I get back from work.

I am too tired to eat. I just want whatever sleep I can get. If I go to bed now, at least when someone at work calls me by 10 pm, I would have gotten 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

TUESDAY:

Every job has its ups and downs. It’s easy to envy other jobs from afar but if they tell you what their job entails, it wouldn’t look so glamorous. I studied Microbiology in university; I was looking for a job relevant to my field of study and that’s why I took this job.

This job gives you a thick skin. In a day, you can get up to 40 calls with people just calling to ask if the number is working. Today, I got a call where the person on the other end of the line was quiet. The person listened to me talk without saying anything. Another person called and said: “So, the line is even working. Una well done.”

Over the years, you learn not to throw stones at the person, to just laugh it off. As part of the customer service training, you learn that you can’t talk back to the person at the other end of the line, and they have a right to their opinion. No matter how annoying. So, I share the “joke” with my colleague and we laugh over it.

WEDNESDAY:

I have barely slept for 3 hours. I have been writing and coordinating reports about the outbreak and possible cases to send to the field agents. There was a time that I could go to sleep by 8:30 pm or 9:00 pm with no worries. Nowadays, I’m always worried that if I fall asleep, I will miss any call that comes in. And calls come in at odd times.

Today, I wake up feeling lethargic. My husband encourages me to get out of bed and to start preparing for work. He has been supportive even though my laptop has literally taken his place for now. He knows that I must show up whether I feel up to it or not…

I try not to think about how long I have to do this. I am just going to take this situation one day at a time for my own sake. Although, I am worried that despite all our efforts and advice at the NCDC, Nigerians will not adhere to instructions and the infection will spread and all this stress will be for nothing.

Today, I received a call that made my day at work. Someone called saying: “God will bless you, I just want to appreciate the work you people are doing for Nigeria.” I thanked the person on behalf of NCDC but the person added: “I am not praying for NCDC, I am praying for you.” This made me happy. At least someone somewhere appreciates what I am doing and my sleepless nights are not in vain.

THURSDAY:

Another thing I have also learned in this job is to separate home personality from work personality. At home, I am a mother, a wife. At work, I am a worker. I give each part its due diligence and that’s why today is painful for me because I know how much I give for each role.

I got a call and in between all the pleasantries and asking how I could be of assistance, the caller goes: “Please, don’t ask me what you can do for me. You and the government are wicked and stupid. I know there is no Coronavirus and you are joining the government to eat money when people are dying of hunger. Thunder fire your mouth.”

The worst part for me was how helpless I was. I could neither cut the call nor respond. I had to calmly sit through the insults until the caller was done.

After the call was over, I went out of the connect centre to the corridor and started to scream. “What sort of rubbish is this? Why would someone be so mean when I am just trying to do my best? Even as I am on the frontline, I am not sure whether I will get this illness or not, yet I still show up to play my part. Why would someone think this is a joke?” I let it all out before returning to the connect center calmer and lighter.

I scream because I can’t take the anger home. Over the years, I have learned to separate both lives if I want to strike a balance. I have little children at home aged 11, 8 and 6 who don’t know better. I don’t want to go back home as a different person from the one that left in the morning. I don’t want to be the person that was all smiles and cracking jokes in the morning and is now blank and edgy after work. If I am always angry and irritable, my children will run away from me once I get home.

FRIDAY:

These days I don’t even think of unwinding. In the past, I would relax by either going to watch a movie, going to visit a friend, or playing with my kids. Even if there was no social distancing, where is the time?

There’s no time to unwind because when I get even small breathing space from work, I am thinking of my family. How to make sure they aren’t affected too much by my current busy schedule. What should I buy in the house? The children, how will they survive this week? I am trying to make things as “normal” as I possibly can.

I don’t even have the time to be afraid because fear can even kill more than the disease. Over time, I have learned that whatever will happen will happen regardless of whether you are afraid or not. All you can do is get as much information as you can on prevention, adhere to it, and trust God.

Also, because of the kind of person that I am, I don’t like things that I do to fail. This means panic comes last to my mind and I just do whatever needs to be done because my job is duty calling. I just know that I won’t always do this forever and there will come a time when I will rest and unwind.

But right now, I just want to go home and take a cold shower.

SATURDAY:

There’s training at work today. We are bringing on more people to help with the call centre effort and managing the numerous calls we receive every day. Before this outbreak, we could conveniently handle the workload, but now, we need more hands so we don’t burn out.

There is a chain of reporting which we follow. The other call centre agents compile their reports to me along with suspected cases who have called in and have been thoroughly vetted based on travel history and symptoms. I then compile and escalate this report to the state epidemiologist. Every state has an epidemiologist who then notifies the Disease Surveillance and Notification Officer at the local government level. This is the person who goes to the house address to verify the claims and then reports to the state epidemiologist who then reports back to the NCDC.

I am still on duty today even after the training and will probably take work home. Thank goodness I don’t have to come in tomorrow.

SUNDAY:

Well, there is no church service today so I can cook for the week. Sundays used to be my day of rest. I could afford to sleep in the afternoon after church. But now, I use it to prepare meals for the week so that my family will not be stranded.

What I most look forward to when this is all over is going on leave for like 2 weeks. Just travelling to a place where all I have to do is sleep, wake, eat and not talk too much. All this talking every day at work is making my throat pain me already; I need to rest.

I’m going to the market to buy ingredients for my meal preparation. I am back to work again tomorrow until when all this blows over. Then I can finally get to rest my throat and my eyes.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.

While we have your attention, click here to find out everything you need to know about the Hantavirus that just killed a man in China.

Read A Week In The Life of A Coffinmaker here, and A Week In The Life Of A Keke Napep Rider here. Don’t forget to share with a friend!

Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

Hassan Yahaya

March 24, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, coronavirus, covid-19, hustle, Ncdc
A Week in the Life of a Coffin Maker

“A Week in the Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

Today’s subject is Chief Ogunsekan, a coffin maker. He tells us how being the boundary between the living and dead has shaped his outlook of the world.

MONDAY:

I wake up by 6 am today. I usually don’t wake up this early unless I have a burial to plan. I go to the mortuary to prepare a corpse for lying-in-state which is by 10 am. I supervise my boys as they bathe and make up the body for the church service. Bodies that have been in the mortuary are embalmed, so they don’t smell. This makes the work bearable. The mortuary delays us till around 8 am but we still make it in time for the service.

By 11:30 am we proceed to the cemetery for the final rites. I am providing a full package for the client and that involves cameraman, band boys, wreath, casket, ambulance, and pallbearers.

My pallbearers are in charge of lifting the casket to the burial ground. The coffin is lowered into the ground and this signifies the end of my service. I go over to collect my balance from the bereaved. Because burials are expensive, we allow part payment until the rites are finished.

Some people pay us from the money friends spray them on the day of the burial. Others from asoebi money they gather. We understand how expensive burials are, so we give them this option.

My client is trying to be funny. They say they have spent more money than they bargained for and they don’t have my balance. I tell my boys to go and rent diggers and shovels so we can remove the body and take our casket. No payment, no service. Everyone looks worried and eventually, the guests at the burial raise a loan for my balance. I thank them, pay my staff and head back to the office. Just another day at the job.

TUESDAY:

The office opens at 8 am. I have someone who opens the office for me so I don’t have to go in that early. I am now a chief in my hometown so this means I can’t focus on only one stream of income. Being a chief means spending money and this is why I have another business that adds to my income: I import shoes, shirts and sell to retailers. Life is funny because 23 years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be a chief or even be able to rent a house.

For the first three years when I started selling coffins, I used to sleep in between them, on top of them, underneath them. I was struggling so bad that I couldn’t afford to rent a house. Also, because I started this business quite young, people would run from me. Many people were sure I was going to die quickly so they avoided me completely.

You bury so many people in 20 years that you no longer keep track. Sometimes, people on the road see me and thank me for my service. I always try to remember who they are: Is this the person I helped drive a body overnight from Lagos to Calabar? Or was it Lagos to Abia?

These days I am no longer as involved in the business because I am now a titled person. I don’t have time like before because I have too many pressing issues to take care of. I am in charge of making preparations to crown a new king so I have to shuttle between my hometown and Lagos almost every week.

WEDNESDAY:

Today, my ten-year-old daughter is at the office to assist. She grew up watching me interact with customers so she has become prolific at selling. She understands how to price and offer customers various packages. One of her tactics is to tell customers that they should patronise her daddy because it’s out of this business she will get money for feeding for the next day. So, even when I am not around, they always ask for my number and call saying my daughter has convinced them to patronise me. I am proud of how sharp she is.

When I first told her mum, my wife, what I did for a living, she was shocked. I was not surprised because the women I had dated in the past had also been shocked and worried. There is a belief that because of this job, I will invite spirits into my life. That when I sleep, they will disturb me or even have conversations with me. I had to calm her down and reassure her that work doesn’t come home with me. Also, I tell them that as long as you didn’t kill the person, you have nothing to be afraid of.

THURSDAY:

I like to believe that there are blessings that come with this job after death. The funeral master covers up the many secrets of the dead and there are rewards that come with that. From the people at the cemetery to the ambulance drivers, coffin makers, pallbearers, they all play a role in covering up for the dead so they will all get rewarded.

This job has given me the fear of God. If you do this job and you are still wicked, your punishment starts from here. Not hereafter. My job is a constant warning that life is vanity. In my short time, I have seen people die in so many different ways; dying in their sleep, dying during prayers. After seeing all of these, you can’t tighten the world to your chest or even be wicked.

If our politicians did a job like this and had the constant reminder of death, we would all be better off for it. They have never done this kind of job before and were just thrust into power so there is no fear of God. If it was that before the person became appointed in the role, the person washed a dead body, or dug a grave, the person would understand the vanity of it all.

FRIDAY:

At the office today, an ambulance passed by and I said a prayer for the person in it to survive. Even though people die every day, I never pray for them to die so that my business will move. They are human beings like me so I must wish them the best because one day too, it’ll be my turn. You hear of the length some sellers go to make sales, some use juju around their shop to increase sales. You hear of others who go to the wards in hospitals to peep at patients and wait for them to die. I don’t bother with all of these because if there’s one thing I am sure of; we are all going to die. I am just hoping for a non-painful death.

What prompted me to start this work was that one day I realised that people die every day. I started out making furniture but business was slow and I was barely surviving, I even tried business but the gbese from buyers was just too much. But I came to the realisation that people die every day and people would want to be buried so I decided to try this business.

I go to bed at around 9/10 pm. I don’t have a lot of friends. Ever since I became a chief, a lot of people now greet me even though I don’t know them. Popular people don’t have friends so I don’t go out much and that’s why I go to bed early.

SATURDAY:

Today, someone came to rent my ambulance for burial and I told them: “This ambulance is a Formatic R class so it costs N150,000 per day within Lagos. Around Ogun, Ibadan, Osun, it’s N300,000 per day.” They didn’t expect such a cost. Now add this with the cost of a casket and other expenses, you can easily reach a million naira in expenses. So, what I do is ask them for their budget and offer them services based on that budget. It really is tough.

One thing that always surprises people is how expensive burials cost. Caskets range from N150,000 to N250,000 to N500,000 to N1 million. Depending on what you are hoping to get. Also, depending on additional services provided, it increases.

The struggle actually never ends. I am consoled by the fact that the day of death is the day of rest so I keep trying while I am here.

SUNDAY:

Today, I travel to my hometown for chieftaincy matters. I am a kingmaker, an Apena. This means that I am in charge of some of the rituals that the king must partake in. So, I must go home to supervise the preparations.

People ask me if I am scared of the rituals involved and I wonder why I should be. How can I be scared of what my forefathers have been doing before me? Something I was born into. I tell them that tradition is like learning a craft and I started since I was young so I have mastered it.

As long as I know that we are not hurting anyone, there is nothing to be scared of. I am a tough man and can do what most people can’t do. I have slept in the same car with dead bodies while transporting them interstate. In the past, I have dug graves. I have also had to bathe a corpse. So, what do I have to be afraid of?

I am not harming anyone and I am forever preparing for death so I have nothing to fear. I will be back to Lagos in 5 days time because I really have a lot of things to attend to on this journey. Then we start all over again until our day of rest finally comes.

**This conversation was had in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

Hassan Yahaya

March 17, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, coffinmaker, death, hustle, Life, vanity
A Week In The Life Of A Keke Napep Rider

Today’s subject is Odunayo, a Keke rider. She tells us how she navigates being a breadwinner, a traditional chief, and a woman in a male-dominated field.

MONDAY:

My day starts really early. I live with my mum and my two children. But I am a single mum. So, that means I have to wake up early every day to find daily bread for my children.

A side effect of waking up that early is that I don’t have time to be bothered about my looks. I quickly rinse my body, throw on a random dress and dash out. I must pick the first wave of workers trying to beat the Monday morning Lagos traffic.

Today on the way out, I run into thieves at the junction to my house. I am scared, but luckily they recognise me. They are boys from the street; I have been good to them in the past so they let me go. Saved by the occasional N200 I dash them. As long as I keep my mouth shut and continue to be good to them, I will be fine. This is the final sign that I must move out of this area. This is not a place to raise children or even be out so early.

Usually, I work till 12 noon or 1 pm, but since the Keke ban in Lagos, I have to stop working by 10 or 11 am. Before the ban, I could pass through plenty of routes but now, I can’t. This means that work ends earlier than usual for me because the banned routes are the busiest and also where Taskforce can seize my keke from me.

It’s no longer safe to be out because of the ban. I have been a Keke driver for two years and my mum has been super important in making this job easy for me. She cooks and takes care of the children because I leave the house so early and come back late. Sometimes, I wonder how I would have juggled this job with being a present mother in the life of my kids. I have two boys aged 16 and 18 years and they mean the world to me.

When I get home, my mum has cooked rice so we talk as I eat.

Then I take a bath and sleep because I have to leave for the evening shift which starts at 4 pm.

Evenings are different. I take my time to bath, makeup, and carefully select my clothes. It’s always good to look presentable, after all, I am not suffering. When passengers I picked in the morning see me in the evening they don’t believe it’s the same person.

As I drive out, a neighbor calls and asks if I am going for a party, I shake my head and tell her I am off to work. I come back home by 9 pm and I see my kids. We stay up late watching film.

TUESDAY:

The kids clean the Maruwa this morning because I am too tired to stand up. They understand that this is how we feed and they are more than excited to play their part in making daily bread.

My mummy makes me agbo of lime and ginger to help me get through the day. I have to stand up and go to work no matter how I feel and the agbo helps.

Thankfully, I am the owner of my Keke so whatever I make is mine to keep no matter what time I leave the house. People who are on hire purchase can’t afford to take the whole day off. On a slow day, I make N4,000. Out of that, I have to buy a ticket at the park for N1,300. Many owners ask for N3,000 a day delivery. Out of that, there is still money for fuel to consider. If you leave your house late for any reason and you don’t own the Keke, just know you are going to work for the owner on that day.

By 10 am, I set off for home but there is a little problem. I need to urinate and I can’t hold it till I get home. The issue now is getting a clean toilet to use because I am worried about getting a toilet infection. Thankfully, I find a filling station with someone I know on duty. Once I get into the toilet, I quickly start my ritual of toilet cleansing with my trusted disinfectant that’s always in my bag. I wipe down with tissue, and once I am done, wash my hands with the small soap I also carry.

I can finally focus on going home.

WEDNESDAY:

Today, some men tried to bully me but I stood my ground. The first warning I got when I started this job was to not carry strange men because there are keke snatchers around.

Three strange men wanted to charter my keke to an unfamiliar location but I refused. My spirit was unsettled and the warning flashed in my mind. I refused the request and offered to put them in a colleague’s keke but they insisted on mine. After the back and forth, one of them spat on me and another one started to hit me. I succeeded in fighting them off. The worst part was that none of my male colleagues came to help me. Maybe it’s because I am the only woman in this park but I felt bad. Everyone kept on minding their business as if nothing was happening.

Being the only woman in this job is tough but I have to show no weakness. The men will pounce if I falter. I am not soft and nobody can ride me because I am a chief back in my hometown. When I first started this job, people at home kept on asking “Why will a chief drive keke?” I ignored them and now these same people are asking me to teach them how to get into the business.

As a chief, I know what and what to do if I want to deal with them but I won’t because I am also a Christian.

I thought I had gotten used to being in a man’s world: the occasional hugs from behind, unsolicited pecks, and “my wife” statements. I consider it a hazard of the job and put up a smile so it doesn’t get out of hand. After all of that, we still always go drinking together so I believe it’s all one love. However, this incident just saddens me.

I am going to drink today. Two bottles of Star for the pain and after, I will go home to sleep because I have to go again tomorrow.

THURSDAY:

I got stained today in the middle of a trip. My period came early. After dropping the last passenger, I went home to change. Again, one of the hazards of the job.

Periods are hard for me because driving is very uncomfortable and I can’t afford to take the whole day off. I still have to wake up the same time I usually do and go on as if everything is normal. I already earn less than the men, so I have no choice.

As a woman, I have to stop work as early as 8 pm or 9 pm because it gets unsafe and I also have to go home to my kids. The men can work until as late as 10 pm or 11 pm. The men earn as much as N10,000 because they work longer hours but the highest I have ever made from this job since I started is N8,000. Even that money was because I had a private client that chartered my keke so that’s what boosted my sales.

Thankfully, my mum is home when I get in. She prepares agbo for menstrual pain. It’s a combination of turmeric, ginger, lime and clove that I saw on Facebook. It helps to reduce some of the pain and discomfort. My dad is a herbalist so I don’t find it difficult to drink agbo as I was raised on it.

After drinking my agbo, I lie down for a bit. I will go out again in the evening because it’s business as usual.

FRIDAY:

The hardest part of this job is the insults: Insult from the passengers, from drivers on the road. From everyone. Even with how well dressed and respected I look, the insults never stop.

Today, a male driver asked me if I was crazy for not allowing him to overtake me and I asked him if he doesn’t have a wife at home because I can’t imagine that he talks to his wife like this.

Along the way, I got stopped by a council officer and he said my license has expired. I explained that I have paid for renewal at the local government and they said I should wait for three days. This is just the second day. He said I had to pay a fine of N5,000 to which I refused. I shouted at the top of my voice to call the attention of other people to the situation. I was lucky that people gathered and after listening to us, begged him on my behalf. He let me go grudgingly. This is not the first time he is harassing me. He’s always charging me for one flimsy reason or the other. I am happy I got off today.

I go drinking by 7 pm because I have had a rough day coupled with menstrual pain. My trusted Star is always here to comfort me. The only thing I do to relax is drink; I don’t date. Men will disappoint you and make your life complicated. The last guy I dated broke my heart so bad that it affected my concentration. I almost hit someone while driving because I was too lost in my thoughts thinking about the breakup. It took me a really long time and a lot of tears to get over it.

This is someone that I would close work early for just so I could spend time with him after a long day. Someone I would cook food for out of whatever I made in a day. I have come to realize that only a few men can date a woman with children and not run, so I don’t bother with dating. All these young young boys all think the same way and that’s sex. Maybe I should try an older person. For now, when I feel lonely, I talk to myself. When I want to relax, I turn to my trusted bottle of Star. It can’t disappoint me.

SATURDAY:

I wake up by 4:30 am today even though I don’t need to. Saturdays are slow and I don’t go out until 10 am because no one is rushing to work. It’s mostly just the people going for owambe that are on the road.

I do some mild stretches because it helps with body pain. As a keke driver, only one leg is active; the one that presses down on the brake and throttle. The other leg remains inactive all the time and hurts. To reduce the pain, I must exercise and weekends are the only time I can do this.

I leave the house by 10 am but midway I start to feel sleepy. My body is used to resting by this time and protests against change in routine. To battle sleep, I play some Sule Alao to keep me alert. After that, I follow with some Olamide tracks to keep up the tempo. I can’t sing the lyrics off the top of my head but once the music starts, I match them word for word.

SUNDAY:

I get the same question every Sunday on my way to church. “How do you drive your keke with 6-inch heels?” I laugh and tell them that the trick is not to put too much pressure on the brake and start to brake far before you are near the other vehicle. Everyone looks impressed when I tell them this obvious fact.

Sundays are for a lot of things. In the morning, my kids, my mum, and I all go to the church in my keke. I tie gele, wear my heels, do my makeup and off we go.

In the afternoon after church, I take out time to cook for my children so they can eat my cooking. I know they enjoy grandma’s food but they should also eat mine. I prepare stew for the week for them and we generally spend some time catching up and talking about the previous week.

By 4 pm, I go out to work to make “change”. My target is N2,000. So that I can give my boys N1,000 to hold and be happy and also to fill up my tank for the week with the remaining N1,000. I can’t be stopping to buy fuel on Monday morning when people are rushing to work. It will delay both the passenger and how much I can earn from my morning runs.

By 8 pm, I return home to sleep. I talk for a bit with my mum and the boys before going to bed. It starts all over again tomorrow.

**This conversation was had in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.

Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

Hassan Yahaya

March 10, 2020

Hustle

A week in the life of, hustle, kekeban, kekerider

MONDAY:

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